


Midnight's Son

by Java_bean



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Blood, Carapaces, F/F, Gangstuck, I don't know how to rate, It's rated teen because constant swearing, M/M, Minor Character Death, Not a lot though, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pesterlog, Slow Build, Suicide Attempt, Trolls on Earth, Underage Drinking, Undercover, and not actually undercover, but it's not graphic, lots of them - Freeform, or how to tag, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-07-28 10:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 228,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7636816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Java_bean/pseuds/Java_bean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider's father, a prominent detective, is tasked with infiltrating the Midnight Crew.  Dave, worried about his father's safety, decides to do a little undercover work of his own and tries to befriend the boss's son, Karkat Vantas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue/Chapter 1

Prologue

  
It was midday when everything went down, and from what you remember it was hot. Blisteringly hot. Deliriously hot. And bright. Far, far too bright. You were still used to a nocturnal schedule, this was your first time seeing the sun. Kanaya had always told you beautiful stories about it, about the sunrise and the warmth and the graceful way light danced between leaves in the trees. You wished your first time seeing it was as breathtaking as she'd always made it out to be. But now...  
Now you wished you'd never seen the light of day.

There was blood. So much blood. Bright, revolting candy red and smears of teal all across your hive and on the asphalt surrounding and trailing behind you as you made your escape to...to...  
you don't really know where.

  
You stumble around in the afternoon heat, surrounded by a fog of blood and haze. You could smell the undertones coating your nostrils and throat in copper. Your blood, vibrant and mutated and disgusting, was seeping through the fabric of your shirt and dripping in hot rivulets down the hand that squeezed around your abdomen. You were losing a lot of it.

  
But your lusus had lost more trying to defend you. He'd fought tooth and claw to keep you safe, and so had Terezi, when she came to your rescue at the sound of screaming from your hive. And now she was bleeding out on the roof of your hive, eyes pried open and forever unseeing.

  
The last thing she ever saw was the sun.

  
You flinch at the thought and then hiss from how painful that action was.

  
Who cares about your pain, though? That shouldn't matter. You need to get help for her. For Terezi, your best friend and sole confidant. The girl who had almost died, could still die, trying to protect your stupid ass. The least you could do was return the favor.

  
Your lusus had died for you, you couldn't let Terezi die, too.

  
It was...so hot, though. And you were so weak. You were small and weak and losing a lot of blood. You stumble once more and lean against an alley wall for support, but find yourself unable to continue moving. You're growing tired, exhausted even. If this was a normal day, you would have been in bed hours ago. But here you are, blistering in the sun while you smear your own tainted blood against the wall as you feel your consciousness slowly fade.

  
Great. It would be just your luck if you keeled over from blood loss before you could get help for your friend, who was in a far worse situation than yourself. You're useless. Completely useless.

  
You don't deserve a friend like Terezi.

  
You didn't deserve a lusus like Crabdad.

  
And now you're slipping.

  
This...this is probably the end.

  
You're not going to make it.

  
You guess it's true what they say, lowbloods do have pretty short lives.

  
You think about Terezi, how her eyes changed from yellow and gray to the same damaged red as your blood.

  
You think about your lusus, and how his blood simmered on your doorstep in the sunlight, the same damaged red as yours.

  
You think about the sun, and how much you fucking hate it. You close your eyes.

  
You refuse to even so much as look at it before you die.

  
You'd rather it be dark when you go.

 

You're lying on the ground for what must have only been a few minutes, but feels like an eternity, when you feel something smooth brush by your face. Your first instinct is to lash out and bare your teeth at whatever it is and hope it'll leave you alone to die in peace. You feel yourself make contact with flesh.

  
You growl and scratch at whatever it is until your eyes fly open and you see-

  
oh.

  
It's a carapace.

  
Seeing as you've always viewed the carapace people as a nonthreatening species, you can feel yourself relax. You've met a few carapacians before, and they've all been very nice, for the most part. Your mailwoman is a carapace, and she's really talkative and polite to you, which is more than you feel you deserve from any living being. But you digress.

  
This carapace-not your mailwoman, but a different woman in a colorful pastel nurse's uniform-is crouching in front of you with the softest, most worried expression you've ever seen. Her skin is that smooth white shell that half the species has, and it's almost painful to look at in the sunlight. You turn your face away from her to keep your eyesight intact.

  
That's when you notice her hand.

  
Her hand is held near you, pulled away from the position it had held when it had brushed against you, most likely in search of a pulse. It's only then that you recall that your claws had made a satisfying amount of contact with the offending party.

  
The cuts were fairly shallow. Troll claws may be sharp, but carapace skin was tough like exoskeleton. You're thankful for that right now as you watch the cuts seep cherry down her arm. You tighten your hold on your own wounds subconsciously. For some reason, she doesn't look upset that you cut her. Instead, she looks concerned. But what could be so concerning to her? Certainly not you.

  
The bleeding hand approaches slowly once again, and this time you watch it come forward. The carapace stops just short of your face, and you give the slightest nod to allow her to continue whatever she was doing. You feel she's trustworthy. And what's she gonna do, kill you? You're certain you're going to die today, but definitely not at the hands of a kind looking carapace.

  
Her hand moves forward and brushes a few stray locks of hair off your face in an almost maternal gesture. That made you feel strange, you've never experienced something like that before. Perhaps...she is concerned about you? But why?

  
Oh, she's talking to you now.

  
She asks if you're alone. You nod weakly. Yes, you are. She asks your name, age, and where your lusus is and why you're out at this time of day. You offer as much of a response as you can muster.

  
"Karkat....." your voice is so small, and you didn't realize just how thirsty you were until that very moment. "Vantas. I-I'm...three sweeps old, and my lusus is....my lusus is...."

  
You try to continue, but you can't bring yourself to say it. You don't want to say it. You won't.

  
It's only when the nice carapace lady rubs a tear away from your cheek that you realize you were crying.

  
"I understand. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it yet."

  
Her voice is as soft as her sympathetic gaze led you to believe, and you can feel her papping you on the face lightly. You begin to relax despite yourself.

  
She asks you again why you're outside. Are you lost? What happened?

  
You open your mouth to answer her like she wants, when it occurs to you that she could help Terezi. She could help.

  
"Terezi, we need to hurry and help Terezi!" You insist, leaning forward and pulling on her shirt in a gesture to both get her to follow you and help you reach a standing position. "Rezi is still back there! Come on, she's hurt and....we have to...help."

  
You go all of five steps on your own with the woman following you before you stumble. You would have hit the ground if she hadn't caught you midfall and are thankful for her fast reflexes.

  
"You look a little worse for ware yourself." She mumbles into your ear.

  
"No. No, Rezi." You wave her concern away from you and to someone who actually needs it. Terezi is so much more important, saving her should be top priority.

  
You try to tell the carapace at least that much, aware that not all your words are making it through. Eventually you dissolve into a stream of murmured apologies to your brave friend before you lose consciousness once again.

  
This time you're sure it's for good.

 

You're oh for two on the death front, and you're not sure if that's a good thing. There's pain, but much less than there was before when you were bleeding out on the street. Speaking of which, where are you?  
You crack open an eye, expecting the harsh sunlight to blind you like it recently did your friend, but are so surprised by the lack of sun that both of your eyes open wide and are assaulted by the softest light imaginable.

  
You're indoors, you know that now. This light is not natural, and neither is the steady hum of cold air being released into the room. But you're not cold, you happen to be covered by a blanket. You're lying on a bed, which is a weird experience for you, because you've never really used a bed before. It's a lot softer than you thought it'd be. It feels nice. Really nice.

  
Are you dead?

  
Maybe you were wrong earlier when you said you were oh for two.

  
You were probably dead. There was no way you should be feeling this pleasant after all the horrifying stuff that went down.

  
That thought makes you shoot up into a sitting position, and you release a hiss of pain as heat shoots up your abdomen under a thick layer of bandages. But that doesn't matter. Terezi. Terezi is what matters.  
Is she okay? Did she get help? Were you able to find someone in time?

  
You pull back the covers and attempt to stand, leaning against the bedframe for support. Your legs, on the other hand, are unable to support your weight. You sink back into the mattress in defeat.

  
You hope Terezi is okay.

  
You drift back to sleep.

 

When you wake up this time, there's someone leering over you. Another carapace, this one darker and far less friendly in appearance, a scar disfiguring one eye. You bite back the snarl in the back of your throat and just glare right back up at them.

  
This staring contest goes on for a surprising amount of time before you have to forfeit and blink away the tears that had been forming to moisten your deliberately dehydrated eyes. The carapace sneers at you, exposing set of sharp teeth that could rival that of any other troll you know. You bare your teeth back at him.

  
Before you can even figure out what's going on, he pulls something out of his hat and throws it onto your bed. You investigate it as nonchalantly as possible, not wanting to show any interest in front of this agitated stranger.

  
...it's a sandwich.

  
You weren't really expecting that.

  
Cautiously, you pick up the cellophane wrapped sandwich and investigate it further. It looks fine, for the most part. But then again, you don't know if a poisoned sandwich would look different from a normal sandwich. You don't feel one hundred percent safe eating this thing.

  
Your stomach growls in protest and you're ripping off the plastic wrap before you even know what you're doing.

  
You take a voracious bite, you didn't realize just how hungry you were.

  
You feel one hundred percent safe eating this thing.

  
You feel so safe about this thing that you eat all of it in three bites.

  
While you were debating about eating the sandwich, the carapace had stood and continued to glare angrily at you. When you were finally chewing your last bite, savoring the food for as long as possible, the carapace struck out towards you again.

  
You weren't sure what was going on, but you were ready to fight if that's what this was coming to. You swallow and hiss at him, baring your claws until you notice that...yeah...they're empty.

  
Weren't you just holding the plastic wrap?

  
The carapace doesn't look the slightest bit amused at your misplaced aggression as you figure out what happened just now. There's a knife grasped in one of their hands, the wrapper pierced through with it.  
Your eyebrows knit together. That was a weird way to retrieve a wrapper. But whatever.

  
The carapace begins to walk away from you, and they're almost to the door before the inquiry occurs to you.

  
"Um..." You begin. Great job so far, Vantas. Well, at least they turned around. "Do....do you know what happened? To Terezi?"

  
They're glowering at you. You think that might be their default expression. "That the teal one?"

  
The carapace's voice is deep and a bit gravelly, like they spend a lot of time raising their voice. You assume male for now.

  
You feel your bloodpusher skip a beat, and you are filled with a mix of hope and desperation towards your friend's fate. You nod.

  
"Yes. That's her, the teal one."

  
He sighs and turns back around to leave. You almost protest, but stop yourself when you realize he's still going to respond.

  
"She's blind, but seems like she'll live."

  
The door slams behind him, and you can feel the furniture shake a bit at the force.

  
You sink into the mattress again and feel the relief wash over you in waves.

  
She's alive. She's blind, but she's alive.

  
That's all that matters.

 

It's awhile before anyone comes into your room again, so you're completely bored and ready for whatever's to come when you hear it creak open again. You bristle.

  
The nice carapace from before pops her head into the room and looks around before making eye contact with you and coming inside slowly. You relax.

  
She approaches your bed slowly, like a person would a startled animal. You feel like you should be offended by this comparison before you consider that that's exactly how you've been acting up to this point. She reaches the foot of your bed and touches the blankets gently, a silent request to sit there. You nod. Your feet don't even reach there, anyway.

  
She takes a seat and looks you over curiously. You take the time to do the same to her. She's wearing a sundress and a pink hood, the kind you've seen a lot of female carapaces wear. You're not sure why they wear them, but that feels like too personal a question to ask at the moment. The dress definitely suits her, but you feel like the scrubs you met her in suit her best. But who are you to judge a person's fashion sense?

  
"How are you feeling?" She asks quietly.

  
"Better." You say, not certain how to respond. You think that's the right choice, because she seems to relax at that. You hadn't noticed how stiff she was.

  
"That's good! You lost a lot of blood, I was worried."

  
"Sorry." You're not sure what you're sorry for, you just know you feel bad for making this nice person worry about the likes of you. "How's...how's Terezi doing?"

  
The woman stiffens a bit again, which makes your bloodpusher almost stop in response. That doesn't seem good.

  
"She...lost a lot of blood." She says carefully, and you can feel your pusher sinking. "Don't worry, though, she's fine. For the most part. It's harder to come by blood from lower on the hemospectrum, so we had to take her to a hospital to get her the transfusion she needed. She's in the middle, though, so getting her blood should be fine. But..."

  
The carapace seemed to struggle with whatever she wanted to tell you next. Whatever it was must be devastating news, unless...

  
"If...if it's about her being blind now, I already....I already knew that." You say quietly, stumbling over the words. You may already know, but that doesn't mean you're exactly ready to make peace with that yet, or accept your role in it, for that matter. "That happened...before I went to look for help. Before I found you."

  
Her shoulders sag a bit, and she looks so sad that you almost want to comfort her, even though you know it's you she feels sad for. One of her hand twitches in her lap as if she has to physically restrain herself from performing pale activities like comforting you. She seems well aware of troll social structure, and you're appreciative of that. You almost allow her to attempt a comforting gesture towards you until you see the bandage on her own hand, nearly camouflaged against her skin.

  
You did that to her. That was your fault.

  
Terezi's injuries were your fault, too.

  
So was Crabdad's death.

  
The last thing you deserve is comfort.

  
That look she's giving you though tells you she thinks otherwise, and it's so sad and sympathetic that it physically hurts you. She shouldn't be looking at you like that. You need to change the subject.

  
"You," you clear your throat, "you said Terezi went to the hospital?"

  
The carapace nods. "Yes."

  
"So...where are we?" You've been wondering this for awhile, ever since you determined you weren't, in fact, dead.

  
"Oh, of course." She claps her hands together. "You're at the house, mine and Jack's! You see, the crew has a very good, very discrete doctor whom I thought would be the best option given your...circumstances."

  
Oh. So not only did she know about troll social dynamics, she also knew a bit about the hemospectrum. A bit too much, in your opinion.

  
You instinctively tighten the blanket around yourself. This action is noticed by the nice carapace, and the worry is back in her eyes. Great.

  
Another subject change is in order.

  
"Who's Jack?" You ask. You don't really care, you just want her to stop looking at you like that.

  
"Jack is my husband." She says, practically beaming. You can see the blush in her cheeks, which you honestly didn't even know was possible, given the shell quality of their skin. "You met him earlier. He brought you food, unless he delegated the task to one of his crew members. I doubt he did, though. He was the black one with the snarling face and a scar on his right eye."

  
You nod. "I remember him."

  
You can't believe she's married to that guy, or that she's so happy about it. That must be one hell of a relationship.

  
You struggle to bite back all your comments on the subject. You owe this woman big time, and you doubt she'd appreciate whatever you have to say. At any rate, another thing she said is nagging at the back of your head and would like to be acknowledged.

  
"You said....crew members? What does that mean?"

  
It seems this was the wrong question to ask, because she stiffens again and stands up. "That's a question you should ask Jack."

  
She turns to leave, but doesn't move immediately, looking back at you on the bed.

  
"Is...there anything you need?" She asks you.

  
"Um...books." You say uncertainly. "And a...a phone, if that's okay."

  
"A phone?" She looks quizzically back at you, and you just shrug.

  
"I have to make a call."

  
She nods. "Alright. I'll see what I can do."

  
Her dress swishes behind her as she exits. The door closes softly behind her. You sigh into a pillow, feeling stupider than usual. You're not sure why you asked for books, you can't even read yet. All you really needed was the phone.

  
You had some arrangements to make.

 

"Mmhm. It's okay. Tell Eridan and Feferi they can gather up as much as they need to feed her giant lu-you know what." You can't bring yourself to say lusus. You feel dumb. "Yes, all of it, if they can. No, it's fine. I don't know when I'll be back, and I already said goodbye. I'm fine. Really, I am. Gross, why would you want that? But you're not. But you're not. Okay, okay, take it, I don't care, just less cleaning for me, I guess. You're not going to drink it, right? Because you're not a rainbow drinker. Listen, you can keep it, just don't drink it, okay? What do you mean, no? Kanaya, you're gross. Yes, you are. _Yes, you are._ Alright, whatever, can you just make sure those two fishfaces find my hive? Alright. Thanks. I owe you one, Kanaya. See you soon."

  
"Friend of yours?"

  
You squeak and almost drop the phone. You're proud of yourself for not dropping it and also hanging up before Kanaya heard that undignified noise you just made. She would never let you live it down.

  
You glare at Jack, who just smirks back at you. That's the closest thing to a smile you've ever seen on his face, and it's all because you startle easily. You don't like it.

  
"Yes." You say defensively.

  
"What were you talking about, kid?"

  
You squint suspiciously at him. Why was he so curious all of a sudden? You'd almost had to pry responses out of him the first time. "Why?"

  
"Don't disrespect your elders. Just answer the question."

  
Your face goes from suspicious and defensive to tired and agitated at the drop of a hat as you phrase your answer in a way you feel most species would understand. "Funeral arrangements."

  
The smirk's gone, at least. You're back to default grimace now, only it feels a bit forced. Maybe you shouldn't have told him what you were doing.

  
"Aint you a little young to be doing that kind of shit?"

  
You shake your head. "Not for a troll, I'm not." You launch into an explanation before he can even ask, because you just know he's going to. "Troll culture is different than human and carapace culture about things like death. We don't have burials for our dead. They get...repurposed. For other things. Mostly for feeding the really big, scarier lus-guardians."

  
You'd choked halfway through. Almost had it. You're getting there. You hope he didn't notice.

  
If he noticed, he doesn't acknowledge it. "Ms. Paint said you were six."

  
Your eyebrows knit together in confusion at the foreign name.

  
"Ms. Paint. The woman who found you? You telling me she saved your life and you didn't even exchange names?"

  
"...I told her mine." You offer meekly. Your mouth tastes like guilt.

  
"You want a fucking medal?" He's practically shouting at you. If you were normal you would be shrinking away, but you? No, never. Raised voices are what you're used to, and it's clearly what he's used to, too. You're both in your element.

  
"Well excuse me for not exchanging pleasantries with a stranger while I was too busy bleeding out in the middle of fucking nowhere looking for help for a goddamn friend!" You shout back at him, feeling your face heat up.

  
Not your best work. Nor your best choice. You wonder if you're going to be kicked out.

  
There's silence in the room, and the carapace-Ms. Paint had called him Jack-just stands there with his hands curled into fists. You clear your throat.

  
"So," you say slowly, keeping your voice level. "her name's Ms. Paint?"

  
He nods, sneering.

  
You're back to confused eyebrows. "I thought you were married?"

  
"She kept her maiden name."

  
"Oh."

  
There's silence again. You force your hands to unclench the blanket you're holding. The phone goes on the nightstand, on top of the books you asked for that you can't read.

  
"Your speech is pretty good for a six year old. Clearest I've ever heard one talk."

  
You can't help but snort. "You've obviously never met a troll kid before. Trolls develop the part of the pan responsible for communication much earlier than humans or carapaces, partly because we're responsible for most of the verbal arrangements like food exchange or appointment booking at an earlier age than either of your species, since our...guardians, are unable to make any noises resembling that of trolls or humans. They can't do it, so we have to."

  
Jack nods as if he understands. "So you're saying you're nothing special?"

  
"Well, no, my lu-my...he-" you swallow. "I've been told I'm pretty advanced for my age."

  
Your hands are back to clutching the blanket in a vice grip, and you try to calm yourself down. It doesn't work.

  
"Ms...Paint said I should ask you about your crew?" You say quietly, still trying to will your hands to do what you want.

  
He glares suspiciously back at you. "What did she tell you?"

  
"Nothing." You say defensively. "She just said I should ask you."

  
He's standing there, and you can see the faintest glint of a blade in his hand. This isn't helping you relax at all.

  
"Listen, kid," he takes a step closer to you, and it's all you can do to stop yourself from shying away from the approach. God, he's so menacing looking standing over you like that. "I don't know how much you know about crime here, being six and all, and I wouldn't tell you about this under any other circumstances. I run a gang, a real big operation. You might have heard of it, if you read the papers."

  
You almost admit your illiteracy, but don't. Whatever he's saying feels pretty important right now, so you just sit there and look at him. Today is the quietest you've ever been. It's weird.

  
"They call me Spades Slick," he smirks at you again, seemingly proud of this fact. "in the papers. I'm a member of the Midnight Crew."

  
The Midnight Crew. That sounds...vaguely familiar. You remember hearing a little about it from Terezi, apprehending them was one of her favorite games next to playing dragons.

  
From what you recall they were extremely dangerous. You hope that was an exaggeration.

  
"I'm only telling you this because Ms. Paint made it clear she wants you to stay here. Indefinitely. And if that's the deal, then you should know what you've gotten yourself into, kid. If it were up to me you'd be out of here in a heartbeat." He snarls at you. "You're lucky she wants kids."

  
He's leaving again, and the door slamming behind him. You're left in bed, blinking absently at nothing. An...indefinite stay. With a notorious gang, the Midnight Crew.

  
You're beginning to wonder just what you've gotten yourself into.

 

_ _ _

Chapter One

  
Your name is Dave Strider, and you're bored as fuck. You don't know why you thought hanging out at the police station and waiting for your dad would be more interesting than staying at home and waiting. Even with the increased amount of dangerous criminals in your vicinity it does nothing to stop your brain melting, pants shitting boredom. You were better off staying at home with your genius siblings. Or maybe chatting up Terezi online and seeing what she was up to. But nah. You decided you'd be a little shit and bug your dad at work instead. He'd said he was going grocery shopping afterwards, and you wanted to make sure you were there when he did. You needed to stock up on doritos and apple juice.

  
But you're so. fucking. bored. You're not sure any amount of aj and delicious, delicious, triangle shaped chips is worth this. You spin around in your father's desk chair and blow air out of your nose. You were told to stay put.

  
There's a flurry of officers rushing in, shouting, jostling someone, possibly multiple someones, between the fray of blue uniforms. You stop spinning and watch curiously, lifting your sunglasses just a bit so you can see properly. Now this is interesting.

  
Everyone is shouting all at once, all frantic and excited and loud. You can't make out a god damned word of it. You stand up on your toes to try and get a better view over the officers, some of which are taller than you. You swear you can make out a bit of orange horn in the middle of the jostling group. So, there was a troll in custody. You're honestly not that surprised, since they tend to be a pretty violent species. Even your role plays with Terezi stray a bit towards the more...dangerous side of things.

  
Your father takes up the rear of the group, trailing behind. You feel a pang of sympathy towards him. It must be tough, at his height. Carapaces aren't exactly known for being tall, and your father stands at a pretty average height for his species. But even so, you and your siblings almost tower over the poor guy.

  
"Yo!" You call out to him, catching up with the agitated looking carapace easily. "What's up?"

  
"Dave, I told you to stay at the desk." He scolds as he runs frantically after the group. You match stride just walking.

  
"I know, but there was shouting and a hell of a lot of excitable boys in blue. I got swept up by the stampede. So, what's the deal? What's everybody so hung up about?"

  
He looks at you and slows down until he eventually just stops, and the both of you lose sight of the herd of officers.

  
"You can't tell anyone."

  
"Aight. My lips are sealed. Locked tight. My mouth is a motherfucking vault that requires identification and a password to gather at the mysterious, valuable secrets inside. And you know what the password is?"

  
"Dave!" He's glaring impatiently up at you.

  
You're gonna shut up, but you should finish your joke first. "It's mum."

  
"What?"

  
"The word. It's mum. Mum's the word. Get it?"

  
He sighs exasperatedly at you. It's something you're used to. Everyone does that with you. "So you'll keep quiet?"

  
"Yes." You'll probably just tell Terezi, if anyone.

  
"Good. Now here's the deal." He looks excited. You've never seen him look so excited. This must be some bust. "We got 'em. We caught the Midnight Crew."

  
Your eyes widen behind your shades. Your father has been looking into the Midnight Crew for years, he's been practically obsessed with them for as long as you can remember. They're pretty slippery bastards, you're thoroughly impressed. "The Crew? The whole fucking crew? God damn, seriously? Wow."

  
His smile falters a little bit, and you wonder if you said something wrong. Did that come out as sarcastic? You hadn't meant it sarcastically. "Not the whole crew." He amends. "Just a couple of fledgling members and an underling. But he's an important underling, so there's that. And he seems like the type who'd want to cut a deal, so we might get more member names out of him before the night's over."

  
Your elation deflates a bit. "So you'll be late leaving, then?"

  
"Yeah. I might be here all night. You don't have to stay here with me, you can go home if you want."

  
You can't say the thought didn't cross your mind. "Nah," you shake your head, "I think I'll hang around here a bit. I don't got a life."

  
He nods. "Just...stay in the lobby, okay? Right there." He points at an empty bench by the doors.

  
You nod. "Okay. I'm gonna go chill, then. See you in a bit."

  
You wave casually at him as you walk away to the bench and he leaves to probably help interrogate some of those nasty gang members.

  
You slump down onto the uncomfortable bench, which is usually used for people waiting for others to be released or people ready to be incarcerated. Right now, you are the sole occupant. You are also bored as fuck, still. You pull out your phone and mess around for probably forever.

  
You've pestered Terezi three separate times, your sister Rose once, Dirk and his auto responder about five times, and checked out mspaint adventures to read Problem Sleuth again before someone joins you.  
Your new friend doesn't even look at you when he sits down next to you. You glance at this new person from the corner of your eye, behind your shades.

  
He's a troll, that much is pretty clear. Gray skin, dark hair, yellow eyes, the works. Only, you can't see his horns. They're probably somewhere under that messy, fly away hair. It's the most extreme case of bedhead you've ever seen. You wonder if he did that on purpose, or if it was naturally like that. Probably natural, no amount of gel could create that monstrosity.

  
He was sitting cross legged, leaning over a book with a heavily worn out spine. The book itself looks pretty thick, and he has it opened about halfway through. You get a pretty nice view of the cover, and you almost can't stop yourself from laughing. You manage, though.

  
It...it looks like one of those books Rose read a couple years ago when she was going through that phase. The intensive, steamy romance novel phase, complete with vampires and bodice ripping. This one was clearly troll style, as all the people on the cover (and there were a lot more than the standard two of a conventional human romance novel) were gray and clutching each other tightly and pulling on clothes and just...you can't...

  
oh god.

  
You snort, you can't help it. He looks...so...fucking...serious. Like, what the fuck? Suddenly, the book snaps closed and the troll is looking at you like his gaze alone could disembowel you. At any rate, he looks like he'd like to. More importantly, he's using his thumb as a bookmark. And you almost can't handle it. He saved his fucking page. In that clearly trash novel.

  
"You want something, assmunch?" He asks you loudly, a challenge edging his voice.

  
You smirk. "Nothing, dude, chill. Just...why the fuck are you reading that?"

  
"Reading what? This?" He looks down at his book and it's clear he doesn't understand why you're asking. Or why you're laughing. His confusion makes him defensive. "It happens to be one of my favorites. You got a problem with that, douchebag?"

  
"Nah, not me, personally. Just like, why? I mean, you're a dude, you are clearly a dude, why are you reading a chick book?"

  
He's glaring at you, practically snarling. You can see all those sharp troll teeth. And his eyes, the irises are still gray, like his skin. From that, plus general appearance, you can tell he's roughly your age. Give or take a year, maybe.

  
"It. Is not. A chick book." He practically spits at you. "Just because it has a romantic plot doesn't make it automatically feminine. Romance is the fucking backbone of culture and society for trolls, humans, and carapaces. Believe me, I've done my fucking homework. Why is something this important only allowed to be studied by a species females? Why is it only considered suitable for females, only half of the population, I might add, to learn about the intricacies of something as important as romance? Fucking...just...ugh, shit, can I just read my book in peace, you bulge sucking shades clearly designed for women wearing prick."

He opens the book again in a huff, and for a moment all you can do is fucking stare at him. You weren't really expecting the full on rage tantrum on such a stupid topic. "Hey, don't insult the shades, bro. You can't insult my shades for being feminine if I can't make fun of your book for being feminine. You hypocrite."

  
He's glaring at you again, book splayed open on his lap so you can't look at the cover and giggle anymore. "Did you want something, nookbreath, or are you just talking to hear yourself speak?"

  
You shrug. "I dunno. I'm bored, and you're the only not busy person here with, like, half a functioning brain."

  
He sneers at you.

  
"Dude, that's a compliment. Take it."

  
The troll is still staring at you, angry as shit. You wonder if he's always like that, or if he's just extremely agitated at you and the situation he's probably in with whoever he's waiting for.

  
"Okay, fuck, sorry. Hey, I'm Dave."

  
You hold out your hand for him to shake. He looks at it as if debating whether or not to bite it. You withdraw, but give him a double finger gun instead. His sneer deepens as you shoot imaginary bullets at him.

  
"This is usually the part where you tell me your name."

  
"And why the fuck would I want to do that?" He growls. His voice sounds acidic, poisonous.

  
You shrug. "To be a polite motherfucker?"

  
His eye twitches. You swear it does. The book is still open on his lap, and from the way he's clutching it, you fear for the book's life. If he grips it any tighter he's going to rip it in half.

  
Then he sighs the loudest sigh you've ever heard, his entire body falling into the action, folding forward until you think he's going to just collapse onto the bench. It's honestly kind of fun to watch, he's acting like it's the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his life.

  
"Name?" You ask as patronizing as possible.

  
He's glowering at you still.

  
"Karkat." He responds wearily.

  
At least he's answering you. There's that.

  
"That's a weird name, but you're a troll, so..." You trail off with a shrug. "is your last name weird, too?"

  
"You know what, fuck you. Maybe I think your name is weird. But you're a human, so..." He shrugs sarcastically back at you. "Fuck you."

  
"Wow, okay. Well, I'll let you know that my last name is, in fact, a little on the weird side. At least it's not a quote unquote normal name. It's Strider. Dave Strider. Sup."

  
"I'm..." he sighs heavily again, rubbing a hand across his face, over his eyes. "My name's Vantas."

  
You nod. "Karkat Vantas. Hey. So, what are you in for?"

  
He's practically cringing at you, ready to ignore you and go back to his book instead.

  
"Relax, dude. I was joking. Clearly you're not actually a fucking suspect in anything, or you'd be handcuffed to this shitty bench."

  
"You're damn right I'm not a suspect in anything." He's almost smirking to himself. "If I'd done anything illegal you better believe I wouldn't get fucking caught."

  
"Wow, that's a lot of confidence coming from a guy who doesn't look like he'd last a minute in a gang fight."

  
He scoffed. "You don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about, asswipe."

  
"What? You wanna fucking go?" You say sarcastically.

  
The troll, Karkat, that's his name, puts his book down between the both of you and sits up. "You know what? Yeah, yeah I fucking do."

  
He stands up, and he does look ready to rumble with you, which you find hilarious because you were clearly joking. On top of that, he's tiny. Like, so fucking tiny. He's maybe shorter than Terezi (who's about as tall as your father), and she's one of the shortest people you know. He's a little ball of furious energy, you can practically feel him buzzing with anger. You want to laugh at him.

  
Karkat begins to stomp away from you, towards the doors. "Well?" He yells at you. "Are you coming or what, doucheass?"

  
You finally let yourself laugh, and it's not the quiet chuckle you thought it would be. It's a full on, gut busting laugh. You honestly can't help yourself, even as you watch Karkat's face darken considerably as his rage bubbles closer to the surface.

  
"What the shit are you laughing at?" He's practically shrieking. "Get the fuck up, get outside, and fight me like a man, you shitlord!"

  
He pushes the door open and waits to usher you outside. You want to keep laughing at this guy, it's almost physically hurting you not to. This guy is so lucky it's you he's talking to and not some other poor bastard. If you were anyone else, there's not a doubt in your mind that Karkat would be arrested near immediately with how he was talking. But it's you, and the cops that are sitting at their desks, clearly watching the two of you interact as opposed to doing their jobs know you and your family. They know you're a trouble maker. They also know you're a windbag who's all bark and no bite. You're not going to do anything, and they know it.

  
Karkat doesn't know it, though. He has no idea how easy he has it right now, picking a fight with you. That lucky bastard.

  
"Karkat, Karkat, holy fuck, I was kidding!" You get up and approach him slowly, like you've seen your father do a million times to deranged criminals and your sister Roxy do to injured stray cats. "Now why don't you sit back down and read that book you brought with you instead of drawing so much attention to yourself? Come on."

  
He doesn't move, just stares suspiciously at you and your gesturing hand. You sigh and reach out a hand that he flinches away from in disgust.

  
"Don't fucking touch me!"

  
"Then go sit back down and wait for whoever the fuck you're waiting for."

  
He glares at you. "Make me, fuckass."

  
"Okay, fine." You shrug and turn back to the bench.

  
You can feel him watching you from where he's letting out all the sweet, sweet air conditioning, and you try to satisfy his curiosity by making your movements as exaggerated as possible. You pick up his book and scrounge around in your pocket until you find a pen. You click it dramatically and watch as his eyes widen.

  
"Strider, what the fuck are you doing?" He looks comically panicked. You love it.

  
"I'm gonna draw dicks in your book."

  
You place pen to paper, and before you can even begin to draw the tip he's launched himself away from the door and at you. You knew trolls were fast, but you weren't expecting him to be that fast. You almost drop your pen, but nope, you've got a firm fucking grip on the thing. And Karkat's got a firm fucking grip on your wrist, simultaneously trying to pry your hand open with his fingers. Damn, his claws fucking hurt. But you can deal.

  
You're no longer in total control of your hand, with Karkat's wrapped around it tightly and his other arm reaching around you at a weird, probably uncomfortable angle to get his book out of your reach. Your swinging your arm like a wild man while also trying to keep the both of you balanced on the bench, which is fucking difficult shit, to say the least.

  
When your pen slashes a big red gash across the page, you swear it's not your fault. It's a little late now to tell him you were mostly bluffing. You were probably going to only draw, like, one penis, very small, and near the end of the book. And really, from the bit you read, the book wouldn't really notice the addition of one more fucking penis. This book was trashier than you thought. This book is basically porn.

  
You want to tease him about it, but you're a little busy right now.

  
He starts punching you with the hand that's not holding yours. It's still at a weird angle, so it doesn't hurt as much as you think it probably would in other circumstances, and also it's just your shoulder, so it's all good. But then he starts biting you, and jesus h. fucking christ, that hurts like a bitch. You're probably bleeding.

  
"Ow! What the fuck? Karkat, get off me!" You try to shake him off and shoo him away with the hand holding the book. Which isn't your best idea, but at least he stops punching and biting you to try to get it.

Except now he's climbing on you to get at the book, which also kind of sucks because now there's a very sharp knee cap digging in your back.

  
"No, you wrecked my favorite book, ass hat! I'm not getting off of you until I get my book back, Strider, and some compensation for the damage!"

  
"Compensation for the damage? You shitting me? It's one line! It didn't even do anything, you can totally still read it! Which is too bad, because it's fucking garbage."

  
"Take that the fuck back! It's a great example of quadrant vacillation, which you would know if you actually took the time to fucking read it!"

  
"That doesn't stop it from being garbage. And why would I care about quadrant vacillation, I don't fucking do quadrants."

  
"Of course you don't, you piece of human filth. Why don't you educate yourself on alien cultures and expand your horizons a bit, you fucking prude."

  
"Wow, there's a first. Dave Strider, fucking prude. Well, I'll be honest with you there, Vantas, since apparently we're calling each other by last name, since you have yet to call me Dave-"

  
"Only people I actually respect get to have first names."

  
"-shut up, I wasn't done. Any babe who's lucky enough to be a Strider rider isn't gonna go looking for action in other quadrants, I'll tell you that much. Because I'm the whole fucking coolkid package, dude. You aint got nothing on me."

  
You wink at him, even though you know he can't see it. Or maybe he can, because he goes red in the face.

  
So he's a rustblood. Not that any of that hemospectrum bullshit matters to you, you just find other bloodcolors interesting. It's usually pretty easy to tell, since most trolls have it broadly displayed on their clothes, along with their signs. It occurs to you now that this particular troll is just wearing gray on black for anonymity.

  
Interesting.

  
"Oh my god, just shut the fuck up and give me my book back, Strider!"

  
"How about no?"

  
"Yes."

  
"No."

  
"Yes."

  
"No."

  
"Fuck you."

  
"Buy me dinner first."

  
He lets out this weird strangled groan type of thing and just...gives up and goes boneless against you. He slides effortlessly off of you, off the bench, and to the floor, energy spent.

  
"Fine." He sighs tiredly. "Fucking keep it. Who even gives a shit? That was stupid. So stupid."

  
You look down at him from where you're sitting like a normal motherfucker on the bench. He doesn't so much as acknowledge you, not that he could since his face is to the linoleum.

  
"Um...dude, are you okay?"

  
He groans but doesn't move. "Are you blind or something? I'm peachy fucking keen. My joy is as vast as those that have experienced the faygo drenched miracles of the mirthful messiahs themselves. This is the best day of my fucking life. I love posting bail for my shitty excuse for friends and waiting an eternity for them in a god awful police station on the world's most uncomfortable bench next to the biggest douche I've ever met in my entire painful fucking existence. Today's the best. I don't know how the universe is going to top this one, definitely in my top ten."

  
"Ten out of ten, would do it again?"

  
"Fuck you, but also yes, exactly that."

  
He's still on the ground, and you still have his book in your hand. You're seriously wondering how this thing survived that brutality that was your combined childishness. This spine is stronger than you thought. You look at the back cover, skipping over the little descriptive blurb, no matter how flowery the language, it's porn. You know it's porn. Why is it even pretending it's not? Whatever. Damn, even better, it's cheap porn. Four dollar porn. You look down at the troll laying on the ground. He looks even smaller when the fight's drained out of him. You don't like it. You crack open the back cover and do what you came to do.

  
You doodle several dicks all over the back in red ink, write 'dave was here' and then, in the very right hand corner where he would nearly have to take a magnifying glass to see, you leave your chumhandle. You're uncertain about leaving it, which is why you wrote it so small, but you have a good feeling about leaving it. At the very least, it's one more person to keep you from being bored. And he's kind of interesting to mess with, you justify. You hope he's as expressive online as he is in person.

  
You drop the book on his head.

  
"I don't want your trash, bro. All yours. I'm gonna have to wash my hands at least ten times tonight to get that filthy, filthy smut off of them. That's at least ten times more than normal, mind you. You made me feel gross, that's how disgusting that book is."

  
He picks the book up off his head and flops onto his back, staring daggers up at you. "Hey, this might be disgusting trash, but it is my disgusting trash, and I happen to like it. So fuck you sideways with a cactus."

  
"Ah, so you agree it's trash." You smirk, crossing your arms and feeling superior.

  
He props himself up on his elbows and rolls his eyes at you. "You said you read part of it before you fucking defiled it with your dumbshit pen. Of course it's trash. I'm not fucking dense, I know the difference between actual garbage and good literature. Just because it's one of my favorites doesn't mean I think it's good."

  
"So...you know it's bad?"

  
"To use a human idiom: duh. It's terrible. I've read things better put together in the comments section of youtube. There have been fanfics written by wrigglers that wax poetically better than the flat protagonist of this novel."

  
"...why would a wriggler write a fanfic? Aren't those, like, troll babies?"

  
"Exactly. My metaphor makes perfect sense. See what I'm getting at?"

  
"That book is not only porn, it's cheap, poorly written porn."

  
"Yes."

  
"It also happens to be one of your favorites."

  
"Yes."

  
"...because it's bad?"

  
He shrugs, readjusting himself so he's sitting cross legged on the floor and facing you. Karkat is flipping through his book to see if you did anything else to it while he was having his fit.

  
"No, there's plenty of terrible books out there, and that's a terrible reason to like them. I'm not a fucking masochist. For a trashy book, it actually does a really good job showcasing vacillation, which is really important concerning troll romance. But I mostly like it for sentimental reasons."

  
There's a weird expression on his face that you can't really read as he continues to carefully flip through the book. He gets to the part you marred with your pen, and he flinches like it was a physical jab at him.  
Great. Now you kind of feel bad. Dammit.

  
You kind of regret drawing on the back now. It had seemed like a great idea at the time.

  
He continues flipping through it and seems satisfied until...

  
there it is.

  
The back page.

  
He looks at the page, then at you, then at the page again. His expression is virtually blank. Like yours must be right now, or literally any other time ever. You have an awesome poker face.

  
"Strider, the fuck is this?" He folds the back cover and shoves the book almost directly in your face, so you make eyes to balls contact with your own beautiful work.

  
"I promised you shlongs and I fucking delivered. What does it look like?"

  
"...penises, Strider." He says to you slowly, as if you're stupid. "It looks like penises."

  
He studies the drawings himself, scrutinizing them, feigning intrigue in your masterwork. " 'Dave was here' " he reads, then he looks at you, then his eyes trail dangerously to your lap. He's fucking smirking again. Only this one is closer to a smile than the last one. You don't like where this is going. "I take it these shlongs are actual size?"

  
"Fuck no." You feel the urge to cross your legs, because he's still fucking looking.

  
He nods. "Right, right. Clearly they're enlarged to show texture."

  
He's taking these drawings a lot better than you expected. Then again, you didn't actually wreck the text, which seemed to be where most of his concerns were located. You wish you'd drawn more dicks.

  
"Okay, fuck you-"

  
"Buy me dinner first."

  
That shuts you up for about .2 seconds while you think of a rebuttal. You just had the greatest idea ever, and you have to keep yourself from grinning as you pull your wallet out.

  
Karkat's staring wide eyed at you, page of red dicks open in his hands. He looks just as panicked as earlier, and it's a beautiful thing. You pull out four dollars.

  
Karkat goes completely pale, and you swear you can hear him stop breathing. This was an unexpected turn of events.

  
You slip the four dollars into the book, obscuring a particularly well drawn dong, lift your shades, and wink at him.

  
"Your place or mine."

  
He goes from pale gray to red in zero to sixty. He looks so fucking freaked and embarrassed that you're pretty sure you rendered him speechless. Little does he know this is the end of your smooth rope, and you yourself are a little surprised you were able to come up with something that wicked on the fly like that. Usually you're as smooth as chunky peanut butter. But today you are on a roll. You are butter on a roll.

Because you're that smooth. And also on a roll. Fuck, where were you going with this?

  
Karkat picks up the four dollars carefully and tries to give them back to you, but you raise your hands so they're out of reach for him on the floor, and he refuses to get up. After a minute or two of playing dollar dodge, he gives up on placing the bills in your hands and just lets them drop unceremoniously into your lap.

  
"Neither place. Why don't you go fuck yourself." Then he turns around so he's not facing you anymore, and you can see his shoulders hunch as he opens his book again and ignores you.

  
You lean over him and hold your breath as you read a little over his shoulder. Shit, it's been awhile since you took troll anatomy for health class, you kind of forgot how weird and alien and wiggly their parts were. Also that sex involved buckets. And apparently a lot of biting. And some bleeding. Ah, this was blackrom, probably. That would make sense. At least you hope it's blackrom and not some insane S and M type of deal. You stretch an arm out and carefully place the money in the fold of the spine so it functions as a bookmark.

  
He immediately snaps the book shut and glares up at you. "What the fuck are you doing?"

  
"Compensation." You say matter of factly. "You know, for damages? You were going on and on about it earlier while also biting me in a fashion pretty similar to the one you're reading right now. Pretty sure you remember. Say, you weren't trying to get me into your hate sex quadrant, were you?"

  
"Please." He spits back at you. "That would require me having at least an ounce of respect towards you. Which I don't. That was just platonic dislike to you as a person."

  
"Alright, good to know. Anyway, there you go, the full price of your beautiful, trashy hate porn right there. Fully covered."

  
Karkat opens the book again and counts the money. Then puts it back and just stares at it. You're not sure whether you expect a thank you or a fuck you. A fuck you seems more likely.

  
You get neither. "It's 3.99 plus tax."

  
"Yeah, and that's four dollars there. I rounded up, you can repay me the penny later."

  
"Plus tax." He repeats.

  
You raise an eyebrow at him. "You want me to pay the tax?"

  
He nods. "I'm going to have to pay the tax. You said you were reimbursing me, so that means you pay the price. The full price. That means plus tax."

  
"Okay, okay, fine. Fuck, you're lucky I'm so generous. What is tax, anyway, like, thirteen cents?"

  
He shrugs. "Fuck if I know. Sure, sure, thirteen cents."

  
You dig through your wallet for the elusive change, it takes you longer than you want to admit to find the dime and pennies you need, but when you do you just drop them so they bounce off of Karkat and roll a little bit so he has to get up and get them his fucking self.

  
"There you go, Vantasshole, four dollars and thirteen cents. Happy now?"

  
He gets up and chases a penny that rolled towards your dad's chair. He looks at you as he gets down on his hands and knees to retract the thing from where it got stuck under the wheel. "I'm never happy."

  
You scoff. "Yeah, whatever."

  
Karkat puts the change in his pocket and sits back down next to you on the bench, cracking open his book again in another attempt to actually read it. You're ready to leave him alone for a couple minutes until there is a repeat of tonight's earlier bustle; only in the opposite direction.

  
There's a gaggle of policemen grumbling to themselves as they dejectedly trail two trolls and one of the smallest carapaces you've ever seen. It hits you like a ton of bricks that these must be the guys you were talking to your dad about earlier. The members of the Midnight Crew. Holy shit, what the fuck were they doing out already?

  
You wonder if Karkat knows what's going on. He wasn't here when they arrived, so he hadn't borne witness to the hullabaloo that took place. This would be a fun thing to talk about. You could brag about your dad catching some gang members, that's bound to pique people's interest, especially the interest of other bored teens stuck waiting for people in a police station. You're actually a little excited about this.

  
The trio is moving incredibly slow, you think, considering one of them is this towering mass of a troll. You think it might be for the sake of the other two, though, since one of the trolls was wheelchair bound and the carapace had the stumpiest legs you've ever seen. Only, yeah, it feels like it's a deliberate action by all three of them as they approach the doors.  
No, not the doors. The bench.

  
You spare a glance over at Karkat. He'd snapped his book shut when the cloud of blue uniforms had wafted in, and his eyes are trained on the three as they advanced. His eyes are...different than you expected.  
Confusion you'd get. If he recognized the fuckers from the papers or something, you'd even understand fear. But no, he looked...agitated. Yeah, he looked agitated more than anything else.

  
And his expression? You'd been maybe expecting it to be blank or a little freaked. But once again your expectaions were subverted and you're left staring at one of the sternest, most frustrated faces you've ever seen.

  
The three stop just short of the bench, and Karkat stands. Should you stop him? No, he looks fucking determined to do whatever it is he's gonna do. And you're kind of rooted to your seat right now, anyway. Karkat tucks his book under his arm and stomps over to them, and you're dying to see what happens next.

  
He stands in front of the three of them, and you again think about how short he is. The only one he's actually physically taller than is the little carapace dude, the one in the wheelchair would be significantly taller than Karkat if he wasn't, you know, fucking sitting. This doesn't stop Karkat from glaring intimidatingly at all three of them with a gaze that could melt plastic.

  
Only the wheelchair guy looks ashamed when Karkat looks at him, and that doesn't seem to sit well with Karkat. He beckons the taller one down to him so they're face to face, and you notice he's smiling like an idiot and wearing the weirdest face paint you've ever seen. You don't have a good feeling about this. Maybe you should call him back to the bench before he does something stupid that he'll regret.  
Before you can even so much as open your mouth, Karkat fucking smacks the gang members with his fucking book.

  
You're left speechless and slightly stunned, as are several of the officers in your vicinity.

  
"What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You!?" He scolds as he continues to hit them. "Who the fuck gets apprehended for fucking sopor possession? Are your pans that fucking rotted? What the shit?"

  
"Sorry, bro." Says the big one, grinning widely in Karkat's face.

  
Karkat smacks him again and jabs a finger at his nose. "Don't you 'sorry bro' me, Gamzee. This is probably your damn fault! This is the third fucking time you've done this shit this month! You gotta fucking learn, douchebag, not everything is motherfucking miracles and faygo rainbows all the time. I'm not always gonna be able to bail you out. Fuck, I probably shouldn't anymore after this. Maybe then you'll get it."

  
The big guy's smile never falters during Karkat's reprimand, and when he finishes the big guy just pats him on the face. "I feel you, best friend. Do whatever you think the messiahs want you to, bro."

  
Karkat sighs and shoos the hand away from his face. "Yeah, yeah, motherfucking miracles, whatever. Go stand over there and think about what you did."

  
He points over to an empty desk, and the big troll stumbles away and does exactly as he's told.

  
This is weird.

  
Karkat turns his attention to the other two and gives them a final bop on the head with the thick spine of his book. Both flinch and rub the sore spots on their heads, looking up at Karkat and waiting for their own reprimands.

  
"I expected better from both of you assholes. Tav, what the fuck? You said you had a handle on this!"

  
"I...I did!" The wheelchair troll-god, pick a different identifier, his horns are fucking huge, go with that-the giant horned troll defends weakly. "Things just got a little...out of hand. Gamzee was high when I got there!"

  
Karkat sighs again and drags a hand across his face. "Of course he was. When is he not? But Tavros, seriously? Just because he's high as a fucking kite connected to sputnik doesn't mean you have to join him, you know that, right? That's called peer pressure and it's stupid as fuck. Grow a fucking posture pole and stand up for yourself."

  
"...w-was the pun intended?" The troll with the crazy huge horns asked quietly.

  
"What?" Karkat responded, then shook his head. "No, no. Fuck, no. If I was going to insult you about your fucking disability I'd do it in a way more roundabout way, you know that. What I meant was, get some fucking confidence and just, you know, don't be a dumbass." Karkat shrugs at the end to accentuate his point. He should be a public speaker, you think to yourself. You almost tell him as much, but don't because that would be interrupting and you don't want to be hit with a book. "Now get the fuck out of my face."

  
The troll rolls away and joins the giant still standing in front of the desk. Meanwhile, Karkat stares down at the little carapace, tapping his foot agitatedly at him. The little guy doesn't even look phased, and actually waves up at Karkat. He _waves_. You feel sorry for the little dude, you have a feeling Karkat is going to verbally eviscerate him, while possibly continuing to assault him with a paperback.

  
Karkat squeezes the bridge of his nose. "Deuce, what....just...why?"

  
He seems to have a surprising lack of words for the carapace. The carapace has zero rebuttals.

  
"You're not even high! Why the fuck are you even here?"

  
The little carapace just blinks at him, and Karkat groans.

  
"What the actual fuck? You're an adult, I shouldn't have to babysit you! How did you even get arrested? What the shit did you do?"

  
The carapace says nothing again and just shrugs. Something must have clicked in Karkat's brain, because suddenly he's looking down at the carapace with the most weary look you've ever seen.

  
"You hit someone with your fucking cane, didn't you?"

  
The silence must be enough of an answer, because Karkat continues.

  
"Was it an officer?"

  
No answer, but the silence is plenty enough, because Karkat groans again and buries his face in his hands.

  
"I don't have time for this shit! I am a teenager, it's a Friday, posting bail at a police station is the last place I should be right now! Fuck you for getting in the way of me doing nothing, Deuce. And fuck the other two for being stupid dumb fucks with less than half a functioning pan between them if they thought calling me was a good idea."

  
"But you did come." Calls the bighorned troll by the desk.

  
"Yes, but you didn't know that I was going to!" Karkat snaps without turning around. You see bighorns shrink back into his chair.

  
"It was a motherfucking miracle." Says the tall troll.

  
"I am so fed up with this shit." Karkat looks completely done as he rolls his eyes at the two behind him and turns his attention back on the carapace. "Don't think I'm not telling Slick when we get home."

  
This seems to get the reaction Karkat wanted, as the little carapace is shaking his head no and gestating like a mad man.

  
"Oh, and while we're at it, give me your cane. I'm confiscating it."

  
Fuck, he sounds like a mom. He's talking to members of a notorious gang and he sounds like a mom.

  
Karkat holds out his hand, and the carapace looks like he's not going to obey for a moment.

  
"I'm waiting." Karkat says impatiently, and the carapace drops the weirdest looking cane or whatever the fuck it is into Karkat's waiting hand.

  
Karkat looks...less than pleased with his bounty. No, scratch that, he looks fucking disgusted. "Why do you even have this? Where the fuck did you get a bull penis cane? That's...that's fucking disgusting."

  
Is that what that is? Fucking disgusting is the understatement of the century.

  
Karkat swallows thickly. "Alright, assholes, we're leaving. Say goodbye to the nice officers who had to babysit your sorry asses."

  
The three raise their hands and wave goodbye as Karkat, without any warning whatsoever, grabs ahold of the two troll's ears and begins to drag them away. "Holy fuck, I was being sarcastic. Don't fucking wave goodbye to them, what's wrong with you?"

  
You manage to find it in you to call out a quick farewell. "See you around, Vantas."

  
"Not if I have any say in it, Strider." He retorts on his way out.

  
Then he's gone, dragging three gang members with him.

  
You turn to the officers who all saw what just went down.

  
They look almost as surprised as you feel.

  
"Um...anyone wanna fucking explain what just happened?"


	2. Chapter 2

Your father pushes forward against the crowd to get to you. "Why don't you explain first?" He demands.

  
You feign ignorance at his sharp tone as best you can, which isn't very hard considering you're still not one hundred percent sure what just went down. One minute you and Karkat were mouthing off harmlessly to each other, and the next minute he was yelling angrily at dangerous criminals. You really wanted to know what his deal was.

  
"I don't know what you mean, I was just chatting up this funny little shouty troll and then he left...in the company of the Midnight Crew."

  
You shrug, because really that's what happened. You have no idea what was going on there.

  
"Dave." He said testily.

  
You matched the tone. "Dad."

  
"Dave."

  
"AR."

  
You only referred to your father by his "nickname" when you're serious about whatever you were talking about. AR was aware of this, and knew you didn't use his name lightly. He let the subject drop.  
You cross your arms and readjust in your seat. "Now, anyone want to explain to me what's going on here?"

  
Your father sighs and crosses his arms, mirroring you unconsciously. "That funny little shouty troll you were chatting up? He's a member of the Midnight Crew. Not only that, but he's a pretty high profile member, the son of the Midnight Crew's boss, Spades Slick."

  
"The boss's son?" Karkat didn't exactly fit your mental image of the heir to a criminal organization. He was small and disheveled and really, really loud. Not at all the clean cut, professional looking guy who let his actions speak louder than words you'd envisioned. Then again, all your opinions on that kind of person were gleaned from movies. You'd also expected him to have a Brooklyn accent, if you were being honest with yourself. There was also another reason he didn't fit your image. "But...he's a troll."

  
He rolls his eyes at you. "And?"

  
"And...the Midnight Crew is made up of carapacians?" You phrase this as if it's a question, even though you know it's fact. The Midnight Crew only has about four or five members, they actually would have been pretty small change if their gang wars with the Felt weren't so fucking violent.

  
"Yes, Dave. He's adopted."

  
"Oh." Well, duh. You don't know why you were surprised by that, since you and your siblings were in a similar situation.

  
"Now that you know the situation, maybe you'll explain to me just what exactly you two were talking about?"

  
You shrug again. "We honestly didn't talk about much. Not anything important, anyway. I was bored, he was interesting to talk to. That was really it."

  
You kind of wish you had gotten his chumhandle, or at least had written yours a bit bigger. He was even more interesting now that you knew a little more about him.

  
"Did he let anything slip about his family, or the organization in general? Anything you think could help with our ongoing investigation?"

  
You think about it, you really do. There isn't anything you could think of where he'd let slip anything that was remotely usable. Except maybe...

  
"He said if he did anything illegal he wouldn't be caught for it. He seemed pretty confident about it. That helpful at all?"

  
Your father nods. "It's probably a usable piece of information. Thank you, Dave."

  
You nod back. "No problem, pops."

  
One of the other cops claps your father on the shoulder. "We're gonna have a conference in the back room, AR. Dave, if you don't mind waiting here for a bit longer?"

  
"Nope, no problems here. Y'all just go ahead and do your jobs."

  
You readjust yourself on the bench and pull out your phone again. The cops disappear, and you go back to what you were doing before.

  
God, you're so bored.

 

A half hour passes and you start to get hungry. You check the time, it's about nine. You've been here almost all fucking night and haven't eaten the entire time.

  
You have a feeling you're not going to go grocery shopping tonight. You should probably find a vending machine or something to tide you over. You're pretty sure the one in the back has doritos...

  
It doesn't take much more convincing from yourself to get you standing.

  
You wander around the station a little bit, it's been awhile since you've searched out the vending machines. Quite awhile.

  
You look for five or six minutes before you finally find the beautiful piece of shit junk food machine. It's lit up inside, showcasing every last piece of candy and bag of chips in glorious, glorious fluorescence. You could almost cry.

  
Then you look at the contents of the machine, and you almost do cry.

  
There are no doritos.

  
No cool ranch for the coolkid.

  
Them nachos are not yours.

  
Something something, there are no fucking doritos in the vending machine.

  
You lay your forehead against the plexiglass and sigh. What even is life without doritos? You suppose you could ask Rose, she would probably know. Or you could text Dirk and ask him to go out and buy your chips for you when you get back. But probably not.

  
Oh, hey, this vending machine has kitkats. At least there's that. You pull out your wallet.

  
There

  
is

  
nothing

  
in

  
your

  
fucking

  
wallet.

  
It's empty. Completely tapped out. Oh, right. You gave all your money to Karkat earlier, save for like, seventeen cents in change.

  
Seventeen cents will not get you a kitkat. Seventeen cents will get you nothing.

  
You kind of hate Karkat right now. How dare he prevent you from buying a kitkat. Stupid shouty, porn reading, gang member troll.

  
You steam in front of the vending machine for a bit longer when you hear voices from the room next to you. Oh, right. Isn't that...

  
that's the conference room.

  
Which means those voices are talking about the ongoing Midnight Crew case. Interesting.

  
You stray a bit closer to the door. It doesn't count as eavesdropping if you're lamenting the lack of doritos and money in your wallet.

  
At least you hope it doesn't.

  
"...-gonna need someone to infiltrate the group."

  
"Like who? We don't have anyone trained to go undercover."

  
"Plus they only seem to accept carapacians. Although, more recently, they have been extending their crew to include trolls. From what we can gather from the most recent busts, anyway. We don't have a lot of troll or carapace cops, though. Can we really afford this?"

  
"I'm willing to." Offered a new, extremely familiar voice.

  
You freeze where you stand. That's your father's voice.

  
Your father just offered to infiltrate a gang.

  
Your father, the very definition of a cop, just offered to go undercover in an organized crime unit. Your father couldn't act like he isn't a cop no matter how hard he tried.

  
His nickname is Authority Regulator, for crying out loud!

  
Your father just offered to go undercover.

  
Your father basically just offered to kill himself.

  
That's not okay. You are not okay with this.

  
But then again, what can you do about it? It's not like you can say anything. You're an eavesdropping minor/civilian. There's nothing you can do about this. Except, maybe...

  
Maybe you can...do something? Like, say...go undercover yourself?

  
Yeah, yeah, there was an idea. You'd already established a repartee with Karkat. You basically already had a foot in the door. You could get yourself into the gang, how hard could it be? You got this.

  
This was a fucking bombastic idea! You're pretty sure it may be the best/worst idea you've ever had in your entire life.

  
All you've gotta do is infiltrate the gang, get the members, specifically Karkat, probably, to trust you so they tell you everything, all their plans, heists, take overs, the works, keep them from finding out about your life as a cop's kid, keep your father from finding out about your secret double life in the same gang he's going to infiltrate simultaneously, and keep your cool so your friends and family don't suspect anything.

  
There you go.

  
That shouldn't be too difficult.

  
Yep, not hard at all. You've got this. You've got this.

  
The people are still talking behind the door, and you still have no money and no kitkat. But hey, at least you have a plan. That's something.

  
You move as nonchalantly as possible back to your seat, poker face at the ready, as usual. Nothing to see here, folks. You are the picture of cool.

  
You sit back down on the bench. No one's paying attention to you, because you're just that good at faking ignorance. Undercover assignment? What undercover assignment? Your dad's just gonna be working late for awhile. Whatever.

  
You take out your phone again and just stare at it. You have nothing you want to do. You sigh to yourself.

  
Your phone buzzes in your hand, someone's pestering you. You open up pesterchum. It's a handle you don't recognize. You smirk, you bet you know who it is.

carcinoGeneticist [CG]began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
CG: WHO THE FUCK LEAVES THEIR CHUMHANDLE ON THE BACK OF ANOTHER GUY'S BOOK SURROUNDED BY SQUISHY, MALFORMED DOODLES OF HUMAN MALE ANATOMY? WHAT THE SHIT, STRI-DOUCHE?

Yup, you were right. You continue to smirk, until you think about all the things you're going to have to do to keep your family safe. Suddenly talking to Karkat seems less fun.

TG: calm down karkat jegus youre mental screeching hurts my ears almost as  
much as your actual screeching.  
CG: WHAT THE EVERLOVING BULGE CHAFING FUCK IS A JEGUS?  
TG: i meant jesus it was a typo calm your tits  
TG: rest your breasts  
TG: hakuna your tatas  
TG: chill your grill  
TG: shit i cant think of anything that rhymes with mammaries  
TG: karkat you got any  
CG: FUCK YOU  
TG: nah that doesnt rhyme youre terrible at this bro. cross rapper off of  
the list of potential jobs if being in the mob doesnt properly expand  
your glands like you want it to.  
TG: shit expand your glands thats a good one im writing it down hold tight  
CG: NOW THAT YOU ARE FINALLY DONE BLINDING ME WITH THIS OBNOXIOUS RED TEXT,  
CAN I TALK NOW? IS IT FINALLY MY TURN, NOOKWHIFF?  
CG: I'M TAKING THIS BLESSED RADIO SILENCE AS A YES. I'M GOING TO KEEP  
TYPING. FIRST THINGS FUCKING FIRST, LET'S GET ONE THING CLEAR. I'M  
STILL MAD AT YOU ABOUT WHAT YOU DID TO MY FUCKING BOOK. THAT WAS WAY  
OUT OF LINE. NO AMOUNT OF CHUMP CHANGE WILL MAKE UP FOR THE WAY YOU  
WRONGED ME, YOU ILLITERATE DOUCHENOZZLE. SECOND THING: YOU NEVER  
EXPLAINED EXACTLY *WHY* YOU FELT THE URGE TO WRITE YOUR HANDLE IN THE  
BACK OF MY BOOK, IN THE SMALLEST, SLOPPIEST HANDWRITING I'VE EVER LAIN  
MY BULBS ON, SO I HAD TO PRACTICALLY TAKE A FUCKING MAGNIFYING GLASS TO  
IT? WAS THAT JUST TO GET ME TO LOOK AT THAT TINY, MINUSCULE DICK YOU  
DREW NEXT TO IT? A FINAL "suck my alien bulge" IF YOU WILL? THIRD AND  
FINALLY FOR THE TIME BEING; WHAT THE FUCK EXACTLY DO YOU KNOW, OR  
BETTER, *THINK* YOU FUCKING KNOW, ABOUT MY FAMILY, YOU BILGE  
SCROUNGING, BOTTOM-FEEDING ANAL FISTER?  
TG: oh wow i am not reading all of that. i mean what the shit i was only gone for like two seconds to write down that choice phrase i mean it took me a minute to find my good pen, and by that i mean the sweet red one i used to defile your book with a buoquet of dicks. i can't believe you called my text obnoxious karkat why would you hurt me like this and then hit me with this wall of gray text you hypocritical bastard  
TG: i am now going to answer your questions, which would be better described as a ranty list of insults, in the order you asked them because that's just how i roll, capiche   
TG: ive never said capiche before that was weird and i don't think ill do it ever again   
TG: dude i paid for your book i don't know what more you could want from me four dollars thirteen cents that was the deal now be free and buy yourself a shiny new porno you little pervert. also i am not illiterate i can read because otherwise how could i complain so vehemently about these violent charges against my person, shit sniffer?  
TG: two out of three, i left you my handle because i thought you were interesting (that can either mean weird or cool or both, you can pick you lucky fuck) and i had a feeling if i left it you would probably contact me eventually and surprise! you did. you fell right into my web of cool. i am a spider and you are an unlucky fly.   
TG: you're the fly  
TG: it's you  
TG: but yeah in all honesty i thought talking to you might be cool you dont seem like a horrible boring person so i decided to give you my handle as for the tiny penis by it well that was just the icing on the dong  
TG: last thing you dont have to get so defensive about your family i honestly know like close to zilch about them i was there when they apprehended those two trolls and the little carapace dude and everyone was all excited and dancing around and shit going ding dong the Midnight Crew is dead  
TG: even though they weren't  
TG: and it sounds like those guys just got caught on a technicality or something and also werent a big deal at all anyway i knew they were members and then you left with them after smacking sopor and also the little guy had if i heard you correctly a cane made out of bull penis who has that what the fuck  
TG: but yeah i know nothing about your family except that you have some high friends in the underground  
TG: and possibly actual family members but i dont actually know how troll familial units function i was under the impression you guys were just raised by weird giant monsters or something but maybe everything i learned in public school was a lie  
CG: THAT WAS SO MUCH FUCKING MORE THAN I EVER WROTE, YOU OUTSPOKEN WINDSOCK  
TG: what the fuck  
CG: SHUT YOUR TAINT CHUFFING SEEDFLAP, IT'S MY TURN TO TALK. OR TYPE. YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU, WHATEVER. I DO HAVE HIGH FRIENDS IN THE UNDERGROUND, NAMELY GAMZEE,YOU MET HE WAS THE SUPER TALL ONE WITH THE WILD HAIR AND TALL POINTY HORNS AND THAT STUPID FUCKING MIRACLE SMEARED SHIT EATING GRIN.  
TG: yes this sounds familiar do go on  
CG: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP. AND YEAH, HIS ARREST WASN'T FUCKING RELATED TO ANY FUCKING GANG ACTIVITY, THANK FUCK, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY FUCKING BETTER ABOUT HAVING TO BAIL HIM OUT BECAUSE HE WAS HIGH AGAIN AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING. HONESTLY, I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT MIRTHFUL MOTHERFUCKER SOBER A DAY IN HIS LIFE, HIS PAN'S PROBABLY RUSTED ALL AWAY BY NOW. IT'S KIND OF FUCKING DEPRESSING, IN RETROSPECT, BUT WHAT CAN I REALLY DO ABOUT IT? EXCEPT TRY AND GET HIM TO STOP. OR AT LEAST GET HIM TO STOP SHARING WITH HIS DUMBASS MATESPRIT AND KEEP THEM BOTH OUT OF TROUBLE LIKE I'M THEIR FUCKING LUSUS OR SOMETHING.  
TG: wait so mohawk bighorns is clown guys boyfriend  
CG: IN YOUR SINGLE QUADRANT HUMAN TERMS, YES. THEY'RE BOYFRIENDS.  
TG: i didnt see that coming  
CG: WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO? IT'S NOT LIKE PEOPLE GO AROUND BROADCASTING PERSONAL SHIT TO THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, LIKE SAY WHO A TROLL HAPPENS TO BE BANGING AT THE MOMENT.  
TG: ah yes the horizontal monster mash  
TG: the alien tentacle tango  
TG: the pelvic thrust  
CG: ARE YOU DONE OR DO I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THAT POLICE STATION AND BEAT YOU WITH MY BOOK? I'VE DONE IT ONCE TONIGHT, I'LL DO IT AGAIN.  
TG: wait i got one more  
TG: the empress's nude groove  
TG: get it like your species empress and also that one Disney movie with david spade  
CG: ARE YOU DONE?  
TG: wait fuck that was awful  
TG: um  
TG: dinglehopper  
TG: there i did it im tapped out  
CG: ANYWAY, THIS SORT OF HAS TO DO WITH WHY I BROUGHT THE BOOK TO THE STATION WITH ME TO BEGIN WITH, IF YOU'D FUCKING PAY ATTENTION, STRIDER.  
TG: i don't really want to but for you babe anything  
CG: JESUS H. SHITTING CHRIST, WILL YOU CRAM YOUR STUPID FACE HOLE ALREADY!  
TG:i have several of those karkat be more specific  
TG: im shoving grapes up my nostrils man im just trying to be helpful  
TG: work with me here  
CG: YOUR MOUTH. PLEASE BREAK ALL OF YOUR CALCIUM NUBS AND KEEP THEM INSIDE THE BLEEDING MAW THAT IS TO BECOME YOUR COMPLETELY DESTROYED, RAW, PERT LIPS AND TAPE THAT ENTIRE MONSTROSITY WITH EXTRA STRENGTH DUCT TAPE SO YOU NEVER OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH TO TALK EVER AGAIN.  
CG: AS I WAS FUCKING SAYING BEFORE YOU SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED ME FOR THE THIRD FUCKING TIME, STRIDER YOU TURRETTS DRAGGLED SHIT STAIN, I WAS USING THAT BOOK FOR TG: right on your troll Vaseline  
CG: VACILLATION. AND NO, NOT ON VACILLATING. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE BOOK HAS MORE THAN ONE FUCKING ROMANTIC MERIT. I ACTUALLY WAS USING IT TO BRUSH UP ON  
CG: FUCK, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS.  
CG: AUSPISTIZING  
TG: auspitizing  
CG: AUSPISTIZING  
TG: auspiciousizing  
CG: AUSPISTIZING  
TG: austeopurosis  
CG: HOLY MOTHER GRUB, STRIDER AUSPISTIZING! NOW STOP MAKING ME TYPE THAT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M SPELLING THAT FUCKING WORD CORRECTLY.  
TG: fucking word i thought that was one of the not fucking quadrants great now it turns out everything i know about trolls is a lie damn you public education  
CG: YOU KEEP SAYING THAT, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. I ALSO HAVE A PUBLIC EDUCATION AND WHEN IT COMES TO TROLL SOCIAL STRUCTURES AND HISTORY AND SHIT IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY THOROUGH AND NEARLY SPOT ON. EXCEPT FOR THE STUFF ABOUT MUTANT BLOODS AND THE REBELLIONS ON ALTERNIA, THAT STUFF'S A LITTLE VAGUE AND USUALLY WRONG AS FUCK. I DON'T USUALLY SING MY PRAISES TO THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM, BUT MINE'S DOING A HELL OF A JOB ON THE TROLL EDUCATION FRONT. WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN GO?  
TG: that doesnt really matter now does it public school is public school is public school so what the fuck do you have to study up auspefuhefjshf for  
CG: OKAY, SIT THE FUCK DOWN  
TG: already am  
CG: CRAM A BULGE IN IT, DOUCHEBAG, BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT QUADRANTS.  
CG: OKAY SO THE THING WITH AUSPISTICISM IS, IT'S USUALLY USED IN A BLACKROM RELATIONSHIP.  
TG: kissme  
CG: WHAT  
TG: that's the quadrant kissme or whatever  
CG: IT'S A KISME*SIS* YOU DENSE FUCK. BUT YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE. GOLD FUCKING STAR, ASS HAT. YOU KNOW THE BARE MINIMUM ABOUT TROLL RELATIONSHIPS, CONGRATU FUCKING LATIONS. AS I WAS SAYING, BEFORE, AGAIN, YOU INTERRUPTED ME-WHICH SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE CONSIDERING YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GUMMING YOUR OWN STUPID CALCIUM NUBS WHILE YOU STRUGGLE WITH THE LOCKJAW YOU ACCIDENTALLY-ON-PURPOSE GAVE YOURSELF BY TAPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT WITH  
CG: WAIT FOR IT-  
CG: EXTRA STRENGTH DUCT TAPE!  
CG: WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE? I HAVE THE WEIRDEST SENSE OF DEJA VU COURSING THROUGH MY POSTURE POLE. WHY EVER COULD THAT BE? MAYBE BECAUSE, FUCK, IT COULDN'T BE...  
CG: WAIT, BUT IT IS! I SAID THAT EXACT. FUCKING. THING. RIGHT UP THERE. IF YOU SCROLL UP. A COUPLE MINUTES AGO. SO, LIKE ANOTHER THING I SAID ONLY A GOD DAMN MOMENT AGO, CRAM A BULGE IN IT, DOUCHEBAG.  
CG: WHOA, THERE'S THAT DEJA VU AGAIN! FUCKING WOW!  
TG ...are you done  
CG: YEAH, I'M DONE. EXCEPT WAIT, NO I'M FUCKING NOT. BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND; QUADRANTS.  
TG: fuck  
CG: THAT'S INVOLVED, YES. USUALLY AN AUSPISTICE IS UTILIZED IN A KISMESIS GONE WRONG, WHEN A BLACKROM SHOWS THE POTENTIAL OF BECOMING TOO VIOLENT AND POISONOUS TO THE INDIVIDUALS INVOLVED, SOMETIMES BLEEDING OUT TO THE INDIVIDUAL'S OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, BOTH FRIENDS AND QUADRANTMATES. THAT'S WHEN AN AUSPISTICE ELECTS THEMSELVES AS A MEDIATOR BETWEEN THE TWO AND, I'M GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS IN PROBABLY THE LOOSEST TERMS POSSIBLE SO EVEN YOUR DUMB SHIT PAN CAN UNDERSTAND, KEEPS THEM FROM FUCKING MAIMING OR KILLING EACH OTHER.  
CG: BECAUSE BLACKROM IS USUALLY MEANT TO ANTAGONIZE A PERSON YOU BEGRUDGINGLY HOLD A HIGH AMOUNT OF RESPECT FOR. YOU DON'T GET INTO BLACKROM WITH AN ENEMY, OR SOMEONE YOU REALLY *REALLY* WANT DEAD. JUST SOMEONE YOU'D LIKE TO MESS WITH, SOMEONE YOU'D FIND ORGASMIC JOY FROM RUBBING THE WRONG FUCKING WAY.  
CG: THAT'S WHAT A HEALTHY KISMESISITUDE SHOULD BE LIKE, AND AN AUSPISTICE IS INVOLVED WHEN THE KISMESISITUDE TAKES A MUCH BLACKER TURN AND GOES SOUR. BUT THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF CONVENTIONAL ASHEN RELATIONSHIP I PLAN ON HAVING. NO SIR FUCKING REE, NOT THIS TROLL. BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE A SINGLE FUCKING NORMAL RELATIONSHIP IN MY ENTIRE HORRIBLE BULLSHIT EXCUSE FOR A LIFE.  
TG: so youre telling me that that was all background info like i didn't actually need to read any of that daunting gray to get what you're actually doing  
TG: i call bullshit on being labeled an outspoken windsock you're clearly the more outspoken of the windsocks  
TG: also can we not get into whatever relationship drama you currently have im not really into that type of shit if you really wanted to talk your emotions out i could patch you over to my sister she likes to pretend shes a therapist but actually shes just a gossippy know-it-all who likes to meddle in other peoples issues and tell you youre a latent homosexual  
TG: but youre a troll youre all basically some sort of not straight you should be fine she might diagnose you with something though tread carefully  
TG: so should i give you her handle or  
CG: OR LET ME FUCKING FINISH? THAT'S A GREAT IDEA! THE BEST YOU'VE EVER HAD IN THAT ROTTING BALLSACK YOU CALL A BRAIN.  
CG: WHAT I'M PLANNING TO AUSPISTIZE ISN'T SOMETHING THAT GENERALLY NEEDS AN AUSPISTICE, BUT IN THIS CASE I THINK ONE IS FUCKING NECESSARY. YOU KNOW HOW I WAS WAITING FOR MY FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY GOT ARRESTED FOR EATING SOPOR AND THEN GOING OUT AND TAKING THE ASSHOLE SHOW ON THE ROAD?  
TG: yes i do recall i don't think ill ever forget that magical moment when we first met how dare you accuse me of possibly forgetting such a beautiful and life changing event  
TG: also that was like three hours ago how short do you think my memory is i am not a goldfish karkat  
CG: STRIDER, I COULD NEVER MISTAKE YOU FOR A GOLDFISH, BECAUSE THEY AT LEAST KNOW HOW TO HOLD THEIR FUCKING TONGUES. LIKE I SAID, WAY, WAY EARLIER IN THIS WAY TOO LONG CONVERSATION, GAMZEE AND TAVROS, OR AS YOU CALLED THEM, MOHAWK BIGHORNS AND CLOWN GUY, ARE IN A MATESPRITSHIP TOGETHER. AND THAT'S GREAT AND ALL, I'M HAPPY AS A GOD DAMN CLAM FOR THE BOTH OF THEM, I REALLY AM. THE THING IS, EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE FUCKING GREAT AND THEY TOTALLY WORK TOGETHER AND ALL THAT OTHER RELATIONSHIP JAZZ, THERE *IS* A BIT OF A PROBLEM. GAMZEE'S ALWAYS HIGH AS THE FUCKING TWIN MOONS OF ALTERNIA, AND TAVROS...  
CG: TAVROS HAS NO FUCKING SELF ESTEEM TO SPEAK OF. FOR EXAMPLE, HE'S INTIMIDATED BY *ME*.  
CG: SO WHAT I'M GETTING AT HERE IS, TAVROS CAN'T SAY FUCKING NO TO GAMZEE ABOUT ANYTHING. ESPECIALLY THOSE PAN RATTLING SOPORIFICS. USUALLY I WOULDN'T GIVE A BULGE SQUEEZING FUCK WHAT THEY DO IN THEIR SPARE TIME, BUT WHEN IT AFFECTS EVERYONE...  
CG: WHEN IT AFFECTS THE ENTIRE FUCKING GROUP LIKE THAT AND POSSIBLY PUTS US AS A WHOLE IN JEOPARDY, IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY.  
TG: wait so youre planning on auspiswhatever your two friends heart square thats fucked up probably  
CG: FUCK, WHEN YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT IT SOUNDS BOTH HORRIBLE AND ALSO DUMB AS SHIT. I'D HONESTLY RATHER SAW OFF MY OWN BULGE, DIP IT IN MIND HONEY AND DEEP THROAT THE DAMN THING THAN BREAK UP A PERFECTLY GOOD MATESPRITSHIP. HONESTLY, HOW BITTER WOULD THAT MAKE ME SOUND? ESPECIALLY FOR A FUCKED UP REASON LIKE THAT?  
CG: HEY, TAV, YOU NEED TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND OR GROW A PAIR BECAUSE YOU DOING DRUGS IS HAZARDOUS TO THE WHOLE FUCKING GROUP. NO OFFENSE TO YOU AND GAMZ, THOUGH, YOU GUYS ARE CUTE AS FUCK, JUST DON'T EVER TALK TO EACH OTHER AGAIN OR SHARE A QUADRANT. HOW FUCKED UP WOULD THAT WHOLE SITUATION BE?  
CG: BUT ALSO...YES? EXACTLY THAT?  
CG: FUCK, I'M A TERRIBLE FRIEND.  
TG: okay im gonna stop you right there youre not a terrible friend or maybe you are i actually barely know you but you seem alrght so there you go i just want to talk a bit now because again that was a lot of text and i feel like there should be some give and take here you know so strap yourself in for the ride of your life because we're gonna talk about something using my "OBNOXIOUS RED TEXT"  
TG: that was a direct quote from you earlier by the way that is what the refrance for starters id just like to point out that you told me a hell of a lot of weird/ personal information about you and your friends now a normal person wouldnt spill that shit to someone theyd just met that day unless you feel it too...this strange connection  
TG: karkat dont deny it i know you do  
TG: anyway im pretty sure theres a quadrant for spilling your guts on the floor and it also involves slapping you very softly in the face until you calm down and also platonic cuddling  
TG: yeah meowwows thats a thing i remember from troll class  
CG: IT'S MOIRAILS, FUCKASS. AND IF YOU MUST FUCKING KNOW THIS ISN'T EXACTLY SOMETHING I CAN DISCUSS WITH MY MOIRAIL RIGHT NOW.  
TG: why the fuck not thats their job isnt it  
CG: BECAUSE MY MOIRAIL IS DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN THIS SHITTY SITUATION, ASSHOLE.  
TG: shit its the trippy clown bro isnt it he touched your face earlier which i thought was weird but now it makes sense fuck im sorry bro is that another reason why you brought the book because you knew youd be playing conciliatory hopscotch all across your four square  
TG: that came out weird  
CG: EVERYTHING YOU SAY COMES OUT WEIRD. YES, THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WHY. DAMMIT, I'M GONNA HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH GAMZEE. I DIDN'T REALLY THINK ABOUT THAT. THIS IS GOING TO FUCKING SUCK IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE, WE'VE BEEN PALEMATES SINCE WE WERE SIX SWEEPS OLD! FUCK, I HATE EVERYTHING. I'D RATHER NOT FUCKING DO THIS. TG: okay im just gonna come out and say this i dont think you have to worry about losing your pale pal because of this from the very little i know about troll quadrants and it is indeed next to nothing i dont think you can actually fucking auspioerjoehr anything thats not black quadrant danger zone it sounds like youre just a concerned friend more importantly a concerned monorail hell probs listen to you dude you got nothing to worry about youre overcomplicating this shit  
CG: OH WOW, FUCKING REALLY? JEEPERS, MISTER, I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT! THANKS SO FUCKING MUCH, YOU'RE A GOD DAMNED PEACH. MORE SPECIFICALLY, YOUR THINK PAN IS A GOD DAMNED ROTTING PEACH THAT IS MARINATED WITH GENETIC MATERIAL, SINCE IT'S BEEN SITTING LODGED UP MY NOOK LONG ENOUGH TO BECOME GELATINOUS AND JUST SLIDE RIGHT THE FUCK OUT AND BACK THROUGH YOUR OCULAR CANALS WHERE IT NOW RESTS, SQUISHY AND DISGUSTING, IN YOUR SOFT EXCUSE FOR A SKULL.  
TG: dude chill it was just a thought  
CG: YEAH WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THOSE. SHIT, I GOTTA GO. WE'LL TALK LATER, IF I EVER FEEL LIKE MELTING MY PAN A BIT MORE THAN IT ALREADY IS.  
TG: alright looking forward to it talk to you later dick face  
CG: WHATEVER. BYE, NOOK BREATH.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

You close up pesterchum and sigh to yourself. You tried your best, but at this point you're pretty sure he might fucking hate you. If it continues at this rate, you don't think you'll be making any progress any time soon. This might be more difficult than you thought.

  
You check the time. It's almost eleven.

  
You have a feeling it's going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My internet was disconnected, but it's back now and with it is another chapter.  
> I'd like to point out that there's some violence in this chapter, but I don't feel like it's a whole lot and I'm not sure how likely it is to reoccur at this point, so I haven't mentioned it in the tags.  
> There's some blood, though, just to warn anybody.

You don't talk to Karkat at all over the weekend. That's not really your issue, though, you did say sup a couple times when you saw he was online, but the asshole never responded. Maybe he was busy. Or maybe he just didn't want to talk to you.

  
He was probably busy.

  
You'd like to think that you didn't mess up your plans of saving your dad and playing undercover spy just because you said some stuff to some troll you'd only just met. But whatever, you had time to stew over that dramatic shit later, you weren't even sure when your old man was going to go undercover himself.

  
No, now, on a sort of brisk, pretty dark Monday morning when you're walking into school with your three siblings, is not the time to think about this. Now is the time to go talk to your friends.

  
"Dave, hey!"

  
Something heavy crashes into you while another glomps on to your side.

  
"Haven't seen you around, cool dude!"

  
Speak of the fucking devils.

  
"You guys are way too bright for a Monday morning. Or any morning. Ever." You deadpan, shaking John and Jade off of you. John lets go almost immediately, but Jade's got a grip like iron on your arm. You leave her alone because she could kick your ass in a heartbeat.

  
"Some of us are just natural morning people." Jade says.

  
"And some of us just drink a fuck ton of coffee." John adds, which you find way more believable.

  
"I'll take your word for it." You reach your locker and Jade finally releases her vice grip on your arm so you can open it. You thank whatever gods are currently available for that. "So, sup?"

  
"Don't 'sup' us, Dave." Jade scolds, crossing her arms and glaring pointedly at you. You can tell there's no real anger in the gaze, but you're still wary of it. "What were you doing this weekend?"

  
You raise an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

  
"On Friday." John says before Jade can answer. "You missed movie night, Dave. Uncool."

  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You did not just call me uncool."

  
"I think I just did."

  
"Well, I'm sorry I missed watching Con Air again, even though we've been doing that every Friday for three years in a row. I thought I could skip one, you know? How come you're not bugging Rose about this?"

  
"Because I actually kept my standing engagement with my friends, Dave." She says, examining her nails. "Meanwhile, you were too busy doing what exactly?"

  
Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit, you are fucked. You are _so_ fucked. You've never really lied to your friends before, and you feel like now would be a terrible time to start. Plus Rose can always tell when you're lying, so that ideas out the window. You really have no excuse for why you missed it. It's not like you didn't know it was going down, at first you'd just thought you'd go and buy snacks with your dad when he got off duty at like, six usually. That gave you a good two hours before Con Air even began. But then you'd met Karkat and heard about the thing with the Midnight Crew and-

  
you just stumbled onto an excuse. Good job, you. Gold fucking star.

  
"I made a new friend." You say nonchalantly, as if you've always been so fucking social and make new friends all the time. You haven't made a new friend in four years.

  
"Holy shit, really?" Says John, you can hear the giddy disbelief in his tone. Ouch. "What are they like?"

  
"Yeah, tell us all about them!"

  
"Yes, Dave, tell us about this friend of yours. This is the first I've heard of them."

  
Rose doesn't sound convinced, which you understand, because she's just as social as you. You don't appreciate the way she's looking at you under her bangs and the way she's leaning against your locker, looking like she's ready to transcribe every word you say so she can catch you slipping in a lie.

  
Sometimes you fucking hate your sister.

  
"We met at the police station." You begin. You're going to be as honest as possible. "I'm actually not sure if you could count him as a friend or even an acquaintance. We had a nice dialogue going, though. I did my usual thing and he yelled at me while using an array of colorful phrases any sailor would be proud of, which I'm assuming was his usual thing. If not, then I was way out of line giving him my chumhandle. But hey, he responded almost immediately, so there's that."

  
You shrug at the end, leaving out all the interesting bits about your "new friend"s connections to the Midnight Crew.

  
But even with that bit of truth evaded, John and Jade are exchanging an odd look you can't really place. You're not a big fan of odd looks you can't place.

  
They turn back to you, and the odd look is gone, replaced with their usual goofy looking grins. You're not a big fan of those right now, either.

  
Then they're both talking a mile a minute, and you're almost blown away from the force of the sheer excitement they're both struggling to contain.

  
"Was he a troll?"

  
"About this tall, right?"

  
"Nubby horns?"

  
"Overbite?"

  
"Weird spiky looking bedhead?"

  
"Glare that could melt steel?"

  
"Serious investment in romantic shit?"

  
You find that all of these identifiers fit, at least the ones you can hear, anyway.

  
"Yes." You say.

  
They stop babbling off traits that could help determine this is whomever they're both thinking about.

  
"Yes to what?" Jade prods.

  
"Yes to all."

  
And then they're both squealing and jumping around excitedly and you don't understand why. But your ears hurt, you know that. You turn to Rose for an explanation on this display, but she just shrugs.

  
You wait for the two to finish jumping before you request one yourself. "The fuck was that about?"

  
"Dave, I can't believe it, you met Karkat!" Jade says, bouncing a little.

  
"Finally!" John shouts to the heavens. Or rather, the ceiling. "My two best bros have met!"

  
"Wait a minute, fuck no. That can't be right. John only knows two trolls. That one creepy spider bitch he dated for awhile in like, eighth grade and that other loud one that flirted with him that one time. And I've already met Vriska, so fuck no, I didn't meet your friend."

  
But you know it's the truth, because Jade used a name, and you've never heard of another troll with that name. Fuck if you befriended John's first asshole rejection.

  
"Yes, you did!" John insists. "And he's actually an okay guy, we've hung out a couple times since he tried to hate date me and I had to tell him I wasn't a homosexual. We got past that and now we're friends!"

  
"Yeah, he's cool!" Jade adds cheerfully. "I met him last year at the gardening club-"

  
"Gardening club? He doesn't strike me as the green thumb type." You say skeptically.

  
"Well, he's not in it. His friend is. You know, that Maryam girl."

  
You do not know that Maryam girl. You nod anyway.

  
"He used to stop by all the time and hang around her and stuff. Eventually I asked him what the fuck he was doing there and if he wanted to join. He yelled at me a lot about it, but I chewed him out just as bad for being in the garden during club hours and not helping. So now whenever he comes by we have him do a bunch of odd jobs-which he complains loudly about-but he does them. He also gives surprisingly good romantic advice."

  
She sounds a little wistful and impressed about that last part. You wonder if she ever sought his services for her romantic endeavors. You mainly wonder if she asked him what to do about your confession last year.

  
Whatever, you were over Jade now. It was all water under the bridge at this point.

  
"This Karkat person sounds intriguing." Says Rose, stroking her chin thoughtfully.

  
"He is! And now that Dave's met him, we can all hang out together!" John sounds excited about it. Something occurs to you as you watch your two friends bounce around with morning energy.

  
"Say," you inquire, "if you've been such good friends with Karkat this whole time, why didn't you introduce me to him earlier?"

  
They stop bouncing around for a minute, faces suddenly grave.

  
"Karkat has a really...abrasive personality." Jade admits carefully.

  
"We thought you two might not get along." John shrugs. "But you guys met all on your own and are friends now! It's like fate! Friend fate! And now all of us can hang out! Maybe I'll invite Karkat to movie night next weekend. I don't think he's ever seen Con Air before. Oh boy, I can't wait!"

  
"Calm down, John. It's only Monday."

  
"Yeah, but that just means there's only four more days until Con Air! Oh hey, there's Karkat. We should call him over and tell him about our plans for friday. Don't you guys think so?"

  
"I agree, but I don't think we're gonna have to call him over. Look, here he comes now!"

  
Jade pointed down the slowly crowding hall. You follow her finger and sure enough, there's Karkat. He looks even smaller dodging clustered groups of his peers than before. He also looks...angrier.

  
Like, a lot angrier.

  
"Someone's not a morning person." You mumble to yourself.

  
"Hey, Karkat!" John calls out to him, waving like a maniac.

  
Karkat ignores him and continues to stomp towards the four of you.

  
Yeah, he's mad. You can practically feel the heat of his rage radiating off of his body. He wasn't this mad when he left you on friday. You wonder what could have happened over the weekend to upset him this much.

  
"Hey, Karkat, how was your weekend?" Jade asks when Karkat's in a more proper hearing range.

  
He doesn't respond. You wonder if he can even hear her over the sound of his own growling.

  
You don't have a chance to wonder anything else before Karkat punches you right in your fucking face.

  
The blow connected with your mouth and split your lip, and you're so surprised by the blow you can't even stop yourself from falling on your ass.

  
"Whoa!"

  
"Karkat, what the fuck?"

  
Again, no response is given to either John or Jade, he's just sneering down at you. Okay, so suddenly he has beef with you, what the fuck?

  
You don't even question it, you just sweep his legs out from under him and retaliate. You tackle him while he's still stunned from landing squarely on his own ass. You're pretty sure the back of his head connected with the floor, but you don't really care at this point. He wants a fight? He doesn't know what he's gotten himself into.

  
You have him trapped under you with your legs, and you use this leverage on him to get a good look at his face before you wreck it with your fist.

  
You hit him in the lip with all you've got, which turns out to be plenty. You're not surprised by this. You and Dirk strife a lot, both armed and hand to hand. It's always good to have a few different styles to defend yourself in your repertoire.

  
Karkat's teeth scrape against the new split in his own lip, tearing it more.

  
Okay, apparently you were wrong on the rustblood front.

  
You don't have time right now to consider Karkat's weird blood color. You're in a fight right now.

  
The asshole's glaring up at you, a fire behind his eyes that wasn't present on Friday night. Or maybe it was, it just wasn't burning as brightly.

  
Karkat headbutts you. Fuck, that hurt like a bitch.

  
Next thing you know, you're vision's clouded by those stupid cartoon stars and tweeting bluebirds.

  
You're holding a hand to your forehead and yep, that's tender. That's gonna leave one hell of a bruise. You feel a little dizzy on top of that, so you don't really react when Karkat slips out from under you and is face to face with you.

  
He's so fucking close to you. Your noses are practically touching. It's a little weird, and for a moment nothing happens as you both just stare at each other. He's still snarling, only now it looks way more dangerous with his shark teeth all bloodstained like that.

  
You're both just breathng heavily, a little bit worn out from the beginnings of an early morning brawl. He's way too close for comfort, you can practically taste the coffee on his breath.

  
You begin to wonder if he's reconsidered the whole kismesis thing.

  
His face is coming closer as if to prove your theory. You're frozen in place. It's not like you can say you didn't see this coming, you totally just called it, but that doesn't mean you fucking like the idea.

  
His hands are around the arms of your shades.

  
"I want to see the shock in your eyes when I fucking blacken them." He growls, practically in your mouth.

  
Oh, well fuck that. There is no way he's taking your shades. John gave those to you!

  
The sunglasses have already slipped halfway off your face when you return his headbutt from before.

  
"Ow, fuck!" He tears himself away from you, and you can finally breathe easy as you smirk down at him. You don't even mind the pounding that's beginning at the base of your own skull. You squint a bit into the pain.

  
That's when you notice how fucking bright everything is.

  
Shit, where are your shades?

  
Your eyes dart around. Karkat doesn't have them. It appears that he lost his grip on them when you slammed heads together again. They went skidding across the floor to the feet of the crowd you hadn't even noticed had gathered around the two of you.

  
Damn, where was your head today? Probably still not awake yet, it's not even eight.

  
Karkat sure is giving you a lot of time to think. You turn defensively back to him, finally getting to your feet. He doesn't even acknowledge, his hands obscuring his face. He has his sweater sleeves covering his nose, and you can barely make out the way the already black sleeves are darkening.

  
You headbutt had been effective, but not in the way it was intended. You'd accidentally met his nose, not his forehead.

  
Now, normally that wouldn't be an issue, except, as you'd noted earlier, his blood was a weird ass, unnatural color for a troll. The kind of color that, if you remember correctly from whatever fucking troll class, would get him an instant death sentence. Even now, if anyone in the district of Little Alternia found out, he'd probably still get murdered, and not a single troll would bat an eye.

  
...maybe you should end this fight. Or at least move it to a more private venue.

  
You're about to suggest as much when he gets up slowly to his feet, glaring at you the whole while. You can't help but notice he still looks fucking pissed. He's not even concerned about the blood. Or maybe he is, he drops one hand, but the other stays firmly in place under his nose.

  
He's gonna fight you one handed? That's a pretty ballsy move. You kind of respect that. Not as much as you find it completely idiotic on his part, though.

  
Whatever, you'll let him do what he wants. Who are you to judge?

  
You get into position and wait for him to strike.

  
Karkat opts for a more animalistic approach this time comes at you, claws at the ready.

  
You feel the tips prick the skin on your chest and tear at your shirt a bit when you dodge. You gotta hand it to him, the little fucker's fast. You don't have time to come up with a killer defense strategy other than just fucking dodging his hand when he's at you again, nearly grazing your face. You wonder how much longer the two of you can keep this up before a teacher comes to break you guys up or, god forbid, the bell rings.

  
Karkat goes for a kick, or maybe to sweep your legs out from under you like you'd done to him at the beginning of the fight, but you successfully flashstep away from that and into his waiting razor sharp nails again.

  
Fuck, he was expecting that? Are you that predictable?

  
His nails scrape long, thin lines down your back, and you can feel it start to bleed. It's not a lot, but it's enough.

  
He smirks, and it's that almost smile from Friday again, only this time more spiteful. You don't like it. You kind of want to kill him.

  
You kind of really want to fucking kill him.

  
You both lunge forward at the same time, and honestly at this point it could be anyone's fight to win. But you'll never know for sure, because the moment you both step forward is the same one you both are finally pulled apart.

  
Jade has a firm grip on you, your arms locked behind you. You could probably still kick Karkat in the face if you tried hard enough. Your legs are long enough, and you're definitely flexible enough to do it, but Jade would probably murder you. Jade might murder you anyway, and probably Karkat, too. She'd just finished telling you that she was friends with that irritated ass face and how excited she was that you guys were maybe friends.

  
Well, he sure proved the both of you wrong on the maybe friend front. You doubt if this even counted as the kind of sparring acquaintances did.

  
Karkat was being held back by a troll that you knew by sight, but not by name. The big, sweaty blue blood who was a little too into horses and always looked like he was agitated about something. He and your brother Dirk talked sometimes, since they both had similar hobbies, but you wouldn't go as far as to call them friends. Karkat seemed to be trying the same approach you had considered, struggling futilely against the hulking, probably body builder. His legs flail uselessly off the ground, and you almost laugh because he looks ridiculous in his fury.

  
"What the bulge chafing fuck, Equius, put me down!" He shouts at the big troll. You think he starts sweating a bit more at that.

  
"I can't obey that order at this moment. My apologies." The other troll, Equius, you guess, says, his voice strained. "The principal ordered me to put a stop to this fudging nonsense. Excuse my vile language."

  
"No sweat off my shame globes."

  
"Towel, Equius?" A smaller troll interrupts. Oh, hey, it's that cat girl. You know her, sort of. She and Terezi roleplay online together sometimes, video chatting more often than not. You've always thought that made zero sense, since Terezi was blind and all, but she said she could smell and taste colors, so whatever. You always chalked it up to weird troll sensory shenanigans.

  
You also know the other troll for an entirely different reason; the reason probably everyone else present recognized her. She was a martial arts champion, the best in the state, as far as you know. Fuck, did she know Karkat?

  
You were suddenly glad to be leaving with a split lip and a couple scratches. If it had been Nepeta you'd be leaving in a god damn body bag.

  
Equius takes the towel from Nepeta, only holding Karkat with one arm now, Karkat's own arms pinned to his sides. "Thank you, Nepeta."

  
"Equius, I can go to the principal's office by myself. Put. Me. The fuck. Down."

  
"I can't do that."

  
"What, you're suddenly incapable of loosening your god damn vice grip, hoofbeast fucker?"

  
"No..."

  
"Then what's fucking stopping you?"

  
"What if I release you and you attack the human filth again?"

  
"I'm not going to do that. I'm a man of my word, Equius. You know that."

  
"But you're a filthy rustblood."

  
"Oh, really? Fuck, I had no idea what color the swill in my veins was, you upper crust, spectrum obsessed shit. Thank you for informing me about how disgusting the quality of my own blood was. Really, thanks for that."

  
Equius looks like he's going to respond, but then closes his mouth again.

  
"That was some of your human sarcasm, wasn't it?" He asks, completely serious.

  
"Yes. Now put me down before I kick your bulge and render you unable to be aroused by the erect hoofbeast genitalia you consider 'fine art'."

  
"I...can't do that."

  
Karkat seems ready to make do on his threat when Nepeta interrupts before anyone's junk can be wrecked beyond repair.

  
"I could take him." She offers. "I'll make purr he gets down to the principal's office."

  
Maybe you have a concussion. You're pretty sure you heard her say purr instead of sure.

  
Karkat groans loudly. "Nepeta, it's too early for you to be using cat puns."

  
Nepeta pouts at him. "Well, if you want Equius to take you, fine."

  
Karkat rolls his eyes. "Fine, fine, what the fuck ever. Use as many cat puns as you want. I still think it's too...purr-ly for, fuck, mew to be using cat puns. Goddamnit, Nepeta, I hate cat puns so much right now...I mean meow. Why can't...cat you just leave this shit in the chat room...cat...groom, shit this is harder than I thought, like everybody else?"

  
"Efurrybody else." She corrects with a giggle. "You're getting there, Karkitty."

  
Nepeta motions for him to put Karkat down, and Equius obliges easily.

  
"Say, Jade, whenever you want to let go is cool with me." You whisper to your friend. "Don't get me wrong, I feel so close to you right now, babe. It's just a little too close, know what I mean? I'm beginning to lose feeling in my arms, and I really like my arms, Jade. I'm kind of attached to them. So, you wanna maybe let me go?"

  
Jade squeezes you tighter, and you're almost certain you popped a lung. "I'll think about it."

  
Fuck, ow.

  
She lets you go suddenly. You're so glad you've never fought Jade, either, in this moment. She could kill you easily. Definitely with one hand behind her back. You're so glad she's against fighting.

  
Well, she does wrestle with Jake a lot, but that's more playfighting than anything else.

  
Jade grabs your hand and starts dragging you down the hall, in the opposite direction of your first hour math class.

  
"Yo, Harley, where we going? I know I complain like a bitch about math and all, but I don't think that's a good enough reason for us to be skipping right now, don't you think? Class is that way."

  
"We're going to the principal's office, Dave. Duh." She rolls her eyes at you behind her round glasses.

  
Speaking of glasses, shit, you never grabbed your shades.

  
"That's cool and all, Jade, but what about my shades? We have to go get them! They're just lying there on the ground, all cold and scared and wondering where daddy went. Is daddy ever coming home? He left to pick up takeout four days ago, just how far away is the fucking Chinese place?"

  
"Dave, relax. Karkat's got your shades."

  
"Karkat has them? How is that supposed to help me relax? I don't know if you noticed, Jade, but we just had a major brawl in the middle of the hallway."

  
"Yes, Dave, I noticed. No worries, he's not going to do anything. At least, not while Nepeta's present. She'd kick his ass."

  
"Heh, yeah."

  
It's not a long walk to the principal's office, but you decide to be a kid about it and use all of your remaining strength to struggle like a little bitch against Jade so she has to use at least a bit of her unending storage of strength to get you to your destination. Karkat's already there by the time you get there, sitting in one of those uncomfortable as fuck plastic chairs and without a Nepeta to regulate his behavior.  
He's sitting casually with one leg crossed over the other, arms resting easily on the back of the chair in the most cliche coolkid pose possible, complete with the hardest to read poker face you've ever seen.  
And he's wearing your shades.

  
What an asshole.

  
"Sup." He says. Is he making fun of you?

  
"Okay, fuck you." You reply agitatedly. You don't have time for this shit.

  
You plop down in a chair, leaving one between the both of you so you don't have to fucking look at him. But you do anyway, because he looks like such a douche right now.

  
Fuck, it's like you guys switched roles all of a sudden.

  
Jade actually has the audacity to fucking giggle. "Well, I'll leave you guys here, then. I have a class to go to."

  
She turns around and skips off in the opposite direction. Your phone buzzes.

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GG: you guys should talk it out :D  
GG: I have a feeling the both of you could be really good friends!

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Talk it out? But...how? You turn to look at him and open your mouth to say something, but you're not sure what you're gonna say. You're not exactly great at ths communication business. Luckily, he beats you to the punch.

  
"How the fuck can you even see in these things? Isn't your species diurnal?" Karkat takes off the glasses and squints at them skeptically.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: how the fuck can you not isnt your species nocturnal

You hit send and hear his phone buzz a mechanical sounding rendering of...is that the theme song to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Holy shit, it is! Then again it could also be the theme song to the troll version, Thresh Prince, which came out on Alternia way before human Will Smith was even born. It's so weird that there's a troll Will Smith.

  
Now that you think about it, there are a lot of human actors who have troll counterparts. Maybe they're just a universal standard? Who the fuck knows. More importantly, who the fuck cares.

  
Karkat turns off his ringer and opens up the message, and you keep as straight a face as possible as he turns and snarls at you.

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW? YOU'RE SITTING RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO ME, YOU COULDN'T ANSWER IN PERSON!? YOU'RE WHAT'S WRONG WITH SOCIETY TODAY!  
TG: okay i hear you man but look whos fucking messaging me back instead of chewing me out in real life  
TG: jesus karkat  
TG: youre everything thats wrong with society today  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU FOR BEING A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG AND DRAGGING ME DOWN INTO YOUR FUCKING WEB OF HYPOCRITICAL BULLSHIT FIRST THING IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

He's actually growling as he types. Holy shit, that's hilarious. Usually you'd try to contain your laughter, but you don't need to. You're still fucking sore and pissed off about whatever that god damn fight was about.

TG: someone woke up on the wrong side of the slime pit or whatever it is you all sleep on  
TG: what the fuck dont you have a pale pal to cuddle all this rage out of you or whatever

You watch Karkat read this last message, waiting for some kind of explosion on his end at your purposefully dense ignorance towards all things troll related. But instead of the rage induced aneurysm attack you were expecting, his expression changes. He actually looks kind of...sad?

  
You stare at your phone and wait for a response, even though you can clearly see he's not typing anything. Should you maybe...say something...out loud?

  
That...feels like it would be weird at this point.

CG: GAMZEE BROKE UP WITH ME.

Oh, right. He was having all that trouble with his fucking pale square clown on friday. Something about drugs and the greater good and whatever other serious romantic troll drama. You glance back at Karkat, who has since ended his assault on your coolkid facade and is sitting curled over his phone in one of the most defeated poses you've ever seen. He's put your shades back on, but you can still tell he's visibly upset.

  
You know you shouldn't be feeling bad for this motherfucker, there's no reason you should. At all. You met him once and you both got on each other's nerves in probably the most amicable way possible, and the next time you met face to face he tried to punch your lights out. But there's a part of you, the teeniest, tiniest part, that still feels a pang of sympathy towards him.

TG: okay well that sucks sorry to hear about that but at least you guys are still friends  
TG: and i mean normal friends not the best bros hug quadrant thing  
CG: NO, STRIDER YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND, DICKWEED.  
CG: HE DIDN'T JUST BREAK UP WITH ME AS MY MOIRAIL. HE BROKE UP WITH ME AS A REGULAR "FRIEND" TOO. HE SAID HE DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME ANYMORE.

Well, fuck.

CG: GAMZEE AND I WERE MOIRAILS FOR TWO WHOLE SWEEPS, STRIDER. I KNOW YOU CAN'T DO BASIC CONVERSION, SO I'LL JUST SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. WE WERE TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS AS QUADRANTMATES, AND WE WERE BEST FRIENDS FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE *THAT*.  
CG: THANKS FOR COSTING ME THE ONLY REAL RELATIONSHIP I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE, COOLDOUCHE.  
TG: whoa there hold your horses what the fuck do i have to do with this  
CG: DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW.  
TG: not acting bro  
CG: ALRIGHT, LET ME REFRESH YOUR MEMORY, SHIT FOR BRAINS.  
CG: I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY PLAN TO PLAY AUSPISTICE BETWEEN TAVROS AND GAMZEE, AND YOU TOLD ME IT WAS STUPID AND THAT I SHOULD JUST COME OUT AND TELL GAMZEE AS A FRIEND ABOUT HOW I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM. YOU SAID THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL HE'D BREAK UP WITH ME JUST BECAUSE I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT HIM.  
CG: WELL, SURPRISE! HE BROKE UP WITH ME.  
CG: THEN HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME ANYMORE. BECAUSE APPARENTLY, SINCE I'M NOT "DOWN WITH THE CLOWN" WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS, HE'S NOW "DOWN" WITH ME.  
CG: SO, FUCK YOU, STRIDER. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.

You guess you get where he's coming from. If anyone got in the way of your relationship between John or Jade you'd probably go trying to mess their shit up, too. That being said, you're not even sure how you're supposed to apologize for this if that is in fact what happened. You shouldn't question him about that at this point.

TG: i dont remember this conversation happening you cant just blame me for your relationships not working out wheres your proof

Or you could do that, you guess. You get why he did it, that doesn't mean you're cool with it.

CG: REALLY? YOU'RE GONNA PLAY THAT CARD? WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?

He grumbles something to himself as he fiddles with his phone. You just watch and listen. You're pretty sure he's complaining about you, or his phone, or the entire situation. Either way, it involves a lot of swear words.

CG: TG: okay im just gonna come out and say this i dont think you have to worry about losing your pale pal because of this from the very little i know about troll quadrants and it is indeed next to nothing i don't think you can actually fucking auspioerjoehr anything thats not black quadrant danger zone it sounds like youre just a concerned friend more importantly a concerned monorail hell probs listen to you dude you got nothing to worry about youre overcomplicating this shit  
CG: READ IT AND FUCKING LEAK DISMAY FLUID.  
TG: okay it looks like i did in fact say that you had nothing to worry about and he wouldnt break up with you and whatever but if you look closely i also prefaced most of that with an 'i know next to nothing about your weird relationship shit'. so im sorry that things turned out like that but dude not my fault plus it was just a suggestion you acted all like you werent gonna even listen to me so what the fuck gives  
CG: YEAH WELL, I THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID AND IT SEEMED TO MAKE SOME DEGREE OF SENSE? AT LEAST PAST ME THOUGHT THAT, AND PAST ME TURNED OUT TO BE A  FUCKING IDIOT WITH A WASTE CHUTE FOR A THINKPAN.  
CG: AT LEAST THAT IDIOT HAD A MOIRAIL.  
CG: ANYWAY IT ALSO MADE ME FEEL KIND OF...BETTER ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION. I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT I REALLY WASN'T LOOKING FORWARD TO SWITCHING QUADRANTS WITH  GAMZEE. I WOULD HAVE RATHER THINGS STAYED THE SAME, LIKE YOU SAID THEY WOULD.  
CG: BUT FUCK ME, AT LEAST WHEN I WAS PLANNING TO AUSPISTIZE I WAS PREPARED TO LOSE A MOIRAIL.  
CG: ONCE YOU TALKED ME OUT OF IT, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. NOW I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY QUADRANTS AT ALL.  
CG: I KNOW THIS ISN'T REALLY YOUR FAULT, BUT I WASN'T SURE WHAT TO DO. THIS SHIT WENT DOWN ON SATURDAY AND I STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE YET. I'VE BEEN STEWING IN THIS DEPRESSING, AGONIZING FUNK FOR ALMOST TWO DAYS NOW AND THEN I SAW YOU AND I JUST...SNAPPED.  
CG: POINT IS, YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY FUCKING DO ANYTHING, AND...I'M NOT ACTUALLY PISSED AT YOU. I'M PISSED AT MYSELF.  
CG: I'M SORRY I PUNCHED YOU.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Karkat remove your shades. He's not looking at you.

  
"Don't tell anyone I said that." He quietly hands them over as a peace offering.

  
"Alright, dude." You nod.

  
You put your shades back on, and everything is soothingly dark again. You hadn't noticed how aggravating the lights actually were until then. Silence descends between the both of you. It feels awkward, but you ran out of things to say.

  
You look at Karkat again, because now you can do that secretively, like how you prefer to. He's staring dejectedly at his lap, arms folded so that he's practically hugging himself. There's blood around his nose and lips that deceptively resembles maroon when dried out. But you know better.

  
You don't bring it up.

  
God, he looks so fucking upset though, about that dumb looking clown, no less. You think back to the police station, when Karkat slapped the hell out of him with that book and had received a weird caress to the face in response.

  
You have a hard time believing they were moirails.

  
You have an even harder time believing Karkat's the son of a prominent mob boss.

  
But, both things are true fact, no matter how unbelievable.

  
You wonder briefly if the son of the prominent mob boss is gonna cry.

  
Fuck, you hope not. Violence you can deal with, but a crying troll? You'd probably just die of uselessness right where you sit.

  
You doubt you'd be able to get in the gang if he started crying and you just sat here like a brainless vegetable.

  
He honestly looks like he could start any minute now.

  
You do the only thing you can think of.

  
You reach over slowly and pat his face, just like you've seen trolls do in the movies.

  
Karkat freezes and stares at you. He looks fucking horrified. That's...not exactly what you were going for here.

  
He stands up suddenly and walks over to the other side of the door, where there's another row of plastic chairs set up in case there's more than three people waiting for the principal at once. Karkat is now purposefully out of your reach and holding the cheek you touched like he was burned and you're the one with the offending flame.

  
You're not sure what you did, but you definitely did it wrong.

  
You seem to be making negative progress. If you're going to take any steps forward from this point you've gotten yourself stuck in, you're going to need help. Lots of help.

  
You can think of two people you could ask.

  
You can think of one person who wouldn't prank you.


	4. Chapter 4

turntechGodhead[TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

TG: jade help karkats upset what do i do about it  
GG: oh dave, that's fine! karkat's always like that, nothing to worry about. he'll get over whatever he's upset about eventually, you're just gonna have to suck it up and ride out the screaming :)  
TG: no jade thats not what i meant normal shouty karkat i can deal with. no i mean he's upset  
TG: like emotionally  
TG: i think he might cry what do i do  
GG: dave  
GG: what did you do  
TG: nothing  
TG: well something but thats not why hes upset  
TG: his paleways boyfriend just broke up with him  
TG: i kind of may have convinced him to do the thing that broke them up but whos to say for sure we dont really know what went down not really just what nubby horned shoutypants over here says  
TG: anyway he looked pretty upset so i did a thing  
GG: what thing?  
TG: nothing really it was really no big thing  
TG: he looked upset so i did that thing they always do on troll tv. you know where they like weirdly pet the upset ones face and whisper 'my precious'  
TG: nah im kidding about that last part but seriously the thing reminds me of smeagol in the lord of the rings  
TG: but anyway i did that was that an okay thing to do  
TG: please respond  
GG: of course it was an okay thing to do, dave!  
TG: phew  
GG: if you're a pale slut!  
GG: are you a pale slut, dave?  
TG: well i do have a pretty active sex life  
GG: dave, this is serious!  
TG: i know im the one that contacted you now what the fucks a pale slut  
GG: it's like a slut  
TG: yes  
GG: stay with me here  
TG: where the fuck would i even go jade im with you always have been always will be both of us from the womb to the tomb  
GG: okay just so you don't forget! it's like a slut  
TG: yeah yeah i got that shit locked down lay it on me  
GG: for the pale quadrant  
TG: and you lost me  
GG: dave come on, don't be funny right now! it's not that hard to figure out >:I  
TG: i know i know i just know literally nothing about quadrants  
TG: all the stuff i know about quadrants could fit on the head of a pin and leave room for the rest of the head  
TG: you would need an electron microscope to view the amount of knowledge i have on the quadrants  
TG: that is how infinitesimal my knowledge is  
GG: okay, I believe you and will explain, but only because this class is boring me to death :P  
TG: okay thank you please explain what being pale slutty means and also how a pale quadrant even works i dont understand at all  
GG: *sigh* dave you're hopeless. you're so lucky to have me here to help you out ;)  
TG: i really am now please get to the explaining  
TG: pale is the cuddle quadrant right  
TG: where everything is platonic  
TG: in the most not platonic sense  
GG: um...i guess cuddling could be part of it. the activities in a moiralliegance differ from troll to troll. i do know that you're not supposed to shoosh pap people who aren't your moirail, though. that's a major sign of infidelity.  
GG: and if a troll doesn't have a moirail and are in visible distress? well, in that case...  
GG: it's the most forward advance you can make on a troll.  
TG: wait what  
GG: dave...  
GG: you just propositioned karkat.  
TG: but  
TG: and here's an excellent counterargument so you better watch yourself  
TG: i didnt mean to  
GG: just because you didn't mean to doesn't mean you didn't, dave!  
TG: fuck me  
GG: stop propositioning your friends!  
TG: wait thats not what i meant

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

...and she's gone. That didn't really help you at all. You look over to see how Karkat's taking the pale equivalent of having his ass groped. He's looking anywhere but at you, and you can't really read his expression. Your phone buzzes. You hope it's Jade.

CG: WHY ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME ALL OF A SUDDEN? ESPECIALLY RIGHT FUCKING NOW? IN THE EXACT *OPPOSITE* QUADRANT YOU'D SHOWN EARLIER INTEREST IN. YOU KNOW, FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T "DO" QUADRANTS, YOU SURE ARE AMAZING AT VACILLATING.  
CG: AND BEING A FORWARD PRICK.

You don't respond, because you're not really sure how to at this point. An apology would be weird. Sorry about touching your face in apparently the clearest form of friend horniness, I just thought that was a thing regular old troll bros did. I'm not actually into you at all in any way. Sorry to burst your bubble, man.

  
Yeah, you're not doing that.

  
Back to questioning Jade.

  
Oh wait, she's pestering you now. Weird.

GG: actually, this may be for the best! kanaya told me once that their relationship was really terrible. i'm not exactly sure of the details, but kanaya said that the guy was really big  trouble and basically didn't contribute to the relationship at all. all of karkat's issues were pretty much ignored in favor of the other guy's.  
TG: well thats dumb. if theres one thing i remember from any class about morrowlegions its that its supposed to be like give and take equally or something  
TG: also that aliens dont find the gayest snuggling in the world gay at all if in that square  
GG: yeah, i actually read a thing about that! it's a diamond because both sides of the relationship are supposed to offer support for whatever the other is going through! but in messed up ones it functions more like a triangle  
TG: a triangle  
GG: yes because one is doing all the work while the other reaps all the benefits and does nothing for their moirail!  
TG: and this kanana person didnt like whoever karkat was pale dating because they werent doing the moirail thing right  
GG: she said that they pretty much ignored him when they didn't need him for a good feelings jam or other platonic calm down activity.  
TG: the guy was high as balls im not sure how much calmer he could get  
GG: apparently when he wasn't completely wasted he was pretty aggressive. you know, he almost killed equius a couple years ago!  
TG: the sweaty horse dude  
GG: yeah! but karkat snapped him out of it. apparently he's actually a really good moirail to have.  
GG: at least from what kanaya says. but i'm pretty sure she has a pale crush on him.  
TG: okay just tell me who the fuck is kanaya i dont recognize this name if that even is their name  
GG: kanaya maryam? you said you knew her!  
TG: no i nodded that doesnt mean i know her you're reading into things, jade.  
GG: it was nonverbal confirmation, fuckass!  
TG: huh deja vu karkat called me a fuckass earlier. weird. anyway this kanaya chick should i get her down here to calm his ass down or is that too soon what do you think  
GG: i don't know if that's a good idea i mean those of us who weren't in a hall brawl are in class right now.  
TG: yeah but youre texting me right now and youre like my human moirail  
GG: awww! :D  
TG: i know so emotional up in this bitch  
TG: dont you think someone whos actually pale for a bro would come running to the rescue or whatever especially if they have a chance even if its just as a rebound bud  
TG: rebounds can be some of the best shots in a game of sports i think  
GG: i...guess i see what you're getting at?  
GG: you know what, kanaya's cool she'll probably be able to help get you out of whatever hole you dug yourself into ;)  
GG: i actually thought they were moirails the first time i met them! i'm kind of disappointed they weren't and still aren't, they'd be really cute together.  
GG: okay you talked me into it!  
GG: grimAuxiliatrix  
GG: good luck, dave!  
TG: yeah thanks

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

CG: WERE YOU PLANNING ON ANSWERING ME AT SOME POINT, DOUCHE FUCK? I CAN SEE YOU TYPING OVER THERE, DON'T TRY TO DENY IT.  
TG: dude shoosh i got things to do that arent you right now  
TG: i mean that arent about you  
TG: about see how im not coming on you  
TG: onto you  
TG: fuck im gonna stop typing  
CG: HEY NO, DON'T THINK YOU CAN JUST SNEAK OUT OF THIS WITH A FEW WELL PLACED FREUDIAN SLIPS!

turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!

CG: STRIDER, DON'T YOU DARE FUCK OFF!  
CG: YOU'RE NOT TALKING TO ME ANYMORE, ARE YOU?  
CG: FUCK

You can see Karkat stewing over there in the corner and typing away at his phone at you. You're so glad he seemed to forget that verbal communication was a thing. You still have no idea what to say to him. But maybe this Kanaya chick will.

  
One way to find out.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TG: sup  
GA: I Got A New Phone Who This  
GA: Im Sorry I Don't Have A New Phone Really I Was Trying Out "Memeing"  
GA: I Dont Think I Like It  
GA: However I Do Not Recognize This Handle Who Is This  
TG: names dave and based on the above text i think were gonna be friends  
GA: Hello Dave I Am Currently In Class Right Now And Can't Carry A Conversation With You Presently  
TG: really because youre doing a hell of a job of it right now what class are you in  
GA: Okay You Caught Me It Is A Study Hall  
GA: But The Teacher Said Texting Is Frowned Upon  
TG: pesterchum isnt texting technically  
GA: Now You Are Just Splitting Hairs Dave  
GA: Did You Need Something  
TG: yes actually i dont know if you were aware but your bro karkat was involved in a pretty intense bout of fisticuffs this blessed morning  
GA: I Was Aware Of The Fisticuffs  
GA: I Take It You Were The Recipient Of The Challenge  
TG: thats correct but thats not why im making first contact with you believe me  
GA: Oh I Think I Know Why Youre Making First Contact  
GA: You Would Be "The Shaded Douche Formerly Known As Strider" Yes  
GA: The Notorious Black To Pale Vacillator  
TG: i wouldnt go so far as to say notorious that makes it seem like i do this a lot and people know about it  
TG: speaking of how do you know about it  
GA: I Have Been Chatting About It With Karkat  
GA: Did You Really Try To Pap Him After Punching Him In The Face  
TG: yes  
GA: Those Are Some Wildly Mixed Signals And Also Terribly Out Of Line On The Pale Front  
GA: He Has A Moirail  
TG: then do i have news for you ms maryam  
TG: no he doesn't  
GA: I Have It On Good Authority That He Does  
TG: no see i have better authority on the subject right now that he doesnt at least not anymore karkat himself told me he and the clown broke up  
TG: apparently hed rather be high without him than sober with him  
GA: Karkat And Gamzee Broke Up  
GA: Today Is A Good Day  
GA: That Sounded Horrible Didnt It  
TG: no it wasnt horrible it was just spoken like a true pale piner  
TG: youre like the birch evergreen hybrid that nobody knew they wanted but when you got there they were all like yes this is a good tree the best tree i didnt know this was a thing i needed in my life  
GA: Im Going To Take It You Have Heard Rumor Of My Pale Leanings  
GA: So Tell Me Dave What Have You Heard  
TG: there was definitely tell about your pale leanings thats for sure  
TG: i also heard that you werent down with the clown  
GA: No I Wasnt Down With The Clown Continue  
TG: and i know that you like gardening because a certain informant in the gardening club told me she thought you two would be cute together  
GA: It Was Jade Wasnt It  
TG: what no it was my informant  
GA: The Only Two People Who Talk About My Supposed Pale Crush On Karkat Are Jade And Nepeta Nepetas Not In The Gardening Club So That Just Leaves Jade  
TG: fuck and i was so vague too  
GA: But Not Vague Enough Would You Please Explain What You Were Getting At Class Is Already Half Over And I Do Not Want To Carry On This Conversation Over To An Actual Class  
TG: okay well where i was going with this was i done fucked up  
GA: You Have Succeeded At Being Vague Enough  
TG: yeah okay ill try to be crystal clear from this point forward  
TG: ill be so clear ill be like an extremely clean pane of glass that youre not entirely sure is there so you reach out to stick your hand outside or inside depending on which side of the glass youre on and then you just hit your hand on the glass like a dumbass and youre left with a throbbing hand going all like "shit that was really clear"  
TG: so clear  
GA: And Yet You Are Being Much Less Clear Than Before How Ironic  
TG: i knew someday someone would apprecciate my irony thank you kanaya  
TG: like ive been trying to say this whole time though i done fucked up and  
TG: *accidentally*  
TG: made your friend think i was into him  
GA: You Papped Him In The Face  
TG: see i can get how that could be misconstrued into thinking i am lusting for some platonic cuddle time and all but heres the thing  
TG: i didnt know  
GA: That Sounds Believable  
TG: thank you kanaya i had a feeling youd get it  
TG: wait are you being sarcastic  
GA: Yes Ive Been Working On My Human Sarcasm I Find I Quite Prefer It Over Memeing  
TG: it suits you better you should keep at it maybe someday your human sarcasm game will be a match for karkats  
TG: hey speaking of karkat you should come over here because good news  
TG: he is sad  
TG: and confused  
TG: and painfully single  
TG: and looks like he could use a hug from not me because i already accidentally came onto him pretty strongly and i dont want to like maybe pale propose to him or anything like that  
TG: were way too young to get hitched  
TG: also im not into him but hey you are so like if you want to haul ass over here and get your friend flirt on then i suggest you do it girl nows your chance  
TG: yo kanaya where you at  
GA: Cant Talk I Am Running Down The Hall

turntechGodhead [TG]ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

You close out of pesterchum just as the sound of hurried feet tapping down the hallway comes into earshot. You can feel Karkat's eyes on you, but you're not sure why. You make eye contact, your shades preventing exploration of your emotions. It wouldn't matter if you weren't wearing the shades, your poker face is perfect, anyway.

  
Karkat's eyebrows are knit together in confusion, forming a little crease in his forehead. There's still dried blood on and around his mouth. There's also still blood on your back.

  
"What did you say to Kanaya?" He asks tentatively. It's the quietest you've ever heard him speak.

  
You shrug. "I just told her what was up with you."

  
"What?"

  
"Well, it didn't seem like you were gonna tell her. Like I said before, I'm just trying to be helpful, man. I'm trying to be a bro in the most non-quadrant affiliated way possible."

  
"Non-quadrant?" He tilts his head. "Then what the fuck was that earlier?"

  
"Me," you admit, "being a dense fuck. I saw it on troll tv."

  
"Everyone on troll tv is a pale slut."

  
"Yeah, I know. Now, anyway." You slump back in your chair and wonder what the fuck's taking the principal so long. First period is half over already.

  
Karkat snorts bitterly. "This is stupid."

  
"Everything's stupid, bro. That's just how life is. You know, c'est la fucking vie."

  
"La fucking vie."

  
Karkat's smirking as if he actually said something clever, and you huff and roll your eyes. Not that he can tell under your shades.

  
You have a feeling he knows, though.

  
The tapping grows louder and less frantic until it takes on the stea

dy beat of someone just casually strolling down the corridor towards the both of you. You and Karkat both know better though and you turn to get a good look at this girl you went to great lengths to chat up.  
You're not at all sure what you were expecting, but you definitely didn't expect her to look like a fucking model. She stands about as tall as you do, but wears the height without the gangly awkwardness you do, all soft curves and tranquil grace. If she isn't the image of feminine charm you aren't sure what is.

  
It's somehow vaguely intimidating.

  
Luckily she isn't even looking at you or acknowledging that you are even there. Her eyes are on Karkat, who was staring, wide eyed, right back at her. It's the most tense and emotionally charged staring contest you have ever borne witness to. You wonder who'll break first.

  
Turns out it's Karkat.

  
"Um..." he says thickly, breaking eye contact so he can go back to staring at his lap. "Shouldn't you be in class?"

  
Then she moves, and it's not the soft glide you were expecting with her floor length skirt barely skimming the linoleum. No, she full on bolts the five feet between them and falls into the chair next to him, placing one of her well manicured hands on top of his own.

  
"I'd rather be here with you."

  
Jesus, that is...that is some potent pale pining sap there. You didn't even know a lot about troll relationship boxes and even you could tell she has it bad. How dare she think she's hiding it well. Or at all.

  
"Wow." Karkat replies, his eyes on their hands. She's rubbing little circles onto the back of his hand and he just seems stunned by this development. "Th-thanks, Kanaya. But really, you should be in class. I'm fine."

  
"It was a study hall." You interject before Kanaya can say anything.

  
They both turn to look at you, and it's clear from both of their expressions that they forgot you were there. You wink at Kanaya.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TG: no worries i got your back bro or should i say sis  
TG: you get your pale flirt on  
TG: pretend im not here i know thats what ill be doing

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

Kanaya's phone dings just as you put yours away, and you smile thinly at her as you watch her face go jade in front of you. She swallows and regains her composure as the blush fades.

  
"Dave is right, it was in fact a study hall." She smiles. "So I have nowhere to be at this moment."

  
Karkat shrugs, feigning disinterest in her presence. God, these two are terrible at concealing their emotions. "Alright, if you insist."

  
He readjusts so he's sitting crosslegged on the chair, which doesn't look like a comfortable position at all, but who are you to judge. You're barely in your seat yourself.

  
Kanaya shifts her position to accommodate for Karkat's, and she takes that moment to pull the patented yawn stretch so her arm is around his shoulders. Damn, that move was as smooth as a gravel road. Karkat doesn't seem to mind though, in fact you're pretty sure you see him lean into it a little.

  
Jade was right, they are fucking cute together.

  
"So," Kanaya begins, clearing her throat, "I heard you broke up with Gamzee."

  
"Yeah." Karkat glares daggers at you, clearly still bitter about it. "Gamzee broke up with me."

  
"Do...you want to talk about it?"

  
He's not looking at you anymore, in fact he's turned completely away from you. "You know what? Yeah, yeah I do."

  
Kanaya nods knowingly and settles in for what appears to be a long story, or at least a longer explanation than what you were given. She knows both parties, so that only makes sense to you. You put in your earbuds and listen to some music so the two can have something that resembles privacy during their little feelings jam outside the principal's office.

  
Four songs later and you figure that's probably enough time. You remove one earbud tentatively to test out the auricular waters.

  
"...then he slapped me and told me that I wasn't down with the clown enough for him and it was a motherfucking miracle he saw the light before I messed up his thinkpan too much. Then he kicked me out and said we were through." Karkat shrugs.

  
You see the fury burning in Kanaya's eyes for a second, but the flame is quickly extinguished. Her voice is surprisingly calm when she speaks next. "He slapped you."

  
"Well yes, but I should have seen it coming. That was my own fault."

  
"No, fuck that." Kanaya snaps, standing up. "I'm going clown hunting."

  
The notion seems ridiculous to you, but Karkat takes it at face value. He gets up and grabs her arm to hold her back. "Kanaya, don't! It's fine, I'm fine, this is nothing to kill him over! He's done worse-"

  
"He's done worse?" She's rounding on him, and the fire you saw before is back and burning in plain view. Karkat shrinks a bit.

  
"Not to me, I meant in general. Like a couple years ago when he put Nepeta and Equius in the hospital. Remember? You didn't want to kill him then."

  
Kanaya turns her head and sneers bitterly at the memory. "No, I did. You stopped me. That was right before you started your moiralliegance with him."

  
"Oh, right." He awkwardly replies. "Well, I still think we should leave him alone. There's been enough meaningless bloodshed in our lives already."

  
You want to ask what he means by that, but you hold your tongue. You assume the answer probably involves something like gang shenanigans.

  
With a sigh, Kanaya Maryam gives in and sits back down. "I suppose you're right. I just wish you could have let me at least maim him a little. It's too bad this school doesn't allow the use of my chainsaw."

  
Wait, what the fuck?

  
"Kanaya," Karkat replies, apparently unphased about the chainsaw comment, "he doesn't even go here."

  
The door begins to squeak open, and Karkat shoos Kanaya away so she didn't get in trouble for technically skipping class. Not that you think she would, but you never know. Kanaya scurries down the hallway the direction she had come, a black and red blur as the door is pulled all the way open.

  
The principal, a short carapacian wearing some weird robe thing (you could never understand carapace fashion) and the kindest eyes you've ever seen, pops his head out and beckons you both inside. His office, which you've seen the inside of once or twice before, is gray and kind of dull save for a scale model of new can town on his desk. There's also a tall lady standing by his desk and looking at it, then at the both of you as you enter. She looks strikingly familiar, but you're not sure why.

  
She waves balefully at you and then slips away out the door. Then it hits you.

  
"Oh hey, that was my mail lady."

  
"That's my fiance." Chimes in the principal as he slips behind his desk.

  
"Congratulations." Karkat mumbles, and you're fairly certain he's sincere.

  
"Thank you!" He gestures to the chairs in front of his desk. "Sit please."

  
You're tired of sitting, but you do it anyway. Karkat does so, too. The principal folds his hands in front of him, fingers brushing the little metal model. You can see your house from here.

  
You almost laugh.

  
"Would either of you boys care to explain to me what happened?" He asks pleasantly.

  
You feel at ease, but then you feel tense because you feel like ease isn't something you should be feeling at a moment like this.

  
You and Karkat both look at each other, waiting for the other to issue a response.

  
"It was my fault I started it I'm sorry-"

  
"It just sort of happened and it was kind of sort of my fault who am I kidding I am totally one hundred percent to blame for the shit-sorry I meant stuff..."

  
He holds up his hands and waves them at the both of you to stop rambling. You both manage to trail off to something resembling an end of a sentence.

  
"Listen carefully, boys. Whatever the problem was, did you get it all sorted out while you were in the hall?"

  
Is that why you were left there so long? To talk it out or some shit?

  
You nod.

  
"Good, I'm glad."

  
He waves the both of you off, and you think that may be the end of it. You sigh in relief and get up to go to class, Karkat close behind you.

  
"Oh, right, before I forget." He says, clapping his little hands as his memory is jogged.

  
You and Karkat both turn around, and you raise an eyebrow. "Yes?"

  
"You're both suspended."

  
Fuck you with a rusty spoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like Jade and Kanaya, but that doesn't mean I know how to write them.  
> Well, I tried.


	5. Chapter 5

"I've...never been suspended before." Karkat says dazedly from his seat beside you.

  
"Yeah, me neither."

  
The both of you are sitting outside the school now, by the front doors. Your parents were called to come get you, since you rode with your brother and sisters and Karkat usually took the bus. You're glad the principal called them so you didn't have to break the news to your dad yourself.

  
Karkat groans and rubs at his face with his hands. "My mom's going to kill me."

  
Huh. You would have guessed his father.

  
"And then I'm gonna have to spend part of eternity with a bunch of dead assholes until Jack resurrects me from the dead. Then he'll kill me."

  
"Who the fuck's Jack?"

  
"My adoptive father."

  
"Oh." See, there you go.

  
You're sitting there in silence for a few minutes before you realize you left all of your stuff in your locker. It's not like you can go in and get it, the doors are locked from the outside. You'd have to be buzzed in or something to get the door unlocked.

  
You'll have to bug Rose about it later, you guess. Great.

  
"Hey, you ever notice the amount of carapaces in positions of authority?" You say without warning. "What the fuck's up with that?"

  
Karkat looks at you with an agitated expression on his face, clearly unamused. Whatever, you're getting used to him looking like that. "What the fuck are you babbling about, you limpid shit?"

  
"The carapaces, dude! Okay, check it. So, you're family's a bunch of carapace gangsters, right?"

  
He doesn't seem to like where you're going with this. "...right?"

  
"And there's a bunch of carapace cops-well, not in comparison to the amount of human cops, but when you contrast it with troll cops then yeah, there's a fuck ton. Plus the principal's a carapace, and granted that's only authority over a bunch of rowdy teenagers, but still-"

  
"He's also the mayor." Karkat interrupts.

  
"Wait, what."

  
"The principal." He explains. "He's also the mayor."

  
"Hm." You slump against the wall. "Well, shit, the more you know."

  
All's quiet between you two after that, neither of you have anything to say to each other. Maybe you should take this time to get all your shit together.

turntechGodhead [TG] created a new memo board 'too cool for school'

TG: yo so heres the deal  
TG: i got kicked out of school for being way too rad for this shithole  
TG: so ill just be striking out on my own from here hitting the club scene with my sick beats and making money like i work at the fucking mint  
TG: gonna make it rain all up in this bitch  
TG: a fucking hailstorm of quarters bouncing around clinking on the roof and damaging cars and shit  
TG: so anyway while im busy doing that i need somebody to play secretary for me and get all of my homework and take notes for me so i dont fall behind too bad  
TG: that way i can be good looking funny *and* smart  
TG: look out here comes dave strider the entire fucking package  
TG: not to mention his fucking package, amirite

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo

TT: Not to mention his sister, whom he sent the memo about his "fucking package" to.  
TT: In the words of one Dave Strider: amirite?  
TG: okay that is blatant plagiarism youre barely hiding it with your stupid question mark  
TG: it clearly wasnt a question because we both know im right  
TG: but seriously you going to help me out or nah  
TT: Oh, Dave, you know I will. However I would like an explanation as to why you can't do it yourself? Or rather, an explanation on why your new troll friend tried to beat the shit out of you.  
TG: thats for me to know and you to shut the fuck up  
TT: Tsk, tsk. Is that any way to talk to your therapist?  
TG: youre not my therapist  
TT: My handle suggests otherwise.  
TG: rose thats a stretch and you know it thats even stretchier than a ballerina with rubber bones during the seventh inning stretch

gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo

GG: that's pretty stretchy!  
TG: fuck yeah it is  
TG: so anyway jade are you in or are you in  
GG: well, given my options i guess i'm in! :)  
GG: on one condition.  
TG: what name it jade whatever you want you beautiful jungle girl you  
GG: you have to tell me what happened after i gave you you-know-who's handle.  
TG: fuck no id rather repeat the year  
TT: I wasn't aware the dark lord had a pesterchum account. Interesting.  
TG: no you wizardy dork were not talking about harry potter again

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] responded to memo

TG: no lets talk about harry potter agan  
TG: *again  
TG: theres always time for good old hp  
TG: were having a harry potter movie marathon when we get home  
TG: dammit roxy cant you wait til the weekend like when im not home  
TG: anyways jade its not exactly my information to give out  
GG: that didn't stop you from giving out information earlier. you know, when i helped you out?

timaeusTestified [TT] responded to memo

TT: Do you really think you're not getting grounded for that shit?  
TG: what shit there is no shit  
TT: Don't play dumb, Dave.  
TT: Yes, it's quite unbecoming on you, Dave. We all know you're not as stupid as you pretend to be.  
TG: i dont know maybe i am you dont know me you dont know my life  
TT: I'm talking about the fucking hall brawl where you and that troll just went at it. And by it I mean busting each other's faces up.  
TT: Though if you guys also did something else with each other's faces then that's fine I won't judge. This is a judgement free zone, bro. You do you. If you doing you also includes doing a troll, then so be it, man, free country.  
TG: dude youre the gayest person i know of course youre not going to judge me i know that but thanks for the support anyway bro  
TG: also why does everybody keep referring to it as the "hall brawl" that is so lame  
TG: wait a minute i thought only death eaters referred to he-who-must-not be-nemed  
TG: *mamed  
TG: *memed  
TG: *fuck it whatever what the fucks wrong with my keyboard  
TG: as the dark lord  
TT: Are you suggesting I'm a death eater, Roxy?  
TG: im just saying if the shoe fits  
TG: you fucking wear that shit  
TG: holy fuck you guys stop no one here eats death no matter how delicious it is its not part of a balanced breakfast  
TG: i dont know about that dave how do you know for sure i mean did you ask GC  
TG: when would i have time to ask that  
TG: why would i ask that  
TG: i dont even like harry potter  
TG: thats cuz ur a fucking muggle  
TT: Okay, well this got out of hand pretty quickly. I'd love to stay and watch this pear shaped train wreck, but I gotta go because unlike one of my sibs I actually have classes to get to.  
TT: Strider out.

timeausTestified [TT] ceased responding to memo

TG: okay sweet so its just me and you bitches  
TG: shit i just realized there are only girls responding now that was supposed to be a generic insult and not anything directed at your gender specifically  
TG: yo jade my favorite space cadet i see you havent left yet whats with the lack of response my main galpal  
TG: hey  
TT: I take offense to that.  
TG: i meant whos not also my sister gog damn a guy cant catch a break  
GG: i'm not responding anymore until you spill what happened after you offered yourself up like a pale prostitute holding up a sign saying "free hugs"!  
TG: dammit harley none of your business  
TG: look you got demoted to last name status are you happy now  
GG: >:I  
TT: Excuse me, Dave, you offered yourself up like a pale prostitute holding up a sign saying "free hugs"?  
TT: Why was I not informed of this? I was under the impression you didn't "do" quadrants.  
TG: dave what the fuck who are you trying to non-sexually seduce  
TG: anyone we know *wink wonk  
TG: god dammit you know what im not even fixing that  
TG: no one it was accidental i dont want to talk about it anymore ever just ask jade she has the deets  
GG: actually, i only have half the deets! and i'm not giving them out until you give up the rest of them.  
TG: jade youre horrible  
TT: Could you please spill these deets, dear brother? I would love to hear about your exploits in the wonderful world of xenophilia. I am already learning so many new things about you today. For instance the fact that you seem to have no problem with blackrom and have a potential kismesis in the works. Not to mention this new mystery troll you seem to enjoy shooshpapping.  
TG: dammit jade what did you tell her you just got done saying you werent spilling things  
GG: i didn't say anything!  
TG: then what the fuck  
TG: spooky death eater shenanigans  
TT: Yes, I suppose that's accurate.

ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo

EB: um hey, i don't know what's going on but i got your back on the class work, dave!  
TG: fuck john thank you youre a godsend youre the best bro ive ever had and thats including my actual bro i fucking love you man  
TT: Now, now, Dave, a memo isn't the best place to go confessing emotions like that.  
TT: That's what my couch is for.  
TG: yeah dave what if your new troll luvvah read it  
TG: what no fuck you guys hes not my lover and i have no emotions to confess john help me out here dude  
EB: okay i just read the whole memo and i gotta say i agree with the girls on this one! you should probably tell them or you're only gonna have notes for biology and maybe doodles from math class :B

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased responding to memo

TT: And that's why John is our leader.  
TG: friends dont have leaders rose theyre just friends  
TG: dammit i just wanted to be a good student and get my fucking homework for the week so i dont fall behind or something lord knows i need all the help i can get since everyones a goddamn genius or something  
TG: plus even if i wanted to spill any sort of relationship beans i cant right now because guess what the troll in question is right fucking here next to me and could read over my shoulder if he wanted to

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo

CG: OR I COULD JUST OPEN THE FUCKING MEMO, ASSHAT.  
TG: whoa wait what the hell karkat how did you get on here and why didnt you just tell me that youre literally right here  
CG: DON'T FLICK MY NOSE YOU GOD DAMN BULGE BLOSSOM.  
TG: lol whats happening here  
TT: This is a public memo, Dave, I'm surprised you didn't know that.  
GG: hi karkat, we were just talking about you :D  
CG: YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT! WHAT THE SHIT YOU GUYS, WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY POSTURE POLE YOU DAMN WASTE CHUTE MOUTHED GABMASTERS.  
GG: i can see where you're coming from there, but honestly you sound like a douche right now. :/  
CG: SORRY THIS IS JUST AN EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE TOPIC FOR ME WHEN IT'S EVEN TALKED ABOUT OUT LOUD, NOT TO MENTION TYPED UP BY OTHER PEOPLE WHO AREN'T INVOLVED AND WITHOUT MY CONSENT SO I'M JUST LEFT STARING AT THE ASSHOLE RAINBOW BRIGADE DISCUSSING MY PERSONAL FUCKING LIFE!  
CG: OR SHOULD I SAY *RUMORED* PERSONAL LIFE, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ONE.  
CG: THANKS A LOT, STRIDER.  
TG: rainbow asshole brigade is our new group name im calling it that's what we are now thats us  
TG: also karkat what the shit i thought we were past that weve been over this  
CG: THIS SHIT HAPPENED LITERALLY LESS THAN FORTY-EIGHT HOURS AGO, I THINK I'M ENTITLED TO BE A LITTLE FUCKING BITTER.  
TG: a little dude youre as bitter as espresso  
TT: Ah, so the fight was about something personal between the two of you.  
GG: yes!  
TG: no  
CG: MIND YOUR OWN BULGE BLOWING BUSINESS.  
TG: okay maybe a little

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo

GA: It Appears I Am Interrupting Something Is This A Bad Time  
TG: nope its all good welcome to the board what brings you to this neck of the woods other than my rugged good looks and all the upright wood  
TG: i mean trees  
TG: that slip was intentional lalonde dont even pretend to think otherwise i know you love telling everyone how gay i am and how much i love the dong  
TG: to which i say where is your proof lalonde hm  
TG: where the fuck is it  
TG: you know sometimes a cigar can just be a cigar it doesnt always have to be a dick  
CG: I HAVE FOUR DOLLARS AND THIRTEEN CENTS WORTH OF PROOF THAT DAVE STRIDER LOVES DONG, IF ANYONE'S INTERESTED.  
TG: karkat no those penises were for you friend to commemorate our first meeting plus i already payed you the damages what more do you want  
CG: STRIDER HUSH I'M WORKING THE CROWD.  
GG: i'll give you five dollars for that inappropriate strider dick pic and the other half of that story! :)  
TG: dammit jade no  
TT: This is an intriguing proposal. May I also hear the rest of the tale?  
TG: hell fucking no  
CG: HELL FUCKING YES! WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN EXCHANGE?  
TT: I have two dollars on me currently, and my knitting needles and a ball of yarn. Perhaps a well crafted scarf will sway you towards my favor?  
CG: IF YOU REALLY WANT TO EARN MY FAVOR YOU BETTER KNIT ME A GOD DAMN SWEATER.  
TT: Done.  
GA: As Someone Who Was Present During The Latter Half Of Events  
GA: For Which I Can Only Assume Means My Being Dual Pestered In Class  
TG: it was a study hall  
GA: I Dont Feel Comfortable Releasing Such Personal Information With Near Complete Strangers Karkat  
CG: NO, I UNDERSTAND. I'M NOT ACTUALLY COMFORTABLE EITHER, GIVEN THE SITUATION. I WAS PROBABLY JUST GOING TO MAKE SOMETHING UP OFF THE TOP OF MY GLORIOUSLY  ROTTING PAN TO PLACATE JADE WITH.  
GG: karkat i take offense to that!  
CG: WHO GIVES A FUCK?  
TG: jesus now im offended  
GA: Seeing As You Most Likely Will Be On Your Way Home Shortly I Was Wondering If You Wanted Me To Pick Up Your Course Work For You I Am Fairly Certain That Was The Reason Behind The Creation Of This Board But I Am Begining To Suspect It Is Actually A Front For Relationship Gossip However My Offer Still Stands  
CG: YES, KANAYA IF YOU WOULD DO THAT I'D ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING APPRECIATE IT. I WAS GOING TO PESTER YOU DURING LUNCH TO ASK ABOUT THAT SO I WOULDN'T DISTRACT YOU FROM ANY OF YOUR CLASSES. THANK YOU, KANAYA, YOU ARE THE LEAST FUCKING AWFUL OF OUR FRIENDS.  
GA: I Always Strive To Be The Least Fucking Awful Thank You Karkat  
CG: DON'T MENTION IT. SERIOUSLY, IF WORD GETS OUT I ACTUALLY HAVE A MUSHY BLOODPUSHER CAPABLE OF COMPLIMENTING ANOTHER BEING I'LL NEVER LIVE IT DOWN.  
GA: I Wouldnt Dream Of It Do You Want Me To Bring It To Your Residence After School  
CG: ISN'T THAT KIND OF OUT OF THE WAY FOR YOU, THOUGH? I DON'T KNOW IF YOU RECALL, BUT YOU LIVE IN LITTLE ALTERNIA, KANAYA.  
GA: Yes I Am Aware I Can Swing By After School Though Im Not Doing Anything Today Ill Just Have To Explain It To My Lusus  
CG: WELL, IF YOU INSIST ON SPENDING MORE TIME WITH ME THAN NECESSARY, WHICH I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU OR ANYONE ELSE EVER WOULD, THEN HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY NO?  
CG: LIKE THIS, NO.  
CG: BUT I MEAN YES, GO FOR IT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER TONIGHT.  
GA: Yes Tonight It Is Its A Date

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased responding to memo

GG: karkat, you and kanaya are going on a date? :O  
CG: IT'S NOT A DATE.  
TT: I hate to tell you this, Karkat, but the above text begs to differ.  
CG: IT'S NOT A DATE. NOTHING IS GOING ON. SHE'S JUST COMING OVER. THAT'S IT. THE FUCKING END. FADE TO BLACK.  
TG: no dont fade to black fade back in i wanna hear more!   
GG: yes more would be nice! tell me all about the romcom that has become your life!  
GG: but seriously karkat, are you and kanaya palemates now? that's so cute!  
CG: WE'RE NOT, AND IT'S NOT. STOP ASSUMING THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE.  
TG: i dont know karkat it seems like the cats out of the bag now you guys did look pretty pale when you were jamming by the principals office and i gotta say i agree with jade that shit was fucking precious  
CG: FUCK YOU, YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW QUADRANTS WORK! THAT WAS THE MOST PLATONIC NON-QUADRANT DISCUSSION THAT EVER OCCURRED.  
TG: oh my god you are so red right now thats hilarious and totally proves all my suspicions  
TG: whos the pale slut now karkat  
TG: whos  
TG: the  
TG: pale  
TG: slut  
TG: now  
CG: STILL YOU, ALWAYS YOU. I'M NOT THE ONE GOING AROUND PAPPING NEAR STRANGERS WITH MY GROSS SWEATY PALMS. SPEAKING OF WHICH, YOUR HANDS ARE ALMOST AS SWEATY AS EQUIUS WHEN EXAMINING THE GENITALIA OF A PARTICULARLY LARGE AND VEINY HOOFBEAST.  
TG: okay that was gross dont ever compare me to equius again  
CG: FUCK YOU, I DO WHAT I WANT.  
CG: MY RIDE'S HERE.  
TG: karkat dont lie to everyone no ones here youre better than that  
TG: oh wait shit theres a car pulling up fuck me  
CG: NOT EVEN IF YOU PAID ME.  
CG: LATER, DOUCHEFUCKS.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased responding to memo

TG: this isnt over im just getting off for now remember im suspended so i can pester you all day if i want to youve been warned

turntechGodhead [TG] closed memo

Karkat is getting up and brushing invisible dirt from his pants when you put your phone away. He shoots you a look that you're learning to interpret as just his default expression, and you give him a little wave before he heads off.

  
A little ways away from the both of you is a black towncar, sidling by the curb. A giant of a carapace steps out and stands beside it, glaring at nothing in particular. Karkat sighs and hunches his shoulders, stomping over as slowly as you've ever seen anyone stomp before just to draw out how long the car and the big guy have to sit there. At least, you assume that's what he's doing. You don't know, otherwise.

  
You lick your lip without thinking and are assaulted by the taste of copper.

  
Oh, right. You two never did clean yourselves up, did you?

TG: hey karkat you should probably wipe that blood off your face  
TG: you big disgrace  
TG: before you get over to that carapace see what i did there of course you do you probably love queen but then again who doesn't  
TG: freddie mercurys the man im not even kidding i have so many feelings about him and bohemian rhapsody i know everyones always on about that song but thats because it actually is the shit  
TG: also you owe me for what you did to my shirt you defiled my precious precious shirt with your nasty troll claws you assface  
TG: but no seriously deal with the blood dude that was all see you around

You watch Karkat stop to check his phone, a hand rising slowly to meet his blood smeared face. Apparently he'd forgotten about it just like you had. He rubs his face with the sleeves of his sweater and turns back to you momentarily with a small nod and a casual wave of his hand before he jogs the last few feet to the car and disappears inside.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being sort of sadder than intended, so be warned. Other than that, buckle up for a Terezi-heavy chapter, I guess.

You get to wait another ten glorious minutes before your dad arrives to pick you up in the squad car. You are so, so thankful that Karkat left first. Him seeing your father like this would have wrecked both of your chances.

  
You try to climb into the front seat, but your dad glares at you and directs you to the back. Okay, that's fair, you guess. You did get him called in to come get you halfway through his workday. He doesn't talk to you the entire drive back to your apartment in Can Town, only really acknowledging your presence when he has to get out of the car and open the door for you.

  
You exit the vehicle just as your father reenters with a quick "We'll talk about this when I get home."

  
The tires squeal as he drives off. You still think it's funny that your father, the most uptight cop in paradox space, drives like he's a drag racer in The Fast and the Furious.

  
You enter the building and dart up the stairs to the top floor. You're not proud of yourself for getting suspended, but you're still happy to be back home.

  
But before you can even open the door to your apartment, your next door neighbor pops her head out.

  
"I thought I smelled a coolkid!" Terezi cackles, stepping all the way out of her apartment. "I could smell the delicious cherry from here."

  
"Yo, Pyrope." You lean against your apartment door and can't help but smile at her. "What up?"

  
Terezi raises her cane and stretches until she can poke the ceiling above your heads. "That, thank fuck."

  
"Good observation. Almost thought you could see for a minute, there. Very astute."

  
She hits you on the head with her cane as she lowers it back to the floor. It's not a hard hit, you know she could do some serious damage with that thing if she felt like it, but it still smarts. You rub the sore part.

  
"Dammit, TZ, why you gotta go hurting an injured man like that? I'm already bleeding! I don't need this shit."

  
She gives you a quizzical look, turning that wide, sharp mouth of hers into something resembling a question mark. You never understood how she did that.

  
She tilts her head a bit and sniffs the air close to you like a dog would before coming up and giving your face an experimental lick.

  
Terezi has been your neighbor and friend since you were six, you're used to her weird habits like her roleplaying and her obsession with justice and her face licking and chalk eating. That doesn't mean you don't think they're weird or just downright gross, though.

  
You would never tell her this, it would only encourage her.

  
"Hm. You are bleeding, Dave."

  
"Yeah, no shit, troll Sherlock."

  
You get a whap in the side for that one. You take it like a man and don't even yelp or anything. Terezi laughs at you.

  
"Seriously, what happened?" She asks, face suddenly gravely serious. There's a darkness behind that sharp toothed grin that kind of freaks you out a little. Just another thing you'd never tell her. "Is there anyone you want me to file a suit against?"

  
You knew Terezi well enough to know that "filing a suit" against someone was troll legalese for "break their legs" or something like that.

  
"No, I'm good on the suit front, thanks." You're quick to reply. "There was equal damage done to both parties. Except for my shirt, I think it's traumatized beyond repair. Little guy will never recover from this."

  
"That's too bad. I liked that shirt on you, coolkid. It looked good on you."

  
"How would you know? You can't see it." You point out. Not that that's ever stopped her from making plenty of observations that, in most cases, would require sight.

  
"It's got red on it, what more do I need to know?" She shrugs. "So, tell me more about this whole injury thing, since you refuse to grace my courtblock with your case."

  
"Terezi, your courtblock is your kitchen table."

  
"Your point being?"

  
"Nothing, I guess. Never mind."

  
"Okay, then. Injury explanation, go!"  
"Seriously, this isn't even a thing you're gonna want to hear about."

  
"You don't know what I don't want to hear about! Now tell me!" She's prodding you in the face with her cane now, and that makes you want to do the opposite of tell her. However, you also want her to stop doing that, and it seems like the only way that's going to happen is if you do tell her.

  
"It was a fight with this new troll kid I met." You begin. Terezi stops poking you. Thank god. You're pretty sure you're going to have a weird bruise on your cheek.

  
"Oooh. Who instigated? You or the other guy?"

  
"Who said it was a guy?"

  
"Please, Dave." She scoffs. "If it were a female, you wouldn't be standing."

  
"You saying I can't take a girl?"

  
"Yes."

  
"Okay, cool, just making sure we were on the same page. Now anyway, the other dude instigated, but I'm partially to blame, not gonna lie."

  
Terezi raises her eyebrows at you. "Dave, what did you do?"

  
"You know your guys's quadrant thing that I don't understand?"

  
She knows this very well. The very little you actually knew for sure about quadrants, you learned from her. "Yes."

  
"I helped break up him and his platonic boyfriend."

  
She tilts her head. "You broke him up with his moirail? What the fuck? How?"

  
You shrug. "Some not great advice."

  
"Fuck, Dave, if you'd broken me up with Vriska I would have murdered you where you stand."

  
"But you would have regretted it afterwards."

  
"Well, duh. That goes without saying. I still would kill you, though. How did you escape alive and mostly unharmed?"

  
"Well, it was at school, so." You shrug.

  
"Ah. That explains why you're back, then. Were you removed from your human school?"

  
"It's not a human school, there are troll and carapace students, too." It's the truth, but a vast majority of the students _are_ human, there's no denying that. "You should seriously talk to your guardian again about going. You'd love it there, I'm sure you'd be fine."

  
Terezi's guardian had issues about her going to a public school, given her disability. If you didn't know Terezi personally, you'd find this reasonable, but since you did know her for the strong and independent troll she is, you mostly just found it ridiculous that she still had Terezi use the troll schoolfeed.

  
She would function better in a public school, you were sure of it.

  
You were less sure if the teachers would be cool with her licking everything.

  
"I know, I'd love to actually meet Nepeta and some of the others in person! But she won't let me leave the apartment without supervision. You know how she is." Terezi sighs, resigning herself to her fate.

  
You nod. "Yeah, I get it. Hey, I'm suspended all week, wanna come chill at my place later on?"

  
"Why, Dave," She tuts, leaning over her cane and lowering her glasses to look suggestively at you with those big, sightless red eyes. "are you propositioning me?"

  
You know she's only joking, but still. "Fuck no, why does every troll seem to think I'm flirting with them today?"

  
Instead of being offended by you snapping at her over a little fun, she cackles. "This already happened today? Fuck, you gotta tell me all about that! Tell me right now, I can't wait to hear about the suggestive exploits of one Coolkid Strider!"

  
You shake your head but then remember she can't see it. "No. Not right now, maybe later over pesterchum or something. I gotta shower first."

  
"Oh, come on! You don't! Come on, stay here and talk to me!"

  
"Rez, I can't. I gotta wash off some of this blood."

  
"Just let me lick it off."

  
"Heh. Gross. Now who's propositioning whom?"

  
"It's not just a proposition if you know I'm good for it." She tilts her glasses again and waggles her eyebrows at you.

  
"Okay, I'm gonna go inside now, see you around, Terezi."

  
"Sure thing, smell you later."

  
She waves goodbye to you, and you wave back as you close the door. You only recall for the second time in as many minutes that she can't see you doing that. What the fuck's wrong with you?

  
Whatever, you guess.

  
You start taking off your shirt on the way to the bathroom, which is the first door on the right down the only hall. Your apartment is kind of big, but feels pretty cramped when all five of you plus the cat and your friends/your brother's boyfriend/whatever stray cats Roxy smuggled in are all there at once. The place has three bedrooms, you share a room with Dirk, Rose and Roxy share the adjoining room, and your father has his own private room. Part of you wishes you had your own room, but most of the time you're cool with sharing such limited space. It feels more home-y.

  
You almost trip over Jaspers the cat when you reach the bathroom while pulling your shirt over your head. God damn it, cat! You're gonna have to get him a bell.

  
You glare down at the cat, who just looks back up at you and meows pleasantly, rubbing against your leg.

  
You sigh and bend down to scratch his head quickly before closing the bathroom door on him. You don't think of yourself as a cat person, but you can't help it every time you see Jaspers.

  
Why did he have to be so friendly?

  
You stop thinking about it when you catch your reflection in the mirror.

  
Your face doesn't look too bad, all things considered. Your lip is cut and swollen, and there's some slight swelling on your forehead from where Karkat headbutted you, but that's about it for damage to your moneymaker.

  
You turn so you can see your back and let out a little hiss between your teeth as you survey the damage.

  
It looks...not great.

  
Now that you think about it, though, it didn't really hurt too much. It only stung a bit from the open air. You reach a hand at an awkward angle and cautiously touch the wound.

  
Okay, that hurt. Ow.

  
But honestly? It looked worse than it was. It may have stung like a bitch, but at the end of the day they were literal scratches. People sustained worse injuries during sex.

  
Now you were thinking about sex.

  
You shouldn't be thinking about sex.

  
You try to think about something else

.  
...that was your first real fight with a troll. That's cool. You'd kind of built it up in your head a little bit, though. You had it on good authority (Terezi) that trolls were vicious predators and made awesome fighters. You'd been informed you'd probably be dead before you even managed to land a single blow.

  
You'd gotten into your first fight with a troll, and it had been a draw.

  
Fuck yeah, you were cool.

  
You wondered if that was because of your own skill, or Karkat's lack thereof? Then again, he hadn't seemed too bad of a fighter (like you said, it was a draw) so maybe he just wasn't used to hand to hand combat? You have to remind yourself again that his dad runs the Midnight Crew, so he's probably used to letting a knife do all the talking for him.

  
The image of Karkat ready to stab someone is a little offputting.

  
No, he's probably more comfortable letting his books do all the talking. Or more like all the shutting people up while he ran his mouth.

  
The image of Karkat slapping the fuck out of those people while he scolded them makes you almost laugh.

  
Now you're just thinking about Karkat.

  
You...don't know how you feel about the guy, honestly. You know you have to get on his good side for your dad's sake, but other than that...

  
Your relationship literally spans all of two days, and it's been nothing but an awkward and inappropriate roller coaster.

  
You think about papping him in the face and getting yourself labeled as a pale slut by your friends.

  
You think about Karkat punching you in the face only ten minutes before that.

  
You think about that weird moment when you were both on your knees on the ground, and how he was kneeling a bit too close to you and how he'd growled almost in your mouth.

  
You think about what your definition of a kismesis was compared to what it currently is from the example given above.

  
You think about the fact that kismesis is a sex quadrant.

  
You think about sex with Karkat.

  
You stop thinking about sex with Karkat as soon as you realize you're thinking about it and opt for shower thoughts instead.

  
You just completed your own circle of stupidity. Good job, you.

  
You try to think about something else while in the shower, anything else to occupy your time under the spray.

  
Terezi's name had popped up in there at some point. You try to think about something interesting about Terezi and come up with too many topics.

  
You decide to focus on one that you never have any intention of talking to anyone else about, because it was Terezi's story to tell and not your own. But hey, it's not like you couldn't go over the details in your own head for the sake of retrospection, right?

  
She couldn't read minds, as far as you know.

  
No, no she couldn't.

  
Terezi has been blind for as long as you've known her, and for the first four years of your friendship it hadn't even occurred to you that that might not have always been the case. But when you were both nearing eleven, you finally did ask. Terezi wouldn't tell you at first, but eventually you wore her down out of sheer whining and childish persistence.

  
She told you she would only tell you once, and never again after that. You weren't allowed to ask about it again if you forgot any of her tale.

  
You agreed without question.

  
It's been five years and you haven't forgotten a single detail.

 

Terezi was blinded shortly before she met her current guardian and, consequently, you. But before that, she had complete and perfect vision, which she abused like literally every person who has all of their senses and doesn't think twice about it.

  
That was how she prefaced the story, you remember it exactly.

  
The story really began like this; Terezi had this friend.

Oh fuck, no story ends well if it begins with you 'had this friend'. You'd groaned, not taking the story seriously yet. You were expecting it to maybe be something like she hit her head accidentally falling down a friend's stairs or she ate some paint chips or something. She already ate chalk on a daily basis, so paint chips wasn't too much of a stretch.

  
At this point she told you to shut up before clearing the dust from the aforementioned chalk from her throat and continuing on.

So, she'd had this friend. He was about her age and lived in a hive not too far away from hers, so going over to play wasn't too hard. He humored her in both her courtroom and dragon play, which was awesome because he was usually either the victim or the guilty party in court. He didn't seem to mind, and in exchange she read to him. Though they were around the same age she was a year ahead of him in her schoolfeeding.

You asked why that mattered, and she told you that it was important for the story and that you should respect your elders and shut up. You shut up.

One day, the day before the incident, to be exact, the two of them had stumbled on a book on a park bench while out playing dragons. Yes, that's important, Dave, she thought you were shutting up. Okay, so the book. He found it, technically. When Terezi got over to the bench where he sat, with the book splayed open in his lap, she'd asked what his deal was. He said he kind of wanted to read the book, but he didn't know how. She decided to humor him, since his wriggling day was coming up and she still hadn't gotten him anything. They went back to his hive.

  
Now, here's the thing about the book. It was terrible. It was just...so, so bad. The two of you honestly hadn't expected it to be good, otherwise it wouldn't have been left on a park bench in Little Alternia in the middle of the night.

You almost asked what they were doing out in the middle of the night before you remembered that trolls were technically nocturnal and spent most of their early years like that before going diurnal like the other two civilized species they shared a planet with.

This book is the worst thing she's ever read, Terezi says. She burst out laughing three separate times, and her friend a total of five before they even really got to any of the sex. Once they did reach that part of the book, they made a game of finding how many time the author used the word "bulge" or a synonym, and how many times a character "moaned with unbridled pleasure". She forgot exactly where they'd landed on that game, because they both fell asleep mid play.

  
It was when they woke up in the middle of the day that everything went to shit.

  
She woke up alone and confused for a moment, coming to the conclusion that some loud noises from the hive's lower levels were the cause. She climbed down the stairs to see what all the fuss was about, head still cloudy with sleep.

  
That's when she saw something that made her sober up into wakefulness immediately.

  
There were drones in her friend's hive. Culling drones.

  
Her friend was standing all alone in the middle of his hive, swinging around a kitchen knife as if that would do any real damage. But who was she to talk? All she had was the book from earlier. She wondered briefly where his lusus had gone, only to see the carcass, pure white and bleeding, in the doorway. It made her feel sick.

  
The drones moved at her friend, but drones were slow and were calibrated to attack much bigger targets. Her friend was quick and small for his age. But he wasn't able to evade every blow the drones dealt, and eventually he was cut pretty badly.

She shows you where the cut would be on herself, sliding a finger from her chest down to where her bellybutton would be if trolls had those. You flinch at the thought of being sliced open like that.

Her friend went down on his knees, and it was seeing him bleeding and pretty much unable to fight back that sprang her into action. Terezi Pyrope, the fearless troll, threw her book at the drones and ran away, screaming, to the roof. Her clothes had gotten snagged on a few things on the way up, and she had some shallow cuts and probably some bruises, but that didn't matter.

  
The sun was high in the sky, and she could hear the drones behind her coming up the stairs. She was trapped unless she jumped off the roof, which seemed like not a very good idea at the moment and the fall would probably kill her. This, in retrospect, hadn't been her best decision.

  
She turned back to face the drones head on because even at three and a half sweeps Terezi refused to die with her back turned. She planned to fight with every last breath. And, as it turned out, her friend felt the same.

  
He had his arms full with his husktop and a kitchen knife, and to this day she wasn't sure what he'd been thinking when he'd gathered whatever for weaponry. She supposed, in the long run, it didn't matter what he'd been thinking. The drones were momentarily focused on her, but she was focused on him as she watched him set the husktop down gently and get a running start at one of the drone's backs. He jumped and climbed around on the drone until he found purchase and stabbed the thing right where the neck should have been. He'd managed to cut one of the main fuel lines, and the thing began to totter, seeming like it would fall off the roof and drag her friend with it to the ground. Though she admitted that would be one badass way to go, she refused to let that happen. She grabbed the drone and, with all the strength she could muster, changed the direction of the fall so the drone fell not off the roof, but on top of her.

  
She found herself completely paralyzed and pinned under the thing, bleeding profusely from puncture wounds where sharp metal met tender flesh. She couldn't move at all, was incapable of even moving her eyes from their current position, staring straight ahead. In the distance, she heard her friend fighting the other drone and most likely losing. She heard the sound of electricity sizzling as he used his husktop as a weapon and a shield simultaneously, blocking attacks and hitting the thing ineffectively. She wanted to help, but found herself unable to. She squirmed, or tried to, but remained crushed where she was. She was frustrated with herself, frustrated with this situation, so frustrated with herself that she hadn't even noticed what her gaze had been locked on for far too long. Not that there was anything she could do about it anyway, as she was incapable of moving her eyes. There was a piece of metal that dug into her forehead and kept her eyelids pinned up so she was incapable of blinkng, let alone shutting them.

  
For the first time in her life, Terezi considered the sun.

  
There was a white hot light that made her tear up.

  
Then there was no light. That made her tear up for a different reason.

  
Behind her there was a crash that shook the hive's foundations as the second drone inexplicably met the ground. She could hear her friend running over to her. Heard and felt him try to move the giant thing off of her, but couldn't. She felt his hand on her face as he wiped away tears and blood. She was crying and she'd bit her tongue on the way to crashing down. Not that that mattered anymore.

  
She could smell blood. Most of it she was sure was his.

  
She told him to run. He said he didn't want to leave her like this. She said that more were definitely on the way and he should go, just go before he got himself killed for being stupid. He promised to come back with help.

  
She heard him leave before she passed out, certain she was as good as dead.

  
Terezi woke up in a hospital, she recognized from the smell. She still couldn't see. She couldn't see at all after that.

  
She asked the doctors and nurses frequently about her friend. She had no memory of the rescue. Unfortunately, no one could tell her what became of him. Apparently, she had been dropped outside the emergency care unit's doors.

  
A few days later, she met her new guardian while recovering, Troll Protective Services had assigned her to Terezi after discovering her lusus was a fucking dragon egg and not an actual living creature. That was alright, though, she got to keep her lusus, and her guardian was a lawyer, which Terezi really liked.

But what happened to your friend? You asked.

  
Terezi's face, which had always seemed to be permanently smiling wider than should have been physically possible, was despondent, but still smiling. It was sad, and the sight made your chest hurt. "What do you think, Dave?" She looked at the wall and not at you, as if that did anything for her at all and wasn't so you didn't have to see the welling tears in her eyes. She laughed, but it was a bitter sound you weren't used to, and it was way too old and tired for an eleven year old. "He didn't make it. He's dead."

You just recalled the reason why you don't like to think about that too much. Great, now you're sad.

  
You step out of the shower and look at your back again. Yeah, not too bad. You'll just slap some band-aids on that bad boy, then get redressed and watch some tv to take your mind off of Terezi's depressing backstory.

  
During your channel surfing you stumble upon Jurassic Park. You leave it on and go to the kitchen to grab some aj to enjoy while you watch some dinosaurs chase around kids in the world's worst idea for a theme park.

  
While Jeff Goldblum is leading the T-rex away from the protagonists, it occurs to you that Terezi never told you what her friend's name was.

  
It probably doesn't matter.

Your dad arrives home about an hour after your siblings get back from school and Rose drops all of your work on the couch. You look through all the papers, there's handwriting from all over your friend group. She even got Aradia from your ancient civilizations class to take notes for you. Good sister. Best sister.

  
As for your father, he still wants to talk about this when he gets home. You're as vague as you can be while remaining completely honest. It was a troll. It was a one time thing. You wouldn't do it again, you promise. Yes, you did fight back. No, you weren't proud of yourself. You think it was self defense. Yes, you're aware that violence was never the answer.

  
You're grounded for a week.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a Karkat chapter that takes place at the same time as the last chapter.  
> This one came out feeling like domestic sort-of fluff, I think.
> 
> I also have no idea what I'm doing with Ms. Paint, and for that I apologize.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you're sore. You're sore in every fucking sense of the word, both physically and emotionally. It's been a pretty stressful couple of days for you, and you'd really prefer to not talk about it.

  
Except no, you did talk about it. A lot. With an almost complete stranger. After you'd punched him in the fucking mouth. So much for not talking.

  
You're not exactly sure what came over you. You weren't even angry when you got to school earlier that morning. You were kind of tired, definitely upset about your sudden break up, but that all made sense.

  
But then you saw him. That shades wearing asshole from the police station. The guy who assured you over disgustingly colored text that mirrored your vile blood color that everything would be fine if you just explained yourself to Gamzee. You're not even sure why you listened to him about that, he clearly knew nothing about quadrants. He was probably just messing with you. What a douche.

  
And who was the romance expert here?

  
You. You were.

  
The romance expert.

  
The _painfully single_ romance expert.

  
Fuck your life. And fuck this other guy, too.

  
You started over there with the intention of telling him to go fuck himself and maybe give him the finger if you felt like it, but somehow things just...things got away from you.

  
Things being your fist.

  
And away from you being his face.

  
As soon as it connected, everything just went black, and you weren't even sure what you were doing. You hadn't been in a skirmish like this since you were in first grade and Equius insulted Ms. Paint.

  
There was a nagging in the back of your mind when you'd taken off his shades about a possible kismesissitude. It definitely seemed possible.

  
Then there was the papping thing shortly after, and all thoughts of blackrom went straight out the window.

  
What a confusing clusterfuck that whole experience had been. You were so happy to see the car pull up so you wouldn't have to spend another minute with the insufferable prick. At first you had to stop yourself from running to the car, but when the gravity of what you had done finally sank in you had to force yourself to make your feet move forward.

  
Hearts Boxcars, who's real name you didn't know and probably never would, stood in front of the passenger side door, waiting for you to come closer before opening the door to the backseat for you. You'd never been happier to see him in your life, because at least he wasn't Jack.

  
You get in when he opens the door, grumbling to yourself about how you were perfectly capable of opening it your own god damn self, you weren't that helpless, fuck you very much, when a voice from the driver's seat makes you stop.

  
"Did you stab anyone today, kid?" Asks Jack, a bit brighter than usual. He's in a good mood today. You don't like it.

  
You frown. You're not sure what he heard, but from that you can guess it hadn't been good. "No, I didn't fucking stab anyone today! Where the fuck would I even get a knife? Why the shit would I even do that? I was at school! To learn things, not to go around shanking dumbasses willy-nilly as I trample down the hall. You do realize that stabbing's not a normal form of greeting, right? Not even in carapace culture, believe me, I checked."

  
"If you don't want to get stabbed, then don't sneak up on me, you fucking prick."

  
You're completely ready to retort, but there's a throbbing in your forehead from where your forehead met Dave's that says otherwise.

  
"Yeah, well-" ow. No, you're just gonna be done talking for now, you think. Your own voice isn't helping very much.

  
"What, got nothing to fucking say for once?" Jack continues unimpeded as he drives. "You must have finally learned how to shut up! Did they teach you that in your new fighting class? I can only assume that it was a class, or maybe even fucking fight club, because there's no way you would get into a fight at school, you're there to learn, not throw punches."

  
You want to respond, you really do, but on this you've got nothing. He called you out on being a hypocrite, and hypocrite you had been. You resign to crossing your arms in the back and glowering out the window.

  
You're so glad the windows are tinted.

  
The three of you are almost all the way home when he speaks again.

  
"They called your mom at the hospital." That gets your attention.

  
"Is she-"

  
"She didn't seem mad, if that's what you're getting at. She said she was disappointed, mostly." You flinch. You'd almost prefer her mad at you rather than disappointed. That almost stung as much as...well, as much as your face, you guess. "She also said to tell you that she'd look at your injuries when she got home, so don't even try to do anything with them until she gets back."

  
You nod even though no one's looking at you. Jack's driving and good old HB is trying so hard to look like he's not listening to the two of you that he actually succeeded in doing so and is staring vacantly out the window.

  
"Okay." You're not looking forward to when she comes back.

  
You get to your house in New Can Town, which was a bit of a misnomer, as most of the houses didn't actually resemble cans. Most of the apartment complexes did, though, you'd give them that. You get out of the car and shield your eyes from the sun. Your head hurts, and the light's not really helping.

  
"So," Jack gets out of the car, but doesn't start moving until you do, "whose clock did you bust up, anyway?"

  
"No one you know." You sigh, rubbing your face. "And the saying is clean your clock, not bust it. If you're going to use human idioms, use them correctly, asshole."

  
"That doesn't make sense. Besides, I hate clocks." He sneers.

  
That's true, there's not a single clock in your house. You only have your phone to rely on for the time.

  
"You don't have to tell me that humans make no sense." You snarl. "I'm well fucking aware."

  
You're both just standing on the doorstep now, waiting for Jack to unlock the door. He's smirking at you now as he digs through his pocket. "So it was a human."

  
You guess you could give him that much. "Yes."

  
"Looks like they got you pretty good." He taps the spot where his nose would be.

  
You move your hand to your nose, and-fuck, that's tender. And it's bleeding again. Damn it, blow you in the bulge. You hold your sleeve up to it, it's already growing a bit stiff from earlier.

  
Jack finally finds the keys and unlocks the door. You rush inside before he gets a chance to. You'd like to get your hands on some tissues or something so you can at least maybe salvage your poor sweater. It was one of your favorites. You'd put it on to make yourself feel a bit better about your current situation, but that had all been forgotten once you'd lain glance nuggets on Dave.

  
You consider making him pay for possible damage to your sweater if the blood doesn't come out, but then you recall what you did to his shirt and you decide you two are even on that front.

  
"Did you kick their ass?" Jack wonders behind you, closing the door and locking it again.

  
"It was a draw."

  
"I raised you better than that." He tsks.

  
"I didn't exactly have all the time in the world." You growl. "If I'd had more time I would have definitely destroyed him."

  
"Him." He repeats. "So John, then."

  
"What? Fuck no!" You shake your head. "What makes you say that?"

  
"You only know two humans, kid, and John is the only male."

  
"That is vicious slander, I know plenty of humans!" You say, even though you know what he said was pretty much accurate. Even though you go to a mostly human school, you really only do know two of them personally. You're not exactly the most social troll. "Okay, I don't. But it wasn't John. Like I said, it wasn't anyone you know."

  
He seems to accept this and disappears into a different room momentarily. Your phone buzzes in your pocket, and you wonder who the fuck is pestering you now. You hope it isn't Dave.

 

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist[CG]

EB: hey karkat! did you and dave work through whatever your issues were?  
EB: i really hope you did, it would be so cool if my best human friend and my best troll friend got along and were also friends.  
EB: speaking of dave, did he tell you about the plans for friday? we were all gonna get together and watch movies! did you see con air yet? i remember we talked about it one time awhile ago.  
EB: you can bring a movie too if you want! i know your taste is kinda sucky, but i think i can sit through one cheesy romcom if it means you'll come over!  
EB: see you then!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

You close your phone and stow it back in your pocket just as something comes flying at you from the next room and hits you in the shoulder with a thud.

  
"Ow! What the fuck?" You rub your shoulder and look down at the offending object.

  
It's a box of tissues.

  
Oh.

  
"Thanks, douchebag." You shout to the other room, picking up the box. Then, before you forget. "Kanaya's coming over later, by the way."

  
It's not a question, you already gave Kanaya the go ahead and Jack likes her, anyway. It occurs to you after you say it that your mom might actually be against her coming over for once. You wouldn't blame her for that. You should ask when she gets home.

  
You have time to think about that later, though. Right now you feel like just going back to bed.

  
It's one of those unfortunate days where you find yourself suddenly suffering a nasty bout of insomnia. You're tired after all the adrenaline and bleeding and whatever. It's still early in the day, and if it was the weekend you'd still be asleep. But today?

  
Today is a Monday, and you can't get back to sleep even though you're fucking exhausted. You have nothing better to do than think. You decide the safest thing to think about right now is probably whatever the fuck John was talking about.

  
Movie night. You'd been hearing about the legendary "Egbert/Harley movie night" for years now. Years. This was the first time you'd actually been invited to the stupid thing. If you were being honest, you were a little offended about not being invited before now, but you were also kind of excited. Not a lot excited, only kind of.

  
You can't believe he called your taste sucky, him, John Egbert, the guy who wrote you three pages about the intellectual merit of Ghostbusters.

  
Okay, you didn't mind Ghostbusters, but it was no 50 First Dates, that's for sure.

  
You know what, just for that, you were bringing not one, not two, but a total assload of god damn pan melting, pusher pounding, emotionally charged romcoms. As many as you could fit in your backpack. With your pajamas. And snacks. Lots of snacks.

  
Come to think of it, you weren't sure what kind of snacks John would even have. What if he was one of those weird people who didn't like popcorn?

  
You would have to bring a whole box. Not a bag. A whole box.

  
If Jane was there then there would probably be cake or some other baked good. Jane was good at baking, really good. You sort of hoped she would be there.

  
John wasn't very fond of cake, though, and Jane wasn't very fond of some of John's movie selections. She probably wouldn't be there. Which meant no cake.

  
Fuck that, you wanted cake. You were bringing a cake.

  
...no, probably not. You shouldn't bring a whole cake, that would be weird. Besides, you were already bringing popcorn, what more did they want from you?

  
You were calculating how many movies you could hypothetically fit in your bag along with snacks and other essentials when you finally did manage to drift off.

  
There's a soft knocking on the door that brings you back to waking. You feel like you only just drifted off, but the clock on your phone says you've been out for nine hours. You slept an entire Monday away. Nice.  
You get out of bed to answer the door when it creaks open without your permission. You don't really care and even if you did you're not really up for yelling at anyone right now. You were still kind of tired, and you'd managed to worry the cuts on your lip while you were asleep. Your mouth tasted like blood.

  
"Karkat? Are you awake?" Ms. Paint inquires softly as she enters, just in case you still are asleep. You really appreciate it right now, your head's beginning to pound with the makings of a headache, once again radiating from the swelling on your forehead.

  
"Yeah, I'm up." You sit back down on your bed while she goes for the light switch.

  
You resist the urge to hiss as the light hits your eyes. You hadn't realized just how dark it was.

  
Your mother is unaffected by the change in lighting, she's used to much brighter at the hospital. Judging from her scrubs, you guess she just returned from there. She takes the chair from your desk and rolls it over to your bed, sitting face to face with you.

  
"Come here, let me see." She gestures you towards her in a very professional way. You scoot yourself forward on the bed until your faces are practically touching.

  
She doesn't sound mad at you. If anything, she sounds indifferent. In your opinion, that's even worse. She's acting professional right now because she is a professional, but the moment your little check up is over she's going to stop the act and...

  
and you don't know. She's probably not going to yell, she wasn't the type. Maybe she'll sigh and say she expected better from you. That she was disappointed or something.

  
Then she'd close the door and not talk to you anymore.

  
Not like you didn't deserve it for upsetting her.

  
"Oh, honey, just look at your face!" She sighs, hands cupping your face. "You look terrible."

  
"You should've seen the other bastard." You mumble.

  
"Karkat."

  
"Sorry." You try not to swear in front of your mom, but it's really hard when that's literally half of your fucking vocabulary.

  
"Does this hurt?" She pokes your nose lightly and yes, yes that hurts. That hurts like a bitch on a stick.

  
You nod vigorously and cup your nose with one of your hands. You wonder if it bled more while you were asleep.

  
The stains on your pillowcase say yes.

  
"Here, tilt your head up for me, please." She guides your chin up with one hand while she removes a penlight from her pocket with the other. She shines it into your nose. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

  
"I got headbutted in the nose." You say, even though you know that's not what she meant.

  
"Well, lucky for you, it doesn't look too bad. Just some nasal trauma. Has it been bleeding a lot?"

  
You'd nod, but she's still peering into your nose. "On and off all day."

  
Her gaze slides over to your bedside table. "It seems like you're well stocked on tissues, so that's good. As for the actual blunt force trauma to your nose, I prescribe an icepack and some ibuprofen. Where else does it hurt?"

  
You indicate your forehead and the back of your head. It hadn't bled at all, but you'd slammed your skull pretty hard against the ground during the beginning of the fight and you weren't taking chances if you had a concussion. You told her as much.

  
"Karkat!" She scolds. "You shouldn't have gone to sleep without telling anyone if you thought you had a concussion! You know you're supposed to have someone wake you every few hours."

  
"Sorry, I was tired! It really didn't occur to me until now."

  
"You were tired." She repeats slowly. "Are you still tired?"

  
You shrug. "I guess. But I just woke up, so..."

  
"Headache? Nausea?"

  
You nod to the headache, shake your head to the nausea.

  
"Sensitivity to light?"

  
"I'm still technically nocturnal, so yes."

  
"Karkat."

  
"No more than usual."

  
"What about sound?"

  
"Yes, but I have a headache, so that makes sense."

  
"Are you feeling foggy or having difficulty concentrating?"

  
"I just woke up."

  
"Okay, we'll skip that. Irritability? Fatigue?"

  
"Now you're just describing me."

  
She sighs, clearly unamused. But hey, she's still talking to you, even though you're making her irritated and fatigued.

  
"Are you having trouble falling asleep?"

  
"Well, I was, but that's not exactly new."

  
"Sleeping more than usual?"

  
"Way more than usual."

  
"Well," she says, sighing and stretching her arms over her head, "it sounds like the jury is out on whether or not you actually have a concussion. I'll call the doctor and have him stop by as soon as possible for a real diagnosis. Now I'm going to get changed, but I'm coming right back here when I'm done, and I want a full explanation of what happened. The full scoop. Who, what, where, when, why. So don't you dare fall asleep on me."

  
"Okay," you yawn, "no promises."

  
She leaves the light on and the door open when she leaves. Usually you would be upset about this, you would grumble and get up and slam the door. But not today. Today you leave it and don't move from your spot.

  
She comes back not long after, bearing gifts of ibuprofen and an icepack, both of which you're grateful for.

  
You swallow the pills dry as she presses the pack to your nose and eases her hands away when you swat them gently off. You can take care of yourself.

  
She rolls your desk chair back to where it was before, this time turned around so the back is facing you. Then she sits down on it in that openly casual way you've seen people do in eighties movies. Normally this would be an awkward move on her part, given her predilection towards skirts and dresses, but today that's not the case. No, today she's wearing pants. She came prepared.

  
That's...that's kind of fucking great.

  
"Are you ready to tell me?"

  
"Tell you what? There's nothing to tell." You blatantly lie.

  
"Kat, don't lie to me." She reaches over and puts a hand on your face. The gesture is somewhere between a pap and a playful slap. You're okay with it. "Something's been bugging you the past couple of days. I can tell the difference between you being your usual ornery self and when you're actually sulking."

  
And you thought you'd been doing so well, too. "I have no idea what you mean."

  
"Yes you do! Tell me what's been going on with you, or-"

  
"Or what?" You raise an eyebrow challengingly.

  
"Or...or I'm taking back the ice."

  
She lunges for it and you fall on the bed so you're out of her grasp. "What? No! You wouldn't dare, I'm an injured man!"

  
"No," she retorts, squaring her shoulders. Her eyes scream danger. "you're an insolent child who needs to learn that ice is a privilege, not a right!"

  
You stand up on the edge of your bed. "No fucking way! I'd rather die than give you this ice back!"

  
You know you're being ridiculous and unbelievably childish, but you can't help it.

  
"Karkat." She says your name as a warning, and for a moment you think she's going to scold you for swearing again. But instead you watch her shift positions on the chair so she's practically standing on the seat and you wonder what she's doing when it hits you.

  
She jumps, using the chair as a springboard, and reaches an outstretched hand for the icepack in your own. You manage a quick step to the right before you feel her fingers graze the ice. It makes you fumble a bit with it, but you keep ahold of your prize. If your grip had been any looser, you're certain you would have lost it.

  
Your mother lands and rolls off your bed, landing on the ground with a crash that makes you flinch.

  
"You okay down there?" You ask from your place on the bed.

  
She nods up at you, seemingly unphased, when an irritated shout interrupts the both of you. "What the fuck are you two doing?"

  
"Nothing." You shout back down near simultaneously, it's almost a conditioned response by now.

  
She chuckles and you crack a smile as you help her to her feet.

  
"I think I won that round." You say, waving your ice smugly before replacing it on your face.

  
"Alright, so you did." She shrugs with a sigh, shoving her hands in her pockets. "Can't you tell me anyway? Maybe as a consolation prize?"

  
You sit back down on your bed before flopping all the way back, your legs dangling off the edge. "Consolation prizes are an insult to competition. Who the fuck gets a prize for being in fourth place? Or even last? That's just stupid and defeats the purpose of even competing."

  
"Keep your head elevated." She says as she walks back over to the chair and sits down crosslegged on it, hands clasped around her ankles. She reminds you of how little kids sit sometimes, or how you do when you're concentrating on something important. "Kat, come on. You can talk to me, you know that."

  
"Yeah," you sigh, "yeah, I do."

  
You suppose you're done being difficult for the day. You're still pretty tired, and you're not sure how much longer you could continue stalling for. It's not like you didn't intend on telling her at some point, anyway.  
"Okay, so you remember how I went to the police station on Friday? Well..."

  
You tell her everything. Everything you deem relevant and important and everything you think she should hear. You leave out Dave's name and how you two met, as well as exactly what he said to you. You leave out the part where Gamzee slapped you so hard you almost hit your head on his coffeetable on the way down. You do tell her about instigating the fight, and about Dave papping you unexpectedly, and about Kanaya-

  
Right, Kanaya.

  
"While we're on the subject, is it okay if Kanaya comes over? Just to bring me my homework so I don't fall behind."

  
"Sweetie, Kanaya came by awhile ago. Jack told her she could wake you if she wanted, but evidently she decided against it. She did leave your homework, though."

  
She directs your gaze to your desk, where a stack of papers sits waiting for your perusal. You nod at it.

  
"That was nice of her."

  
"Yes, it was. You were saying?"

  
Oh, right. You tell her about apologizing, and about the stupid memo Dave made. You also tell her about what John said about this upcoming Friday. You leave out any mention of Dave, in case she doesn't want you near the kid who possibly gave you a concussion.

  
She takes all of this information in without so much as a change in expression, and once you're finished she pats you sympathetically on the knee. She tells you she's sorry about the way things turned out with Gamzee, but that she much preferred Kanaya, anyway. She also tells you you're grounded, and that the doctor would swing by first thing in the morning. She tells you she'll call you down for dinner when it's ready, and that she will also come up in a few hours to check on you, regardless.

  
She's closing the door behind her when she says, almost casually, that you can go to John's on Friday if you feel up to it.

  
She flicks your light off and closes the door, but now you can't sleep, even though your body's practically aching to return to the land of perpetual z's.

  
You finally get to go to John's house. Fucking finally.

  
You're more than a little excited about Friday. Granted you're grounded, suspended, and single, not to mention probably concussed, but hey, you get to go to a party. With lots of movies and some humans you consider friends.

  
At this point, there's nothing else you can do but celebrate the small victories.


	8. Chapter 8

You get time off for good behavior at home and are allowed to go to John's weekly movie night, which you're excited about. Granted, you can't say you're excited to watch Con Air again for the millionth time, but you were excited to see your friends again after a week of sitting at home, growing bored and stir crazy.

  
There's only one issue. Usually on Friday you and Rose would go home with John and Jade after school. Today was no exception for Rose, but its a completely different story for you. You wouldn't really care if walking to their house was an option, but they live in the suburbs about seven miles away from your house. That doesn't sound too godawful, but you also have all of the crap in your bag to think about, plus the fact that it's starting to get really fucking cold out. Yeah, you're not walking that.

  
You almost open pesterchum to bug John about it, but then decide that something this serious demands you go retro.

  
You call John instead.

  
"Dave! What's up? Man, I feel like it's been forever since I've seen you!"

  
"Still haven't seen me John, this is a phone."

  
"Well duh, I know that. Hey, what's taking you so long to get here? Rose is already here, chilling and talking about girl stuff with Jade."

  
"Yeah, that's actually what I called to talk to you about. I don't have a ride."

  
"What do you mean you don't have a ride?" Says John, confused. "Can't you just borrow Dirk's car or something?"

  
"No, see, that's the thing. Apparently your cousin Jake's in town-"

  
"Oh, right! I forgot he was getting back from his adventures on Jade's mystery island today!"

  
"Well, Dirk didn't. So he's out, and so are Jane and Roxy. Apparently they're all throwing him a welcome back bash and are gonna be out all night. So I'm rideless." You shrug before you remember he can't see you.

  
"You know, you could always, maybe..." he doesn't seem so certain about whatever suggestion he's about to make, "bum a ride with Karkat?"

  
"Dude, what? Do you hear yourself? We both mutually bashed each other's faces in, there's no way he'd let me ride with him." You go to your room and begin to pack your bag, even though you're beginning to think that going to John's house is unlikely.

  
"You don't know that for sure, you haven't asked yet. You'd be surprised the amount of shit that guy puts up with. Besides, I thought you guys were cool now?"

  
You pick a pair of pajamas up from the floor and give them the old sniff test. They don't smell horrible, so you toss them in. "Yes, we're cool, but not cool enough. We gotta be way more chill than this before I ask him to chauffeur me around."

  
"Actually, you'd probably be the one doing the chauffeuring."

  
You crook an eyebrow at your phone while you zip up your bag. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

  
"Karkat's fifteen, he can't drive yet."

  
"Hm." You throw your bag on over your shoulder in casual coolkid fashion. "I thought he was in our grade."

  
You're not even sure why you thought that, you'd never bothered to ask him what grade he was in. "He is." John replies. "He's got a summer birthday. Wriggling day? Troll hatching thing. Point is, it's at the end of the year."

  
"Okay, so from this information I gather that you think Karkat will let me borrow his parent's car and drive us both on over to your place, where we'll sit through Con Air before putting on something actually good, and then what about tomorrow? I drive Karkat, Rose, and myself back into New Can Town, drop Karkat off with the car, and Rose and I walk back?"

  
"Well, yeah, but if you're not okay with that, my dad could always give you a ride back. I'd offer you a ride here, but he's busy doing dad things."

  
"Like what?" You're leaving the apartment now. Terezi's drawing something in the hallway in chalk. You're pretty sure it's a dragon. She waves at you as you pass by.

  
"Oh, you know, errands at the Dadly Depot and stuff."

  
"Sounds about right." You're all the way down the stairs and out the front door when you stop. "Hey, dude? I just realized I don't know where Karkat lives. Or if he'll even agree to this. I should probably pester him first, right?"

  
There's some rustling from John's end. "It's totally okay, bro, I already got it for you! Karkat seemed pretty reluctant to go along with the idea at first, but then he realized it meant he wouldn't have to spend time alone in a car with Jack." John laughs, and there's a bit more rustling. "Shit, I know I wrote it down, I just had it. Ah, got it! He lives on 612 Prospit Lane."

  
"Alright, thanks man."

  
"No problem! See you guys soon."

  
You hang up. Your apartment is on Derse Boulevard, which isn't too far from Prospit Lane. You head east and think about how weird it was that the Carapace officials who named the streets decided to name them after their dead planets. It's not like that was a common practice or anything, as far as you knew the streets in Little Alternia had basically normal names. Then again, they were in Alternian, so you can't really say for sure.

  
It takes you ten minutes to get to Karkat's house. You spend one minute looking at the fucker. It's...pretty big. Not mansion big, but definitely not average joe sized, either. It's also not a can. Not saying that all the houses in New Can Town were actually shaped like cans, but architecturally speaking, most of them were. You'd be intimidated by its height and lack of cylindrical-ness if it was painted a normal color. But nope, there's a bunch of different colors slapped all over this thing. Baby blue, bubblegum pink, some weird green color, this place was a mess. Well, maybe not a mess, there seemed to be something of a strategy to the color scheme, or had been at first, you guess. The door and roof were the same shade of yellow, so that was something.

  
Point was, this was not the kind of place you expected a gangster to live. Maybe that was the idea? You could ask Karkat later.

  
You head up the driveway (it's pretty long) and cut through the grass to the front porch. You're about to knock when it hits you. You're about to knock on Karkat's door.

  
You're about to knock on Spades Slick's door.

  
Then a different revelation hits.

  
What's your dad doing today?

  
You don't even get the chance to consider the consequences of knocking when the door is thrown open and you're left with your fist raised at nothing. Karkat seems just as surprised as you do. You're really glad for that.

  
"Shit, you were taking so long, I though you got lost or something." He says, adjusting the strap on his shoulder. His bag looks full to bursting. He does realize this is a one day thing, right? "I was just going to come and wait for you outside, maybe pester you a little with some directions even that bulge obsessed mushy gray slew you call a pan could understand."

  
Your hand is still in the air, and, for lack of anything else to say you address this. "Yo, are you gonna just leave me hanging over here? That's so rude, Karkat. Where are your manners, man? Come on, I thought you were better than that."

  
He blinks at you, and looks genuinely confused about what you want from him. It's not a cultural thing, you know that, you bump fists with Terezi all the time. Apparently he just wasn't used to having your fist so close to him and not connecting to anything involuntarily.

  
"What, you wanna go?" His eyebrows are furrowed suspiciously at you as he sneers.

  
"Yeah, to John and Jade's. Now hurry up and bump my fist with yours so we can get a move on, dude. Or do you need me to help you out?"

  
"Fuck you." He says as he slowly raises his own fist so it's level with yours and nudges it softly, quick to withdraw.

  
You smile. "That was the most awkward fist bump in the history of fist bumps." He opens his mouth to reply, but you interrupt. You don't have time for a rant right now. "Chill, it's fine. Anyway, we should go, the gang's waiting, dude."

  
He nods and steps out of the doorway and onto the porch. You're already off the porch as he pulls the door closed, but then stops with the door half ajar.

  
"God damn it," he curses under his breath. It's still loud enough for you to hear. He glances at you with one of the most annoyed expressions you've ever seen, and you feel like that's saying something, because his default expression is pretty much 'annoyed with everything'. "I forgot the car keys."

  
"Can't you just, you know...go and get them?" You're not sure you understand the problem here.

  
"Yeah, yeah I can." He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "It's going to be annoying as fuck, though. Stay there."

  
"Why wouldn't I stay here?"

  
"Just...whatever happens, you stay the fuck there, understand? Stay."

  
"Dude, I'm not a dog."

  
"Strider." He warns, clearly not willing to put up with your shit at this moment.

  
"Alright, alright, I'll stay right here. Got it."

  
"Okay." He nods, looking a little less annoyed. He opens the door all the way again, but before he steps back in and is completely out of sight, he adds "Good Strider, good boy."

  
Then he's back inside before you can so much as bark indignantly at him.

  
There's a lot of yelling that you can't fully comprehend coming from inside. You imagine it's mostly throwing insults around. Your suspicions are confirmed when Karkat stumbles backwards out the door again, yelling as he loses his footing on the space between the doorway and the front porch and quickly regains it with a practiced step. You take it this isn't the first time this has happened.

  
"I'd fuck off faster if you just gave me the god damn keys!" He shouts to the doorway.

  
You can't really hear the other guy's response, but Karkat seems pretty in tune with them.

  
"Really, asshole? Why don't you try it, then? Come on, do it!" He's egging whoever it is on. From what you know about his family, you don't think that's a good idea.

  
Something goes flying towards Karkat, and you almost run forward to push him out of the way. You catch yourself lurching towards him and stop yourself. You were told to stay put, so you were going to, only because you figured Karkat could possibly know what he was doing.

  
Karkat maneuvered his backpack so it blocked his chest from the flying thing. It hit the bag with a dull, metallic tinkle, and you realized that they were keys. You relax a bit at that, not even realizing you'd been tense to begin with.

  
You tense back up when the next thing comes flying unexpectedly out of the door not even ten seconds later (the car keys had only just begun to slip down the surface of Karkat's bag), pinning them to it.

  
Karkat rolls his eyes at the knife sticking out of his bag and pulls it out as if it's normal, catching the keys with his other hand as they fall. He tosses you the keys, and you, in your confusion over what just happened, let them hit you in the chest and fall on the grass.

  
Karkat doesn't notice. "Most adults don't throw shit at their kids! What the fuck is wrong with you, you've been doing this for years now, you can't just hand stuff to me like a normal person? Also fuck you, you could have killed me! Why the shit are you throwing knives around? That's dangerous!"

  
More angry shouting in response. You wonder if Karkat was always such an angry loudmouth or if he got it from you guess one of his guardians.

  
"Holy fuck, no, I'm not taking the knife with me! I'm going to John's house, why would I need it?"

  
Blah blah blah, shouting, yelling, probably cursing.

  
"Oh my god, he has knives there! You do realize that literally everyone's house has a god damned knife, right? Sometimes drawers of them! They're not some special weapon only you have access to, bulge binger." Karkat says, exasperated. "How would bringing my own be any safer than just running to the kitchen and grabbing one? It's not like a knife would even do any good if there's a fucking "shootout" like you're spouting on about."

  
You wonder if all that yelling hurts his throat or if he's completely unphased by it, assuming he's done this for years.

  
"No, I'm not taking your gun! Don't you dare throw that, you lead headed sphincter fondler! Don't. You. Dare."

  
He slams the door before something makes a thumping noise on the other side. You don't even want to think about the possibility of that being a gun.

  
You're pretty sure it was a gun.

  
Karkat groans and runs his hand through his hair again before jumping off the porch and walking past you over to one of the windows with the weirdly colored shutters (this one was orange and pink striped, who the fuck was in charge of painting this thing?) and taps on the window.

  
The window opens, and a scowling carapace pops his head out to glare at Karkat.

  
Your heart almost stops at the sight of him. You've never actually seen him before, but now that you do, you know, instantaneously, that this is him. This is the guy.

  
Spades fucking Slick, the boss of the Midnight Crew.

  
You are so thankful for your practiced stoicism and your shades at this moment, because you have no idea how you're feeling besides intimidated and a little freaked out. Both are things you'd rather not broadcast.

  
Karkat glowers back at the notorious mob boss whom you have to continually remind yourself is his god damn dad, and puts the knife on the windowsill. "You shouldn't throw guns at people. What the fuck are you trying to do, arm me or kill me?"

  
"It wasn't even loaded." He grumbles.

  
"I don't care. Stop throwing shit. You're a grown man, Jack."

  
"Don't tell me what to do, kid." He sneers.

  
Your theory of nature vs. nurture seems to be leaning heavily in favor of nurture as you watch Karkat mimic the gesture with equal much ferocity.

  
Spades Slick (Karkat called him Jack, you remind yourself) gives up first. "At least take the fucking bullets with you."

  
Karkat's eyebrows come together in a way reminiscent of what you think a confused caterpillar would look like. "Why the fuck would I take the bullets when I'm leaving the gun here?"

  
"Because I fucking said so, you ungrateful brat. Just take them!"

  
His hand reaches out, and you can see it's full of bullets that you can see the shells of between his fingers. Karkat bats the hand away with his own, and the two continue to argue about it for nearly a minute before Spades (Jack) just lets go and retracts his hand. Karkat is quick to cup his own hands and catch whatever he can, even though he stated, loud and vehemently, that he didn't want it. Some of it still manages to slip out of his grip and bounce onto the ground.

  
Karkat looks down at the loot in his hands, then back up at Spades, then down at his hands again.

  
"These are scotty dogs." Karkat says, voice lacking any inflection.

  
"You're damn right they are."

  
"What the fuck did you want me to do with these?"

  
"You're supposed to eat them and learn some gratitude, you prick." He replies. "If you're not going to use the bullets, I want them back."

  
Karkat nods and picks all of the bullets out of his stash, dumping them on the windowsill next to the knife.

  
"There's some on the ground, too, pick them up, don't be a wasteful asshole."

  
Karkat grumbles but does what he's told. He drops them on the sill with the others, but before he's able to withdraw fully, Spades ruffles his already messy hair. Karkat pulls away, empty hand smoothing out the spot Spades had mussed.

  
"See you around, kid."

  
"I should be back around ten tomorrow." He turns to you, and you realize that you've just been standing here awkwardly watching Karkat interact with a notorious gangster. "Ten work for you, Strider?"

  
"Um. Yeah, sure. Whatever." You shrug.

  
Karkat nods, then turns back to Spades. "I'll text you when I get there."

  
"Like I give a damn what you do. Hurry up and fuck off already."

  
"Alright, alright, I'm going. So long, motherfucker." Karkat gives him a sarcastic salute as the window slams to a close.

  
He turns to you, practically overcome with relief and almost smiling. "Finally! We can fucking leave! Do you still have the keys, Strider?"

  
You pluck the keys off the ground. "Yes."

  
"Then let's get a god damn move on, shall we?"

  
He leads you to the garage, and inside there's only one car. But there's no way that's the right car. Karkat gets into the passenger seat while you stand there and look around for the car you're actually supposed to drive.

  
After about a minute of scanning the garage for any signs of an invisible car, Karkat pops his door open and glares at you.

  
"Strider, what's the hold up? Have you never seen a garage before?"

  
"No, I have."

  
"Then what the shit? Get the fuck in, you're making us late."

  
"Dude, the party can't start until the DJ gets there." You say absently.

  
"What?"  
"Nothing, never mind. This is what I'm driving?"

  
"Um, duh and or hello, Strider. What the fuck else would you be driving?" He gestures around to the lack of other vehicles.

  
"Okay, it's just that..."

  
"Just that what, Strider?"

  
It's that fucking black towncar from before, complete with black tinted windows and pockmarks in the body that looks suspiciously like impact from multiple bullets. Exactly what you'd expect a mobster to drive.  
"...it's just so fucking perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's sort of short, but I'll make up for it. Promise.  
> Anyway, I feel like Karkat hasn't interacted enough with Jack/Spades so far in this fic. I tried to make up for it here, at least a little. Probably there will be more interactions in later chapters. That's the plan, at least.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally getting to movie night. In other news, I had this song stuck in my head: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARLPT5rKjWo since starting this fic, so it makes a brief appearance. I thought I'd offer you guys the url just in case the same thing happens to any of you guys.

The drive to John and Jade's isn't long, but it feels longs when your passenger doesn't talk to you or turn on the radio. You'd never thought you'd be disappointed about not being yelled at. Instead of paying any attention to you, Karkat stares down at his fistful of weird candy. He picks one up, inspects it, and pops it into his mouth.

  
"Gross." He mumbles before picking up another one and repeating the process.

  
"If they're gross, then why the fuck are you eating them?" You ask. You don't really care, you would just love some sound to fill the silence right now.

  
"Jack gave them to me." He says as he pops another one in his mouth. "You might not have noticed, Strider, being the dense douchebag that you are, but Jack and I aren't exactly on the greatest terms."

  
Okay, you call bullshit on that. They seemed to be getting along just fine in that family arguing way, kind of like you and your family about where to go out for dinner or what to watch on tv.

  
"So the fact that he gave me these gross, vomit inducing black licorice scotty dogs from his personal hat stash means something. And from what I can gather, it's probably a good something."

  
He eats another one, then in a magnanimous gesture of good will, offers one to you. "You want one, Strider? They're terrible."

  
"Really? What do they taste like?"

  
"Approval and hat lint."

  
"I always thought approval probably tasted pretty fucking sweet, you know, like how victory tastes sweet."

  
"The hat lint cancels it out."

  
"Alright, pop that puppy right into my mouth, Karkat." You open your mouth wide, and instead of questioning your actions like he's done literally any time you've done anything, he obliges and flicks the little black licorice dog into it. "You're right, this is some nasty shit right here."

  
He offers you another one, and for some reason you feel compelled to take it. After your third scotty dog, you decide to ask about the music again.

  
"You sure you don't have any tunes in this thing?"

  
"I didn't say anything about 'tunes', I said we didn't have radio."

  
"How the fuck do you not have radio?"

  
"I have no fucking clue, but I know what we do have."

  
"What?"

  
Karkat turns on something. You think it's a tape player.

  
The tape player begins to slowly come to life with sound, and the audio sounds ancient to your ears.

  
Then came the vocals.

  
_"I'm a member of the Midnight Crew..."_

  
"What the fuck?"

  
"I know, right?"

  
_"I'm a night owl and a wise bird, too..."_

  
"Who's this douchebag?"

  
"No idea."

  
_"Bring your wife and trouble, it will never trouble you. Make her a member of the Midnight Crew."_

  
Karkat turned off the tape player, and all was silent in the car again.

  
"I...I can't believe your dad has a theme song. That's so lame." You love it.

  
"He's not my dad, and it's not his theme song. The crew took their name from the song."

  
"Well, it's still lame."

  
Karkat sighs before popping the last of the scotty dogs in his mouth. "Yeah, it's lame."

  
Oh, would you look at that, you're at the house. About fucking time, in your humble opinion. You and Karkat get out of the car and grab your bags from the back seat. You stroll up the walk like you do every week and are about to knock on the door when you notice that Karkat is still standing on the curb by the car with a strange expression on his face.

  
"Yo, Karkat? Are you coming, bro? You're acting like you've never seen the place before."

  
Karkat blinks and turns his gaze to you, whatever that weird expression was, it was gone now and replaced with his usual sneer.

  
"That's because I haven't, fucktart."

  
You look back at the house. You've been coming here for years, so you're pretty much used to it. However, you can understand why it might be a bit to take in. Even though John and Jade lived in the suburbs, their house is huge, the biggest one there, probably. Their family's extremely wealthy, so it's no surprise.

  
"If you think this is nice, you should see the inside." You say, turning back to the door. Behind you you hear Karkat growl to himself and stomp over to you.

  
"No, duh." He says, elbowing you out of the way and pounding on the door himself.

  
You hear barking from the other side of the door, and Karkat backs away a bit at the sound.

  
"Bec, down!" Jade says as she opens the door, holding her dog back by the collar as he strains against it. "Hey, guys! Come on in!"

  
Karkat's eyes are on the dog as he steps inside, and you're quick to follow. You both take off your shoes, and you move to scratch Bec behind the ears. Jade kicks the door closed and eases up on her hold on Bec.  
Bec, suddenly released from the deceptively strong grip of Jade Harley, bounds forward, sits himself down in front of Karkat, and barks once.

  
Karkat hisses softly in response, snarling down at the dog. You take it Karkat's not much of a dog person and wait patiently for Bec to attack him, as he's prone to do to those who antagonize him. Surprisingly enough, the big dog puts his forepaws on Karkat's shoulders, effectively pinning him to the wall as he proceeds to lick his face.

  
"Gross." Karkat's voice is muffled under what must be at least thirty pounds of dog. "Jade, get your god damn dog off me!"

  
Jade laughs. "Aw, but he likes you so much! Can't you just accept his kisses for a little while, Karkat?"

  
"Yeah, Karkat, most people aren't so lucky to get approved by Bec." You add. The dog didn't take to you for almost a full year after Jade moved in with John and the Crockers. You'll admit to being slightly jealous.

  
"Why is he so fucking affectionate!" Karkat cries as the dog's weight presses against him and causes him to slide down. He's trying to keep his disgusted frown in place as Bec continues to lick him and nudge him for pets wth his nose. Karkat eventually gives in and pets him, admitting his defeat. "Seriously, Jade, what the fuck?"

  
Jade shrugs. "He's always liked you, for some reason. I honestly don't understand it myself."

  
Karkat glowers at her, arms still around her dog. "Fuck you, too."

  
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Bec, come!" Bec gets off of Karkat and rushes over to Jade, sitting beside her as if waiting for another command. She pats his head. "Good boy."

  
Karkat, suddenly dogless, stands back up and wipes his face on his sleeve. "Great." He sighs, holding his arm away from him. "Now there's dog hair and slobber on my face."

  
"Could be worse." You shrug. "At least he didn't piss on you or something."

  
"Bec would never do that!" Jade says defensively. "He's completely house broken."

  
"I know, I'm just saying there are plenty of ways it could be worse. He also didn't try to eviscerate the guy, like he did with me every day for like forever."

  
"You were a stranger, Dave. He was just trying to protect me."

  
"Yeah, whatever. I just don't think he liked me. Probably still doesn't, that smug little bastard."

  
You bend down and glare at the dog behind your shades, and he barks at you. "See what I mean?"

  
Jade rolls her eyes at you. "That doesn't prove anything. Come on, I'll show you where to drop your bags."

  
You're about to remind Jade that you come here literally every week, you know where to put your shit, when you remember that Karkat has no idea where anything is. You keep quiet and follow Jade's lead.

  
Jade takes the both of you upstairs to Jake's room, which has been pretty much empty for nearly a year now. You suppose he's probably going to want it back soon if he plans on staying. But for tonight, like almost every Friday, it's going to be utilized as a spare room. Assuming anyone actually makes it to a bed before passing the fuck out, which usually never happens.

  
It's nice to know the bed is there if you want it, though.

  
"We were all about to get into our pajamas, just so you guys know. Then we can finally get this party started!"

  
"Okay, cool. See you in a few." Jade nods and closes the door, leaving you alone with Karkat to change.

  
You start taking off your shirt and are in the process of unbuttoning your pants before you notice that Karkat's still standing by the door, holding his bag to his chest.

  
"Dude, you want something, or...?" He shakes his head and looks at the floor, but doesn't move from his spot. "Are you changing?"

  
"Yes."

  
"...because you don't look like you're changing."

  
"I'm fucking changing, asshole."

  
"Okay, but more specifically right now, or like today? Because it doesn't look like you're changing right now."

  
"I'm gonna do it when I feel like it, Strider, okay? Excuse me for not wanting to undress in front of the great vacillator himself." He snaps at you.

  
You're suddenly self conscious about the way your pants are beginning to sag and expose your boxers, so you pull them back up and rebutton.

  
"Hey, if you were uncomfortable about it, you could have just said something. I mean, I had no intention of ogling you, because sleepovers are a strictly no homo event. Well, obviously you can be a homosexual, since Rose is here and all, but what I'm saying is even if someone at the party is like, gay or bi or straight or whatever orientation, making the googly eyes at another party member is on no one's to-do list and is basically just the worst idea ever. Can you imagine how much stupid drama that would cause? All the weird tension? We'd never be able to sit through the first five minutes of Con Air, and trust me, that thing's barely tolerable as it is."

  
"I haven't seen it."

  
"Well isn't it your lucky day, then. Now are you gonna get into your god damn pajamas or not?"

  
The answer seems to be not, because Karkat is still standing there, holding his bag and biting the inside of his cheek.

  
"That...wasn't the only reason." He says quietly.

  
You're kind of starting to get a little annoyed. All you want to do is get into your pajamas, but everything feels extremely awkward with Karkat just standing there, blatantly directing his gaze away from you, and looking like the most uncomfortable being in the world.

  
"What the shit is it, then?" You practically snap. Seriously, you would usually be downstairs chilling on the couch with your homies and ragging on everybody else's choice in movies.

  
"I'd just rather not change in front of anyone else." He hugged his bag closer to his chest as if to cover himself and his lack of nudity. "Not just you. I don't even change in the locker room during gym class."

  
You remember right then that his blood is a weird color and that trolls have those weird scars where there ribs are from when they used to be bug babies and had extra legs, and that the scars are a pretty prominent display of a troll's blood color.

  
"There's a bathroom down the hall to your left." You say, sighing internally and pointing your thumb in that direction. "It's the room with the toilet in it, you can't miss it."

  
Karkat rolls his eyes and slams the door behind him, finally leaving you alone to change. It takes you all of a minute to get into your pajamas, and you're quick to leave for the living room where you're sure everyone's been waiting patiently.

  
"Yo, what are we all watching?" You jump over the back of the couch and land in your usual spot between John and Jade.

  
"Nothing right now." John sighs, leaning back on the couch and crossing his arms. "We're still waiting for Karkat."

  
"What's taking him so long?" Jade wonders, petting Bec's head.

  
"Maybe he couldn't find the bathroom." You shrug. "Who knows with that guy?"

  
"I would assume you would, Dave." Rose replies from her seat on the floor. Oh my god, she's wearing those lacy eldritch horror pajamas. You thought she got rid of those. "You were the last to see him."

  
"He said my track record for vacillating was a bit much to be comfortable changing in front of."

  
"Going black to pale is pretty uncommon." Rose nods. "Even more so with the time frame you vacillated in."

  
"I stand by my earlier claim of not knowing what the hell was going on with any of that."

  
"Speaking of, I _still_ don't know what the hell was going on with any of that. Kanaya wouldn't tell me anything." Jade says.

  
Karkat clears his throat, and you all turn to see him standing behind the couch. Jesus, when did he get there? Apparently he could be quiet when he wanted to. "You never did pay me for the information, Jade."

  
"I'm currently working on that sweater you commissioned in exchange for said information." Rose offers.

  
Karkat nods. "Good. So you're Rose, then?"

  
"Yes. Rose Lalonde, Dave's sister. Pleasure to make your acquaintance." She extends a hand between you and Jade, and Karkat leans forward to meet her hand halfway.

  
"Pleasure's all yours, believe me." Karkat turns to address you. "I didn't know you had a twin sister."

  
"I don't." You say.

  
"He doesn't." Rose shakes her head.

  
Karkat's eyebrows do the caterpillar thing again. "But she just said-"

  
"We're quadruplets." Rose interrupts. "The other two are off with some of their own friends. Friends who are also coincidentally relatives of John and Jade's."

  
"Oh, so Jake's back state-side?" Karkat's addressing Jade now. Bec stands up on the couch and tries to lick his face again.

  
"Yeah!" Jade replies brightly. "I don't know how long he'll be staying, though. Probably not too long. You know how he is. Hey, how come you still have your backpack?"

  
She's right, he does still have his backpack. You wonder how you didn't notice before. However, you do notice the smirk threatening to overpower his dark expression as he moves away from the back of the couch and over to the coffee table, where your feet are currently sitting.

  
"John said that if I came tonight he'd be willing to watch one of my cheesy, cliche romcoms. So I figured, if he's willing to watch _one_ , he'd be willing to watch one hundred and one."

  
He dumps the contents of his back dramatically out onto the coffee table, romantic comedies spilling and pooling onto the floor.

  
"Dude, what the fuck?" You pick a few up off the table. "The Princess Bride, Hitch, The Wedding Singer? Holy shit, is that Romeo and Juliet?"

  
"Wait, wait, wait!" Jade interrupts. "Which version of Romeo and Juliet is it?"

  
"The one with Leonardo DiCaprio." Karkat answers.

  
"Oh, cool, I like that one!" She plucks it out of your hand. "We're watching this."

  
"Did you really bring one hundred and one romcoms?" John asks, incredulous.

  
"Well, no. There wasn't enough room." He sighs, looking a little embarrassed now that he'd actually done it. "I brought forty-three."

  
"You do realize there's no way we can watch forty-three romantic comedies. We'd need at least like, what, two whole days for all that? We're only here the one day, Karkat, and everybody else has movies they picked out, too. Don't be a selfish asshole."

  
"Oh my god, I know! I mostly did it for dramatic effect."

  
"Mostly?"

  
"Spite was also a major player in this bit." He admits, shrugging.

  
"You know, at first I was wondering just how you and John could even be friends, but your dedication to a completely pointless bit explains everything."

  
John looks offended. "Hey, I worked really hard on my prankster's gambit!"

  
"No one cares, John." Karkat snaps at him, crossing his arms over his chest.

  
You take the time to get a good look at his pajamas.

  
"Okay, I don't want to be that guy, but are those girl's pajamas?"

  
You don't need him to respond to verify that they are, in fact, girl's pajamas. You've seen similar short and tank top combos at most department stores.

  
"Yeah, so? They're comfortable, you got a problem with that?"

  
"What? No, it's just that I wasn't really expecting...you know, _that_."

  
"Really? Well, so sorry I don't live up to your standards of masculinity, Strider." He's glaring at you, hands on his hips. There's the Thresh Prince logo on his shirt, and you're pretty sure those are little pink and gray sickles all over his shorts. He's such a dork.

  
"Nah, it's fine. You punched me in the face, so that about evens things out on the masculinity front." You shrug and look through the pile of Karkat's stuff on the floor in the hopes of changing the subject. You pick up a box of popcorn, and you're surprised by the sudden fall of kernels from the box.

  
"Oh, fuck, he stabbed through the bag!" Karkat groans, stomping over to clean up the spill while you plug the hole with your hand. "What an asshole."

  
Rose, already on the floor, plucks some of the kernels off the ground and drops them into Karkat's outstretched hand. "Do you mind me asking who the asshole is, or is that information also confidential until the sweater is knitted to completion?"

  
"My money's on Jack." John suggests.

  
"Your money would be right." You reply. "So, Karkat, what the hell are you doing with twelve bags of popcorn? That's way too much for one dude."

  
"It wasn't all for me, dumbass." He snaps, standing up. "Clearly it was for everybody. I'm not stupid enough to gorge myself on twelve bags of stale, artificially flavored microwavable shit."

  
"That sounded like a nice thing until you described it." Jade says, restraining Bec to keep him from eating the popcorn kernels. "But Karkat, we have popcorn here, you know."

  
"Yeah! What kind of terrible host do you take me for?" John pouts.

  
"You got apple juice?" You inquire.

  
"Yes, Dave."

  
"You're the best host."

  
"Aw, thanks, bro!"

  
"Don't mention it, now get me some apple juice."

  
John rolls his eyes at you. "Hey, Karkat, you're up."

  
Karkat sighs. "Yes, yes I am."

  
"You mind getting Dave juice?"

  
"You mind eating out my pustule covered nook and choking on my genetic material?"

  
John actually laughs. "Gross. So, juice?"

  
"Get me the biggest cup you can find." You interject.

  
"Get your juice your god damn self and shove it up your waste chute." Karkat grumbles as he stomps off to the kitchen.

  
"You know," Jade says, stroking her chin thoughtfully, "I think that's just an enema."

  
"I hate to interrupt wherever this intriguing conversation is going, but who's Jack and why did he stab a box of popcorn?" Rose asks, not used to being the unenlightened one of the group. That's more your speed.

  
"His guardian." John responds before you can casually rub in knowing something she doesn't know. "He's sort of violent, but he means well."

  
"His mom's really nice, though." Jade adds. "She's a nurse."

  
You wonder how much they really know about Jack.

  
As if she can read your mind, Rose inquires, "And what does his father do?"

  
"Not father, guardian." Jade corrects. "He's very particular about that."

  
"Oh, really? Why?"

  
"Dunno." John shrugs. "I'm also not sure what he does."

  
Karkat comes back into the room, carrying a plastic cup.

  
"Hey, Karkat, what does Jack do again?"

  
"He works in the department of none of your business, fuckwit." Karkat puts the cup down by your feet on the table.

  
"That is not the biggest cup you could find."

  
"Beggars can't be choosers, Strider." He tsks. You bet he would have rapped you on the head with a book if he had one.

  
"I'm not really the begging type." You say, lifting your shades so you can wink at him. "If you know what I mean."

  
"Yeah, I bet you're more used to paying for it, if you know what I mean." He winks sarcastically back at you and takes a seat on the floor next to Rose.

  
You snort and drink your juice.

  
"Alright, if everybody's ready, then let's get this party started!" John bounces in his seat, reaching for the remote. "Con Air time!"

 

You and your friends sit through Con Air for what feels like the millionth time and you all breathe a collective sigh of relief when it's over. Except of course for John and, more surprisingly, Karkat.

  
"So, Karkat!" John prods him in the shoulder with one socked foot, and Karkat looks about ready to bite it. "What did you think of the movie?"

  
"It wasn't the worst thing I've ever been forced to watch." He shrugs.

  
"Vriska really liked it."

  
"Then take back what I said. Don't you ever compare me to the spiderbitch again." He gets up and stretches, you can hear his shoulders popping as he does it. Apparently sitting cross legged on the floor for almost two hours isn't comfortable, who knew? "I'm gonna make some popcorn, you guys start another movie."

  
He snatches the damaged box on his way out, leaving the four of you to debate amongst yourselves, as usual. Obviously everyone wants to watch what they chose, so all of Karkat's choices, though many in number, have zero representation. You deliberate for about four minutes before the final line up is decided as Rose, Jade, Karkat, and finally, you. The reasoning behind your current status as last on the list is because you have a tendency to stay awake longer than everybody, and no one wants to watch whatever the fuck you brought, anyway.

  
Well, joke's on them. You brought '90s Godzilla, the one where Ferris Bueller is a worm biologist or something, which makes him somehow an expert on radiation lizards. Their loss.

  
Karkat comes in carrying a giant bowl of popcorn-it looks like he killed two bags-and gives it to you.

  
"Um...thanks? But dude, I can't eat this much popcorn."

  
"It's not just for you, asshole." He rolls his eyes. "You're in the middle, the designated popcorn holder spot."

  
"He has a point, Dave." Your sister concurs. "That does allow everyone almost equal access."

  
You take the bowl and put it on your lap. It's really warm on the bottom, almost burning. You wish you'd chosen something with thicker material to wear.

  
"No one can say Dave Strider never did his part in the fight for equality."

  
"Yes, because the fight for equality has always been about our ability to have our shared snacks at an equal distance from each other." It's Rose's turn to roll her eyes as she takes out John's dvd and replaces it with her own.

  
"I knew it."

  
She starts the movie.  
About a quarter of the way through, Jade asks if anyone's hungry. You all indicate the popcorn bowl, which has her hitting you in the shoulder and saying that she meant for something substantial. You all decide on pizza. It's a twenty minute wait for the two large pizzas. You all gorge on popcorn until then.

  
The pizza arrives and is almost completely gone the moment it hits the coffee table. You feel mostly responsible for this, having eaten probably at least half of a pizza yourself. Normally it wouldn't matter, but there's an uneven number of people present today, and the person making it uneven is Karkat. You have to stay on his good side, even if you're not sure he has one of those.

  
You end up offering him your last slice. He gives you a weird look, but accepts. Your sister also gives you a weird look and raises her eyebrow at you. You don't address the look and she doesn't comment out loud.

  
John is the first one to literally fall asleep, passing out halfway through Jade's sci-fi flick and leaning forward so far that he falls flat off the couch and almost lands on Karkat. After making sure he's okay, which just meant Karkat prodding him in random spots with his clawed finger and you with your socked foot, Karkat turns to Rose and whispers something about fighting her for the spot on the couch. She actually laughs at him, because he's clearly serious, and tells him he can have it if he wants. Her spot is the ground, anyway. Karkat scrambles onto the couch and takes the open seat next to you, grabbing a handful of popcorn before Rose adds that if he wanted to sit by you, he could have just said so.

  
Karkat sneers and tosses some of the popcorn at her, but doesn't respond.

  
Jade's movie ends, and Karkat's is put in. Everyone remains awake, and you can see that Jade and Karkat are both pretty much enamored with this movie. Jade stays quiet, but Karkat mumbles under his breath and between handfuls of popcorn about how much simpler things would have been if they'd used the quadrant system. If Romeo and Juliet had just been kismesis, he points out, their families would have most likely approved, there would be no reason to hide their relationship, and they would still get to have sex. He also wishes Tybalt and Romeo had been moirails, because they definitely seem like they were. You remind him that the play was written way before anyone on Earth even knew that trolls were a thing and he should take his problems up with troll Shakespeare. He says just putting 'troll' in front of a famous human's name doesn't mean troll's actually had an equivalent, you dumb dung chuffer.

  
You counter by saying troll Will Smith and indicate his lime green Thresh Prince pajamas as proof. He has no reply.

  
The protagonists kill themselves, and the movie ends. You have no idea how this is romantic. You state as much.

  
Karkat punches you in the shoulder and tells you that it's a tragedy. You tell him his face is the real tragedy. For a minute you think he's going to punch you again, but instead he shoves a piece of popcorn into your left nostril. You manage to get it out with the sheer force of your breath as it leaves your nose. Jade takes the popcorn bowl from your lap so it's out of Karkat's reach and passes it down to Rose. Karkat's popcorn privileges have been revoked.

  
Karkat and Jade whisper argue about it while Rose munches quietly from the floor. You honestly couldn't care less right now, because it's finally your turn. Godzilla time.

  
You sit back down between the bickering pair and tell them both to shut up, because your movie's on now. Jade informs you that your popcorn privileges haven't been revoked, unlike a certain small, grumpy troll she knows. Karkat bristles visibly at being called small.

  
Throughout the movie, you have Rose pass the bowl up so it's closer to you. You take a handful at a time and eat slowly while secretly offering some to the guy next to you. It's not very secret, both the girls are looking at you while you do it, but they don't say anything. Rose gives you that weird look again before turning back around with the bowl.

  
The girls pass out almost simultaneously with roughly ten minutes left of your movie. You're surprised they held out this long. You have a feeling the popcorn didn't help. You reclaim the bowl for the both of you and plop it between you so it's sitting on both your and Karkat's thighs. The movie ends.

  
"You mind if I put in another one?" He asks quietly.

  
You shrug. "Knock yourself out. It's not like I brought any."

  
Karkat gets up and tiptoes around the sleeping bodies of John and Rose, both stretched out on the floor. Watching Karkat try to be quiet is funny, you think.

  
"Are you okay with the Princess Bride? Fair warning, I'm putting it in either way." He pops open the case and takes out the dvd.

  
"Dude, I really don't care. Just put the fucker in already."

  
Karkat obliges and pads instead of tip toes back to the couch. Your face must have let slip how ridiculous you thought it looked.

  
You're a half hour in, and it's honestly not that bad of a movie. You're glad for that, because you're completely awake, and from his face you're pretty sure Karkat is, too.

  
"Hey, which character do you think you are?" You suddenly feel the urge to ask.

  
"Hm?" He turns to you, clearly he hadn't been paying attention to what you said, being far too engrossed in the film.

  
"Which character do you think you are? Go."

  
"Um..." He works his bottom lip with his teeth. You're not sure how good an idea that is, because you can still see the healing marks on it. "Well, obviously being Wesley would be best."

  
"Fuck yeah, being Wesley would be great! But that's not the question, bro. I asked what character you were, not who you'd like to be."

  
"I guess..." His eyes grow distant for a moment, just a moment. He's not looking at you or at the movie, onto something different. Something past. "I'm probably Inigo. We have a lot of striking similarities."

  
"What, you spent years learning how to sword fight so you could hunt down a six fingered man to avenge your father's murder?" You say jokingly.

  
Karkat nods. "Yeah, something like that. I don't know about the six fingers, though, and my sword training is more of the knife variety."

  
"...but the murder part?"

  
"I'd say that's pretty fucking accurate. What about you, Strider? Who the hell are you?"

  
"Well, damn." You cross your arms over your chest and try to think. "I don't fucking know. I was going to say Inigo."

  
"Your reasons better be as good as mine, or I won't even consider dueling with you over who gets to be Inigo."

  
"Actually, my reasons are pretty much the same as yours." You admit. "Except mine did involve actual sword fighting, so I have you beat there."

  
"Wait, wait, wait, back the fuck up a minute. Your reasons are the same as mine? Explain yourself."

  
"What, you want to compare tragic backstories?"

  
From the set of his mouth you can tell that saying no isn't exactly an option. "Yes."

  
"Alright, fine." You sigh loudly, even though you don't actually mind. You were a baby when it happened, and your parents were really cool when they were alive. "Do you want to go first or should I?"

  
"You can go first." He says as he moves the popcorn bowl onto the table and readjusts on the couch so he's facing you. His face scrunches up before you can start. "Why are you still wearing those?"

  
"Wearing what? These? I always wear my shades."

  
"But it's the middle of the night. And we're inside."

  
"I always wear my shades."

  
"Take them off."

  
"What? No."

  
"Yes."

  
"No."

  
"Yes."

  
"No."

  
"God damn it, Strider, I'm not playing this Equius and Nepeta conversation game anymore! Take off those fucking mirrored atrocities or I'll do it for you."

  
Karkat leans forward as if to make do on his threat to take them right off your face, but you fend him off with one hand placed strategically on his forehead and cementing him in place.

  
"This isn't papping or whatever, I swear I'm just trying to keep you from attacking me."

  
He seems to understand this and tries to bite one of your fingers in response.

  
"Whoa, easy there, tiger, I was just going to take them off myself." You decide that's probably the best option right now, no matter how much you'd rather not. You remove your shades and gently place them on the coffee table. "There, you happy now?"

  
"No, but I'll stop trying to bite you. For now."

  
"Kinky."

  
"Just..." he facepalms and drags the hand all the way down his face wearily. "just get on with your story, douchecanoe."

  
"Alright, alright. Are you ready for this?"

  
"Yes."

  
"Are you sure you're ready for this?"

  
"I already said yes, now fucking go already."

  
"Okay. So you've heard of the Strilondes, right? The leaders of that rebellion-"

  
"-against the Empress. I know, I know. I'm not a god damn moron, Strider, unlike you I actually pay attention in class. So what about them?"

  
"Dave Strider," you say, pointing to yourself, then you point to your sleeping sister. "Rose Lalonde. See, Strilonde was just a combo of the two names. You know, like instead of a hyphen they just smashed them together and got that super kickass name, technically I think they still both had their separate last names." That technically should have made you and Dirk Lalondes, but that had been legally changed when you were babies.

  
"Are you trying to suggest that your parents were the famous leaders of an activist group against the immigration of trolls to this planet?"

  
"Hey, keep in mind, you guys were planning on killing and enslaving the human race at that point. I'm sure you can understand why they were kind of against that."

  
"Yeah, I guess." He glares at you, and you ignore it.

  
"So anyway, at first the Strilondes -mom and pops- were completely against trolls on this planet. But then, after that treaty of whatever when your guys's Empress promised not to eradicate the human race, they decided to focus more on equality and mistreatment among trolls, you know, trying to abolish the hemospectrum bullshit. Now for some fucked up reason they had a really difficult time rallying troops of actual trolls together to fight for this cause-"

  
"If you payed attention in class ever you would know that there had been a failed rebellion on Alternia over the exact same fucking thing right before that god damn meteor hit."

  
"Fuck, for real?"

  
"Yes, for fucking real. That shit was as real as kraft grubsauce, to quote a certain douche."

  
"Okay, so anyway, they did manage to snag a few trolls for their cause, but the Empress had actual legal action on her side to keep her practices safe from abolishment. Something abouot sovereignty or whatever the fuck. So no matter how hard our parents fought against it there was nothing they, or their followers, could do. So they went on a weird and heavily veiled multimedia propaganda venture to get other people to realize what was going on. Apparently it wasn't veiled enough, I mean, I've read and watched some of the things and I thought all the real world connections were smothered by, like, a fucking lead apron or something. The Empress got it immediately, though, and she was way sneakier than my god damn parents, because one day they both just...disappeared. No one's actually sure what happened to them."

  
Your story peters to an end, and the both of you are quiet, awkwardly quiet. You've never actually had to tell that story before. Yes, Jade and John knew, but that was because you'd met John on a forum about that very subject, and Rose was the one who told Jade.

  
"So um, the end. Your turn, dude." You bump him in the shoulder lightly. "I pass the tragic backstory baton to you."

  
"Fuck, okay." He sighs, leaning heavily against the couch's arm. It sinks against his weight. "I don't think I can top that-"

  
"It's not a contest, don't be a morbid ass."

  
"I'm not, and it fucking is. Don't pretend it's not, that's how we got on this messed up subject in the first place."

  
"I just ripped open my chest and threw my soul at you and you're just going to toss it into one of those Ghostbuster thermos things and forget about it. Dude, no, toss me a bit of that back, that's how these things work."

  
"Oh my god, shut the fuck up and let me talk!" He snaps at you. For a second he's at his usual loud volume, but then you can see him remember where he is, and he quiets back down. "My story's not really as intense as yours." He begins, his voice barely audible. You have to lean in a little just to hear him. Karkat is staring at you, and it's kind of uncomfortably intense. "You know, mine are gonna be that color in a couple of sweeps." He indicates your eyes.

  
"Don't stall."

  
"I'm not stalling! It's an important part of the story, you bumbling fuckface. Like I was saying before you so rudely interrupted-"

  
"Hey, you interrupted me plenty."

  
"Shut it, Strider. Anyway, you probably noticed by now and if you haven't it's because you're a dense shitsack, but my blood isn't exactly...on the spectrum. I've known that since I was a wriggler, and I'd made my peace with my eventual culling for awhile now, as soon as my bulbs started to bleed through and I wouldn't be able to hide it anymore. But I was a lot younger when shit hit the fan, so obviously hiding didn't really turn out to be a motherfucking option. I was three sweeps old-"

  
"Most trolls use human years now, by the way. Since, you know, this is still a dominantly human planet. But go on."

  
He glares at you, but continues. "So, I was about six human years old when the culling drones came for me. It was midday, and at that point I was still on the nocturnal schedule, so think of it as around this general time frame. I was kind of hungry, so I'd gone down stairs to raid the nutrition block when I heard some noises from the front of my hive. I was stupid back then, really, really stupid, so I didn't think anything of it and went to see what the fuck was going on. I got there just in time to do nothing but watch a drone skewer my lusus and then drop him like he was just a fetid sack of expired grubloaf."

  
Then he grew quiet. He'd drawn his knees up to his chest half way through the story, and he had his chin resting on them. Apparently he was done talking.

  
"Was that the end?" You ask, even though it clearly was.

  
"Yeah, yeah that was the end." Karkat nods and runs a hand through his hair. "What, did you want more?"

  
"No, that was definitely plenty. I just have one question, though."

  
"It better be fucking relevant, jerkoff, or I swear I'll smother you with this cushion." He threatens, patting the cushion behind him.

  
You raise your hands in surrender. "Okay, fair enough. I was just wondering how you got away from the drones."

  
He shrugs. "I...don't actually remember exactly what happened. It was a long time ago, and I lost a lot of blood."

  
"Ah."

  
All quiet again. You both turn your attention back to the movie, and wouldn't you know it? It's Inigo Montoya's revenge scene.

  
"So, where did we land on the Inigo front?" You ask. You really want to break the heavy atmosphere.

  
"We didn't." Karkat says, then adds nothing more.

  
"Did you plan revenge against the Empress for the death of your lusus? That's probably the best way to figure this shit out. Were you gonna be all like 'Hello, my name is Karkat Vantas, you killed my father, prepare to die'?"

  
He snorts, and you're kind of glad to feel the tension begin to fade to an awkward background hum, though. "That was actually the plan for awhile." He admits. "But not against the Empress. That would be the dumbest shit anyone could ever do. No, I want revenge over whoever ratted me out to her so early."

  
Now you're doing the confused caterpillar eyebrow, you can feel it. "What the shit are you talking about?"

  
"Like I said before, I should have had time. Plenty of time! I wasn't supposed to be culled until it actually started showing when I hit ten sweeps, and by then my lusus would be dying of old age, anyway, so there would be no point in culling him. But somehow, the secret came out way too early, and the drones were sent my way seven sweeps sooner than expected." He sighs heavily and runs both hands through his hair. "Don't get me wrong, I get it, I really fucking do. Honestly, if I was a normal troll who didn't have god damn cherry swill running through my veins, I probably would have done the same thing. But the problem is, I survived and my lusus didn't. It was supposed to be the other way around. He...deserved better than that, you know? That's why I want to find whoever let the fucking meowbeast out of the bag and avenge his death, melodramatic Montoya style."

  
You nod. That all sounds so, so illegal. But you think you see where he's coming from with this. Yes, maybe when you were younger you'd had flights of fantasy about avenging your own parents. You and Dirk had both trained with swords for that very purpose, but you'd both realized how impossible revenge against someone like the Empress would be for two humans. You'd both gotten through it and worked out the majority of your issues involving the murders (okay, supposed murders, no one was really sure) years ago.

  
But Karkat didn't have the support of three siblings who went through literally the same thing. And on top of that, he apparently also had a more realistic enemy to face than the leader of an entire god damn army.

  
"So you were gonna..." You trail off.

  
"Kill them? Fuck yeah. Or, well, probably. That's the plan, anyway. If I can ever fucking find the asshole responsible." You can tell from the conviction in his voice and the way his fists are clenched that he's completely determined to follow this course of action. You doubt he'd change his mind no matter what anyone said to try to convince him otherwise. Still, you can't believe the next thing that comes out of your mouth.

  
"You know, now that I really think about it, I'm probably Fezzik. He's a giant, I'm pretty tall. He likes to rhyme, I also love the sicknasty raps. And he helps out Inigo, which is definitely something I plan on doing."

  
"You...want to help me out?" Karkat squints suspiciously at you. "Why?"

  
You shrug. "I dunno. You're an okay guy, and I kind of want to help a brother out, you know? Out of the goodness of my heart. Because I actually have some of that, unlike a certain troll."

  
"Um..." He scoots a bit away from you so his back is pressed entirely into the arm of the couch. "Given your track record so far, I'm not sure if I believe you."

  
"Oh, come on! I'm trying really hard here! Throw me a god damn bone or something! I'll try my best to not accidentally proposition you and I'll do whatever you ask me to. You know, within reason. Just give me a test run. A trial period. A temp job. Come on, try me. I promise you won't regret it."

  
"A trial period?" He tilts his head thoughtfully, like he's actually considering it. "Jack recently informed me of some...expansions in personnel lately. I...suppose I could let you join. You know, temporarily."

  
Holy shit, you did it. You're in the Midnight Crew. That was...a lot easier than you thought it would be.

  
"Yeah." You nod, keeping your voice completely level and trying to convey zero percent of your interest. "Yeah, that'd be cool."

  
The movie ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *blatantly references The Princess Bride*  
> I refuse to apologize.


	10. Chapter 10

You wake up earlier than usual, completely unaware that you had konked out at some point. Actually, no, you do remember one or two things before you gave up on the waking world. You recalled that Karkat had still been awake, and that he'd put on yet another of his movies. You also remember that you'd managed to stay mostly upright on your own couch cushion, leaning closer to Jade than you were to the still awake Karkat.

  
That was no longer the case.

  
At some point during the night, Karkat had eventually passed out, joining the rest of the party in slumber. And, at some other point in the night, Bec had decided he wanted to snuggle with Jade and had pushed you over so you were no longer upright on your cushion.

  
You were leaning on Karkat.

  
Luckily for you, Karkat was still asleep. Double lucky for you, he was sleeping in a position that would make it incredibly easy for you to move away and act like it never happened. He was leaning precariously over the arm of the couch, curled up entirely onto the one cushion and using his own arm as a pillow. Your head had been between the back of the couch and Karkat's shoulder blades and your arms were wrapped around his waist in a way sleeping you must have found comfortable. Awake you was hot and had a crick in his neck. Wanting to distance yourself, you were now leaning up on the one arm that was still pinned mostly behind Karkat and attempting to extract yourself away from him without toppling him over.

  
You entertained the thought of what would happen if your did manage to accidentally knock Karkat off the couch and onto John. They would both probably wake up from the impact-or maybe not, John had fallen clean off the couch and stayed asleep. You were pretty sure one of them would wake up and make the other one wake up. John would probably say something about being flattered, but not being a homosexual, and Karkat would say something like he fell off the couch and John shouldn't flatter himself in a way that involved a lot more swearing and probably moving around. He talked with his hands almost as much as his mouth.

  
You briefly consider it, but think better of the decision in favor of not waking everyone up just for something that might be funny. You move slowly, wiggling your arm upwards and out of its stuck position and sitting up almost completely. At this point, you're leaning awkwardly, not directly on Karkat anymore but still closer than you'd like.

  
He shifts a bit and you freeze. If he wakes up now it'll look like you're watching him sleep and he'll probably think you're being a totally weird creep and withdraw his invitation to join the Midnight Crew.

  
But...isn't that essentially what you're doing?

  
You didn't even notice you were really doing it after you'd freed yourself, but yeah, you totally are. You're so glad Rose isn't awake to raise her eyebrow suggestively at you or to give you that look that she'd been giving you all night.

  
You do notice right then that Karkat's shirt had ridden up considerably when he shifted, which you don't think you would have noticed (or hoped you wouldn't have) if it hadn't been for the vibrant red slash mark sunken in on his abdomen.

  
...was that why he'd been so adamant about changing in a different room? You guess you got it, then. It was a pretty clear indication of his blood color, and after that story last night (you assume he'd gotten that nasty looking thing from the culling drones, but then again, what do you really know about him?) you could understand why he wouldn't want to show off something like that.

  
You did think it was kind of badass, though.

  
Karkat had been pretty uncomfortable about it, and you doubt he'd want to wake up to find the mark completely visible to anyone who looked over at him while he was asleep.

  
You decide to do something completely awkward while you are currently the only one awake to witness your own embarrassment.

  
You move to pull Karkat's shirt down as slow and carefully as possible, trying as best as you can to keep your fingers from brushing his skin. If he woke up now he would definitely take back his invitation and probably never talk to you again because this was far creepier than just watching him sleep.

  
Karkat makes a weird cricket chirpy noise and moves again, but thankfully doesn't wake up.

  
You decide to not push your current luck too hard and pull yourself up off of the couch, sparing a glare at Bec's sleeping fuzzy weird shepherd/labrador albino face. You want to flick him in the ear or something for the awkwardness you had to experience. You don't, because you want to keep your hand and also you're still sort of tired and you want coffee.

  
You pluck your shades off of the table where you'd left them during the Inigo discussion, which was how you were going to refer to it from now on, if only to just yourself, and put them back on your face where they belong. Now, off to the kitchen to find some coffee.

  
The kitchen, the crown jewel of the Crocker household, is full of high tech utensils, gadgets, and cutlery. There are cake recipes written all over on post-it notes in weird places, most of them written by Jane herself for later personal use.

  
That makes you wonder if she left a cake for you guys in the fridge. You're not even sure why you're wondering, because there's always a cake chilling in the fridge, ready for you all to eat for breakfast. The perfect unhealthy, sugary end to a perfect unhealthy, greasy movie night.

  
You open the fridge and yep, there you go. Cake.

  
Sometimes you love Jane Crocker. You really do.

  
You set to work making coffee, which takes all of two seconds because literally you just dump the grounds into the filter and pour an equal amount of water into the other thing and then you turn it on and you're done. Voila, coffee. Completely ready in about ten minutes. You consider digging into the cake, but decide against it and wait for everybody else to wake up first.

  
The sound of the coffee brewing is loud in the relative silence of the house, and you actually find the sound rhythmically soothing as you sit alone with your thoughts.

  
You think briefly about the scar on Karkat's stomach. It had seemed big, but you had only seen a small segment of it. The thing had cut in a downwards diagonal that you think began on his left pectoral and you knew disappeared into the waistband of his shorts.

  
You...really should stop thinking about Karkat or the waistband of his shorts. Like, right now.

  
For some reason your brain has been nagging at the thought of Terezi. Which is good, you like Terezi. Only, the thought that comes to mind is the story she told you so long ago about her friend.

  
You recall she'd said something about her friend getting slashed by a drone when she was three sweeps old, which was how old Karkat said he'd been when his lusus had died...

  
Maybe...

  
Maybe Karkat was the friend?

  
Holy shit, you're pretty sure that makes sense.

  
Except for the fact that Terezi said, without a shadow of a doubt, that her friend was dead. And Karkat was definitely not dead.

  
What the hell were you thinking? Just because both incidents happened around the same time didn't make them automatically connected. It's not like culling was unheard of in troll culture, you've seen the news, you weren't that naive. Those that were culled were usually older, though. Not that you could say this was an isolated incident, since you knew next to nothing about culling.

  
Yeah, yeah they was no way they were related. Karkat hadn't even mentioned a friend's presence at all, and you bet he would have if Terezi had been there. You're almost one hundred percent certain he would have at least mentioned it.

  
You're jumping to conclusions, what were you thinking?

  
There was no way that Karkat was Terezi's friend.

  
Terezi's friend was dead.

  
The coffee finishes brewing in perfect sync with the end of your theorizing and your sister's entrance glide into the kitchen.

  
"Dave." She yawns. "You're up early."

  
You nod and get up to pour a cup of coffee for yourself, gesturing towards a cup in a silent inquiry to your sister. She nods and you pour her a cup. "Yeah, and I regret every minute of it so far. Why would anyone suggest themselves to this kind of torture voluntarily? Early bird catches the worm is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. You know who got to sleep in? Ash Ketchum. And you know what he got for doing that? A motherfucking electric mouse. That's awesome. Oh my god, why is the sun up? Why? Why is it so bright out, Rose, it hurts my eyes and I'm wearing sunglasses. I can't imagine the pain it must be causing your unprotected eyes, just getting fucked over so early by the UV rays, getting all pregnant with eye babies which I'm pretty sure are just tears but whatever. Fuck, why aren't we nocturnal? Don't tell Karkat this, but I think his species was on the right track being up all night and sleeping all day. Why didn't we switch over to the superior scheduling when we had the chance, Rose? Why?"

  
You hand Rose her coffee and she smirks at you while she waits for you to finish your rant. "Are you done?"

  
You plop back down in your chair, almost sloshing coffee on your thin pajama bottoms. "Yeah, I'm done."

  
"Based on your obvious distaste towards early mornings, I have to wonder just what exactly you're doing up at such an hour? Especially since you were still awake when Jade and I went to sleep."

  
"I don't know, I just woke up and this was the time it was, which is a horrible and early time and why would anyone ever wake up this early on purpose. I couldn't get comfortable again when I woke up. I blame Bec for that. Man, now that I think about it, I'd have to get up earlier than usual anyway, I told Karkat we'd blow this joint by ten."

  
"Speaking of Karkat," Rose says, placing her coffee on the table. You don't think you like where this is gonna go. "are you finally open to discussing your relationship with him?"

  
You knew it. "There's nothing to discuss."

  
"Of course there is. You got yourself suspended in a thinly veiled blackrom solicitation and, from information I have gleaned from last week's memo, you also made quite the pale proposal towards him. I find this particularly interesting, since you have always claimed to not want to be involved with quadrants. So, are you absolutely certain that there's nothing to discuss?" She leans forward and looks at you with that expression you've nicknamed her Freud Face.

  
"No," you say, frustrated. It's too early for this shit. "there's still nothing to discuss, it was just a series of unfortunate misunderstandings. We're just..."

  
You were going to say "friends". But that begs the question: are you and Karkat friends? You think about it for a minute and decide that yes, after that discussion yesterday you could definitely consider yourself friends. Or at least in the shaky beginnings of a friendship that had gotten weirdly personal.

  
"We're just friends."

  
"Hm." Rose hums, sipping her coffee thoughtfully. You can see her smirk through the steam. "You got awfully quiet there for a moment, Dave. Were you having troubles categorizing your relationship with Karkat?"

  
Jade pops her head in, looking far too perky and bright eyed for someone who just woke up. "What about Dave's relationship with Karkat?"

  
"Oh my god, nothing!" You groan a little too loudly. "There is nothing to talk about because there is no relationship to speak of!"

  
"Dave, shh!" Jade scolds you with a finger to her lips. "John and Karkat are still sleeping!"

  
"Yes, she was only joking, Dave." Rose whispers, as if raising her voice will automatically wake them. "We can drop the subject for now, if you want."

  
"Yeah, I'd fucking love if we could drop it like it's hot." You don't like the fact that you automatically lowered your voice to match hers. "The subject."

  
"There's cake in the fridge." Jade says, joining in on the whispering as she leans against the counter, cup of coffee in hand. You don't even know why she drinks it, she doesn't need it. Honestly, none of the people who live here do.

  
"Thank you, Jade. That's very kind of you." Rose gets up to remove the cake from the fridge, leaning in close to you before she goes. "We can always discuss it at a later date. After all, I know where you live."

  
Then she winks and shuffles over to the fridge and you're left sitting there gripping your coffee cup in both hands and your mouth forming a very much annoyed line.

  
Rose is cutting the cake and divvying up the slices when a thump from the living room surprises her and causes her to drop the knife. For a moment you all remain in the kitchen, staying as quiet and still as possible. None of you are sure what happened until you begin to hear muffled voices from the living room.

  
You can make out John's tired, awkward and apologetic tone, quickly chased by Karkat's usual loud (but somewhat subdued) and insulting one.

  
You wonder briefly if maybe...

  
No, there's no way that actually happened.

  
But then again, you did leave him sitting pretty precariously on the couch.

  
You sort of hope it did happen.

  
As if to confirm your suspicions, Karkat says something to John and then enters the kitchen, dragging his feet and looking exhausted.

  
His expression is dark and he's mumbling to himself, and from the glossy look in his eyes you can say with utmost certainty that he's not fully awake yet. You decide not to talk to him until he's actually himself.  
Karkat stumbles around looking to all the world like a member of the undead, his gray troll skin doesn't exactly hurt the image when he's in a room full of humans and you can't even see his horns over his wild bedhead. You're honestly not sure how he got that, he stayed in the same position all night as far as you know. He makes it to the cupboard next to the coffeemaker and goes for a cup. But not just any cup, no.  
Last night you'd asked Karkat to get the biggest cup he could find and fill it with apple juice, a request he'd blatantly ignored. You'd just assumed he didn't want to expend the effort to find the biggest cup in the house, but now you knew that he had been saving the cup for himself, the sneaky bastard.

  
Once upon a time, Mr. Crocker took all of his kids (Jane, Jade, John, and Jake) on vacation to Universal Studios as a farewell gift before Jake went off to explore Jade's old jungle island home for what felt like a year but was closer to the ballpark of six or seven months. While they were souvenir shopping, John happened to spy this grotesque gem and bought it without thinking about it.

  
The thing in question was a cup crafted in the visage of Slimer, that really gross and annoying ghost from Ghostbusters, which was by far one of John's favorite movies aside from Con Air and Little Monsters.  
You recall his Little Monsters phase and shiver. You couldn't accept apple juice from John for months.

  
Not the point.

  
This Slimer cup was huge, and was mostly intended for decorative purposes, you're pretty sure. It was roughly the size of a gallon jug of milk, which was way too much for most people to drink in one sitting. Also, and this one cemented the idea of it being decorative in your mind forever, the lip of the cup was Slimer's mouth. No, not just a gaping, lipless maw. There were teeth, disgusting, horrible, all too realistic ceramic teeth sticking out of nasty looking gums. The inside of the cup was painted to look like the inside of his mouth, and damn if those artists hadn't been accurate. It looked like you were swallowing ghost vomit if you happened to look down at the cup while you were drinking. You'd honestly almost thrown up yourself the first couple times you used it, but you were fine now. You were cool. You learned not to look in the cup.

  
You did it all for the sake of laziness and apple juice. You could fit just about a whole bottle in there, meaning you could drink it al in one sitting. No getting up for you, man. No getting up for you.  
But you bore with having to get up yesterday because you figured Karkat, like most rational people, didn't realize that the Slimer was a cup. Or maybe he just hadn't seen it because it was pretty high up and way out of his line of sight. But no. He was just saving it for himself. Asshole.

  
Karkat stretched up to reach the Slimer cup, standing on his tip-toes and stretching his arm so far that you thought he was in danger of popping something out of place. His shirt rides up a little, revealing a sliver of smooth gray skin. You pretend not to notice.

  
You'd never been so glad that John kept his prized Slimer on the top shelf.

  
You all just watch Karkat struggle to get the cup for maybe a full minute before Jade takes pity on him and moves to get the cup down for him. He slaps her hand away.

  
"Karkat, I'm just trying to help!"

  
He glares at her. "I can do it myself."

  
"Karkat, it's fine, you don't have to. I'll just-"

  
He interrupts her, voice clipped and venomous. "I. Can. Do. It. My. Self."

  
He stares indignantly at Jade, and she holds the gaze. Tired Karkat doesn't seem to realize that he's gotten himself into what some scientists call The Danger Zone. He's forgotten that this is Jade Harley, one of the nicest, toughest, strongest, and smartest people in the known universe (or so you assume), and he just decided to snap at her after she magnanimously offered assistance.

  
There were two ways you saw this going down. One was Karkat getting punched in the face and probably being instantly knocked out. The other was Jade rolling her eyes and letting him continue his futile stretching. There was probably a third option, but your brain was still a bit sluggish.

  
Jade must have decided that she valued Karkat's friendship too much to do the first thing, so she huffed, rolled her eyes at him, and continued to watch him struggle at an easy task.

  
After about another minute of watching, you're honestly invested in Karkat's dilemma. You want to see if he gets the cup or if he gives up and just gets a normal sized one. You'll be sorely disappointed if that ends up being the case.

  
Karkat tries jumping, and at one point his fingers brush a green ceramic fat roll. Your breath caught in your throat for a second, but it was a false alarm. Nothing came of it. The cup stayed where it was.

  
Eventually, Karkat leaned completely against the counter, facedown, going practically boneless and making weird, agitated insect noises. Trolls were weird. Or maybe it was just Karkat. Karkat was weird.

  
Jade, who was still standing next to him watching the whole thing, patted him sympathetically on the shoulder. Could shoulder pats be sarcastic? It looked a little sarcastic.

  
"Are you ready to be a big boy and ask for help?"

  
He turned his head on his arms so he was glaring up at her again. "No. I said I would do it myself and I'm damn well gonna."

  
Karkat then hoists himself up onto the counter, scrambling in the same way you and your siblings used to when you were younger and your dad thought putting things out of arm's reach was a good way to keep things from you. He learned quickly.

  
Karkat stands up on the counter and yanks the cup off of the shelf. He jumps back down.

  
"Why didn't you just do that in the first place?" You wonder aloud.

  
Karkat rolls his eyes at you as he pours the remainder of the coffee (a little over half the pot) into the bottomless mouth of Slimer the ghost.

  
"Climbing on people's furniture is rude as fuck, and believe it or not I have some fucking standards."

  
He stomps over to the table, feet muffled by his socks on the tile floor, and flops down into the chair kitty corner to your own.

  
Karkat's face looks like it was being swallowed by Slimer as he drinks deeply from the giant cup. When he comes back up for air he looks more awake. His eyes are definitely alive now, that's for damn sure.

  
"Strider." He says, voice thick with sleep he was slowly but steadily smothering with caffeine. "Time."

  
"Why am I in charge of the time?"

  
"Because. You're the time guy. So. Time." He waves at you to get on with it and tell him.

  
"Why the hell am I the time guy? I don't get it. Why do you need someone else to tell you what time it is? Be your own person. You're an independent woman who don't need no man. You don't need anybody's fucked up version of chivalry to get you through the day. Or maybe you do. Maybe you're one of those people who gets off on other people doing exactly what you want them to in the name of gentlemanliness, all jumping through your god damn hoops of fire and too high expectations like some kind of trained animal. Well guess what, Karkat? Chivalry is dead, it died along with the knights of the round table who utilized it and the dragons who killed those stupid assholes who thought giving fair maidens the time of day would get them the golden key to their chastity belts. No, fuck that, that's one chastity belt I don't want the key to. I'm not giving you the time of day, Karkat. I'm not your god damn knight of time. Go find a fucking clock and read it yourself or give me a god damn good reason for asking me for that, you self righteous asshole."

  
Karkat blinks owlishly at you, face completely blank over the rim of the cup. "Strider, you're the only one wearing a watch."

  
Jade has the audacity to actually giggle as the red creeps slowly up your stoic face, and you can even see Rose stifling herself behind her hand.

  
Well, fuck them, too. You look at your watch. "It's 9:30."

  
Karkat nods his thanks and dips his head back into Slimer's mouth. This is when John and Bec finally make their appearances, John fully dressed and Bec bounding forward to where Karkat was seated. You still didn't know why Bec liked him so much. Seriously, what the hell?

  
"Oh, Karkat, cool you're still here!" John smiles, and it's kind of awkward and apologetic just like his tone had been earlier.

  
"Of course I'm still here, numb nuts, where else would I be?" Karkat drinks from the Slimer cup and does his best not to break contact with John as he does, as if claiming ownership to John's most prized possession just by using it.

  
"Well, after that thing in the living room, I just thought-" he doesn't tell you what he just thought and shrugs instead.

  
Jade looks interested. "What happened in the living room?"

  
"Yes, do tell."

  
Before John can open his mouth and recount his tale, Karkat is already launching into his side, loud and fast.

  
"Bec kicked me off the couch while I was asleep like the fucking dip ass he is -get off me! Jade, control your barkbeast- and I landed in a compromising position on top of John. John decided that right then was the perfect time to wake up and jump to the ridiculous conclusion that I was coming on to him in the most forward way possible, reminiscent of one Dave pale slut Strider, and told me again about how he wasn't a homosexual and wasn't into me like that. I had to inform John about the fact that I was completely over him, have been for years now, and he shouldn't be so fucking full of himself thinking I'm just going to swoon every time he flashes those big, highblood blue gander bulbs or suffer a failing bloodpusher every time he skips into a room. Seriously, way to read into a completely normal situation orchestrated by a dumbshit dog -why are you still licking me? I'm insulting you, I know you know what I'm saying about you. Hey, don't get on me! Ugh, god fucking damn it- then he started apologizing, pushed me off, and fucked off up the stairs to apparently put on the least attractive monstrosity of a shirt as I can only think a visual apology or maybe a masochistic type of punishment? Because there's no way in hell anyone with a functioning pan would want to wear that thing."

  
John looks like he's just been slapped. "What's wrong with my shirt?"

  
You take a look at it. "Dude, is that your old ghost slime shirt? I haven't seen you wear that since we were thirteen and you wore it everyday for like a year. You remember that, Rose?"

  
"Of course. How could I forget that?" She takes a plate and offers it to John. "Would you like some cake, John?"

  
He wrinkles his nose in disgust. "No, I'm not really feeling up for cake right now. Jane went through a lot of cakes this week before she decided that this one was perfect. We had to eat all the others."

  
Rose tilts her head and lowers the plate, quick to replace it with her coffee. "What do you mean?"

  
"Jake's back, so the gang was going to go celebrate which obviously means cake in Crocker speak. Plus we had an extra guest over here and Jane wanted to make sure that she made something everyone would enjoy." John shrugs. "Both those events basically doubled our usual weekly intake of cake."

  
"Tripled, more like." Jade chimes in.

  
"How are none of you diabetic?" You ask, not for the first or last time.

  
"Good genes?"

  
"Exercise?"

  
"Dumb luck?"

  
They both shrug, and Jade accepts a piece of cake from Rose.

  
"Karkat," Rose spoke, "do you still like John?"

  
Karkat almost drops his cup. "Rose, were you listening at all to what I just said or did it just get stuck in the wax in your aural cavity?"

  
"Yes, I was listening. That would be why I felt the need to ask. Most people, when facing that sort of situation with a friend, would simply explain what happened and get on with their day. You, however, took the opportunity to verbally eviscerate John as soon as you were both awake, prompting me to believe that, on a subconscious level, you still held something of a grudge against John for spurning your advances several years ago because his human sexuality didn't quite match your troll sexuality. This lead me to the conclusion that, since John has confided in me previously that your intentions had been blackrom, this grudge against him only fueled your desires for him instead of extinguishing them as you claim. However, I can't be certain because I am not a trained professional and I honestly don't know too much about how troll relationships really work. So I'll ask again, do you still like John?"

  
You watched Karkat's face darken with every step explained in Rose's process until it was tinted cherry red. He took a long drink from the Slimer cup once Rose was finished, but you think he was just using it to hide his utterly embarrassed face.

  
"Oh, wow, Karkat I'm sor-"

  
"No." Karkat interrupted. He put the cup down forcefully so it thumped on the wood. His face was back to an almost normal troll gray, if only slightly pinker than usual. "No, I don't still like John, and the fact that you used the word 'like' while being aware that I once thought I was black for him really does speak volumes about what you know about quadrants, which is absolutely bullshit nothing. Seriously, you probably know less than Strider, and that's saying something because he's a fucking panless idiot when it comes to quadrants. Rose, if you'd been listening, and I mean seriously listening instead of trying to fucking analyze me, you would know that I said that I was over John, and it was John who brought up the whole thing again by crying straight. As for me "verbally eviscerating him" that was nothing. That's just how I talk to people, especially to people who are being stupid fucking idiots about something that clearly wasn't a come on and would have been the worst come on in the history of come ons if it was! And, as I explained to John years ago, my black crush wasn't even really a black crush because I never actually hated him. So, actually, I guess my earlier answer to your question was wrong. Yes, despite all the stupid things that Egbert has done to me over the years, pranks, accidental cultural insensitivity, bad jokes, this, I still like John. As a friend. As for what you actually meant to ask me, no I don't still hate John, because that would require me hating him in the first place. So analyze that, you Freudian fuck."

  
Karkat flips her off and chugs the last of his coffee. You wonder briefly how much is too much for one troll's bloodpusher to handle at once. You'd previously thought half a Slimer was enough, but apparently that was wrong. He slams the cup back down on the table and wipes his mouth on the back of his hand, standing up as he does so.

  
"Strider." He says, voice clipped. "Time."

  
"9:45."

  
"Okay." He raises his arms over his head and stretches. "I'm gonna start packing up. In the meantime, I suggest you get dressed. We should be ready to go in the next five minutes. Rose, are you riding with us?"  
Rose, who had been swirling the remnants of her coffee and staring off into space, probably thinking about what Karkat had just yelled at her, you think, looks up. "What?"

  
"Are you riding with us? We need to be in New Can Town by ten."

  
She considers. "Well, if there's already someone heading towards New Can Town, I don't see the point in bothering Mr. Crocker into giving me a ride. Sure."

  
"Alright. You should probably be getting dressed, too, then. Unless you're comfortable walking around town in that." He indicates her pajamas.

  
"As comfortable as that walk would be, I think I'll change into more practical clothes."

  
"A wise decision, Miss Lalonde." Karkat concurs.

  
You and Rose stand up and walk out of the kitchen, Karkat stomping softly behind you until suddenly he's not. You turn around to see what the hold up is.

  
Jade had grabbed Karkat's hand when he walked by and was holding him hostage. "Karkat, where do you think you're going? You haven't even tried Janey's cake yet! She slaved over this thing, you know."

  
Karkat doesn't even put up a fight, he just shrugs and takes a piece. He's accepting a fork from Jade when he notices you in the doorway. You raise an eyebrow.

  
"I thought you were packing up?"

  
"And I will be. In a fucking minute. When I'm done with this cake."

  
"Alright. Eat fast, then, time's a-wastin'."

  
He glowers at you, takes the fork, and makes the slowest, most exaggerated bite you've ever seen. As he's chewing (also slow motion) he sets the fork down on the plate and slowly raises his middle finger at you.

  
You roll your eyes behind your glasses and leave him to his cake.

  
It's 9:54 when you get out to the car and head towards New Can Town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't find an actual Slimer cup, but I have the feeling if there was one like that then John would find it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Return of the pesterlogs.

Karkat makes quick work in yelling at you to hurry up and get in the god damn car, throwing the keys at you again.

  
"Okay, you seriously need to stop throwing shit!" You fumble in an attempt to catch them, but they slip out of your grasp.

  
Karkat rolls his eyes at you as he opens the passenger side door. "Maybe you should learn to fucking catch shit."

  
He's in the car before you can retort, and all you can do is grumble about what an inflamed asshole he is as you pick up the keys. You straighten up when Rose joins you at the curb.

  
"Is that really the car we're riding home in?" She whispers to you.

  
"Yup."

  
"It looks a little..."

  
"Awesome?"

  
"Unsafe."

  
"Oh come on, Rose, you're no fun!" You cross the street and get in the driver's side door. You roll down the window before she has the chance to move. "Get in loser, we're going shopping."

  
"No we're not!" Karkat shouts out your window, ruining your perfect Mean Girls reference. "We're going straight home! Now get the fuck in, Rose."

  
"Oh come on, dude, why you gotta wreck my reference like that?"

  
"We don't have time for you to be making pop culture references right now, even if they're from actual good movies. Shut up and drive."

  
"Rose!" You shout out the window. "Are you coming or not? Don't leave me alone with this douche!"

  
Your sister laughs at you behind her hand in that way that's supposed to be polite but you always felt came off as a bit too supercilious for your taste. She does as you ask and climbs into the back seat.

  
"Those dents in the body of the vehicle, are they-"

  
"Nothing." Karkat interrupts. "They're nothing."

  
"Really? Because it certainly looks like something." Rose says, unconvinced.

  
"No, it's seriously nothing. The dents are just caused by pebble spray from a really shitty dirt road." That was probably the most blatant lie you've ever heard.

  
"Dirt road? I wasn't aware of any in town."

  
"Believe me, there are."

  
You're pretty sure there aren't.

  
"Even if that is true, and I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one, this doesn't seem like the kind of car that one would take on a dirt road."

  
"You got me there, Rose. That's the exact fucking thing I've been saying for years. But does anyone listen to me? No. Strider, why the fuck aren't we moving yet?"

  
That was a pretty smooth transition into a different subject, you think. Also, a very good, very distracting question on his part.

  
"Because I haven't started the car yet." You turn the key in the ignition and the car sputters to life. "Hey, how come she's Rose but I'm still Strider?"

  
"Because I can actually stand her."

  
"Okay, ouch. I thought we were cool, man."

  
"Don't you have to actually be cool before you can be cool with another person?"

  
"He has you there, Dave."

  
"Aw, not you too, Rose!" You groan.

  
"Holy shit, can you drive any faster?" Karkat snaps. "I told Jack I'd be home by ten!"

  
"Well, whose fault is it that we got a late start, Mr. I'm Gonna Eat This Cake In The Slowest Way Possible Because I'm An Awful Assmunch?"

  
"Don't act like you're completely blameless in this, insipid shit noodle." He sneers at you. "You waited on the couch that whole time instead of changing like you said you would. This is your fucking fault."

  
"Yeah, well, you said you were right behind us. So the fault's all on you. Rose, back me up on this."

  
"I believe you're both at fault here." She says. What the fuck, she was supposed to agree with you. God dammit. "I was completely packed up and ready to go while the both of you were still arguing about Karkat's taste in films and being attacked affectionately by Jade's dog."

  
"Yeah, why does Bec like you so much?"

  
"I'm not sure. I don't even like barkbeasts."

  
"Then what the fuck? And you know what, Rose? This is as much your fault as mine. You just stood there pursing your lips and doing that eyebrow thing you like doing-"

  
"I don't have an eyebrow thing."

  
"Yes, you do."

  
"No, Dave, I don't. I believe I would know if I had an eyebrow thing."

  
"Karkat, look back there a minute. Is she doing the eyebrow thing?"

  
Karkat turns around in his seat and looks back at Rose for confirmation. "She's doing the eyebrow thing. The hell does that even mean? That's not something she usually does?"

  
"No, because I'm not doing anything." Rose insists.

  
"Yes, you are, and no, it's not a thing she usually does."

  
"Really? Because she was doing it a fucking lot yesterday."

  
"No, I wasn't."

  
"Yes, you were."

  
"You were, I saw it with my own look stalks."

  
"Okay, let's say I was. What of it?"

  
"Nothing, you were just doing that whole face while simultaneously trying to analyze my not relationship with shouty over here instead of helping. So, you're just as at fault as I am. Karkat, are you with me on this one?"

  
Karkat's not paying attention to you, he's sneering down at his phone.

  
"Yo, Karkat. What are you doing? Hello? What the hell are you doing not paying attention to me right now? Seriously, back me up here?"

  
"Strider, shut the fuck up. It's shit like this that's keeping you from first name basis."

  
"Karkat, you're so cruel to me. How would you like it if I started calling you by your last name?"

  
"Oh no, my last name? I don't think I'll ever be able to get through this. My poor bloodpusher is breaking. My fragile emotions! My vision is clouding over with the despair and shame of a thousand lonely, unstable wriggler-babies soaking in their own shit."

  
"Vantas, that was pretty fucking graphic and disgusting. Who are you talking to, anyway?"

  
Karkat growls at his phone. "I'm texting Jack, who's being a fucking difficult ass cactus about it, but what else is new?"

  
"Your guardian?" Rose leans forward in her seat. "What about?"

  
"About my love for Dane Cook what the fuck do you think?" He snaps.

  
"Whoa, Karkat, take it down a notch. I get that you're not a morning person but geez."

  
"I barely said anything! I've said so much worse to you in the last thirty seconds than that weak grub sauce."

  
"Well yeah, I won't deny that. But that one was directed at my sister. Only I'm allowed to talk to her like that."

  
"Thank you, Dave." Rose says, pretending to be touched. "I had no idea you felt that way. How chivalrous of you!"

  
"Where was your concern earlier this morning, then? You know, when I actually fucking yelled at her." Karkat replies, raising an eyebrow. "Anyway, I thought chivalry was dead, along with the knights who practiced it and the dragons who burned the stupid assholes alive?"

  
You need to focus more attention to the road, and less on your passengers.

  
"That rant mostly applied to you, specifically, and not to girls I'm related to. They get all the chivalry action they want. Service 24/7. You, on the other hand, you gotta fucking work to get any service. You get no reception up in this bitch. Maybe you need to pick a new cell phone provider, you ever think of that?"

  
"No, Strider." Karkat interrupts. "No, I never thought of that. Why the hell would I?"

  
"Clearly so you can maybe get some service here in the future."

  
"I suggest you stick with your current provider." Rose pipes up from the back. "Contrary to popular belief, the Strider Chivalry Service is not that great."

  
"Thank you, Rose. I'll keep that in mind. You hear that, Strider? No one wants your shitty services, not even your sister."

  
Rose changes the subject. "So I take it your guardian, Jack, didn't take the news of your delayed return home as well as he could have?"

  
"No," Karkat sighs wearily, "he took it as well as I fucking expected. Better, actually. But I'm supposed to be meeting my mom for brunch in about a half an hour and he refuses to explain to her why I might be late, which means I'll have to tell her. That's not exactly something I want to do, you know?" He yawns into the back of his hand. "Fuck, I'm tired."

  
"I feel you there, bro." You yawn in reply, damn those things are infectious.

  
"I'd like to remind the both of you that you've both had nothing but time to sleep this week, so the fact that you're both so exhausted while I, the one inhabitant of this car that actually had a schedule to adhere to, am fully awake, is particularly ironic. Is it not?"

  
"The only reason I do anything, Rose. For the ironies."

  
"Also the fact that you're driving while fatigued worries me."

  
"Come on, Lalonde, where's your sense of adventure?" You try to stifle the next yawn.

  
"Back at home, locked away in my book of the Zoologically Dubious."

  
With that last comment, you arrive at Karkat's place. You cruise slowly up the driveway, and the three of you exit the car.

  
"This is quite the colorful abode." Rose observes as she removes the bags from the back of the car.

  
"Yeah." Karkat nods. "My mom's a painter. Did the whole job all by her self. Got quite the eye for color, doesn't she?"

  
From the way he says it you don't think he's being sarcastic.

  
"I thought she was a nurse?"

  
"People can be more than one thing." He slings his bag over his shoulder and walks up the steps to the front door. He pushes the door open and turns to address the both of you. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm not very fond of either of you, so please fuck off of my lawn and enjoy your walk of shame back to your own hive. See you Monday."

  
He gives the both of you a little salute and disappears inside with a slam of the door.

  
You stretch. "Looks like we're hoofing it."

 

The walk home is short, and your sister tries to utilize the limited alone time to her advantage.

  
"Are you free to discuss your relationship with Karkat now?" Rose asks.

  
You were having a nice walk, enjoying the scenery and the fresh air and whatever until literally this moment. Not that you didn't like talking to your sister. Fuck, she was one of your best friends, your closest confidant, and damn you if you ever told her this, but you would also say she was the closest thing to a therapist you had. It was just...this topic in particular was one you couldn't talk about and didn't want to talk about on top of that.

  
"I'm currently at work on that information sweater," she says conversationally, "so I'll learn about whatever is happening between the both of you eventually. I just thought you'd rather tell me what's been going on in your own words."

  
Tell her about what's going on in your own words?

  
You learned through accidental eavesdropping that your dad is infiltrating a gang, and you decided the best way to make sure he was okay (ie, didn't blow his cover or act like himself at all) was to maybe get to know Karkat better and convince him to let you in to the gang yourself so you could keep a close eye on him and maybe be a diversion if anything came up. Somewhere during that simple, fool proof plan, you'd accidentally messed around with some of Karkat's relationships and learned more about the troll than you'd meant to. Somehow, everything still came up Strider in the end, but not until (and you were only just fully realizing what you had said last night) you told Karkat that you would maybe help him kill someone? Or maybe you told him it was okay to kill someone? You don't actually remember. You hope you'll never have to.

  
What Rose and everyone else knew for sure was a lot simpler. You'd met Karkat under inexplicable circumstances, gave some bad advice, there were some black sparks that flew between you in the hall last Monday, quickly followed by some accidental pale activity. You were quick to clear the damage from both explosive disasters and claimed non-quadrant friends.

  
Clearly your sister didn't believe you.

  
"Dave, I really don't mean to pry." Yeah, right. "You just don't usually make friends this easily, and I couldn't help but notice the interactions you had with Karkat in comparison with some of our other friends. It was...off, in a way that I'm not quite sure I grasp. Please, care to explain?"

  
What the hell were you supposed to tell her?

  
"Finish your sweater and you'll get your information." You finally say. "You can't just tap the source for free, you know? Maybe make me a sweater and I'll get back to you."

  
You walk a bit ahead of her when you see your can-apartment shining in the sunlight a short distance away.

  
You get into the building and take the stairs two at a time to avoid having to talk to your sister on the elevator. You're going to have to talk to her eventually, you know that. Someday, you know you'll tell her everything. It's an inevitability. That's not an option right now, though. Right now you have to think of a good cover story, you just need time to come up with something convincing. Only then will you talk to her about this.

  
You get there before the elevator, and it seems like you're free from having to talk to Rose until you run into Terezi in the hallway, working on yet another chalk masterpiece.

  
"Hey! The prodigal Dave returns!" Terezi cackles, licking chalk dust off of her hands as she rises to talk to you. "How was Egdork's party?"

  
"We watched Con Air again, and then kicked back and watched some things that were actually good. And Romeo and Juliet, at one point. I'm not a fan, no matter how fantastic an actor DiCaprio is." You shrug.

  
"Romeo and Juliet?" Terezi wrinkles her nose. "Whose idea was that?"

  
"Dave's new troll friend." Fuck, when did Rose get here? You hadn't even heard her approach.

  
"The only new troll I heard of was that guy that punched Dave."

  
"That's the one."

  
"Well, aren't you guys on the friendship fast track." You get a friendly punch in the shoulder.

  
"That's possibly not the only track." Rose comments, wry smile on her face.

  
Terezi makes that question mark face. Why does everyone you know make such weird facial expressions? Yours is totally normal!

  
Well, no, yours is completely void of expression most of the time. But hey, it's no twisted question mark or condescendingly raised eyebrow.

  
"What do you mean?" You see Terezi's eyes grow wide with curiosity behind her red tinted glasses.

  
"Well," Rose lowers her voice and puts her hand to the side of her mouth as if divulging important, top secret information, "I don't have all the details, but rumor has it that our young Strider has been courting his new troll friend in multiple quadrants, but with very little success."

  
You roll your eyes. Terezi tilts her head and furrows her eyebrows at you in confusion.

  
"I thought you didn't do quadrants?"

  
"I don't."

  
"He's trying to."

  
"No, I'm not!"

  
"Yes, you are."

  
"No."

  
"Yes."

  
"No."

  
"Yes."

  
"No, I'm fucking not."

  
"Yes, you clearly are. Times change, Dave. People change. I'm sure Terezi doesn't hold your present interest in quadrants against you. Do you, Terezi?"

  
"I don't really care if Dave does or doesn't do quadrants. That was years ago." She shrugs. "I'm over it. Besides, I have a moirail right now and a possible matesprit in the works."

  
You smirk knowingly. "Nepeta?"

  
Terezi grins. "Hopefully."

  
"Good luck on that." You nod and offer her a thumbs up. "I hope everything turns out well for you two."

  
"Thanks, I got my fronds crossed on this one."

  
Your phone buzzes and you check it discretely. Karkat's pestering you.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: HEY DOUCHEFUCK, MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO HAVE TO CONVERSE WITH THE LIKES OF YOU, I JUST REMEMBERED THAT THERE'S SOMETHING I DO ACTUALLY HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT. SO IF YOU COULD ANSWER YOUR PHONE THAT WOULD BE FUCKING GREAT.  
CG: HELLO? STRIDER? ARE YOU PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY MASTURBATING TO THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN BRAIN CELLS COMMITTING SEPPUKU EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH TO SPEAK?  
CG: SO FUCKING SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT I'M KIND OF IN A HURRY HERE, SO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND.  
CG: ANSWER  
CG: YOUR  
CG: PHONE  
CG: YOU  
CG: LOUSY,  
CG: SIMPERING,  
CG: USELESS,  
CG: SHIT SIPPING,  
CG: MAGGOT INFESTED,  
CG: INBRED,  
CG: FAILED ABORTION,  
CG: HELL SPAWN.

"I have to take this." You tell the duo. "Later."

  
The two wave absently to you as you escape inside, thankful for the excuse no matter how gray and caps locked. You drop your bag on the floor by the door and flop onto the couch, careful to make sure you're not sitting on a cat or some unfinished robot or something.

TG: alright alright im here hold your horses your lousy simpering useless shit sipping maggot infested inbred failed abortion hell spawn has entered the building  
TG: and thats mister lousy simpering useless shit sipping maggot infested inbred failed abortion hell spawn to you you dunkass  
TG: you said you wanted something  
CG: HOLY FUCK, IT SPEAKS! IT'S ALIVE! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, WHATEVER DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH A BLESSING IN THE FORM OF A PERT LIPPED, BESHADED DOUCHE IN HIPSTER CLOTHING! IT'S A TWELFTH PERIGEE'S EVE MIRACLE! HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH, THERE IS A GOD AND HE IS A GOD OF RELENTLESS MIRTH AS THE HIGHBLOODS ALWAYS FORETOLD! CAN I GET AN AMEN, MOTHERFUCKER?   
TG: amen  
TG: that metaphor or whatever it was took a weird turn somewhere around its a miracle im sorry im not able to answer every beck and call  
TG: or you know pesterchum  
TG: immediately i mean believe it or not i do have a life  
TG: its pretty boring and full of cats but its a life and its mine and i wouldnt have it any other way  
TG: i mean i could go for more aj and less cats but otherwise im good  
TG: so that thing you wanted to talk about  
TG: since youre kind of in a hurry here or whatever  
TG: oh right you were going out with your mom later you big dork or is that right now  
CG: I'M LEAVING IN TWENTY MINUTES TO GO MEET UP WITH HER, WHICH WAS WHY I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU BEFORE I FORGET AGAIN AND THINK OF SOMETHING WAY MORE IMPORTANT OR AT LEAST LESS IRRITATING THAN ANYTHING INVOLVING YOU.  
CG: REMEMBER EARLIER WHEN I SAID SEE YOU MONDAY?  
TG: yes i do recall this  
CG: THAT WAS A LIE. I'LL ACTUALLY BE SEEING YOU WAY EARLIER THAN MONDAY, THAT IS IF YOU TOOK MY INVITATION INTO THE CREW SERIOUSLY. ON A TEMPORARY  BASIS.  
TG: this i also vaguely recall yes what about it  
CG: I JUST REMEMBERED THAT WE'RE HAVING A MEETING LATER TONIGHT, AND IF YOU REALLY MEANT WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT THEN YOU'LL FUCKING BE THERE.  
TG: ah yes during the great inigo discussion  
TG: thats what im calling it by the way  
TG: anyways yeah ill try to be there or be square or any other geometric shape that losers tend to take these days  
TG: so theres a meeting today what time is that  
CG: I'M GOING TO LEAVE A TRAIL OF FINISH CRUMBS HERE UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND WHY THAT QUESTION WAS STUPID.  
CG: .......  
CG: .......  
CG: .......  
CG: THIS IS TAKING YOU SURPRISINGLY LONGER THAN I EXPECTTED. I THINK I MAY HAVE OVERESTIMATED YOUR CAPACITY FOR THOUGHT.  
TG: no I  
TG: its midnight isnt it  
TG: because midnight crew what other time would you have a fucking meeting  
TG: are you kidding me  
CG: I WISH I WAS, BELIEVE ME. I'M NOT IN CHARGE OF THE CREW OR THE GOD DAMN SCHEDULING. NOT THAT I HAVEN'T FUCKING SUGGESTED A MORE REASONABLE TIME ON MULTIPLE  OCCASIONS, BUT NO. NOBODY LISTENS TO ME. AT LEAST NOT WHEN IT'S ANYTHING IMPORTANT.  
TG: well it sounds like being you sucks but lets focus on me for a minute how exactly am i supposed to make a god damn midnight meeting without my family finding out  
CG: IF YOU WERE ANYONE ELSE I WOULD SAY YOU WERE SMART OR HAD SOMETHING OF A FUNCTIONING PAN AND COULD FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF, BUT SINCE YOU'RE YOU I HAVE A DIFFERENT MESSAGE.  
CG: FIGURE IT OUT OR I'M TERMINATING YOU.  
TG: oh wow youre really gonna hire robot arnold schwarzenegger to come and murder me from the future isnt he too busy being governor of california or something  
TG: wait no if hes from the future then he could be maybe not governing a state or something maybe hes president by now probably not anyway karkat gotta say thought i appreccate the effort it seems like its a bit too much i mean couldnt you just come over to my house and strangle me if you want or at least hire an assassin from this time period whos not a politician  
CG: DAMN IT, STRIDER, I'M AWAY FROM MY PHONE FOR LESS THAN A FUCKING MINUTE AND I COME BACK TO BRIGHT RED ASININE DRIVEL ALL OVER MY SCREEN THAT MAKES ME QUESTION EVERY CHOICE I'VE EVER MADE THAT LED TO THIS EXACT POINT IN TIME.  
CG: I KNEW IT. I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE EATEN THAT GRUBLOAF LAST WEDNESDAY. NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED AND I WOULD BE HAPPY.  
CG: OR AT LEAST, MY BULBS WOULDN'T BE ASSAULTED BY SUCH A REVOLTING COLOR.  
TG: okay first of all hypocrite  
TG: second of all dont worry about me or the revolting color of my text i mean the gray walls i receive are always such a treat its like the fucking iron curtain of text and im every country not in the soviet union so i just get to look at it and watch whatever goes on inside while being completely unable to stop the events until eventually the cold war happens and then the union breaks apart youre the union in this situation by the way  
TG: as for the actual meeting ill find a way to get there no need to call the representatives from the west coast to come for me just yet  
TG: when are you hanging out with your mom again  
CG: NOT LONG FROM NOW, JACK'S ACTUALLY YELLING AT ME RIGHT NOW TO HAUL ASS AND HEAD THE FUCK OUT TO GO MEET UP WITH HER. HE'S DRVING, OBVIOUSLY, SINCE I HAVEN'T MAGICALLY ACQUIRED A LICENSE IN THE LAST TEN MINUTES, SO I'LL PROBABLY CONTINUE TO TALK TO YOU UNTIL WE'VE ACTUALLY REACHED THE PLACE. AFTER THAT DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING TALK TO ME.  
TG: okay noted hey how come you call your one guardian jack and the other your mom  
TG: unless she actually birthed you but im pretty sure you guys dont even do the whole womb thing and are hatched like reptiles and bugs and platypi  
TG: point is hey how come that thing i said  
TG: is that a rude question i honestly dont know  
CG: STRIDER, THAT QUESTION WAS SO RUDE THAT I WANT TO SLAP IT IN THE FACE AND THROW A DRINK AT IT. UNFORTUNATELY, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVEN'T HEARD IT A MILLION  FUCKING TIMES BEFORE. SO MANY TIMES, IN FACT, THAT I ACTUALLY STARTED TO ANSWER THE DAMN THING IN BETWEEN SCATHING INSULTS. SO I GUESS I COULD TELL YOU, TOO, YOU IGNORANT PISS ANT.  
TG: ouch  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME ANSWER YOUR QUESTION.  
CG: THE ANSWER IS PRETTY SIMPLE. SO SIMPLE I THINK EVEN SOMEONE LIKE YOU COULD PROBABLY UNDERSTAND IF I EXPLAINED IT WITH THE SMALLEST AND EASIEST WORDS POSSIBLE.  
CG: I CALL MS. PAINT MY MOM BECAUSE AFTER THE ADOPTION WAS OFFICIAL SHE ASKED IF I WOULDN'T MIND CALLING HER THAT. IT TOOK SOME GETTING USED TO, BUT EVENTUALLY I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.  
CG: WHY I STILL CALL JACK BY HIS FIRST NAME IS A PRETTY SIMILAR STORY. HE ASKED ME TO JUST KEEP CALLING HIM JACK AND NOT TO TREAT HIM ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN I ALREADY WAS BEFORE THAT.  
TG: okay but why is the real question here if there even is a reason  
CG: I THINK IT WAS PROBABLY BECAUSE I USED TO CALL MY LUSUS MY DAD? I DON'T REALLY KNOW FOR SURE, I NEVER BOTHERED TO ASK.  
TG: wait i thought trolls didnt do the whole mom/dad thing and just had giant monster caretakers and whatever  
CG: MY LUSUS WAS DEFINITELY A GIANT CRAB MONSTER, BULGE GULPER. YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND THAT YOUR STUPID AS SHIT HUMAN CULTURE IS FUCKING OMNIPRESENT IN PLACES LIKE LITTLE ALTERNIA, WHERE YOUR DUMB ASS HUMAN TERMS OF ENDEARMENT ARE THROWN AROUND WILLY FUCKING NILLY ALL OVER THE PLACE TO GET US ALIENS USED TO YOUR WEIRD WAYS SO WE CAN ACTUALLY FUNCTION IN YOUR BACKWARDS SOCIETY. SO, TO GET OURSELVES USED TO THE FUTURE PREDICAMENT WE ALL FIND OURSELVES IN ON THIS PLANET, WE APPROPRIATED SOME OF YOUR WORDS FOR OUR OWN BENEFIT. THE TERMS YOU USED FOR YOUR RESPECTIVE PARENTAL UNITS JUST HAPPENED TO BE ONE I PARTOOK IN.  
TG: i see thank you for the unnecessary and unappreciated lecture on troll culture my loud windbag but what the fuck does that have to do with jack not wanting you to call him that even though the missus clearly does  
CG: DESPITE HOW FUCKING AWFUL JACK IS ALL THE TIME, HE CAN ACTUALLY BE LESS OF AN INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE THAN EXPECTED. LIKE I SAID, I USED TO CALL MY LUSUS MY DAD, AND JACK KNEW I'D ONLY JUST LOST HIM. IT WAS ACTUALLY A REALLY NICE GESTURE ON HIS PART, NOT ASKING ME TO CALL HIM DAD. I WOULD HAVE FELT OBLIGATED TO DO SO EVEN IF HE SAID I DIDN'T HAVE TO. EVEN IF I WASN'T REALLY FUCKING OKAY WITH IT.  
TG: so he told you to call him jack and not treat him like your dad because essentially youd just lost your dad and he was being a sensitive nice guy  
CG: YEAH, YEAH THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING. THANK YOU FOR SUMMARIZING LITERALLY EVERYTHING I JUST SAID IN GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT LOWERCASE.  
CG: FUCK, NOW THAT I SAID THAT I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD PROBABLY THANK HIM OR SOMETHING? IS THAT WEIRD? I MEAN THE WHOLE THING WAS TEN YEARS AGO AND I HAVEN'T SAID  ANYTHING SINCE.  
TG: then maybe dont i feel like this isnt exactly the best time for that i mean hes driving you to hang out with your mom id wait until he wasnt escorting you someplace and you had more time and also an escape plan in case things get weirdly emotional but thats just me  
CG: NORMALLY I WOULD REPLY WITH SOMETHING VICIOUS AND TEAR YOU APART VERBALLY, YOU CUM GUZZLER, BUT THAT'S NOT TOO TERRIBLE AN IDEA COMING FROM SOMEONE WITH A LOADGAPER FOR A THINKPAN.  
CG: WE'RE HERE, I'M TURNING OFF MY PHONE. I'LL SEE YOU LATER TONIGHT.  
CG: BE THERE OR BE A FUCKING LAME-ASS GEOMETRIC SHAPE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

You turn off your phone and groan into a pillow. Midnight meeting. That was just your luck. You'd just finished your grounding, if you were caught sneaking out, then that was the end. You'd never see the light of day again.

  
It occurs to you that you might not be caught sneaking out of the apartment. You could be caught at the actual meeting.

  
You wonder what the punishment would be for being out past you curfew so you could go to a gang meeting.

  
Probably not good.

  
You roll over on the couch, and Jaspers jumps onto the arm and paws you in the face. You don't even bother to swat him away. Fuck, you're so tired.

  
You have a feeling it's going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be some possible Neprezi in the future, but I dunno at this point. We'll see what happens.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me forever to get the pesterlog to something sort of acceptable. I'm okay with how it turned out.

It's 11:30 on a Saturday night and you're not entirely sure on what your escape plan is. You're sitting on your bed, jamming to your own homegrown sick beats and drinking yet another cup of coffee. You tend to be more active at night, but you weren't willing to risk accidentally falling asleep and missing your first meeting.

  
It seemed like that might be the case, anyway, though.

  
Dirk and Roxy came back a couple of hours after you and Rose returned. Roxy said hi to you and then passed the fuck out. She was currently still in the living room, snoring like a lumberjack under a pile of cats. You weren't worried about her.

  
Dirk, on the other hand, was an entirely different story. He'd come in, nodded to you, and then promptly disappeared into your shared bedroom, where you assumed he was tinkering with his newest robot design or looking at horses or whatever other hobby struck his interest at the moment. When you finally went to your room yourself after fucking around doing nothing all day, you found you had assumed correctly.  
Normally, this wouldn't really matter all that much. You'd probably just do your own thing while Dirk did his on the other side of the room, as usual. At some point you would ask him how the night had gone and subtly coerce information about his relationship with Jake out of him so you could talk about it.

  
You kind of felt like Rose when you did that, but you didn't care. You liked talking about this shit with your bro, it was still a new experience for you. You and Dirk had never really been all that close, there was this weird distance you didn't really understand at the time and therefore couldn't bridge properly. Once you came out to him as bisexual, though, the bridge began to build itself.

  
Congratulations, you just wasted five minutes thinking about your relationship with Dirk and were no closer to escape than you were before.

  
If you waited for too much longer you weren't going to make it. From the looks of it Dirk's not going to just let you go quietly. You're going to have to come up with a good plan. A foolproof plan. Like, right now.  
You take off your headphones and swing your legs off the bed, readjusting your shades as you stand. You amble towards the door. For a second it seems like you're home free, but then you reach for the door knob.

  
"Are you going somewhere, bro?"

  
Shit.

  
You turn around and there's Dirk, leaning casually in his swivel chair and looking at you over his pointy shades. You'd kind of hoped you could just walk out and not be questioned at all. Honestly, you should have known better.

  
"Well?"

  
You opened your mouth even though you had no idea what you were going to say. Then it occurred to you. The perfect excuse and compromise, at least when it came to Dirk. You felt really bad about it, but you had to.

  
You needed to get to that meeting. Pronto.

  
"I'm going to meet Karkat." At least you're being partially honest. "That troll from last week?"

  
Dirk crosses his arms. "This late at night?"

  
"We figured it was probably the best option. Obviously our families wouldn't exactly be cool with us getting together after our mishap last week."

  
"Mishap." Dirk repeats, unconvinced. "Is that really what you're going with here?"

  
You have a slimy feeling in your stomach. "Yeah, that's what I'm going with, because that's what fucking happened. I've been trying my hand at quadrants lately-"

  
"But I thought you didn't do-"

  
You interrupt his interruption. "Things change, dude. I thought I would expand my horizons a little, you know? Point is, I've been attempting quadrants and turns out I'm a classic vacillator." You shrug. "Things just got a little too black a little too fast and we lost control of the situation. We've been working through it, though, and I don't think we'll be trying that again any time soon. Mostly we've been focusing on aspects that are more..."

  
You trail off, not wanting to finish.

  
"Red?" Dirk suggests quietly.

  
You nod.

  
Dirk rubs at his eyes under his shades and sighs loudly. "If that's the real reason, then I guess I get it. I don't approve, but I get it."

  
Dirk twirls his chair back around and goes back to whatever he was doing. "Go on, go." He waves you away. "Just do me a favor."

  
"What?"

  
"Don't get caught."

  
You nod. "Wouldn't dream of it."

  
You leave the apartment and exit the building without further interruption, making your way down town in the dead of night with nothing but your phone and a mini flashlight to keep you company. And your thoughts. Don't forget about those.

  
You hate that you lied to Dirk and told him you were dating Karkat, but you couldn't think of anything else off the top of your head. It's not like you could tell him the truth, though. You couldn't tell anyone the truth about what you were really up to.

  
You suppose that's just something you'll have to learn to deal with.

  
Your phone buzzes in your pocket.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: A COUPLE LAST MINUTE THINGS BEFORE YOU GET HERE, SINCE I ASSUME THAT'S STILL THE PLAN? IF IT'S NOT, THEN WAKE UP ASSHOLE AND ANSWER THE PHONE. I'D LIKE TO GET THE BAD BUT NOT COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED NEWS OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE I HOLD THE MEETING UP WAITING FOR YOU AND MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE DOUCHE.  
CG: I'M TAKING THIS SILENCE ON YOUR PART AS A GO AHEAD TO CONTINUE, SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO. FIRST OF ALL, DON'T USE THE FRONT DOOR. GO AROUND THE BACK. I'D TELL YOU WHICH ONE BUT I'M CERTAIN EVEN AN IDIOT LIKE YOU COULD FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF. IF YOU CAN'T, THEN OBVIOUSLY I OVERESTIMATED YOUR COMPETENCY. HONESTLY, THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING IMPRESSIVE CONSIDERING HOW LITTLE FAITH I ALREADY HAVE FOR YOU.  
CG: SECONDLY, YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE THE REASON WHY I LET YOU IN.  
TG: karkat my rugged good looks speak for themselves  
CG: YES, YOUR RUGGED GOOD LOOKS, OBVIOUSLY. IF BY RUGGED GOOD LOOKS YOU MEAN THE FACT THAT YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A ROTTEN APRICOT FRECKLED WITH MOLD BEING SQUEEZED IN A PLASTIC BAG BY A DEMENTED CHILD AND A RABID, BALDING ALBINO WOMBAT.  
CG: I MEANT DURING THE WHOLE INIGO DISCUSSION, WHICH I AM LOATHE TO SAY IS ACTUALLY NOT TOO HORRIBLE OF A NAME AND I WILL BE REFERRING TO IT AS THAT. YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE WHAT I TOLD YOU.  
TG: okay but why i feel like is an important question i should ask  
CG: BECAUSE FUCK YOU IS WHY  
TG: no like actually why i need more to go off of whats my motivation help me karkat my character is struggling for meaning  
CG: OKAY, HERE'S THE THING, JUST SO YOU SHUT UP FOR ONCE MAYBE.  
CG: ALL THAT STUFF I TOLD YOU ON FRIDAY? ABOUT AVENGING MY LUSUS AND SHIT?  
CG: I NEVER ACTUALLY TOLD ANYONE ELSE. EVER. NOT EVEN KANAYA, AND SHE WAS PRACTICALLY FUCKING THERE. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS ABOUT THIS. NO ONE ELSE *SHOULD* KNOW ABOUT THIS.  
TG: so no one else actually knows about your little murder plan except for yours truly  
CG: SPOT ON, ASSHOLE. YOU SEE MY DILEMMA.  
TG: okay but heres a different question why the hell did you tell me if this is so secret or whatever i mean we met like last week what the fuck  
CG: I GUESS IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE NO ONE'S EVER BOTHERED TO ASK ME WHAT THE FUCK MY MOTIVATION IS IN ALL THIS? EVERYONE SEES ME AS SPADES SLICK'S KID SO THEY THINK IT'S JUST ME EMBRACING THE FAMILY BUSINESS LIKE I'M SOME BRAINLESS IDIOT WHO CAN'T MAKE HIS OWN LIFE CHOICES. AND-BELIEVE ME I KNOW HOW BACKWARDS THIS NEXT PART IS GOING TO SOUND, SO I'M GOING TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW TO PREMATURELY SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I SNAP YOUR SHADES IN HALF AND STUFF THE SHATTERED BITS DOWN YOUR ESOPHAGUS UNTIL YOU FUCKING CHOKE ON THEM OR START BLEEDING INTERNALLY, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST- I FIND YOU WAY MORE TRUSTWORTHY THAN SOME OF THESE DOUCHEBAGS BECAUSE I MET YOU IN THE POLICE STATION.  
TG: youre right that does sound backwards and doesnt make sense go on  
CG: OH, I'M GOING TO. DON'T YOU EVEN THINK YOU COULD FUCKING STOP ME EVEN IF YOU WANTED TO, STRIDER. LIKE I WAS SAYING;THE FACT THAT YOU WERE THERE WAITNG ON THAT BENCH, LOOKING BORED OUT OF YOUR PAN AND LIKE YOU WANTED TO BE ANYWHERE ELSE BUT WHERE YOU WERE BUT WERE COMPLETELY RESIGNED WITH YOUR CURRENT SITUATION MADE IT PRETTY CLEAR THAT YOU WERE IN THE SAME POSITION AS I WAS. THAT YOU WERE STUCK THERE TOO, WAITING FOR SOME FUCKER

Well, he wasn't wrong. You _were_ waiting for someone at the time.

MADE IT SEEM LIKE WE WERE PRETTY GOD DAMN SIMILAR AT THAT MOMENT. AND THAT SIMILARITY MADE YOU SEEM ODDLY TRUSTWORTHY. BUT THEN YOU OPENED YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND I THOUGHT DAMN, ISN'T MY SENSE OF JUDGEMENT WAY OFF. SO I JUST DECIDED TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHITTERY FOR AWHILE, AND BEFORE I KNEW IT I HAD A BOOK FULL OF DICKS AND CASH FOR THE DAMAGES, AS WELL AS YOUR CHUMHANDLE. SO I THOUGHT SHIT, LET'S BUG THIS NEW WEIRD ASSHOLE. TURNED OUT YOU WERE JUST AS ANNOYING ON THE KEYBOARD AS YOU WERE IN REAL LIFE, BUT YOU WEREN'T AS COMPLETE AN IDIOT AS I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE, AND YOU WEREN'T THE WORST PERSON I'D EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF CHATTING WITH. I HONESTLY DIDN'T FIND YOU AS HORRIBLE AS YOU PROBABLY PERCEIVED I DID UNTIL AFTER I TOOK THAT ROMANTIC ADVICE FROM YOU, WHICH WAS A BAD MOVE ON BOTH OF OUR PARTS. CG: FUCK, I'M PRACTICALLY GAGGING WHILE TYPING THIS. THAT WAS WAY TOO SACCHARIN FOR MY OWN TASTE, AND I'M THE ONE WHO FUCKING TYPED IT. THE FACT THAT I CAN SAY ALL THAT WHILE MEANING EVERY GOD DAMN WORD IS DEPRESSING AS SHIT. DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M GETTING AT, STRIDER?  
TG: i do believe i am picking up what youre laying down youre right this is so sweet i can feel my teeth rotting in my mouth hello new cavity i am dave TG: hey if i hadn't given any advice at all do you think you would have let me in quicker since you apparently didnt hate me like i definitely thought you did seriously dude could have fooled me in fact you did fool me  
CG: FUCK NO. YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT THESE THINGS. I CAN'T JUST BE LETTING EVERY ASSHOLE WHO LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT BE OKAY IN, NOW CAN I?

You're suddenly so thankful you kept your original last name. This way there was nothing connecting you to the police or your father at all, really. Except for sealed adoption papers that didn't even go into detail about what he did for a living at the time. Thank god for that.

TG: so like is that all you just do a little background check and then boom youre in  
CG: NO, THAT'S NOT FUCKING IT. THAT'S JUST THE FIRST STEP. I DON'T MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS IN THE CREW, YOU KNOW. I RARELY MAKE ANY OF THEM, REALLY. I'M ONLY IN CHARGE OF THIS ONE THING, SO I HAVE TO MAKE DAMN SURE I'M DOING IT RIGHT. NO, AFTER THE "LITTLE BACKGROUND CHECK" I DISCUSS IT WITH MEMBERS OF THE GROUP. LUCKILY FOR YOU, YOU ALREADY HAD A FEW CHARACTER WITNESSES IN THE GROUP TO VOUCH FOR YOU.  
TG: wait who the fuck did you talk to about me are there people i know there  
CG: STRIDER, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU KNOW AND WHO YOU DON'T. I CAN TELL YOU THIS MUCH, THOUGH, A TROLL WHOSE OPINION I TRUST COMPLETELY SAID IT MIGHT NOT BE THE WORST IDEA I EVER HAD TO LET YOU JOIN. AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE BIT.  
TG: the only troll i can think of that i know and that you probably trust is kanaya is she in the gang actually yeah that makes sense i guess why wouldnt she be in shes like your best friend or whatever  
TG: wait so are you saying kanaya said i was a chill person and you rolled with it  
TG: are you saying im in because i hooked you up with your new bestie quadrant  
TG: karkat is that what youre saying oh my god it is i think i love quadrants now karkat i love them i want to be in quadrants with quadrants i want to be quadrants^2 what do i do how do i do that karkat i dont understand these new feelings im experiencing holy shit  
CG: HOLY FUCK WHATEVER, JUST SHUT UP, YOUR ATTRACTION TOWARDS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND ISN'T IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP SOMETHING TO YOURSELF FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE OR DO WE HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM HERE?  
TG: nope no problem here i will guard this secret with my life my lips are sealed like a fucking safe the kind of safe even safe crackers cant even get into or at least not the amateurs anyway youd need like twenty pounds of explosives to crack open these babies and even then it wouldnt matter because i probably wouldnt survive being blown to smithereens do you see all the shit i do for you karkat are you witnessing this  
TG: im at your door soon you will have to witness me and my locked up lips  
CG: REMEMBER YOU GO THROUGH THE BACK, FUCKFACE.  
TG: yeah yeah i got it see you inside

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 

You suddenly understand what he meant about the door. You flash your flashlight at it just to make sure you're seeing it right and yep, you are.

  
Stenciled in broad strokes on the door are card suits, the symbols used to identify the four heads of the Midnight Crew. Coincidentally, they also happen to be the symbols used to categorize relationships among trolls. You don't miss the double meaning here.

  
But seriously, painting that on the door so blatantly was just like screaming 'the Midnight Crew was here'

  
You sincerely wonder how they haven't been busted before.

  
You approach the door and, because you're not a rude asshole, knock. You also feel like it would be funny if you actually did disrupt a meeting and make Karkat come answer the door just because you thought you'd give being polite a try.

  
It takes longer than you expected for someone to answer the door, and you consider just opening the door and walking in when it finally swings open.

  
There's definitely a troll on the other side of the door, but it's not Karkat. This new troll is about as tall as you and had two sets of horns as opposed to the common single set and had on a weird pair of 3D glasses that you've never seen anybody wear outside of a movie theater.

  
He's blocking the doorway with his entire body and is leering at you, lip curled back and exposing a row of sharp fangs.

  
"Who the fuck are you?"

  
"Dave. Who the fuck are you?"

  
"Thollux."

  
"Thollux?"

  
"No, Thollux. With an eth." Oh, you get it. He has a lisp. Understandable given the fact that his front teeth are all fangs.

  
"Alright, Sollux. Got it." You give him a thumbs up. "Now can I come in or what?"

  
"That dependth on what the hell you want." He readjusts so he's leaning against the door frame but still blocking.

  
"Okay maybe I wasn't clear enough. I'm Dave. Strider." No recognition behind the red and blue glasses. You guess Karkat probably didn't tell the others about you. "Karkat invited me."

  
Sollux crosses his arms and moves away from the door, now there's just a sneaker blocking your path.

  
"KK, thome prick ith here thaying you invited him?" He shouts into the house.

  
"About fucking time, get the hell in here!" Karkat's voice comes loud and clear from wherever he is.

  
Sollux sighs and removes his foot from the door, you are now free to come in. "KK thaid you could come in."

  
Sollux gestures for you to follow him, but doesn't wait to make sure you are before shambling off. You're quick to pursue.

  
"Tho," Sollux says as he leads you down a couple of dark corridors, "you wear thunglatheth at night?"

  
Jesus, it's like a fucking maze. You wonder briefly if the halls echo nicely or if their voices just carry that well. "Yeah, and you wear your 3D glasses outside of the theater."

  
"They're not 3D glatheth douthebag. They're anaglyph."

  
You almost trip down an unexpected flight of stairs. You were not warned about these stairs, bro. Luckily the flight is short, but then you're plunged into the dark. Does this place not have lights or something  
"I don't know what the fuck that means."

  
"It meanth I've got fucking thtyle and you're jutht thome practically blind prick in thadeth in the middle of the night."

  
"Sollux shut the fuck up, you're just as bad. Hell, you might even be worse. I was with you and Aradia when you stole those dumbass 3D glasses after Journey to the Center of the Earth. At least Dave paid for his shitty eyewear."

  
Sollux stops moving, path inexplicably blocked by Karkat. You've reached wherever the fuck you were trying to go.

  
"That movie was thit and you know it."

  
"Hey," you say absently as you look past the both of them and peer into the room, "don't knock Brendan Frasier."

  
"Then don't knock my glatheth."

  
Holy shit, it's like every troll you've ever met are all gathered into one room.

  
"Dave, hi! Did you get the notes I left with your sister?" Aradia, from your class on ancient civilizations, stands up from her seat and waves you over.

  
"Um, Aradia? I can see all your cards." Says the troll with the giant horns from the police station-Tavros. His name was Tavros, you just remembered.

  
"It's still my purrn!" Nepeta bangs her fist on the table once in an attempt to get the other player's attention. "Gamzee, do you have any fleas?"

  
"Threes." Equius amends for her.

  
Gamzee shakes his head, a lazy smile on his face. "Sorry my kitten sis, go motherfucking fish."

  
Seriously, is every troll you know in the Midnight Crew?

  
"Yo, Karkat, don't look now, but I'm pretty sure your ex is here."

  
Karkat and Sollux stop whatever the hell they were talking about to look at you.

  
Karkat rolls his eyes. "Yes, Strider. He's part of the crew. If I couldn't separate between my professional and personal life then I'd be a terrible excuse for a god damn leader."

  
"You already are a terrible excuthe for a god damn leader, athhole. You're only "in charge"-note the enclothure talonth here-becauthe your houthe ith the biggetht and you threw a fucking bitch fit about being in charge."

  
"Fuck you, that was four fucking years ago you can't keep bringing that shit up all the time, douchebag!"

  
"I'll thtop bringing it up when it thtopth being relevant." Karkat's practically growling at the other guy at this point, and what he says next isn't going to help him out, you don't think. "And thinthe when ith Gamthee your ex? You guyth broke up and you forgot to tell your betht friend? Thatth cold, KK, real cold."

  
Karkat stops growling and sighs heavily instead, rubbing his forehead with one hand. "It just happened last week. I didn't tell you because I figured you wouldn't care."

  
"You're right, I really don't. I thtill like knowing tho I can properly prepare for whatever emothional tirade you plan on going on about your perthonal life throughout the whole fucking meeting. If I'd known you'd been rethently made thingle, I never would have come tonight."

  
Karkat rolls his eyes. "Wow Sollux, thanks for the support. Really appreciate it."

  
"It'th what I'm here for, man." Sollux pats Karkat on the shoulder as he brushes past him. "You got any new gameth?"

  
"If you bothered to actually use that cheap as shit pair of 3D glasses you insist on wearing, you'd notice everyone's playing go fish."

  
"Tho?"

  
"So clearly I don't have any new fucking games, you dense douche nozzle! Seriously, you ask that every week and I almost never do."

  
"Well apparently you've been withhollding informathion rethently, dumb fuck." Sollux pulls up a chair by Aradia and turns his head in an exaggerated gesture towards Gamzee, who remains oblivious. "Deal me in."

  
"Tell you what, Sollux, when I happen to stumble ass backwards onto a new game, you'll be the first to know. I'm talking pesterlogs, emails, voice messages, singing telegrams, Morse code, sky writing, the whole fucking works! All just to shut you up, Sollux."

  
"That'th all I athk." Sollux looks down at the cards in his hands. "AA, you got any twoth?"

  
"Go fish."

  
You elbow Karkat in the shoulder softly to get his attention and whisper so Sollux can't hear you. "So, what the fuck are anaglyph glasses?"

  
Karkat matches your whisper. "It's a fancy, stupid as hell way of saying 3D glasses." He raises his voice back to his normal level. "Hey, are we starting this meeting or what?"

  
"Or what." Aradia answers.

  
"No one careth about the meeting, KK, we're playing go fith."

  
"I do care about the meeting, even if it is conducted by a filthy lowblood such as yourself-"

  
"Equius." Nepeta said testily.

  
"-however we are in the middle of a rousing game of go fish."

  
"I suggest you wait for them to finish before beginning the meeting, Karkat. Why don't you have a seat?" Geez, you hadn't even seen Kanaya sitting on the couch in the dark.

  
Karkat sighs and trudges over to the seat she indicated. You follow even though you weren't offered one yourself.

  
"So what games do you have?"

  
"I have Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Super Smash Brother's..."

  
"Let's play Smash Brother's, dude. I want to kick your ass on the virutal plane."

  
Karkat rolls his eyes. "Yeah, right. You couldn't even kick my ass in reality."

  
"Excuse me, it was a fucking draw."

  
"Whatever helps you sleep at night."

  
"I could say the same for you, if winning helps you sleep at all."

  
"It doesn't, but we both know I kicked your flat ass."

  
"Hey! My ass is not flat, I take offense to this slander. Also what the hell, have you been looking at my ass?"

  
"What's there to look at?" Karkat locates the game and inserts it into the console. "Now how in the raging inferno of hell do you think you're going to beat me if you can't even see the god damn game?"

  
"Alright, I thought I'd give you a handicap so we started the game on equal footing, but if you insist."

  
You'd rather leave your shades on, but it was pretty dark in here and you should probably work on masking your emotions without them on, anyway. You put them on your head.

  
Karkat hands you a controller and sits back down on the couch between you and Kanaya.  "Kanaya, did you want to play?" He offers her a controller, which she declines.

  
"Thank you, but I'm perfectly fine finishing this book. I planned on returning it to you at the end of the meeting."

  
"Alright."

  
"How the hell can you read that? It's so dark in here."

  
Kanaya places a hand to her eyes. "I, as well as everyone else present at this meeting, am nocturnal and therefore can see perfectly well in the dark."

  
"Oh, right." She goes back to her book, and you turn your attention to the game. "Hey, Karkat, what character are you gonna be? Apparently everything is already unlocked."

  
"That's for me to know and you to suck my bulge, asshat."

  
"I was thinking about being Kirby. Or maybe Pikachu. Dude, if I play Kirby, you should totally be Jigglypuff!"

  
"Why the fuck would I do that?"

  
"Because then we could figure out who the superior lump of pink bubblegum is!"

  
Karkat looks at you like you're the stupidest person in the world. "Kirby, duh."

  
"I was going to say Jigglypuff. I mean, it's a pokemon and it jumps better than Kirby, I'm pretty sure. Plus it's super fucking powerful."

  
"But which one has its own separate franchise?" Karkat argues. "Kirby. Clearly if Jigglypuff was so fucking great, it would have its own series, or at least be more popular as a character in its game. It's not even the most popular pokemon in _this_ game! You have Pikachu in there, for christ's sake! No one cares about a useless character like Jigglypuff. Kirby can suck in his enemies and perform their attacks, which is way more useful than putting your fucking enemies to sleep."

  
"I don't know, I feel like you could seriously benefit from having a jigglypuff in your life, dude. I know I'd benefit if you spent more of your time asleep instead of making up phony excuses about a glorified reverse whoopee cushion."

  
"Not to interrupt, but based on your opinions on the characters wouldn't it make more sense for Karkat to play as Kirby and Dave as Jigglypuff?" Kanaya says without looking up from her book.

  
You and Karkat both look at each other.

  
"Gotta say, your moirail makes a good point."

  
"She's not my moirail." Karkat says defensively. "We're not official yet."

  
He exchanges a look with Kanaya that tells you that that's pretty much complete bullshit.

  
There's challenge glowing in his gray eyes. "You're going down, Strider."

  
You smirk and return the challenge in your own gaze. "Bring it."

 

You and Karkat manage four seriously intense games of Smash Brother's, playing as your respective pink squishy characters. By the time the fourth game is over, you had a crowd watching.

  
"Boom." You drop the controller onto the couch and stand up to gloat. "I win again. Take that, you inferior pink balloon!"

  
Karkat's staring at the screen, head in his hands. "Fuck you, that was all dumb luck and you know it."

  
"Dumb luck? Three fucking times? Are you serious?"

  
He crosses his arms over his chest and glares up at you. "Yes."

  
"KK, you are thuch a thore lother." Sollux sighs, flicking one of Karkat's horns. "If you guyth are done proving how much KK thuckth at video gameth, we're ready to thtart the meeting now."

  
Karkat runs a hand through his hair and stands up. "Yeah, I think we're fucking done here."

  
Everyone heads back to the table, pulling out chairs and shuffling cards around as needed. Apparently the group had abandoned clean up when they'd finished. You pull up a chair brush off one or two playing cards from the seat before sitting down.

  
"Alright, now that we all finally decided we're good and fucking ready, first order of business-"

  
"I can't see anything." You interrupt. There's not a single light on in this room.

  
"That's because you put your shades back on, dumbass. Don't interrupt me."

  
"I'd be way less likely to interrupt you if I could fucking see."

  
Karkat makes a strangled groaning sound in the back of his throat, and even though you can't see you can still hear it when he face palms. "Can someone turn a light on for the weak eyed douche fuck?"

  
"Got it." A light flickers on and you notice that Sollux didn't even get up to do it.

  
All the trolls take a moment to let their eyes readjust to the light, which is still pretty weak, but they've been sitting in the dark for awhile, you think.

  
Karkat rubs his eyes with one hand before continuing where he left off. "Okay, first order of business. Nepeta, Equius, how's the protection racket going?"

  
"Purrty good!" Nepeta says excitedly. "Equius and I threatened fur people and we only had to hairy it meowt on one."

  
"Needless to say, I don't think that particular individual will be threatening our..." Equius pauses and you can just feel his gaze on you as he sweats. " _client_ anytime soon."

  
"Alright, good to hear." Karkat nods, blatantly ignoring Equius's clear suspicions towards you. "Sollux, Aradia, how are things going on your end?"

  
"Fantastic!" Aradia says with a wide grin on her face.

  
"We acthually need to collect a payment today." Sollux admits. "Hopefully we won't have to rough the guy up too bad."

  
You can't believe he said the phrase "rough the guy up". That was probably the most cliche thing you've ever heard.

  
"Okay, I hope everything goes well for you guys and remember, we want to remind the fucker that he owes us money, we're not trying to kill him. We can't collect from a corpse. I'm looking at you, Aradia."

  
Aradia rolls her eyes and pouts. "You _can to_ collect from a corpse. It's just called looting at that point."

  
Karkat doesn't respond to her, instead addressing her partner."Sollux, stop her if she goes too far."

  
Sollux offers a thumbs up. "Will do."

  
Sollux pretends to restrain Aradia, who doesn't play along and continues to grumble under her breath about not being allowed full freedom to do what she wants in this situation.

  
"I'd say thngs are progressing smoothly on our end too, don't you agree, Kanaya?"

  
Kanaya nods. "Yes, I would say that the casino is doing quite nicely. There's been a fluctuation in high blooded trolls recently."

  
"You're right, there has been. I'm willing to bet that's because of all the soporifics we've gained access to. Gamzee, Tavros, how's that going, by the way?" Karkat says calmly, smiling.

  
You don't like it.

  
Tavros opens his mouth to answer and is quickly silenced by a flurry of playing cards to his face as Karkat's expression snaps back into the raging scowl you're used to. "I fucking know how it's going, asshole! I know how it's been going for the last three pickups! Don't you guys know fuckall about anything? The first rule in drug trafficking is don't get high on your own god damn supply! If you want to get doped out of your pan, do it on your own time, and stop wasting mine."

  
Tavros is staring at his hands in his lap, looking as ashamed as Karkat probably wanted him to feel. Gamzee, on the other hand, looks like he's already high as fuck.

  
"I'm taking both of you sorry excuses for assholes off drug detail." He continues, calming down to a moderate volume. For him. "You'll be with Hearts Boxcars from now on until I can find you both a better fit."

  
"Um, KK, we're with HB. The fuck are you talking about?" Sollux interrupts, stopping whatever he was doing with Aradia.

  
Karkat sighs and rubs at his face with one hand in what you take as a show of exasperation. "You and Aradia don't mind switching off to drug work, do you?"

  
"I gueth not. But do we have to be with TheeD?"

  
"The d?"

  
"Fuck you, you knew what I meant. athwipe."

  
"Clubs Deuce." Aradia responds before either of them can continue. "And I don't like this new arrangement. I'd rather be on protection racket."

  
"Well okay, fan-fucking-tastic. Either of you two cool with the drug job?" Karkat turns his attention to Equius and Nepeta.

  
Equius shakes his head. "I don't agree with the use of soporific substances, it rots pans and makes trolls weak. In order to become strong, a troll should abstain from soporifics and drink nothing but lusus milk, straight from the source, as it is best when fresh and frothy and still warm from the glorious teat."

  
"Okay, got it. I'm not going to do anything with that information, but I definitely got it. I wouldn't be able to forget that even if I wanted to, and believe me, I do. Nepeta?"

  
Nepeta shrugs. "I guess I could do it, only if it's tempurrary."

  
"Oh, these are definitely fucking temporary."

  
"Then I'll do it."

  
"Alright. Now that that shit's all settled, everyone should finish up whatever business they had with their former heads today or whenever they can and then report to their new ones for more information on their jobs. Equius, Aradia, you're with Diamonds Droog. Sollux, Nepeta, you're with Clubs Deuce. Like I said earlier, Tavros and Gamzee are with Hearts Boxcars. Strider, you're coming with Kanaya and me. Is everybody clear on that?"

  
There's a resounding yes from the group.

  
"Great." Karkat raps his fist against the table. "Meeting adjourned."

  
Chairs squeak and idle chatter begins as people abandon their positions at the table and discuss business with their new partners. At least, that's what you assume they're doing. You decide to meet up with your own.

  
"Aight, let's do this thing." You say with a decisive clap of your hands. "What exactly are we doing?"

  
Karkat's not looking at you, instead looking around his area for something. "Nothing right now. Doing everything all at once would be stupid. Sollux and Aradia are going to discuss their plan of attack towards whoever the fuck's not paying up, and later on we might see how things are going down at the casino, depending on how the night plays out."

  
Karkat gets up from his seat and ducks his head under the chair, apparently unable to locate whatever he's looking for. Uncertain of what to do with yourself, you join him.

  
"What the hell are you looking for?" You inquire as he shuffles playing cards around.

  
"My pen. I need to write down the new partnership arrangements and inform the heads about them for the okay."

  
"The heads?"

  
"You know, the four I mentioned earlier, if you were paying attention, which I suspect you weren't."

  
"Nah, I was. You underestimate me, Karkat. So you're saying all your changes haven't been approved by the men upstairs?"

  
"Yes, but they will be. Like hell am I doing more rearrangements and partner swaps. That would take all fucking night and I have better things to do with my time." He continues to lift cards, but to no avail.

  
"Like what?"

  
"Like kick your jigglypuff ass with my Kirby, that's what."

  
"Excuse you, my Jigglypuff fucking curb stomped the shit out of your Kirby. Or did you suffer brain damage from when I curb stomped you in reality?" You say derisively.

  
"Lies." Karkat sneers back at you.

  
"Is it now?" You smirk as you attempt to help locate Karkat's pen under the mess of cards.

  
"Karkat, didn't your mother say you had a concussion from the fight?" Kanaya interjects from her seat. She'd stayed put when everyone wandered away.

  
"Shit, seriously? Then I totally won that fight, dude. No question."

  
"No," Karkat shakes his head obstinately, "she said I _possibly_ had a concussion. The doctor said I was fine. The fight was a draw, end of story."

  
"Sure it was. Whatever you need to tell yourself."

  
You can hear a low, almost guttural growl escape his throat, and for a moment you wonder if he's going to hit you, maybe even knock your head with his again. You were at the perfect angle for that kind of blow. You brace yourself.

  
"Karkat." Kanaya taps him on the head and directs his attention up to her. She's holding a pen in her hand. "I found your pen."

  
"Thank you, Kanaya." Karkat takes the pen from her outstretched hand and stands up.

  
"Don't mention it."

  
You stand up, too and look around at the floor. "Someone should seriously clean this shit up."

  
Karkat sighs down at the mess. "I'll do it later. None of those assholes are going to do it, that's for damn sure."

  
He walks away, probably off to hunt down some paper now that he has his precious pen. You decide to be at least a little helpful and stoop back down to pick up some of the cards. Kanaya remains in her seat, still working on her book.

  
"Say, Kanaya."

  
"Yes?" She closes the book and directs all of her attention to you.

  
"Where the fuck are these big wig fuckers, anyway?"

  
"Upstairs. Conducting their own separate meeting. We're more of an affiliation of the group, one could say. A branch from the main body to help expand operations and territory."

  
You stop cleaning up and look up at her, eyebrow raised over your sunglasses. "What the fuck does that mean?"

  
"The best way I can phrase it," she says, tapping her bottom lip with one finger thoughtfully, "is that we're more of a "junior troll division" of the actual Midnight Crew."

  
"I repeat: the fuck."

  
Kanaya shrugs. "That's the best answer I can give you. You'll have to ask Karkat for greater details. After all, he _is_ our leader."

  
Karkat sidles up back to the table with a notepad and sits back down. "Damn straight."

  
You go back to your game of fifty-two card pickup while Karkat scribbles something. He tears the page out, crumples it into a ball, and tosses it at you.

  
You pick it up and uncrumple it, smoothing it out on the floor. On it are a bunch of chumhandles.

  
"Those are for you. In case you have any questions or need to contact anyone for whatever reason." Karkat recites as if he's said this a million times before. He probably has, at least variations of it. "If you're going to start or participate in a memo, I'd prefer if you keep it business related. I won't hesitate to ban you. If anything happens that concerns you specifically, like if I need you to cover for someone else or something, then I'll contact you personally. If it's work at the casino then either Kanaya or I will create a separate memo for that purpose and contact you through that. Questions?"

  
Only one or two things come to mind. "Am I allowed to start memos?"

  
"Only if you adhere to those rules. Only business or you ban them."

  
"Got it. Are we doing anything tonight or not?"

  
Karkat shakes his head. "I talked with Slick, he said we're not tonight. He has his own new guy to deal with right now, so they'll be busy showing him the ropes."

  
Your dad is in his own meeting right upstairs. You wonder how he's doing, then try your best not to think about it. If you think about it too much, you'll start worrying and possibly blow it for yourself. He's fine. It's his first meeting, too. He'll be fine.

  
Probably.

  
You nod. "Okay then. So...what the hell do we do now?"

  
Karkat shrugs and goes back to his notepad. "Nothing, I guess. You should probably be heading back to your hive if you're concerned with being caught by any of your littermates."

  
You tilt your head quizzically. "Why? What time is it?"

  
"Almost four." Kanaya answers, opening her book once again. "Karkat, I believe this book will take me longer to finish than I anticipated. Do you mind if I stay over to finish it?"

  
Karkat scoffs. "Honestly, I don't even know why you bother asking, everyone usually ends up staying over after these meeting end, anyway. Sure, you can stay. Knock yourself out."

  
"Thank you."

  
"Wait, is it seriously four?" Shit, you've been here forever.

  
"Yup. Sun should be coming up soon." Karkat answers you as he goes back to his self prescribed task.

  
"Fuck, guess I'll be going then. See ya." You get up and say your goodbyes without looking back.

  
"Good bye." Kanaya waves you away.

  
"Good riddance." Karkat shouts at you, not bothering to look up when you leave.

  
You exit the building. When you get outside, you no longer need your flashlight. The rising sun lights your way back home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wouldn't believe the amount of research I had to do on some of the barely mentioned things in this chapter. I know almost nothing about anything, apparently.  
> I'm sorry about Jigglypuff, by the way.  
> I'm also sorry about how boring the actual meeting portion was. I promise it'll get more interesting as it progresses.  
> At least, that's the plan.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave should pay more attention to his classes.

It's now Monday, and you wake to the realization that no, you are not allowed to sleep in anymore or stay home. You have to go back to school again. Fuck that, you're exhausted. You didn't get back home until four a.m. Sunday morning, and then you had to stay awake for another hour placating Dirk by listening to Jake drama. Not that you minded, but you were tired and just. wanted. to. sleep. Then you had to make sure you were up before noon so your sisters didn't suspect you of any late night escapades.

  
It wasn't until after you'd already set this plan in motion that you remembered that you usually slept all through Sunday until about one in the afternoon, anyway. Your brain was tired and couldn't figure out that useful, well established tidbit of information until after Rose commented on how early you had woken up.

  
Why is your own brain working against you?

  
You have to drag yourself out of bed and force yourself to get dressed. Dirk, who had risen maybe a half hour before you, left the curtains to the window open, allowing the sunlight to leak in and blind you. That bastard.

  
You have half a mind to kill him. The other half recalls that Dirk is the only one who can make coffee.

  
Well, no, you can all make coffee. Dirk can make good coffee.

  
"Yeah, and I brought you some. But you can only have it if you promise not to kill me when you're actually awake." Dirk is brandishing a full cup of coffee at you. Some of it sloshes onto a dirty sock on the floor. It is only now that you realize you said most of that out loud.

  
You already accepted the coffee. There's no backing out. "Okay, fine. You live another day, Dirk. Relish that fucker. Better yet, sauerkraut that, maybe add some onions to that dog. Chili's good, too. Who the fuck uses relish these days? The hell are you doing to that poor hot dog, Dirk? Why would you do that, why? Why are you even having a hot dog for breakfast in the first place? Sausage not good enough for you? Huh?"

  
"Dave, you're still practically asleep. Almost none of that made sense."

  
"Your face and your taste in breakfast food are the things that don't make sense. You don't grill in the mornings, Dirk. It's just not a thing you do. We don't even have a grill. How are you doing this?"

  
"Dave, stop talking and drink that coffee. No opening your mouth until what you say makes sense."

You take a long sip and feel the beginnings of a burn in your mouth. Well, you're awake now. "Thanks for the coffee." You say as he exits the room to rouse Roxy out of bed. "And for existing."

  
"You're welcome for me existing." He calls back to you, disappearing into the girl's room. A minute later he's dragging Roxy out of her room while you finish up on your hair.

  
"I don't know why you bother styling." Rose comments, talking around her toothbrush. "Those cow licks are impervious to even the strongest of styling gels. It's the Strilonde family curse."

  
"Dirk's doesn't do this shit." You sigh, running your fingers through your hair angrily.

  
"Dirk has to special order his gel from Australia. I'm fairly certain super glue is one of the main ingredients." She spits into the sink.

  
You finish off your hair, properly slicking it back so it's pretty much fucking perfect in your book. It's only when you determine that you are completely satisfied that the cow licks resurface and wreck all of your hard work.

  
Strilonde family curse.

  
You let out a strangled cry and muss up your hair with your hands in frustration. Your hair now resembles white blond Karkat bedhead. You're not sure which one was worse, the dorky cowlicks or this current mess. You stick your head under the sink in an attempt to wash out the gel, then do a quick towel dry before running your fingers through it until it's back to the normal sort of fluffy it was when you woke up.

You do this every morning. You don't know why you bother.

  
"Why doesn't Dirk share." You groan.

  
"Buy your own gel!" Dirk shouts in reply from the other room.

  
"He makes a valid point, Dave."

  
"But I don't have a job." You counter. "I have no money for Australian hair gel that's probably made of kangaroo semen and spider venom."

  
"Dave, it's far too early to be discussing the seminal fluid of marsupials. This is more of a lunch time conversation, don't you agree?"

  
"Yeah, I guess. I'll keep that in mind. Prepare to eat your words along with your lunch today, Rose."

  
She smirks. "Oh, I will. Are you done with the mirror? It's my turn to ego stroke my vanity."

  
"Knock yourself out, pastel goth." She bumps you with her hip and you slide out of the way.

  
"I am not a pastel goth, Dave. It's called fashion, look it up." She's applying black lipstick carefully as she speaks.

  
"I don't know, still looks goth to me."

  
Rose chuckles behind her hand. "Well, I wouldn't expect you to know anything about style, Dave."

  
You cross your arms over your chest. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

  
She looks you up and down in an exaggerated motion and lifts an eyebrow at you as if surprised you needed an explanation. "Dave, your shirt has sunglasses printed all over it."

  
"And?"

  
"The fact that you feel I need to say more speaks volumes to your fashion sense."

  
"Why don't you recite some of those volumes out loud, Rose. I can't hear them over the sound of my own awesome irony skills."

  
"What I'm saying is I think that fashion is a sense that you've been deprived of, Dave."

  
"Hey!" Roxy yells from the doorway. "You guys done with your weird banter or whatever? We wanna get a move on, let's roll!"

  
You tilt your head at Rose. "Are we done with our weird banter?"

  
She smiles impishly at you and pushes her way past. "For now."

  
The four of you head out to the car and pile in after a slight squabble over who got passenger's seat. Roxy won that.

  
"I'm not sure what you were yelling at us about, Roxy." You say, pouting in the back. Roxy usually won passenger's seat. "You're not even dressed."

  
Roxy is currently decked out in her kitten pajamas and sporting a wicked case of bedhead. "I'll do it when I get there. Fuck, maybe I'll just take a lazy day. I deserve one of those, Dave. You got a whole week of them, and all you did was punch a troll. Totes not fair, bro."

  
"Sorry, Roxy, them's the breaks. If you really wanted a day off so bad maybe you should have decked a troll."

  
"Nah. I think I'll just hide out in the library and read some. Maybe hack into the school's computer system and do whatever the hell I want."

  
"You should go to class, Roxy." Dirk says as he pulls into the parking lot.

  
"I'll think about it, Di Stri. No promises, though." She says with a laugh as she climbs out of the car. You have a feeling she's definitely going to spend the day in the library, just because he said that. You wouldn't put it past her.

  
Dirk nearly bumps into you, eyes distractedly on his phone and not on where he's going.

  
"Who are you texting?"

  
Dirk looks up momentarily. "Jane. She'll talk some sense into Roxy."

  
You nod. "Good plan."

  
"Dave!" Jade bounds down the hallway to meet you, punching you lightly in the shoulder when she finally does. "Welcome back to school. You do plan on staying this time, right?"

  
You roll your eyes behind your shades. "Never planned on leaving in the first place. That was all Karkat's thing."

  
"Speaking of Karkat," Rose says, "could you inform him that I should be done with that sweater by Wednesday? I'll be starting on your own soon, so the both of you might want to get your stories straight before the week is out."

  
"It's Monday morning, don't give me assignments." You whine. "Do you hate me, Rose?"

  
"Of course not, I just thought I would let you know now so you have time to fully recollect the details of the event in question."

  
"Rose, can you give me the full details after?" Jade butts in, waving her hands to get Rose's attention.

  
"Of course, Jade. In exchange for something to be determined later, depending on the quality of information."

  
"Awesome!" Jade grins. "I gotta go to my locker, text me if anything interesting starts happening before I come back."

  
She scurries away, and you and Rose go to your own respective lockers.

  
Nothing interesting happens before Jade comes back. Nothing really happens after she comes back, either. Today is just your average morning, free of drama and Karkat. This is something you really appreciate, since you're still pretty tired. You don't think you could handle yourself in a fight or even really a casual discussion right now.

  
The bell rings, and you all part ways for your first class. Yours is math, which you have with John.

  
Your seat is right next to John's, in the very back of the classroom. You had been allowed to pick out your seating arrangement at the beginning of the year. Your teacher learned the error of his ways shortly after, but hadn't rectified the mistake.

  
"Hey, Dave!"

  
You take your seat and nod at him while you take out your stuff. You know you won't pay attention, but you're not going to let the teacher in on that little secret.

  
"Yo."

  
"Man, you wouldn't believe some of the shit that happened this weekend after you guys all went home! It was crazy!"

  
Probably not as crazy as yours. "Really? What happened?"

  
John leans in closer and whispers in a nonchalant attempt to not draw attention to himself. It has the opposite effect. You balance it out by doodling abstractly in your notebook and facing forward, feigning attention. "So Jake came back, right?"

  
"Right."

  
"Well, apparently Dirk still had some issue with Jake about him leaving without telling him about it."

  
"Um...duh? They'd been going out for almost a year, of course that was still an issue. That was kind of the whole reason they broke up in the first place." You point out.

  
John shrugs. "Anyway, they've been keeping correspondence recently and I guess they got back together? On a more casual basis than before, at least that's what Jake made it sound like."

  
Wait, were they back together? You don't remember hearing that. How out of it were you when you discussed this with Dirk?

  
You were going to have to ask for a repeat of whatever you talked about yesterday.

  
"Apparently Jake and Dirk hadn't told anyone they were going out again, and Jane decided to make her move at the welcome back party."

  
"That's weird."

  
"They might both be my cousins, but that doesn't mean they're related, you know." John replies defensively.

  
He has a point. Jane and Jake are both his cousins, but from different sides of the family. Plus, Jake was a cousin once removed, which made him even less likely to be related to Jane.

  
"I know, but it's still weird. I mean, you all live together."

  
You can see John's mental progress as he analyzes how that situation could be considered weird. "Yeah, I see your point."

  
"Plus, aren't they technically siblings? Through adoption and whatever? I mean, you all are, technically, right?"

  
Jane was the only one in the Crocker-Egbert-English-Harley house who wasn't adopted.

  
John claps his hands to his face. "Oh my god, you're right! Does...does that make it incest?"

  
You shake your head. "Not really? Like you said, they're not related, so it's not really incest. I mostly meant it would be weird for you, since both of them are your cousins."

  
John's face falls and he softly lowers his head to the desk and groans. "Is it terrible that I'm glad it didn't work out between Jane and Jake?"

  
"A little. But that's okay."

  
He groans again. "Can we change the subject, then?"

  
"Sure thing." You shrug. "To what exactly?"

  
John turns his head so he's looking at you, but doesn't lift it. "I've been meaning to ask for awhile..." He trails off. "You know what? Never mind. I'll ask later."

  
"No, ask now. What is it, dude?"

  
"Um..is Roxy..." He trails off again.

  
"Is Roxy what?" You ask, feigning ignorance. You know exactly where he's going with this. It's Rose all over again.

  
"You know..." John is the picture of discomfort right now.

  
"...a human? A crack shot? Weirdly obsessed with cats? A collector of old timey retro games?"

  
"No, Dave, I 'm asking if-"

  
"John, if you're asking me if Roxy is a wizard I don't think I'll be able to take you seriously anymore." You say without the barest inflection of humor in your voice.

  
"No, Dave!" John snaps at you. "I know you know what I'm asking!"

  
"Well of course, John, it's not hard to figure out. I don't know if Roxy's gay, she's never been in a relationship as far as I know. She was kind of into Jake for awhile there when he first showed up, but then again, who wasn't? I mean, hot damn-"

  
"Dave, could you not talk about my cousin like that?" He says, grimacing.

  
"What, because we're both guys?"

  
"No, because you're both my friends!" He flounders. "You know I don't really care that you're bi."

  
"I know, it's just funny to watch you get all flustered like that." You shrug unapologetically.

  
John pouts and waves a hand at you in agitation. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. So Roxy's at least into guys, you think?"

  
"Pretty sure, dude. Knock yourself out."

  
John scrunches up his face in confusion. "What are you talking about, Dave?"

  
You roll your eyes for your own benefit. "Clearly you plan on asking her out, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered asking. Dude, it's not like I really care that you want to ask out my sister. I didn't mind two years ago when you tried to ask Rose out, and I definitely don't mind now."

  
"A-alright." John's face turns red. "Thanks for the support, Dave."

  
"Don't mention it, bro."

  
John sits up and looks around the room. Everyone else is working hard on whatever the assignment is, or at the very least pretending like you have been.

  
"Hey, do you know what we're supposed to be doing?" John whispers over to you.

  
You look down at your paper. It's covered in really terrible doodles and some rough Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff sketches. "No clue."

  
"I'll just ask Jade later, I guess." John shrugs. "She likes math."

  
"No one likes math." You scoff. "She's just good at it."

  
You notice the time and start packing up. There's still a good seven minutes of class time left, but you're not going to kid yourself about getting any work done by the time the bell rings and you're free.

  
"Most people are good at things because they like doing them." John argues. "That's why they're good at them. Besides, she likes science a lot, so she's bound to at least not hate math, I think. I'll ask her about it during lunch, sneak a peek at her notes, see what we missed."

  
"Mind sending me pics of them? I don't think I'll be able to copy all the shit down before she notices."

  
"Sure thing." John nods. "That is, if she doesn't catch me and murder me for not paying attention in class again."

  
"Good luck with that, can't say I envy you." Jade hated when people didn't pay attention in class, she thought it was blatant abuse of the great privilege that was a public education.

  
Of course she would think that, she grew up isolated on a little island in the middle of fuck all nowhere.

  
The bell rings, and you and John get up and abscond the hell out of there before you both split and head off to your second hour classes.

  
Yours is English, and you have it alone so there's no one to distract you or, inversely, keep you on task. You could really use the latter today, the teacher is giving a lecture about the oxford comma and you really don't care enough to pay attention.

  
Lucky for you, your phone buzzes and effectively frees you from the hell that is early morning classes. You take a subtle look down at it, making sure to keep your head held high and only your eyes lowered, since they were shielded with your glasses.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GA: Hello Dave  
GA: I Thought That Since You Are Back In School Now I Would Return The Favor Of Pestering You During Class So You Would Understand My Initial Frustration With You  
TG: okay but in my defense yours was a study hall if you were really that upset about me bugging you you could have told me off or just not responded at all i didnt even realize you were frustrated but this though is just cold kanaya i thought we were friends  
GA: We Are Friends In The Loosest Sense Of The Word That Is The Actual Reason Why I Contacted You At This Moment Jade Informed Me Yesterday That We Are Going To Be Moving The Plants To Indoor Locations For The Club  
TG: okay but im not in the club kanaya i thought you would know that from the lack of club activities i participated in  
GA: Yes I Realize I Just Thought I Would Let You Know Since Karkat Offered To Take Some Of Them Himself  
TG: what does karkat have to do with anything  
GA: It Occurred To Me That If You Came Then The Three Of Us Could Perhaps Discuss In Greater Detail Exactly What We Will Be Doing Since You Had To Leave The Meeting Early  
TG: the hell are you talking about i was there for almost five hours and we barely discussed anything  
GA: Yes As I Said You Left The Meeting Early We Talked Things Over In Greater Detail Over A Game Of Fidusspawn After You Left I Take It Karkat Didnt Contact You With This New  Information  
TG: you guys seem to play a lot more games than i thought a gang would play at a meeting or at least more childish games i mean first go fish and then troll pokemon what the hell next youll tell me you had an uno tournament whats with this unprofessionalism kanaya explain it to me  
TG: to answer your question nope havent gotten a single gray text rant since saturday night  
GA: I Thought As Much There Wasnt A Lot For The Both Of Us To Discuss Because Our Situation Remained Reasonably The Same Save For The Addition Of You Since You Both Live In New Can Town I Thought You Could Get The Necessary Information While Transferring Some Of The Plants For The Club If You Wouldnt Mind Too Much Or Maybe Over A Nice Cup Of Coffee After Said Transfer If You Prefer  
TG: this is all just a ploy to get me to take some of your plants isnt it  
GA: Yes  
TG: well its working good job kanaya so thats after school today  
TG: i dont have a car i ride with my sisters and bro and if i recall correctly karkat cant drive so he doesnt have a car either how exactly are we supposed to move all these plants to new can town or wherever the hell were taking them  
GA: I Am Willing To Give The Both Of You A Ride If You Want  
TG: thanks thatd be cool of you  
GA: No Problem I Usually Give Karkat A Ride Home After Club Activities Anyway Would You Like Me To Stick Around After The Initial Drop Off In Case You Are In Need Of An Auspistice Or Perhaps Someone Who Will Not Yell A Flurry Of Curse Words At You While Explaining Your New Position In The Organization  
TG: you can hang around if you want but i dont think well need an auspicewhatever we arent actaully in to each other like that  
GA: I Beg To Differ You Two Have Been Black Flirting Shamelessly Since Last Monday And Possibly Before That If What Karkat Has Told Me Is True I Dont Know Why He Would Lie To Me About Something Like That So I Will Say It Is The Truth Until Proven Otherwise  
TG: okay for the last time we are not black for each other i act like that with everyone its not my problem your species perceives it as me trying to hatemance you im just naturally irritating at least thats what my sister says  
GA: I Am Sorry To Say This Dave But I Still Feel You And Karkat Have A Strong Antagonistic Chemistry The Likes Of Which I Have Rarely Seen  
TG: sorry to disappoint but i have antagonistic charisma coming out the wazoo  
GA: That Is Generally Where It Comes Out Of  
TG: really  
GA: No That Was A Joke  
TG: of course it was anyway we arent black or any other color because were not in any square together we are just sort of friends with hostile tendencies  
GA: I Believe The Word You Are Looking For Is Frenemies  
TG: that sounds about right yeah karkat and i are nonquad frenemies  
GA: Dave I Will Tell You Right Now That Nonquad Frenemies As You So Put It Is Not A Common Relationship For Trolls In Fact I Believe It Is Not A Viable Option At All  
TG: well what the hell kanaya why can trolls have besties they arent pale with but they cant have a healthy rivalry with a friend without making it weirdly romantic whats the deal there   
GA: The Deal With That Is That Though Hate Is A Common Emotion That Trolls Experience It Is Less Likely To Be Experienced Towards Someone A Troll Respects Or Has Partially Friendly  Feelings For That Being Said It Is Even Less Likely That The Emotion Would Be Properly Reciprocated By The Other Party  
GA: You And Karkat Both Seemed To Show The Same Amount Of Friendly Hostility You Can See Why I And So Many Others Would Think You Two May Be In The Throes Of Kismesis  Passion  
TG: oh my fuck no this is not the passion of the spades and you are not pulling any fifty spades of gray on me  
GA: Fifty Spades Of Gray You Lost Me  
TG: it was a play on fifty shades of gray get it because spade is the hate one and gray is supposed to be the color swatch for the mediator square right  
GA: If By Mediator Square You Are Referring To The Ashen Quadrant Then Yes  
TG: okay cool so my metaphor checks out i stand by what i said i am a clever clever son of a bitch  
TG: wait what do you mean so many others who else thinks were a thing  
GA: Well Nepeta Has This Shipping Wall That You Have Been Added To Recently And She Agrees With Me That Based On Her Calculations You Two Would Best Suit That Quadrant And That Definitely Seems To Be The Direction You Two Are Going Save For That Odd Pale Moment Sollux Felt The Same Though I Dont Know If I Trust His Opinion Fully On The Matter Because Of Some Particularly Black Altercations Between Himself And Karkat In The Not Too Distant Past  
TG: okay thats too many people  
GA: That Is Only Two People Dave  
TG: yeah two too many  
TG: hold up if hes already spading it up with the other troll guy why am i accused of joining his quad squad  
GA: What I Said Was That There Were Altercations There Was Nothing Definite Or Concrete Within Any Of It And None Of Them Set Off Those Rage Sparks Quite Like Yours Did  
GA: You Really Rub Karkat The Wrong Way Dave  
TG: i thought i was doing a good job of fixing that i mean ive been acting all nice and i havent punched him since that one time and we seemed to be hitting it off all friendly like  
TG: im trying my best to rub him the right way god dammit  
GA: Rub Him The Right Way Hm  
GA: Thats Not An Angle I Considered I Will Have To Inform Nepeta Of This Unexpected Development  
TG: wait what  
TG: shit thats not what i meant i misspoke or mistyped or something along those lines i pressed send instead of delete  
TG: kanaya are you still there you have to listen to me and let me explain myself  
TG: kanaya

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Were you ever going to get past this fucked up quadrant shit?

  
You turn off your phone and notice that there's only about five minutes left in class, the lecture is over, and you learned absolutely nothing about the oxford comma.

  
You'll snag Rose's notes later.

  
It occurs to you then that you haven't actually paid attention to any classes so far. You probably should, it being your first day back and all.

  
Your phone buzzes again. You're blowing up today.

  
You decide to check it instead of scribbling the bare minimum of notes.

  
What the fresh hell?

apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

AA: dave  
AA: y0u never t0ld me if y0u g0t the n0tes i left y0u  
TG: um yeah hey sorry whoever the fuck i dont know if i did or not because i dont recognize this handle  
AA: 0h s0rry this is aradia i th0ught y0u knew that  
TG: nope this is news to me why would i know that  
AA: karkat gave y0u that list 0f all 0ur handles didnt he  
AA: he did that f0r the rest 0f us when we j0ined anyway  
TG: yeah he did but i didnt bother memorizing who was who there were so many people and i figured i probably wouldnt use most of them anyway  
AA: thats where y0ure wr0ng i th0ught the same thing at first but believe me s00n y0ull be dr0wning under a m0untain 0f shitty mem0s painted in every c0l0r 0f the  hem0spectrum  
AA: just ab0ut every c0l0r we are missing a few c00l c0l0rs because highbl00d h00fbeastshittery  
TG: who the hell cares about that fuck those fishfaces who needs them  
AA: ha  
AA: s0 like i was saying ab0ut my n0tes d0 y0u have them with y0u  
TG: yes indeed i do im actually going to go get them right now did you need them back or something  
AA: yes actually i have a feeling theres g0ing to be a quiz 0r at least a review w0rth p0ints 0r someething like that  
TG: okay then yeah totally ill get them to you in a literal minute  
AA: i will c0unt the sec0nds t0 y0ur arrival  
AA: if y0ure here bef0re 0r after sixty sec0nds have passed i w0nt be happy dave  
TG: aradia youre the only person ive ever met who would be disappointed by an early strider  
TG: but for you ill make it work challenge accepted ill be right on time sixty seconds on the dot starting now  
AA: starting fifteen sec0nds ag0  
TG: okay starting fifteen seconds ago

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA]

Aradia sounds different on pesterchum than in real life. Less excitable and sort of subdued. You don't like it.

  
You make it to your locker at the twenty-seven seconds mark.

  
You rummage through your locker. How the fuck did you lose the paper, you just shoved it in there this morning, it should be at the top of the loose paper junk at the bottom of your locker.

  
You get a paper cut at the forty seconds mark. You locate the paper you need two seconds later.

  
If you run, you think you should make it in time.

  
You make a mad dash down the hall and almost get stopped by someone on your way. That's at the fifty-six seconds mark. You're cutting it close.

  
You make it to the door at sixty seconds exactly. Hell yeah. You are the fucking god of being on time. You walk in like you own the room because right now you feel like you do and sit down behind Aradia.

  
"Boom." You stretch and drop the notes on her desk. "On time. What now, Megido?"

  
Aradia turns around in her desk and shakes her head sadly at you, pointing down at her watch. "You disappoint me, Dave. My watch has you at sixty-three seconds."

  
"Well, your watch is wrong." You insist. "I'm right. I was here on time."

  
She tuts at you. "This is a quartz clock, it's one of the most accurate clocks in the world."

  
"Aradia, most clocks have quartz in them. That doesn't make it special."

  
"But what does make it special is it's on my wrist, and it says you're three seconds late. Therefore, you're three seconds late, because my perception of time is the only one that matters in this scenario."

  
"But-"

  
Aradia holds up a hand to stop you. "Nope. I'm not taking excuses, Dave. You promised me sixty seconds, and you gave me sixty-three. You're late, and there's no fixing that. You took longer than the allotted literal minute, and for that I must punish you." You don't like that cold look in her eyes. "Dave Strider, for being three seconds late on returning my notes, I won't let you borrow any new notes I take-" There's a pause. You hold your breath. "-for the next three days."

  
You gasp out the breath you were holding. "Aradia, no."

  
She holds firm. "Aradia, yes."

  
Aradia turns back around, so all you get is a head of long curly hair and ram's horns that refuses to respond no matter how much you poke.

  
You guess now is as good a time as any to start paying attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Family dynamic in the Crocker-Egbert-English-Harley household is weird and confusing.  
> Aradia is difficult to write, but I still like her.  
> That's all I got.


	14. Chapter 14

It was definitely chilly out, you understood why the garden club wanted to move their plants so bad. You stood on the school's roof and shivered, wishing you had brought a jacket or something. It had seemed unnecessary this morning when you thought you were going straight home after school. The sky grayed ominously above you as the club members (and Karkat) transferred the plants into their temporary pots.

  
"Why the fuck is this pot so big?" Karkat complained as he scooped up potting soil with his bare hands. "It's three times the size of the god damned plant!"

  
"Bigger pots are better pots!" Jade sang cheerily.

  
"Jade has a point." Kanaya nods. "The extra soil helps insulate the roots and keep them from freezing."

  
"Speaking of freezing," you interrupt, "how are none of you freezing? Jade, you're wearing a skirt, what the hell?"

  
"I'm wearing wool tights." Jade raises her skirt to her knees, exposing her striped, wool encased legs. "I am snug and warm, Dave."

  
"Well, what about you, Kanaya?" You point accusingly at the troll. "You're wearing a skirt, too! Are you not cold? Are you also wearing wool tights or is there some sort of troll magics I'm unaware of? Should I have invested in a pair of wool tights before coming up here? Why did no one tell me this? Why, Kanaya? Explain it to me."

  
"No, I am particularly cold, Dave. My core temperature is lower than that of the average human's, since I am a jade blooded troll. However, I am not as cold as I could be, since I'm sitting next to Karkat." She nudges the other troll glowering beside her.

  
"The hell's that have to do with anything?"

  
There's a small mischievous smile on Kanaya's face, her fangs peeking out from her lower lip as she gestured for you to come forward. "Why don't you come here and find out for yourself?"

  
"No, stay the hell over there, Strider." Karkat tosses a clump of potting soil at you. You step out of the way, and the dirt explodes at your feet.

  
"Karkat, that's a waste of potting soil!" Jade scolded.

  
"I don't know, I thought it was a good use." Karkat shrugged, but shrank back at her glare. "I'll clean it up before I leave."

  
"Since there's no threat of dirt bombs I'm going to see what this whole thing with Karkat's about." You announce to no one in particular.

  
You plop down by the pot Karkat is currently kneeling in front of and packing with dirt. Well, now you're cold and sitting on the ground. This is the opposite of helpful.

  
"I don't see what the big deal is." You shrug, still shivering.

  
"That's because you're not sitting close enough." Kanaya scoots closer to Karkat with her own plants as if to demonstrate the action you should take.

  
Karkat raises a hand to your face before you can move. "Stay there, you're already too close for comfort."

  
You are surprised by the heat being exuded from his hand. "Oh my god, wow. Kanaya, you were right, I suddenly understand everything."

  
You don't even notice that you're leaning in to the warmth from his hand until he snatches it away.

  
"I refuse to play into your weird need for placation, you incorrigible ass wagon." He sneers at you. "I can't believe you would pull this shit again, especially in front of my moirail!"

  
Karkat's eyes grow wide and he freezes, beside him you see Kanaya stiffen and blush a deep green.

  
"Oh, so you guys are official now?" You say conversationally.

  
Karkat covers his face with his hands and peeks over at Kanaya between his reddening fingers. Holy fuck, he's blushing so hard even his hands are tinged scarlet. You can practically feel him radiating embarrassed heat from where you sit.

  
Jade stops what she's doing and claps her hands. "Finally, oh my goodness! I'm so happy for you both!"

  
"Thank you, but your congratulations may be premature." Kanaya's voice is shaky as she turns her glowing green face to Karkat. "Are we? Official?"

  
Karkat nods slowly, almost cautious. "If you want to be."

  
Kanaya holds out two fingers towards him in a sideways peace sign. Karkat returns it, pressing his fingers to her own. You're practically blinded by how much brighter their faces flush when they do this. They don't look at each other, but god damn if they're not both grinning like idiots.

  
"You guys are embarrassing as fuck." You interrupt. Both of them turn on you.

  
"Way to ruin the moment, shit weasel." He growls at you.

  
Kanaya tosses loose dirt in your face, and you're left sitting there, sputtering. "Kanaya, I expected better from you."

  
"Really? I didn't." Jade interjects, shrugging. "You're cleaning that up, too, right?"

  
"Of course." Kanaya nods, breaking away from Karkat and putting several inches of space between them.

  
They both go back to transferring plants as the blood drains from their faces until they're back to gray. You shift closer to the living space heater next to you, a move unnoticed by the others around you. At least you thought it was.

  
Kanaya looks past Karkat and is staring daggers at you. Apparently she'd seen you move. She shakes her head at you.

  
"What?" You ask.

  
"You lost all rights to Karkat's ability to emanate heat when you interrupted to mock us." She says, continuing to shake her head.

  
"What? But you're the one who invited me over here!" You insist.

  
"I withdraw my invitation."

  
"You can't, I already accepted."

  
Karkat groans loudly and runs his hands through his hair, leaving streaks of soil in it. "Do I get a say in this?"

  
"No."

  
"Of course."

  
"Can both of you just shut up and go back to doing your jobs so we can leave?" He snaps. "I don't fucking care where everybody's sitting in approximation to me as long as you're not _on_ me."

  
"Okay, I can dig that." You nod, holding out your hands to warm them. "This cool with you?"

  
"No."

  
"Alright then." You keep them there.

  
"Dave, are you going to help or not?" Jade demands, hands on hips. She's been busy at work this whole time.

  
"Nah, I'm comfortable like this. I'm taking some home, I'm doing my part."

  
"Grab a fucking pot, pimple dick, and get to work or go away."

  
"Fine, fine. God, can't a guy just sit around and do nothing? Jesus." You get up and drag a pot over to your seat next to Karkat.

  
He's mumbling agitatedly to himself. "Not even in this stupid fucking piece of shit club and I still have to make other people do the jobs they were supposed to be doing by themselves. Any asshole with a fifth of a functioning thinkpan should be able to perform at least that god damn much by themselves unless they're too busy shitting their pants and chewing on their own waste material to repeat the cycle ad infinitum while I'm left here, forced to watch and unable to so much as scoop out my ganderbulbs with my dull claws because I can't believe the levels of stupidity I'm bearing witness to."

  
Kanaya pats his head absently. "We're almost done here."

  
"Yeah, calm the fuck down, bro. Kanaya said we could hang out at a coffee shop like hipster douchebags and warm ourselves up so we don't have to use you and your hot bod any more."

  
Karkat stops what he's doing, leaning his head on one hand against the pot he'd been filling with mulch. He's looking at your hands with a smirk and wonders wistfully aloud to your open palms. "Do you ever think before you open your mouth and spew verbal diarrhea everywhere?"

  
"Nope. I'm not even sure what I said." You shrug.

  
"You implied you found Karkat physically attractive." Kanaya says bluntly.

  
"What? No, I didn't."

  
"I believe the phrase you used was hot bod."

  
Karkat snorts, and you ignore him.

  
"Yeah, like you said before he's warm like a furnace in the middle of Death Valley and it's cold as a snowman's ballsack out here."

  
Karkat rolls his eyes at you. "Strider, it's not that bad out. We haven't even had our first frost yet."

  
"How the fuck do you know that?"

  
"How the fuck do you not? We're supposed to be getting our first frost Wednesday morning."

  
That doesn't explain how the fuck he knows that.

  
"Which is why we're here in the first place!" Jade chimes in.

  
"Speaking of Wednesday, Rose told me to tell you she should be done with that sweater by then. So we should start figuring out what we're going to tell her."

  
"I thought maybe the truth was a good idea." Karkat shrugs.

  
"Yeah, I'm gonna have to say no to that noise." You refuse, shaking your head.

  
"Why? I know I've been giving you a lot of shit about it, but by human standards what you did doesn't count as anything, which is messed up as fuck, but true. Your sister's not gonna care. Plus, she went to all the trouble of knitting a sweater to gain pretty much useless information, I think she at least deserves to get the right information, you know?"

  
"I...guess?" He makes an okay argument in her favor. "What if she doesn't believe us?"

  
"The hell would be so unbelievable about it?" Karkat crosses his arms and squints at you. "Am I not good enough for you, Strider? Do I not live up to your standards?"

  
"Okay, fuck you and your shitty sarcasm. I was just saying, what if she doesn't believe we're not knee deep inside a quadrangle?"

  
"I thought you didn't "do" quadrants?"

  
"Well, no I don't-wait, when the fuck did I tell you that?"

  
"You told me that when we first met. Do you not remember that?" Karkat tilts his head at you questioningly.

  
"No, I can't say I do."

  
"I think what you said was..." he strokes his chin as he tries to recall whatever stupid thing you might have said for spur of the moment witticism. "any babe who's lucky enough to be a Strider rider won't bother looking for action in any other quadrants."

  
Jade's laughing, and you can feel your face heating up. That sounds....vaguely familiar. "I don't remember saying that. I think you're misremembering."

  
"Nope, that's definitely what you said. Ver-fucking-batim."

  
"Well, why don't you go ver-fuck yourself and get back to me when you actually have a helpful answer to our problem."

  
"I'm completely willing to go do that, and describe the act to you loudly and in great detail just to see how uncomfortable you get, but I'm not sure what the problem is."

  
"The problem is I don't want to talk to Rose about it."

  
"Okay, fine." Karkat sighs. "Will you shut up if I bitch about the sweater?"

  
"I don't know. What exactly are you going to bitch about?"

  
"Strider, this is me we're talking about. I'm sure I'll think of something. She never bothered to get my measurements, who knows, maybe the thing's too small."

  
You have to bite back a laugh at that. "Dude, I don't think being too small would be an issue. I mean, have you seen you? Not a problem. If we're going to be realistic here, I think a more likely issue would be it being too big. Then again, for you that also wouldn't be much of an issue."

  
Karkat's sneering at you now. "What the fuck was all that supposed to mean?"

  
"Exactly what I said." You shrug. "You're tiny and you wear big sweaters. Not everything I say is an insult, sometimes I just call it like I see it."

  
"You're a douchebag."

  
"Hey-"

  
"I call it like I see it."

  
"I hate to interrupt," Kanaya says, "but Rose does have your measurements."

  
"I'm sorry, what?" You reply. Both you and Karkat turn to look at Kanaya, who simply shrugs.

  
"We're in the same fashion design class. She approached me and explained the situation, which I was already aware of from Dave's memo, and I gave them to her."

  
"Okay," Karkat nods. "but why do you have my measurements."

  
"...Twelfth Perigee present." Kanaya admits quietly, staring at the ground.

  
"Oh. Um...thanks?"

  
Kanaya laughs. "It's a little early to be thanking me, don't you think?"

  
"Maybe, but thanks in advance, I guess."

  
"You're welcome in advance."

  
"You guys are both dorks." You get pelted with dirt from both of them for that.

  
"Everybody stop throwing dirt, we're done!" Jade cheers. "Let's get these plants out of here, guys!"

  
The gardening club begins to clear out, and you go to join them, carrying what you think is a lime tree sapling? Why the hell is that here?

  
"Yo, I'll see you two on the other side. Have fun cleaning up."

  
Jade, who's holding the door open for everyone, stops you by blocking the doorway with one woolen leg.

  
"Where do you think you're going, Dave?" She asks.

  
"I thought I was going downstairs, but I'm guessing I'm not?"

  
"Of course not, Dave! You have to help clean up."

  
"What? But I didn't throw any dirt! It was all those guys! I stayed mature the whole time!" Karkat snorts derisively behind you. "Shut up, Karkat."

  
"Make me."

  
"There you go!" Jade says insistently, as if that answered your demand.

  
"I don't understand, there you go what?" You question.

  
"There you go, black flirting and egging him on!"

  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I am not flirting-"

  
"Yes, you are. Now go help them clean up." She shoos you away back to Karkat and Kanaya, who are waiting patiently for you.

  
You grumble as you take back your seat on the ground.

  
Jade waves to the three of you as she leaves. "Bye, guys! Be careful with the plants when you leave!"

  
The three of you wave her away and get to work cleaning up.

 

Fifteen minutes and some more dirt tossing later, you're carrying the little lime tree down the stairs and out to the parking lot as you follow Karkat and Kanaya.

  
"I call shotgun." You call out.

  
"Fuck you, I have dibs on shotgun."

  
"Show some respect for your elders, Karkat."

  
"Show some respect for your leaders, Strider."

  
"No, I'm a rebel and I get shotgun."

  
"I order you to give me shotgun."

  
"Neither of you are getting shotgun." Kanaya says, shaking her head. "Dave, hand me that lime tree you're carrying."

  
You trade plants with Kanaya, and she puts the lime tree in the passenger seat and buckles it in.

  
"We have precious cargo, boys. The plants take precedence. Both of you will have to sit in the back."

  
"Fine."

  
"Whatever."

  
You both get in the back.

  
"Where the fuck are we taking these, anyway?" You inquire. "I only agreed to housing one plant."

  
"I'll take as many as I can, but most of them will be left in Karkat's care." Kanaya says from the front seat as she starts the engine.

  
"Which I still think is stupid, since I'm not even in the god damn club." Karkat grumbles.

  
"Yes, but you spend more time there than some of the actual members do. Why don't you join? You don't have any extra curriculars, Karkat. It'll look better if you join, colleges like that sort of thing."

  
"Kanaya, I already told you, I'm not going to college."

  
"I know, I was just hoping you would have changed your mind by now. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to further your education."

  
"Nah, I get it." You interject. "College isn't for everyone."

  
"Do you not plan on going either, Dave?" Kanaya asks.

  
You shrug. "I haven't really given it much thought."

  
Kanaya hums noncommitally, but you can tell she doesn't approve of either of your responses.

  
"My real concern is are we dropping off all these plants and then getting coffee or are we getting coffee and then dropping off all these plants?"

  
"Well, if we were to drop off the plants first, we would have to stop by Little Alternia. The shop I had in mind though is located in New Can Town, which is in the opposite direction of my home and is where I would drop the both of you off, anyway. So I suggest we get coffee first and then go our separate ways."

  
"Sounds good."

  
"It's that coffee place Eridan hates, right?" Karkat asks.

  
"Of course."

  
"Ah."

  
"Would you rather go to the one Eridan prefers?"

  
"Fuck, no. He and Feferi are going through some things right now and I'd rather not deal with them in a public setting."

  
"Really?" Kanaya sounds intrigued. "What happened? Those two have been experiencing quite the number of falling outs recently."

  
Karkat's eyes slide over to you. "I'll tell you later."

  
"What, so now I'm not allowed troll gossip? Rude." You cross your arms and pretend to be offended.

  
Karkat rolls his eyes at your dramatics. "I'll tell you any of the gossip if it pertains to your job, pea panned idiot."

  
"Wait, are you saying my brain is the size of a pea or that it's soaking in urine? Homophones, Karkat. That's some important shit right there."

  
Karkat strokes his chin thoughtfully. "That's a good question, coming from a panless moron. Which one would you find more offensive?"

  
"I dunno." You shrug. "Both are pretty offensive. Calling me a pea brain is a classic, but saying that my brain is soaked in urine like a preschooler's pants after downing three juice boxes before naptime is a new one."

  
"Okay, we'll go with that one." Karkat nods. "Or what if I said your think pan was full of frozen peas being sauteed in your own liquid excrement?"

  
"Diarrhea peas. Gross. I like it." You give him a thumbs up.

  
"That's what I said then."

  
"Got it. Nice burn."

  
"Thanks."  
"We're here." Kanaya announces, pulling into a parking space.

  
"Awesome." You get out of the car and note that the place looks pretty crowded. "I vote someone secures us all a seat."

  
"Seconded." Kanaya agrees.

  
"The vote's unanimous. Motion passes." Karkat adds.

  
"But who will brave the hordes? Who will find us an area and defend from enemy soldiers?"

  
"I vote Strider!" Karkat suggests quickly.

  
"Hey, not cool! I'm the one that suggested getting a spot holder in the first place!"

  
"That's why you should be the one to do it. You suggested it, you execute it." Karkat says smugly, crossing his arms.

  
Kanaya raises her hand and quietly adds her two cents. "Seconded."

  
"Fuck you guys. One of you better get me a pumpkin spice latte. Got it?"

  
Karkat wrinkles his nose at you. "Pumpkin spice?"

  
"Yes, pumpkin spice. Did I fucking stutter? It's delicious, you got something against one of the most delicious and versatile flavorings in the world, you bland bastard?"

  
"You're the reason everything is pumpkin spiced down, aren't you? You're the entire demographic, it's literally just you."

  
"I'm the reason pumpkin spice was _invented_."

  
"I fucking knew it."

  
Kanaya peers into the cafe during the entire exchange. "Karkat, would you mind getting me a chai tea, please? I believe I will combine forces with Dave and help find us some seating."

  
"Alright, sure. So that's a chai tea and autumn vomit?"

  
Kanaya nods. "Yes."

  
"Okay. See you two on the other side." He gives you a salute and stomps inside, the little bell above the door of the establishment announcing his entrance. You quickly lose sight of him.

  
Kanaya is second to take the plunge and enter, and you're quick to follow her so as not to lose track.

  
"Hey, Kanaya," you say as you elbow past the crowd, "what were you trying to do earlier?"

  
"I was driving. Why, did you find it unsatisfactory?" She asks innocently.

  
"Don't play coy with me, Maryam, you know exactly what I mean. That nonsense on the roof. Having me sit by Karkat, forcing me to accidentally compliment him. What's your end game? That all seemed pretty fucking weird from where I was sitting."

  
"Really? I thought you were thoroughly enjoying yourself." Kanaya locates a table, a little wrought iron number in the back of the shop, and takes a seat. "At least, that's what it looked like from my position."

  
"Well, I wasn't. I was just cold, and Karkat was warm. What the hell were you doing, whoring out his body heat to me like that?" You pull out your own seat and stare at her.

  
Kanaya is looking at her nails as if the color is the most interesting thing in the world. "I wasn't whoring out anything, I merely suggested you sit near him. You made it strange all by yourself, holding your hands inches away from his body as if you were going to touch him. You almost papped him a few times again, Dave, don't think I didn't notice that."

  
"I wouldn't have done that if you haven't suggested I sit there. Which brings me back to my original inquiry, what the hell, Kanaya?"

  
She's done looking at her hand and is making actual eye contact with you. "I discussed your slip up in our last chat with Nepeta, and she seemed to agree with me on something."

  
You furrow your brow. "Really? What?"

  
"Despite your negative origins, you two would make cute matesprits."

  
You're stunned into silence.

  
"One out of two romance experts I know personally agree with me. The one who agrees has a homemade shipping wall, so you know she's legit."

  
You don't know what to say. You're pretty sure your face is red enough to pass for a tomato. You really wish you were a tomato. Tomatoes don't have to deal with this shit. "A-and the other expert?"

  
She chuckles and looks past you, and you turn your head to follow her gaze to spy Karkat struggling to carry all three of your drinks without spilling over to the table. "He's a bit biased in this situation."

  
She gets up to help Karkat carry the drinks, as he looks dangerously close to spilling. You're thankful for the time to collect your thoughts and try to force your blood to move somewhere less conspicuous than your face.

  
Karkat and Kanaya come back, and Karkat slams the cups onto the table with a thump.

  
"How fucking hard is it to spell my name?" He groans as he falls into his chair. "I swear, everyone who works at coffeehouses is illiterate."

  
You turn his cup curiously to get a look at the misspelling. It can't be that bad, right?

  
You stare at the messy writing for a minute before taking out your phone and snapping a picture. Karkat catches on to what you're doing and snatches the cup, covering the butchering of his name with his hand. He's too late, though. You got the pic.

  
"Strider, what are you doing?"

  
"Car Cat, there was even a fucking space. John's gonna love it." You press send.

  
"Holy shit, don't send that to John! I'll never hear the end of it, it's not even that funny to begin with!"

  
"See, that's where you're wrong. That shit's hilarious. Did they misspell yours, Kanaya?"

  
Kanaya turns her cup. "No. Spelled correctly."

  
"Yeah, cause I fucking spelled it out for them. Stupid illiterate assholes." Karkat grumbles to himself.

  
"Thank you, Karkat."

  
"Dude, they totally misspelled mine." You say.

  
"Really? How?"

  
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is way too many letters to spell Dave, right?" You turn your cup to display the, surprisingly, correctly spelled, messy scrawl of your last name on the cup.

  
"Strider-"

  
You point at him. "See, there it is. That's not how you say Dave. You've been pronouncing my name wrong this whole time, Karkat, and now I finally have the guts to tell you so. My name's not Strider, it's Dave. Strider was Aragorn's nickname in Lord of the Rings. If we're going to be working together, I think you should start calling me by my name."

  
Karkat glares at your accusatory finger. "Strider, that's stupid."

  
"You're stupid. I'm the only one you refer to by last name. You're completely alienating me from the rest of the crew by doing that, you heartless bastard. Also it's dumb as fuck, I don't go around calling you Vantas, now do I? Especially now that we're colleagues. Fucking partners in crime. So unprofessional, bro. So, so unprofessional."

  
"Okay, fine, Dave." He sighs, taking a long sip of his coffee. "Have it your way, Dave. Happy now? Are you happy now, Dave? Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave."

  
He takes another drink and wipes his mouth on his sleeve. "Hey."

  
"Yes, Karkat?"

  
"Fuck you, Dave."

  
You lift an eyebrow at Kanaya. This is the troll she thinks you'd be in a cute matespritship with.

  
"Friendly banter aside," friendly your ass, "I thought it would be best if Dave was made aware of what he should be looking forward to job wise in the next week."

  
Karkat clears his throat. "We're thinking about getting together on Wednesday night. We'll meet up at my place and catch a ride with Slick to the location I will disclose to you the night of the job. Don't worry, it's mostly just patrol work, you know, making sure nobody steals anything or cheats or snitches or over doses on soporifics. Stuff like that. Patrol work. Wednesday is the perfect training night, the place should be almost dead."

  
"Okay, good to know." You take a sip of your latte. "Any other information you need to lay down on me?"

  
"I'll pester you if I come up with anything else. If I can't, I'll pester you on Wednesday to remind you to come to my place. Do you think you can manage whatever magic trick you pulled last time to get out again, or do we need to consider other options for you?"

  
"No, I think I'm good, thanks."

  
Wednesday seems to be an important day this week. It's the first frost, Rose's sweater day, hump day, mysterious gang activity night. With events like these, who has time for extra curriculars?

  
The three of you drink in an amicable silence before you decide to chug the last of your latte and fuck off. The two could probably use some alone time. They did just become an official couple, after all. You make zero PDA jokes on your way out out of fear of getting a hot beverage to the crotch and abscond out of there.

  
You take the lime tree home with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case my interest in pale Karkat/Kanaya wasn't clear.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After an extensive amount of research (meaning I did several google searches using the keywords "knitting" "sweater" and "average speed" that took all of twenty minutes to look over) I have come to the conclusion that it would probably be possible for Rose to finish a sweater in a little less than two weeks if she was a fast knitter and didn't do much else with her spare time. Which in this case is exactly what happened, for the sake of this chapter.  
> You can totally tell which parts of this chapter I came up with at two a.m. on the fly.

It's Wednesday, the most important day of the week, apparently. Last night you watched Rose pack a little knitted bundle into her backpack and, while casting a look at you, took the backpack into her room so you wouldn't take the thing. You guess she'd finished the sweater and was worried about you stealing it to prevent her leaning anything about your new not-relationship.

  
Little did she know that Karkat had agreed to not accepting the sweater and not giving her any information. You were in the clear.

  
In the morning you follow Rose down the hall as she searches for Karkat.

  
"Do you have any idea where he usually is in the morning, Dave?"

  
You shake your head. "Even if I did, you really think I'd tell you?"

  
You're pretty sure his bus wasn't here yet. You're willing to let her look around for awhile longer, then maybe you'll tell her.

  
As it turns out, you don't have to. As soon as the thought crosses your mind, a flood of students (mainly carapace) enter the building, and you and Rose are almost swept away before you can get yourselves out of the current.

  
At the end of the flash flood is Karkat, trailing behind slowly and pounding at the keys on his phone without looking where he's going. He's staying in a pretty much straight line for someone who's not paying attention to his surroundings, though. You figure this isn't new for him.

  
"Yo Karkat, who are you texting at this godforsaken hour?"

  
Karkat nearly jumps at the sound of your voice, too focused on whatever the fuck he'd been doing to even notice you were there.

  
The way he's glowering at you shows that his attention has shifted from the phone to you now.

  
"Strider." He sneers.

  
"Hey, no. It's Dave now, remember? Dave."

  
Karkat shakes his head like you would to clear an Etch-A-Sketch. "Yeah, sorry. Dave. That's none of your fucking business, Dave. Get out of my face."

  
"I'm not anywhere near your face." You counter. "I am willing to get awkwardly close to your face until you answer my question, though."

  
You shuffle closer and bend at the knees so you're pretty much face to face with Karkat, who doesn't look amused.

  
"Well?" You inch closer.

  
Karkat bares his teeth at you and pulls back his fist, and for a moment you think he's going to punch you again. Instead he takes his index finger and pushes it against the tip if your nose until your head tilts back and he doesn't have to look at your face.

  
He goes back to his phone and continues his task one handed. "If you really have to stick your shit sniffing nub into it so badly then I'll just tell you. I'm rewriting an essay for my English class."

  
"Oh, right. Isn't that due tomorrow? Ten page analysis of a book of your choice or whatever?"

  
"Yes." He swipes his finger away from your nose, his task is most likely easier to complete with both hands.

  
"Why the fuck didn't you start it sooner, then?"

  
"I did!" He moans loudly. "I had it completely done and I was about as satisfied as I could get about it, which isn't a lot, it was mostly just me giving up on writing anything decent, but that's not the point right now. The point is I was fucking done, I had this shit printed out and ready to turn in for a grade slightly above failing and I was happy with that. Then, like a stupid dumbfuck high on residual sopor pie fumes, I left it on the table in the kitchen and didn't bother saving the file after I'd printed. Guess what I found before I managed to drag myself to bed at a reasonable hour for once in my miserable existence?"

  
You don't have time to guess before he's rummaging through his backpack for whatever it is, tossing it on the floor dramatically when he finds it. You pick it up.

  
It's a stack of paper, roughly ten sheets, all torn apart and taped meticulously back together again. There's also sloppy black pen marks all over the paper and what appears to be coffee stains.

  
"Dude, what the hell happened to your essay?"

  
Karkat snatches the papers back from you. "Jack decided to help me with my homework." He mutters bitterly. "It took me a good three and a half hours to get all the pieces taped back together. He did leave some good notes, though, I'll give him that much."

  
He stuffs it back into his bag.

  
"So I guess it's safe to say you can't turn in that copy? Or ask for an extended deadline or something."

  
"Teachers don't really accept "my guardian stabbed my homework" as an excuse anymore." Karkat says, rubbing his face with his hand. He looks exhausted.

  
"Are you okay?"

  
"Fine as fuck, Dave."

  
"I don't think that's a saying."

  
"It's a saying, I just said it. Here's one you might be more familiar with, shut the fuck up and get out of my sight." Karkat starts to push past you, but you don't budge.

  
"Actually, I'm here for a totally different reason. Harrassing you was just a bonus. It's Wednesday, remember?"

  
Karkat just stares blankly back at you. "And?"

  
"And Rose, were you just going to stand there like a creepy ass wallflower or were you going to jump in and do your thing?"

  
"I'm sorry, I saw no opportunity to interrupt the two of you, so I chose to observe you both instead."

  
Rose approaches and you slide out of her way to let her take your place in front of Karkat. At some point during her "observation" of you and Karkat, she had removed the finished sweater from her bag and held it clutched in a bundle close to her chest.

  
"Karkat," she begins, clearing her throat, "I assume you remember our deal?"

  
He nods firmly. "Yes."

  
Rose holds out the bundle to him. "This is for you."

  
Karkat accepts it. "I reserve the right to withhold information if I don't like it."

  
"Naturally. However in that case I will accept two lies and a truth in exchange for services rendered."

  
Karkat wrinkles his nose at her. "What the hell does that mean?"

  
"It's a simple inversion of the game two truths and a lie. In this case, you will tell me two false statements and one true one, all pertaining to your relationship with my brother. I will try to determine which of the three statements is the truth. Unlike the game I will not tell you my final answer and you are not obligated to reveal which statement is fact to me. Deal?"

  
Rose sticks out her hand.

  
Karkat looks at it thoughtfully, holding the sweater in one hand. Then he looks at you as if to weigh your opinion with his gaze. You shrug. This wasn't an option you'd considered.

  
Karkat turns back to Rose and takes her hand. "Deal."

  
They shake and break apart, Karkat unfolding the sweater while Rose watches quietly, a slight smirk on her face. Either way, she gains new information. It's a win for her no matter what.

  
"Well?" Rose inquires.

  
Karkat gives her a look that you find hard to read as he folds the sweater over on his arm. "I have to try it on first to see how it fits before I make any decisions."

  
He brushes past her and marches to they boy's bathroom not too far down the hall from where you currently stand.

  
"What are you going to do with the sweater if he doesn't like it?" You wonder out loud. Rose had spent literally every spare moment she had knitting. She'd only stopped for John's party and the occasional bout of sleep. You'd heard her cursing her circadian rhythms in those instances.

  
"I don't see that as an issue worth considering. He'll like it just fine."

  
You shake your head in disbelief. Rose was always so overconfident when it came to her knitting. "What makes you say that?"

  
"Kanaya assured me he would." She shrugs. "As his moirail, I trust her opinion regarding his preferences."

  
"Since when have you been hanging out with Kanaya?"

  
"Since you started hanging out with Karkat. Though I did know her briefly before that, as we do share the same fashion design class. That's actually where I approached her, I recognized her tone from the memo and asked if she could help me with the sweater. Since she was already familiar with the situation, she agreed with almost no persuasion. We've been in correspondence ever since." Rose's face fell suddenly and she bit her lip as she stroked her chin thoughtfully. "I'm going to have to think of something else to talk about with her now. Hm."

  
You don't get the chance to question your sister's budding crush on Kanaya before your phone goes off.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE, I NEED YOU TO COME INTO THE BATHROOM RIGHT FUCKING NOW.  
TG: why  
TG: youre always asking me to do weird stuff  
TG: dave come over to my house at midnight  
TG: dave dont tell anyone about my murder plan  
TG: dave help me clean up all these cards my friends threw everywhere  
TG: dave come into the bathroom with me  
TG: just answer me this  
TG: why  
CG: I GAVE YOU AN EXPLANATION FOR ALL OF THOSE. YOU REALLY WANT TO HASH THIS SHIT OUT NOW? COULDN'T THIS HAVE WAITED UNTIL LATER TONIGHT? OR WHEN I WASN'T BUSY HOLING MYSELF UP IN A DIRTY BATHROOM STALL? LITERALLY ANY OTHER TIME THAN RIGHT NOW WOULD BE GREAT, I WOULD LOVE TO LOOK OVER THESE BULLSHIT ACCUSATIONS WITH YOU, I REALLY WOULD.  
CG: BUT COULD YOU MAYBE DO WHAT I ASKED WITHOUT NEEDING AN EXPLANATION FOR EVERY LITTLE MINUSCULE REQUEST I MAKE TO YOU?  
CG: OKAY, BUT KARKAT WHY ARE WE MEETING AT MIDNIGHT?  
CG: WHAT'S MY MOTIVATION FOR NOT TELLING ANYONE ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF YOU EXACTING AN EPIC REVENGE PLAN, DUDE?  
CG: WHY DO I HAVE TO GO INTO A PUBLIC RESTROOM WITH YOU WHEN I WOULD RATHER STAND AROUND ON MY STICK THIN FRONDS IN THE HALLWAY AND WHINE ABOUT HAVING TO DO STUFF SOMETIMES? WHY, KARKAT?  
CG: WHY?  
TG: touche  
TG: you forgot to make fun of me for the card one  
CG: THAT ONE WAS ALL YOU TO BEGIN WITH I HONESTLY HAD NO IDEA WHAT YOU WERE DOING.  
CG: BY THE WAY, WE TOOK THE CARDS OUT AGAIN AND BUILT A HOUSE OUT OF THEM AFTER YOU LEFT.   
TG: what the hell kanaya said you guys just played fidusspawn and talked shop  
CG: THAT'S ALL ALSO TRUE. IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD MEETING, OVER ALL.  
CG: SO, HEY ARE YOU GOING TO MOVE YOUR ASS TO THE BATHROOM AND THROW IT BACK WHERE IT BELONGS?  
CG: RIGHT INTO THIS FILTHY LOAD GAPER. BECAUSE NEWS FLASH, YOU ARE SHIT. YOU ARE LITERAL SHIT.  
TG: is the bathroom really that gross thats the second time you called it some synonym to unclean its kind of starting to worry me  
CG: IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING IN HERE. IT SMELLS LIKE STALE PISS AND RAW SEWAGE AND THE FAINTEST HINT OF OLD SOAP. KIND OF LIKE SOMEONE TRIED TO SOAP THE PLACE DOWN, BUT GAVE UP BECAUSE THE STENCH WAS TOO HORRIFIC FOR THEM TO STAY LONGER THAN A FUCKING MINUTE WITHOUT POURING BLEACH INTO THEIR NASAL CAVITIES TO GET THE SMELL OUT ONCE AND FOR FUCKING ALL.  
TG: okay so thats smell thanks man anything else to add  
CG: THIS MIRROR IS BROKEN AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE GLASS SHARDS ARE. PROBABLY SOMEWHERE ON THE FLOOR WHERE SOME POOR ASSHOLE WILL STEP ON THEM AND CONTRACT SOME STUPID, TOTALLY PREVENTABLE BLOOD DISEASE.  
TG: hows the lighting  
CG: B HORROR MOVIE. AT BEST.  
TG: alright im not going in there have fun alone in the gross scary bathroom dude  
CG: NO, YOU HAVE TO COME IN HERE RIGHT NOW.  
TG: i dunno man youre not making it sound appealing at all i mean i like raw sewage as much as the next guy but i cant handle b horror movie lighting that shits really unflattering to my  skin  
TG: not that you would understand since everythings unflattering to your skin  
TG: burn  
CG: WOULDN'T YOU RATHER BURN ME IN PERSON AND SEE THE WAY MY FACE CONTORTS IN PURE, UNABASHED LOATHING TOWARDS YOU?  
TG: okay seriously why do you want me in the bathroom so much i know this isnt a booty call or anything because its way too close to class time wait did you lock yourself in a stall is the stall door stuck  
TG: are you stuck in a stall and cant get out karkat answer me is that it  
CG: NO, I  
CG: FUCK, I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS OUT LOUD.  
CG: I DROPPED MY SWEATER IN A TOILET.  
TG: the new one  
CG: THE ONE I WAS WEARING BEFORE.  
TG: you know toilet waters gross but its actually clean so it should be fine as long as you dry it and not think about it  
CG: YOU REMEMBER THAT STALE PISS AND RAW SEWAGE SMELL I MENTIONED? YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SCROLL THE FUCK UP IF YOU DON'T, I HAVE ZERO PATIENCE WITH REPEATING WHAT I LITERALLY JUST TYPED A MOMENT AGO FOR YOUR SORRY ASS.  
CG: IT'S COMING FROM THIS TOILET. IT'S BACKED UP.  
TG: how  
TG: seriously karkat just how did this turn of events happen i dont understand  
CG: OH MY FUCK, REALLY, DAVE? I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO BE A DOUCHEBAG AND ASK MORE QUESTIONS LIKE A DUMBASS. JUST GET THE HELL INTO THIS BATHROOM AND DO  SOMETHING.  
TG: okay fine here i come what do you want me to do  
CG: ...  
CG: I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE.

 

You don't even bother ending the pesterlog when you push into the bathroom, just turn off your phone and stow it in your back pocket. Karkat's standing in the corner, hunched over his phone when you enter. There's panic in his face at first, but then he registers that it's just you and it droops to a standard, tired frown. He straightens up and folds his arms over his chest like he didn't just beg you to come help him out.

  
"Well?" He demands.

  
You shrug. "Your sweater's cute."

  
That's all you got.

  
In your defense, it is pretty cute. All slate gray and baggy...granted, the sweaters he usually wore were baggy, but this looked different. The other ones were normal sweaters bought a size or two too big, this one was purposefully designed with him in mind. It hung off his frame nicely. You had to hand it to Rose, she really knew what she was doing.

  
The collar was pretty low. It drew your gaze straight to his clavicle.

  
Speaking of where your gaze was drawn...

  
"Dave!" Karkat snapped, waving his hands to get your attention. "What the fuck are you staring at?"

  
He's glaring up at you, hands on his hips. Damn if he didn't look adorable.

  
What.

  
The sweater. The sweater's adorable.

  
You should probably answer him.

  
"You have a crab on your sweater." You point out the little black iron on crab positioned right above his heart.

  
"I know! Look at it, it's fucking adorable as shit!" He instantly lights up and clutches the crab with both his hands.

  
Oh, damn. You take that revised thought back. He does look adorable.

  
"Okay, so the sweater's nice. Good to know. What did you call me in here for?"

  
His head drops and he crosses his arms over his chest, sighing. "I don't know."

  
You peer into an open bathroom stall to gauge the damage. And yup, that was disgusting. You could see the black sleeve dripping disgusting fluid onto the floor.

  
"Okay, that thing's beyond saving."

  
"You don't think I know that, asshole?"

  
"Well, what the fuck do you want me to do about that?" You snap right back at him. "Why is this bathroom so terrible? The other one across the building is just fine."

  
"I know!" He throws his hands up before rubbing his face tiredly with both his hands and continues, exasperated. "I can't go through with the plan, Dave. If I bitch about the sweater, then I'll have to return it. I don't have any spare shirts." Then he adds guiltily before you can respond, "Plus this sweater's comfortable."

  
You sort of want to laugh at him. Okay, not sort of. The urge is strong, but you fight it back. You manage to confine it to a smirk. God, this situation is ridiculous.

  
"Dude, it's fine. You can keep it on if you want. I'm not gonna stop you. There were a lot of unforeseen circumstances going on with thing and the plan was half assed, anyway. You do you."

  
Karkat's shoulders slump. "So you're okay with the plan being off?"

  
You shrug. "Sure. I mean, look at all the leverage I have on you now." You gesture towards the toilet sweater.

  
He grimaces at the gross sweater and tucks a loose lock of hair behind his ear. "Fuck you, Dave."

  
"We can talk about that some other time." You go over to the bathroom door and hold it open. "You coming?"

  
Karkat huffs. "Yeah, I'm coming."

  
Karkat stomps out of the bathroom, and you follow casually behind. Rose is standing in the middle of the hallway, exactly where you left her without telling her. She smiles behind her hand when she sees the two of you.

  
"Oh, good, there you both are. I was beginning to think I would have to break up your bathroom tryst."

  
"It wasn't a bathroom tryst, Rose, and you know it. If we ever were to have a lover's rendezvous I think we would be a little more secretive about it. And hopefully in a cleaner venue."

  
She chuckles. "Yes, I would hope as much. Karkat, that sweater looks nice on you."

  
"Thanks. I like it, it's really fucking soft. What kind of wool is this?" He brushes his fngers lightly against one of the sleeves. You note that the sleeve hangs down all the way to his knuckles.

  
"Alpaca, I think."

  
"It's nice as hell." He nods appreciatively. "So, what did you want to know?"

  
"Anything you can disclose to me about your relationship with my brother."

  
"Alright, well I hope you're comfortable on your feet, Lalonde, because this story is going to be long as fuck."

  
"I am perfectly comfortable where I am, yes. Continue."

  
Karkat opens his mouth to launch into his story, then promptly snaps it shut and turns to look at you.

  
You nod your approval.

  
He turns back to Rose and takes a deep breath. "I met your brother by accident in a police station and he pissed me off and drew penises in one of my favorite books and also he left me his chumhandle on the back cover and when I left the station I contacted him and yelled at him about it and then he gave me some really shitty advice about my moirail that led to me getting dumped and I wasn't really okay with that so when I saw him again last week I decided to kick his ass and we both know how that turned out."

  
He stops to take another breath before continuing. "So after that we were sent to the principal's office and we had to wait there and then your brother decided to be a douche and pester me instead of talk to me face to face like a fucking normal person and then he decided it would be a good idea to pap me in the face which of course was not a good idea it was probably the worst idea anyone has ever had and then he started ignoring me which was weird but not the weirdest thing that ever happened anyway it turned out he was talking to Jade and Kanaya about it and then Kanaya left her class to come talk to me I mean it was a study hall but it's the thought that counts, right?"

  
There was a pause, Karkat was breathing raggedly by the end, a slight red tint to his face. You and Rose let him catch his breath.

  
"Anyway, Dave and I are just friends now. No quadrants or anything. Was that what you wanted to hear?"

  
Rose nods. "Yes. Thank you, Karkat. I'll be seeing you."

  
Rose waves goodbye to the both of you and heads off to her first class, ever the early arrival. You still have a solid ten minutes before classes even start. You and Karkat begin your won journey down the hall, going the same direction and keeping stride. You're not sure if this is done on purpose by him to stay in touch with you or if he was already heading this direction.

  
"Dude, I don't get you." You admit, shaking your head.

  
Karkat lifts an eyebrow at you. "The fuck do you mean?"

  
"You were so civil with Rose that entire time, it was surreal. What the hell was with that?"

  
"It was a business transaction, Dave." He scoffs. "Like I told you before, you have to keep business and personal life separate. Even in the presence of people who populate both areas."

  
"So you're saying if that had been a normal conversation, then-"

  
"Then there would have been a lot more cussing out and name calling."

  
"All the yelling and stuff counts as friendly banter, then?"

  
"No, I say that shit to my enemies, too." He rolls his eyes. "If this is you subtly asking if we're friends, then the answer is yes, Dave, I consider us friends. Not close friends, fuck no, but we're definitely on friendly terms."

  
"Okay, cool, because that's exactly where I was going with this." You nod. "What are you going to do about the sweater?"

  
Karkat looks down at the sweater he's wearing. "I was planning on keeping it on. Unless you had any better ideas?"

  
"No, I meant the one soaking in dirty toilet water."

  
Karkat's face freezes in the most mortified expression you've ever seen as his eyes grow distant. You figure he's replaying the events that resulted in sewer sweater.

  
"I'm just going to leave it there and pretend it didn't happen." He answers finally, averting his eyes as the both of you walk by the bathroom.

  
"Sounds like a plan." You nod. "How the fuck did that even happen?"

  
"How did what happen?"

  
"You know, your sweater. In the toilet."

  
"Dave, what the hell are you talking about? I don't understand." He knits his eyebrows together and feigns ignorance. You gotta admit, he's one hell of an actor.

  
"Oh my god, I know you said you were going to pretend it didn't happen, but can you maybe get your denial on after explaining what happened so I don't lose sleep over a dumb toilet sweater?"

  
"What the fuck is a toilet sweater? Dave, are you okay? You're making less sense than usual, and that's saying a fucking lot. Are you sick or something? Dizzy? Can you see okay? How many fingers am I holding up?"

  
He sticks both of his middle fingers up at you while wearing the most done expression you've ever seen. As far as he's concerned, the thing with the sweater never happened, and you should just forget about it.  
You have no verbal response to his facetious question or his expression, so you do the only thing you can think of to do.

  
You hold up your phone and snap a picture of Karkat before he can do anything. Fuck, you forgot to turn off the flash.

  
Karkat blinks the bright light away and out of his eyes and stares in wide eyed confusion for a moment. You almost take a picture of that, too, but he rubs his eyes on his sleeve before you can act on it.  
"Dave, what the hell?" Karkat gives you a snaggletoothed sneer, upper lip curling slightly.

  
You look down at your phone and at the picture you took. It's surprisingly good. You got his whole face, one horn, and both his fingers as he flipped you off.

  
"I'm keeping this." You nod approvingly to yourself.

  
Karkat launches at you suddenly and tries to grab your phone, but you hold it up over your head and out of his reach.

  
"Give me your phone, asshole!" He swipes his arm left and right, the other hand digging into your shirt for leverage as he leans against you and stretches.

  
"Why, did you want me to forward it to you?" You ask innocently.

  
"No, give me your phone!"

  
"You know, it's not even a bad picture. I think Kanaya would agree with me. Should I send it to her, you think?"

  
Karkat growls in the back of his throat and steps onto your foot to gain height. It's with this action that you realize that you're both very close, extremely close, practically on top of each other, even, in the middle of the hallway.

  
You nearly drop your phone as you feel the thin barrier of Karkat's new sweater against your face as he stretches in an attempt to get your phone, which is still out of reach.

  
Your eyes wander a bit to the dip of the sweater's neck and then simply his neck itself. You have a clear view of his jugular as it pulses lazily under his skin.

  
You keep your eyes on that rhythm, or you try your best to, anyway. You can't help it when your attention shifts to his mouth.

  
It's because he's biting his lip now, you convince yourself. Yeah, that's it. The movement caught your attention, that was all.

  
So why are you still looking?

  
You don't get the time to over analyze. Thankfully, your brain is saved by the bell. Karkat is quick to get off you, bid a final fare fucking well, and promises to pester you later about tonight.

  
You are much slower to respond, and when you do you just say alright and wave like an idiot as Karkat runs away down the hall and out of your field of vision.

  
You try not to think about Karkat for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally supposed to take place over the entirety of a Wednesday, but halfway through I realized it would be maybe twice as long as the longest chapter this fic has had so far and I thought you know what? Nah. I'll divide that sucker up.  
> So expect Wednesday part 2 soon.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, as promised! Wednesday part 2.  
> Sorry it took so long.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: JUST IN CASE YOU NEEDED A FUCKING RECAP, WE'RE MEETING TONIGHT. MY HOUSE. MIDNIGHT.  
TG: rose would laugh if she ever found out how not far off she was about the trysts  
TG: shed be all  
TG: i warned you about the trysts bro  
TG: i told you dog  
CG: DAVE, STOP REFERENCING YOUR SHITTY COMIC FOR A SECOND AND JUST TELL ME IF ANY OF THAT RINGS A DONG SHOUTER.  
TG: wait you read sbahj  
CG: I HAD TO, JOHN AND JADE KEPT MAKING REFERENCES TO IT WHEN WE FIRT STARTED HANGING OUT AND I WAS FORCED TO READ IT JUST TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS SO FUNNY. HONESTLY, I STILL DON'T GET IT. IS IT A HUMAN THING?  
TG: nah its pretty much shit by human standards but i do have a troll friend whos into it we slip shitty comics under each others doors sometimes just to clarify shes my neighbor and shes also totally awesome  
TG: hey what did you think  
CG: YOU MADE MY GANDERBULBS PUKE. THERE WAS ACTUAL VOMIT ALL OVER MY HUSKTOP. THE DOCTORS COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME, DAVE. IT WAS AWFUL. I WAS IN AND OUT OF HOSPITALS FOR WEEKS. I WAS CONSIDERED A MEDICAL MARVEL, THERE WERE EVEN RESEARCH PAPERS WRITTEN ABOUT ME AND MY AMAZING SPEWING GLANCE NUGGETS. I THOUGHT I WAS GOOD AS DEAD. I COULDN'T TAKE IN ANY FOOD, DAVE. IT JUST CAME BACK UP FULL BLAST OUT OF MY TEAR DUCTS AND PAINTED THE WALLS IN WET, SALTY GLOBS. IT WAS FUCKING AWFUL. THEN, WITH WHAT I WAS CERTAIN WAS MY DYING BREATH, I CURSED MYSELF FOR EVER READING SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF. WHEN MY DOCTOR HEARD ME SAY THIS, HE TOLD ME I COULD GO HOME AS LONG AS I SWORE TO TAKE THEIR EXPERIMENTAL MIRACLE CURE: SWALLOWING A PILL MADE ENTIRELY OF SHIT FOR A WHOLE WEEK WHILE JERKING MYSELF OFF TO COMPLETION TO THE SOUNDS OF CLASSIC SMOOTH JAZZ BEING COVERED BY A BAND COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF KAZOOS AND PROMISED TO NEVER, EVER, READ SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I LIVED.  
TG: so you didnt like it or  
CG: I WOULD RATHER EAT SHIT FOR A WEEK THAN READ YOUR WEB COMIC. WHAT PART OF THAT WAS UNCLEAR?  
TG: i dont know youre just hard to read sometimes you know  
TG: hey karkat whats a dong shouter  
CG: I THINK BELL IS THE HUMAN WORD FOR DONG SHOUTER.  
TG: dude why do you use troll words anyway human words are so much easier and also simpler dont even pretend  
TG: you knew you meant bell i know you know the human words theres no way you read that many books and never ran into the word bell  
CG: I REFUSE TO SUCCUMB TO YOUR STUPID HIGHBLOOD LANGUAGE.  
TG: okay well rehash this shit later remind me okay put that on the backburner on low on the priority list were meeting again at midnight karkat i hate to be that guy but  
TG: its a school night  
TG: thats eight hours before school im already so tired  
CG: QUIT WHINING, DAVE. YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.  
TG: this isnt a one time thing  
CG: FUCK NO, YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF THIS IS A ONCE A MONTH THING.  
TG: are you kidding me karkat i need sleep its important  
CG: SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK, DAVE. YOU CAN SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.  
TG: no ill be too busy being dead to sleep when im dead  
TG: how long are we even going to be out doing our thing  
CG: A COUPLE HOURS. IF NOTHING HAPPENS WE SHOULD BE DONE BY MAYBE FOUR? THINGS COULD CHANGE, THOUGH.  
TG: four as in in the morning that gives us like two hours of actual sleeping time before school starts when am i supposed to sleep karkat i cant get through the school day without being awake i think my teachers will notice  
CG: COFFEE.  
TG: well obviously but i think this problem will take more than just coffee to solve  
CG: IF YEARS OF INSOMNIA TAUGHT ME FUCKALL IT'S THAT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH COFFEE. HOW MUCH COFFEE DO YOU USUALLY DRINK?  
TG: i dunno two maybe three cups  
CG: THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU SHOULD BE DRINKING AT LEAST FIVE. YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO BE ANY SORT OF FUNCTIONAL FOR SCHOOL LATER.  
TG: you drink at least five cups of coffee how much do you normally drink  
CG: EIGHT TO TEN, DEPENDING ON HOW SHITTY MY DAY'S BEEN OR HOW TIRED I AM.  
CG: FOR INSTANCE TODAY WAS A SHITTY AND TIRING DAY THAT IS STILL HAPPENING, SO I AM CURRENTLY DRINKING MY ELEVENTH CUP OF SHITTY COFFEE. THERE'S OUTLIERS IN EVERY STATISTIC.  
TG: karkat thats kind of not good are you okay how are you even alive i dont understand thats not healthy at all maybe you should cut back on the caffeine  
CG: FUCK YOU, I'M COMPLETELY HEALTHY. YOU SOUND LIKE KANAYA.  
TG: no i don't  
TG: Now I Sound Like Kanaya.  
CG: HEH. SO, ARE YOU COMING OR NOT? DO I HAVE TO SEND A GUY TO SPRING YOU FROM YOUR OWN HOUSE, DAVE? ARE YOU TOO INCOMPETENT TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO REPEAT LAST SATURDAY'S DARING ESCAPE?  
TG: yeah yeah ill try not to be late but no promises i gotta sneak out of the place you know  
TG: wait for me  
CG: DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

It's about nine now, so you have some time to kill before getting a move on to Karkat's and doing whatever extremely illegal thing that was planned for tonight. You kind of want to take a nap, but that would look suspicious. So would making coffee this late at night like Karkat suggested, no matter how much of it you made.

  
You shuffle off to the kitchen to see if there's anything else you could use to keep yourself awake for an obscene amount of time. There doesn't seem to be much, but-oh, hello. Jackpot.

  
You take out a couple bottles of apple juice and an equal amount of redbull, stashing them in the backpack you have lying on the kitchen floor. That should keep you awake, probably. If not, at least it'll taste good.

  
Lucky for you it's a school night, for the same reason it's unlucky for you. Everyone should be asleep by the time you sneak out.

  
You suppose you could leave Dirk a note in case he wakes up and realizes you're not there. It's not like he isn't cool with covering for you, although he'd probably prefer not to.

  
Yeah, you'll leave him a note.

  
By eleven you're pretty sure everyone's asleep. You can hear Roxy snoring, and that's enough proof for you. You and Roxy are birds of a feather in the late night front, if she's asleep then everyone else probably is, too.

  
Your father is home tonight, which again is good and not good. On the one hand, you know for sure you won't run into him while he's doing his undercover thing and hopefully not failing at it. But on the other hand, sneaking out of the apartment was different when the chance of being caught by a parental figure was added. Any attempts to talk your way out would be ignored, interrogation tactics would be implemented, and you would be grounded forever.

  
So, yeah, your dad being home was a win/lose situation.

  
You crawl out of your bed and search the floor for your pants, slipping them on before moving as slowly as possible to the door. You stuck a post-it note on the door explaining that you were out with Karkat again and that you hoped Dirk wouldn't say anything. Hopefully you would be home before he had a chance to read it.

  
You slide across the hall floor in your socks, as it's probably the quietest way to get through the apartment. You get your shoes on and are out the door before you remember to double back for your backpack.  
Everything goes smoothly, just like last time. Except unlike last time, no one's going to catch you. You're in the clear.

  
Your phone buzzes, someone's pestering you. It's probably Karkat again, telling you to hurry the fuck up. You sigh and open up pesterchum.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GC: D4V3 1S TH4T YOU?? WH3R3 4R3 YOU GO1NG 4T TH1S T1M3 OF N1GHT >:?  
TG: tz what the hell how did you know i left i was so careful  
GC: 1M BL1ND NOT D34F  
TG: well damn here i thought i was being sneaky  
GC: NOP3 YOUR3 TH3 L34ST SN34KY P3RSON 1N TH1S 3NT1R3 BU1LD1NG >:]  
TG: ouch why do you hurt me like this terezi why  
GC: B3C4US3 1T'S FUN!! H3H3H3H!!  
GC: YOU ST1LL H4V3NT TOLD M3 WH3R3 YOUR3 GO1NG  
TG: why is everyone so invested in where im going and what im doing all of a sudden i mean where was this interest a month ago huh  
GC: B3C4US3 YOUR3 F1N4LLY 1NT3R3ST1NG D4V3!!  
TG: there you go hurting me again you sick sadistic fuck  
GC: 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO T3LL M3 WH3RE YOUR3 GO1NG OR DO 1 H4V3 TO P3ST3R ROS3 4BOUT 1T  
TG: whoa whoa nope lets not get rose involved in this she doesnt know what im doing and id prefer it stay that way  
TG: listen im meeting someone and thats all im saying on the subject  
GC: 1S TH1S 4...  
GC: ROM4NT1C 3NT4NGL3M3NT >:]  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]  
TG: no its not no matter what anyone says especially dirk dont listen to him  
GC: SO D1RK H4S 1NFORM4T1ON ON TH1S??  
TG: no he doesnt and everything he says is lies  
GC: W3LL 1F 1TS NOT ROM4NT1C TH3N TH3 ONLY TH1NG TH4T 1 C4N 3V3N TH1NK OF H4PP3N1NG TH1S L4T3 4T N1GHT 1S CR1M1N4L 4CT1V1TY  
GC: SO D4V3 H4V3 YOU TURN3D YOUR B4CK ON TH3 L4W?? >:[  
TG: okay terezi you got me im a member in a big organized crime syndicate and i have to go do some stuff in an underground casino you know maybe rough some guys up make sure all the drugs are actually drugs and not like powdered sugar or rock candy or surge soda  
TG: why is that a thing again i mean its like mountain dew but more orangey  
TG: i mean it has an orange juice after taste its still green like mountain dew  
GC: OK4Y OK4Y SO 1TS NOT CR1M1N4L WH1CH L34DS M3 B4CK TO MY OR1G1N4L CONCLUS1ON  
GC: ROM4NC3  
GC: SO WHOS TH3 LUCKY DUD3 OR DUD3TT3?? 4NYON3 1 KNOW??  
TG: i swear we just had this conversation no its not romantic and no its not anyone you know  
TG: actually i take that back he knows nepeta you might know him i dont know  
GC: W41T D4V3 1S 1T 3QU1US?? 4R3 YOU D4T1NG 3QU1US?? J3GUS MY MON3Y W4S ON D1RK D4T1NG 3QU1US BUT WH4T3V3R 1 GU3SS  
TG: no its not equius oh my god that would be gross as fuck i mean can you imagine all the sweat i would drown  
TG: im not dating anyone pay attention to my words  
GC: W3LL WHO 1S 1T TH3N?? COM3 ON T3LL M3!!  
TG: okay so you remember that guy who i fought with and then i got suspended  
TG: its that guy  
GC: 1NT3R3ST1NG!! DO 1 G3T 4 N4M3??  
TG: fuck no thats more information than i meant to give you in the first place deal with it  
TG: find out for yourself hey heres an idea maybe bug nepeta about it werent you looking for an excuse to pester her anyway  
TG: you know so you could get your flirtation on  
TG: anyways got to go i have a nonromantic rendezvous to get to  
GC: K33P T3LL1NG YOURS3LF TH4T  
GC: WH4T3V3R YOUR3 DO1NG H4V3 FUN >;]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

You're halfway to Karkat's by the time you finish it off with Terezi. Why was there a sudden interest in everything you do? It wasn't like you were that boring of a person before that, right?

  
Well, maybe.

  
At any rate, you'd never snuck out of your house before you started this whole thing up.

  
Your phone buzzes again.

  
You'd also had a sudden spike in popularity since you'd planned your infiltration of the Midnight Crew.

  
You're still not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GA: Karkat Is Wondering What Is Taking You So Long  
TG: well if hes that concerned why didnt he bug me about it  
GA: He Says He Has Better Things To Do Than Talk To You He Does Not Want To Suffer A Stroke When He Is So Close To Finishing That Essay He Was Working So Hard On  
GA: His Words Not Mine  
TG: kanaya if they were really his words i would hope you would go the whole nine yards and TURN ON YOUR CAPS LOCK AND FUCKING SHOUT THEM AT ME you feel me  
GA: I Am Not Comfortable Using Other Peoples Typing Quirks If You Must Know It Was Not Exactly How He Phrased It But That Was Definitely The Gist Of What He Was Saying There Was A Lot More Colorful Language Present In The Verbatim Version  
TG: well yeah hes gotta get color in there somewhere i mean his text is so boring and gray and fucking troll anonymous whats even the point of that i mean doesnt everyone already know his blood is as red as my text  
GA: No Actually That Was A Heavily Guarded Secret For Sweeps I Only Know About It Because I Was A Close Confidant For Sweeps Most People Are Still In The Dark About The Exact Hue Of Karkats Blood All Most Know For Sure Is That He Is A Lowblood I Am Not Even Sure Gamzee Knew And He Was His Moirail For Sweeps Are You Saying He Told You  
TG: well yeah i guess it didnt really seem like that big a deal though but im a human and i have a very limited understanding of your societys weird blood thing  
GA: The Hemospectrum You Mean  
TG: yeah that  
GA: I Have To Say Dave The Fact That Karkat Told You About His Position On The Hemospectrum Makes Me Think That I Was Not Too Far Off Base About Which Quadrant You Would Fit Best That Is Not Information One Would Reveal To A Potential Kismesis And Should Not Be Taken Lightly I Stand By My Matesprit Theory  
TG: no kanaya were just friends karkat doesnt want to be in a quadrant with me either i thought you would already know that since thats what he told rose during the exchange today  
TG: oh my god did he tell you what happened with his other sweater  
GA: I Am Aware That He Told Rose That The Both Of You Were Just Friends But That Could Change And I Feel Most Likely Will Rose Thinks He Was Lying And That You Two Are Already Engaged In Some Form Of Early Matespritship Courting  
GA: What Happened To Karkats Other Sweater  
TG: okay first of all fuck rose  
GA: I Just Might  
TG: holy fuck kanaya no dont tell me stuff like that thats too much information way too fast thats my sister youre talking about why would you say that now i cant even look at you the same way anymore im actually cringing why would you say that to me  
GA: I Was Kidding Sorry  
TG: never do it again  
GA: I Will Try Not To But I Make No Promises  
TG: change in subject so what happened to karkats sweater is dont tell him i told you this he went into one of the bathrooms and was changing in a stall im guessing because where else would you change and i dont know if you know this kanaya but the stalls in the mens rooms are cramped as fuck like you can barely stetch to yawnn without knocking your elbows on the sides and anyway i guess he wasnt paying attention or something or just didnt bother to switch to a different stall because the one he was in was backed up and smelled worse than public toilets usually smell anyway he probably tried to toss the sweater over the side so it would hang from there and not touch any gross stuff but he either wasnt paying attention or miscalculated because long story short  
GA: Too Late  
TG: his sweater landed in the toilet  
GA: That Is Rather Unfortunate  
TG: you bet your ass its rather unfortunate  
TG: wait that reminds me i took a pic of karkat that i threatened to send to you not long after that when he refused to talk about the sweater do you want it i could actually send it to you  
GA: I Suppose If You Already Threatened To Do It You May As Well  
TG: okay im gonna email it to you  
GA: Why Not Send It Over Pesterchum  
TG: because i thought an email would be better also theres less likelihood of karkat being able to delete it or something since you can delete chats and the stuff attached gets deleted with it and it cant be recovered  
GA: Karkat Wouldnt Do That  
GA: THAT'S TRUE, I WOULDN'T. WHY DON'T YOU SEND IT OVER PESTERCHUM?  
TG: that sounds believable ill totally do that  
TG: im trying out human sarcasm how am i doing  
GA: Youre Doing An Amazing Job For A Human Dave Keep Up The Good Work  
TG: thank you  
GA: YES, THE SARCASM IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE.  
TG: karkat get out of this pesterlog its not for you  
TG: kanaya did you get the pic i sent you  
GA: Yes I Received The Photo  
GA: It Is Really Nice I Might Even Say That Its Cute  
TG: im using it as his contact photo right now he hates it so much  
TG: honestly it makes the pic even better in my book  
GA: Thats Not A Bad Idea I May Do The Same  
TG: yeah totally you go ahead and do that kanaya anyway to answer what you originally pestered me about guess where i am  
GA: At Home In Bed Pretending Youre Coming Over  
TG: no im outside you hear that thats me banging my fist on the back door im here ill steer get used to it  
GA: What Do You Mean By That I Dont Understand  
TG: ill steer the car i assume im driving  
GA: Thats Okay We Have A Driver Mr Slick Is Driving  
TG: mr slick  
TG: look forward to meeting him and being driven around and stuff see you inside as soon as someone opens the fucking door

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

You put your phone in your backpack just in time for a disgruntled looking Karkat to answer the door.

  
"You don't need someone to answer the door every time, you can just walk in." He snaps at you.

  
"I don't know, Karkat, that's not very polite." He moves out of the doorway and ushers you inside before slamming it.

  
"Since when the hell have you been so polite? It's probably more like you just want to be an inconvenience, you childish asswipe."

  
"It can be both things. Are we in the meeting room again?"

  
"Yeah. We'll be leaving pretty soon, though, so don't make yourself comfortable."

  
"Stand around awkwardly for the next ten minutes, got it."

  
You follow Karkat back down to the meeting room, which looks a lot bigger now that there's literally just Kanaya in it. Karkat disregards his own last statement and promptly plops onto the couch, looking all kinds of comfortable as he sinks in.

  
You also opt for a seat on the couch, putting your backpack down in front of you on the table. You stifle a yawn and you figure now is as good a time as any to remove your supplies.

  
Karkat sits up to get a better look at your stuff. "What the fuck are you doing?"

  
"I'm making what is referred to in the Strilonde household as a "Dave"." No one actually calls it that, no matter how much you try to get it started. Your family is lame.

  
"You know how to make a fuckup in a cup? That's actually pretty impressive."

  
"Oh, ha ha. I'm rolling my eyes behind my sick shades." You drain a bottle of apple juice into your thermos. "I counter that fuckup in a cup comment with isn't that essentially what trolls do? Fuck up into cups? Kanaya, am I wrong?"

  
Kanaya's face is tinged just the slightest hint of green in discomfort. "The...the vessel most commonly used for...reproductive purposes among trolls is a...bucket."

  
She's so uncomfortable, she's not even looking at either of you by the time she's done.

  
"Well, there you go. So, let's just say for the sake of this next comment that a bucket is just a glorified cup. That cool?"

  
"You're never cool. As for if I'm fucking okay with you referring to buckets as cups, that depends on the comment."

  
"Oh, believe me, you're gonna hate this." You clear your throat. "Of course you'd think me knowing how to fuck up into a cup would be impressive, you jealous virgin."

  
Karkat blinks at you and deadpans, unimpressed. "That all?"

  
"Yes." Your shoulders slump as you pop open a red bull. "Come on, that was gold!"

  
"Yeah, and it probably would have landed a lot better if I wasn't fifteen years old, Dave. Have some consideration for your audiences ages, you dense apple fetishizing, culturally offensive, perverted, evolutionarily stunted monkey dick."

  
"Now who's not considering their audience? I found that to be very xenophobic, Karkat."

  
"Oh, please." He rolls his eyes. "I have nothing against most humans, just you, and you barely qualify as human to begin with."

  
"Kanaya, control your moirail, he's being a douche."

  
Kanaya's eyes flash up from her book for a moment, but are back down just as quick. "Karkat, no. Bad." She scolds sarcastically as she turns a page.

  
"Thanks for the help, Kanaya."

  
"Don't mention it."

  
You take a sip of your drink. "So when are we getting this show on the road?"

  
"In a minute or two." Karkat says vaguely, looking at his phone.

  
"Did you finish that essay yet?"

  
"I'm pretty much done, thank fuck." His phone makes a noise, and he holds up his hand to stop you from asking who it is. "Hey. Are we going yet? Yeah, everyone's present and accounted for, we were just waiting on you, are you ready? Oh my fuck, just leave it, then! No, I really don't think you need all of them. Well, why didn't you restock before, that was days ago! Don't pretend you forgot, you wear that hat every day, how the fuck could you forget? Well, hurry the fuck up, you're moving as slow as a sloth in molasses, I could be complaining about the assholes at the blackjack tables by now."

  
He hangs up. "We should be going in a couple minutes, Slick has some last minute stockpiling to do."

  
"There's going to be blackjack?" You say as you chug your drink. You're going to have to make another one pretty soon. How much supplies did you bring again?

  
"Don't piss your pants in excitement just yet, Dave. You're not going to be playing. We just have to keep watch, make sure people aren't cheating or wrecking up the place or god forbid are unhappy with the services in our illegal gambling ring."

  
"Wait, are we gonna be, like, waiting on these people?"

  
"That's a possibility."

  
"Almost definitely, yes." Kanaya chimes in. "Most of the night will likely be spent serving drinks and soporifics to our clientele."

  
"Well, damn. I'm not even getting paid for this, am I?"

  
"No, you're not. That a problem?"

  
"No, it's just kind of sobering, you know?" You say with a shrug.

  
Karkat's phone is making that noise again, and Karkat practically jumps to answer it. "Oh, thank all that is good and right in this fucked up nookstain of a world, are we good to go now? Can we get this shit show on the road?"

  
Whoever's on the other line (you'd assumed Spades Slick) says something that makes Karkat stiffen. "Sorry." He says softly into the phone, looking at his feet. "I thought you were Slick. Yes, I usually talk to him like that. I know. I'll work on it. Sorry. Do you know if he's ready yet? We're sort of waiting on him. No, no rush. We'd just like to go already, everyone's getting kind of antsy, you know? Oh, you know, Kanaya, the new guy, and me. No, the other new guy. That guy's working with Boxcars. What are you talking about? Of course I told you about him. Dave? Dave Strider? Well, it doesn't matter all that much. Just...tell Slick to hurry up. Bye."

  
Karkat ends the call, his head falling immediately into his hand as he squeezes the bridge of his nose.

  
"Who was that?"

  
"My mom." He sighs. "I told her I'd cut back on the swearing, but it's a lot harder than I thought it would be."

  
"That's what she said." You say unhelpfully.

  
"Can you be the least fucking bit mature, grub fisted shit monger?"

  
"Can you take a fucking joke, aneurysmic tight ass?"

  
You stare each other down momentarily, until his phone rings again. He doesn't say anything this time when he answers it, only nods as if the person on the receiving end can see the motion.

  
He turns off his phone without a word and addresses the both of you. "We're ready to go."

  
You follow him out the door, flanked by Kanaya. "Where are we going, anyway?"

  
"The casino, or did the shit in your aural cavities block the information flow to your shriveled raisin of a pan?" He shoots back instantaneously without turning around.

  
"No, I got that. Cleaned my ears out with your toothbrush earlier just in case, you know? It's more action than that thing's ever seen, based on your fucking awful halitosis. It smells like you ate something decaying in fermented shit and then tried to freshen your breath with skunk spray. Seriously, I can smell your breath from here and I'm gagging so hard I'm surprised I haven't thrown up everything I've ever eaten on you. Fuck, it would probably improve the smell situation. Depending on my aim, it might even improve your looks. You know, if I covered that ugly mug in half digested food and stomach acids. You're getting a pretty good deal out of this, Karkat. Count yourself lucky, not everyone gets to experience the delicious, slimy warmth of genuine Strider barf dripping seductively down their faces and soaking into their skin. I should be making you pay me for such a privilege."

  
"I believe he wishes to know the location of the establishment, Karkat." Kanaya says helpfully.

  
You'd forgotten your original point. "Yes, thank you, Kanaya."

  
"Well, fat fucking chance, then. Sorry, Dave, but I don't trust you enough to let you in on sensitive, private information like where the hell we're going. You're gonna have to earn that shit." The three of you stop at the garage, the door wide open and the town car idling inside.

  
"Really? Because you didn't seem to have any trouble telling me about-" You catch yourself before you can say something vague and stupid like " the Inigo thing" or something completely blunt and stupid like "the possible murder thing".

  
"About your lusus."

  
The way Karkat and Kanaya are both looking at you makes you wonder if saying that was any better. Kanaya looks so shocked it's almost funny. Karkat, on the other hand.

  
Well, Karkat looks fucking pissed.

  
To clarify, Karkat looks so pissed you think he's going to pop that vein that you can now see pulsing on his forehead.

  
Yeah, bad idea.

  
"Karkat, you told him about it?" Kanaya turns to Karkat, confusion fighting with surprise on her brow for expressive supremacy.

  
Karkat's rage deflates a bit as he addresses Kanaya and blatantly ignores you. "Yeah."

  
"I didn't realize you were comfortable discussing it now."

  
Karkat's biting his lower lip and rubs his arm awkwardly. "I'm....really not."

  
"But you told Dave."

  
His eyes flit over to you for a moment, and you think you can see regret reflected in them. "Yeah, I did tell Dave."

  
Kanaya nods understandingly, but the movement seems stiff, forced. "That's alright. Your guardian appears to be growing impatient. Shall we?"

  
Before either of you can respond to the rhetorical, she's moving away from you, practically stomping to the backseat of the car.

  
"Is it just me, or is Kanaya mad?"

  
"Of course she's fucking mad." Karkat groans, running a hand through his hair. "I never talked to anyone about that before. That was...a pretty big revelation to lay on someone, especially a moirail. And I fucking wasted it on you. You aren't even a damn candidate in that quadrant!" He crosses his arms and says quietly to the ground, "Maybe you're right. I am a pale slut."

  
"What? No, dude I was messing with you, you're not like, any sort of slut, pale or otherwise. Besides, you told me that before you guys even started pale dating. So that makes it what? A rebound type of deal, if it's even anything? Yeah, rebound feelings jam. You only just made your relationship official, it's not like you told me this yesterday, when you had that one all squared away and shit."

  
You move to pat him on the shoulder, but you catch yourself before your hand lands and Karkat pulls away out of your reach with the most horrified expression you've ever seen.

  
"Holy shit, seriously? Again? What the fuck is wrong with you, Dave? At least wait for her to fucking break up with me first!"

  
He shakes his head and stomps over to the car, mumbling curses at you under his breath. He marches over to the backseat, opens the door, and steps away.

  
"Get the fuck in."

  
"Wow, what a gentleman." You roll your eyes, but you do as you're told. It doens't seem like a good time to be messing with Karkat right now. Or Kanaya, for that matter.

  
You get into the middle seat, sandwiched between the both of them as Spades Slick, whom you've only met the one time and never actually talked to ever, drives the three of you to the casino in agitated, statically charged silence.

  
You attempt to memorize the route to the place, but you're taking roads you don't recognize. Backways, non-roads, and such. It's only when you hear the spray of pebbles against the car's body that you realize you're taking a dirt road.

  
You want to make a callback joke to what you'd thought was an inadequate lie about bullet holes before, but end up biting your lip to keep silent. This isn't the kind of tension you can break with a joke or some clever witticism.

  
You end up in a strange part of town, where wholesome, empty looking farmland meets directly with seedy, also pretty much abandoned looking urban establishments. It looks like there was a plan for more construction, maybe to completely urbanize the area, but it was stopped before much could even be started.

  
Actually, now that you think about it, you had a class on local government that explained in much greater, boring detail pretty much everything you just said. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. There was a bit of a restlessness in the rural district that turned into concentrated antagonism towards the mayor at the time, who was usurped and replaced with the rural groups fearless leader, the current mayor.

  
The fact that usurping a mayor was a thing that was normal in New Can Town made you love the place even more.

  
Anyway, here you are where rural and urban lifestyles kiss awkwardly in what you have been informed is church mouth style, all big sort of modern buildings next to grazing land and tilled fields of probably corn, you don't know.

  
Actually, no, if it was corn, you could tell. You don't see any sick mazes out here.

  
Tilled fields of some other fucking crop.

  
That's not the point, though. The point is, there you are.

  
The three of you climb out of the car, and you trail behind Karkat and Kanaya on your way inside. When you enter the place, you're so glad you kept your shades on. It's unbelievably bright and crowded in here.  
Karkat turns to the both of you. "Kanaya, you're working the floor. Dave, you're with Slick. Keep your phones on, I'll inform you of anything going on through a memo I'll be creating in a minute."

  
You nod. "Okay, but where the hell are you going to be?"

  
He opens his mouth to answer when he's blindsided by a violet blur.

  
"Kar!" Sobs a caped troll, leaning heavily on Karkat's shoulder and slurring his words. "I'm glad I found you, fuckin finally! I got so much to talk to ya about, Kar. You're not gonna believe this, Fef broke up with me!"

  
Karkat's got an arm around the weird cape guy's shoulders and rolls his eyes. "I'm going to the bar, I guess. Come on, Eridan."

  
Karkat waves goodbye to the both of you as he practically drags the other troll off to the bar.

  
You lean over and whisper to Kanaya. "Who the fuck's that dumbass?"

  
"Eridan Ampora. High blood of the highest order, he's a sea dweller. He's one of the most caste-ist trolls I've ever met. Rumor has it he's been planning mass genocide of the land dwellers for years now."

  
"I'm sorry, what? Did you just say mass genocide?"

  
"Yes, but he never would. Not because he's actually a good person, he's an egotistical tool. But he's also a useless tool full of empty threats."

  
"Full of empty threats? Isn't that an oxymoron or something?"

  
"I believe so, yes. You should probably go and follow Mr.Slick, he's leaving without you and I won't have time to help you locate him once I begin my own duties."

  
"Alright." You wave goodbye to Kanaya as she disappears into the crowd of gambling carapace and trolls.

  
You dash off to catch up with Slick, who was shuffling away to the stairs quietly. You hadn't even heard him move away from you guys.

  
"Yo, wait up!" You call over to him. He stops and turns around at the foot of the stairs, snarling. There's a nasty looking scar over one of his eyes. You wonder if he can even see out of it. Probably not.

  
"Hey," you say when you catch up, "I'm Dave, we met one time briefly. Kind of."

  
He nods, but his expression doesn't change. "I remember you. Drove my car."

  
"Yeah, I did."

  
The both of you start climbing the stairs. "Tell me something," He growls at you, his voice is grating. "how the fuck did you get him to agree to letting you in to the Crew?"

  
You shrug. "Lots of pestering and being badass as fuck."

  
"One other thing." He says as you follow him. You lean over the railing in the hall, you can see the entirety of the casino from here. You think you spy Kanaya near what you think is the craps table. Way in the distance, a little further from the majority of the crowds, you can definitely spot Karkat and his weird theatrical friend at the bar. Karkat's serving him drinks, you think.

  
"What?" You ask. Slick leans against the railing, but is looking at you and not the scene below.

  
"Last week the kid said he got into a brawl with some human I'd never met. That you?"

  
You pull away slightly, you can feel the glare from his one good eye on your neck. "If I say yes, are you going to stab me? Because I heard you like stabbing things."

  
"I try not to stab his friends." He replies, still glaring at you.

  
You don't like it. "Well, yeah. Yeah, that was me. But in my defense, he started it, and it was a draw. We're friends now, so if you could try not to stab me?"

  
"No promises." He leans away from the railing and starts heading towards a door.

  
You follow him into the room. It's dark, but the lack of light is compensated by a bunch of screens against one of the walls illuminating the area. It's pretty much empty except for the screens, a little desk, and some swivel chairs.

  
"So, what are we doing in here?"

  
He sits down in one of the chairs and twirls a knife on the desk, forming a little divet in the top. "Security detail."

  
"Cool." You take the other chair and lay your bag on the floor, removing your phone, apple juice, red bull, and thermos. May as well get started on that second one while you're here, right?

  
Your phone buzzes.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] created a new memo board 'DREAMER SECURITY BOARD 1'

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo

TG: what kind of name for a board is that i expected better from you man  
CG: DAVE, DO ME A FAVOR AND SHUT THE HELL UP UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO ADD OR MAYBE IF YOU'RE ON FIRE. I'LL CONSIDER LETTING YOU TALK IF YOU'RE ON FIRE.  
TG: what if the old boss man stabs me  
CG: NOPE. ONLY IF YOU'RE ON FIRE, AND THAT'S IT. NO EXCEPTIONS TO BUSINESS TALK UNLESS FLAMES ARE INVOLVED, AND ONLY IF THEY'RE ON YOU AND CRISPING YOUR SKIN. WHY DOES THE NAME OF THE BOARD MATTER, ANYWAY?  
TG: its just not what i thought it didnt live up to my expectations my expectations were higher than you are tall which i guess isnt that high to begin with but point is it is now significantly lower like now my expectations are as high as you are tall  
CG: HA HA, I'M SHORT. I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo

GA: That Is A Fairly Common Joke Made At His Expense Dave I Have Not Heard Anything Offensive About His Overbite For Awhile  
TG: okay okay i got it  
TG: hey karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat hey  
TG: karkat karkat karkat karkat  
TG: dude ya here  
GA: Karkat  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: what the fuck i tried to get your attention so much and you just ignored me but kanaya only says your name like once and you come running  
CG: WELL, SHE *IS* MY MOIRAIL, AND EVEN IF SHE WASN'T, SHE'S NOT THE ONE TRYING TO FUCKING INSULT ME ON MY OWN BOARD. PLUS WHEN KANAYA BUGS ME IT'S FOR SOMETHING IMPORTANT, USUALLY.  
GA: That Is True I Do Bug Him Less  
TG: okay i get it shes not as annoying as me  
TG: but as for insulting you keep in mind shes the one who just gave me the material to make fun of you so hey can you just maybe sit back and listen i was working really hard on this it was a collaborative effort  
CG: FINE, LET'S HEAR THIS AMAZING INSULT THAT WILL OFFEND ME SO MUCH I BAN YOU FROM THIS AND ALL FUTURE SECURITY BOARDS.  
TG: okay get ready for this  
TG: hey karkat  
TG: karkat  
CG: OH MY GOD, THIS AGAIN? WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?  
TG: your teeth are fucking stupid  
CG: ...THAT'S DEFINITELY ONE I HAVEN'T HEARD BEFORE. BUT THEN AGAIN, MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO INSULT ME DON'T NEED OTHER PEOPLE TO COME UP WITH THEIR MATERIAL FOR THEM EITHER, BECAUSE THEY AT LEAST HAVE A PAN THAT FUNCTIONS. GRANTED, THEY'RE TINY AND SPOTTED WITH RUST, BUT THEY ARE AT LEAST CAPABLE OF THE OCCASIONAL SPARK OF THOUGHT.  
TG: well fuck you i didnt have a lot to work from do you know how hard it is to come up with insults about teeth that arent egberts i mean at least his grill has the decency to be bucked  
CG: I THINK THAT'S JUST A GENETIC THING, THEY ALL HAVE THAT. JADE, JANE, AND JAKE HAVE THOSE STUPID FUCKING BEAVER TEETH, TOO.  
TG: wait a minute why do both jane and jake have it theyre not related this never occurred to me  
CG: THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH OF YOUR SPECIES'S GENETIC SLURRY IN THE WORLD, DAVE. MAYBE THEY SHARE A DISTANT ANCESTOR THAT LED THEM BOTH TO DEVELOPING THE STUPIDEST DOMINANT TRAIT IN HUMAN HISTORY.  
TG: so youre saying they might actually be related because if so thats gross i know for a fact that jane really wants to get a bite of that english muffin know what i mean  
TG: i agree its a pretty dumb trait but they seem to make it work i mean at least jake for sure has almost everybody swooning after him  
TG: and of course jades a hot ass amazon  
TG: johns also pretty damn fine hes no jake though at least jake has the decency to wear booty shorts sometimes but nope not john hes just a big attractive dork but you know that you were into that on a sexual level  
CG: I'M SORRY, DID YOU JUST SAY I'M INTO JOHN ON A SEXUAL LEVEL?  
TG: no i said you were as in past tense is what i said which is totally fine dude no judgement i mean i was also into that too for awhile there going through all that stupid unrequieted love bullshit  
TG: actually i only got over johns stupid sexy buck teeth when he told me about a certain ornery troll he had to turn down because hes not a homosexual so thanks for that karkat that really helped me out  
CG: DON'T MENTION IT. EVER AGAIN. UNLESS YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE YOUR BULBS BEING SQUISHED BY MY NEWLY TRIMMED CLAWS AND THEN REMOVED SLOWLY, PIECE BY JELLY LIKE PIECE, OUT OF YOUR SOCKET AND PLACED INTO YOUR PRIED OPEN MOUTH.  
TG: am i banned from the boards yet  
CG: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TRY BETTER THAN THAT TO GET REMOVED.  
TG: damn  
GA: The Name Of The Board Pertains To The Casino Itself In Case That Is Still Important  
TG: its called dreamer board 1 thats a weird name for a club or anything for that matter  
CG: NO, THE CASINO IS JUST CALLED THE DREAMER, YOU WITLESS FUCK. IT'S DERIVED FROM THE NAME OF PROMINENT FIGURES FROM SHARED PROSPITIAN AND DERSITE MYTHOS.  
TG: why do you know that  
GA: His Parents Are Carapacian  
CG: MY PARENTS ARE CARAPACIAN.  
TG: so is my dad but i didnt know that maybe its because im not a dork  
CG: NO, YOU ARE A DORK, A HUGE DORK. THE HUGEST DORK IN THIS OR ANY UNIVERSE. YOU'RE JUST STUPID.  
TG: at least all my teeth fit in my mouth you ass factory  
CG: YOU ALREADY MADE FUN OF MY OVERBITE, YOU GOD DAMN PASTY, SHIT FRECKLED, TAYLOR SWIFT RAYBAN WEARING, PUS GULPING, WASTECHUTE LICKING NEGA-FUCK.  
TG: what is a nega fuck  
CG: IT'S THE DENOTATION FOR THE NEGATIVE COUNTERPART OF A FUCK. AS IN THE OPPOSITE OF A FUCK.  
TG: that sounds like a dictionary definition did you smuggle a dictionary under your sweater just so you could insult me with weird words  
CG: NO, I JUST HAPPEN TO KNOW WHAT SOME WORDS FUCKING *MEAN*, YOU LOOSE SEAL SPHINCTER.  
TG: yeah well i can use weird insults too you masturbating carrot whats your problem with taylor swift and her impeccable taste in eyewear  
CG: NOTHING, SHE'S JUST NOT MY CUP OF SCALDING LEAF WATER, YOU KNOW? I'M JUST NOT A FAN OF HER MUSIC. SOME OF HER EARLY STUFF WASN'T TOO VOMIT INDUCING, I GUESS.  
TG: well you do have an unhealthy obsession with will smith so i guess theres no accounting for taste  
CG: FUCK YOU, WILL SMITH IS TWICE THE ENTERTAINER TAYLOR SWIFT WILL EVER BE AND YOU KNOW IT.  
TG: troll will smith or human will smith  
CG: BOTH WILL SMITHS. ANY VARIATION OF WILL SMITH.  
TG: this only proves my point you love will smith you are in love with will smith  
CG: YEAH, SO?  
TG: man i dunno i just thought youd try to deny it or something i guess  
CG: NOPE. I'M A HUGE WILL SMITH FAN, THAT'S A THING THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN ESTABLISHED A LONG TIME AGO. I FUCKING LOVE WILL SMITH, AND HIS ENTIRE BODY OF WORK. HE IS A NATIONAL TREASURE AND YOU KNOW IT.  
GA: This Memo Has Gotten Particularly Out Of Hand Though The Case Of Swift V. Smith Is Riveting I Feel This Is Best Left As A Verbal Debate Perhaps For The Ride Home  
CG: KANAYA HAS A POINT, MUCH AS I HATE TO LEAVE A FIGHT UNRESOLVED (EVEN THOUGH I CLEARLY WON) WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET THE FUCK BACK TO OUR JOBS. ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT THE MONITORS, DAVE?  
TG: as a matter of fact i am im looking at you right now youre still talking to that weird fishfaced fuck with the purple streak and the wizard cape  
CG: THAT'S ERIDAN, AND YOU'RE RIGHT, HE IS A FISHFACED FUCK. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BE LOOKING AT THE GOD DAMN TABLES. KANAYA CAN'T KEEP AN EYE ON EVERYTHING, YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE.  
GA: Should I Be Offended By This  
CG: NO, I'M JUST BEING HONEST. YOU CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO WATCH THE ENTIRE CASINO BY YOURSELF. DON'T GET ME WRONG, YOU'RE VIGILANT AS HELL, BUT YOU ONLY HAVE TWO LOOK STALKS. THREE IF WE COUNT SLICK'S, WHICH I'M STILL NOT SURE IF WE CAN BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA IF HE EVEN DOES ANYTHING IN THAT STUPID FUCKING ROOM IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
GA: Alright I Suppose I Am Not Offended However I Am Still A Little Agitated About Earlier Not That That Will Affect My Hellish Vigilance In Any Way I Just Thought You Should Know That I Am Still Going To Need Some Time To Cool Off I Suggest You Both Focus On Your Work And Do The Same

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased responding to memo

CG: I AGREE. DAVE, YOU NEED TO ZIP YOUR CHAPPED, INSOLENT LIPS AND KEEP YOUR EYES GLUED TO THE FUCKING SCREEN FOR ANY SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY. I'M CLOSING THIS MEMO. HAVE FUN HANGING OUT WITH SLICK FOR THE NEXT THREE AND A HALF HOURS.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo

Fuck, you still have a few hours left to watch all these stupid ass monitors. You'd been lying about watching Karkat. Well, for the most part, anyway. You did glance up momentarily at the screen that he and his friend were coincidentally on. The camera there was clearly to make sure people didn't steal drinks from the bar, but it gave you a perfect view of the two of them.

  
It seemed like there was something...weird about the way the Eridan guy was acting. Or maybe you were suspicious with boredom. You decide to keep one eye on Karkat's friend, and one eye on all the other monitors throughout the rest of the night. Or at least until you find something more interesting to look at.

  
Karkat's friend has his head against the counter, arms wrapped around it defensively. Karkat is leaning down so that he'll be level with Eridan's eyes if he ever looks up. They're clearly discussing something. At least, Karkat's saying something. You wish this thing had sound.

  
"I wish this fucker had sound." You sigh. It's the first thing you've said to Slick since that initial conversation in the hall.

  
"There is." You look up curiously. You really hadn't expected a response. "We don't use it very often, there would be too much fucking noise in here for no reason if we kept them on." He points to a spot by the monitor. "Button's right there. Which monitor did you want?"

  
"Which monitor's the one at the bar?"

  
"This one." He pushes a button, and there's static before it clears and is replaced with almost normal sound.

  
"-tell you to just get over it, but fuck that, man. You and Feferi are both my friends, and I'm sorry you couldn't make it work. But maybe you guys just weren't meant to be?"

  
Eridan lifts his head so it's resting on his hand. "As moirails? Course I fuckin knew, Kar. I was almost glad when she ended it with me, cause I thought maybe she felt the same, ya know? So I asked her an she turned me down. Ya know, I heard a rumor she's been going around with that psionic moody trash, Sollux. She rejected me for a fuckin mustard blood, Kar! A mustard blood!"

  
Karkat clears his throat in discomfort. "I hate to be that guy with you, Eridan, but I told you asking her into your flushed quadrant immediately after dumping her pale ways wasn't going to fucking end in your favor. Even less so since she was the one that broke up with you in the first place. I'll be honest, I didn't see that one coming, though. I guess I should have expected more out of the future empress than just excitability and glubs." He shrugs. "But hey, maybe next time you'll listen to my advice. "

  
"You really think there'll be a next time?" He sounds so hopeful.

  
Karkat snorts. "Eridan, you're barely eight sweeps old. So your moirail broke up with you, it's not the end of the world. You're a highblood seadweller, this is nothing to your timeline. You do realize you live the equivalent of at least a human century, right? No worries. You'll find someone, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, fuck, maybe not even this lifetime, but someday you will find someone. There's plenty of fish in the sea, you'll figure something out. I will fucking stand by my theory that at some point in your long as fuck life, you'll find another moirail and maybe get a matesprit. For now, though, just stay here. Maybe drink a little and talk to me until you're ready again."

  
Karkat places a drink gingerly by the other troll's hand, and the troll takes it and swirls it around wistfully.

  
"I think I may just be gettin flushed for someone else already." Eridan croons.

  
Oh god, was he...was he flirting with Karkat? Like, actual flirting?

  
You spare a sideways glance over to Slick. You don't care what Karkat says, this guy is basically his dad, and he's currently listening to someone flirting very fucking badly with his kid.

  
Jack rolls his eye.

  
"Stupid fucking kids, the lot of them." You hear him sneer under his breath.

  
On screen, you see Karkat has facepalmed and is massaging his forehead with his fingers. "Eridan, we talked about this. No."

  
"Just...no?"

  
"That's right, just no. Sorry, Eridan. I'm just not that into you." He shrugged.

  
Eridan groaned melodramatically and laid his head back down on the table. "I know. Thought I'd give it a shot. Fuck, I'm so lonely, Kar."

  
You're starting to feel weird about listening in on this. That doesn't stop you, though.

  
Karkat taps the rim of the glass. "Drink that. Don't you still have a kismesis?"

  
"Yeah." He says glumly, going back to swirling the drink. "What's in this?"

  
"Fuck, that's more quadrants than I ever filled, and I'm the fucking romance expert." He crosses his arms. "It's mostly alcohol, a little soporific. Not enough to do too much to you, though."

  
"Ah." Eridan nods and chugs the drink in one gulp and wipes his mouth on his sleeve. "Vriska's been less into hating me than usual. I think she's gonna break up with me."

  
"You can find someone else. It's not like there's a shortage of people who hate you."

  
"What about you, Kar?"

  
"I just made my moirallegiance with Kanaya official."

  
"Fuckin finally! Everyone was waitin on you two gettin together for sweeps now!"

  
"Yeah, well, thanks. I think she's actually gonna break up with me, too, though. We're in the same boat."

  
"What? Why?"

  
"I...may have admitted some emotional baggage to someone who wasn't Kanaya, and now she's mad at me."

  
Eridan shrugs. "She'll get over it. Refill?"

  
"Sure thing." Karkat takes the glass and remixes the drink, and you turn off the sound.

  
You look around at the other monitors. There's a bunch of shit going on, so much shit that you're not actually sure what you're supposed to be keeping track of. There's a poker game going on that you watch for a little while, but it gets boring quickly and you look elsewhere instead.

  
Karkat's serving drinks to people other than his friend now. It's kind of cool that he can tend bar, you think. You wonder how long he's been able to do that.

  
You've probably been looking at Karkat enough, especially with his guardian sitting right next to you. You decide to look for someone else, maybe Kanaya. Yeah, Kanaya.

  
She's just standing around in the back, against the wall. She looks pretty serious, practically glowering at the crowds.

  
Yeah, she still looks mad.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TG: yo you mad bro  
GA: Not In Particular No  
TG: cause you look mad  
GA: I Always Look Like This While Doing Security Work I Have Been Told My Face Is Quite Intimidating Have I Been Misinformed  
TG: no you definitely are scary you look like you could kill someone that would be why i asked  
TG: that person you want to kill wouldnt happen to be karkat would it  
GA: No  
TG: because from what karkat told me you were basically there for the thing he told me about with his lusus so im not even sure what youre mad about  
GA: Yes The Thing Is I Only Know Anything Because As He Said I Was Practically There I Was Never Informed Of Anything I Couldnt Infer From His Injuries And The Scene Of Events To This Day I Am Not Sure How He Got Out Of That Situation Or What Really Happened To A Certain Mutual Acquaintance Of Ours  
GA: And Yet He Is Comfortable Telling You All Of These Things As Opposed To Me His Moirail Who Was Practically There  
TG: kanaya what the hell are you talking about i was told like the bare minimum of information  
TG: mutant  
TG: attempted murder  
TG: dead lusus  
TG: vague escape  
TG: thats it thats all i know i dont know any of that other info he was apparently withholding i didnt even know there was someone else there with him  
GA: Is That Really All He Told You  
TG: yeah man now im mad i didnt withhold info about my parents murder thats not cool  
GA: Your Parents Were Murdered  
TG: its fine im over it now i mean im not over it but i made my peace with it  
GA: So Youre Saying It Was A Mutual Exchange Of Depressing Tales Of Dead Parental Units  
TG: yes but in my defense i really wanted to be inigo  
GA: What  
TG: nothing point is karkat didnt tell me anything you didnt already know  
GA: Why Are You So Concerned About My Relationship With Karkat All Of A Sudden  
TG: because i dont want to be involved with another one of his breakups  
GA: Im Not Breaking Up With Karkat  
TG: well karkat thinks you are  
GA: He Told You That  
TG: no he told the cape hipster i just happened to be listening in  
TG: so not breaking up then you guys are cool  
GA: Yes We Are Cool I Became Emotionally Cool After I Gave You That Sage Bit Of Offensive Material To Use Against Him It Occurred To Me That If Karkat Were To Approach A Relationship With You It May Potentially Stray Into Pale Territory Since You Are A Human Perhaps My Postulation Of Future Matespritship Wasnt Too Far Off Base  
TG: no it was very far off i just dont want to be punched in the face again  
GA: Yes Of Course Obviously  
TG: whatever kanaya just go talk to him okay  
GA: Alright No Eavesdropping Dave I Like My Privacy  
TG: okay ill keep that in mind until im bored

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

You watch Kanaya turn off her phone and make a beeline for the bar. You elect to give the two some privacy as Karkat pushes a drink her way. You only pay attention long enough to see her decline the drink and take a seat.

  
About another hour of watching boring stuff (who knew illegal activity could be so mundane?) and chugging another apple juice and red bull, you decide it's okay to look over to the bar again. Kanaya is still sitting at the bar, one leg crossed over the other and elbows on the counter in the most casual pose you've ever seen from her. She has her eyes on the crowds and Karkat is still serving patrons. Even though they're both still doing their separate jobs, the proximity convinces you they probably made up. Assuming that even qualified as a fight.

  
Another hour later and you watch Kanaya drag Eridan out of the casino by his cape. He's pretty good and drunk now, you think. Not much else happens in the casino, but in the little room you're stuck in Slick is growing restless and stands up, stabbing pointedly at the air.

  
"Dude, if you wanna walk around down at the casino, you know, see what's what up close and personal, I could hold down the fort if you want."

  
He grunts in reply, which you take means yes because he stomps out of the room shortly after that. You watch him walk around the casino like he owns the place-which he does, so that walk makes total sense-and sigh in boredom. Next time you think you'll ask if you can work security with Kanaya, or maybe switch positions with Karkat at the bar.

  
Speaking of the bar, Slick is standing at the bar, and Karkat is yelling at him as he mixes some weirdly complicated looking drink in a blender. Slick yells back at him, and your ears hurt from just thinking about how loud they probably are as they shout over the whirr of the blender. Karkat pours the drink into a glass, drops a black licorice straw into it, and shoves it at him.

  
You wait another hour, spinning around in the chair every once in awhile and listening to some of your sweet tunes while you watch the nothing unfolding in front of you on the screen.

  
You almost fall asleep when your phone buzzes.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: WE'RE LEAVING NOW, GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE.  
TG: yeah coming just wait a sec while i pack up  
CG: HURRY THE FUCK UP, THE REST OF US WANT TO LEAVE ALREADY. WE'LL BE WAITING IN THE CAR.  
TG: kay hey is the casino closed now or whats going on  
CG: YEAH, IT'S CLOSED. WE CAN'T BE OPEN FOREVER, DAVE, WE'RE AN ILLEGAL ESTABLISHMENT. THE LONGER WE STAY OPEN, THE MORE ATTENTION WE DRAW TO OURSELVES, WHICH IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE FUCKING NEED RIGHT NOW. WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?  
TG: i had to read all of that thats whats taking me so long  
TG: hey i can see you from here  
TG: karkat why dont you wave back to me you stubby fingered fuck  
TG: and now you're walking away with kanaya just ignore me thats cool  
TG: im almost to the car prepare yourself  
TG: you guys decent in there  
CG: OH MY GOD, JUST SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR, YOU USELESS SLUG SLIME SWILLER.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

"Nice use of alliteration, dude." You commend as you slide into the car. Karkat is in the middle seat, leaning close to Kanaya. He looks more tired than he did earlier today, which you hadn't thought was possible without passing the fuck out.

  
He waves a hand at you in a request to get you to shut up, which you do because you're also pretty exhausted. The only ones who don't look ready to drop dead are Kanaya and Slick.

  
Karkat rubs at his face absently, and Kanaya puts her arm around him an pulls him closer to her. You decide to direct your attention out the window and not on their public displays of pale-fection.

  
You're back in the garage before you know it, getting out of the car and sighing loudly to yourself, running a hand through your hair.

  
"I'm so fucking tired, I don't wanna walk home. I don't think I can make it."

  
"I'll make some coffee, if you're okay with waiting for a minute." Karkat stifles a yawn.

  
"I could drive you home if you do." Kanaya offers.

  
"Alright. Alright, yeah. We're doing this."

  
Karkat stretches as he opens the door and ushers the both of you inside. "We're making this happen."

  
You can't help the grin that spreads across your face. "Karkat, you referenced me! Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, that's what the refrance."

  
"I'm so tired, I'm losing IQ points by the minute." He mumbles, stomping into the kitchen. "That's the only plausible explanation."

  
"Yeah, sure." You roll your eyes and fall into a chair at the kitchen table, watching Karkat make the coffee.

  
Kanaya takes a seat at the table near you and clears her throat. "So, Karkat, what did you think of that sweater?"

  
"It's nice, I like it. The crab's a nice touch."

  
"So if you were to receive a similar sweater, or at least one with a similar applique sewn on, you would accept it?" Kanaya asks, not exactly subtle.

  
Karkat snorts and rolls his eyes at her. "Of course, Kanaya. I'd accept anything you made me."

  
"I-I never said from me."

  
"Kanaya, I was there when you bought these crabs, remember?" He taps the little crab. "We were out fabric shopping. They came in a six pack. You wanted to get the red ones, but I talked you out of it."

  
Kanaya nods, looking down at her hands on the table. "That definitely rings a dong shouter."

  
You chuckle at the troll phrase. "That's even better out loud."

  
The coffee finishes, and Karkat fills two travel mugs and a large cup (though it's nowhere near the size of the Slimer from John's) and hands them to the both of you.

  
"Okay, here you go. Now take the coffee and fuck off. See the both of you in a couple hours."

  
Karkat pushes you out of his house, Kanaya close behind.

  
"I'm going, Jesus. Come on, Kanaya, let's bounce."

  
"I would much rather walk out of here, but if bouncing is a necessary action, then bounce I must."

  
The both of you head off to Kanaya's car, and the drive takes less than five minutes, only allowing you enough time to yawn and consider what you're going to say when she stops the car in front of your house.

  
"Say hello to your sister for me." She says as you exit the vehicle.

  
"Alright, will do." You wave nonchalantly at the comment. You're about to close the door when you pause. "Wait a minute, how did you know where I live?"

  
She smiles. No, smirks. That's a Grade-A Lalonde smirk right there. Seeing it on someone other than Rose kind of freaks you out. The discomfort dissipates when she adds a particularly suggestive eyebrow waggle. "Do you really need to ask?"

  
You close the door without another word and trudge inside as she drives away. She waves goodbye to you, but you can't summon the energy to wave back and just watch her disappear in the direction of Little Alternia. In about two or three hours, your brother will wake you up for school. Today is Thursday.

  
You don't think any amount of coffee is going to prepare you for a Thursday.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tries to write Rosemary*  
> *fails*  
> *dies*

If sleep is truly for the weak then you must be one strong motherfucker, because you can't seem to get back to it. You trudge back to your apartment and inside undisturbed-Terezi had probably gone to sleep at some point like a normal fucking person. You're exhausted, but also oddly wired. No one knows you left. Not even Dirk caught you this time.

  
Well, no one in the apartment knew. Terezi did, but you were fairly certain she wouldn't tell anyone.

  
You would be one hundred percent certain once you bought her some new chalk.

  
Speaking of Dirk, didn't you leave him a note when you left in case he woke up at some point? From the lack of accusatory orange pesterlogs you take it he didn't wake up. You should probably go get that note.

  
You sneak down the hall the same way you did when you left, sliding quietly in your socks. At the end of the hall is your room, Dirk still hopefully asleep inside. You open the door slowly, and the way it creaks makes you flinch. It didn't do that when you'd left.

  
You open the door only as wide as you need to to get in, and squeeze inside. Yup, there's Dirk, snoozing away with his blond hair all bed-headed and surrounded by pieces of what you assume are future robots. How can he look so comfortable snuggling with metal?

  
You have time to think about that later, right now you have a job to do. You pivot resolutely so you're facing the door and flashsnatch that thing right off like it was nothing.

  
Is flashsnatching even a thing? There must be some equivalent to flashstepping for hands. For grabbing stuff and shit. Why the fuck wouldn't there be? It would only make sense.

  
Flashsnatching is a thing, you just invented it. You resolve to use that word in a sentence out loud today. That's the goal.

  
While you're busy standing in front of the door deciding this, you hear Dirk's bed creak as he shifts upright.

  
"Dave?" He rubs at one of his eyes with an open palm. "The fuck are you up so early for, bro?"

  
"No reason." You shrug. "Couldn't sleep. Figured I'd just get up, make some coffee, have breakfast, you know, the usual shit."

  
"You even got dressed?" Dirk's reaching for his pointy shades.

  
You look down. You're still wearing last night's clothes. Luckily, you have maybe about five of this exact shirt, so it's barely noticeable. "Yes."

  
Looks like you're stuck in these clothes for another day.

  
Dirk nods approvingly. "Good for you. Wake me up when there's coffee so I can pretend to still be asleep and then bitch incoherently when you try to give me some because it's so early."

  
"Hey," you say, offended, "I'm not incoherent. I'm nonsensical and mumbly, but never incoherent."

  
"Yeah, sure. Go make coffee."

  
"You're not even going back to bed."

  
"You're absolutely right. But do what I asked anyway, so you can have a taste of your own medicine."

  
"I've had my own medicine before, and I've also had my ass handed to me, just so you know. They're both cherry flavored."

  
"Gross."

  
"That's what I said when Terezi told me. Later."

  
"Later."

  
You shuffle down the hall to the kitchen, crumpling the note in your hand. That had been close. A little too close, for your or anybody's comfort. You toss the note in the trash. Leaving at midnight on a weekend you could explain away easily, but coming home in the wee hours of the morning with the threat of school looming overhead was an entirely different ballgame.

  
You start up the coffee and decide now is probably the best time to deposit your dirty thermos into the sink. It's only when you remove the offending empty bottle that you recall you still have a half full travel mug of coffee that Karkat had given you. Score.

  
You drink deeply and manage to give yourself a slight burn on your tongue from drinking too fast. It was still pretty much scalding. This was a good mug, or at least the insulation was good. You don't want to return it.

  
You finish the Karkat coffee just in time for the new brew to finish up and pour another steaming cup into the mug. Obviously you plan on returning it someday, just not today.

  
Maybe today, depending on how fast you drank your coffee and if you actually saw Karkat.

  
"Dirk, coffee's ready!" You shout, too fucking lazy to trudge all the way back over there and deal with shit like he wanted you to. This is a good compromise, you think.

  
"Okay, cool. Pour me a cup."

  
"On it."

  
You pour him a cup, and then proceed to pour for both of your sisters. You leave enough in the pot for your dad when he wakes up. You have no idea when that will be, but you hope soon enough for it to still be hot when he gets there.

  
You're standing in the kitchen drinking your coffee and sniffing your shirt for a smell check when Rose glides into the room, stretching her arms over her head and arching her back.

  
"Good morning, Dave. What a surprise to see you up so early. I thought you were Dirk."

  
"Talk about surprises, look at you! You're wearing orange."

  
"Yes, I am. Am I not allowed to wear bright colors, Dave?"

  
"No, of course you are. I'm not the color police. That's Terezi's thing, take it up with her. It's just that usually when you wear colors that aren't dark they have weirdly off putting designs or something. That thing's just-and don't you dare over analyze this-it's just cute."

  
Why did you keep referring to people's clothes as cute? First Karkat's sweater and now Rose's little orange dress.

  
You decide thinking about Karkat in cute clothes while you're currently drinking out of his coffee mug is maybe not a great idea. Especially this early in the morning, when you can't really control the direction of your thoughts.

  
She scoffs and takes her cup of coffee, wrapping her fingers around the ceramic warmth. "How am I not supposed to over analyze that?"

  
"Easy, you just don't think about it. At all. Or don't mention it to me or anyone ever. Fuck, you know when I call Roxy hot she doesn't say anything about it. Why can't you be more like Roxy?"

  
"You've also called her mom on more than one occasion."

  
"Rose, that was five years ago, can't you just let that die?"

  
She held the cup close to her face, covering her mouth. You could tell she was smirking. "Not as long as we're both alive and you continue to slip Freudian."

  
"Fuck you, Rose."

  
"There we go." She take a sip.

  
"But seriously, that's a little out of character and it hurts my eyes with how bright it is. What's with that? Is it new or something?"

  
"Yes." She brushes a hand down the skirt, smoothing it out. "I went out shopping with a friend on Sunday. She suggested I brighten up my wardrobe and that I would look rather fetching in orange."

  
There was a pink tint to Rose's face that you'd never witnessed before, and she was smiling. Not smirking. Smiling. It's your turn to tease now. Finally.

  
"You talking about Kanaya?" You waggle your eyebrows the same way Kanaya had earlier. Not that Rose would get the correlation, but hey, whatever. At least you got it.

  
Rose's face flushed a darker pink, and you wonder if maybe Kanaya did do that often or if that was just from your teasing little barb.

  
"Damn, Lalonde, you got it bad."

  
She clears her throat. "I have it about as bad as you do for Karkat, I'm just honest about it."

  
God dammit. She recovered faster than expected.

  
"I don't have a thing for Karkat."

  
"Kanaya claims otherwise." She laughs at your offended face.

  
Roxy slides into the room in her kitty slippers. "Yo, what are we talking about?"

  
"Rose and Kanaya, sitting in a tree, K-N-I-T-T-I-N-G."

  
Rose rolls her eyes. "Very mature, Dave. I could do the same for you and Karkat, if I was to be as childish as you."

  
"Rose, when did you get a girlfriend?" Roxy asks as she takes her cup of coffee.

  
"I haven't. Kanaya and I aren't seeing each other just yet. However, we are swiftly approaching that threshold, if I'm being completely honest."

  
"Awesome!" Roxy pumps her fist excitedly. "By the way, Rose, you look fucking hot. Like, damn. Your girl will have to be blind to think you're not drop dead sexy."

  
"Thank you, Roxy."

  
"Blindness might not be an issue, I mean, we haven't asked Terezi yet, have we? She'll probably think Rose looks delicious. Like a creamsicle or something weird like that."

  
"Hey, there's only one creamsicle in this family, and it's me." Dirk disagreed, crossing his arms. "Rose, you look nice."

  
"Thank you."

  
"How come everybody else gets to say you look good, but I'm the only one accused of incest?"

  
Rose shrugs. "Because Dirk and Roxy aren't attracted to women."

  
"I don't know, Roxy does talk about how fine Jane's ass is a lot." You counter.

  
"And I stand by that. You can't tell me Janey's not a sexy motherfucker. You'd be crazy not to find those curves attractive as hell." Roxy puts down her cup so she can move her hands and form an hourglass figure in the air that in your opinion almost completely mirrors Jane Crocker's body type.

  
"So Roxy can say stuff like that, and she doesn't get accused of latent homosexuality?"

  
"Of course not, Roxy's straight. She's very confident in her sexuality."

  
"We have to have at least one token straight friend." Dirk points out, giving you the stink eye over his coffee. "You never brought this to me."

  
"We already have at least one token straight friend!" You argue. "Are we forgetting John "I'm not a homosexual" Egbert?"

  
"Of course not!" Roxy says as she chugs the rest of her coffee. "Speaking of John, though, guess who asked me out wink wink."

  
"Roxy, we're in person. You can just wink."

  
"Yeah, duh, but it's more fun to do both."

  
"Congratulations on your date with John." Rose commends, a thoughtful expression crosses her face. "You know, I believe this may be the first time we've all been in a relationship at the same time."

  
"I don't know what you're talking about, Rose, I'm still single." You glare at her.

  
Rose and Dirk both raise their eyebrows at you. Roxy notices and makes the same disbelieving face as the other two, even though she has mostly no idea what the others are going on about.

  
"Dave, did you meet someone and not tell me about it? What the fuck, man?"

  
"No."

  
"Yes." Rose and Dirk claim simultaneously.

  
"Well, which is it? Come on, I want to know!"

  
You open your mouth to dispel this nasty rumor about you and Karkat being a thing, but you're interrupted before you can.

  
"Say, Dave." Rose inquires. "Where did you get that mug? It's not one of ours."

  
"Nowhere. Why does it matter?" You hold the mug close to your chest protectively.

  
"Oh, it doesn't, really. Do you mind if I see it?" She holds out a hand.

  
"You can see it from here, can't you?"

  
"Not as closely as I would like. Why wont you let me look at it, Dave? That's awfully suspicious behavior."

  
You let out a huff and hand the mug over to her. As far as you're aware, there's nothing linking the mug to your activities with Karkat, so it's not like it actually matters one way or the other.

  
She examines it closely, turning it over in her hands and running her fingers over the smooth surface as if she could read clues off of it in invisible braille.

  
"This is a very nice mug." She nods. "Where did you say you got it?"

  
You eye her mistrustfully. The question doesn't seem to harbor any ulterior motive, and it is a nice mug, you'd just thought that yourself not too long ago. Maybe she really is just interested in where you got it.

  
"I dunno." You shrug. "An art depot, probably. Those places have surprisingly sturdy mugs."

  
"Really?" She's smirking like she's just cornered you. You didn't think she could be so scary without the dark colors, but in these she's terrifying in her observations. "I was under the impression you received it from the kitchen of one Karkat Vantas."

  
You try not to let your breathing hitch in surprise and are happy to find that your stoic expression remains intact. She got you. Somehow, she got you.

  
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Rose." You lie, even though you know it will be unsuccessful. Hey, may as well. "Seriously, what the fuck? When would I have time to do that? I've never even been in his house before. Your game is really off today, Rose."

  
"Is it, now?" She turns the mug over, showing you the bottom. You hadn't bothered to look at it. Now you wish you had.

  
There's a little label on the bottom that you hadn't noticed. PROPERTY OF KARKAT VANTAS.

  
Under that was a little doodle of his sign on a piece of masking tape.

  
"Do you maybe want to try again?" Rose asks. You can hear the amusement in her voice.

  
"Okay, so we had coffee once. Once. That's it, stop reading into it. There is nothing there, we're just non-quadrant friends."

  
"Sure you are."

  
Dirk is looking at you with an odd set to his mouth. You have a feeling he'd rather have you being honest about your relationship that you told him you were in.

  
Instead he turns to Roxy, who's still in her pajamas. "We're leaving soon, are you going to get dressed today?"

  
Roxy looks like she's considering it and shrugs. "Yeah, sure. I guess I may as well."

  
She saunters off to get ready for school, and you're left to consider maybe brushing your teeth and hair and whatever.

  
Nah.

  
Roxy returns a moment later, dressed and ready to go. You all head out to the car and today you win the squabble over passenger side.

  
Well, you don't really win, Dirk said you should sit up front today. Whatever, though, you'll take the technicality.

  
"Why the special treatment suddenly?" You ask as you slide into the front. "Roxy's usually your copilot."

  
"That's because Roxy's awesome."

  
"So am I!"

  
"Well, duh, it's a genetic factor. It's just a different kind of awesome. I prefer Roxy's brand of awesome."

  
"Okay, noted. Now why the fuck am I up here, then?"

  
Dirk doesn't bother to mince words, since the girls can't hear him over the music on the radio. He was never the type to mince, anyway. "I think you should tell them."

  
You know exactly what he's talking about, but you'd rather pretend you don't. "Tell them about what?"

  
"About your relationship. About what you and Karkat have really been up to. I mean, I don't know who you think you're kidding here, Dave. Everybody knows you at least like the guy."

  
"He's just a friend." You reply defensively.

  
Dirk gives you a sympathetic pat on the arm, but is quick to return to both hands on the wheel. "Dude, it's okay. I already know, remember?"

  
"Right." You nod. "Right."

  
"You really should tell them. Tell Rose, at least. She's already pretty close to sniffing out the truth, don't you think?"

  
He doesn't know that you already plan on telling her. You plan on telling them all. Someday. When your dad quits the undercover work and you leave the Crew.

  
Then you'll tell them. You'll tell them the truth.

 

You all get out of the car, and you decide to follow a distracted looking Rose as she walks down the hall in lithe steps. She has her eyes trained on her phone, but she doesn't seem to be doing anything with it. Eventually, she reaches her locker and takes a seat on the floor in front of it, folding her legs under her so all you can see are her pale knees. You plop down next to her and attempt to get a peek at her phone.

She has pesterchum open.

  
"So, Rose, what has you down so suddenly?"

  
She looks up, surprise in her violet eyes, and you realize that she'd been so focused on what was in front of her that she hadn't even noticed you. The pink tint is back.

  
"I...started pestering Kanaya this morning, but now I'm not sure where to go with it." She admits, handing you her phone so you can look at the log so far.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TT: Good morning, Kanaya.  
GA: Yes It Is A Rather Pleasant Morning It Makes Me So Glad To Be One Of The Few Members Of My Species To Be Considered "Morning People"  
TT: That is an interesting concept to consider from the aspect of a nocturnal species.  
GA: It Really Is I Often Pondered If My Interest In The Sun Would Have Been Fostered So Well On Alternia The Sun On Our Planet Was So Hot That Just Being Exposed Momentarily To Its Harsh Rays Would Roast A Troll Alive Not To Mention The Hordes Of Undead That Rose With The Sun To Feast On The Flesh Of The Living  
TT: Those are some gruesome thoughts to be having at such an early hour.  
GA: I Could Change The Subject If You Want  
TT: No, that's alright. Keep in mind, the Earth's sun can also be dangerous for trolls. A friend of mine was actually blinded by the sun here.  
GA: I Would Rather Keep My Sight How Would I Judge Peoples Fashion Sense If I Couldnt See  
TT: I'm sure you would be fine as long as you refrained from looking directly at it.  
TT: My friend usually licks or sniffs things to determine colors and patterns.  
GA: That Sounds Interesting And Mostly Disgusting I Believe I Would Rather Be Blind Than Lick Someone Elses Bad Clothing Do You Think That The Bad Fashion Choices Would Taste Equally As Bad As They Look  
TT: I don't know, I would have to ask my friend about this. From the explosion of clashing colors all over her respiteblock I feel confident to assume no. She also eats chalk, so I wouldn't trust her sense of taste. Literally and metaphorically.  
GA: Your Friend Sounds Eccentric Or Perhaps Insane Depending On How Close To Her You Are  
TT: Yes, she is rather odd. Today she told me I smelled like a creamsicle and asked if she could lick my legs. She didn't seem to understand just how suggestive that was.  
GA: Did You Let Her Lick Your Creamsicle  
TT: No, I didn't. It takes more than some oddly flattering and off putting words to get a taste of my creamsicle.  
TT: This is also becoming strangely suggestive.  
GA: Are You Always A Creamsicle  
TT: No, usually I'm a berry of some kind. Once I was a grape soda.  
GA: I Bet You Were A Delicious Soda I Would Drink You  
GA: I Apologize That Was Also Dangerously Close To Suggestive Territory  
GA: Why Were You A Creamsicle Today  
TT: I decided to wear that orange dress you suggested I buy. I rather like it, I think. It's very flattering.  
GA: I Cant Wait To See It

"Rose, oh my fucking god, is...is this you trying to flirt?" You look incredulously down at the conversation resting in your hand before you snicker to yourself. "Are you going to let Kanaya lick your creamsicle?"

  
"Dave, stop talking, that's not what I was concerned about! My flirting skills are just fine, thank you very much. What I was worried about was that last one."

  
You look down at it. "What about it?"

  
"Well, is she actually interested in seeing it or is she sharpening her human sarcasm skills?" Rose seems genuinely perplexed. Today is a day of firsts on the Lalonde front.

  
"I don't know why they bother adding "human" in front of it, Kanaya and Karkat are way more sarcastic than any human I've ever met."

  
"But do you think she's being sarcastic now?" She demands impatiently.

  
You shrug. "I don't think so, but it's Kanaya, so who knows?"

  
Something clicks in Rose's head, and a mischevious smile lights up her face. "I know someone who might."

  
She flashsnatches her phone away from you (shit, that wasn't out loud. Still gotta use it) and opens another pesterlog with someone else. You do the brotherly thing and watch over her shoulder, crouching instead of sitting for a better view.

  
"Oh god, Rose. No, no don't do it. No." You plead when you see the name.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TT: It has come to my attention that you are considered a romance expert. Would you mind offering me some of your expertise concerning a certain subject?  
CG: AND A GOOD FUCKING MORNING TO YOU, TOO, ROSE. TO WHAT DO I OWE THE DISPLEASURE THIS EARLY IN THE DAY? I ASSUME THIS IS ABOUT KANAYA.  
TT: I'm sorry I failed to greet you properly, Karkat. Good morning. What makes you think this is about Kanaya?  
CG: DON'T PLAY STUPID, ROSE, YOU'RE NOT DAVE.

"Ouch." You mumble over Rose's shoulder, shaking your head. Rose tuts at you and hits you lightly with the back of her hand to quiet you.

TT: Alright, I'll admit, it is about Kanaya.  
CG: DAMN STRAIGHT, IT'S ABOUT KANAYA. WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD YOU BE ASKING ME ABOUT? ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU NEED?  
TT: I seemed to have hit a bump in my conversation with her, and I am uncertain as to how I should proceed from this point.  
CG: WHAT DID SHE SAY?  
TT: It would be better if I just showed you the whole conversation thus far.

Rose copy and pastes her conversation with Kanaya into her chat with Karkat, and you decide to skim down to the bottom and wait for Karkat's reaction, since you've already read it.

TT: GA: I Cant Wait To See It.  
TT: That's where I left off.  
CG: ROSE, WHAT THE SHITTING HELL DID I JUST READ?  
TT: A conversation between two mature and serious young women.  
CG: REALLY? BECAUSE IT READ LIKE THE MUSINGS OF TWO INEXPERIENCED, HORMONALLY CHARGED ADOLESCENTS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEIR MATING FONDNESS AND ARE DELVING DANGEROUSLY AND AWKWARDLY CLOSE TO A WILL THEY, WON'T THEY SCENARIO. THAT IS, A WILL THEY, WON'T THEY KILL THEMSELVES OUT OF SHEER EMBARRASSMENT BEFORE THEY GET TOGETHER.  
TT: I can see where you would get that, yes. I didn't send this to you for a critique, though I much appreciate your analysis of how I speak to a mutual friend.  
CG: "MUTUAL FRIEND."  
TT: I don't see how this will help me any more than Dave's giggling did. I thought you were better than that, Karkat.  
CG: OKAY, OKAY, JESUS, NO NEED TO GO THAT FAR. WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THAT COMPARISON TO YOUR DUNKASS LITTERMATE?  
TT: Isn't dunkass a phrase lifted from Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff? Are you secretly a fan of Dave's?  
CG: DON'T INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE, ROSE. NOT EVEN THAT FESTERING PUDDLE OF BURNING IRONIC DISCHARGE IS A FAN OF HIS OWN WORK. DO YOU WANT MY HELP OR NOT?  
TT: Yes, I do.  
CG: MAYBE SAY SOMETHING LIKE YOU'RE "AWAITING HER ARRIVAL WITH BATED BREATH" OR SOMETHING LALONDEY LIKE THAT.  
TT: Lalondey? I don't believe I know the phrase. Care to explain?  
CG: YOU CAN'T SEE IT BUT I AM CURRENTLY SLAMMING MY HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO THE BUS SEAT WINDOW IN THE HOPES THAT I WILL EITHER BREAK IT OR DISLODGE MY PAN SO HARD I DIE INSTANTANEOUSLY.  
CG: IT JUST MEANS SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS LIKE A THING YOU WOULD SAY. WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE FLIRTING WITH KANAYA?  
TT: I will, in a moment.  
CG: WHY CAN'T THAT MOMENT BE NOW?  
TT: So you don't think she was being sarcastic when she said she couldn't wait to see it?  
CG: ROSE, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THAT? WHAT THE FUCK, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT READING PEOPLE! NO, SHE WASN'T BEING SARCASTIC, NOT IN THIS INSTANCE, AT LEAST. SHE'S GENUINELY INTERESTED IN SEEING THE DRESS. AND IN CASE IT WASN'T CLEAR BECAUSE APPARENTLY BEING A DENSE IDIOT IS A GENETIC TRAIT, SHE'S ALSO INTERESTED IN SEEING *YOU*. NOW FUCK OFF AND SAY SOMETHING SEDUCTIVE TO OUR "MUTUAL FRIEND" SO SHE KNOWS YOU'RE JUST AS INTO HER.  
TT: Alright. Thank you, Karkat. I'll tell you how it goes.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Rose closes out of her pesterlog with Karkat and reopens Kanaya's. You don't move from your spot.

  
"Are you going to use that line Karkat suggested, or come up with something on your own?"

  
Rose doesn't answer you, but you have a feeling she's rolling her eyes as she types.

TT: I await your arrival with bated breath.

"Oh my god, you actually used it!" You laugh. The whole thing seems ridiculous to you. It probably doesn't help that you're running on zero sleep. "You know, that line probably would have worked better if you hadn't waited three minutes before sending it."

  
Rose sighs and gives you an exasperated look. "I didn't have that line three minutes ago."

  
"You could have come up with that, I think. Or something better. You know, something Lalondey." You shrug.

  
"Thank you, Dave, it's nice to hear I'm not completely useless when it comes to salacious text."

  
"Any time, Creamsicle." You pat her on the shoulder, and she swats your hand away.

  
A phone buzzes, and for a moment you think it's yours. But it's Rose's again.

  
"Did Kanaya respond?"

  
"That's what I'm checking right now, Dave."

GA: I Will Arrive As Soon As I Can So You No Longer Have To Hold Your Breath For Me I Should Be There Momentarily Would You Mind Telling Me Where You Currently Are So I Can Meet You There  
TT: Yes, of course. I'm in the English hall, by the lockers. See you soon.  
GA: Yes See You

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

 

"Cool." You nod. "Should I leave when she gets here?"

  
"What do you think, Dave?" She lifts her eyebrow questioningly at you.

  
"I think I should leave when she gets here."

  
"I think that's for the best." She nods.

  
"Hey, it looks like someone's still trying to bug you." You point out on the phone. The little pesterchum icon is blinking.

  
"So they are."

  
Rose reopens pesterchum.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

CG: ROSE, I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I HAVE SOMETHING WITH ME THAT KANAYA WOULD LOVE, BUT I THINK SHE'D LOVE IT EVEN MORE COMING FROM YOU THAN FROM ME.  
CG: WAIT, IS DAVE WITH YOU?  
TT: Yes. Is that important?  
CG: HE'S WAVING HYPERACTIVELY AT ME LIKE A RETARDED DOLPHIN WITH THE MOTOR CENTER OF ITS' SOFT PAN BEING STIMULATED BY REMOTE CONTROL FOR THE PLEASURE OF A BUNCH OF BUMBLEFUCK MARINE BIOLOGISTS WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH THEIR TIME.  
TT: That's oddly specific.  
CG: DESPITE THE FACT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO STAND NEAR DAVE AND INHALE THE WAFTING STENCH OF A THOUSAND AND ONE NIGHTS OF UNWASHED WET DREAM THAT IS DAVE STRIDER'S MUSK, I'M COMING OVER THERE.  
CG: YOU BETTER FUCKING APPRECIATE ALL THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU, ROSE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

Karkat stomps over just as Rose stashes her phone in her bag. You continue to wave him over just because you know it annoys him.

  
"Hello, Karkat." Rose greets as she stands. You remain seated as you wave.

  
"Rose." He nods, then glares down at you. "Paste faced aviator wannabe douche."

  
"Grumpy old troll." You nod back, still waving.

  
"Are you done doing that?"

  
"Doing what?"

  
"Waving like an asshole."

  
"I'll be done when you wave back."

  
Karkat sighs and wearily waves his hand at you in the slowest and most irritated greeting you've ever seen. You stop waving.

  
"Hi, Karkat."

  
"Dave." He flips you off and turns his attention back to Rose. "So, I was going to give these to Kanaya as show of appreciation, but I thought about it after you pestered me and I think it would be better if it came from you."

  
Karkat rummages around in his backpack and pulls out two slips of paper.

  
Rose takes them and glances down. "Tickets to a rainbow drinker film festival?"

  
Karkat nods. "Yeah, Kanaya's really into rainbow drinkers. I scoured the internet for hours looking for something like this close by. It's only a town over, about a twenty minute drive. She would probably prefer to go with you. Maybe you could get dinner and make a date out of it." He shrugs.

  
Rose's pale eyebrows knit together. "Are you sure about this, Karkat?"

  
"I'm sure. I don't even like rainbow drinker films. Anyway, this seems more like a romantic date thing as opposed to a pale outing like I'd planned. I can always hang out with Kanaya some other time."

  
"Speaking of Kanaya," you interrupt, pointing down the hall, "here she comes now."

  
Kanaya is wandering towards the three of you slowly, you don't think she's seen you yet. Rose straightens her dress and brushes nonexistent dirt off of it.

  
You're about to greet Kanaya when your upraised hand is suddenly flashsnatched (still not aloud, fuck) and you're dragged to your feet.

  
"Come on, Dave. We should leave the girls alone." Karkat takes you down the hall and away from Rose and Kanaya as they finally meet up.

  
"But I wanted to watch!" You protest insistently as you turn a corner.

  
Karkat stops, and you almost crash into him. "Of course we're gonna watch, dumbass. Now keep quiet for once in your meaningless existence and maybe we'll be able to hear them."

  
He peeks around the corner and gestures for you to do the same.

  
You can see the two of them, but you can't hear anything they're saying. This is disappointing, because you can clearly see Kanaya's face flash green at intervals as she continually loses and regains her composure. Rose is much smoother in person than online, apparently.

  
"How come you were helping Rose out with Kanaya so much?" You whisper down to Karkat. "Like, giving her those tickets and shit?"

  
"Like I said, I don't like rainbow drinker movies."

  
"But you were totally willing to sit through them for Kanaya, so what changed? Why give them to Rose, someone who barely knows her?"

  
"Oh, come on, Dave! Just look at them!" He gestures to the girls just as Rose offers Kanaya one of the tickets. "They both clearly like each other. Can you think of a better match than those two?"

  
You look at the two of them again. Rose and Kanaya.

  
Rose, your sister and best friend who loved to exercise her psychological merit on you and who was interested in knitting and knock-off Lovecraft novels and the zoologically dubious.

  
Kanaya, someone you were beginning to see as that super sarcastic friend you clearly needed and who was interested in fashion and gardening and rainbow drinkers.

  
Rose and Kanaya, who were both in the same fashion design class and collaborated on a sweater together to gain information on a relationship you didn't have, then disregarding everything they learned because they thought you and Karkat were lying.

  
Rose and Kanaya, who were both separately meddling in said imaginary relationship.

  
"Holy shit, they're perfect for each other." Alpha couple.

  
"I know, right?" Karkat agrees emphatically.

  
"You seem oddly invested in their relationship." You remark.

  
"I _am_ oddly invested in their relationship." Karkat agrees. "Kanaya deserves to be happy, and I think Rose will be good for her."

  
You wonder if Kanaya thinks the same thing about your relationship with Karkat. "Aw, look at you, being such a sweet moirail and being all concerned for your besties with pale benefits well being." You elbow him lightly as you tease, and he growls at you in warning.

  
Rose gestures for Kanaya to stay where she is as she glides back to where the three of you had been only moments previous. She left her backpack in front of her locker when she'd gone to talk to Kanaya. Rose bent to pick it up and lifted her gaze, making eye contact with the both of you. She smirks. She smirks and fucking winks at the both of you as she picks up her backpack, removes her phone, and walks away back to join the waiting Kanaya.

  
Karkat's phone plays that tinny version of the Thresh Prince theme song as the Rose takes Kanaya's hand and leaves with her down the hall in the opposite direction. All you see are their retreating backs.

  
You turn your attention to Karkat as he fumbles with his phone. He groans loudly and makes a face that is equal portions disgust and resignation.

  
"Who's it from?" You ask.

  
Karkat is rubbing his temples with one hand and just pushes his phone into your chest with the other. You take it willingly and read the damn thing.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TT: Thank you once again, Karkat. Kanaya was in fact very interested in going to this film festival. Apparently it's a rather famous one, where they'll be playing some of the oldest rainbow drinker films in troll cinematic history. But I have a feeling you were already well aware of that.  
TT: Believe me when I say I appreciate everything you have done for me thus far. Really.  
TT: Let me know if you experience any problems in your budding relationship with Dave, I'll be happy to help.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

"Why do they both keep insisting we're in a fucking relationship?" Karkat demands, practically shouting. "I can barely stand you!"

  
"Hey, I don't much enjoy your company myself." You shrug. "But that reminds me, you're my boyfriend."

  
Karkat leans as far away from you as he can without moving and looks at you like you're a crazy person. His only response is a flat "What?"

  
"You're my boyfriend." You repeat. "As far as my family's concerned, anyway. I had to tell my bro we were a thing because he almost caught me the other day when I was leaving, and it would probably just help if we kept the charade up with Rose, too. And Roxy, I guess."

  
He looks you up and down as if sizing you up for the first time. From the curl of his lip you don't think he likes what he sees.

  
"Do I...do I have to act... _differently_ in front of your family, then?" He asks awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable with this situation.

  
"Nah, I just thought you'd like to know that you're taken."

  
"Okay..." He straightens back up and clears his throat while running a hand through his hair in an effort to smooth it out. "Just don't expect any special treatment, Dave."

  
You nod. "Got it." You want to get off of this topic so bad now. "Did you ever finish that essay?"

  
Karkat's expression shifts from that awkward discomfort to a prideful smirk in no time flat. "You bet your pancake ass I did."

  
"Okay, seriously, stop insulting my ass like that. It's not even fucking flat."

  
You and Karkat start walking, no destination in mind.

  
"If it's any consolation, there's enough ass in your personality to make up for the lack in physical presence." You walk him to his first hour without thinking about it.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School started back up again for me, so between school, homework, work, and maybe sleeping, expect chapters to be added more infrequently than they have been up to this point.  
> Since I don't actually know how long it'll be in between chapters from now on, I'm just going to leave my tumblr at the bottom in case anyone has any questions or concerns about future chapters that they don't want to put in the comment section.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] created a new memo board 'RAINBOW ASSHOLE BRIGADE'

CG: ATTENTION ALL STUPID FUCKING DIPSHITS I HAVE THE SHAME TO CALL FRIENDS. CG: I HAVE OPENED UP THIS MEMO IN PESTERCHUM SINCE APPARENTLY WE CAN'T SIT THROUGH A SINGLE GOD DAMN MEETING WITHOUT PLAYING GAMES MEANT FOR WIGGLERS WHO GESTATE IN THEIR OWN TOXIC FECES AND MANHANDLE THEIR SHAMEGLOBES BECAUSE THEIR PANS ARE LITERALLY SO SOFT THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER.  
CG: ALSO ALL OF YOU OINK BEASTS KEEP WRECKING MY HOUSE AND NEVER HELP CLEAN UP, AND I'M SICK OF IT. NOT EVEN THE PLAYING CARDS? I MEAN, COME ON, HAVE SOME DECENCY. WE'RE TROLLS, NOT SAVAGES.

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo

TG: holy shit its the rainbow asshole brigade that brings back memories oh my god karkat remember when i said i wanted to name my next group that and there you go  kicking ass and taking peoples board names like a shameless plagiarist wait does it count as plagiarism if youre the one who said it in the first place and i called dibs you know what never mind i think its just copyright infringement at best  
TG: also fuck you i helped clean up shit i picked up a bunch of cards when i left or do you not remember complaining about that  
CG:NOTICE HOW THAT MESSAGE SAID "TROLLS" AND NOT "HUMANS" YOU STUPID PRICK.  
TG: so it does okay carry on

twinArmageddon [TA] responded to memo

TA: 2o were doiing thii2 iin2tead of draggiing our2elve2 two your pla2e?

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo

GA: It Appears So. Yes.  
TA: KK, we go through thii2 every couple week2 or whenever you get fed up wiith u2 iin per2on. Thii2 ii2nt anythiing new 2o 2top actiing liike iit ii2, a22hole.  
TG: im new to this  
CG: YEAH, DOUCHEBAG, DAVE'S NEW TO THIS.  
TA: who giive2 a 2hiit?

apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo

AA: is this mem0 g0ing s0mewhere 0r sh0uld i just cl0se 0ut 0f pesterchum  
CG: ARADIA, STAY THE FUCK ON THIS MEMO OR I WILL COME FIND YOU AND SCREAM EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE MESSAGES INTO YOUR AURAL CAVITIES UNTIL YOUR MELTED PAN DRIPS OUT OF THEM AND PUDDLES INTO A GROSS MAROON PASTE AT YOUR FEET.  
CG: THE SAME GOES FOR THE REST OF YOU, WITH THE SLIGHT ALTERATION OF THE PASTE BEING IN YOUR OWN RESPECTIVE BLOOD COLORS.  
TG: aw look at you being all nice and inclusive in your insults what a great guy now everyones equally offended  
TG: thats what the fight for equality is all about  
AA: because it d0esnt l00k like this is g0ing anywhere  
TA: iim wiith AA on thii2.  
TG: guys i got an idea lets mutiny  
CG: WOULD EVERYONE JUST SHUT THEIR GAPING SQUAWK BLASTERS FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS AND LET ME TALK? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR ON MY OWN BOARD?  
GA: I Agree Lets Let Karkat Talk First.  
TG: then mutiny  
GA: Depending On The State Of Affairs I Suppose A Mutiny Could Be A Viable Option.  
TG: you heard it here folks its a mutiny led by kanaya  
TG: kanaya how could you  
GA: Dave Dont Be Ridiculous In The Face Of A Mutiny I Would Remain With The Current Captain And Go Down With The Ship If I Must.  
TG: and what a pale ship it is  
CG: DAVE, DIDN'T I ALREADY TELL YOU TO SHUT UP? I'VE ALREADY DEALT WITH ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT FOR ONE DAY.  
TG: this is the first time we talked today  
CG: EXACTLY.  
AA: this still isnt g0ing anywhere that mutiny is s0unding better and better with every resp0nse  
TG: did you hear that kanaya you have more followers  
TG: anyone else up for a mutiny against our tiny grenade of a captain  
CG: ARE YOU CALLING ME UGLY, DAVE? REALLY? BECAUSE THAT'S A MAJOR CASE OF THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE A FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL SHIT SNIFFER.  
TG: okay i think the phrase youre looking for is pot calling the kettle black if youre going to insult me do it properly or did you learn nothing from monsters inc  
TG: what i meant was youre small and you blow up easily and violently limbs flying everywhere and weird blood splashing all over the place making the ground look like a fucking jackson pollock during his phase as a failed landscape artist

centaursTesticle [CT] responded to memo

CT: D --> Nepeta and I will not be participating in this heinous act of treason

arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to memo

AC: :33 < i will puurticipate in any heinous cat of treason i want   
CT: D --> No you can't I forbid you from doing it  
AC: :33 < you cat furbid me from doing things   
CT: D --> Yes I can as your moirail I have the authority also I apologize in advance for this  
CT: D --> I am a highb100d and you have to obey me  
AC: :33 < nuh uh   
CT: D --> Yes  
AC: :33 < no   
CT: D --> Yes  
AC: :33 < no  
CT: D --> Yes  
TG: i now understand what karkat meant when he said that thing about equius/nepeta conversations that one time  
CG: I HATE TO TAKE SIDES ON SUCH A CEREBRAL DEBATE THAT I'VE NEVER HEARD EVERY TIME I OPEN A GROUP MEMO AND A MILLION TIMES OUTLOUD, BUT I JUST HAVE TO SAY THAT I DON'T THINK YOU CAN JUST FORBID YOUR MOIRAIL FROM DOING THINGS LIKE THAT. FOR EXAMPLE:  
CG: KANAYA, I FORBID YOU FROM READING ANY MORE RAINBOW DRINKER NOVELS. THEY ARE FAR TOO LEWD FOR A LADY OF YOUR CALIBER TO BE INDULGING IN.  
GA: Thank You For Your Concern Karkat But My Choice In Literature Is None Of Your Concern. At Any Rate They Are No More Lewd Than Your Own Favored Works.  
GA: Just To Clarify My Answer Is An Outraged No Dont Tell Me How To Live My Life.  
CG: THANK YOU FOR THAT STELLAR PERFORMANCE, KANAYA.  
GA: Any Time.  
CT: D --> But she is higher up on the spectrum than you  
CT: D --> She doesn't have to obey you if you can't pull rank on her  
CG: OKAY, FUCK YOU AND THE HOOFBEAST YOU RODE IN ON. SEPARATELY. BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE JUST THE TYPE TO TAKE THAT AND THINK I MEANT 'HEY, LET'S HAVE A FUCKING BESTIALITY SEX PARTY, A LITERAL CLUSTERFUCK, JUST YOU AND A BUNCH OF HORSES. IT'LL BE LIKE YOUR WILDEST DREAMS COME TO LIFE.'  
CG: SO FUCK BOTH OF YOU, BUT NOT TOGETHER AND WITH MEMBERS OF YOUR OWN SPECIES. OR BETTER YET, YOU FUCK YOURSELF WHILE YOUR HOOFBEAST WATCHES FROM   
AFAR.  
CG: BETTER KNOWN AS 'A NORMAL SATURDAY FOR EQUIUS'.  
CG: I AM YOUR LEADER REGARDLESS OF MY PLACE ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM, HOOFBEAST DICK. IF I ASK YOU TO DO SOMETHING, YOU SHOULD JUST DO IT IF IT PERTAINS TO THE GROUP AS A WHOLE. THIS ISN'T A HARD CONCEPT TO GRASP. NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING OF ACTUAL VALUE TO CONTRIBUTE. LIKE A STATUS REPORT. ABOUT YOUR FUCKING JOB. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU HIGHBLOOD DOUCHESTICK?  
CT: D --> I need a towel  
TG: ha ha gross  
CG: AND ANOTHER THING, CASTE-IST TALK LIKE THAT IS WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING *AGAINST*, IN CASE ANYONE ELSE BESIDES EQUIUS CONVENIENTLY FUCKING FORGOT.  
TA: ii thought we were ju2t gettiing twogether two play fiidu22pawn.  
CG: SERIOUSLY, THIS IS IMPORTANT. CAN WE JUST GET THE HELL ON WITH THIS THING? I'M STARTING TO THINK THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.  
TA: hear that everybody?  
TA: KK thiink2 thii2 maybe wa2 a bad iidea liike he2 thought every tiime he open2 a fuckiing memo.  
CG: ARADIA, HOW'S THE PROTECTION RACKET GOING?  
AA: i am enj0ying it s0 far i have injured several pe0ple th0ugh n0t m0rtally  
AA: at first i felt a bit bad about injuring them at all but then they made fun 0f my bl00d c0l0r and made s0me extremely caste-ist remarks and slurs t0wards me  
AA: after that the 0nly thing i felt bad ab0ut was equius restraining me  
TG: kinky  
AA: talk shit get hit dave thems the rules  
CT: D --> I believe I need another towel for this e%essive amount of sweat  
CG: THANK YOU, ARADIA, I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU'RE ENJOYING KICKING SOME MAJOR ASS. AS ALWAYS, EQUIUS, YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S OKAY TO SHARE WITH EVERYBODY.   
DISGUSTINGLY EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF SWEAT DUE TO YOU GETTING OFF ON BEING COMMANDED BY THOSE LOWER THAN YOU OR BY THE TESTICLES OF HOOFBEASTS? TOO MUCH   
INFORMATION. I DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SWEAT. PERIOD. NO EXCEPTIONS.  
CG: OKAY, NEXT TOPIC. SOLLUX, NEPETA, HOW ARE THINGS GOING WITH YOU GUYS? I HEARD YOU HAVE THE NEW GUY ON YOUR TEAM.  
TG: i thought i was the new guy  
CG: THE OTHER NEW GUY.  
TA: yeah we got hiim, he 2tays pretty clo2e two CD though.  
TA: by the way iim 2tiill not happy wiith beiing 2wiitched two drugs.  
AC: :33 < i have no purroblem with kit  
AC: :33 < catually according to my calculations we are doing better than ever befur  
TA: 2he2 right we have more product than we know what to do wiith.  
TG: okay so i have a question  
CG: SHOOT.  
CG: AND BY SHOOT I MEAN, SOMEONE FUCKING SHOOT DAVE IN HIS SMUG STUPID FACE TO STOP HIM FROM  INTERRUPTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MEETING WITH ASININE COMMENTS AND WEIRD TRIPS DOWN MEMORY LANE LIKE SOME ASSHOLE ON HIS  DEATHBED WITH ONE FROND IN THE CORPSE BOX. SOMEONE PAINT THE WALLS WITH HIS WEIRD GRAY BRAIN MATTER AND HIS DISGUSTINGLY  CHERRY BLOOD AND THEN PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY TOO, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT. I AM HAVING SUCH A TERRIBLE TIME HERE, I WOULD RATHER END IT NOW AND SPEND ETERNITY WITH A NEW BUNCH OF ANUS BLISTERS THAN SPEND  ANOTHER MINUTE HERE WITH ALL OF YOU AND YOUR  MINDLESS DRIVEL.  
TG: alright but first i have a question  
CG: AAAGGGHFUAVBAGHYUAHJKDVFBVKAJRBIEURGHAIERGBVAJVNALJJHEIRUHAG3UYGETYIA  
GA: Karkat Are You Alright. That Seemed Like A Bit Of An Overreaction. Should I Come Over.  
CG: NO, IT'S FINE. I'M FINE. I JUST FORGOT HOW MUCH I REALLY HATE THESE THINGS. NEXT WEEK EVERYBODY'S DRAGGING THEIR SORRY ASSES BACK TO MY PLACE SO I CAN INSULT YOU ALL TO YOUR FACES AND WATCH AS MY WORDS TEAR DOWN ALL YOUR DEFENSES AND LEAVE YOU WEAK AND STUPID AND WIGGLER-LIKE BEFORE ME AND THE DISMAY FLUID DRIPS FROM THE COLLECTIVE EYE OF THE CREW IN EVERY SHADE IN THE HEMOSPECTRUM AND FLOODS THE ROOM, EFFECTIVELY DROWNING ME IN A TECHNICOLOR TIDE AND FILLING MY LUNGS WITH SALT WATER UNTIL I EVENTUALLY DIE.  
GA: Im Coming Over.  
TA: what wa2 your que2tiion?  
TG: so the drugs you guys keep yakking about are just sopor right  
AC: :33 < sopurr derivatives  
TG: okay so sopor thats not technically illegal is it  
TA: iit ii2 iif youre a troll and youre 2elliing iit for con2umptiion.  
TG: right you guys sleep in it  
TG: which brings me to a different question about your current problem  
TG: why dont you just sleep on it  
TG: the extra sopor i mean  
TG: you know to hide the evidence or whatever easy right maybe give it to karkat that guy seriously sounds like he could use a good long nap  
TG: fuck we deserve karkat to take a huge long nap so we dont have to deal with him all the time you know just maybe get him to pass the fuck out so there would be some peace and quiet for once then maybe my headache would go away  
CG: DAVE, IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING OF VALUE THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP LIKE YOU NEVER SEEM TO DO EVERY TIME I FUCKING ASK YOU TO?  
TG: ow there it is again just reading this text is making it worse karkat why would you do this to me it hurts  
CG: GOOD.  
TG: okay actually ouch  
CG: YOU BEING A MASSIVE PLATE OF MOLDY ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS ASIDE, THE SOPOR THING WASN'T TOO BAD OF AN IDEA. I MEAN, IT CLEARLY CAN'T ACTUALLY BE USED FOR THAT, BUT IT CAN SURE AS FUCK BE STORED WTH SOMEONE'S SUPPLY OF SOPOR FOR SAFE KEEPING. SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE THE EXCESS, SINCE I DON'T HAVE A COON TO STORE IT IN. IT WOULD LOOK SUSPICIOUS IF I HAD IT.

terminallyCapricious [TC] responded to memo

TC: iF yOu'rE iN nEeD oF a MoThErFuCkInG hAnD wItH tHe MiRaCuLoUs SlImE i'm YoUr MaN, bRoThEr.  
CG: GAMZEE YOU ARE COMPLETELY BLOWN OUT OF YOUR PAN IF YOU THINK FOR ONE MIRACLE RAINBOW SHITTING MINUTE THAT I'M GOING TO LET YOU ANYWHERE NEAR OUR SUPPLY AFTER WHAT YOU FUCKING DID, YOU CLOWN FACED ASS BLASTER.  
TC: WhAt DiD i AlL uP aNd FuCkInG dO.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ALL UP AND FUCKING DID, GAMZEE. YOU ATE ALL OF THE GOD DAMN SOPOR SLIME THAT WE NEEDED TO SELL! DON'T GET HIGH ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY, GAMZEE. THAT'S RULE NUMBER ONE. THEY DON'T EVEN TEACH THAT RULE ANYMORE BECAUSE IT'S SO FUCKING CLICHE THAT ANYONE WHO SAYS IT IN A SERIOUS CONTEXT IS RENDERED RIDICULOUSLY IDIOTIC FOR EVEN THINKING SOMEONE WOULDN'T ALREADY BE AWARE OF THE RULE.  
CG: BUT SINCE I AM APPARENTLY THE RING LEADER IN A CARNIVAL OF PANTS SHITTING IDIOTS, I'M GOING TO FUCKING REPEAT MYSELF.  
CG: GAMZEE, WHAT'S RULE NUMBER ONE?  
TC: dOn't Get HiGh On ThIs ShIt ThAt AiNt MiNe.  
CG: CLOSE ENOUGH. SO DO YOU SEE WHY I CAN'T LET YOU TAKE THE SHIT HOME WITH YOU?  
TC: BeCaUsE tHe MiRtHfUl MeSsIaHs WiLlEd It NoT cOoL.

adiosToreador [AT] responded to memo

AT: yOU COULD LEAVE IT, WITH ME,  
AT: iF yOU WANT TO,  
CG: TAVROS, YOU KNOW I CAN'T LEAVE IT WITH YOU, EITHER. YOU'RE NOT AS STUPID AS YOU LOOK, WE'VE HAD THIS DISCUSSION.  
AT: i KNOW, BUT, i THOUGHT i'D TRY, ANYWAY BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH, ASKING,  
AT: yOU COULD'VE CHANGED yOUR MIND,  
CG: WELL, I DIDN'T. I DON'T THINK I EVER WILL, EITHER. NOT ON THIS SUBJECT AT LEAST. SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE THE SOPOR.

adiosToreador [AT] ceased responding to memo

TG: maybe i should take it  
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TAKE IT? YOU'RE NOT EVEN A TROLL. THAT WOULD LOOK A LOT MORE FUCKING SUSPICIOUS THAN ANY ONE OF US TAKING IT.  
TG: exactly no one will see it coming  
CG: JUST WHEN I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME FUNCTIONING CELLS IN THAT PAN, YOU GO AND SMOTHER THEM UNDER A SHIT BLANKET OF IDIOCY.  
TG: okay i wont take it i mean i was mostly kidding but if youd said yes then i would have gladly just taken the shit just to see what all the fuss was about  
TG: i mean i know you guys sleep in the stuff but why  
CG: DO YOU PAY ATTENTION IN SCHOOL? AT ALL? BECAUSE THIS IS ALL CRAP YOU HUMANS LEARNED IN THIRD GRADE.  
TG: you expect me to remember third grade karkat i barely remember the Alamo  
TG: i do remember the titans though  
AA: i will take the s0p0r if it gets us back 0n track  
CG: THANK YOU, ARADIA. ONCE AGAIN, ARADIA MEGIDO IS THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED WITH FINISHING OFF THIS MEMO AND GETTING ON WITH OUR LIVES. THE REST OF YOU JUST WANT TO SEE HOW LONG THIS THING CAN GET BEFORE I KILL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU AND THEN MYSELF.  
TA: hey KK couldnt help but notii2e that you kept GZ and TV twogether and 2eparated me and AA what the fuck i2 up with that?  
AA: this is n0t back 0n track  
CG: ARADIA SAID SHE WANTED TO SWITCH, REMEMBER? THIS WASN'T THAT LONG AGO, I KNOW YOUR MEMORY'S NOT THAT SHORT.  
TA: you diidnt even con2ider 2pliitiing them up though, iit wa2nt even mentiioned.  
CG: THEY WORK REALLY WELL TOGETHER, I'D RATHER NOT SPLIT UP PAIRS THAT I ALREADY KNOW WORK WELL TOGETHER.  
TA: you 2pliit up liiterally everyone el2e ex2ept you and KN.  
CG: EQUIUS WAS AGAINST WORKING WITH THE DRUGS, NEPETA WASN'T. I HATED HAVING TO SPLIT SUCH A GREAT TEAM LIKE THAT, BUT THEY DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND TOO  MUCH.  
CT: D --> I still don't see the need for all those to%ic soporifics po100ting the b100dstream.  
CT: D --> All of you lowb100ds have such horrible sludge running through you already. The e%uberant use of such vile ha100cinogens by those of a higher b100d makes them no better than rust hued trolls.  
CT: D --> I just don't understand why a noble would use them or advocate their use so vehemently.  
TC: bRoThEr, YoU nEeD tO cHiLl. HaVe YoU eVeR tAsTeD tHe MiRaClE eLiXiR gRaNtEd To OuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg SeLvEs By ThE mIrThFuL aLmIgHtY mEsSiAhS tHemSeLvEs?  
CG: WOW. SERIOUSLY, ARE WE REHASHING THIS A-FUCKING-GAIN? WE LITERALLY JUST WENT OVER THIS YOU BLUE BLOOD SHIT. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT DOING IT. I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING REPEAT MYSELF ABOUT SOMETHING THIS EASY TO UNDERSTAND THAT WE'VE ALREADY COVERED A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE.  
CG: PLEASE SCROLL UPWARDS AND REFER YOURSELF TO THE RANT THAT BEGINS "OKAY, FUCK YOU AND THE HOOFBEAST YOU RODE IN ON". IF YOU HIT "ARADIA, STAY THE FUCK ON THIS MEMO" YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.  
TA: my p2iioniic 2en2e ii2 tiingliing.  
TA: and my 2en2e2 2ay favoriitii2m.  
CG: SOLLUX, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I THOUGHT WE WERE GETTING BACK TO WHAT THIS MEMO WAS ACTUALLY FOR?  
TG: and what is this memo for karkat i cant really tell  
TG: did you want attention or something karkat you coul have just asked could have been all like hey pay attention to me and i would have been like no fuck you and then you would have said ha ha you just did by responding to me  
TG: and then wed all have a good long laugh  
CG: FUCK YOU, DAVE. I WOULD NEVER BEG YOU OR ANYONE FOR ATTENTION, NOT IN THIS OR ANY UNIVERSE, AND YOU SAYING SO IS FUCKING CALUMNY AGAINST MY CHARACTER TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE, YOU LYING TWIG.  
TG: i cant believe you called me a twig  
CG: GET USED TO IT, YOU BLUNDERING, SPINDLE-SHANKED NOOKLUMP.  
TG: i just googled that and you just called me a clumsy skinny legged lump on troll anatomy  
TG: what the fuck  
TA: liike ii wa2 2ayiing favoriitii2m ii2 the thiing ii wa2 accu2iing our leader of.  
CG: HOW THE FUCK IS IT FAVORITISM IF I LITERALLY HATE ALL OF YOU EQUALLY WITH ALL OF MY BEING?  
TA: you just broke up wiith GZ and diidn't want to be 2een a2 the biitter ex by 2pliittiing hiim up from hii2 mate2priit.  
TA: whiich ii2 2tupiid a2 fuck by the way, you werent even iin that quadrant!  
CG: I'M NOT BITTER, THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.  
TG: dude youre as bitter as a cheap instant coffee landmine  
TG: everyone who steps incorrectly gets a puff of asphyxiating coffee grounds to the face and is left there immobilized and sputtering as they choke on gross brown dust  
TG: that being said i dont think youre bitter about your ex bro bestie  
TA: no that wa2 definitely iit.   
TA: he diidnt want GZ two thiink that he wa2 mad or jealou2 or 2omethiing 2o he 2pliit the re2t of u2 up two accomodate the clowny fuck.  
TA: but then he al2o kept hii2 oriigiinal partner wiith hiim and added the new dou2he.  
TA: at fiir2t ii thought that wa2 becau2e he wa2 tryiing two make up for not 2wiitchiing partner2 liike the re2t of u2, but unfortunately ii thiink KK actually liike2 the 2hady prick.  
TG: does he  
TG: well i would hope so since hes my boyfriend and all  
GA: What.  
TA: ii re2t my ca2e.  
TG: not really cause i was mostly kidding i mean my family thinks were dating because i spend so much time with the dude because apparently youre only allowed one close dudebro per lifetime and i made the mistake of choosing egbert  
TG: im kidding of course egberts cool  
TG: hey karkat i was just thinking you were surprisingly chill with being my pretend boyfriend like you didnt fight me on it at all or anything  
TG: was that your grand master plan or did i look that desperate  
CG: YOU ALWAYS LOOK THAT DESPERATE.  
CG: SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY ON WHY I WAS "SURPRISINGLY CHILL" WITH THIS FAKE DATING YOU THING, HERE'S AN EXPLANATION:  
CG: FUCK YOU, I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY MY ACTIONS TO THE LIKES OF YOU, YOU SOGGY PIECE OF HUMAN MILK TOAST.  
CG: YOUR FAMILY ALREADY THINKS WE'RE DATING, SO IF I WENT AGAINST IT AND DENIED THAT, THEN THEY MIGHT START GETTING SUSPICIOUS AND TRY LOOKING INTO WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH ME ALL THE TIME IF WE'RE NOT TOGETHER ROMANTICALLY. I'D RATHER NOT HAVE A FUCKTON OF STRILONDES IN MY BUSINESS JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK OUR DEAL IS. CORROBORATING WITH SUCH A STUPID AND IMPOSSIBLE IDEA SEEMED, UNFORTUNATELY, LIKE THE BEST AND SAFEST ROUTE TO GETTING THEM ALL OFF OUR BACKS. I'M MAD AND UNCOMFORTABLE, DAVE, BUT I'M NOT STUPID.  
TG: okay ill take that  
TG: we should probably take some pictures together or something to go along with it as proof of a relationship or something  
CG: NOPE. NOW YOU'RE PUSHING IT.  
TG: pictures is pushing it  
GA: Photographic Evidence Appears To Be Pushing It.  
TG: you have weird boundaries but whatever i accept that i guess because thats just the kind of guy i am  
TG: ill just photoshop myself into this photo i already have of you  
TG: you know what a shitty photoshop picture of us together totally sounds like something we would do as an actual real not fake couple thanks for the idea babe  
CG: I HOPE YOU GET FUCKED IN THE EAR WITH A DIRTY NEEDLE REPEATEDLY AND YOU CONTRACT ONE OF YOUR WEIRD STDS.  
TG: wait do trolls not have stds  
CG: NO, WE DON'T TRY TO LOAD OUR MATESPRIT'S EVERY ORIFICE WITH OUR OWN GENETIC SLURRY LIKE IT'LL FILL SOME VOID IN THE CAVITY OF THEIR EMPTY LIVES, YOU NARCISSISTIC  MONKEY PROBLEM.  
TG: okay so no stds then cool you learn something new every day so subject change hey kanaya where have you been i was starting to think you left the memo or something  
GA: Typing In My Current Position Is Awkward. I Can Barely See My Phone.  
CG: KANAYA, YOU COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING. I CAN MOVE.  
GA: No Thats Fine.  
TG: oh so kanayas over at your place then and youre being all cuddle bugs or something  
TG: get it because you guys are like insectoid alien things or something  
AA: i g0t it  
AA: i think im g0ing t0 leave th0ugh this feels like its pr0bably g0ing t0 wrap up sh0rtly and i already did my part by 0fferring up all i c0uld  
AA: when sh0uld i expect the s0p0rifics  
CG: I'M HOPING SOMETIME WITHING THE NEXT WEEK, BUT YOU'D HAVE TO TALK TO EITHER SOLLUX OR NEPETA ABOUT THAT, SINCE APPARENTLY NO ONE IS WILLING TO TELL ME ANYTHING IN MY OWN FUCKING GANG.  
TG: i think thats just called an orgy  
AC: :33 < we're expetcting the next delifurry by meownday  
AA: thank y0u nepeta

apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased responding to memo

AC: :33 < i should purrobably be leaving too   
AC: :33 < i have a date to pet ready fur!

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased responding to memo

CT: D --> I must pester my moirail about this supposed date.

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased responding to memo

TG: okay so that just leaves me karkat kanaya dipshitx2 and clown douche  
CG: THAT'S AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF WHO'S LEFT.  
CG: I THINK I'M GOING TO END THIS MEMO SOON, IT WAS A TOTAL DISASTER, AS SHOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED WITH THIS GROUP OF DISTRACTING DUMBASSES. WERE YOU ACTUALLY GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THAT BITCHING, SOLLUX?  
TA: not really, ii wa2 ju2t biitchiing two dii2tract from whatever thii2 wa2 2uppo2ed two be about, 2iin2e you alway2 do that two me about 2tuff. calliing you out on your hypocriitiical bull2hiit wa2 ju2t the mucu2 on the grubloaf.  
TA: ii dont actually care about the 2wiitchiing partner2 thing. nepeta2 cool, unliike you.  
TA: have fun wiith your 2tupiid human lo2er boyfriiend, a22hole.

twinArmageddon [TA] ceased responding to memo

TG: and then there were four  
TG: clown douche hasnt said anything for awhile is he still actually here  
GA: There Is A Significant Chance He Is High And Currently Zoning The Fuck Out In The Realm Of The Mythical Messiahs Over The Faygo Rainbow.  
CG: I COULDN'T HAVE PHRASED IT BETTER MYSELF, KANAYA.  
TG: so youre saying its back to team slick dreamer team casino  
CG: YOU TYPED TEAM TWICE, YOU ILLITERATE MEMORY IMPAIRED FUCK.  
TG: thats because were twice the team as all those other stupid ones  
TG: were the best team  
TG: its us  
TG: anyway what are we doing when are we meeting next and also can i tend bar  
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO TEND BAR? IT'S SO TERRIBLE. YOU HAVE TO TALK TO INSIPID, MOSTLY DRUNK OUT OF THEIR PANS AND GARBLY SEEDFLAP NIBBLERS AND YOU HAVE TO SMILE AND GRIND YOUR CALCIUM NUBS TO THE FUCKING GUMLINE TO KEEP YOU FROM CLIMBING ACROSS THE COUNTER AND MURDERING THE SONS OF BITCHES WHILE CONCOCTING MIXING A NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED DISGUSTING COCKTAIL THAT TASTES LIKE SWEETENED NAIL POLISH REMOVER FOR THEM.  
TG: well you looked cool and i figured if it made a square dude like you look cool then i cant even fathom what it would do to a guy like me whos already the epitome of cool  
TG: forget about cucumber people want to be as cool as dave  
CG: YES. SO COOL. SO, SO COOL. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU HAVEN'T DIED FROM HYPOTHERMIA YET. IT'S A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING, REALLY. HEY, MAYBE SOMEDAY SOON YOU'LL BECOME SO COOL YOU FINALLY FREEZE YOUR SHAMEGLOBES TO YOUR LIPS DURING A FUTILE ATTEMPT TO SUCK YOUR OWN TINY, SHRIVELED DICK AND YOU DIE OF BOTH HEAT LOSS AND CRIPPLING EMBARRASSMENT.  
CG: YEAH, SURE. I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO TEND BAR NEXT WEEK. WE'LL BE MEETING ON SATURDAY.  
TG: this Saturday  
CG: TODAY'S SATURDAY, DAVE.  
TG: i know i just want to make sure you could mean now you like doing these things late at night  
CG: NO, DAVE. WE'RE NOT DOING IT TONIGHT. I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT IT BEFORE RIGHT FUCKING NOW, YOU STUPID IDIOT.  
TG: fair enough  
CG: I'M GOING TO END THIS MEMO NOW, SO MAKE SURE YOU WRITE THAT DOWN ON YOUR CALENDAR SO I DON'T HAVE TO BE HASSLED TO REMIND YOU LAST FUCKING MINUTE YOU  INCONSIDERATELY FORGETFUL FUCK.  
TG: alright date night next saturday got it  
GA: Go Ahead And Close The Memo Karkat. Ill Remind Him If It Comes To That.  
CG: ALRIGHT, KISS THIS COLORFUL WORD VOMIT MEMO GOODBYE, BECAUSE WE'RE NEVER DOING THIS SHIT EVER AGAIN. MARK MY WORDS.  
CG: NEVER.  
CG: AGAIN.  
TG: alright whatever you say man that sounds totally believable

carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo board 'RAINBOW ASSHOLE BRIGADE'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [homeiswherethestuckis](tumblr.com/blog/homeiswherethestuckis)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who found time over the weekend to write stuff! Whoo!

It's Saturday morning, and you can't believe you're awake. You're supposed to be doing something big, something important, something that requires you to be one hundred percent present and accounted for, mentally speaking. And physically, you guess. That was a given.

  
You make coffee. The whole pot. For yourself. Fuck the rest of your family, they can make their own god damn coffee, they don't need the fix like you do.

  
You sit there, watching the pot brew at such a fucking slow pace, like a sloth in molasses. You hate it. You want it to speed up, go full speed racer and hit mach five on this bitch.

  
But, nope.

  
It's.

  
So.

  
Fucking.

  
Slow.

  
Rose comes out of her room, and you can hear Roxy snoring loud and clear from the door Rose left ajar.

  
"No coffee for you," you say instead of greeting her, "it's mine. All mine. Get your own."

  
She lifts an eyebrow at you as she crosses the kitchen to grab dishes for breakfast. "I would, but it appears you confiscated the only pot." She has a bowl in her hand. "Not that I would need it, anyway. I'm meeting with Kanaya shortly."

  
"You're going on a Saturday morning date? God, it's too early for romantic excursions."

  
"That would be why I didn't ask you and Karkat to join us, no matter how much we would both enjoy a double date."

  
You almost get defensive and say he's not your boyfriend, but you catch yourself. As far as Rose is concerned, he is your boyfriend. Your brother and your sisters all think you're dating Karkat. You even got Karkat to agree to being your pretend boyfriend.

  
You're still not sure how you managed that one.

  
"No, I meant it's too early for any sort of romantic whatever the fuck. For anyone. Even for fucking sundance Kanaya." You rub your eyes under your shades. "I can't even imagine Karkat would be up at such a godforsaken hour. I can barely imagine me being up at such a godforsaken hour. Yet herer I am. Being and shit."

  
Rose pops a slice of bread in the toaster. "Why are you up, Dave? You clearly don't have plans this morning."

  
You stumble to your feet and get a cup for your daily dose of steaming awake juice. "Yeah, I don't, which is the whole fucking problem, Rose! I don't know why I'm awake right now. I never know why I'm awake. I'd rather be unconscious right now, getting horizontally and catching all those sneaky z's. They're getting harder to catch recently, Rose. I think they might be endangered or something."

  
You pour your cup and breathe it in. Ah. Beautiful. Fucking beautiful.

  
"I'm certain the caffeine won't help."

  
"Well, I'm already awake. Might as well be the awakest awake me I can be, you feel me?"

  
"Yes, I do feel you, Dave."

  
Roxy walks in, yawning loudly into her hand. "Are we feeling Dave now? Because that's a hoofbeast I can fucking get behind."

  
She shuffles over to you and pats your cheek on her way to procuring her own cup.

  
"Did you just say hoofbeast?"

  
"Yup. I like it, troll words are neat." Roxy purs a cup of your coffee. Your precious, precious coffee.

  
"Hey, stop it! That's not for you." You make a move to take the cup from her, but Roxy turns just in time to keep it far away from you.

  
"Then whose is it?" She asks as she drinks it slowly.

  
"Mine. Mine, mine. The entire pot's mine." You lunge for the cup again. You don't even care if Roxy's lipstick is on the rim of the cup or anything. "That's mine. My precious."

  
"Sorry Smeagol, this shit's mine." She tilts her head back and drains the cup, wiping her mouth on her sleeve. "I burned my tongue, ow, fuck!"

  
Roxy covers her mouth with her hand as if the gesture would help at all. Rose's toast pops up.

  
"At any rate, do you think you'll be ready to go soon, Roxy?" Rose asks as she butters her toast. You wonder what she was going to put in the bowl.

  
"Yeah, shouldn't take me too long to deal with this disaster." She gestures to her hair, which is messy from moving and shifting constantly on her bed all night long. It always amazed you how she and Rose were always able to keep their hair in whatever style they wanted with the little amount of product they both used. Especially Roxy's pointy, fifties-ish style retro hair. What the hell. Why couldn't you have inherited hair from the Lalonde side of the family. "I'll be back in a sec."

  
Roxy puts her cup down and disappears to the bathroom, you think. You turn your attention back to Rose, who's quietly munching on her toast.

  
"Where are you going?" You ask.

  
"On my date with Kanaya, I already told you that."

  
"No, I mean with Roxy."

  
"We're going on a double date. Roxy, John, Kanaya, and myself. I believe I also mentioned this earlier? Dave, are you alright? You don't seem to be retaining information very well today."

  
"Yeah, yeah, ha ha, let's all make fun of Dave and his memory which he has no problems with whatsoever. Big fucking laugh at my expense. I don't mind, I'm chill. Just remember that my memory is as vast as the fucking ocean, and when you need me most, I'll remember this moment when you made fun of my memory. And then I'll remind you about it while I help you out, because I'm not a terrible asshole like some people I know who aren't present and I'd actually be really concerned if you were in any real danger. I'm a good bro, Rose, and don't you forget it."

  
Rose just shakes her head at you. "Who else was making fun of your inadequate memory recently, Dave?"

  
"Oh, you know." You shrug. "Karkat, mostly. Last week he called me both a memory impaired idiot fuck and an inconsiderately forgetful fuck."

  
"Is it just me, or does the majority of Karkat's speech consist predominantly of the word fuck or similar expletives?"

  
You wrinkle your nose and reply as sarcastically as you can. "No, it's just you. He's a ray of expletive free sunshine. There's not an angry bone in his body."

  
You drain your cup just so you can fill it back up again while Rose rolls her eyes. You can't see it, but you just know that's what she's doing. She pours something into the bowl, and you honestly have no idea what, but it clearly isn't cereal. You turn around to look.

  
"Rose, what the fuck? Are those M&Ms?"

  
She puts down the bag of M&Ms and opens a different bag, pouring that one in the bowl as well. "And pretzels."

  
"You can't have pretzels and M&Ms for breakfast, Rose. It's not breakfast food."

  
"Neither are doritos, but that never stopped you before."

  
"Okay, fair enough." She picks up some of the chocolate and a pretzel and pops it into her mouth. "But aren't you going out soon?"

  
"Yes, on a date. That doesn't necessarily constitute eating, Dave."

  
"You're going with John, right? This early in the morning?"

  
"Both those statements are true."

  
"Then you're going out for breakfast. Probably to that diner that Jane keeps getting kicked out of for ordering all of their bacon and eggs." A thought occurs to you. "We should hang out with Jane more. Why don't we? She's cool and likes detective mysteries and bakes cake, she'd fit right the fuck in!"

  
"What would baking cake have to do with any of that? None of us bake."

  
"That's my point. There's not enough cake in this house."

  
"There's plenty of cake in this house, for someone raising four unruly teenagers on a cop's salary." Your dad shuffles in in a garishly yellow police tape pajama set the four of you unruly teenagers bought him for Christmas last year. You feel like it's been forever since you've seen him. Aside from dinner time, it probably has. "You should eat better. Both of you. When's the last time anyone in this house put a vegetable in their mouth?"

  
"What's a vegetable?" You ask as you hand him a cup of coffee.

  
He accepts it and does that thing where he rubs at his temple with one hand, as if he can massage through the hard outer shell of his body and scratch out the irritation you grew there.

  
It's been awhile since you've seen that. You didn't realize how much you missed it.

  
"Dave-" he starts.

  
"Relax, I know what a vegetable is and I totally get enough of them for a healthy growing boy. I drink like a gallon of aj a week, that's gotta count for something, right?" You shrug as you pass him a mug of coffee he so clearly needs to deal with you this early in the morning. He seems to relax a little, holding himself as not stiff as something with an exoskeleton physically can, you think.

  
"Apples are fruit, Dave." Rose chimes in. "And the juice from said fruit is more sugar than anything else. You should really learn to eat better, Dave."

  
"I can't believe you're sugar shaming me while you shovel chocolate into your mouth. Talk about the pot calling the kettle a filthy, filthy liar."

  
You don't have the energy to come up with any original insults right now, luckily Rose wasn't on last week's memo and is unaware of your plagiarized set up.

  
"The idiom is 'pot calling the kettle black', I know you know that." She shakes her head at you. "What I don't know is why you were so adamant against any of us drinking your precious coffee, yet you jumped at the chance of offering some to our father."

  
"In my defense, none of you actually asked. You just took my words at face value, which is something you should never do, Rose, I thought you knew better than that by now. Roxy didn't even ask, she just drank it-"

  
"Which is to be expected, as it is a communal pot."

  
"Anyway, how do you know I wasn't saving it for dad from the get go?"

  
Rose shrugs. "I suppose I have no proof against that. However, you also have no proof supporting your claim. Guilty until proven innocent."

  
You frown. "It's innocent until proven guilty, isn't it?"

  
You turn to your father for guidance, and he nods as he sips from his cup. It says #1 Dad on it, but you'd all crossed it out and wrote "Cop" on it instead.

  
"Yeah, Rose, innocent until proven guilty!" You repeat more confidently.

  
The doorbell rings, and Rose smiles slyly at you before she goes to answer it. "Not in troll court."

  
She exits the kitchen in fiavor of answering the door for her guest and it suddenly hits you like a ton of bricks falling onto a sidewalk from a twelve storey building.

  
That could be Kanaya she's inviting inside.

  
That could be Kanaya Maryam, your sister's girlfriend and member of the Midnight Crew. Kanaya Maryam, Karkat's moirail.

  
Kanaya Maryam, who doesn't know your dad's a cop, who _can't_ know your dad's a cop.

  
If she comes in now and sees him like this, she'll know. There's no way she wouldn't. Both of your covers will be blown. Everything you both worked so hard to achieve up to this point will be ruined. You'll have to get your dad out of here. Distract him, take him to a different room, somewhere out of sight until she leaves.

  
You have no idea what to do, you didn't prepare for this scenario. That being said, you are completely ready to wing it.

  
"Roxy, John's here!"

  
Oh, thank Christ.

  
"I'll be right out!" Roxy calls back. You can hear her practically stumble out of the bathroom as she rushes out in her socks. Her hair, a you anticipated, is fucking perfect.

  
Curse you, Lalondes. Curse you and your seemingly perfect hair.

  
"Hey, John. Sup." You greet with a nod.

  
John waves awkwardly to you. "Hi."

  
"Going on a date with my sister?"

  
This is clearly uncomfortable for him. "Yes."

  
"Didn't you do that yesterday?"

  
He nods. "Yes."

  
"Alright, well, you kids have fun, then." You turn back to Rose. "I thought you said this was a double date, it seems more like you're third wheeling than anything else. Why is this fourwheeler currently a tricycle, Rose? What's up with that? Where the fuck is Kanaya so you can all become the Megazord and kick some monster ass? You can't make the giant robot with a missing member. Now the city's gonna be taken over by the things and we're gonna...we're gonna...damn, what did those things even want in that show? Rose, do you know?"

  
"Do I know where Kanaya is, or do I understand the plot of the Power Rangers?"

  
"Both. Either. I don't know. Kanaya, I guess."

  
"She texted me that she would meet us downtown, in the shopping district. It's sort of the halfway point from our house to where she currently is. Apparently she was visiting her moirail."

  
Your sisters both give you a look. You don't even care, you're just glad Kanaya's not coming over while your dad is wearing his super lame police tape pajamas and drinking out of that cop mug.

  
They'd seemed like a good idea at the time.

  
Or any other time, when you weren't possibly going to entertain dangerous criminals.

  
You just referred to your sister's girlfriend as a dangerous criminal.

  
"Well, we shouldn't keep Kanaya waiting." Rose concludes. "Shall we?"

  
Roxy nods emphatically. "Let's hit it!"

  
"Bye, Dave!"

  
"See ya, John."

  
The door slams behind the three of them, leaving you alone in the kitchen with your father.

  
Your father is staring into the cup of coffee you gave him with a blank expression on his face. He has yet to drink any of it.

  
"I might just go back to bed." He sighs, putting the cup down on the counter.

  
"What? Why?"

  
"I have a long night at the office tonight, I'm not even sure I'll be home tomorrow morning. Would you mind telling your brother and sisters that? I don't know if I'll have time to." He yawns and shuffles back to his room before you even have a chance to respond.

  
Obviously you would have said yes, but you wanted to make at least a small deal about it. Or maybe have him stay and chat for a little bit longer. No such luck.

  
You are now alone in the kitchen with two cups of coffee, steam beginning to cease as the passage of time decides to be a total bitch and cool it for you before you even have a chance to drink it.

  
You drink the lukewarm coffee and decide to go back to your own room, since you are completely out of other ideas. Maybe Dirk's awake and you can bug him for awhile until you find something better to do.

  
...and Dirk's getting dressed.

  
You both make surprised noises at the other's unexpected appearance.

  
"Why didn't you knock?" Dirk demands, throwing a smuppet at your head.

  
You dodge it easily. You hate those things and their stupidly plush rumps. "It's my room, I didn't think I would have to!"

  
"We share this room! We've always shared this room, you know that! You should always fucking knock. I knock whenever I come in."

  
"Yeah, but that's because you and Rose do that whole polite thing, Roxy and I are more forward, we're bargers. It's just what we do." You step into the room and close the door behind you, careful not to avert your eyes from Dirk. "Where do you even _get_ boxers with orange soda bottles and robot horses on them?"

  
Dirk looks down and realizes that he still remains bottomless and is quick to pull on the pants he'd planned on wearing. "They were custom made."

  
"Dude."

  
"What?"

  
"Australian extra-strength hair gel? Custom made boxers? Dude, are we even related? How the fuck can you afford all this fancy shit?"

  
"Because I actually have a job, unlike some people in this house."

  
"First of all, we live in an apartment building shaped like a can, not a house. Secondly, your job doesn't pay nearly well enough for any of that shit you like using. Which brings me to three, what kind of drugs are you selling, and can I have some?"

  
Dirk loops a belt around his waist and cinches it closed so he's only shirtless now. That's far less uncomfortable, you think.

  
"I may have taken up some work on the side that I'm not one hundred percent sure is completely legal. Based on the money, I would say it's not.

"  
You feign surprise. "Dirk Strider, I am shocked. To think we had a criminal in our midst this whole time? Who raised you? Wolves? Was it wolves, Dirk? What kind of morally corrupt wolves were they? They have a lot of explaining to do, giving all the other upstanding, righteous citizens that happen to be members of the genus canis lupus a bad name."

  
"Okay, okay, settle down, bro. Whatever illegal thing it is that I'm doing, it doesn't really seem to be hurting anyone, so I'm going to keep at it as long as the money's good."

  
"You don't think I'll tell dad about your illegal escapades before then?"

  
"Not as long as I have information about you sneaking out at night to meet your boyfriend."

  
"Okay, so this is a stalemate."

  
"A Mexican stand-off."

  
"Deadlock."

  
"Impasse."

  
"A draw."

  
"Okay, it's a fucking tie. I don't have time to continue this whole synonym exchange, I have to get to work. You know, like I was telling you about?"

  
"Alright. Continue after work?"

  
"Nah. I gotta go hang with Jake and Jane after."

  
"Can I come?"

  
"Dude, I hang out with my friends to get _away_ from family. I'll see you later tonight."

  
Dirk passes by you and heads to the door. You follow him and watch him put on his shoes.

  
"Okay. Since you brought it up, I might need you to cover me tonight with Karkat."

  
Dirk tilts his head at you. "Are you two still doing that? The whole sneaking out thing? What's the point, everyone knows you're going out now."

  
You shrug. "Karkat likes the whole meeting in secret in the dead of night thing. He thinks it's romantic."

  
"It's stupid and dangerous is what it is."

  
"Stupid and dangerous is his middle name. Names. He's one of those people with the two middle names. Karkat Stupid Dangerous Vantas."

  
"That's a mouthful."

  
"Yeah, so's he."

  
You can't believe you just said that. You're so glad Karkat's not here. So, so glad.

  
You're so glad Dirk's leaving so you don't have to see him making that face at you. Like he's not sure if he's supposed to express his secondhand embarrassment or just laugh and embarrass you further.

  
The conflict is still present when he opens the door. "I'm just gonna go."

  
"Say hey to Equius for me."

  
"Horse puns. Got it."

  
The door slams, and you're essentially alone.

  
Well, your dad's here. But he's asleep, so he doesn't count. Who the fuck is left, then?

  
Terezi?

  
Terezi.

  
You decide to leave your apartment for some quality time with your best troll friend.

  
"Yo, Terezi!" You pound on her door. "You up and at 'em? Wanna hang? Metaphorically, because I'm still not cool with you actually hanging me during court roleplay."

  
The door creaks open and there's Terezi in her scalemate boxers and her standard sign and bloodcolor shirt. She looks like she just woke up. Her glasses are askew.

  
She grins, sharp teeth almost splitting her face in half. "Hey, Dave!"

  
"So, you wanna...like, chill or whatever?" You shrug. "We could draw all over the walls in chalk and you can lick our doodles clean after."

  
"I'd do that anyway."

  
"Well, yeah, but this time I won't say you're being gross and try to stop you or something."

  
Terezi's smile widens as she laughs. "Normally I would, but today-"

  
"AC saunters into the room and pounces on an unsuspecting GC!"

  
There's a grey and green blur that pulls Terezi out of your line of sight. You recognized that voice.

  
"GC wrenches the clingy feline off of her so she can continue her discussion with her neighbor."

  
"AC wrinkles her nose in purrplexion. I thought we were alone?" There is a pause before she quickly adds, "She says."

  
"GC nods, smoke pouring out of her mighty nostrils. We are, she says, and we will be again, once I make roast out of this intruder."

  
"I would like to stay whole and unharmed in this roleplay, thanks." You call into the apartment. Terezi is still out of frame.

  
"Is that Dave?" Nepeta asks, poking her head out the door. She's kneeling on the ground, you have to look down to see her. "She asks incredulously."

  
You wave at her. "Hi, Nepeta."

  
She blinks at you, waiting for you to play along.

  
"...he greets nonchalantly like the coolkid he is."

  
Nepeta smiles excitedly up at you while Terezi pushes her way past the other girl, pointy chin resting on the door.

  
"GC bids her friend a fond farewell with a wave of her talons and closes the door in his face so she can spend some more time with her new matesprit."

  
Nepeta goes completely olive in the face as Terezi licks her cheek just as the door slams in your face.

  
You stare at the door for a minute and lean your head against it.

  
"Dave stands outside the door feeling left out, but then decides to go back home and sulk by himself while imagining what sort of obscene things the two matesprits plan on experimenting with in this particular roleplay." You shout, making sure it's heard through the door.

  
Something slams against the door. You think it was probably a fist of some kind.

  
"He wiggles his eyebrows and moonwalks back to his own apartment across the hall while simultaneously extending an invitation towards the duo if they ever want to hang today."

  
You go back inside and slump against the door. What the fuck was up with this shit? Rose and Kanaya were on a double date with Roxy and John, Dirk had plans with his boyfriend Jake (and Jane was going to be there, too) and Terezi was currently shacking up with Nepeta across the hall.

  
Well, you know what? Two could play that game.

  
Or...nine, you guess.

  
Nine people could play that game.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: hey babe whats up you awake wanna hang im so bored and alone right now  
CG: IF YOU EVER CALL ME BABE AGAIN I WILL FIND YOU AND POUR SCALDING HOT BATTERY ACID DOWN YOUR BACK WHILE SHOVING DIRTY SOCKS DOWN YOUR THROAT UNTIL YOU GAG ON MOLDY, YELLOW COTTON AND THE STENCH OF YOUR OWN STALE SWEAT.  
TG: okay so you wanna hang or not like stated earlier i am bored so bored and there is literally no one except maybe jade i didnt talk to her yet  
CG: JADE IS BUSY WITH SOME SCIENCE SHIT I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO GET AN EXPLANATION FOR PAST "DON'T FUCKING BUG ME RIGHT NOW, KARKAT, I'M BUSY."  
TG: thats unfortunate that means youre the only person not doing anything as far as i know fuck what happened to all of my options  
CG: THEY GAINED SOME COMMON SENSE AND REALIZED THAT HANGING OUT WITH YOU KILLS ABOUT AS MANY CELLS IN THEIR PANS AS RUBBING PESTICIDES INTO THEIR SKIN, BUT IN A WAY THAT IS FAR LESS FUN AND PLEASANT THAN LITERALLY DOING THAT.  
CG: JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M ONLY GETTING STARTED HERE. I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD MY MORNING COFFEE YET. ARE YOU REALLY SURE YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME RIGHT NOW? ESPECIALLY SINCE WE'RE GOING TO BE SPENDING SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER ALREADY?  
TG: oh believe me karkat the thought of hanging out with you right now makes me shiver with antici  
TG: ...  
TG: ...  
TG: ...  
TG: ...  
CG: HOLY SHIT, FINISH YOUR SENTENCE, YOU GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT IGNORANT WAD.  
TG: pation  
TG: and by anticipation i mean disgust obviously but like i said im bored and theres no one to hang out with and its saturday so do you want to chill together or not  
CG: NO, NO I REALLY DON'T. I ALREADY HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH YOU TODAY, WHY WOULD I WANT TO SPEND ANY MORE OF MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS FREE TIME WITH YOU? TO MAKE THIS KNOT ON MY SHOULDER CAUSED BY YOUR MERE EXISTENCE BIGGER JUST BY BEING NEAR YOU? TO INCREASE MY RISK TOWARDS A BRAIN ANEURYSM? SO I CAN SEE HOW LONG I CAN STAND BEING NEAR YOU BEFORE I KILL MYSELF?  
TG: no for coffee and some fun discussions about stuff we never get to talk about stuff karkat not ever its always hey come over to my house or help me do this illegal thing or theres a fuck ton of other people present and i barely get to actually have some one on one time with my fake boyfriend which is totally not fair man  
TG: karkat i dont even know how you feel about kazoos  
CG: DAVE, I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. NOT LIKE THAT'S NEW OR ANYTHING, I NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BUT IN THIS CASE IT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE THAN NORMAL, AND THAT'S A BIT WORRYING. I MEAN, USUALLY YOU SEEM PRETTY AWARE THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING MAKES ZERO SENSE AND IS AWFUL TO HEAR/ READ EVEN GIVEN ANY SORT OF CONTEXT. IN THIS CASE, I FEEL COMPLETELY, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CONFIDENT IN SAYING THIS.  
CG: DAVE, YOU'RE A STUPID ASSHOLE WITH BULGE FOR A THINKPAN. WE TALK ALL THE FUCKING TIME. HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T EVEN GO ONE GOD DAMN DAY WITHOUT YOU TRYING TO CHAT ME UP IN THE MORNING AND TAKING UP ALL MY EXTRA HOMEWORK TIME OR PESTERING ME AFTER SCHOOL ABOUT SOME INANE THING YOU THINK I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT.  
CG: SERIOUSLY, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DURING ALL THIS SHIT?  
TG: i dunno you never seem like you want to talk to me during any of those so i didnt really count them as proof of our ever growing friendship you know because literally half of those conversations are always like what the fuck do you want dave or shut the fuck up or stop talking to me im busy you see that right im doing something  
TG: forgive me for not taking that as friendly banter  
CG: THAT'S ABOUT AS FRIENDLY AS BANTER GETS WITH ME, I THOUGHT EVEN YOU COULD HAVE SCRAPED ENOUGH CELLS TOGETHER TO FIGURE THAT OUT BY NOW. I'M AN ANGRY, EASILY IRRITABLE TROLL, DAVE. I PREFER TO EXPRESS THAT FREELY WHENEVER POSSIBLE.  
CG: BELIEVE ME, DAVE, I WOULDN'T TALK TO YOU IF I DIDN'T WANT TO. TURNS OUT I'M A HUGE FUCKING MASOCHIST.  
TG: thats fine im not here to kink shame  
CG: THIS WAS A SERIOUS DISCUSSION, YOU INFELICITOUS SHIT SNORTING SHAME GLOBE SUCKER. FUCK YOU, DAVE.  
TG: i was just saying we could get coffee or something but that is also a viable option if youre into it  
TG: weve been fake dating for like what a little over a week now may as well fake have sex too or have real sex if youre into it wink wonk  
CG: YOU KNOW, I WAS ACTUALLY CONSIDERING HANGING OUT WITH YOU TODAY, AGAINST ALL OF MY BETTER AND FAR MORE REASONABLE JUDGEMENT, BUT THOSE LAST FEW SENTENCES MADE MY PAN UP FOR ME.  
CG: I'D RATHER STAY IN AN ISOLATION CHAMBER CHAINED TO A WALL IN A ROOM COMPLETELY VOID OF ANY FORM OF STIMULI WITH ONLY MYSELF AND MY EVER DECREASING SANITY TO KEEP ME ENTERTAINED THAN SPEND EVEN A MINUTE OUT ALONE WITH YOU.  
TG: okay but what if this  
TG: i buy the coffee  
CG: SHIT, FREE THINGS! MY ONLY WEAKNESS! CURSE YOU AND YOUR STUPIDLY FESTERING FRECKLE CARCASS, DAVE, YOU COMPLETELY CONVINCED ME WITH THAT. HOW DARE YOU GIVE ME NO OTHER OPTIONS THAN TO AGREE TO THIS!?  
CG: DID YOU WANT TO GO TO THAT ONE WE WENT TO WITH KANAYA? OR THERE'S THAT NEW ONE ACROSS TOWN THAT JUST OPENED UP. HAVE YOU BEEN THERE YET? I HAVEN'T HEARD MUCH ABOUT IT, SO I'M GUESSING IT'S TOTAL SHIT.  
TG: okay yeah lets go there try something new drink some shit while we shoot the shit make a shitty day out of it sounds like a plan  
TG: see you in like what five minutes or so  
TG: should i swing by and pick you up  
CG: I CAN FUCKING WALK, DAVE. IT'S NOT THAT FAR FROM MY HIVE, AND I DO HAVE TWO WORKING FRONDS THAT WON'T QUIT.  
TG: did you just imply that your legs are hot  
CG: DAMN RIGHT, I DID. I'M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT THAT I THINK I HAVE NICE LEGS. DON'T PRETEND YOU DON'T AGREE, I SAW YOU EYEING ME AT EGBERT'S SLEEPOVER AWHILE AGO. YOUR GLASSES WORK FOR SHIT, DAVE, NO WONDER YOUR SISTER THOUGHT WE WERE A THING.  
TG: okay fuck you alright i just had never seen a guy in shorts that short before seriously they barely covered anything that was basically underwear boxers are longer than that usually and plus your pajamas were like fucking neon green with your skin tone i would be lucky if i couldnt see you from space  
TG: that being said theyre okay i guess i mean they do seem to get the job done you know like walking around and kicking ass and shit  
TG: i will also say this those legs are i think the reason we probably started fake dating  
TG: one look at those gray twigs and i was like swoon i would fake date the shit out of that pretend take me now  
CG: I KNEW IT.  
CG: ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA GET READY, SEE YOU LATER?  
TG: yeah dude like i said in about five minutes or whatever  
TG: ill be the one with the red kazoo  
TG: karkat you never told me how you feel about kazoos  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT *KAZOOS*?  
TG: yes karkat its important it could make or break our relationship i need to know please its for the greater good just let me down gently  
CG: WELL, IF I HAD TO PUT IT GENTLY BECAUSE SOME DIPSHIT WAS TOO MUCH OF A BABY TO ACCEPT MY EMOTIONS ABOUT SOMETHING AS IDIOTIC AS A KAZOO WITHOUT BURSTING INTO TEARS AND SHITTING HIMSELF, I WOULD PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF...  
CG: ...  
CG: ...  
TG: i see what youre doing there and i hate you for it  
CG: WAIT, I'M NOT DONE.  
CG: ...  
CG: ...  
CG: OKAY, THERE. WAY TO RUIN YET ANOTHER THING, DAVE. JUST LIKE YOU RUINED MY FAVORITE BOOK AND ALSO MY LIFE IN GENERAL.  
TG: anytime  
CG: AS I WAS SAYING, IF I HAD TO PUT MY FEELINGS ABOUT KAZOOS DELICATELY, I'D PROBABLY SAY THAT I HATE KAZOOS ABOUT AS MUCH AS I HATE YOU.  
TG: so with a loud angry defiance but secretly you dont really mind them much at all  
CG: THAT'S ONE WAY TO PUT IT, YEAH. (:B  
TG: that is the cutest emoticon ive ever seen i didnt even know you knew how to do that what the hell  
TG: you learn something new every day i guess  
CG: PREPARE YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER LESSON CALLED ENDING A FUCKING PESTERLOG AND GETTING ON WITH YOUR LIFE.  
TG: alright see you in five  
CG: YEAH, WHATEVER, BYE ALREADY.

turntechodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a sucker for dialogue. Not sure if I made that clear.


	20. Chapter 20

It's not until you close out of pesterchum that you remember that Dirk took the car when he went to work, leaving you rideless. You are suddenly so glad Karkat didn't take you up on that ride you offered.

  
You can hear your dad snoring from the other room, and it occurs to you that he has a car that you could probably borrow if you asked real nice or were careful about returning it before he noticed it was gone.

  
You ultimately decide against taking the car, because you're not really sure when your dad's shift at work is supposed to start (depending on where he meant by "work", it might be midnight) and you also have no idea how long you'll be out to begin with. You know what? You'll walk. If it was close to Karkat's house, then it wouldn't be a problem at all. His house wasn't very far, so for reason's sake the new coffee place shouldn't be too far for you, either.

  
The only thing that gave you pause was how cold it was today. Forecast called for possible snow, which was stupid and you hated with a passion that heated your blood but literally nothing else.

  
Maybe saying you would be there in five was a bit of an overestimation. The actual time was probably closer to fifteen to twenty minutes, give or take the amount of time spent looking for your kazoo and debating whether or not to inform Karkat of your delay.

  
You spend four minutes looking for your kazoo and ultimately decide against telling Karkat that you would be slightly later than expected. It wouldn't really matter, you think. You doubted he would get there on time, either.

  
You leave your dad a note in case he gets up before you're back and wonders where you are. You say you're going out with friends, but don't specify which ones. With John occupied with your sisters, you're certain he'll conclude it's Jade. You don't really have other close friends.

  
Then you're out in the cold, and you regret not owning a heavier jacket. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Every year this happens and you still never bother to get a jacket that's actually warm enough to combat the freezing temperatures.

  
Technically, it's forty-five degrees out right now, so you're not going to die of hypothermia any time soon. Your point still stands, though.

  
You shove both hands into the big pockets of your sweatshirt, one hand wrapped tightly around your kazoo to make sure it's still there, and shuffle faster towards promised warmth and coffee.

  
It takes you about fifteen minutes to make it to the place- which you think is pretty impressive, considering you only had a vague recollection of where the place was to go off of as directions, good job, you-and continue to congratulate yourself for making excellent timing until you actually bother to look inside.

  
The building is small and sort of rundown, which is weird and you think probably done on purpose, since it literally just opened not that long ago. It's kind of stupid, you think. Why go to all this trouble just to make a place look like it's been around awhile? Seriously, even the fucking paint is faded purple and peeling in places.

  
You shake your head and peer in through the big window in the front to see if the same worn out effect has been applied to the interior.

  
That's when you see him, sitting alone near the back. His head's down, so you get a perfect view of his dark hair and barely visible horns while his fingers worried at his too-long sleeves. You wonder how long he's been sitting there for.

  
Probably not long, you think.

  
You hope.

  
God dammit, he looks so lonely over there by himself, and the fact that the cafe is mostly empty and he's in the back, further away from what few patrons were present just enhanced the effect. You kind of felt bad for not telling him you were going to be later than you thought.

  
That's stupid, though. If it were anyone else waiting for you in there, you don't think you'd be this concerned about it. Yeah, you'd feel maybe a little guilty, but nowhere near this bad. How you felt right now just sucked.

  
Maybe it was because no ne else would look as pathetic as Karkat did waiting for you. Yeah, that was probably it. He was running a hand through his hair and messing it up even further, eyes trained on the empty chair across from him. There's a big mug sitting in front of it, and for a second you think it's his until you see him wrap his hands around one closer to him.

  
He ordered for you while he waited, you guess.

  
Great, now you feel worse.

  
You felt awful and it was all stupid Karkat's fault. Better get in there and disspel all this guilt so you can go back to being awesome.

  
You take out your kazoo and put it in your mouth in preparation for your entrance theme music. Since you were late, you feel it's only fair that you make a scene about finally showing up.

  
You kick the door open, automatically drawing all eyes on you. Yours are only on Karkat, who can't seem to decide if he should be relieved or disgusted by your presence. It settles on something you deem pleasant abhorrence as you take your first breath and start to play, drawing even more attention to yourself as you make your way over to Karkat to the sweet, sweet melody of the Indiana Jones theme song.

_Zoot zoo-zoo-zoot,  
_

_zoot zoo-zoo  
_

_zoot zoo-zoo-zoot,  
_

_zoot, zoo-zoo-zoo-zoot,  
_

_zoot zoo-zoo-zoot_

_zoot zoo-zoot_

  
You misjudged the distance between the door and your chair, but it all works out fine because it means you get to do your big finish right as you sit down. It'll be fucking awesome.

  
You catch the chair with your foot and flop into it as casually as possible while trying to keep a straight face. This would be impossible if you can't keep yourself from laughing at the face Karkat's making at you right now. It's not pleasant abhorrence anymore, now it's complete and pure loathing towards you and your instrument of choice.

Zoot zoo-zoot zoo-zoo-zoo

 

zoot zoo-zoot-zoo-zoot-zoot!

  
You end it with jazz hands as Karkat scowls at you ferociously. The few other people present are all looking your way, and Karkat covers his face with one of his hands so he doesn't have to look at them.

  
You take the opportunity as you stow your kazoo back in your pocket to lift your shades and wink at him. He was already turning red from either rage or embarrassment, and that only led to his skin darkening further. You're pretty sure you can hear a faint growl emanating from deep in his throat.

  
"What. The fuck. Was that?" His tone was clipped. He clearly wasn't amused with you and your antics right now.

  
"It was Indiana Jones, Karkat, I thought that was clear. Was it not? Fuck, I worked so hard on that one, too."

  
"No, I understood that, that much was clear as fucking crystal." He's leaning down closer to the table now, running a hand through his hair. "What isn't clear is what took you so long, you engorged ass blood pimple."

  
"Time is just a concept, Karkat. Maybe it flows differently for the both of us, and I'm actually on time and you're throwing a fit for no reason, as usual."

  
He opens is mouth to say something, probably a loud insult on you as a person that will draw even more attention to himself that he clearly doesn't want.

  
You interrupt him before he even has a chance to say anything. "But no, I am late. Sorry. I forgot my bro took the car for work and thought I could probably get here before...well, before it became an issue, I guess. Clearly I forgot who I was dealing with."

  
He crosses his arms and glares at you. It's practically a pout. "Damn right, you did. You really think I wouldn't notice you were fifteen minutes late, dumbass? You could have pestered me or something, or at least not been an incorrigible nook blaster. I thought you were standing me up."

  
"Well, you thought wrong. I wouldn't stand you up like that. I mean, this was my idea, how stupid would that be for me to do? Plus, if I were going to do that, I would have broken up with you over text or something like a good fake boyfriend would do. Is this cup mine? What did you order me? Something good, I hope."

  
Karkat snorts. "Nothing here's good."

  
"Okay, something not vomit inducing, then."

  
"It's pumpkin spice, all it _is_ is vomit inducing."

  
"That's one troll's opinion."

  
"And that opinion is undisputed fucking fact, I dare you to fight me on this, tasteless cad."

  
"Maybe in a bit. I'm gonna drink this and then I'll put up my dukes and we'll tussle." You pick up the mug. "Is this cold?"

  
"Like I said, you were late. Fifteen minutes is a long time in coffee temperature, Dave." Karkat tsks, shaking his head. You notice his cup is actually steaming.

  
"How the fuck is yours still hot?"

  
"I ordered it after yours. Ten minutes later." He shrugs.

  
"Why didn't you just order them at the same time?"

  
"You were going to order pumpkin spice, right?"

  
"I dunno, probably. What all on the menu?" You turn to try to get a good look at the board behind the counter, but you can't really see from here.

  
"A lot of complicated sounding overly sugared coffee drinks that might be hard to pronounce for you, given the sad amount of cells at your disposal utilized for speech."

  
"Then yeah, I probably would have ordered pumpkin spice. We only have so much longer with this flavoring left before it leaves again, Karkat. Limited time only, dude, get it while it's hot."

  
"Thank fuck, I only have to suffer for a limited time!" He sighs loudly. "And I hate to tell you this, but that's not hot. It's lukewarm, at best. Like your face."

  
You tilt your head, eyebrows furrowed. "My face is lukewarm? I don't get it. Are you saying that my fiery hot exterior and my chill as ice personality are fighting for dominance on my face and have come to a warmish standstill? Because if so, thanks, man."

  
Karkat rolls his eyes. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."

  
"I'm not sure if I do." You swirl the beverage around in the mug and watch it slosh against the sides. "You think they would nuke this bitch for me if I asked nicely?"

  
"If you asked nicely? They'll probably throw it in your face."

  
"What if I demanded it not nicely?"

  
"They'll pour it on your crotch."

  
"Good thing it's tepid and won't damage my moneymakers if they do throw it on me."

  
"Which one is your moneymaker? Your face or your bulge?"

  
"Both, obviously."

  
"You poor ugly mouth blister." Karkat sighs sympathetically. "You must really be losing money if that's what you have going for you."

  
"You'd be surprised, people would pay good money for this." You pat your cheek.

  
"To not look at it? Because I will pay you literally all the money in my pocket if you put a paper bag over that messy snow colored flesh you call a face."

  
"How much you got on you?"

  
Karkat digs around in his pocket and scrounges up some bills. "Thirty-five dollars."

  
"That's too bad, my going rate is forty dollars." You shrug. "Sorry, dude. Anyway, cheers?"

  
You hold up your mug and wait for him to do the same. He just glares at you like you're an idiot and he regrets ever coming here to hang out with you.

  
"I'm not drinking this until you clink your cup against mine."

  
He continues to glare.

  
"Come on, bro, don't leave me hanging."

  
Glare.

  
"Okay, fuck, I'll do it myself." You grasp him by the wrist and pull his mug forward so it clinks against yours. "There. Was that so hard?"

  
"I could have done it myself." He huffs, taking his mug back.

  
"Yeah, but you wouldn't have."

  
"Just drink your coffee, dumbshit."

  
You both drink, only to almost spit it back out again.

  
"Oh my god, what the fuck?" You gag. It's terrible. The acrid flavor is barely masked by the milk and the spice blend and whatever the fuck else is in it. Like arsenic.

  
"I warned you about it being bad, didn't I?" Karkat replies after swallowing. He grimaces. "Did I not fucking say it would be total shit?"

  
"I just thought that was your opinion! But as it turns out, your opinion was fact and I think this might actually be shit. Not like, good shit, either. It's the shit you get after drinking a gallon of expired milk and being sick and also you're lactose intolerant."

  
Karkat takes some time out of his making displeased, nearly nauseous faces to question your metaphor. "Why the hell would you drink a gallon of expired milk if you're lactose intolerant?"

  
"I don't know. A dare or something. Who fucking cares? God, this is so bad, it's messing with my mad skills and I can't form coherent metaphors anymore."

  
"That's not the coffee's fault, douchebag."

  
You both look at each other, somehow coming to the conclusion that taking another drink would be a good idea.

  
You do it and are filled with instant regret and extremely poor quality coffee.

  
"Holy fucking damn, this tastes as bitter as you!" You scrub at your tongue with your teeth. Hopefully the removal of several tastebuds will help alleviate the taste.

  
"You have no idea how bitter I am, Dave. I'm definitely not this bitter, though. No one could be this bitter."

  
"Are you kidding? From the way you talk, I'm pretty sure there's no way your mouth doesn't taste this fucking bitter."

  
Karkat lifts an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth turning up. "Have you...thought a lot about what my mouth tastes like?"

  
"Um..." you just realized what you said, and you really hope your face doesn't betray that your brain just caught up with your mouth. "No. Why the hell would I?"

  
You get a dubious look for that. "That's not what I just heard."

  
"Well, you heard wrong. Maybe your ears are just filled with lice or something, I wouldn't be surprised if you had lice. Probably wouldn't even be able to find them in that thicket you call hair. Where the fuck is your scalp in all of this?"

  
Karkat rolls his eyes again. "Sure, if that's what you need to tell yourself to get your foot out of your squawk blister." He leans back in his seat and pushes the mug away from him. It's about a quarter full. He managed to choke down more than you did. "Should we order something else to wash this taste out of our mouths?"

  
Yours currently tastes like bile. "Yes."

  
Karkat nods and stands up to scope out the food situation up front. You watch him trudge away and hope he picks out something not terrible tasting, or that they even serve something not terrible tasting.

  
He comes back with two pieces of cake. They look promising, but then again, the coffee didn't look evil and yet there it was, being insidious and terrible and ruining your morning.

  
Karkat drops one of the plates in front of you, and you poke at it with your fork curiously.

  
Yep, seems harmless.

  
Karkat didn't even bother trying to determine it was safe before digging in. You decide to follow his lead, even though you're not sure how much of a good idea that is.

  
You take your first bite warily and...

  
huh.

  
That was...surprisingly good. No, not just good, it's...

  
"I think this might be the best cake I've ever eaten." You admit. "And I'm including Jane's in this."

  
Karkat nods. "I never thought I'd eat anything better than that, but I have to agree with you on this one. Fuck, I never want to eat anything else ever again."

  
"I'm with you there, dude. I want a motherfucking lifetime supply of this cake. Not my lifetime, like, as long as there's life on earth time. Until all life ceases to exist and time becomes an irrelevant concept. That's how much of this cake I want."

  
"Holy shit, yes. That's the best plan I've ever heard."

  
"I'm glad to hear you boys like the cake." Laughs an all too familiar voice from behind you. You turn around to face her.

  
"Jane! I was just talking about hanging out with you. What brings you over here?"

  
Jane Crocker, curvaceous, bodacious baker babe/ family friend readjusts her glasses on her face and reaches forward for both of your cups. You both give them to her without thinking about it.

  
"Do you work here now, Jane?" Karkat asks politely. It always weirds you out when he does that.

  
Jane smiles, and it's only then that you notice she's wearing an apron. "Yeah, I just got hired. I figured since I spend most of my free time baking anyway, I thought, shucks buster, I may as well be paid for it."

  
You nod. "That makes sense. So you baked this?"

  
"Yes."

  
"You've really outdone yourself."

  
"Yeah, it's fucking delicious. Well done, Jane, best work yet."

  
She's practically beaming. "Thanks, boys. I always appreciate commentary on my baking skills! Although that does seem to be what you always say."

  
"That's because it's always true. You haven't steered my tastebuds wrong yet, Jane. Now if only you could do something about the coffee situation."

  
Jane shrugs and continues on apologetically. "Golly, I would if I could, but I really know next to nothing about coffee. That always seemed more like a Strilondian thing to me. Can I get you more cake? This one'll be on the house."

  
You don't even bother consulting Karkat on this. "You drive a hard bargain, Jane. We'll take it."

  
"Alright. I'll be back in two shakes." She waves to the both of you as she heads back to the kitchen with your dishes.

  
You watch her until she's out of sight. "Damn, Jane's hot." You sigh. "Maybe I'll ask her out after I break up with you."

  
"Why not just do it now?" Karkat suggests.

  
"Because she's best friends with Dirk and Roxy, there's no way she doesn't think we're a thing. Fuck, she probably thinks this is a date."

  
"That's good for our cover story, though, isn't it?" Karkat asks, resting his chin on his hands. "Having someone else other than Kanaya corroborate this stupid clusterfuck is a good thing."

  
"Well, yeah, but this wasn't supposed to be a fucking cover date! This was just supposed to be us chilling as platonic, non-quadrant bros."

  
"We can do that later on." Karkat replies, waving away your dissatisfaction. "It's not like we'll even have time for keeping up appearances when I'm showing you how to mix every concoction imaginable under the fucking green sun."

  
"The fuck is the green sun?"

  
"It's a sun. It's green."

  
"That much I figured out, I meant other than that."

  
Karkat's looking at you with that nearly blank look that tells you bluntly that you're an idiot. "The sun that Prospit and Derse revolved around. Seriously, are you sure we go to the same school? We cover this shit every year in galactic history. How do you not know this?"

  
You shrug. "I'm not a history buff, I guess."

  
"You're not buff in any sense of the word."

  
"Ouch. See, now that is an unprecedented attack on me as a person, and I don't appreciate it." It's then that Jane comes back with your cake. "See what I have to deal with, Jane? Do you see this shit? Do you see?"

  
"Yes," Jane laughs, "and I wish I could stay and see more, but I have work to do."

  
"Yeah, I got you. We won't keep you much longer. See you around."

  
"Bye!"

  
Then she's gone.

  
"You know, if you don't ask her out when all of this is over and done with, then I will." Karkat says as he digs into his new piece of cake.

  
You almost do a spit take. You probably would have if you'd been eating anything else. "What? No, you can't do that, I called dibs!"

  
"You can't call dibs on a person, Dave."

  
"Says the guy who doesn't have dibs."

  
"It's not like it matters if either of us asked her out anyway," Karkat continues, "she's way out of both of our leagues."

  
You tilt your head questioningly. "The hell's that supposed to mean?"

  
"Like you said, Jane's attractive. She's also nice, caring, a good friend, an excellent patissier-"

  
"Bless you."

  
You get a glare for that one. "She's just an all around great person. I lucked out with Kanaya, because somehow she found my loud, incessant yelling, short fuse, and emotional instability charming, but I'm not willing to bet I could get the same reaction out of Jane, especially if I were to try to persuade her to try redrom with me. As for you, your family didn't find the thought of us dating all that far fetched, so clearly you have very low standards as well as shitty taste."

  
You're not really sure how to respond to that. You try to respond, anyway. "You know, it's talk like that that keeps people from asking perfectly nice, attractive girls out on dates, leading the girl to be single all throughout highschool and causing her to think that she's just not attractive or interesting enough to get with somebody, when in fact it's the opposite. Is that what you want, Karkat? Do you want Jane to be single forever?"

  
"No, of course not! Jane's my friend, and I just want her to be happy with whoever she ends up with. I was just telling you not to get your hopes up, because it's definitely not going to be you."

  
"Harsher words were never spoken." You say, shaking your head. "I mean, I agree that I don't think Jane and I would work out, but couldn't you sugar coat it? Just a little? Lay a fine layer of sucrose on that bitter pill?"

  
"I think you're old enough to take your medicine without the spoonful of sugar."

  
You open your mouth for a rebuttal, but somehow end up having to suppress a yawn. You've had a literal shit ton of coffee today, how are you still tired? "I don't know if I can keep myself awake without the added sugar buzz tonight, Karkat. I'm really not sure if I'll just pass out standing up in the middle of the casino, snoring like a fucking lumberjack sawing logs with a hacksaw or not."

  
"Oh, please, if you're really that worried about it, just take a nap or something. That's hours from now, you have plenty of time!"

  
"Yeah, I guess. Okay, honestly? My real concern is walking home. My family's all wondering now about why we're still being secretive about our relationship if we're pretty much out as a couple."

  
"So what you're saying is, your plan backfired?" Karkat asks smugly.

  
"No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is we need to come up with a new tactic. For right now, at least."

  
"Really? You don't think a cover date is enough to convince then that we're an actual couple? What the fuck more do they want? Sloppy makeouts during the lunchbreak at school or some shit like that?"

  
"I don't know, but we'll put that one on the backburner for future consideration. I was thinking more along the lines of, hey, instead of sending me on my merry way at fucking three in the morning and having me do the walk of shame when the only thing shameful that happened was the lack of things to be ashamed about, why don't I just stay over?"

  
Karkat's eyebrows pull together as he gathers up both of your empty dishes and stacks them on top of each other. "Stay over? You mean you want to spend the night at my place?"

  
"Yes. See, I only didn't suggest it before because it would have seemed suspicious, since we weren't a thing yet. Now sending me home at the wee morning hours might seem more suspicious, especially since everyone knows I'm with you. It's just going to lead to more questioning in the long run, Karkat. I think it would be better if you just let me hunker down on your couch for the night until the day hits an hour when people are supposed to be fucking awake."

  
Karkat nods as he stands up, and you do the same. "I see where you're coming from with this, and I'm not entirely opposed to the idea. Just don't expect Egbertian levels of accommodation if this does happen. I'll have to check with my mom first, though. I already had plans for Kanaya to sleep over, and I'm not sure if she'll be alright having two people over."

  
"That sounds fair." You move towards the door and open it like the gentleman you are to let Karkat out first, but all you accomplish is looking like a jackass. "Dude,the door's over here."

  
Karkat's over at the counter, talking to an employee when he turns to face you. "I know, I'm just making one last minute purchase. Hold your fucking hoofbeasts steady."

  
"Can you use any human saying without messing it up slightly? It's just hold your horses. The steady is pretty much implied. What the hell are you buying? Another coffee? Why, Karkat, why would you do that to yourself?"

  
He's digging the money out of his pocket. "Relax, Dave, I'm not buying another coffee."

  
The employee hands him something in a paperbag, which Karkat accepts. "I'm buying the beans."

  
You've just been standing here with the door open, letting in the cold. You regret opening it. "Why the fuck would you do that? Seriously, why?"

  
Karkat shrugs as he exits through the door you left graciously open for him and doesn't even thank you for the gesture. "It's for guests. I figure it I make them this, then they're definitely going to leave my hive faster. Who wouldn't, after being offered satan's acid reflux as a beverage?"

  
"So by Egbertian levels of accommodation, you meant coffee that wasn't brewed in the radioactive sewers of Chernobyl?"

  
"Exactly. Maybe you're not as much of a fucking idiot shit sponge as your face betrays you to be."

  
"Well, joke's on you, because I'll probably just sit there and complain about it. You'll never be rid of me. I'll drink that shit out of spite, Karkat, just watch me."

  
You watch Karkat lose an internal struggle with himself over smiling and revel victoriously when he does. "That's all assuming my mom's okay with it."

  
"I can't think of a single reason why she wouldn't be. I've never met the lady, so there's no way I could have already made a bad impression."

  
"Oh, I can think of a reason."

  
It takes you a minute to register just what he means by that. "Fuck, about that fight? But that was forever ago! Plus, it was a draw! She has to give me props for that."

  
"She doesn't have to give you props for anything, Dave. She was more concerned about my fucking well being than how the fight fared. You're right, that was awhile ago, though, so there's still a chance I can convince her to let you stay the night. There's no guarantees at this point."

  
You shrug and hunch forward a bit as a cold wind hits you from behind. "That's fine. Pester me when you know for sure. It's fucking freezing out, I think I'm gonna head on back home. See you later?"

  
You don't know why it's a question, you definitely know you'll see him later. You definitely know you'll see him later fucking today. For some reason, you want the confirmation, anyway.

  
Karkat nods. "Yeah, later. Midnight, remember?"

  
"How the fuck could I forget?"

  
"It honestly wouldn't surprise me if you did."

  
You already said your goodbyes, but you're both still standing immobile in front of the little cafe. You don't know what else you're expecting out of this.

  
You hold out your fist, and Karkat just looks at it before registering what you want him to do. With a heavy sigh as if he totally doesn't relish the thought of his fist bumping with yours in the universal sign of broship, he holds out his own fist and waits for you to make a move. You tap your knuckles against his and make a fake explosion noise as you pull back.

  
He fights himself again over your ridiculous antics, but loses again and snorts.

  
"Alright, bye, loser." He waves you away, and you're pretty sure he's still smiling when he turns around and starts back home.

  
You wave at his retreating form, fully aware that he can't see you from behind, before you go home yourself.

  
When you get home, you decide maybe a nap's not the worst idea in the world. You have a busy night ahead of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted a chapter with Jane in it.  
> Also, I tried to center the kazoo bit, but that managed to throw the rest of the chapter after it into some weird format funk? I dunno.  
> Anyway, I hope this chapter turned out nicely. I'll be working on the next chapter and hopefully it won't take very long, though it might take longer than this one because spoiler alert: more pesterlogs are planned.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of stuff happens in this chapter, so I hope everything turned out in a way that mostly made sense.  
> Anyways, here's this chapter.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GA: Here Is The Promised Reminder I Said I Would Deliver  
GA: Dave We Are Meeting Shortly At Karkats House Will You Be There Or Be Square  
TG: you put me in quite the predicament there kanaya i mean i was planning on going but then again squares are one of my favorite geometric shapes and how could i ever pass up an opportunity to cosplay as a square ive always wanted to do that kanaya you dont understand this is a dream come true for me  
GA: Is That Your Way Of Saying You Wont Be Joining Us Tonight Because If So Karkat Will Be Very Upset  
TG: no dont get me wrong ill be there despite how hilarious it would be to watch him throw a tantrum about me not being there and then deny it later when he realizes hes complaining about the lack of my presence and how that could be construed in a way hed rather not have it construed  
TG: but like i said i will be there and will refrain from being a square at least for tonight  
TG: why the fuck do people even say that be there or be square why is square used negatively what do people have against squares theyre an awesome shape why are people so shapist kanaya why  
GA: I Believe I Heard Once It Was Because The Party Deemed Square Would Not Be Present At The Event In Question  
GA: In Other Words They Would Not Be Around  
GA: Do You See Where Im Going With This  
TG: yes i do is that really where it comes from because if so that sounds beautiful but probably fake did you fact check this kanaya where are you getting your information from  
GA: I Saw It On The Internet Its Definitely Real  
TG: ha ha alright well ill see you there in real life in a couple minutes mind passing that message on to karkat for me while youre at it  
GA: No Problem See You Soon

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: HEY SHIT CAPTAIN, I KNOW WE HAD THAT DISCUSSION EARLIER ABOUT TIME BEING A RELATIVE CONCEPT AND ALL, BUT I STILL EXPECT YOU TO GET HERE ON FUCKING TIME AND AT LEAST LIVE UP TO THAT TINY, MINISCULE STANDARD THAT I'M HOLDING ONTO IN THE MISPLACED HOPE THAT SOMETHING COULD GO ACCORDING TO PLAN AND ACTUALLY STAY ON COURSE LIKE I WANT IT TO.  
TG: well speak of the devil  
CG: I'M SORRY, DID I NOT MAKE MYSELF CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU, FUCK NOVICE? HERE, LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU.  
CG: W  
CG: H  
CG: E  
CG: R  
TG: okay are you seriously doing this  
CG: E  
CG: T  
CG: H  
CG: E  
CG: F  
TG: wow youre seriously doing this  
CG: U  
CG: C  
CG: K  
CG: A  
CG: R  
CG: E  
CG: Y  
CG: O  
TG: calm the fuck down its 1150 i still have like ten minutes im almost to your house i remember our conversation from before i dont need reminding on that front but believe me i have plenty of time so i dont know what you got your panties shoved up your nook about  
CG: U  
TG: was that really necessary  
CG: WAS IT REALLY NECESSARY FOR YOU TO KEEP ME FROM COMPLETING A SINGLE WORD BEFORE INTERRUPTING?  
TG: thats not true i let you finish the and are  
CG: OH, WELL DISREGARD EVERYTHING I JUST SAID THEN. CLEARLY I DIDN'T SEE THAT GRACIOUS DISPLAY OF COURTESY ON YOUR PART. WHO SAID CHIVALRY WAS DEAD? CERTAINLY NOT DAVE STRIDER. IS IT TOO LATE FOR ME TO EXTEND MY GRATITUDE? YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING TO ANYWAY. AND PLEASE, REMEMBER THAT THIS COMES FROM THE VERY DEPTHS OF MY BLOODPUSHER:  
CG: THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A GALLANT GENTLEMAN, DICK PILOT. THANK YOU.  
TG: hey i didnt hear you saying anything when i actually was acting like a gentleman and holding doors open for you and shit  
CG: YOU OPENED ONE DOOR, FUCKFACE, AFTER MAKING ME WAIT FOR FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES.  
TG: okay but i did pay for the coffee you have to give me that much credit  
CG: OH, WOW, YOU PAID FOR SHITTY COFFEE AND OPENED A DOOR. WHAT IMPOSSIBLE AN IMPOSSIBLE FEAT OF STRENGTH AND GENEROSITY! YOU DESERVE A FUCKING MEDAL FOR ALL THAT COURTESY, DAVE. DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU A MEDAL? I COULD GET YOU A MEDAL.  
TG: i dont think i need a medal but if you really want to get me one go ahead  
CG: ALRIGHT, I'M ORDERING IT RIGHT NOW. DON'T EVEN THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT I'M KIDDING, DAVE. I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SERIOUS ON THIS FRONT. WHAT DO YOU WANT THE INSCRIPTION TO SAY?  
TG: you know what surprise me  
CG: HOW DOES THIS SOUND? DAVE STRIDER- CORDIAL ASS KNOB.  
TG: you forgot to add timely because guess what  
TG: that banging on the door  
TG: its me i have arrived the party can start now  
TG: or i guess the party can leave now is more accurate  
TG: karkat are you still there dude  
TG: oh wait youre opening the door never mind  
TG: is this going to be a thing now i mean this same thing happened last time too you just left me on this pesterlog or maybe it was a memo whatever point is it just keeps happening  
TG: should i get off or should i keep typing i mean whats the deal here  
TG: you know what im just gonna keep typing until someone stops me i mean youre not paying attention to me right now anyway were just going to the garage again right so what was the point of even going inside  
TG: oh you were getting kanaya hey kanaya remind me to ask you about your date with my sister  
TG: wow i didnt realize i typed that all out while i was talking that was weird  
TG: why did i say that all out loud karkat why arent you stopping me help i have a problem  
CG: HOLY SHIT, DAVE, WHAT THE HELL? DO I NEED TO TAKE YOUR PALMHUSK AWAY FROM YOU UNTIL WE GET TO THE DREAMER JUST SO YOU STOP FUCKING TYPING LITERALLY EVERY LITTLE THOUGHT THAT PASSES THROUGH THAT PIMPLE YOU CALL A HEAD? BECAUSE I FUCKING WILL, DON'T UNDERESTIMATE ME.  
TG: in most cases i would hold my phone over my head and say that id like to see you try but i really think taking it away from me is the best option right now  
CG: OKAY, WELL THEN HAND IT OVER.  
TG: end the pesterlog first  
CG: NO, WHY SHOULD I?  
TG: itll mess with my head if you dont ill have to reply ill have to scratch that fucking itch karkat i will take my phone back from you by force if i have to and it will not be pretty for either of us im sorry but thats the thing just end the fucking log okay it shouldnt be that hard  
CG: YOU'RE ALSO CAPABLE OF ENDING THE PESTERLOG ANY TIME, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?  
TG: yeah i know but im so tired i cant control myself much less stop myself from doing this come on cant you just do this one thing for me then you can be the chivalrous asshole with a medal ill get you a medal bro dont think i wont we can be medal buddies itll be sweet everyone will be so fucking jealous of us  
TG: karkat come on just end the pesterlog and ill hand my phone over and this will all be over arent you tired of reading my nauseatingly red text yet  
CG: ALRIGHT, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, OKAY?

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

"There, are you happy now?" He snarls at you holding out his hand. "Give me your palmhusk."

  
"Call it a phone and I will."

  
"What? No, just hand it over." He reaches out for the phone in your hand, but you keep it away from him insolently. "Dave, you're the one who asked me to take it!"

  
"Take what?"

  
"Your ph-palmhusk!" Karkat's on his tiptoes, stretching to grab it. You smirk, enjoying the advantages of your height until he uses it against you and stands on your foot for leverage.

  
You're both in the garage, standing by the car. It's idling, waiting for you to get in so you can go already.

  
Kanaya is already situated in the car, peering out of the open door at your struggle. "Are you two finished or do you need me to perform auspistice duties for you?"

  
You shake your head. "Nah, we're fine. He almost said it, that's close enough in my book."

  
You hand Karkat your phone, and Karkat steps down from your foot. He pockets your phone in his sweatshirt and climbs into the backseat. You're quick to follow suit.

  
The car ride is quiet for the most part, there's not even music playing. You hadn't even noticed it the first time around, as the awkwardness sort of drowned out all thoughts about sound that night. Now, though?

Now you fucking notice.

  
Now you're uncomfortable with the quiet. You wish you'd kept your phone so you could at least listen to your own music by yourself. Fuck, you would probably even take that cheesy old timey tape that you're certain is still in the tape deck up front.

  
You shove your hands in your pocket and-

  
hello.

  
It appears your forgot to remove your kazoo from when you used it earlier. You consider taking it out and decide that this is in fact the best choice of action, given the circumstances. You begin to remove it from your pocket.

  
Karkat is leaning up close to you now, glaring at you like it's what his eyes have been training their whole lives for. "Dave, don't you dare."

  
"You got a problem with kazoos all of a sudden, Karkat?" You inquire, ignoring his warning and wiggling it out slowly. "You didn't have an issue earlier, when I serenaded you at that shitty hole in the wall coffee dive."

  
Karkat pulls away from you so he can fold himself forward over his seat and bury his face melodramatically in his hands as he groans. "Don't remind me of that, I'm still riding residual waves of embarrassment from that fucking stunt you pulled."

  
"I thought you'd like it! That was romantic as hell."

  
His hands slide down his face to rest in his lap as he turns to look at you, his face a mass of fed up contempt, as if he's already done with your bullshit tonight. "In what world is the Indiana Jones theme song considered romantic?"

  
You shrug. "It's the thought that counts."

  
"You're right, it is the thought that counts." Karkat nods agreeably. "And I thought it was fucking stupid."

  
"I'm sorry, might I interrupt?" Kanaya interjects. "You serenaded Karkat, Dave?"

  
You nod once for confirmation. "I did. With this."

  
You pull out your kazoo and show it to her. She doesn't seem impressed. "I feel I shouldn't be surprised by your antics at this point, and yet here I am, and here are your antics, surprising me as usual."

  
"Hey, don't knock the seductive power of my kazoo, Kanaya, this and turntables are the only two instruments I'm proficient in."

  
Karkat is looking at you again like you're the dumbest person in the universe. "Turntables aren't an instrument, fuckwad."

  
"How would you know? Have you ever played them?"

  
"No."

  
"I rest my case."

  
He opens his mouth to reply, but the vehicle stops and what do you know? You're here already. Kanaya is quick to get out of the car, and you have a hand on Karkat's shoulder before he can follow her.

  
He turns to look at your hand on his shoulder, positioned so he's already halfway out of the car. If you pushed him, even just the slightest nudge, you're pretty sure he'll topple over onto the ground.

  
You resist the urge.

  
Your hand and your uncharacteristic silence have his attention. "What?"

  
You hold out your other hand. "Can I have my phone back now? We're here, and I can't participate on the memo if I don't have my phone."

  
He rolls his eyes and begrudgingly hands it back to you. "Fine."

  
You both crawl out of the car and fall in line behind him as you all enter single file into the casino.

  
The wall of silence you'd experience most of the ride over is knocked down to rubble as you are bombarded with impossibly loud sound. Fuck, ow. You think you might be getting tinnitus if this noise keeps up.

  
"Why is it so loud?" You shout to Karkat at your side.

  
Karkat turns to you and gestures towards his ear in the universal sign that he can't hear you. You lean in closer and repeat yourself.

  
"That's because it's the weekend, Dave." His voice is at the same volume as usual, it slices straight through the shouting storm and you can hear him fine. "You came here on a Thursday last time, it was practically dead."

  
You'd honestly thought it was packed last time, but now the place is brimming to the rafters with high blood trolls, carapace, and the occasional human. You now understand the need for three or four people on security.

  
You're all just standing around by the entrance. "Now what?" You ask.

  
"Now we get started." Karkat turns to Slick. "You're working by yourself tonight, remember?"

  
Slick snarls hostilely at him and nods, shuffling off towards the stairs just like he did last time.

  
"Alright, everybody, I'm opening the new memo." Karkat says when Slick is gone, looking at his phone. "Remember to stay in touch and keep everyone informed of what's going on at your end. Got it?"

  
Kanaya nods, opens up the blank memo on her phone, and disappears into the throng. You're so busy watching Kanaya you barely register Karkat trying to get your attention. He hits you hard on the arm.

  
"Dave, come on." He gestures towards the left, where the crowd is still heavy around what you think is a poker table. "We're over here."

  
He grabs your sleeve and tugs you forward by the arm, guiding you through the mass as he elbows and pushes his way through to the bar.

  
"How come your dad isn't on the memo?" You ask.

  
Karkat crosses so he's behind the bar and gestures for you to follow. "He's not my dad, and he is on the memo, he just doesn't respond to anything on it."

  
"Really?" You join him. "Doesn't that defeat the purpose?"

  
He shrugs. "Not really. If anything important happens near us he'll usually call and tell us about it, unless he thinks it's too dangerous or some stupid shit like that, then he'll come down and deal with the problem himself."

  
"Okay, I can get that." You nod, taking a look at all the bottles behind you. "Wait, so are you saying that when we were chatting on the memo last time he was just...lurking there? Reading it?"

  
"Yeah, it's how he operates. You got a problem with that?" He asks defensively, picking up a rag and a glass so he could clean it.

  
"Not really. I mean, it would have been nice to know my privacy was being invaded and that somebody else-somebody's parent-was reading what I wrote. Fuck, what did I even write last time?"

  
Karkat shrugs, cleaning what you're pretty sure is an already spotless glass out of having nothing better to do at the moment. How has no one stormed the bar yet? That seems like a thing people in an underground casino would do.

  
"It wasn't anything too cringe worthy. Even if you did, it's not like it would matter too much. He doesn't really care what shit other people say to me, he must have listened to Eridan hit on me in every fucking quadrant and he didn't so much as flinch. He did deepen his scowl a couple times, but he didn't stab anybody, so that's a plus. He definitely wouldn't tell my mom about it, so you have literally nothing to worry about other than making an ass of yourself in front of fucking everyone as usual."

  
"Your mom?" You tilt your head. "Why would I be worried about your-" then you remember. "Oh, right! What did she say about me staying over?"

  
"She was okay with it." Someone finally wanders over to the bar. "What'll it be?"

  
It's a troll, some blue blood adult you don't recognize. That makes sense. You don't think you recognize a single face here.

  
"You're new." The troll says, rapping her knuckles against the counter. You take it she means you.

  
"We just changed shifts." Karkat says, beating you to the punch. "Droog went home. Now are you going to fucking order something or just stand around like a loitering stickbug all night?"

  
She rolls her eyes. "Just get me a Ward Eight. You know how to make that, don't you?"

  
Karkat scoffs, rolling his eyes. "Do I know how to make it."

  
You stroke your chin with one hand. "I don't know, Karkat, do you?"

  
"Yes." He snaps, brushing past you to find the ingredients he needs from behind you. "Now, Dave, pay attention, this is all shit you said you wanted to know."

  
"Alright, I'm paying attention. Go."

  
"The rye whiskey's first." He's reaching up high on a shelf, stretching to grab at a bottle. You shift closer to help him, it wouldn't be any sort of feat for you. "Back the fuck away, I got it. Why don't you make yourself useful and get some things out of the fridge for me. We want orange juice and lemon juice. Got it?"

  
"Got it." You look around, and there to Karkat's right is a mini fridge, sitting on the ground. You get on your knees and remove the desired ingredients. Karkat's back up at the counter, two bottles in front of him and some weird metal mixy thing you've seen in movies before.

  
"Get your ass over here and give me those." He says, holding out his hand. You give him the orange juice, and he pours it into the thing and sets the bottle on the counter by the other two. You then give him the lemon juice, and he does the same with that.

  
The thing he said was rye whiskey gets poured into the thing with the rest of the liquids, and so does a significantly smaller amount of red syrup.

  
"Pay attention to this next part, Dave, it's important." There's a smaller metal thing that looks like an exact replica of the bigger one he was pouring the liquids into. This he uses to cover the top of the cup with.

  
Karkat lifts the cup and shakes it violently, like it insulted his mother or did him wrong in some horrible, unforeseeable way.

  
Once he finishes taking his anger out on the thing, he cracks the cups apart like it's an egg into the glass he'd been so busy cleaning earlier. The concoction's a weird, unappetizing orange color.

  
Karkat pushes the glass over to the troll, who just looks at it, then back at him, then down at her drink again.

  
"Aren't you forgetting something?"

  
Karkat sighs and holds a finger up, telling her to wait a minute before he reaches under the counter and pulls out a jar.

  
"Here you go." He drops a bright red cherry unceremoniously into the drink, splashing some of it onto the counter.

  
She takes it and walks away without so much as a thank you, disappearing to go satisfy a different vice.

  
"Okay," you nod to yourself, "I think I got this shit down. You pour the stuff into the thing and then shake it like a polaroid picture before cracking it open and spilling it all into a cup. The end."

  
Karkat sighs and squeezes the bridge of his nose. "There's more to it than that. Procedures. Recipes. Specific ratios."

  
"So, you dump a specific amount of shit into the magic bullet looking thing."

  
He shrugs. "Pretty much. There's more, it's more complicated, obviously, like fucking everything in existence. But in this case, yes, you dump a specific amount of shit into the fucking thing."

  
"There anything else I need to know."

  
"Yes. You're a fucking dundermuffin."

  
"I meant about the bartending."

  
He shakes his head. "We'll cover everything else when we get there. Put all this shit away."

  
"What? Why me? I didn't do any of that! You're the one who used it. You know what they say, the guy who touched it last has to put it away."

  
Karkat, face blank, picks up one of the bottles and pushes it into your chest.

  
"Nice try, anus breath, but you're still touching it." You smirk triumphantly.

  
Suddenly, he lets go. The bottle begins to drop, but you're quick to catch it before it shatters on the floor.

  
"Well, would you look who touched it last."

  
"God dammit." Fuck you and your stupid Strider reflexes.

  
"Put it away." Karkat leans against the counter, his back to all the potential customers, and pulls out his phone.

  
You do as he says, putting the bottle up while your phone buzzes in your pocket. You're certain it's probably just the memo, but you check it anyway.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] created a new memo board 'DREAMER SECURITY BOARD 2'

CG: EVERYTHING'S GOOD OVER HERE, SO FAR. SURPRISINGLY DEAD. I'M EXPECTING THINGS WILL ONLY GET MORE HECTIC AS THE NIGHT PROGRESSES. I FIGURED NOW WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO CHECK ON HOW EVERYONE'S DOING, GIVEN THOSE SHITTY CIRCUMSTANCES.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo

GA: Is That Not What We Want As Proprietors  
CG: NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, IT DEFINITELY IS. I JUST REALLY HATE DEALING WITH PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY IN GIANT, NUMB PANNED CROWDS LIKE THIS. HOW'S IT GOING OVER THERE?  
GA: The House Now Owes A Large Sum To A Very Sweet Looking Carapace At The Roulette Wheel  
GA: Wait  
GA: Never Mind  
GA: The Carapace Looks Particularly Upset About Their Loss I Think I May Send Them Your Way If Thats Alright With You  
CG: YEAH, THAT SHOULD BE FINE. WHAT DO YOU THINK? BEER? GIN? SOMETHING SOPOR LACED?

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo

TG: does sopor do anything for carapacians is that a thing i mean i know it doesnt for humans but it has a big effect on you guys so i dont know hey karkat does your dad know damn wheres slick when you need him  
TG: i know youre there man tell me if you know anything about this  
TG: if it turns you all into bloodthirsty monsters say nothing  
CG: I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW IF IT DOES FUCKALL FOR CARAPACIANS, BUT IF IT DOES I MAY AS WELL OFFER IT. WE'RE PRACTIALLY SWIMMING IN THIS SHIT.  
GA: I Think Beer Will Be Just Fine No Sopor  
CG: ALRIGHT, ON IT.

"Hey, can I pour it?" You ask, turning to Karkat just as he puts nozzle to mug.

  
He snorts and hands it over to you. "Knock yourself out."

TG: hey kanaya guess what  
TG: im an actual real life bartender now watch me pour this beer like i do it all the fucking time  
TG: did you see that kanaya i was so fucking smooth you have no idea im smooth as motherfucking buttered silk  
GA: You Typed So Fast I Didnt Have Time To Ask What Before You Told Me Exactly What  
GA: Well Now I Know What Congratulations Dave You Do Realize I Am All The Way Across The Room From You And Cant See You That Would Be One Of The Reasons This Memo System Was Implemented  
TG: so you mean you didnt see that at all  
TG: but kanaya i spun the nozzle thing around for you and sang into it like it was a microphone and then kept it away from karkat by holding it over my head i have beer spray in my hair kanaya it smells like hops  
CG: HE WAS SINGING BARTENDER. IT WAS TERRIBLE, HE HAS THE VOCAL SKILLS OF A WOUNDED HYENA ON HELIUM. HE ALSO DID IN FACT TRY TO POUR THE BEER INTO THE FUCKING MUG WHILE HOLDING THE NOZZLE OVER HIS HEAD. I'D BE SURPRISED IF HE COULD PISS AT A URINAL PROPERLY GIVEN HOW HE CAN'T FUCKING AIM FOR SHIT. THERE'S MORE BEER IN MY HAIR THAN THERE IS IN THE MUG.  
GA: That Was Bathroom Imagery That I Didnt Need  
TG: any imagery is good imagery  
CG: YOUR FRIEND MADE IT OVER HERE AND SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE DOING OKAY NOW. I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO LEAVE AFTER THEY'RE DONE WITH THIS DRINK.  
GA: Thats Good At Least Are They Still Despondent Over The Loss  
CG: NO, THEY'RE OKAY WITH IT. THEY'RE A PUMPKIN FARMER. APPARENTLY IT'S A SURPRISINGLY LUCRATIVE FIELD.  
TG: well yeah i mean how could we have pumpkin spice without pumpkins karkat thats just ridiculous  
CG: PUMPKINS AREN'T EVEN FUCKING USED IN PUMPKIN SPICE YOU IGNORANCE SHAFT.  
TG: well yeah but then wed have to call it something else like squash spice and that just sounds ridiculous karkat come on  
TG: are you guys always this concerned with the gamblers here or is this some new exercise are you trying to practice your empathy skills  
GA: We Are Always This Concerned With Our Patrons  
TG: well i dont find it hard to believe that youre concerned with the patrons kanaya but what about your pal karkat here he doesnt seem like a caring concerned individual  
CG: OH BELIEVE ME, I AM JUST AS FUCKING CONCERNED ABOUT THE PATRONS AS KANAYA IS. UNLESS OF COURSE THEY'RE HEMOPHOBIC SPHINCTER WHISTLERS.  
GA: In Which Case We Are Still Concerned But The Concern Is Of A Different Nature  
GA: Then We Are More Concerned With How To Dispose Of The Body Once We Are Done With Them  
TG: are you implying you murder douchey highbloods that you dont like  
GA: That Would Be The Implication Yes  
TG: i knew you were a bunch of bloodthirsty murderers  
GA: You Caught Me  
GA: While We Are On The Subject Of High Bloods I Spotted Feferi Earlier She Was At The Craps Table  
CG: ARE YOU SURE IT WAS FEFERI AND NOT JUST SOME OTHER GILL FLIPPER?  
GA: I Am Fairly Certain She Was Bouncing Up And Down And Kept Referring To The Game Both As Carps And Crappies She Also Glubbed Once Or Twice  
CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE FEFERI. SO WHY IS FEFERI PUTTING HER LIFE ON THE LINE BY BEING HERE AND SHOWING OFF HER BLOOD COLOR IMPORTANT EXACTLY? UNLESS YOU THINK SHE'LL ACCIDENTALLY INSTIGATE A FIGHT?  
GA: I Just Thought I Would Mention It As She Is Coming Your Direction

You look up from your phone just in time to see a troll with serious swimmer's body and the longest mass of hair you've ever seen (you wonder if she's compensating, her horns don't look that big) approach the bar. Her eyes were darting everywhere, taking in all the sights the crowded casino had to offer until they landed at the bar and alighted on Karkat. You saw the recognition on her face as she smiled wide and waved excitedly over to him.

  
Karkat doesn't wave back, but that doesn't stop her from rushing over like he was just begging for her company.

  
"Hiya, Karcrab!" She greets enthusiastically.

  
"Hey, Feferi." Karkat returns the greeting with far less enthusiasm. It doesn't even phase her. "Were you going to order something or just draw attention to yourself by standing out like a sore bulge."

  
At first you're not sure exactly what Karkat means by that, until you notice the little things like the fact that she's wearing goggles and has gills and _is that a fucking tiara?_

  
"Who's the new buoy?" She asks. The question's clearly directed at Karkat, but it's you she's scrutinizing curiously. "I thought you didn't pike humans."

  
"I don't, and I'm not a big fan of this fucker either."

  
"Ouch." You place a hand on your chest in mock offense. "I can't believe you said that to me, Karkat. After all I've done for you. After how much I sacrificed. I give and I give and what do I get in return? Fucking nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Bupkiss."

  
Karkat's not amused, and he exchanges a look with his finned friend before turning back to you. "Are you done?"

  
"No." You shake your head obstinately. "I want a divorce."

  
Karkat crosses his arms and glares at you indignantly. "That's too damn bad, Dave, because as much as I hate you and your company, I love torturing you with my presence more. I'm not signing any divorce papers."

  
"I'm confused. You said you were a masochist before, but what you just described was pretty much textbook fucking sadism right there. What the fuck, Karkat? I know I said no kink shaming, but damn, son, that is some kinky shit, and I'm shaming it." You make a cross with your fingers and give him the shame gesture. "Shame on you, Karkat, shame, shame, shame."

  
Karkat throws the wet rag he was using earlier at you and manages to hit you in the face.

  
"Bullseye." He says as you toss the rag back onto the counter.

  
The girl's laughing at your antics. "This mast be the new frond I've heard so much aboat!"

  
You wonder who she heard so much aboat from.

  
Karkat must be thinking the same thing. "Who the fuck have you been talking to, Feferi?"

  
She shrugs. "Sollux, mostly. He's really shore aboat you hooking up with a new fry."

  
"I'm not hooking up with anyone!" Karkat denies loudly, from his annoyed tone you guess this wasn't the first time he's had to say that.

  
"What do french fries have to do with any of this?" You interrupt.

  
They both look at you, apparently just as perplexed about it as you are. You see the very moment understanding clouds Karkat's face as he perfroms his signature move, the exasperated face palm.

  
"Holy mother grubbing shit, I didn't even notice she used a pun there, what the fuck is wrong with me?"

  
"Lots of things." You add helpfully. "But why don't we begin with what's currently fucking wrong with you? Like understanding the pun that I didn't understand."

  
Feferi opens her mouth to offer an explanation, but Karkat beats her to it. "Fries are baby fish. It goes larvae, fry, then fingerling, then it's just a regular fucking fish."

  
"That's weird. Why the fuck do you know that? You don't seem like the marine life type."

  
"I'm not." He sighs. "When you hang out with high bloods, you learn a lot of useless nautical and aquatic terms."

  
"I thought you didn't like high bloods?"

  
"I don't mind them, for the most part. It's caste-ist asshole bigots I can't stand."

  
Feferi, again, opens her mouth to add something or maybe change the conversation, you're not sure what her plan was, because you get distracted by your phone buzzing in time to the Thresh Prince theme song.

  
You take your phone out of your pocket. "You should really change your ringtone, dude, it's totally unprofessional."

  
"Says the guy who brought a kazoo with him."

  
"I haven't played it yet though, have I? Besides, you know you fucking love it. You were practically swooning earlier."

  
"That was me, dying of embarrassment from actually knowing you. I understand your confusion, death by humiliation is often confused with swooning."

  
Feferi's giggling again. "Are you shore you're not baiting?"

  
Karkat scoffs. "He wishes."

  
"Yeah, on my worst enemy, maybe."

  
You open up pesterchum, there's new messages on the memo.

apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo

AA: im thinking ab0ut quitting the crew  
GA: Why Would You Want To Do That Aradia Would You Mind Offering An Explanation  
GA: Also Karkat You Did Not Tell Me Aradia Had Permission To Respond To This Memo May I Request An Explanation For That As Well  
CG: THE EXPLANATION FOR THAT IS SIMPLE; SHE DOESN'T.  
CG: ARADIA, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET ON THIS MEMO AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO LEAVE THE CREW? IS IT EQUIUS? IS HE MAKING YOU UNCOMOFORTABLE? BECAUSE I CAN SWITCH HIM OUT WITH NEPETA IF YOU WANT.  
AA: n0 its n0thing like that th0ugh equius has been making advances t0wards me i have inf0rmed him that i am n0t currently seeking any0ne in that quadrant  
CG: WELL IF IT'S NOT THE HIGH BLOOD HOOFBEAST FUCKER THEN WHAT IS IT?  
AA: i have been asked t0 j0in the k0b  
TG: im lost what does corn have to do with this or is that how they spell kob when theyre taking about that band korn is that it are you joining korn i thought they broke up  
GA: KOB Is An Acronym For The Knights Of Blood Dave Im Not Suprised You Havent Heard Of Them Considering Your Ineptitude Towards Troll Social Structure  
TG: kanaya are you calling me stupid  
CG: SHE'S DEFINITELY NOT CALLING YOU A GENIUS, SHITPAN.

cuttlefishCuller [CC] responded to memo

CC: You were offered a membership, Araydia? T)(AT'S SO ----EXCITING!! W)(ale bot)( be members t)(en! 8D  
CG: OKAY, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK? THIS IS A SECURE MEMO, NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET ON WHAT IS THE DEAL HERE HOW DID YOU GET ON THIS?  
CC: As future --Empress I )(ave access to any applicocean my subjects use.  
CG: THAT'S A LOAD OF SHIT. HOW WOULD ARADIA HAVE GOTTEN ON IF THAT WERE THE CASE?  
AA: s0llux g0t us 0n  
CC: Now we can do waterever we want to!  
AA: 0nly in terms 0f pesterl0gs  
CC: T)(at's debaitable.  
CG: SO YOU'RE SAYING SOLLUX LET YOU IN OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF HIS BLOODPUSHER? BECAUSE I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE CONSIDERING HE HAS NONE.  
GA: Sollux Would Argue That He Has Two  
AA: he was willing t0 d0 it because we recently became quadrantmates  
AA: i als0 pr0mised that i w0uld b0ther y0u peri0dically  
CC: I promised to bot)(er you nautically.  
CG: HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU'RE GOING TO BOTHER ME, COULD YOU DO IT AFTER I FIGURE OUT WHY THE FUCK YOU'RE TRYING TO LEAVE, ARADIA? YOU SAID THE KOB OFFERED YOU A MEMBERSHIP?  
CC: I'M SO GLUBBING GLAD THEY HOOK MY SLUGG---ESTION UNDER CONC)(SID---ERATION!!   
CG: WAIT, SO YOU SUGGESTED THEY CONSIDER ARADIA?  
CC: Whale, what happened was I was there when she and Equius were guarding during a protest against an anti-rustblood estabfishment and saw her beat the gar out of some mean bottomfeeding scum. She was just so pool! I had to extend a membership to her!  
AA: thank y0u feferi i am seri0usly c0nsidering it as a l0t 0f my pers0nal beliefs ab0ut equality and the hem0spectrum seem to align well with theirs  
CG: OKAY, SO YOU'RE GOING TO JOIN, THEN?  
GA: That Is Definitely What It Sounds Like.  
AA: yes i plan t0  
CG: THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO QUIT THE CREW. I MEAN, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO, I'M NOT GOING TO FORCE YOU TO STAY OR ANYTHING, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I WOULD MAKE YOU CHOOSE ONE OVER THE OTHER OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT. DID THEY SAY YOU HAD TO QUIT SO YOU COULD JOIN? THEY ARE MOSTLY PEACEFUL PROTESTERS WHO FOLLOW THE TEACHINGS OF THE SIGNLESS, AREN'T THEY? I COULD UNDERSTAND IF THEY WOULDN'T WANT A MEMBER ASSOCIATED WITH A VIOLENT ORGANIZATION.  
AA: they didnt say i had t0 quit, n0t in s0 many w0rds  
AA: it was suggested several times  
CG: WOULD IT HELP IF I MOVED YOU TO A LESS VIOLENT SECTOR?  
TG: is a nonviolent position in a gang even a thing though i mean that sounds made up  
CG: SHE COULD HANDLE THE BOOK KEEPING OR SCHEDULE THE FUCKING MEETINGS OR SOMETHING. WHATEVER, I CAN MAKE IT FUCKING WORK.  
AA: its fine i d0nt think i was g0ing to stay in the crew much l0nger anyway  
AA: im n0t that vi0lent 0f a tr0ll usually but every time i have a j0b t0 d0 i always end up in the p0siti0n 0f an aggress0r  
AA: i have a l0t 0f 0utrage ab0ut the hem0spectrum and what it means to me as a l0wbl00d and id like t0 find a better 0utlet t0 express my dissatisfacti0n than thr0ugh vi0lent 0utbursts like this  
CG: YEAH, I GET IT. VIOLENT OUTBURSTS AREN'T EXACTLY EVERYONE'S CUP OF SCALDING LEAF WATER. LIKE I SAID, YOU CAN LEAVE IF YOU WANT TO, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING FORCE YOU TO STAY IF YOU'D REALLY RATHER FUCK OFF AND JOIN THE KOB. YOU SHOULD DO WHATEVER YOU THINK IS BEST FOR YOU, AND FUCK WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WANTS YOU TO DO. WHATEVER YOUR DECISION, YOU HAVE MY FULL SUPPORT, ARADIA.  
AA: i really appreciate it thank y0u  
CG: NO PROBLEM, JUST KEEP IN TOUCH SO I DON'T ONLY HAVE INCOMPETENT BULGEWEED TO DEAL WITH ALL THE TIME.  
AA: i did pr0mise t0 pester y0u already  
GA: If It Is Not Too Late I Would Also Like To Add You Have My Full Support As Well  
AA: thanks  
AA: ill leave the three 0f y0u t0 y0ur j0b then  
CC: Sea you at t)(e next meeting!

apocalypeArisen [AA] ceased respondng to memo

CG: AS LONG AS WE'RE ON HERE, KANAYA, HOW ARE THINGS OVER THERE?  
GA: Stable How Are You And Dave  
CG: PEACHY FUCKING KEEN.  
GA: That Is Good  
TG: yeah it does sound like everything is good in the hood and also everywhere else for that matter i think we can tie this up with a big ol bow and say thats the end of any interesting portion of this adventure  
CG: IF NO ONE HAS ANYTHING OF ACTUAL MEANING TO ADD, I THINK I'M GOING TO LEAVE THE MEMO FOR NOW AND POSSIBLY FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT UNLESS SOMETHING FUCKING HAPPENS FOR ONCE.  
GA: Before We Do That I Did Have Something I Wanted To Discuss With You Karkat Though Now That I Think About It Such A Public Setting Could Be Considered Less Than Ideal  
CC: Even if you go to a private log I cod still hook at it so you may bass whale do it on here.  
CG: FEFERI HAS A POINT, APPARENTLY NOTHING IS SAFE FROM THE BULBS OF OUR FRIENDS AND DAVE.  
TG: thats cold karkat i cant believe you would do that to me  
TG: putting my name second like that how dare you you son of a bitch I'm number one and you know it  
CG: THAT'S MR. SON OF A BITCH TO YOU.  
CG: WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT, KANAYA?  
GA: I Was Just Thinking About What Aradia Said About Her Thoughts On The Hemospectrum And How She Wished To Express Them In A Way She Found More Appropriate  
CG: DON'T TELL ME, YOU'RE LEAVING THE CREW TO GO JOIN THE KOB TOO, AREN'T YOU, KANAYA?  
GA: No I Wouldnt Do That I Am Fine With My Current Position In The Crew  
GA: What I Was Thinking About Was Wrqi34fuhaewuifha4e8thfjalnfrieua78ty34aerferhuyfgoeuyf

 

You look up from your phone and over to Karkat, who looks up at you, face heavy with concern. You don't get long to worry about her before you hear the commotion from the other side of the casino. You have a sinking feeling you understand what might be going on. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

  
"This is the police! Drop whatever weapons you have and get on the ground!"

  
You're frozen where you are, but Karkat is quick to act. He pushes you down so you're both on the floor, kneeling behind the counter so the cops won't see you immediately.

  
You open your mouth to say something, but he puts a finger to his lips to tell you to be quiet. You shut your mouth again. Everything is so much louder than it was before now, and you can feel yourself buzzing with anxiety and adrenaline. You're in the midst of a raid in a casino owned and run by the Midnight Crew. Today you tended bar.

  
You're going to be caught.

  
How the fuck are you going to explain yourself? What are you going to tell your dad? How did things go so bad so quickly?

  
You're going to be caught.

  
You want to move, to run away, to abscond out of here as fast as you can and pretend you weren't here, you've never been here, and you don't know where here is.

  
Karkat's staying put, though. There is a stubborn resolve on his face you've never seen on anyone before, it's an expression you never thought you'd see on someone cowering from the cops behind a bar.

  
There's so much happening, so much panicking and running around being done by the patrons, so much shouting being done by the cops, but you can't see any of it because of where you're hiding. You only get sound, and that offers you no comfort. You can't even gauge how far away the enemy is. They could pop their heads over the counter any minute, and that'll be the end of it.

  
When someone does eventually pop their head over, it's enough to startle you into jumping, but not Karkat. He just looks up at the guy defiantly.

  
"Why the fuck are you still here?" It's just Slick. You've never been so happy to see his scowl in your life.

  
"I'm not leaving." Karkat replies. "Not without Kanaya."

  
Slick takes out one of his knives from fuck knows where and hops over the counter. You're quick to move out of the way, it's the most movement you've been able to accomplish in awhile, you feel like.

  
Slick is snarling, feeling around on the floor like he lost a contact until he stops and pries his knife under a tile. It comes loose fairly quick and he tosses it aside, barely managing to not hit Karkat in the process. You peer over Slick's shoulder to try and see why he did that.

  
There's a trap door located where the tile used to be.

  
So why the hell were you still here?

  
Slick lifts the trap door open so you can get a good look into the black maw beneath the casino that you will be using shortly to abscond from. You notice there's a ladder and are thankful, though honestly at this point you were willing to just jump down. You prepare to go down until you notice Karkat shaking his head.

  
"No, I'm not fucking going! I'm going to wait for Kanaya, or maybe I'll go look for her out there, but the point is, I'm not leaving this casino until I know she's safe."

  
"We don't have time for this!" Slick hisses back at him. "Get the fuck down there right now."

  
Karkat remains unmoving, opposition in his low stance. "Make me."

  
Slick moves so fast, you don't even register what's happening until the event's already over. Slick took Karkat's challenge and grabbed him, hurling him head first down into the dark. You hear him land with a soft thud. Slick then turns his attention to you, completely ready to do the same move to you if you pull what Karkat just tried to pull.

  
Fuck that, you know better.

  
You hold up your hands in surrender to him and shake your head before squeezing past him and shimmying down the ladder yourself.

  
The trapdoor closes above you, and the light is now gone. The horrible loudness from before is now just muffled background noise.

  
You can't see anything, you move to turn on your phone light.

  
Something grabs your leg, and you drop your phone with a start.

  
"Calm the fuck down, Dave." Karkat whispers, pulling himself up with aid from your jeans. "It's just me."

  
He's speaking so quietly that you almost don't believe it's actually him.

  
You mimic his tone. "Are you okay, dude?"

  
"Yeah, I'm fine. Except my head hurts, a little-" He pauses for a moment. "Oh, fuck, I'm bleeding."

  
"What? Where?" You turn to get a good look at him, but then recall that you can't see three feet in front of your face.

  
"It's just a scratch, relax. I must have gotten it on my way down."

  
"That must be it."

  
"Ow! Fucking nook fingering globe fondler, that hurts like a bitch!" Karkat hisses to himself. "Why do head wounds always bleed so profusely? This is way too much for just a little scratch."

  
"I can't confirm or deny that it's a big scratch, because I am currently too busy being fucking blind right now."

  
"Right, of course you are. I'm sure those stupid shades are coming in real handy right now."

  
"Oh, what, like you can see."

  
"Um...yeah? I'm fucking nocturnal, Dave. I have night vision, don't be a stupid nub bubble."

  
"Oh, right." You do feel like a stupid nub bubble, whatever that is. "Would you mind picking up my phone? I dropped it and I can't see it."

  
He sighs heavily like you just asked him to do all of your math homework for you. "Fine."

  
Something is pressed into your outstretched hand. You take hold of your phone and stow it back into your pocket just as your free hand is taken from you by Karkat's own.

  
"Dude, if you wanted to hold hands, you could have just said so."

  
You're certain he's rolling his eyes at you. "Could you choose a different time to be a dumbass? We're going to have to start walking, and it would be better if we stay together. Like you just pointed out, you're fucking blind, so you're twice as useless as before. It would be hard for you to find me and the right path in the dark if I left you to your own ineffective devices."

  
"Yeah, that makes sense. Where are we going anyway?"

  
"Home."

  
He starts walking, and you trail behind quietly. You have no idea how much time you spend walking before you think it's safe enough to talk.

  
"Did your mom say it was cool for me to spend the night?"

  
"We already talked about this."

  
"I forgot. Humor me."

  
"Yeah, she decided it was fine. Even if she didn't, she wouldn't make you go home after something like this. You'd have time to collect yourself at the house first."

  
"Okay, cool."

  
You both relapse into silence.

  
Karkat is the one to initiate conversation next.

  
"Hey, do you think..." He trails off, seeming to reconsider the thought.

  
"Yeah, I do that sometimes. What did you want to know what I think about?"

  
"I was just wondering if you thought Kanaya was okay."

  
You feel a little heavier now when you think about it. Karkat had been so dead against leaving without her. He probably hated that he had to abandon her like that.

  
"I'm sure she's fine. Don't worry about her."

  
"I can't just not worry about her! She's my moirail. I should have stayed behind until I was certain she was safe."

  
He stops suddenly, and you bump into him.

  
"Karkat, what the fuck?"

  
He lets go of your hand. "Stay here. I'm going back for her."

  
You feel him brush past you and are quick to grab for him. There's no way you're going to let him do something that stupid. "Wait, wait, wait, Karkat, stop!"

  
You end up grazing his face with both your hands, and you bunch your hands into his hood when he turns. He keeps moving, but you hold your ground by digging your feet into the dirt.

  
"Karkat, no! That's a terrible idea! You'll just get hurt or something stupid like that!"

  
"I don't care, I need to go get Kanaya!"

  
"Don't you think Kanaya will care? She'll be fine, she's probably on her way down here right this fucking minute, or she found a different, easier exit because she wants to get to you, too, but isn't a huge idiot. She probably already knows you're out of there. She knew you were at the bar, I 'm guessing she knew about the whole secret door thing, too. You won't be helping anyone if you go back up there."

  
Karkat's silent, and for a moment you think he's just going to leave when you feel his hand slide back into yours and squeeze.

  
"You're right." He admits. "I...I just-"

  
He sighs dejectedly. "I'm worried about her."

  
You squeeze his hand back. "She's fine, I guarantee it. I'm more concerned about you right now, actually."

  
"What do you mean?"

  
Your hands are weirdly sticky after touching him. You don't like it. "You're still bleeding. Like you said, that's way more than you should be bleeding from a little scratch. I think it might be a bigger deal than we thought."

  
You can't see, but you're pretty sure Karkat's probably checking the wound himself, as if he can't tell he's still bleeding without checking.

  
"Holy fuck, I am still bleeding."

  
"Yeah. We should probably amscray the fuck out of here so you can get that thing checked out."

  
"Agreed."

  
You start walking again, and the silence hangs heavy between the two of you before Karkat clears his throat.

  
"Now wouldn't be a completely inappropriate time for that kazoo."

  
"You want me to play it now?" You laugh, pulling it out of your pocket.

  
"Sure, why the fuck not?" You're certain he shrugs, but you still can't see to confirm.

  
"What should I play?"

  
"Whatever the fuck you want. Seduce me with your melodic charisma, Dave."

  
"Wait, wait, I got it." You laugh again as the thought strikes you. "Listen to this."

  
You play a rendition of the Midnight Crew song, Karkat humming along as you let him navigate you to the end.

  
Holding Karkat's hand in the dark while playing something to conjure older, better memories offers you an odd sense of comfort that you wouldn't trade for the world right now.

  
You think everything might turn out okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fish puns are hard.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took some time for me to finish, plus I had a lot of other stuff going on like tests and aging and etc. Anyway, I hope the length makes up for the time.

You reach the end of the underground trail out of the casino. Honestly, you're only aware because Karkat stops again.

  
You take your kazoo out of your mouth. "What's up?"

  
"We're here." Karkat lets go of your hand, and your palm is left feeling clammy and empty. You still can't fully see down here, but you can vaguely make him out as he climbs up a ladder and opens a hatch much similar to the one you both came through not too long ago. There's light coming from the new opening, and you can finally see once Karkat climbs through.

  
You follow him out and emerge from the dark and back outside, where it is also dark, but not as intense. You thank the streetlights and the sudden appearance of snow fall for that.

  
"Fuck, it's snowing!" Karkat's standing next to the hatch, hunched over and shivering to conserve warmth. "I hate snow."

  
"Why? What do you have against cloud dandruff? The clouds are just trying to be themselves in such hard times, Karkat. They don't make head and shoulders for clouds anymore. Or trolls, for that matter. Just embrace them and your similar flaws, dude. Don't make the clouds feel self conscious about things that are pretty much out of their control. That's not cool."

  
Karkat looks at you with an unamused scowl as he rubs his arms through his sweater. "Can you be serious for a second, sneeze swill? I don't have time to stand here and freeze to death while you ramble on about literally fucking nothing." He huffs, his breath clouding in a little puff in front of him before he adds an afterthought. "And I don't have dandruff."

  
"Really?" You smirk, "Well, what the fuck is this, then?"

  
You pounce before he even has a chance to think about what you're going to do, and you rub his head with a fierce rapidity. "It's snowing!"

  
"Hey, stop that!" Karkat scolds, batting your hand away. You remove your hand, and he pushes you. It's a light push, not exactly playing along, but more of a warning that he won't go easy on you if you continue. You take a step back and hold your hands up as a sign that you totally understand where he's coming from on this one. You mostly just wanted to break the weird tension caused by the casino escape. Karkat runs his hands through his hair in an effort to fix it, even though you're pretty sure it'll be the same amount of messy when he's done. Your hand feels particularly light and empty and cold as you watch him do this. "This is actual snow, shitface. You've proven nothing except that you can make an ass of yourself in any situation."

  
He crosses his arms over his chest and awaits your retort, but you just shrug and stow your hands in your sweatshirt pocket.

  
Karkat's shivering makes you want to shiver in sympathy as well as actual cold. "You're right, it's freezing out here. We should get inside, where it's a normal, not snowing temperature. While we're at it, we should probably get your head examined."

  
It looks like Karkat's head wound stopped bleeding, but now that you could actually see the thing you didn't think it looked very good. His forehead is gashed jaggedly from his hairline to his eyebrow in a thin, angry looking slash mark.

  
"You're gonna look like Harry Potter if that scars."

  
Karkat touches it and flinches, you're not sure if it's because the thing sting, which you're guessing it does, or because he's thinking about all the Harry Potter jokes and references made at his expense in the future.

  
"I'm not letting that happen, Dave. I'm not even a fucking Gryffindor."

  
"What? Then what the fuck are you? Slytherin?"

  
"Don't be ridiculous, shitmunch." He sneers in disgust. "That house's for highbloods. For your information, I'm a Ravenclaw."

  
"I don't know that house."

  
Karkat's arms fall to his sides. "What the fuck do you mean you don't know that house? How do you not know that house? Did you even read the books, Dave?"

  
"No. My sisters did. I watched a couple of the movies." You shrug. "I'm not that into magic."

  
"Me neither, but I still fucking read them."

  
"Yeah, I know. You like cheap, steamy porn. You probably only read Harry Potter so you could appreciate the fan fiction better, you nsfw pervert."

  
"At least I fucking read."

  
You grin. "Couldn't help but notice you're not denying it, Karkat. You do read Harry Potter fan fiction in your spare time, don't you? I bet you're a filthy, filthy Drarry shipper."

  
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with that ship!" He snaps at you. "I do like Harry better with Ginny, but I appreciate the ship nonethefuckingless."

  
You shrug. "Whatever floats your troll scrote's not really my business, dude. How far are we from your house? I really feel like having an escape tunnel leading right back to your house is sort of a bad idea, so I'm just over here assuming we're not anywhere near there. But you know what they say about assuming things. Makes an ass out of you and me, that's what they say. I don't know who they are, but they definitely said that on more than one occasion. Honestly, that's really all they say. They really need a new catchphrase, that one's getting a little stale."

  
"Like I said before, you don't need any help making a complete ass of yourself, Dave. Make whatever assumptions you want. Even if they manage to make an ass out of me, I'll never be as big of an ass as you are, and that's the honest to mother grub truth of the matter. As for how far we are from my hive, I'd say it's a good mile at least, in that direction."

  
He points west, which seems to lead to nowhere. But hey, what the fuck do you know in this situation? Fucking nothing, is what.

  
"Okay, well let's go, then. Lead the way, I'm freezing my dick off over here."

  
Karkat just rolls his eyes, but starts off west anyway without another word. He's probably suffering the same symptoms you are, but just doesn't want to admit it.

  
Luckily, the snow only just started, so there's not enough on the ground that you have to trudge through it yet. Not so luckily, it's beginning to fall faster than before. You hunch over into your sweatshirt and wish you'd brought something thicker. You'd thought that earlier today, too, but did you do it? No. No, you didn't. What the fuck is wrong with you?

  
No matter how cold you get, though, you can't help but notice how cold Karkat looks stomping in front of you. His shivering's only gotten worse since you started off. You walk a little faster so you're not trailing behind him anymore.

  
His eyes glance your way momentarily when you get to his side and match his pace, but he doesn't say anything about it. He's still rubbing his arms. His hands look like they're probably freezing.  
Yours have warmed up nicely in your sweatshirt pocket.

  
You wonder what he would do if you took his hand again under the guise of warming it up a little. You inch your hand forward a little, just a little, and the cold pricks your skin almost instantaneously. "Dave, what the fuck are you staring at? Shouldn't you be keeping your eyes forward? I know I'm in the lead here, but you should at least try to act like you're paying attention instead of looking at me and spacing out like a dick panned slug worm whose never seen a troll before."

  
You snap back to attention and avert your eyes from him. You hadn't even noticed you were staring. "The fuck is a slug worm."

  
"You. You're a slug worm. Deal with it."

  
"I'm trying, but this is so new...I don't know what to do with this information, Karkat. What does this mean for me, as a slug worm? I don't know where the slug ends and the worm begins."

  
"I can't help you with that, sorry. I can tell you where the asinine bullshit begins though, if you think that would help."

  
"You know what, I think that would help. Tell me, Karkat, where does the asinine bullshit begin, in your opinion. Do you have a map to it? Is that where we're going? Can you smell it? Are we following the bullshit trail, Karkat? Like the yellow-brick road of shit? Nah, I guess that would make it brown, wouldn't it? Regular brick is pretty much brown. I guess we are going to have to rely on your sense of smell on this one, shit sniffer. Do you have your nose in gear, Karkat? Lead the way to the bullshit."

  
You could add more, but Karkat stops you. There is a deep and meaningful look in those gray eyes that you've never seen before that makes you not only shut down your mouth, but your legs as well. Your heart makes up for it by picking up the pace. Karkat steps closer to you, looking up at you. You feel like this has taken a weird and unexpected turn.

  
"No, Dave, I don't have to lead you to it." He says softly, raising a hand slowly. He places it on your chest gently, right over your heart which has, for the time being, decided to do its best impression of a hummingbird. "The bullshit was in you all along."

  
He's grinning up at you at his own stupid joke and offers your chest a quick pat before punching you in the shoulder lightly but still pretty firm for a playful gesture. "Now let's get a move on before we get caught in a blizzard and freeze to death. I don't want them to find my popsicle corpse huddled against yours for warmth or some equally horrible and completely fucking avoidable demise."

  
Karkat goes back to walking without making sure you're following him, leaving you to stand in place and try to slow down your heart as you fight off the sudden wave of confused disappointment currently crashing into you.

  
You...really weren't expecting that.

  
You're honestly not sure what you were expecting.

  
He had been so close. so. fucking. close.

  
His hand had been on your chest. He could probably hear just how fast your heart was pounding through your sweatshirt.

  
Your own hands are still safely stowed away in the warm confines of your sweatshirt pocket, but they grow cold at the thought of Karkat's hands, and the fact that you no longer have one of them presently intertwined with your own.

  
You look over to Karkat, the distance between the two of you only growing with every second you spend rooted to this spot and analyzing your weird feelings.

  
You resolve the issue with the plausible excuse of you just wanted to make sure Karkat's hands weren't frozen and decide to really evaluate your feelings another time. Like when you weren't supposed to be walking to a friend's house in the snow after just barely excaping a police raid at a casino.

  
You jog to catch up with him and try not to think about his hands or how much you wanted to take them in your own like when you were in the tunnel earlier.

  
You really, really try.

  
You think about something, anything else.

  
You think about how fucking cold it is, and how you're not surprised that it's snowing so hard. You think about the possibility of freezing to death before you get to the house.

  
You don't think that would happen, though. You know several ways to conserve heat that you would be willing to try before that would even happen. You and Karkat could always huddle, if worst come to worst-  
one of the best methods of conserving heat is to remove all clothing and squish as close as physically possible to exchange body heat.

  
you think about removing Karkat's clothing.

  
how fucking warm his skin is.

  
what you think he'd look like, covered in snow and nothing else.

  
you briefly wonder what the fuck troll anatomy looks like and wish you'd paid attention in class.

  
you briefly wonder why Karkat is looking at you like that and wish you'd paid attention to right now.

  
"Dave, are you okay?" He asks, forcing you back into the present non-fantasy. You were probably staring again.

  
He looks genuinely concerned, from the set of his eyebrows. It looks like it's agitating the cut on his forehead, and now you're also concerned.

  
"Yeah, I'm cool. No, cooler than cool, I'm ice cold." He rolls his eyes, and you lace your fingers together in the pocket of your sweatshirt to prevent any irrational actions on your part. "How much longer are we gonna be out here?"

  
"Not much longer, you won't have to become the abominable snow dick just yet."

  
"I think you mean abdominal snowman. Common mistake."

  
Karkat shakes his head. "No, I meant abominable snow dick. I hate you and you're a dick. Hence abominable snow dick. The snow part is just because it's cold out here. You're also an abominable autumn dick, spring dick, and summer dick."

  
"Hey, I resent that! You've only known me during fall to now, which, I'd like to remind you, it still technically is."

  
"Nope. It's snowing. That means it's winter. It's winter now."

  
"We'll get to how wrong you are later. Point is, I may be abominable in the autumn, and in the winter is up for debate. As for spring and summer? Fuck you, I'm an irksome sunburned dick, at worst."

  
Karkat shrugs. "That's a mouthful."

  
"That's what she said."

  
Karkat groans at your joke and buried his face in his hands, keeping his pace the same even though his vision's now compromised by his palms.

  
"Anyway," he continues emphatically as if you didn't just interrupt and ruin his life. "I haven't known you long enough to determine your tolerability with the changing of the seasons. For all I know you remain in a constant state of disgusting shit mongering regardless of the temperature. That's what I'm willing to accept for now until I see some fucking conclusive as shit evidence about the subject, at the very least."

  
You tilt your head to the side and look at Karkat quizzically, smirking. "So you plan on knowing me longer? Is that what you're saying?"

  
He scoffs. "You wish, dick weasel, I've been trying to get away from you from day fucking one."

  
"You have? Hm, I didn't even notice. Like most things in life, you're not very good at this. Sorry to break it to you, but you're pretty much stuck with me."

  
You lean on him, causing him to stagger under the sudden addition of your weight.

  
"Yeah, I noticed." He pushes you off him. "You somehow managed to crawl in and anchored yourself a spot in my intestines like a fucking tapeworm and I can't find a single procedure in modern medical science capable of removing you from my insides."

  
"That...almost sounded suggestive."

  
Karkat punches you lightly in the arm. "Only you would think a simile comparing you to a fucking parasite would be suggestive."

  
"I don't know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to seduce me."

  
"Well, look at that, you're finally right about something! You really don't know any better." Karkat rolls his eyes. "If I was trying to seduce you, you'd know it."

  
"Would I really? I mean, for a romance expert, I've never seen you actually flirt or get your romance on with anybody. For all I know you're one of those long con types. Maybe you're just sitting here patiently waiting for the right time to make your move before you aim for the kill. Shooting through that jugular with Cupid's fucking love arrow."

  
"Dave, the only arrow I want to shoot you with is a real one, right through those stupid fucking shades and your stupid fucking candy red eye right into your stupid fucking think pan so you stop opening your loadgaper of a mouth and spilling out all this shit you call actual thought."

  
He looks so agitated, it's kind of funny. He's wearing that same tired scowl you're used to, bags under his eyes made all the more prominent by the fact that it's at least three a.m. and his gaze still piercing through your shades and emanating pure animosity like usual, including that little glint of exhausted acceptance you'd discovered shining through not too long into your current bro ship. Emotions are definitely running high right now, but at the very least, you seem to be doing a fine job taking both of your minds off of the casino and your current predicament. Way to go, you.

  
"Swoon."

  
"Fuck you."

  
"Wouldn't you like to."

  
You receive a garbled sounding groan as Karkat rubs his face with his hands. You have a feeling this gesture was used both to express his agitation as well as his nearly enervated state.

  
"We're almost to my hive." He responds, gesturing vaguely towards a growing shape in the snow flurry. "Fucking finally."

  
You peer into the distance and yep, now that you think about it that thing is house shaped and close enough that you think you'll reach it in the next five minutes or less.

  
"And just in time to not freeze our respective genitalia off."

  
Karkat sighs and shakes his head at you, quickening his pace. "You really had to add that? Right fucking now? When I was in a good mood?"

  
"If I didn't mention it, you would've." You counter. "Come on, you mention dicks almost as much as I do. Just because you like using your weird xenoterminology for it doesn't make it any less true."

  
Karkat turns around to face you, but doesn't stop moving. He's walking backwards now, somehow managing to avoid the trees that have so far been sparse in your path but are growing more frequent the closer you get to his home.

  
"Okay, I guess I see your point, you bulge licking jackass." Karkat turns around, narrowly avoiding a tree in the process. "Now hurry the fuck up, or did you actually want frostbitten shameglobes?"

  
"I'm not actually sure what those are, but no, I like my shameglobes room temperature, thank you very much."

  
You speed up after Karkat, but he only goes faster the closer you get to him. It's like he doesn't want you getting closing the distance between the both of you.

  
Really it's more like he wants to close the distance between himself and his house, you're guessing.

  
You gotta admit, you kind of want to shift into third gear and get the fuck inside where it's warm and there's probably coffee or cocoa or something. Maybe cider? You could go for some cider.

  
The two of you are practically running by the time you can make out the house's weird ass color scheme.

  
You break through the trees and there it is, there's his house, all funky and eclectic looking. You've never been more excited to see a bad paint job or a light on in your life.

  
"Thank fuck, we're here!" You can't help but shout melodramatically, falling to your knees. You need a minute to catch your breath from all the running and emotional turmoil, it feels like you just completed a mental and physical marathon.

  
"Enough with the theatrics." Karkat snaps at you, pulling you up by your sleeve. "Let's get inside."

  
"Yeah, sure." You're dragged forcefully back up to your feet and over to the front door. "Is this thing even unlocked?"

  
Karkat furrows his brow, opening the door and kicking it all the way open with his foot. "Why the fuck wouldn't it be unlocked?"

  
You just shrug and let him drag you inside. "An assumption."

  
"So you just wanted to make an ass out of yourself again." Karkat nods, leading you through the entryway and into the main hall. Fuck, this place is huge.

  
And your dad said crime didn't pay.

  
"That was the plan, yeah."

  
Karkat is still gripping your sleeve tightly for no conceivable reason. You're both just standing there, staring at his unmoving gray hand against the bright red fabric. You sort of want him to lower his hand so it's closer to your palm instead of by your elbow.

  
Karkat removes his hand altogether, and you both are left standing by each other with your arms at your sides and not in each other's like you still sort of wanted.

  
Because you were pretty sure his hands were still close to freezing. You just wanted to help him thaw them out a little.

  
That was all.

  
There's movement from a nearby room, and you can hear the source approach.

  
"Karkat, is that you? You're back early." A little white carapace woman enters your field of vision, dressed up in pastel scrubs. She stops when she sees you.

  
Karkat takes a step a little further away from you, closer to the woman. You take it this must be his mom. "I could say the same thing about you. Weren't you supposed to be working late at the hospital?"

  
"They ended up scheduling too many nurses, and they let me come back early. They said I worked too many hours this week, anyway." She shrugs casually before her attention is drawn to Karkat's head. Namely, the injury. "What happened?"

  
The carapace lady-Karkat's mom-has her hands on his face and is examining the wound closely. "It doesn't look too bad. I think just cleaning and bandaging should be fine, but I'll hav to get a closer examination in better lighting to determine if you need stitches or not."

  
Whoa, stitches? Seriously? It honestly didn't seem that bad.

  
"I'm not sure if stitches are necessary." You interrupt.

  
Great. Your first time meeting his mom and you question her medical opinion. Smooth move, Dave. Real. Fucking. Smooth.

  
"That's true." She nods, hands still on Karkat's face and not looking at you. "That's why I wanted to get a better look at it somewhere else. Upstairs maybe?"

  
Karkat's eyes slide over to you for a moment, like he wants confirmation to leave you down here by yourself. You nod.

  
"Yeah, okay, upstairs is fine."

  
She takes him by that hand you were just having thoughts about and starts to lead him up the stairs. "You should come, too. Maybe you could explain to me what happened and why you're both back so soon? And where are Jack and Kanaya?"

  
Karkat clears his throat uncomfortably. "I'll tell you about it after getting my head examined."

  
"In the meantime, I'll tell you what I know." You add.

  
"You're better off waiting. Talking to Dave about it will probably be like talking to a delirious fucking ass pan about it."

  
"Language."

  
"Sorry."

  
"Well, he's not wrong." You shrug. You're mostly being ignored, which you're totally fine with. The three of you reach the top of the stairs and what do you know? It's another hallway. Surprising.

  
As someone who lives in a small apartment in a building that's deliberately shaped like a can, you're very confused by the amount of space that's just hallway in big houses like these.

  
You don't say anything about it now, though. You'll hang on to that comment when you're alone with Karkat again and the conversation lulls. For now, you just trail him and his mom down the hall.

  
There's a room at the end of the hall, which also doesn't provide much of a shock. What does provide something of a shock is the room itself.

  
It looks like the fucking nurse's office.

  
Seriously, picture the nurse's office at school. Any nurse's office.

  
Weird lighting, vague scent of antiseptic for literally no reason, spinny chairs, generic looking medical supplies not to be used for big issues like broken bones or chicken pox.

  
That's what this room looked like, and you were unable to determine why without asking.

  
You decide not to ask and take a seat in a spinny chair. You fucking love these things.

  
Neither of them are paying attention to you as you spin around slowly and watch them. You still didn't think Karkat's injury looked stitches worthy, even in the better lighting.

  
Karkat's mom, who's still leaning over him and looking at the injury, seems to agree with your diagnosis.

  
"I don't think it'll need stitches, after all. As for internal cranial damage, I'm sure you're fine but I can't determine that for certain without an explanation of what happened."

  
Her eyes slide accusingly over to you. You wonder if she knows you're the one Karkat got into a fight with awhile ago. You really hope she doesn't.

  
"He hit his head going down the escape tunnel." You say for lack of conversation topics. You don't mention that Jack was the one who threw him down into the tunnel in the first place or anything about the raid. Karkat can tell her that. "He's probably fine, though, he's got a pretty thick skull."

  
"Not as thick as yours, x-rays can't even penetrate that lead thick dome. That's probably for the best, considering it's hollow and just has blood sloshing around uselessly inside it occasionally."

  
"I'm going to get some bandages." His mom says as she gets up and leaves your line of sight.

  
Karkat's looking at you with a weird expression on his face. Like he has something he wants to say, but isn't sure if he should or just doesn't know how to phrase it.

  
It's a very not-Karkat type of face.

  
"Dude, what?"

  
Karkat jumps, just slightly but enough for you to know that you took him by surprise. "Nothing, fuck off."

  
You shrug. "Okay, sorry."

  
"No," he sighs, running a hand through his hair, carefully avoiding the scratch, "wait, that's not what I meant. What I meant to say was...thanks."

  
You're a bit taken aback by the sudden show of appreciation. "Thanks for what?"

  
"For...for acting normal during this whole fucking mess. I know you were freaked out-"

  
"I wouldn't say 'freaked out'."

  
"Don't interrupt me when I'm in the middle of showing my gratitude, cum slut."

  
"Alright, sorry, continue praising me, please." You nod for him to continue.

  
Karkat clears his throat and stares down at his lap and enunciating every word with painstaking precision. "Like I was saying, I know you were freaked out by it, and the fact that you, you know, stopped me from going back and getting myself arrested or...more injured or something...it didn't go unnoticed. You being as devastatingly infuriating as usual was...really helpful. It almost took my mind off of Kanaya and the Dreamer and all that shit that went down. So...thanks. For being you."

  
You quirk a smile. "For you, babe, I'd be me anytime."

  
You offer him a finger gun and wink, but of course he doesn't see you wink because it's obscured by your shades. He flinches like he was shot by your imaginary bullet.

  
"Never again, would be nice."

  
"Now that I can't do."

  
"Well, fuck."

  
That's when his mom comes back, carrying a wet rag and bandages. She uses her empty hand to swat Karkat in the arm. "Karkat, language. We discussed this."

  
"Sorry."

  
"Here, look at me." She says, raising the rag up to Karkat's face and wiping away the excess blood that dried there. "Dave, why don't you tell me about yourself? You're one of two new members I know next to nothing about. All I really know about you is that you go to school with Karkat and Kanaya."

  
"Well, what more is there to know?" You shrug.

  
"For starters, how did you two meet?"

  
"Me and Kanaya or me and Karkat?"

  
"You and Karkat. How interesting is the story of how you and Kanaya met?"

  
"I think it's plenty interesting, but I'm pretty biased about it. Plus I'd have to give you context that I'm not sure I have the go-ahead to give."

  
She mulls it over in her head as she continues cleaning up the cut. It definitely doesn't look too bad without all the flaky pseudo-scabbing. "Start with how you and Karkat met, and I'll think about if I want to know how you met Kanaya."

  
"Good choice." You say with approval. "I met Karkat at the jail."

  
"What were you doing at jail?" She asks. She's done cleaning and begins bandaging.

  
"I was waiting for someone" You answer truthfully.

  
"Who were you waiting for?"

  
"My dad."

  
"Really?" She looks over at you for a second while she finishes up. "What did he do?"

  
What was with all of these questions? "What does it matter?"

  
"Jesus, Dave, what are you acting so cagey about? Just tell her." Karkat says, looking past her and to you pointedly. "Now I want to know. You never did tell me why you were there. What the fuck did your father do, Dave?"

  
Had a longer shift than usual. Offered to go undercover in the Crew.

  
They're both looking at you expectantly, waiting for you to answer.

  
You don't know what you're going to say. You really screwed the pooch on this one.

  
You open your mouth to respond, when suddenly, by some act of god, you're saved by the bell.

  
Okay, it's more like a chime or a buzz or whatever. Point is, your phone goes off, and you have an excuse not to answer the question.

  
"Hold that thought." You say to her, holding up a finger to indicate a pause in your conversation.

GA: I See The Memo Is Still Open I Am Not Sure If This Is A Good Thing Or Not For Now I Will Just Say That It Is And Hope I Am Right  
TG: yeah i think karkat just forgot to close it in the confusion or maybe he left it open for this exact reason who knows not me probably karkat but i dont want to bug him about it you know  
TG: anyway were both fine for the most part how are you kanaya  
GA: I Managed To Exit The Situation Unscathed  
TG: cool cool same here  
TG: karkat not so much

"Hey, it's Kanaya." You inform Karkat. "She's fine, by the way."

  
"Kanaya?" Karkat repeats excitedly, standing up. "I need to talk to her. Where the fuck's my phone?"

GA: What Do You Mean Karkat Not So Much Is He Okay  
GA: Dave  
GA: Dave What Is Happening Is Karkat Okay  
GA: Is My Moirail Safe Yes Or No Dave This Is Not A Hard Question To Answer In Theory  
TG: what no sorry youre right thats not a hard question to answer theoretically karkats fine sorry to freak you out like that he just got a cut on his head it looks worse that it really is you know how it is with head injuries i was just watching him tear the place up looking for his phone he forgot where he put it  
GA: I See So Karkats Fine Thats Good And How Are You Dave  
TG: fine thanks for asking and pretending to be concerned about my well being  
GA: My Concern Was Genuine  
TG: thank you  
GA: If Anything Were To Happen To You How Would I Ever Tell Your Sister  
TG: of course  
GA: You And Karkat Escaped The Raid I Assume You Took The Tunnel And Are Back At Karkats Hive  
TG: you would assume correctly were currently chilling with his mom she seems cool if a little nosey  
GA: She Questions Everyone  
TG: yeah no i get it you gotta be careful with who you let into a gang as high profile as this one i feel her there  
GA: No You Misunderstand She Questions All Of Karkats Friends  
GA: So You Two Are At The House Thats Good I Am Approaching The Door As We Speak  
TG: awesome just walk in its unlocked were upstairs in the nurses office

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased responding to memo

"Karkat, give it up, bro. She's coming right this fucking minute, you don't need to respond to the board."

  
Karkat glares at you, rolling his eyes. He'd just found his phone and was literally about to open up pesterchum when you said that. "That's funny coming from you, Mr. I-Can't-Not-Respond-To-An-Open-Board."  
"Well, you can't spell hypocrite without Dave."

  
"Yes you can."

  
"Not the way I spell it."

  
"I'm legitimately worried you might be illiterate, Dave. Or at least the worst fucking speller in the history of the universe."

  
"I hope so, I always wanted to win a record. Granted, my money was on biggest dick-"

  
"If you mean being the biggest dick, you're on the forefront of that one, too."

  
"I believe the correct term is foreskin."

  
Karkat looks horrified, and it takes you a minute to figure out why, considering that's not the worst thing you've ever said to him.

  
His mom is still present. You just said that in front of your friend's mom. Good job, you. Awesome.

  
"Hello?" There's a tentative knock at the door. "Is anyone in here or did Dave lie to me?"

  
"We're all in here!" You shout to Kanaya from the closed door. "I'm not a liar and I resent that comment against my character."

  
Karkat's up and running to the door before you even finish your sentence, flinging it open before Kanaya even has a chance to respond.

  
Kanaya blinks. "Hello."

  
She looks completely fine to you. Karkat must agree, because you can see him visibly relax at the sight of her. "Hi."

  
That's the breaking point. You don't even get to greet Kanaya before they're both on each other, touching each other's faces and examining their bodies for injury.

  
"I'm sorry I left, I didn't want to, I should have been there, are you alright? You're fine, right? You look okay, but I don't have a medical degree and I know fuckall about this sort of shit. Mom, does Kanaya look alright?"

  
Karkat's talking so fast and almost panicky that you're not even sure he's breathing between sentences. You can barely tell what he's saying, honestly. Apparently the girls can, though.

  
"Kanaya looks like she's fine." His mom answers.

  
"Yes, I'm fine." Kanaya confirms with a nod. "But what about you, Karkat? What happened to your head?"

  
Kanaya stretches out a hand and pokes the bandage lightly. Karkat turns his head away from the touch, you're guessing it was less than pleasant. Kanaya retracts her hands and folds them in front of her, looking guilty for possibly irritating the probably still tender cut.

  
"Did Slick come back with you, Kanaya?" Karkat's mom interrupts, changing the subject.

  
Kanaya shakes her head. "No, he didn't."

  
"Oh." The little carapace woman deflates a little, worry in her eyes. "Do you know where he is? Is he okay?"

  
"Yes, he's fine. Or, he was fine when I left. I'll give a more detailed explanation soon, I promise, but there's something that I had to talk to Karkat about first."

  
"Right now?"

  
"Especially now. This only strengthens the argument towards my favor, I think. Of course, I can't be certain until we have the actual conversation." She says before adding emphatically, "In private."

  
She holds out a hand for Karkat to take, and he does so without thinking about it. You wonder what could have changed between earlier and now that made Kanaya reconsider continuing the conversation on the board with you, Aradia, and Feferi present. Obviously it was something to do with the raid. Other than that, you're clueless.

  
"Dave." Karkat's waving a hand in front of your face. You should seriously work on this whole zoning out thing. But hey, at least this time you weren't thinking about anything inappropriate, right?

  
"Yeah?"

  
"Don't wait up."

  
"Oh, wow, okay, sure. Like I don't have anything better to do."

  
"That's the thing, you really don't." Karkat calls over his shoulder before disappearing with Kanaya to go talk in private.

  
You assure yourself it's probably just weird moirail shit.

  
You're left alone with Karkat's mom, you realize, and you don't know what to say to her.

  
"Um.."

  
Yeah, that's a good start.

  
"Yes, Dave?" She asks politely.

  
"I just realized you know my name but I only know you as Karkat's mom."

  
"And?" She urges you to continue.

  
"And I'd like to call you something besides Karkat's mom. You know, like a name or something."

  
"Most people just call me Ms. Paint."

  
"Okay, I can work with that." You nod. "Wait, aren't you married?"

  
"Yes, but I kept my maiden name."

  
"Okay."

  
The two of you lapse into an awkward silence. You are once again saved by your phone.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dad won't be coming home tonight or tomorrow. I was told to inform you of this new development.  
TG: well gee thanks sis so was everybody else already briefed on this info or is it just me is this like one of those things i have to pass on down the line like a chain email or that game telephone where you get all up in a person's personal ear canal and whisper seductively into their ear and wait for other people to eventually fuck up what you said because of ear wax or weird speech or whatever  
TG: which was really funny until you actually had to tell people what you said  
TG: its all fun and games until you have to admit you didnt say john muzzles his gun and you actually said john guzzles cum now thats just embarrassing rose  
TT: Trauma from our twelfth birthday party aside, yes, this is similar to a game of telephone. Dad told Dirk, who told me, I told you, and now you have to tell Roxy.  
TG: why didnt dirk just open up a memo then he could have gotten us all at once and this could have been avoided what the hell dirk way to really drop the ball no sports trophy for you not even the consolation prize trophy or the participation one thats a thing now for some reason no you get no proof you were ever here you were that sucky at the sport  
TT: Because with the memos you have to choose settings and give permission for who can and can not answer. It was honestly much simpler to just click one of our handles and leave a quick message.  
TT: For instance, this conversation should have gon something like this.  
TT: Dave, dad won't be coming home tonight or tomorrow, pass it on.  
TT: And then you would do so.  
TG: but is that what you really want from me rose a quick and easy not to mention painless conversation where you just say what you were going to say and then be done with that thats ridiculous rose youre ridiculous why are you doing that its such a subversion of your character i dont like it please bring back old rose who actually liked to talk to me where is she wheres my sister  
TG: yo rose where you at  
TG: anyway ill talk to roxy no worries see you tomorrow  
TT: Of course. You're over at Karkat's, right?  
TG: yes i am i am spending the night its shaping up to be awesome even better than sleepovers at johns house  
TG: i mean were not watching con air and theres been no mention of nic cage so yeah its going well  
TT: Yes, it really sounds like it is. Would you and Karkat do me just one favor?  
TG: yeah sure what  
TT: Remember to use protection.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

"Holy shit, I hate my sister." You mumble to yourself.

  
"You have a sister?" You forgot Ms. Paint was here, but she's looking at you like she's genuinely interested.

  
"Yeah, I got two sisters and a brother. We're quadruplets. Speaking of which, I gotta talk to my other sister real quick."

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TG: hey roxy i got news for you  
TG: dave wazzzzzzzuuuuuuup  
TG: not much just chilling at karkats wazzup with you my favorite sis  
TG: im ur fav *le gaps*  
TG: *gasp  
TG: was that the news  
TG: no thats always just been motherfucking fact you are my favorite sister and rose can go suck it anyway the news is knock knock  
TG: whos there  
TG: i dunno but its not dad for the next two days thats for sure  
TG: what why  
TG: i probably should have asked that when i had rose on the line but nope all i talked about was when we used to play telephone remember when we used to play telephone roxy that game was the shit  
TG: hells yeah i remember that game  
TG: hey member that time we played when we were all turnin like twelve forever ago  
TG: yeah i remember lets not rehash embarrassing things ive said to your boyfriend in the past  
TG: okay well were laughing about it now  
TG: im laughing bout it but john just looks super embarrassed tbh  
TG: its cute  
TG: im with him there in the super embarrassment section of walmart as well they are now having a sale on the super embarrassment and extreme regret over past mistakes see theyre in powder form now and you can just mix that shit in with your coffee as a dairy free creamer replacement and its now considered part of a healthy balanced breakfast  
TG: the only downside is if you take in too much of it at once it makes everything taste super fucking bitter  
TG: i bet youre cute too dave  
TG: excuse you im cute no matter what face im making  
TG: you know what they say curse of the strilondes  
TG: preach  
TG: so youre hanging at johns house how scandalous roxy i expected better of you  
TG: im staying over with my homegirl janey  
TG: john being her live in cuz was just a bonus *wank wink*  
TG: *wink wunk  
TG: *wenk wenk  
TG: okay seriously fml why cant i just write wink wink  
TG: oh wait there it is  
TG: shit like this is why youre my favorite  
TG: anyway i know you wouldnt be doing anything too bad there and if you were hey no judgement just keep it on the down low unless you get some because i will totally fist bump you after that or maybe high five if you prefer  
TG: i just dont want the mad deets  
TG: no actually i might want the mad deets  
TG: just be tasteful about it  
TG: and by that i mean be as filthy and disgusting with your language as possible i dont want to be able to look at john the same way again after we have our heart to heart roxy  
TG: i dunno if im the type to brag about it but if im gonna then i want some sweet compensation  
TG: i got like twenty dollars to my name how much friend smut will that buy me  
TG: no money  
TG: only deets  
TG: i wanna hear bout my bros bf  
TG: i dont want to be able to look at him the same way ever again too  
TG: no wait actually new plan better plan  
TG: lay it on me  
TG: i wanna fuckin meet him  
TG: meet him  
TG: *meat  
TG: *no wait i was right the first time meet  
TG: fuck yeah everybody else got to meet him now i wanna  
TG: okay no not everybody else rose met him thats all  
TG: and so did john and jade  
TG: they were already friends with him im not even sure if they know were a thing  
TG: yeah john seemed confused when jane mentioned spying you guys out on a date earlier  
TG: he was all like theyre just bros i think  
TG: and then i said bros with benefits and janey laughed and waggled her eyebrows at him and then we all had a pillow fight  
TG: it was fun  
TG: anyways when do i get to meet your new beau dave i heard youre both adorbs together i wanna see  
TG: no were not adorbs or whatever word jane probably actually used to describe us but ill see what i can do about getting you two in a room together to get your interrogation on  
TG: you and rose always liked to play that when we were little remember it was like good cop occultist cop  
TG: i should probably make sure dirks there too since hes been itching to meet him too i guess  
TG: ill see how his schedule works out for tomorrow but i better get some sicknasty descriptions for this one roxy  
TG: ill write down everything that happens and then read it out loud to you  
TG: awesome storytime remember not to skip over the dirty bits  
TG: wouldnt think of it

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

You close your phone and slip it back into the big pocket of your sweatshirt. Ms. Paint is still in the room with you, reading a book. You're not sure if you should interrupt her or not.

  
She must have felt your stare, because she closes the book and looks at you.

  
"What's it like?" She asks you, tilting her head. "Having all those siblings?"

  
You shrug. "It's alright. I love them all, but they can be annoying sometimes. You know how teenagers are. Plus it's always super crowded, but there's five of us and we all live in one of those can-partment things."

  
She nods. "I considered more kids. Adoption, having our own, either worked for me. We definitely have the space for it. Slick didn't think it was a good idea, though."

  
"Well, why the fuck not?"

  
"He thought we already had our hands full with Karkat at the time, and he just wasn't interested in having any more."

  
"How did you two meet, anyway? No offense, but you don't seem like the type to hang around seedy casinos or be involved in drug trafficking or something."

  
She laughs. "I'm really not, or I wasn't before. We met at the hospital, he was one of my patients. You know that scar on his eye?" She gestures towards her own eye, as if you hadn't noticed it on him. You nod. "I stitched that up."

  
"Impressive." You seriously mean it. "So you had Florence Nightingale syndrome?"

  
She shakes her head. "No, actually he was the one who approached me. It's actually a really nice story. What happened was-"

  
"I'm sorry to interrupt." Kanaya says, clearing her throat. She looks distressed and upset, nothing like you assume a person is supposed to look like after spending a significant amount of time with their moirail. "I promised you an explanation, Ms. Paint."

  
She nods and stands up, abandoning her book on her chair and you in the room. They both leave, and Kanaya closes the door behind her.

  
Whatever they're going to talk about seems like it's serious business.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: yo karkat what happened i just saw kanaya and she looked less than great what did you guys talk about  
CG: SHE SAID  
TG: yeah what did she say  
TG: come on karkat thats the weirdest cliff hanger ever dont leave me hanging  
TG: karkat  
CG: YOU KNOW, TRYING TO TYPE IT OUT FEELS WEIRD. I'D RATHER TELL YOU IN PERSON. CAN YOU COME TO MY ROOM?  
TG: in most cases i would say sure thing but in this case i say bro i dont know where the fuck that is  
CG: DO YOU NEED A MAP? DO YOU NEED ME TO STAND OUTSIDE OF IT AND POINT IT OUT TO YOU? DO YOU NEED ME TO HOLD YOUR FUCKING HAND AND COUNT THE STEPS FROM THAT DOOR TO MINE OUT LOUD FOR YOU WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY RECITING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? SHOULD I CARRY YOU? IS THAT WHAT YOU NEED, DAVE?  
TG: well yeah but you dont have to be an asshole about it ive only been to your house twice before this and neither of those times were to your room of course i dont know where it is  
CG: I KNOW, I KNOW, SORRY. I JUST.....SOME THINGS WERE SAID, AND I HAVE A FUCK TON OF STUFF I HAVE TO PROCESS RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO VENT SOME, YOU KNOW? ARE WE COOL?  
TG: yeah i get it alright ill let it slide this time partially because that was pretty weak for venting seriously that was pretty subpar for you anyway is there any way i could identify your room from the other rooms  
CG: MINE'S THE ONLY DOOR THAT'S OPEN, YOU DUMB STUPID IDIOT.  
TG: weak

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

It doesn't take you very long to find his room, you just wander the hall for not even a minute and, like he said, literally only one door's open. You knock.

  
"Hey, Karkat, everything cool in here?"

  
"Close the door behind you." He responds, and you do so.

  
The room's pretty dark. There's no lights on except for a little desk lamp that you think is set at the dimmest setting possible.

  
"What did you and Kanaya talk about?" You ask as you stand by the door awkwardly. You try to look cool by leaning against it, but you don't think it's working.

  
"Lots of shit." He replies vaguely from his desk. He's not looking at you, instead working on whatever it is in front of him. "Why don't you sit down?"

  
"I would, but there don't seem to be any seats left. Unless you wanted me to sit on your desk and play sexy secretary."

  
"What, are you too good to sit on my bed, Dave?" He snaps at you.

  
You take a seat on the very edge of his bed, and it sinks beneath your weight. "You're a troll, why the fuck do you have a bed? Where's your pod thing?"

  
"My recuperacoon? I don't have one. Sopor slime's expensive as shit, and your primitive government agencies seem to think sleeping in sedative substances is a fucking luxury, so it would cost too much money to replace my supply every month. If I lived in Little Alternia, it would be free, since it's still considered sovereign from the rest of the planet, but I don't, so I'd have to pay for the pleasure of a fucking dreamless sleep."

  
"Sorry." It sounds like it might be a sore subject for him. "Hey, why don't you come over here? Talking to the back of your head's weird."

  
He nods. "Yeah, yeah it probably is fucking weird."

  
Karkat gets up and trudges over to the bed, sitting in the middle and practically hugging his knees to his chest. He pats the spot in front of him. "You can come up more on the bed, if you want. You're barely even on."

  
You decide that's probably a good idea and crawl up and towards the center, just a few feet away from Karkat. "Alright, so what happened?"

  
Karkat sighs and rests his chin on his knees, eyes locked on a random spot on the bed. "Kanaya said...she thinks I should quit the Crew."

  
"What?" You can't believe what he just said.

  
"Yeah. She's been thinking that for awhile, actually. At least, that's what she told me. She said that as my moirail, she can't condone me putting myself in harm's way on purpose all the time like I've been doing, and that this...the raid...only proved her point." One of his hands strokes near the bandage on his face. "She said I'm not cut out for this type of shit. For crime. For the Midnight Crew."

  
You nod, not really sure how to respond to this. "It sounds like she was really worried about you."

  
Karkat curls a bit more inwardly, but still won't meet your eyes. "Yeah, she was. She wanted me to join the KOB."

  
"That thing Aradia's joining?"

  
"Yeah, that. She said that there was no way the KOB wouldn't let me in, considering my...situation with the spectrum along with my track record for color blind organizations. She said I wouldn't have to hide my blood color any more."

  
"Yeah, I can see where she's coming from with that. Like I said, she clearly just wants you to be safe, since you're her moirail and all, and you did get hurt-"

  
"No, that's not why she was worried." Karkat interrupts. "At least, not the only reason. Dave, Slick was...he was arrested tonight. He didn't make it out."

  
You're honestly shocked. "But Kanaya said he was fine!"

  
"Yeah, physically, he was fine. Thank fuck the cops didn't hurt him or something. But still, he got caught and now he's on his way to fucking jail. I don't think the police really have anything to keep him there longer than a few days, maybe a week, but he still was arrested and that's...that's not something any of us thought we'd ever have to deal with. It's not something I ever thought I'd have to deal with."

  
"Fuck, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" You're reaching out to pat him on the shoulder until you remember what happened the other times you tried to show sympathy and retract your hand. You think you almost see him smile at your repetitively stupid antics.

  
"Yeah, I'm okay. Or I will be, later, when I've had time to process all this shit. It all just happened so suddenly and I took it out on Kanaya. I'm going to have to talk to her in the morning and apologize for all that shit I said to her. She didn't mean anything by it, and I know she was just trying to be a good moirail but...fuck, it was just such awful, shitty timing and I couldn't take it all at once."

  
"Dude, she probably knows." Comforting was never your strong suit. Comforting while trying to remain as nonquadrant platonic as possible? Weirdly huge challenge. "I bet you'll both be fine in the morning and everything will go back to normal."

  
"Do you actually think that or are you just saying that?"

  
"Both. I both think that and am willing to stake my reputation on it by saying so out loud." You flop down onto the bed so you get a good look at the bare ceiling as your back sinks into the mattress. "I think we should shift conversation gears at this point, at least to get your mind off of this super intense shit that just went down so you have time to process it fully later, when it's not all fresh and volatile in your mind, yeah?"

  
Karkat nods above you and relaxes, finally releasing his death grip on his legs. "Yeah. But what the fuck do we talk about?"

  
"I dunno." You shrug. Fuck, this bed is comfy. "Whatever you want, man."

  
Karkat stands up suddenly and jumps off his bed, going back over to his desk. "You said you were going to help me out with my lusus, right, Dave?"

  
You sit up and regret it immediately because now you're not laying down on soft bed and are laying on nothing. "Yeah, I did say that. Did you need help with anything?"

  
He sits back down at his desk and opens up his laptop. "You might be somewhat useful, depending on what you can do. Do you know how to hack into government document systems?"

  
"No, but my sister Roxy does. Should I ask her?" You get up and go join him at his desk. There's a corkboard above it covered in really old looking pictures and string. It looks straight out of a crime drama.

  
"No," Karkat sighs, shaking his head, "if I wanted outside help I would have fucking asked Sollux."

  
"Well, why didn't you?"

  
"Because I don't accept outside help in these situations unless they know what's going on. I would do it myself, but the last time I tried to fucking hack into anything, my husktop exploded."

  
"Holy shit, what the fuck did you do?" You laugh incredulously.

  
Karkat furrows his eyebrows at you. "I..put out the fire? What the fuck else would I do?"

  
"No, I mean how did you get your husktop to explode."

  
"I'm not actually one hundred percent sure what I did to it to make it do that. Probably I read it some Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comics out loud or something."

  
"Insult me more, that really makes me want to help you."

  
"Sorry." Karkat replies unapologetic. "That's just a demonstration of how shit I am at being tech savvy."

  
"Yeah, I feel you there. I mean, I've never blown anything up, except other people's minds with my sick beats, but I'm definitely no genius when it comes to technology. Like I said, my sister Roxy? Every other week I swear she plays 90's hacker from how often she's sitting at her computer, typing away and saying she's in or whatever. I don't even thinks she's talking to anyone, to be honest, I'm prety sure that's for show so she can feel cool."

  
Karkat crosses his arms and glares at you suspiciously. "Why do you keep mentioning your sister?"

  
Now seems like a great time to investigate the photos and not look Karkat in his yellow-grey eyes. "Because I told her we might come by my place tomorrow. She really wants to meet you."

  
"And why the fuck would I want to meet her?"

  
"Because she's cool and has the awesomest brother on the planet and you could get some sweet hacks from it if you play your cards right. And by play your cards right I mean ask, because she'd probably do it anyway."

  
There's a lot of pictures of this big, white, hard shelled monster pinned to the board that you think must be Karkat's lusus. It still weirds you out that trolls are traditionally raised by monsters who can't even technically speak, but who are you to judge.

  
Karkat sighs and drops his hands into his lap. "I'd rather fucking not, but I guess if I have to then I will. I'll see if my schedule's free."

  
While he's doing that, you investigate the board further. There are other pictures on here, too, though most of them do appear to be of Karkat's lusus and sometimes Karkat with his lusus, but there's one that sticks out, and you for the life of you can't figure out why without getting a closer look.

  
Karkat's in this one with another troll, and they both look, you'd estimate, maybe about four years old. You're shit with ages, though, so that can't be said for certain. Karkat's not smiling in the picture, but he's not scowling, either. It doesn't really matter, the other troll is smiling wide enough for the both of them.

  
She seems familiar, but off somehow. Like you know her, but a different her. If trolls did the whole siblings thing you'd venture to guess she's a sister of someone you know.

  
You're practically poking holes in the picture with how intense your stare is as you try to pinpoint what's wrong with it.

  
Hair, clothes, skin, horns, they all check out to be one hundred percent normal troll. You think it might be the eyes. It's the eyes that are throwing you off. Well, that and the youthful exterior, of course.

  
She has these big, totally normal troll eyes. Pupils, iris, sclera, the works. Honestly, that shouldn't be throwing you off, not unless-

  
Holy shit.

  
Holy fucking shit, it is.

  
You clear your throat and try to sound as casual as possible. "Hey, Karkat, who's this?"

  
You point out the picture and Karkat looks at it briefly. "That's me and Terezi. She was there when it all happened. Honestly, I think I only escaped that alive off of a combination of dumb luck and Terezi Pyrope."

  
So Karkat and Terezi knew each other when they were kids.

  
Terezi was there when Karkat's lusus was killed, which means that the nameless friend from Terezi's story was Karkat.

  
Terezi thinks he's dead.

  
"What happened to her?" You ask, even though you already know.

  
"I'm not sure. I know she got to the hospital, but that's about it. I don't know if she died, or if she just didn't want to see me anymore after all the trouble I'd caused her. I really wouldn't blame her if that was the case."

  
He's wrong, she thinks he's dead.

  
"Hey, so I have this super cool neighbor across the hall that I think you should meet tomorrow, too." You say. "I think you'd really like her."

He rolls his eyes. "Do I get anything out of meeting her?"

  
"Oh, believe me, you'll get something out of it, alright." You nod. "But I'm keeping it a surprise."

  
Tomorrow, if all goes according to your hastily made plan, you'll reunite two estranged friends, and it'll be fucking awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some parts of this chapter felt a little OOC, and for that I apologize. Sorry about that.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another long chapter, I have a feeling they'll all be kind of longish from here on out.  
> A few things about this chapter:  
> 1\. There's a change in pov from Dave to Karkat about halfway through the chapter. Karkat's a hard viewpoint to write from, and I'm hoping I did an okay job at it. I have a greater appreciation for people who write from his perspective all the time.  
> 2\. I've never written anything that's as emotionally charged as this is supposed to be. Anyway, I tried. *shrug*  
> 3\. Finally, I hope you like this chapter. :)

On second though, maybe bringing the both of them together again as a surprise isn't such a great idea. Yes, you definitely still think they should meet up, but maybe having it be a total surprise was a recipe for potential backfiring. That was the last thing you wanted right now.

  
You should at least check and see if Terezi was free tomorrow.

  
You sneak a glance over to Karkat. The two of you had reached a lapse in conversation a few moments earlier, not because you'd run out of things to talk about, it was mostly because Karkat was too focused on whatever he was trying to do on his laptop.

  
He doesn't seem to be paying attention to you much at all. You take the opportunity to pester Terezi.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]

TG: hey terezi you got plans tomorrow or are you free  
GC: D4V3 WH4T TH3 H3LL 1TS 3 4M  
GC: 1 KNOW COOLK1DS DONT N33D SL33P BUT TH1S 1S R1D1CULOUS  
TG: just answer the question and ill be out of your weird spikey hair in a minute and you can get back to pretending to sleep or whatever it is cool troll kids do  
TG: eat some sopor and go stab something with your cane  
TG: vandalize a wall with an intricate chalk mural  
TG: watch tv all night until the sun rises and it turns into preschool shows  
TG: drink a beer and eat a fish stick i dunno what kids do these days  
GC: TH4T SOUNDS 4BOUT R1GHT  
GC: 1 WOULD N3V3R DO 4NY OF THOS3 TH1NGS 3XC3PT M4YB3 TH3 MUR4L TH1NG BUT 1T SOUNDS R1GHT  
TG: yes i was right i am hip with the kids and also the lingo  
TG: are you avoiding my question on purpose or whats the deal here i mean i love talking with you and all but like you said its late and i was just asking this one thing and then i was gonna leave you alone remember  
GC: NO 1M GONN4 4VO1D TH3 QU3ST1ON 4S LONG 4S POSS1BL3 SO W3 BOTH H4V3 TO ST4Y 4W4K3 4ND D3AL W1TH 1T  
GC: YOUR3 NOT SL33P1NG UNT1L 1 S4Y SO  
TG: okay thats crazy and totally not your usual mo what is up with this terezi why have you forsaken me  
GC: YOUV3 N3V3R D34LT W1TH M3 4T 3 1N TH3 FUCK1NG MORN1NG D4V3  
TG: i dont think i like 3 in the fucking morning terezi  
GC: 3 1N TH3 FUCK1NG MORN1NG T3R3Z1 DO3SNT L1K3 YOU 31TH3R SH3 1S US1NG 4N 4G3 OLD T4CT1C C4LL3D SP1T3 4G41NST YOU SO YOU H4V3 TO D34L W1TH TH3 EXH4UAST1NG CONS3QU3NC3S OF YOUR 4CT1ONS  
TG: again that doesnt sound like you except for that part where it almost seemed like you were gonna roleplay and like ive told you a hundred fucking times before im not that interested if you wanna rp in the middle of the night go bug nepeta i mean isnt that what having a girlfriend is for  
GC: FUCK Y34H  
GC: R3C3NTLY THOUGH OUR ROL3PL4Y H4S B33N CROSS1NG 4 L1N3 1NTO FOR3PL4Y >;]  
TG: terezi no i dont need to know about whatever kinky shit you have going on with nepeta i mean i dont tell you whatever the fuck im doing with my boyfriend do I  
TG: no because i have some common fucking courtesy and i know youre not actually interested in that shit  
GC: WH4T 4RE YOU DO1NG W1TH YOUR BOYFR13ND D4V3 LOOK 4T M3 1M SO 1NT3R3ST3D  
GC: 1 4CTU4LLY 4M WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG  
GC: L4ST T1M3 1 T4LK3D TO YOU 4BOUT TH1S YOU W3R3 D3NY1NG B31NG 1NT3R3ST3D 1N H1M 4ND NOW YOUR3 4LL BOYFR13ND/BOYFR13ND WH4TS W1TH TH4T TURN OF 3V3NTS 1 D3M4ND 4N 3XPL4N4T1ON  
GC: 1S TH4T WH3R3 YOU 4RE R1GHT NOW

You look over to Karkat, your boyfriend-for-pretend, as he types at his computer, lip curled upwards in a snarl. What the fuck are you supposed to tell Terezi right now? That you're just watching him do...whatever the fuck he's doing?

  
Karkat stops typing and sighs wearily. "Did you want something, Dave? You keep staring at me."

  
"What? No, I don't. I stared for like a second."

  
His gaze turns accusatory. "You've been doing it all night, did you think I was too fucking obtuse to notice?"

  
"You can't prove anything."

  
"Okay, fine, whatever." He snaps, rolling his eyes and turning back to his work. "Just stop staring at me, it's making me uncomfortable."

  
"Sorry, it's just..."

  
Karkat raises an eyebrow. "It's just what, Dave?"

  
You're not actually sure what it just was. Apparently your brain had hit a dead end on that train of thought without telling your mouth first, and now that locomotive was heading straight towards cliffside.

  
"You look like shit."

  
"Wow, thanks."

  
"No, I mean, you look fucking exhausted. You look like death warmed over in a really dirty, shit-tastic gas station microwave."

  
"Really boosting my self image up right now, Dave. I needed that."

  
"No, I don't mean it as an insult!" You're floundering at this point as words fail to describe what you actually mean. "All I fucking meant to say was that you looked tired as shit and should maybe stop whatever the fuck it is you're even doing and go to bed or something? What the fuck are you doing, anyway?"

  
Great redirection, Dave. Good job.

  
Karkat turns his glare from you to his computer screen and scowls at it, clearly not pleased with whatever outcome his work has brought. "I was trying one last time to hack into the government archives so I could get my prawns on some of the cull records before I hand the reigns to this diseased hoofbeast of an idea over to your apparently capable hacker sister. It was either that or shoot it in the head and come up with a new plan, at this point."

  
"Cull records? You guys keep records of the people you execute?"

  
"And their crimes against the Empire, yeah."

  
"That's so fucking barbaric."

  
"Your species does the same exact fucking thing!" He contends, pointing at you. He's almost shouting. "You punish people with death and keep their crimes documented just like we do. The only difference is that when we do it, we don't feel guilty about it afterwards."

  
You hold your hands up in surrender. "Okay, fair point, but a lot of places don't have the death penalty anymore and those that do only use it for the big crimes like, you know, killing another person. There are way more differences between your guys's view of what kind of offense deserves capital punishment and a human's view of it. Weren't you supposed to be culled for bleeding a weird color?"

  
He flinches at the mention and turns back to his screen, and you sort of regret bringing it up. At least he seems less angry than before. One of his hands clutches at the material of his sweater, right above where his big scar lies.

  
"Yes," he concedes quietly, nodding. You can barely hear him, it's a vocal 180 from a moment ago. "that's why I need those cull records. I can find out who issued it and fucked up so badly that they only succeeded in culling my lusus instead of me."

  
"And...then what?" You ask carefully. You already know the answer, you think, but you're really hoping you're wrong. You know you're not, you've already had this discussion. "After you figure that out, then what are you gonna do? What's the plan?"

  
Karkat rubs his eyes. "You already know the rest of the plan, Dave. I'm going to find the son of a bitch, and then I'm going to cull him."

  
"Okay, that I get." You reply, even though the thought makes your blood run cold. You can't imagine Karkat actually killing anyone, but you're not going to underestimate him on this one. "My question is...how, though? How the fuck are you going to kill this guy?"

  
Karkat's eyes grow distant as he thinks it over, probably going through his options when it came to methodology. You still have a hard time believing you're discussing murder so calmly with someone who has every intention of going through with it. "I...don't know for sure. I haven't really thought about it. I'll figure it out when the time comes, I think."

  
Karkat closes his laptop and stretches. "You were right about one thing, though. I'm fucking exhausted. I think I'm gonna go to bed."

  
"Okay, cool, I'll just abscond the fuck out of here and get out of your hair." You get up and trudge towards the door.

  
"You can stay in here, if you want." Karkat offers quietly. You turn around, Karkat's rubbing his neck and not looking at you.

  
"What?" You ask, you're not sure if you heard him right.

  
"I said you can stay in here for tonight, if you wanted to. I don't feel like showing you to a guest room, and you'd probably just get lost or something trying to find it yourself."

  
"Once again, the amount of faith you put in me is staggering." You reply. "Where the fuck would I sleep."

  
"In the bed, piss pan, unless you'd rather sleep on the floor or a chair or something." He rolls his eyes at you like that was the stupidest question you've asked in awhile.

  
"Okay, but where the fuck would you sleep?"

  
"...in my bed? Dave, if you think I'm going to give you free reign of my entire sleeping platform just because you're a guest then you have another thing coming. I'll have you know I'm a godawful host."

  
"No, I believe you. I just...are you sure you're cool with that? Sharing a bed, I mean?"

  
Karkat tilts his head, clearly not understanding what you're trying to get at. "Why the fuck wouldn't I be?"

  
"I mean because of the whole thing right now with..." with you picturing him bare in the snow earlier, with you wanting to get closer to him all of a sudden. You're not sure where you're going with this out loud. Clearly you're not saying all that out loud.

  
"Dave, let me stop you right there," he interrupts, crossing his arms, "it was just a suggestion. You don't have to stay here if you don't want to, I'm not going to fucking force you to share a bed with me if it seriously makes you this uncomfortable. Feel free to fuck off someplace else."

  
"What, no, I'm not uncomfortable about this, I just thought you might be. I have no problem with this."

  
The only thing you take issue with is that you honestly don't have any sort of problem with it, all you really want to do is get under the covers and maybe try spooning. You've never done that before, but it sounds nice. You know from experience that Karkat's warm as hell in the middle of a heatwave, and it's such a cold night...

  
"I wouldn't be suggesting it if I were completely opposed to it, now would I?" He urges you forward. "Are you getting in or not?"

  
You give in and shrug. "Yeah, sure, scoot over."

  
You climb in and there's enough distance between you and Karkat that you can feel his body heat even with the disappointing lack of physical contact. Karkat yawns and buries his face in his pillow. "Hey, if you keep pestering whoever the shit you feel like bugging at this time of night with your inane actions, could you turn down the brightness on your phone? It's fucking irritating."

  
"Oh, shit." You almost forgot about your conversation with Terezi. "I'm blowing up."

GC: D4V3 COM3 ON 1 KNOW YOUR3 NOT HOM3 DONT 3V3N PR3T3ND YOU 4R3  
GC: YOU DONT H4V3 TO T3LL M3 WH4T YOUR3 DO1NG W1TH YOUR LOV3R 1N S3CR3T 1F YOU DONT W4NT TO 1 C4N US3 MY 1M4G1N4T1ON  
GC: D4V3  
GC: COM3 ON TH3 S1LENT TR34TM3NT S3R1OUSLY TH4TS NOT YOUR USU4L MO 31TH3R D4V3  
GC: 1 DONT TH1NK 1 L1K3 3 1N TH3 FUCK1NG MORN1NG D4V3 4S MUCH 4S NORM4L D4V3  
GC: W41T 4 M1NUT3 D1D YOU F4LL 4SL33P YOU 4SSHOL3  
TG: sorry i was talking with my boyfriend and now were in bed snuggling and shit  
TG: its getting hot and heavy up in here  
TG: and by that i mean these blankets are cozy and warm as fuck and my eyelids are heavy with sleep  
GC: TH4T 4CTU4LLY SOUNDS N1C3 BUT 1 DONT 4PPR3CC14T3 B31NG 1GNOR3D WH3N YOUR3 TH3 ON3 WHO P3ST3R3D M3 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3  
TG: sorry it just got away from me i guess anyway all you gotta do is answer my really fucking simple question and then we can drop the fuck off into dreamland or wherever the fuck your destination is  
TG: so terezi pyrope are you or are you not doing anything tomorrow  
GC: Y34H 1M FR33 TOMORROW  
GC: WHY  
TG: roxy wanted me to invite my boyfriend over and i thought you might like to meet him too you know since youre my best troll friend and hes my best troll more than friend  
GC: OK4Y 1LL M33T YOUR B34U D4V3 BUT B3 W4RN3D 1 W1LL 1NT3RROG4TE H1M 3XT3NS1V3LY  
TG: i expect nothing less

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]

You turn off your phone and stash it back into your pocket, since you have nowhere else to put it. Karkat's turned away from you, so all you can see is the back of his head and the vague shape of his figure in the blankets. You can't tell if he's awake or not based on his breathing, but your guess is asleep.

  
If you were serious about the whole spooning thing earlier, now seems like the perfect opportunity. May as well take it while it's presenting itself to you.

  
You scoot a little bit closer, slowly, so as not to disturb him with your movements.

  
It doesn't work.

  
Karkat throws his hand back at you without turning around and hits you in the cheek. It's not a hard blow, if anything it was more like a pap, but it gets his point across. "Dave, I know I said sharing the bed was okay, but snuggling is crossing a line. If you get any closer to me I will kick you out of this bed so fast you'll crack open that empty head of yours and my footprint will be stamped on your ass for at least a perigee. Stay on your side."

  
"A simple 'I'm not up for it tonight, baby, maybe some other time' would have worked, too."

  
"Fuck you."

  
"I'm not up for it tonight, baby, maybe some other time. See, would that have been so hard to say?"

  
"Do you ever stop talking?"

  
"Sometimes when I'm eating, yeah. Not always, though."

  
"Can you maybe try not talking for awhile? I'm trying to sleep and I don't think your incessant need to flap your squawk blaster is helping for shit."

  
"Yeah, I'll try out this whole not talking thing. Let's see how it goes, I can hold my tongue I can hold my tongue like a fucking champ. I'll hold my tongue so hard everyone will be like yo, Dave, what up? Cat got your tongue? And I'll just say nothing and shake my head because I got my tongue and whatever stupid feline tried to snag it will have to find a different piece of mouth muscle to play with. Fuck, that sounded weird."

  
"Dave." Karkat interrupts, covering your mouth with his hand. It's really fucking warm.

  
"Yeah?" Your voice is muffled.

  
"Shut up."

  
You nod and lick his hand so he'll remove it. He's quick to take it back.

  
"Ew." He grumbles as he wipes his hand on the blanket. "Dave, what the fuck?"

  
"You didn't move your hand fast enough, bro, your speed's gotta be lickity split on the drawback."

  
"Gross."

  
That's all that's said for a bit as the both of you readjust and reposition until you're both a comfortable distance away from each other and settled in for the night.

  
"Hey, Karkat." You whisper, your back to him.

  
"Holy shit, what the hell do you want now, Dave?" He snaps at you, emulating your whisper.

  
"Goodnight."

  
He's quiet for a minute before he responds, voice thick with sleep. "Goodnight."

 

You wake up to dawn breaking and seeping out over you and Karkat through an unfortunate crack in the dark curtains. The light looks deceptively warm, but you understand its game from years of prewinter disappointment that it's as freezing as the snow that fell the night before. You hunker down into the bed, under the covers as you attempt to absorb warmth.

  
That's when you notice that you're not just snuggling back down into empty blankets. No, you're snuggling against a curled up, sleeping Karkat.

  
Karkat's face is pretty much squished against your chest, fists clenched into your shirt. At some point during the night, you unconsciously wrapped your arms around him and pulled him close. Apparently sleeping you had more game than awake you.

  
Or maybe Karkat did? Honestly, you have no idea which of you started this migration towards the other for an exchange in body heat. All you know for sure is that you're in a really nice, comfortable bubble of cozy heat.

  
God, this was so much better than what you'd imagined spooning would have been like.

  
You really just want to get even closer to Karkat while you still can, maybe bury your face in his hair while the opportunity is presenting itself to you.

  
Instead, you snake your arms away from him and the radiating heat. It's a little disappointing, because he's fucking warm as sin and cookies and shit, you don't even know, point is he's hot and it's not hot in the rest of the room. But you pull away anyway, because you don't know when he's gonna wake up and he was pretty vehement last night about personal space.

  
You completely peel yourself away from him and back away a little bit more towards your side. Karkat makes a noise of protest and buries himself deeper into the blankets where your residual heat is still encased.  
Watching Karkat sleep is a little too creepy for your liking, and you're totally awake at this point. You should probably get up, maybe go downstairs and chill in the kitchen or something.

  
You sit up slowly so as not to disturb Karkat and stand up, stretching. Your shades are in your sweatshirt pocket along with your phone, and you pull them both out now as you leave Karkat's room.

  
You check the time as you head down the stairs to the kitchen, the only room you actually know the location to. Damn, you're up fucking early for a Sunday. It's 8:30 in the ass crack of the morning. You need coffee. Now.

  
You reach the bottom of the staircase just as the scent hits your nostrils. Someone beat you to the punch on the coffee front. Sweet.

  
You follow your nose to the kitchen. Kanaya is standing at the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee clutched in her hands. She lifts her head when she hears you approach.

  
"Good morning, Dave." She greets. "How did you sleep?"

  
"Morning, Kanaya." There's the majority of a pot left, and you begin to search out a cup for yourself. "Fine. Like a baby, swaddled up in a heated blanket straight outta the fucking dryer. You?"

  
"Not as well, unfortunately." She sighs. "I did sleep, but I was clouded with thoughts of yesterday's events. I can't imagine Karkat or Ms. Paint had a much better time."

  
You nod as you finally find the cups and snag yourself a mug. "How did Ms. Paint take it, by the way? I'm already caught up on Karkat."

  
"So he told you..." She inquires slowly, letting the sentence trail off.

  
"About what you said? About leaving the Crew? Yeah, he told me."

  
"Ah." She looks down at her cup. "Did he seem...upset when he told you?"

  
"Upset? Fuck yeah, he was upset. Not about what you said, though. Okay, partially about what you said. Mostly it was about all the shit that happened, you know? Like, it was bad enough when the raid was the biggest thing that happened, but then that thing with his dad happened and then you dropped that whole 'yo, you should leave the Crew for whatever the fuck Aradia's doing' thing."

  
"That was a great impression of me." Kanaya says quietly, sipping at her coffee.

  
"I know, shit's spot on accurate." You don't feel like standing around, so you make a beeline for the table and plop down into a chair. "The point I was trying to make was he's not upset with you. He basically came right out and told me that upfront. So if that's what you're worried about, don't."

  
"I wasn't worried about that." She contends, joining you at the table.

  
"Sure." You nod. "And Karkat's mom? How is she? I haven't seen her since you told her about what happened."

  
"She was pretty distraught. I offered to stay with her, but she refused. She said she wanted some time alone with her thoughts."

  
This conversation is getting a little too heavy for the day's beginning, you think. You resolve to change the subject. "Yeah, what happened really sucked. I thought I'd take Karkat to meet some of my family. You know, take his mind off things."

  
"That's considerate of you."

  
"I'm a considerate guy." You shrug. "Plus my sister owes me a favor if I introduce her to my main squeeze."

  
Kanaya chuckles lightly, a hand covering her grin. "I can't say I'm surprised you have a more ulterior motive, Dave."

  
"Hey, you gotta look out for number one."

  
"You're only number one if we're talking public nuisances." Karkat retorts as he trudges into the kitchen, going straight for the cups. "Good morning, Kanaya."

  
Kanaya pulls out a chair near her for Karkat to take once he's done getting his coffee. "Good morning, Karkat. Dave tells me the two of you will be going out today?"

  
Karkat takes the seat offered to him. "It's not a fucking date, if that's what you think. He just wants me to meet some people because they don't believe we're going out."

  
"No, Roxy definitely believes we're going out." You inform the pair as you shake your head. "She's just upset that she hasn't met you yet and everybody else has."

  
Karkat tilts his head and quirks an eyebrow, which disappears into the thick mess of his dark hair. Today's bedhead is a force against gravity and maybe the very concept of physics itself. "If she already thinks we're dating, then why the shit are we doing this?"

  
"Because Roxy's the best sister ever and she's really super smart and if I really had a boyfriend, probably the first thing I'd do would be to introduce him to her because she's an awesome judge of character and having her approval would make me feel super fucking kickass. You'll like her, Karkat, just suck it up and be the social butterfly I know you're meant to be."

  
Karkat's glaring at you over the lip of his cup. "No, I'll stay a fucking ornery caterpillar, fuck you very much."

  
"Can you be an ornery fucking social caterpillar?"

  
He shakes his head. "That's not happening."

  
"Well, shit. I guess I'm just gonna have to tie you up and drag you home with me instead. If I can't convince Roxy I nabbed a social butterfly then I'll take a compliant chrysalis for her approval."

  
"As Karkat's moirail I would advise against tying him up and dragging him anywhere." Kanaya interrupts. You'd almost forgotten she was sitting between the two of you. "However as a friend of both of you and a supporter of any sort of budding relationship, I feel a hands on exploration of your kinks may be beneficial."

  
Karkat practically chokes on his coffee. "Kanaya, why?"

  
"I'm sorry, I was just trying to be funny while voicing my strong opinion on a subject involving the both of you. Are you okay?" Kanaya is fretting, uncertain of what to do with her hands. She eventually settles on patting his head with one hand awkwardly.

  
Karkat pushed his coffee cup away, head resting on his hands on the table. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just wasn't prepared for that."

  
"Sorry. Should I perhaps issue a warning whenever I make an off color quip at your expense from now on?"

  
Karkat snorts. "That's stupid, I'm not that fucking sensitive, don't do that." He removes one of his hands from under his chin and pats her hand on his head with it. "Thanks, though."

  
"What are moirails for?"

  
"Sex jokes, apparently." You interrupt. You'd been feeling a little left out and third wheelish. You wondered briefly if that was how Kanaya felt whenever you and Karkat did that before you have to remind yourself that unlike you, Kanaya's in an actual relationship with him. "Anyway, I think we should be heading out soon. You ready?"

  
Karkat starts to get up and begins gathering the empty cups. "Yeah, sure, let's get this show on the road. There's still a pretty good amount left in here, did you want any more coffee, Kanaya?"

  
Kanaya taps her chin, thinking it over. "No, I'm alright for now. Your mother might like some when she wakes up."

  
Karkat nods as he deposits the cups in the sink. "Okay. So are you staying here, then?"

  
"Yes." She nods. "I'm not doing anything today, and someone should be here for her when she wakes up."

  
"That's a good idea. Pester me if anything comes up."

  
"Of course."

  
Kanaya waves goodbye to the both of you as you leave Karkat's house. Outside, it's cold as a fucking arctic glacier, just as you'd expected. Nice try, sunshine. You're not fooling anyone.

  
"You sure you don't want to brush your hair or something before we hit the road?"

  
Karkat touches his hair defensively. "I already did. What the fuck's wrong with it?"

  
"Nothing. Obviously you already did, now that I get a better look at it. What the hell was I thinking?"

  
"Nothing or dicks, since that's all you ever think about when you bother to even have a fucking thought."

  
You shrug. "Accurate, but you left out one thing."

  
"And what would that be?"

  
"A significant amount of my thoughts belongs to my sweet, sweet love, apple juice."

  
"Of course, how could I forget?" Karkat replies sarcastically, hand to his face in faux shock. "I must be catching your stupid, Dave."

  
"If by my stupid you mean my supreme godlike powers of awesome, no, I'm afraid you didn't. It might have rubbed off on Kanaya, though."

  
"Why the fuck are you rubbing onto Kanaya, Dave? She's dating your sister, that's gross."

  
"I'm having a severe sense of deja vu involving trolls and rubbing and I don't like where it's going."

  
"I don't like where any conversation with you is going."

  
Ten minutes and several clever if insulting witticisms later, you're right outside of your canpartment with Karkat.

  
"Here we are, home sweet low rent apartment." You start for the door and walk into the lobby, but Karkat's still standing in front of the building. "Dude, are you coming or what?"

  
He nods. "Yeah. I just realized I've never been to your hive before."

  
"And you still haven't. Now get the fuck in here."

  
Karkat follows you inside and to the elevator. Usually you'd take the stairs, but it's more polite to use the elevator in situations when you have a guest with you.

  
You press the button for the top floor and are left standing in an enclosed space next to Karkat. Neither of you are talking, which fills the stale elevator air with tension between the dust motes.

  
Karkat clears his throat. "So..."

  
"So, what? Did you finally hit your word limit or something? Well, that'll definitely make things easier with Roxy, I guess we're going with compliant chrysalis after all. I always did like that plan."

  
"Dave, shut the fuck up." Karkat huffs. "What I was going to say before you so rudely interrupted-"

  
"Before I so rudely interrupted your awkward pause."

  
"Dave."

  
"Go on."

  
"You told me a little about your sister, but I haven't heard any shit about your troll neighbor friend who you wanted me to meet so badly."

  
Fuck, you thought this was going to come up. You probably should have said something beforehand, or at least before you were on the elevator and heading up to meet her. You honestly don't know what you're going to say at this point, you didn't really think about an explanation in detail.

  
Okay, fuck it, you'll wing it.

  
"Remember last night when we were talking about your one friend? The one whose picture was on the board with all those pictures of your lusus and was there when all the shit happened, you said?"

  
Karkat looks at you, perplexed. "Terezi? Of course I fucking remember. Why?"

  
"Well, my friend? My super awesome, cool friend across the hall?"

  
"Yeah, I get it, you have a friend, Dave. You can stop bragging about it now, no one fucking cares. Get to the point."

  
You swallow hard. "Her name's Terezi. Terezi Pyrope."

 

\----

Imagine, if you will, the following scenario.

  
A somewhat attractive asshole with whom you have a weird and hard to pin down relationship with because of some stupid shit shenanigans and a series of badly conceived ideas as a ploy to cover what you're actually up to with him (and it's so stupid, so stupid, why did you even go along with it? This is so much more work than necessary, fuck him for making you do more work than you needed to.)

  
Fuck that guy, he's even getting you sidetracked now.

  
So anyway, imagine this freckled jizz face invites you over to his hive to meet a "friend", only to drop the giant fucking bombshell that this "friend" of his happens to be an old friend of yours.

  
An old friend of yours from a long time ago.

  
Who you thought you culled.

  
Or who at least didn't want to talk to you ever again after almost getting her culled, which was a possibility that you had made peace with.

  
Now imagine being told this just as the elevator is reaching the top floor, his floor, the same floor where your suddenly not dead friend lives.

  
He's disembarking from the elevator like gravity didn't just shift and moving your fucking foot isn't suddenly an impossible endeavor.

  
Congratulations, Mr. Vantas, you just stepped into the god damn Twilight Zone.

  
That's the only reasonable explanation for any of this.

Okay, so it turns out Rod Serling is not going to rise from the grave to narrate today's supernatural bulgefuck of a misadventure. Which makes this reality.

  
Which means that scenario did and is currently playing out in front of you, with you as the star.

  
"Her name's Terezi. Terezi Pyrope."

  
Dave said that. Just now. You were sure you must have misheard him, but there was no way you did.

  
No, according to Dave, Terezi Pyrope was alive and lived next door to him and was his friend.

  
What the fuck.

  
You feel nauseous and light headed and excited all at once. On the one frond, Terezi's alive! Good old Tezi, who was so cool and weird and liked dragons and liked playing with you and was just the best to go on those dumb late night adventures with and fuck, you'd missed her like crazy. You'd sort of gotten used to the ache in your chest for awhile there, since you thought you were responsible for her death that didn't even fucking happen. You couldn't wait to see her again! Holy shit!

  
On the other frond, she was probably better off without you in her life. You did almost get her culled. Fuck, who were you kidding, it was way more than almost. The last time you saw her she was oozing teal and crying and she was in so much pain and that was all your fault and you'd left her there, you just fucking left her. Granted, you left her to go get help, but if you hadn't gotten lucky and ran into Ms. Paint on the street that day, there wasn't a doubt in your mind that both you and Terezi would be dead.

  
For the first few months, you'd waited patiently for Terezi to contact you. You figured you shouldn't force your presence on her, and if she wanted to still be friends after that major fuckup to her life you performed, then you would celebrate it and accept it and do your best to keep her safe from shit like that that might happen just by being associated with you. Of course, you left her a long voicemail on her answering machine the first day you were at your new hive, and you left messages with all your acquaintances to apologize to Terezi for you if they saw her.

  
But they never did deliver your message, and she never contacted you. This lead you to the conclusion that she either didn't want to talk to you anymore, or she was dead. Both seemed likely enough.

  
And now here was Dave, five whole fucking sweeps later, taking you to go see her. He never told you if she actually wanted to see you, he just said he was going to take you to meet her.

  
The thought of Terezi opening the door only to spit in your face when she realizes it's you and slam it shut left an acrid taste in your mouth and turmoil in your stomach.

  
There's no way she's going to want to see you or talk to you or be anywhere near you. You wouldn't blame her.

  
You don't think you'll be able to handle seeing her again. You haven't seen her since you were kids. You're not even sure what you did to her. You're not sure you want to know.

  
You might throw up.

  
You think you're at least a little justified in your freak out.

  
This is the part where Dave steps out of the elevator and turns to look at you, stuck standing here with your feet glued to the ground by forces beyond your control.

  
He says something, you don't know what, though. You weren't listening to him, your head is still abuzz with activity.

  
He extends a hand out to you as if you need help getting out of the elevator, which you do.

  
Correction, you would need help getting out of the elevator if you had any intention of going through with this.

  
Instead you give his hand an intense glower and shake your head at him. He retracts his hand, and you can see something akin to confusion on the blank, barely readable emotional gauge that was his expression at all times. You were convinced that was the only reason why he wore those stupid shades. You looked him right in those shitty dark lenses now and into his eyes before you spoke next.

  
"No." You sneer bluntly as you jab at the button for the lobby.

  
See, that would have been a great fucking exit. You would have looked so damn cool. Unfortunately, you were cursed with the slowest elevator doors in the history of the entire fucking universe. This gives you just enough time for you to lose your cool edge and for you to be forcefully removed from the elevator by Dave.

  
Dave grabs your arm and pulls you out just as the elevator door snap shut and the traitorous machine fucking leaves, what a piece of smug shit.

  
"What do you mean, no?" Dave asks, his grip on your arm is making it impossible to head back to the elevator as you try to wrench yourself out.

  
"Have you lost all understanding of the English language, shithead? It means I'm not doing this, you fucking moron."

  
He's dragging you down the hall, and you dig your heels into the carpet in an ineffective attempt to stay in place.

  
"Okay, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, that wasn't cool of me, I get it. But hey, now you know and now we're here so you may as well. I mean, after being separated from a friend for so long and finally having the chance to see her again it'd fucking crazy of you not to."

  
"No, this is what's crazy! This is fucking shithive maggots, Dave. She doesn't want anything to do with me, I know it, not after the shit I did to her. Just. Let. Me. The fuck. Go."

  
With all your force behind it along with Dave's slackening grip, you finally manage to break free of him and dash the few feet to the elevator.

  
You have one gray hand outstretched in front of you, you're so close, so fucking close that you can feel your fingers just brush against the button. That's as close as you come to escape before Dave fucking tackles you.

  
You hit the ground hard and are thankful that at least it's carpet you're slamming down into and not linoleum. At least Dave had that much courtesy this time.

  
You hope your pan juice leaks out onto the carpet and they can't get the stain out.

  
Dave's lying on top of you, his entire weight pressed into your back, his mouth at your ear. You can feel his warm, wet exhalations breeze past your ear. It's sort of gross, it's like Jade's stupid barkbeast's breath.

  
You can feel his heart beating against your shoulder blade. It's rhythmic, if a little faster than expected due to the exertion on his part. It's nice, despite that. You'd almost say it's calming.

  
"The fuck do you mean 'after the shit you did to her'? That wasn't your fault! You had nothing to do with that."

  
You squirm under Dave, trying to push him off or worm your way out from under him, but you freeze in your efforts once he's done talking.

  
How dare he. How dare he assume he knew anything about what happened to you, to Terezi, on that awful, blood soaked day.

  
There'd been so much of it.

  
So much fucking teal.

  
You'd never seen her cry before that, but she was full force bawling when you left her. Her eyes were red. Bright, awful red like your disgusting, damaged, cullable blood.

  
You left her there to die in puddles of blood and sunlight and tears.

  
Dave didn't know shit.

  
"You were just..." Fuck, he's still talking? What more could he possibly have to say to you? You're already pissed. "at the wrong place at the wrong time."

  
You want to punch him. You want to hit him or smack his head into the wall or-

  
fuck, you don't even know what you want to do at this point.

  
You manage to flip yourself over so your face isn't pressed into scratchy cheap carpet anymore and you can scowl at him in full view. Dave still manages to keep himself on top of you pretty easily, but he's not laying on you anymore. Now his knees are hugging your hips and his hands are digging into your shoulders, pinning you to the ground.

  
"No, Dave, you don't get it." You spat. "I was the wrong blood color at the wrong time. Terezi was just there. Whatever happened to her was my fault. She knows it, I know it, everyone who knows my place on the hemospectrum fucking knows it."

  
You take a moment to catch your breath, Dave remains uncharacteristically quiet above you, there's no change in his expression. You decide to keep talking while he's being so uncharacteristically quiet. "I get what you're trying to do here, really, I do, and I'd appreciate the hell out of it under normal circumstances. But here's the thing that you don't seem to be getting through that thick pan of yours, Dave, I know Terezi doesn't want me in her life anymore. If she really did, she would have contacted me by now. Obviously I don't blame her for that, I wouldn't want to be friends with me either after shit like that."

  
You've finished all you had to say and lapse into silence. The only sound in the hall is Dave's heavy breathing intermingling with your own. It's at this point you notice just how close Dave is to you.

  
Did his hands have to press so hard into your shoulders?

  
Did he really have to squeeze your hips so tightly?

  
Was his face always that close?

  
Your noses are almost touching, and at this point all you're doing is trading oxygen while staring into those stupid glasses.

  
You're practically kissing.

  
Are you going to kiss?

  
You never imagined your first kiss would be on the ground in a public hallway in such a compromising position.

  
Fuck it, at least it'll be memorable.

  
"Hey, coolkid, what's with all the noise? Are you getting into another hall brawl?" Someone cackles, slamming a door open and leaning out of it.

  
You look up and find yourself frozen where you're laying.

  
You wish you were in a less compromising position.

  
She looks different now, but not too different. More grown. You can practically see her personality written all over her posture and her face and her frame.

  
Terezi. Terezi Pyrope. Terezi fucking Pyrope.

  
You can't believe it's really her. You can't believe it's that roleplaying, sharp angled teal dragon loving dork. But of course you can, she looks the same.

  
She looks beautiful.

  
The only big difference is the bright red glasses she's wearing. You remember she used to wear those for cosplay, apparently now they're part of her daily wardrobe.

  
"Are people still calling it that? Seriously, what's up with that? Was there a meeting about this or something that I missed?" Dave complains to you in a whisper that you think she can't hear.

  
You ignore him. You can't take your eyes off of her. Your tongue is glued to the roof of your mouth.

  
Terezi sniffs, and the smile vanishes. She wrinkles her nose with a frown. "Who's with you? Whoever it is they smell delicious."

  
Dave is getting up off of you and brushing whatever the hell was in the carpet off of his knees. You stay on the ground. You can't move. You can't even fucking blink.

  
Terezi. Terezi, Terezi, Terezi. Fuck, you'd missed the shit out of her.

  
You open your mouth, but can't seem to bring yourself to speak.

  
Honestly, you're not even sure if you're breathing.

  
She turns her head, and she's looking at you, she's looking at you and your blood is cherry slushie.

  
No, she's not looking at you. She's not looking at anything. She can't, or did you forget, you stupid dundering piece of shit?

  
Her eyes had been damaged that day, apparently irreparably.

  
You can't believe you did that to her.

  
Dave is looking down at you, waiting for you to say something, urging you to silently. He offers you his hand to help you to your feet, but you ignore it and stay on the ground.

  
"Rezi?" You say, voice cautiously soft. You don't know why you phrase it as a question. You know it's her. There was no way you wouldn't recognize her.

  
She stiffens, and her eyebrows knit together. When she speaks, it's with the same wary hope you'd used. "Karkles?"

  
Just hearing her call you that hurts so much more than you anticipated. You feel like that ache from before scarred over and you just stabbed all the way through the new tissue with a rusty ice pick. You feel like you might cry.

  
Fuck, you hope you don't cry.

  
Now seems like a good time to get your ass off the ground.

  
You were lying on the ground in a particularly awkward and uncomfortable position, and now you're standing here in front of her in awkward discomfort. See, you're already making progress.

  
She's facing you, eyes concentrated somewhere in your general vicinity. You've gotten pretty good at detecting where the eye is pointed behind colored lenses after spending so much time glaring at Dave.

  
You don't know what to do now. What do you do? You sneak a glance at Dave for guidance. He's the one who's friends with her.

  
He pushes you closer to Terezi and gives you an encouraging thumbs up. What an unhelpful asshole.

  
Terezi takes a step closer to you, and it takes all your willpower to stay still and not shy away from her.

  
Dave clears his throat. "Terezi Pyrope, Karkat Vantas. Karkat Vantas, Terezi Pyrope. You're old friends, right?"

  
Dave says it so casually, as if he didn't know for sure and he didn't have to subdue you to keep you here.

  
For some reason, you find yourself nodding anyway as Terezi enters your personal space bubble and inhales near your neck. You can feel her hair tickling your skin as she nods in reply as well.

  
"Cool, I'll leave you two to catch up."

  
Wait, he was leaving? Dave was leaving? Why? What the hell?

  
He takes a few quick steps backwards and presses the button for the elevator.

  
Where the fuck does he think he's going? He has to stay here and help you!

  
The elevator door opens and he steps inside, waving goodbye to you and Terezi.

  
Then he's gone.

  
Bastard.

  
Terezi's tugging at your hand. Her nails are sharp and are digging into your palm as she tugs you towards her door.

  
You're not exactly sure what you'd call her expression, but it's definitely not happy. You'd expected she wouldn't be happy to see you, but it still stung the slightest bit. You might not look it, but you were ecstatic to see her.

  
You both get inside, and she closes the door behind her and lets go of your hand. Her face is turned away from you, her hands are clenched into fists. Her breathing sounds ragged. It's definitely not a good sound.

  
"Terezi?" You reach a hand out towards her, but pull it back before you can touch her. You don't know how to help her out right now. Maybe if you left?

  
Terezi's leaning against the door, blocking your escape route if that was what you'd decided. It's like she knew you would, if given the chance.

  
"I thought you were dead." Her voice is quiet, but terse. You've never heard her like this before. It's eerie.

  
"Rezi, I'm sorry, I-"

  
She slams her fist into the door, and you promptly shut the fuck up. "It's been ten years! For ten whole fucking years I thought you were dead! Where the hell have you been? Where the hell have you been that you couldn't have even taken the time to call me and tell me you were alive?"

  
She's breathing heavily, and there isn't a single doubt in your mind that she'll probably punch you, regardless of what your answer is. She's baring her teeth at you, and her face is practically teal with rage.

  
There's just one discrepancy in her questions that you need to clear up immediately. "I did call you, though."

  
The rage flickers. You can see it exiting her face with her blood. "What?"

  
"I called you." You repeat to clarify. "It was one of the first things I did, after making arrangements with Feferi and Eridan for..."

  
You trail off. It's not necessary to finish.

  
"I got your answering machine, so I left you a really long voicemail. I swear it was ten whole minutes of me apologizing and crying into the fucking phone like a total wriggler."

  
There's a blank look on her face as you finish. "My answering machine? I think...I think I left it there. At my hive in Little Alternia." She slides down the door and takes a seat on the ground. "It was sold with most of my appliances when I moved here, I think. I never got the message."

  
You feel weird standing above her while she's so obviously distressed on the floor. You plop down and join her.

  
"Hey, Terezi? Are you okay?" Your hand is hovering by her head, ready to pap at her command.

  
You're not looking forward to having to explain your pale infidelity to Kanaya later, but you'll cross that bridge when you get to it.

  
Fuck, maybe you are a pale slut.

  
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. It's just..." She cracks a smile and shows you both rows of razor teeth. "I can't believe you're not dead!"

  
You can't help but return the grin. "Yeah, me neither."

  
Your hand is still outstretched in front of her, and before you can pull it back, she licks it.

  
You pull it back as quickly as you can, it's dripping with warm saliva. "Gross."

  
You're reminded of a similar situation from last night as you wipe your hand on your sweater.

  
Terezi cackles and wrinkles her nose. "You taste different than what I thought you would."

  
You're not even going to question what she means by that. "Really? And just what the fuck do I taste like?"

  
"Cherry cough syrup."

  
"And you weren't expecting that?"

  
"No, that much I expected. But there's a weird licorice aftertaste that surprised me. What's up with that?"

  
As if you would know why you give off an aftertaste. The only licorice you can even think of coming into contact with is Jack's scotty dogs.

  
Right, Jack.

  
There'll be time to ruminate on your feelings about last night's raid and Jack's subsequent imprisonment later.

  
"One of my guardians eats a lot of licorice." You offer.

  
Terezi tilts her head thoughtfully. "You have more than one guardian?"

  
"Yeah." You nod. "I have two, they're carapace."

  
"So's mine! She's a lawyer."

  
"Wow, seriously? That's pretty fucking cool. Didn't you want to be a legislacerator when we were kids?"

  
"Yeah, still do." She replies, beaming with pride. "I planned on specializing in social justice issues, like mistreatment of lowbloods and the fight for equality."

  
You're impressed. "That's a pretty noble pursuit, Terezi."

  
"My opinions on the hemospectrum were influenced by an experience I had when I was little." She says with a shrug and a grin.

  
It appears you've reached the end of your conversational rope. What do you do now?

  
Sit here with your thumb up your ass and wait for someone to say something, apparently.

  
It appears Terezi's got this. "How can we both just sit here quietly when we have so much to fucking catch up on? It's been ten whole years! We've done so much since we were six! I want to hear your whole life story up until this point, Karkat. I need to hear about what I missed out on because of a fucking answering machine."

  
You mull it over, or you pretend to, anyway. Really you're just trying to remember what the fuck you did those first few years after you were adopted.

  
"Okay, sure, why the fuck not. Only if you go next, though."

  
"Obviously." She says with a click of her tongue as she gets into a more comfortable position on the floor. "Okay, go."

  
You start at the beginning, and you tell her everything. You were never very good at keeping secrets from Terezi, anyway.

  
You tell her about what happened after you left her and your mom found you.

  
"Wait, you call her mom?"

  
"Yeah, she told me I could, so I do."

  
"And you live in that really big house that smells like a jelly bean factory exploded?"

  
"Yes. My mom painted it, she's a fan of bright colors."

  
"Hey, so am I!"

  
"You two'd probably get along."

  
You tell her about your first day of school, when you punched Equius in the face for saying something offensive about your mom and your anonymous position on the hemospectrum all in the same breath. Kanaya had to pull you off of him.

  
"He decided we were friends or some shit after that and followed me around for an entire perigee just doing my bidding and insulting me simultaneously."

  
You tell her about meeting some of your other friends, like Sollux and Aradia and Nepeta.

  
"You know Nepeta?"

  
"Yeah, we've been friends for years. I think she had a crush on me at one point."

  
"Holy shit, that makes sense. You were the cute shouty crab guy she had a crush on for forever!"

  
"Wait, what are you talking about? You know her?"

  
"Fuck yeah, I know her. Biblically."

  
"..."

  
"Okay, not biblically, but there's been some heavy petting going on, if you know what I'm saying. She's my matesprit."

  
"Of course. Of fucking course you're her secret roleplaying dragonlady matesprit!"

  
You tell her about that weird thing with Kanaya's moirallegiance with Vriska, which you'd told her wouldn't work out. And what do you know, you were right.

  
"Kanaya is the fussyfangs jade blood? I can't believe Vriska's been talking about her this whole time and I never knew it was her."

  
"Okay, so you know Vriska now? Are you friends with the spiderbitch?"

  
"She's my moirail."

  
"What the fuck."

  
You get to your moirallegiance with Gamzee, explaining how it happened and how you remained in that position for sweeps even though the emotional comfort was never fully reciprocated back to you. She doesn't say anything during that part.

  
You go on to discuss meeting your first human friends, and your failed attempts at securing John as your kismesis and Jade as your matesprit. Neither were all that into you, and they just wanted to be friends.

  
"I'm working on a kismesitude with Egdork right now!"

  
"Want me to talk to him for you? He knows fucking zilch about quadrants. He probably thinks you just platonically hate him. That's what he thought with me, and I was...not subtle."

  
"No, I'm good, I think."

  
"Are you sure? I mean, I am a romance expert."

  
"Are you? Okay, Mr. Romance Expert, you can woo him pitch for me."

  
"Gladly."

  
You talk about meeting Dave, and the fight that first time you saw him at school.

  
"That was you Dave fought with? He broke you up with your moirail?"

  
"Not on purpose. It was my own fault, really, for asking such a pan dead idiot for advice."

  
You tell her about your moirallegiance with Kanaya, and how you've been going pale steady since.

  
"Finally! Honestly, I've been waiting for that since we were grubs."

  
"What? No."

  
"Yes. You guys have been fated for diamonds for as long as I knew both of you. I could see it. I could tell."

  
"Fuck you, no you couldn't."

  
You continue onwards with a simple synopsis of your relationship with Dave.

  
It being, that you have none.

  
"So you're saying you and Dave aren't really dating? That's ridiculous! Dave clearly likes you!"

  
That was true, Dave definitely liked you. If you were uncertain about Dave's emotions, then last night was an eye opener. Of course, you hadn't been uncertain, so this only affirmed your assumptions.  
You're a romance expert, of course you know when someone has a crush on you.

  
You don't say all of this out loud. "Yeah, it's pretty loud and fucking clear."

  
"So, what are you going to do about it?"

  
That's the thing. You don't know what you're going to do about it. For awhile you thought you'd just let the crush run its course, let it fade off naturally by itself. That's what you usually do.

  
But then you started to...you don't know...feel the same?

  
Last night wasn't an eye opener about Dave's feelings for you, but it was definitely an eye opener about your feelings for Dave.

  
"I'm not sure at this point." You shrug in defeat. "I guess I'll wait for Dave to make the first move, and then I'll strike."

  
"That's one way of doing things."

  
"Hey, he's the one with the crush, not me."

  
"Sure, sure."

  
You're about to give a rebuttal when a loud chime from a clock interrupts you. You're beginning to understand why Jack hates clocks so much, you think. At this point there's nothing in the world you'd rather do than smash that obnoxious time piece with a crowbar.

  
Terezi scrambles to her feet, pulling you up with her before you can so much as protest.

  
"My guardian's going to be home soon." She explains. "I'm not supposed to have people she hasn't met over."

  
"Okay, I get it. I'll fuck off." You concede. "But you owe me. One whole life story. Deal?"

  
She's grinning so wide you think it might tear the muscles in her cheeks. It's a great smile, honestly. "Deal. Maybe we can go out and make a day of it."

  
That's probably the greatest idea you've ever heard. "Hell yes! I know this really terrible coffee place we could go to. The coffee's liquid shit, but the cake there's good."

  
"Is that the place that smells like berry chewing gum?"

  
"Fuck if I know, probably?"

  
"I went there once with Nepeta! You know, if we go there, I could bring her, and you could bring Dave, and we could make a double date out of it." Terezi wiggles her eyebrows at you and laughs. "Come on, it'll be fun!"

  
"Yeah, I guess we could do that." You shrug. "If you really wanted to."

  
The clock chimes again, and you're seriously pissed at it. Can it wait? You're saying goodbye to a friend.

  
"Shit, she'll be home any second." Terezi frets.

  
You're about to open the door and step back into the hall when you're suddenly pulled away from it and into the most bone cushing, organ squeezing hug you've ever received.

  
It's nice. Fuck, it's better than nice, it's Terezi.

  
You hug her back as tight as you can. "I'm so fucking glad you're not dead."

  
"Took the words right out of my mouth." She replies before giving you another lick, this time on your cheek.

  
Okay, moment's over. You pull back. "That's disgusting."

  
Terezi laughs. "You'll get used to it."

  
The fact that you'll get used to it lightens your bloodpusher more than you'd expected it would. You reach for the door and this time you open it.

  
"Hey. Pester me, okay?"

  
You can't fight your own facial expression at this point, apparently. You smile reassuringly, even though you know she can't see it. "Okay."

  
The door closes, and you can't see Terezi anymore. You're alone in the hall.

  
Or, you thought you were alone in the hall. There's some movement by the corner of your eye that proves otherwise.

  
Dave's leaning casually against the wall, looking at his palmhusk. Well, he's pretending to look at his palmhusk, now he's looking at you. He straightens up. You wonder briefly how long he's been standing there for.

  
"So," he says anxiously, "how'd it go?"

  
You don't know what possessed you, but instead of answering verbally you move over to him and wrap your arms around him as tight as you can and squeeze.

  
"Whoa, um...that was unexpected and not what I thought you were going to say or do at all. Karkat, are you okay?"

  
You nod, but the gesture you think is lost in the fabric of his shirt.

  
"Holy shit, are you crying?" He sounds almost alarmed.

  
"No. Yes. I don't know." When did you start tearing up? "Yes."

  
"Do you want me to call Kanaya or..." He trails off, clearly uncertain of what to do in situations like this.

  
"No, I'm fine. These are good tears. Embarrassing tears, but still good tears."

  
"Okay. I mean, if you say so." This is the point where he returns the gesture and gets his arms around you, too. It's loose and awkward, but you don't mind. "Do you want to go? We can meet with Roxy some other time."

  
"No, you told her today. We're doing it today."

  
"Okay. I just thought, you know, with the crying and all that maybe that was enough social interaction for one day."

  
"It's fine." You bury your face a bit deeper into his chest. He's warm. You're kind of tired. You want to go back to bed and take a nap. "Hey, Dave?"

  
"Yeah, Karkat?"

  
You feel like you could stay here embracing Dave forever.

  
"Thanks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, that's the chapter.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wanted to get this chapter up before Halloween, but time got away from me. I guess this is close enough.  
> Roxy was a challenge that I'm not sure I conquered, but I tried and I think I did okay.

You don't know how long you stand there in the hallway hugging Karkat three feet from your door. Long enough that you feel like it'll lbe awkward to continue, but not long enough that you feel comfortable ending it yourself by pulling away.

  
Besides, Karkat started it. You honestly hadn't seen it coming. Wouldn't it be considered rude of you to push him away?

  
Well, obviously that wasn't something you wanted, so it looks like you're stuck hugging Karkat.

  
You run a hand up and down his back. You know he said those were good tears, but you're not sure you understand what the fuck that means in this context, so maybe if you continue to weirdly stroke him he'll take apparently unnecessary comfort from it. Maybe he'd tell you how it went with Terezi.

  
You weren't going to pry, that was between the both of them. If they wanted to tell you about it, then that was awesome. If they didn't, then that was awesome too, because at least they got to meet each other again and came up with that solution together.

  
You wonder if troll tears stain fabric and if it comes out in the wash. If it does stain you're going to have to change shirts before Roxy notices and you'll have to explain the weird splotchy pink stains. You didn't really want to do that. You sort of regret wearing a white shirt today. Maybe this was why trolls wore almost exclusively black.

  
Karkat pulls away from you and rubs his face with his sleeve. You can still see the tracks of his tears visible on his cheeks.

  
"Are you sure you're okay?" You weren't as ready to let go as you thought, and you try your best to conceal this longing for contact by keeping your hand in a reassuring position on his arm.

  
He nods, sniffling, and cracks a lopsided grin. "Yeah, I'm okay."

  
You can't help but mirror his smile. You don't think you've ever seen him smile so openly before, and the expression's as contagious as the common cold.

  
You move your hand slowly, brushing it down his arm and lingering at his hand before pulling away. He doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he doesn't even acknowledge the gesture. "Shouldn't we be going over to your hive now? We've probably kept your sister waiting around with her thumb jammed halfway up her nook long enough."

  
"That's some disgusting imagery of my sister you just gave me there, Karkat. The award for most imaginatively stimulating and gross imagery goes to you. Gold star. Gold motherfucking star. Good job, Karkat, that is the highest honor a person can receive in that category. I always knew you could do it, man. I've always had faith in you."

  
"And I've always had faith in your ability to never stop talking even after you've run out of things to say. Even if you were to accidentally swallow your tongue from the rapidity of the hoofbeast shit escaping your word hole I have a feeling you would still flap your dumb lips and make guttural noises in the back of your throat that resembled a rudimentary form of language." He crosses his arms over his chest, still grinning and waiting for your response. You can see all of his sharp little reptilian teeth.

  
You think you may be having heart palpitations. "Okay, for real, though? We should probably walk the literal ten steps to my door and get inside before Roxy decides she has to come search for us herself because we're taking too long."

  
Karkat nods in agreement and is about to reply when he's prematurely interrupted. "Nah, it's cool. I've been watching you guys from the peep hole for awhile now. Take all the time you want, I got zero shit to do today."

  
You turn to your door and make yourself eye level with the peep hole. You can't see through to the other side, but you know you're staring right into Roxy's eye. "Roxy, what the fuck? That's some creepy stalker ass shit right there."

  
"No, it isn't! I was just watching my peeps, which is exactly what this hole in the door was fucking made for! Plus, you're the dummies out in the public hallway." She defends.

  
She has a point there, you guess. "Okay, well we'd like to get out of the public eye and straight up into yours."

  
"That sounds like it would hurt unless you shrank down to, like, micro sized. Are you gonna do that? Do you have a shrink ray somewhere I don't know about? That's not cool, Dave. We're family! We're supposed to share! I mean, just think of all the cool shit I could do in my computer if I could actually throw myself into cyberspace."

  
"You bring up a good point, Rox, but I don't think you'd be able to download yourself onto the internet just because you're smaller. Besides, I left my shrink ray at Karkat's." You gesture over to Karkat. "You should've seen the size of him before. He was huge! Like, troll godzilla huge, all stomping around and smashing buildings and killing people with his big feet accidentally. I had to shrink him down just to get him through the door. Of course, the thing was kinda too powerful because now he's a tiny shrimp."

  
You get punched hard in the arm for that one.

  
"Anyway, are you gonna let us in or what?" You ask, rubbing the now sore spot on your arm. You don't think it'll bruise, but it still hurt like a bitch.

  
"What's the magic word?"

  
"Let us the fuck in or I'm breaking down the door?" Karkat says, pushing past you and peeking through the peep hole.

  
"Sorry," Roxy says as she cracks open the door. She's blocking entrance into the apartment with her body, "that's ten words too many. Try again."

  
"Open up?" You suggest.

  
"Nope." She smiles, shaking her head.

  
"Open sesame?"

  
"Dave, you're not even trying!" Roxy tsks. "I said magic word, not words."

  
"Well," you turn to Karkat, shrugging, "I'm tapped out. You got any ideas?"

  
Karkat's eyebrows knit together as he's lost in thought and chews on his lower lip.

  
"No," he sighs, "I've got nothing. Fuck."

  
The door is thrown open suddenly, and Roxy slides out of the way. "That's it!"

  
Sometimes you love your sister.

  
"Well, are you getting your asses in here or what?" Neither you and Karkat make a move, and Roxy lunges forward suddenly and grabs the both of you by the hand, dragging you both inside. "Come on!"

  
Roxy kicks the door closed with a bang and spins on her heel so she's facing you. She's not looking at you, though. Her eyes are glued on Karkat, looking him up and down.

  
Karkat, you note, is not exactly at his best. His eyes are puffy, and he looks disheveled and tired. This is all understandable, given what he just went through not even half an hour ago. Roxy doesn't know about any of this, though. All she knows is what he looks like now, and whatever information she can glean from that.

  
"Hi," she grins, "I'm Roxy, Dave's older and cooler sister."

  
"That's such a mean thing to say about Rose." You say, shaking your head.

  
"I think she was saying she's cooler than you." Karkat replies. "Which isn't that hard. Even I'm cooler than you."

  
"And you are...?" Roxy responds, urging an introduction.

  
"Karkat Vantas." He answers, extending his hand to her. "Dave's boyfriend and better, cooler half."

  
Roxy sees the offered handshake and gives him a high five instead. Karkat looks like he wasn't expecting that.

  
"Okay first of all, fuck you." You interrupt their subpar introduction. "Second of all, you wish you were even a quarter as cool as me."

  
"Have you met you?" Karkat scoffs. "No, I'm definitely fucking cooler than you."

  
"What makes you even think you're anywhere near my level of cool?"

  
"Well, if I had to pick one aspect that makes me automatically cooler by default, I'd have to say the fact that I haven't played a kazoo or any other instrument made of cheap fucking flimsy, colorful plastic since I was fucking three-and I mean in human years, not sweeps- is just one of many personal aspects that makes me less of a metaphorical human dumppile in comparison to you, you flagrant piece of shit."

  
"Whatever," you cross your arms over your chest and give him an invisible eye roll. "you're just jealous because you can't play the kazoo as well as I can."

  
"You blow into it and it makes noise, it's not that fucking hard to play. Literally anyone could play it as well as you can."

  
"Except for you, obviously."

  
"Really? Do you want to fucking go? Do you really need me to prove this to you, Dave?"

  
You offer a curt nod. "Yes."

  
He holds out his hand. "Give me your noise toy, you fucking bitch bulge mouth breather."

  
Roxy clears her throat, causing you both to turn and look at her. "I'm starting to feel ignored in my own introduction to your boyfriend, Dave. Quit distracting him so we can get to know each other. So far all I know is that he's an adorable loudmouth troll and that his name's Karkat."

  
"That's literally all there is to know about him." You nod.

  
"Your sister just called me adorable." Karkat tells you as a matter of fact, as if you weren't there to hear it.

  
"That she did. Now, are you going to prove how adept you are at the fine art of the kazoo or are you ready to admit that you were blowing hot air out of your inflamed asshole?"

  
Karkat holds out his hand for your kazoo. "What's the difference?"

  
You hand it over to him. "Okay, but just so you know, you're not only indirectly locking lips with me on this thing, you're also swabbing germs from Rose, Roxy, my dad that one time he fell asleep on the couch and we wanted to see if it would work like that, and our cat, Jaspers."

  
Karkat looks down at the little plastic thing and curls his lip up in disgust. He returns it to you. "Disinfect that and then burn it."

  
"Yeah, I'm not doing that." You put it back in your pocket. "It's practically part of the family."

  
"It's practically got DNA from every part of your family."

  
"Exactly. We'd have another member of the family if I just learned how to Frankenstein this bitch. Roxy, can we work on that?"

  
She shrugs. "When I'm done with all the shit I have to do for class, then yeah, definitely, that sounds fun!"

  
"Mary Shelley would rise from her grave and bitch slap you right in the face if she could hear you through all the dirt noodles clogging her auricular sponges."

  
"But then that would require her coming back from the dead in a probably not Frankensteinian manner, meaning that she couldn't slap me for it without looking like a huge hypocrite."

  
"She's a zombie, Dave, do you really think she'd care if it was seen as hypocritical? She's dead, her biggest concern's probably gonna be making sure she gets here from Europe all in mostly one piece." Roxy adds. Whose side is she on?

  
"Yes! And even if you did tell everyone how much of a hypocrite zombie Mary Shelley was, who the hell would believe you? No one and fucking idiot shit pans, that's who."

  
"I don't know, having witnesses to the event might help sway some of those weird kids. You know, the ones who think Bigfoot lives in their neighborhood and not in the fucking dense woods of Oregon like everybody knows he does, who the shit do they think they're kidding?"

  
"And just who are you having corroborate this surreal acid trip of a story, Dave?" Karkat asks, crossing his arms defiantly over his chest. "Because I'm not doing it."

  
"I'm not gonna either." Roxy adds.

  
"Roxy, you sellout!" You feign hurt. "You're only saying that to get on Karkat's good side."

  
"Hell yeah, I am!" Roxy agrees wholeheartedly. "At this point I feel like bonding with your boyfriend over the shared secret of major literary figures rising from the dead to hit people is way more important than telling everybody that they're fucking sci-fi hypocrites because one slapped you in the face."

  
Something crosses Roxy's mind, a hand moving to stroke her chin as she thinks over whatever it is.

  
"For real, though," she says thoughtfully, "if Dave got slapped in the face by a zombie, I'd probs take a pic of that and set it as my desk top wallpaper."

  
"Could you send that to me?" Karkat requests.

  
"Oh, fuck yeah, definitely." Roxy nods enthusiastically. "I'd just need your digits and then I'd send that shit your way. Then of course I'd kill the zombie."

  
"You're such a good sister." You reply acerbically.

  
"I really am." She agrees before turning her attention back to Karkat. "Are you hungry? Jane gave me a whole pie and I haven't cut into it yet."

  
You're just beginning to realize how hungry you are, all you had today was coffee.

  
"What kind of pie?" You ask.

  
Please be apple, please be apple, please be apple, please be apple, please be apple-

  
"Apple."

  
Fuck yeah.

  
"Sure." Karkat shrugs. "I'll take some pie, but I'm supposed to go out with my mom soon, so I can't stay for much."

  
"Aw, really?" Roxy asks, disappointed. "But I was going to tell embarrassing stories about Dave! I never get to tell embarrassing stories about Dave!"

  
"Yes you do, all the time."

  
"Not to people who don't know about it yet. Everyone else gets there before me or was already there when it happened!"

  
Karkat nods. "I'm willing to stay for embarrassing Dave stories."

  
"Sweet!" Roxy pumps her fist. "Let's go!"

  
She grabs Karkat by the hand and drags him to the kitchen. You trail behind. They seem to be getting along, you think. Granted, you wish they would bond over a subject that's not you, but whatever, you guess.

  
You're worried about whatever embarrassing stories she's going to tell him, though.

  
"Wait a minute," you and Karkat both take a seat at the kitchen table. "I thought you did that thing with your mom on Saturdays?"

  
"I do usually, but I asked if we could push it back because you hit some sort of intense new low and couldn't get anyone else to hang out with you, so you were forced to hang out with me or face the loneliness."

  
Shit, was that really only yesterday? That felt like fucking forever ago.

  
"So you'd rather hang out with me than leave me all by my lonesome? That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me, Karkat."

  
"No, because I'd rather cause us both symbiotic misery than even consider the possibility of you having a good day without me."

  
His tone's biting, but the little half smile he's giving you betrays his lack of contempt.

  
"That was one of the worst representations of symbiotic misery I've ever been a part of." You say with a shake of your head. "I had fun hanging out yesterday, and I know for a fact that you did, too. I saw you. You totally wanted to chill with me, you were practically pissing yourself with excitement at the thought of a personal bonafide Strider ride."

  
Karkat snorts and looks like he's about ready to unleash a sick rebuttal when you're both stopped by the sudden appearance of pie in front of your faces.

  
"Jane mentioned seeing you guys yesterday. She said you were cute and that Dave drew a helluva lot of attention."

  
All eyes were definitely on you and Karkat by the time you finished up your entrance theme song.

  
"What can I say? I shine so big and bright that everybody's blinded by my mere presence."

  
"Your ego, maybe." Karkat replies with an eye roll.

  
"You're totally right. My ego's blinding, but it has to be. You know why? Because I'm the fucking bomb."

  
Instead of responding, Karkat digs in to his pie. Its clear he's trying to nonverbally convey that he doesn't have time for your shit and is now ignoring you, but you're going to pretend you don't understand and crown yourself the winner of that conversation.

  
You take a bite of your own pie in victory, and it's all the more sweeter for it. Also you think Jane might be experimenting with the type of apple she uses again.

  
Without you and Karkat's back and forth to focus on, you notice the way that Roxy is sitting, observing the both of you closely. You can feel the burn of her stare.

  
It's like if Rose were watching you, but instead of a knowing smirk she plastered a big grin on her face.

  
You're kind of uncomfortable with it. "What?"

  
"Nothing," she says innocently, grin still present, "I was just thinking that Jane was right."

  
"About doing whatever the fuck she did to this pie? Because if so, I agree. She has yet to be wrong about these things."

  
"True that." Roxy nods. "But I was thinking more along the lines of how cute you both are together."

  
That's where she loses you. You've literally just been talking to Karkat like normal, acting like you usually do. Karkat's been doing the same. You're firing insults at each other in rapid succession. What part of this is cute?

  
You turn to Karkat, one eyebrow raised disbelievingly. He just shrugs and goes back to his pie. He's not as concerned about this as you, you guess.

  
"Okay, I'm lost." You admit firmly. "Explain to me what part of any of this led to that terrible conclusion. I need to know where everything went wrong here."

  
"I agree. I think you might need to get your pan examined, Roxy, or at least spend a long time alone in a dark corner to really think about your perception of cute and understand why yours is so fucking inaccurate."

  
"Maybe getting her head examined is a good idea. We should try those ink blot tests to check how fucked up her perceptions really are. Quick, Roxy, what kind of raw shark does this look like."

  
"The test is called the Rorschach test, and that's a plate, you dense shit waffle."

  
"Rorschach makes about as much sense. As for the creative use of the tools around me, does it fucking look like I have a stack of ready made ink blots on hand? Roxy, what do you see?"

  
Roxy leans forward and peers at your plate, squinting. There's only crumbs and a piece of apple that escaped your fork while you were busy chatting it up with some of your favorite people.

  
"An empty plate."

  
"Very good. And what does it look like to you?"

  
"Like Dave wants more pie?"

  
You nod. "That's right, Dave does want more pie."

  
"You can have more if you want."

  
"Awesome." You turn to Karkat as you stand. "She's sane, I think she just doesn't understand what cute means."

  
You gravitate towards the pie.

  
"No, I do!" Roxy insists. "Maybe you guys don't get it cause you're the ones causing the cute. Get what I'm saying?"

  
You cut yourself a big slice. "Like when people don't realize how smelly they are because it's their smell and they're used to it or whatever?"

  
"Oh thank fuck," Karkat replies with relief, "I thought I was going to have to tell you about how you smelled like fetid dumpster rot, but you figured it out all by yourself."

  
"Ha ha, fuck you."

  
"Not until you've had a bath first."

  
"See, that's exactly what I mean!" Roxy interrupts. "Neither of you guys can smell the cute because you're used to it and it doesn't register as cute anymore."

  
"Okay, let's say that's true." You say as you sit down. "Theoretically. That still doesn't explain what part of any of this gave you that idea."

  
She shrugs. "You've got this real great thing going dialogue wise. It's like you got your own personal teasing bubble that I can't get in on, but I'm totally okay with that because you're both seriously funny and adorable together."

  
"Jesus, Roxy, stop. You're gonna make Karkat blush."

  
"Really, Dave?" Karkat scoffs. "You're worried about me, tomato face?"

  
"Yes."

  
"Hey, speaking of Dave's tomato face, didn't I promise you embarrassing Dave stories?"

  
"You know what, I think you did."

  
Well, shit.

  
"How about we don't do that." You suggest.

  
"No, we're doing this. I want to hear embarrassing stories about you!"

  
"I don't think that's a good idea."

  
"I think it's a good idea."

  
"Dave used to call me mom until he was like ten." Roxy chimes in quickly, ignoring your proposal of not doing it.

  
Karkat turns to you. "Did you?"

  
"...Yes."

  
You sink into your seat and pick apart your pie. You're glad she started with that and something less embarrassing.

  
"There was one time a couple years ago when Dave accidentally squirted apple juice out of his nose because John said something funny. He didn't laugh or anything, it just came out. It was hilarious."

  
"Yeah, maybe for you. For me it hurt like a bitch and was a waste of perfectly good apple juice." You grumble. "Rose wouldn't let me drink it."

  
"There was snot in it."

  
"Yeah, my snot, which I was perfectly fine with drinking. It's not like I was asking you to do it."

  
"Dave, that's disgusting. You're disgusting. You're a disgusting, nasty snot rocket swallowing fuckwart."

  
"Hey, I didn't actually get to swallow the snot rocket like I wanted to. You would know that if you were paying attention."

  
"Okay, you're right. You only _wanted_ to be a disgusting, nasty snot rocket swallowing fuckwart. You're a failure, Dave. Good job."

  
This last remark is accented by the unexpected interruption of Karkat's ringtone into the conversation. He takes out his phone, and you and Roxy both watch quietly as he responds to whatever message he's received.

  
"Shit," he sighs as he shoves his phone back into his pocket, "I have to leave."

  
"But you just got here!" Roxy protests. "We barely got to talk!"

  
"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry." Karkat deposits his plate and fork in the sink, and the both of you stand up to follow him to the door. "It was nice meeting you, Roxy. We should do this again sometime."

  
Roxy is quick to pull him into a hug before he can react. "It was nice meeting you, too!"

  
You talk to Karkat over Roxy's shoulder. "So, did you want me to walk you home or something?"

  
Karkat shakes his head. "No, I'm good. I've never walked you back to your hive, and I would die before I let you be the chivalrous one in the relationship."

  
Roxy releases him, and Karkat waves his good byes to the both of you as he leaves.

  
"Bye, Karkat!" Roxy shouts when the elevator door opens. Karkat sticks his hand out of the elevator, waves again, and pulls back before the doors close. She turns to you as she closes the door. "He seems nice."

  
"Nice is the only word I'd never use to describe him." You're mostly kidding, but you did have to dig way past those antagonistic qualities to find anything that resembled nice.

  
"Well, he definitely seems like the type you would go for, and you look like you have a really great thing going." She pats you on the shoulder. "You done good, kid. You done good."

  
"Roxy, you're three minutes older than me."

  
"Three minutes wiser."

  
Your phone dings, and you check it.

  
"Who is it? Your boyfriend?" Roxy teases.

  
It's Karkat. "Yes."

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: TELL YOUR SISTER AGAIN THAT I'M SORRY ABOUT FUCKING OFF SO SUDDENLY AND THAT I'D LOVE TO CONTINUE WHATEVER THAT CONVERSATION WAS GETTING TO. I'M KIND OF SURPRISED THAT SHE WAS SO NORMAL AND REALLY NICE AND SHIT, SINCE SHE'S RELATED TO YOU. DID YOU JUST GET ALL OF THE SHIT GENES, DAVE? WHEN THEY WERE DIVVYING OUT THE PERSONALITY TRAITS IN THE HUMAN FEMALE'S EGG CLUTCH WERE YOU THE LAST IN THE LINE UP AND ALL THAT WERE LEFT WERE ALL THE TERRIBLE TRAITS LIKE HAVING AN ANNOYING VOICE AND BEING AN IRONIC FUCKHEAD, OR DID YOU ACTUALLY CHOOSE THOSE. YOU KNOW WHAT, I BET YOU ACTUALLY CHOSE THOSE TRAITS ON PURPOSE, YOU ASSHOLE.  
TG: karkat thats not how you ask for favors and its also not how human reproduction works now i dont know a lot about the subject because ive never had any hands on experience myself but i know thats not it  
TG: so you liked roxy thats awesome because she liked you too and also wants to get together at some point and continue that discussion which i still think is a terrible idea but thats just me why couldnt you just talk about video games or hacking or something  
CG: RIGHT, YOUR SISTER'S A HACKER. SHIT, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT. I NEVER GOT AROUND TO ASKING IF SHE WOULD HACK INTO THOSE RECORDS FOR ME.  
TG: do you want me to i mean im standing right next to her itll take me like two seconds give or take  
CG: NO, I SHOULD DO IT. YOU'VE DONE WAY MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME TODAY. WOULD YOU MIND GIVING ME HER CHUM HANDLE?  
TG: yeah sure no prob  
TG: tipsygnostalgic  
CG: THANKS.

"Hey, I gave Karkat your chumhandle." You inform your sister just as her phone gives a little meow.

  
"Okay, cool."

  
"That him?"

  
"Yup."

TG: i see you managed to pester her what are you guys talking about  
CG: WE'RE TELLING EMBARRASSING STORIES ABOUT YOU. PICKING UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF.  
TG: hey not cool ill have you know that everything she says is lies especially that thing about the crows in the park that one time  
CG: WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE CROWS IN THE PARK THAT ONE TIME, DAVE?  
TG: lies lies is what happened with the crows in the park that one time lies and nothing  
TG: roxys face is pretty blank im guessing youre not actually talking about me at all what are you guys talking about  
CG: YEAH, I WAS KIDDING ABOUT TALKING ABOUT YOU. WE GOT TIRED OF THAT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY A BORING AS FUCK SUBJECT. AS FOR WHAT WE'RE REALLY TALKING ABOUT I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'M ASKING HER ABOUT HACKING INTO THAT THING FOR ME.  
TG: and what did she say  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, SHE DIDN'T RESPOND YET. DO YOU THINK SHE'LL BE OKAY WITH IT? I MEAN, I AM ASKING HER TO TECHNICALLY HACK INTO A FOREIGN GOVERNMENT'S SYSTEM, EVEN IF IT IS JUST THE CULLING RECORDS.  
TG: dude she fucking hates the empire like no offense to you guys and your species like shes cool with trolls she just hates your government she would love the opportunity to fuck shit up  
TG: fuck the system  
CG: SO SHE SHOULD BE COOL WITH IT?  
TG: yeah shes cool  
TG: so your mom wanted you home whats todays plan for your date with her  
CG: MY MOM DIDN'T ACTUALLY ASK ME TO COME BACK, IT WAS KANAYA. SHE HAS A STANDING DATE WITH YOUR SISTER THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO MISS. I REALLY FEEL LIKE SHE DESERVES THE TIME TO DECOMPRESS ABOUT EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW?  
TG: well yeah of course but didnt they just have a date yesterday i mean how much time do they need to spend together we get it theyre gay and in love and perfect but they do have  friends   
CG: YOU DO REALIZE WE SPENT ALL OF YESTERDAY AND TODAY TOGETHER, RIGHT? WE SHARED A FUCKING SLEEPING PLATFORM, DAVE. I LITERALLY JUST LEFT YOUR HIVE, AND HERE WE ARE PESTERING EACH OTHER LIKE WE WEREN'T JUST TALKING FACE TO FUCKING FACE. IF ANYONE'S PROVEN HOW GAY THEY ARE BASED ON HOW MUCH TIME THEY'VE SPENT TOGETHER, IT'S US.  
CG: YOU BEAT ROSE OUT IN THE BATTLE FOR TOP GAY.  
CG: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE THE FUCKING HOMOSEXUAL SUPREME.

 

You can feel Roxy's eyes on you, practically burning a hole in your skin. "What?"

  
You look up from your phone, and Roxy shrugs. "You're smiling."

  
"No I'm not."

  
"Yes you are! I think it's cute that you're so happy talking to your boyfriend. Seriously, it's freaking adorable that you're that into him."

  
Except...you're not that into him. Karkat's just a friend.

  
A friend you're extremely close to.

  
A friend who made your heart race when you held his hand.

  
A friend you would totally cuddle the shit out of if given the go ahead.

  
A friend you have pictured naked. On several occasions.

  
Yeah, you're not into him at all.

TG: okay first of all im bisexual im the fucking bisexual supreme and dont you forget it  
TG: second of all you couldnt pay me to fight rose especially about which of us is gayer shes held the title of top lesbian for as long as i can remember now notice i didnt say top homosexual because shes actually been in a pretty heated battle with my bro dirk over which of them is really the highest tier homosexual  
TG: meanwhile im over here like hey why not both its like having dual citizenship i belong to both places but im pretty much on the down low when it comes to conflicts and shit  
TG: like the late great modern poet hannah montana once said ive got the best of both worlds may she rest in peace  
CG: MILEY CYRUS ISN'T DEAD, YOU MISINFORMED SHAME GLOBE BLASTER.  
TG: yeah no i know that but her alterego hannah montana is definitely no more shes gone forever shes dead  
TG: shes dancing with molly now  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT, FINE. HANNAH MONTANA IS DEAD, WHEN IS THE FUCKING CORPSE PARTY SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH AND MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES?  
TG: if by corpse party you mean funeral then tomorrow before school should be fine just remember to bring coffee and a shovel to dig the grave and also the corpse of hannah montana i mean if youre having a corpse party you may as well go all out and get actual corpses right  
CG: IT WOULDN'T BE A CORPSE PARTY WITHOUT A GOD DAMN CORPSE, DAVE. THEN IT WOULD JUST BE US STANDING AROUND AWKWARDLY UNTIL WE FELT LIKE IT WAS A GOOD TIME TO LEAVE. BUT WITH THE CORPSE IT'S ALL THAT WITH THE ADDED BONUS OF DECAYING FLESH PRESENT.  
TG: sounds like a good time are you almost home i dont want to stop you from chilling with your mom like you like to do you big dork  
CG: AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO BE RESTRAINED TO KEEP ME FROM DRINKING FUCKING SNOT JUICE.  
TG: hey i wanted to but i didnt remember that i only considered the idea never have i ever actually eaten or drank anything with snot in it regardless of whose it is of course it didnt make much of a difference because when a bunch of ten year olds find out that you thought about drinking some snotty aj you suddenly find yourself labeled booger breath for the rest of the year  
CG: DID PEOPLE ACTUALLY CALL YOU BOOGER BREATH?  
TG: that and nose licker  
CG: GUESS WHICH INSULTS ARE MAKING A COMEBACK.  
TG: karkat no dont you dare  
CG: JUST YOU TRY AND STOP ME, BOOGER BREATH.  
TG: this is like the fucking third grade all over again karkat do you know how much i hated third grade it was like this much  
TG: i know you cant see it but i have my arms extended all the way out  
TG: i feel like i should be wrapping up whatever the fuck were talking about because you should be home soon right if my calculations are accurate  
CG: YOUR CALCULATIONS WERE FUCKING ON, NOOK SNACK. I'M OPENING THE DOOR AND HEADING IN RIGHT NOW.  
TG: okay ill leave you to it then see you tomorrow nubby horned wonder  
TG: hows that nickname feeling yae or nay  
TG: im using it from now on regardless of what you say as long as you keep referring to me as booger breath  
TG: shit i just realized this is our equivalent of adorable nicknames isnt it  
CG: YEAH, PROBABLY. IF WE WERE IN AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP THAT WOULD DEFINITELY BE OUR THING.  
TG: dont worry ill come up with better by the time i see you tomorrow at school  
TG: bye  
CG: WAIT, I JUST HAD ONE LAST THING TO SAY BEFORE YOU GO.  
TG: okay goodbye retracted  
CG: I JUST WANTED TO SAY...  
CG: THANK YOU.  
TG: thank me for what i feel like you keep thanking me for shit but i cant think of anything that ive done that you need to thank me so much about  
CG: I'M NOT REALLY THANKING YOU FOR ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR. JUST...THANKS. FOR BEING HERE THE PAST DAY OR SO, FOR REUNITING ME WITH TEREZI, FOR STOPPING ME FROM DOING SOMETHING STUPID LAST NIGHT IN THE TUNNEL AND JUST TELLING ME THAT EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR SURE AND I COULD TELL YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.  
CG: YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH THE BEST FRIEND A TROLL COULD ASK FOR OUTSIDE OF A QUADRANT.  
TG: this is way more than one thing this is several things arranged into one paragraph  
CG: DAVE, DON'T INTERRUPT RIGHT NOW, I'M WEARING MY BLOODPUSHER ON MY FUCKING SLEEVE RIGHT NOW TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT I LIKE YOU.

Wait, what? Did Karkat just say that he...likes you?

  
You can feel your heart pounding so loud and fast in your chest that every beat practically hurts. Blood rushes to your face, which makes you self conscious, which causes more to pool and flush your skin bright red.

  
Roxy is still watching you. "I think that's the widest I've ever seen you smile." She notes.

  
You don't know what to do with this new information. Karkat likes you! He likes you! You can't believe how giddy you feel.

  
You should probably respond, it would be terrible if you didn't and there was a misunderstanding that resulted because of your silent shock at reciprocation.

  
You feel light headed, but in a good way.

  
Karkat's typed more.

CG: I LIKE YOU MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT I WOULD, AS A FRIEND. I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF SURPRISED, BASED OFF OF HOW WE STARTED OFF. YOU'VE DEFINITELY GROWN ON ME SINCE WE MET, AND I CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE BEING THIS INTERESTING WITHOUT YOU IN IT.  
CG: THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE IS THAT I'M ACTUALLY SO GLAD THAT I MET YOU AND GOT TO START PURSUING THIS FRIENDSHIP WITH YOU.  
CG: I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Those last few messages were so sincere and not at all what you were expecting. So then why are you so disappointed?

  
Probably because Karkat kept referring to you as a friend. He doesn't like you except as a friend.

  
Your heart sinks low in your chest and you slump onto the couch.

  
You should have said something before he left the pesterlog. Now he might not think you feel the same way.

  
But you don't. You feel very differently about him.

  
Very differently.

  
Fuck, you need help.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TG: kanaya i need help  
TG: i like karkat


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sort of short, but I can't think of anything to add that would really enhance this chapter and I kind of like it as it is, so I'm going to leave it, I think.

GA: I Would Love To Have An In Depth Conversation With You About This Face To Face Unfortunately For That To Happen We Will Have To Wait Until Tomorrow Are You Doing Anything Before School  
TG: no but kanaya listen i dont know if i can wait that long without doing anything with this information what do i do  
GA: For Now I Suggest Ruminating About This Realization Youve Made To Prepare Yourself For Our Discussion Tomorrow I Am Sorry I Cant Have This Talk With You Today But Perhaps That Is For The Best So You Can Consider Your Options About What You Are Going To Do With These Newfound Emotions  
GA: I Must Say Good Bye Until Then Your Sister Just Arrived And I Promised Her My Full Undivided Attention

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Kanaya turned out to be no help today, but you have no one else to talk to about this. Everybody else thinks you're dating already or you barely know them well enough to discuss your favorite actor, let alone your feelings for a certain little loudmouthed, messy haired troll.

  
You're going to have to wait until tomorrow.

  
Ruminating doesn't seem like a terrible way to pass the time until then, you guess.

Pretty much twenty hours of ruminating and three hours of sleep later, you arrive at school trailing behind your siblings. There's snow everywhere and your eyes are already strained and exhausted without the extra reflecting surfaces, so you have them squinted dangerously close to closed on your way inside.

  
You didn't get enough sleep or enough coffee to make up for the sleep.

  
You recall that Karkat once said that anything was possible with the right amount of coffee. Ten cups, to be exact.

  
You'd just had two, and you didn't even get to finish the second one before you had to leave. How the fuck does that tiny kid drink ten cups of coffee and not have his heart explode? That's not healthy, even for a troll, you think.

  
Karkat's teeth have a yellow tint to them, which you'd noticed yesterday. Is that because of all of the coffee he drinks staining his teeth, or are all troll's teeth that color? You've seen plenty of troll teeth before, but you'd never bothered to check the color. You'll have to ask at some point.

  
Speaking of asking things, where the shit is Kanaya? When does she usually get here? Rose would know. Should you ask Rose?

  
You decide on not asking Rose and just chill by the doors. Kanaya will get here when she gets here, you have no doubt in your mind that she planned out exactly when she needed to be here by so she could talk with you and get her points across, whatever those points may be.

  
It's either a century or five minutes later that Kanaya strides in, pushing the doors open with her shoulder so she doesn't have to juggle the cups in her hands.

  
Someone made a morning coffee run.

  
Kanaya spots you easily, as you're the only one stupid enough to hang out by the doors right now. She hands you one of the cups, and you absorb the heat with your hands.

  
She's looking at you, a firm and serious expression on her face. "We need to talk."

  
You nod. From the solemn way you're both acting, you'd think you were discussing a death. "Yeah. Can we move? It's cold as an icicle dildo shoved up Jack Frost's ass over here."

  
"Of course. Where were you thinking? Your locker, perhaps?" She's eyeing all of your stuff on the ground. It's mostly just textbooks stuffed with homework you did in a rush, but yeah, it's pretty heavy and you appreciate Kanaya's consideration.

  
"Yeah, that'll work."

  
You don't say anything on the short walk to your locker, but you keep sneaking glances at Kanaya. You thought she'd maybe be...happy about it? She's been pushing for you and Karkat to be a thing for awhile now. You can't even read her face, it's pretty much perfectly expressionless. Fuck, her face is enough to rival both yours and Dirk's best poker faces at this point.

  
You reach your locker and begin putting your stuff away. Kanaya is standing behind you, watching. Are you supposed to talk first, or is she? You have no idea.

  
You finish, then close and lock your locker and look at Kanaya again for guidance on what to do next.

  
She turns her head to check if anyone is coming only to find that this part of the hall is virtually abandoned. She then leads you to sit on the floor with her.

  
Okay, apparently this is a conversation you're going to want to sit down for, you guess. You do it and sit with your legs crossed, facing Kanaya.

  
She's fiddling with the paper sleeve on her cup. "I'd like to start off this conversation with an I told you so."

  
She's smiling as she says it, and you feel better now. This is the reaction you were expecting.

  
You nod and take a drink. This is not a pumpkin spice latte. "Yeah, you did."

  
"Do you mind me asking what brought you to this realization, Dave? After such firm denials up until this point, this feels rather sudden." Her yellow-grey eyes are practically coercing you into telling her, and you really don't see a reason not to, since she's been here almost since the beginning.

  
The thing is, you're not really sure when these feeling began, or what specific event led you to this conclusion. You could probably just cite the entirety of this weekend as your source, beginning as early as your not-a-date at that cafe that Jane works at and ending with that pesterlog you'd received from Karkat.

  
There was also the hand holding and the cuddling and the hugging sandwiched in the middle there. After all that, there was no way in hell you weren't gonna notice your feelings. That all felt like way too much to say right now, though.

  
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I was just curious."

  
You nod. "No, no, I do. I'm just having trouble pinpointing the exact moment it happened."

  
"But it was over the weekend, wasn't it?"

  
"Um...yeah. Yeah, it was." You try your best to suppress a smile, but then stop your suppression when you remember that it's only Kanaya here and she knows about your feelings already.

  
Kanaya returns your smile, but again it's...different than expected. You can barely see her fangs poking out. "I was afraid you'd say that."

  
You feel your grin start to falter. "What do you mean?"

  
"Dave, think about it." Kanaya replies insistently, sipping her coffee. "Karkat's been through a lot recently. One of his top members is leaving the Crew, his guardian was arrested, and he just found out that his childhood best friend isn't dead."

  
"He told you about Terezi?"

  
"Of course," she confirms, "he contacted me as soon as my date was over and we had a long discussion about how our day was."

  
"You didn't...tell him what I told you, right?"

  
"Of course not! However, he did tell me about what he said to you. About liking you as a friend."

  
You nod and take a long drink from your coffee. You almost burn your tongue, but you would rather prolong the silence a bit just in case her response isn't what you were expecting. "And what do you think of that? Do you think he only likes me as a friend?"

  
"In my opinion? I think he likes you as much as you like him, but I doubt he's going to make the first move."

  
You're not so sure about that. "Well, why the fuck not? If he likes me back then it shouldn't matter who makes the first move, right? This isn't rocket science, it's fucking high school romance."

  
"Yes, a subject that Karkat is an expert in." Kanaya reminds you. "Which is why he won't admit his own feelings first."

  
Is she being vague on purpose? "Explain, Maryam."

  
Kanaya lifts an eyebrow. "I don't think you've ever called me by my last name before."

  
"Yeah, I don't know why I did that."

  
"I don't mind, it was just strange."

  
"Can we maybe talk about that later? We have more important things to talk about, like why Karkat won't tell me if he likes me...if he does."

  
"Right, right, of course. As I was saying, Karkat will not reveal his feelings for you first on the chance that he is only projecting his emotions onto you. The last thing Karkat would want is a rejection, or, far worse than that, a pity date."

  
Okay, now you're confused. "But I thought pity was your guys's thing? Like, hate and pity were your relationship identifiers or whatever? Pity dates and hate dates are all you have, right?"

  
Kanaya actually looks mildly impressed by your floundering. "You've been studying the quadrants."

  
"Let's just say that a big part of my ruminating last night involved an extensive amount of google searching."

  
"Well, you're right, we do categorize between hate and pity. In this instance I meant human pity, not troll pity."

  
Oh. Yeah, you can see why Karkat wouldn't want that. "Okay, but what would make him even think I would do that or that he was fucking "projecting on me"?"

  
"Past experience." She shrugs. "You have to remember, Dave, Karkat was in a bad moiraillegiance for four years mainly because he projected his own strong feelings of pity onto Gamzee. Who knows how long he would have stayed in that relationship if Gamzee hadn't broken it off."

  
Right, he used to be all paleways with the gangly clown dude. You'd almost completely forgotten about that.

  
"Alright, so you're saying I should tell him and that I'm a shoe in because I'm such excellent boyfriend material. Got it."

  
You start to stand, but are pulled back down by Kanaya. She has both her hands planted firmly on your shoulders.

  
"No, Dave, that's not what I'm saying." Her gaze is so serious that you can't bring yourself to look away from her eyes. "What I'm saying is yes, I think Karkat likes you. Yes, I think you two would work well together and I am so glad you discovered your feelings for Karkat and that you came to me for advice. Yes, I think you should tell him. Someday. But not today. Not anytime soon. People are going to be leaving the Crew, not just Aradia, but higher ups who are worried because their leader has been arrested. We're going to have to figure out how to bounce back from the disaster at the casino and find a new venture as soon as possible, and Karkat's going to want to be a major force in that process. He'll be too distracted to take what you're trying to offer him into consideration. I'm not saying your feelings aren't important, Dave, of course they are, but you need to wait. At least until some of this has been sorted out and Karkat doesn't have to focus all his thoughts on the Crew."

  
You really don't want to wait, but you trust Kanaya's judgement. "How long do you think I should wait?"

  
Kanaya relaxes and releases your shoulders. "I trust you will recognize an opportunity when it presents itself."

  
You're less sure about that, but you nod anyway and stand up. You are not stopped this time.

  
There's still a lot of time before class starts, and you have literally nothing to do until then.

  
Kanaya stands up and brushes dust off of her skirt. "I'm going to go find your sister."

  
"Cool. Can I come? I don't have anything to do."

  
She shrugs. "I can't think of a reason why you couldn't."

  
Kanaya begins walking down the hall, and you drag behind her in search of your sister. It doesn't take long for you to run into a few familiar faces.

  
"But I don't really hate her. She's a perfectly fine troll, I just think she's kind of weird, you know? I really don't mind her all that much, I mean I would never spend time alone with her, but in a group she's...tolerable."

  
"See, that's the part that you can't seem to get through your shit thick pan, John. It's those 'but' moments that make a kismesisitude work. You don't want to enter into a relationship with someone you outright despise, it needs to be someone you have at least a begrudging respect for. That's why I think you two would work, you already have a natural animosity going. I really think you should at least try a relationship with Terezi before just writing her the fuck off."

  
John, Karkat, and Jade don't seem to notice you and Kanaya walking towards them as they are deep in conversation. It sounds like Karkat is trying really hard to convince John to spade it up with Terezi.

  
"Karkat, I can't." John says, exasperated, "I have a girlfriend already."

  
"Yeah, in one quadrant." Karkat scoffs in reply. "Unless she's one of those people who's against the quadrant system. Is she against the quadrant system, John?"

  
"I don't know, we've never discussed it before." John shrugs.

  
"Well, you should."

  
Now seems like as good a time as any to announce your presence. "I've never talked to Roxy about it myself, but I have a feeling she'd be cool with it. It's not like you're cheating on her."

  
"Yeah," Karkat reiterates, crossing his arms, "you're not cheating on her."

  
John looks like he's being ganged up on, which he definitely is. "You're really one to talk, Dave. You don't do quadrants, either!"

  
You have nothing to say, he's got you there. Kanaya's hand is resting on your shoulder, and you turn to look at her.

  
"I think I see your sister, so I'll take my leave now. Remember what we talked about."

  
Kanaya's gaze slides over to Karkat in what you think was supposed to be an inconspicuous movement, but everyone was looking at her while she was talking, so everybody fucking saw where her eyes went.

  
Kanaya walks past all of you and leaves you with the questions that are probably going to be asked.

  
Karkat's the first to open his mouth. "Were you talking about me?"

  
He knew where Kanaya's eyes went, he knows you were. "Yes."

  
Here comes the dreaded follow up. "What the fuck about me?"

  
Here's the part where you have to utilize your handy dandy lying skills. You go with the first thing you can think of off the top of your head. "About your fucking caffeine addiction, Karkat. You have a problem. Ten cups of coffee a day is way too much for any species, and at some point you're going to flood your system with so much coffee that your pump muscle or whatever the fuck over complicated word you use for the heart will blow up. That's a scientific fact."

  
"Karkat, you drink ten cups of coffee a day?" Jade finally joins the conversation.

  
"Yeah, so what? I don't have a fucking problem, and even if I did, it's not your job to give me an intervention in the middle of the hallway at school, you self entitled prick. Give me that."

  
Your coffee is flashsnatched out of your hands before you even have the time to react. Karkat lift the cup to his mouth and drains it without breaking irritated and stubborn eye contact with you.

  
"This wasn't pumpkin spice." He says, handing you the empty cup and wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "Good job, you finally developed a sense of taste."

  
"That wasn't cool, Kanaya bought me that." You toss the empty cup into a nearby trashcan.

  
"Ah, so it was Kanaya's choice, then." Karkat nods. "You still have no sense of taste."

  
"Obviously not. I'm dating you, aren't I?"

  
Karkat blinks and you can see him trying to work out in his head if that was an insult. You just implied that you had a sense of taste because you're dating him, meaning that you at least like him a little bit. Of course, Karkat being Karkat, he could also construe this to be an elaborate play on the old "Karkat's bitter" joke and think nothing more of it.

  
You're really hoping for that second one.

  
"I can't imagine what you would need all that coffee for." John Egbert, the boy who has never drank coffee a day in his life, says incredulously. You're glad to be back on topic.

  
"How the hell else do you expect me to stay awake all night and function correctly with little to no sleep without it?" Karkat argues. "You know who doesn't drink a lot of coffee? Dave. You know who has trouble staying up no matter what the fuck I do? Dave."

  
"You haven't done jack shit to help me stay awake, you just yelled at me a lot."

  
"And that didn't wake you up?"

  
"What I don't understand," John continues, "is why you would both need to stay up all night in the first place."

  
"Oh my god, John!" Jade snaps. "They're dating!"

  
"No, I know that. Congratulations, by the way."

  
"Um...thanks." You say. This is your first congratulations for dating someone. You wonder if that's normal.

  
"But that doesn't explain why they would both need to stay up all night."

  
"John, let me explain something to you." Jade sighs before pulling him over to her and whispering something in his ear.

  
John's face is slowly reddening as Jade pulls away. "Oh. _Oh._ Okay, never mind, I didn't ask anything. I get it now. Please don't answer that, that was a really personal question, I'm sorry."

  
You are in a state of disbelief. "Holy shit, Jade, you didn't."

  
She shrugs. "Someone had to tell him."

  
Karkat's looking from you to Jade with his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Tell him what? Am I missing something? Dave, what the fuck did she say to him?"

  
"Oh, come on, Karkat, you know what she said."

  
"No, I don't, otherwise I wouldn't be fucking asking, now would I?"

  
Wait, does Karkat really not understand what you're talking about? Does he not know?

  
He's looking at you, waiting for an answer. How could he not know?

  
"Karkat, they think we-" you stop yourself.

  
"They think we what?" He asks again as you pull out your phone.

  
"I'll just pester you about it."

  
"What? No, that's stupid. That's a shit plan, just tell me. I'm right fucking here, we're face to face."

  
"More like face to chest."

  
"Oh ha ha, short jokes again. You really exhausted your repertoire that quickly? That's the most pathetically sad thing I've ever heard. Maybe I should just cut out the middle man and start writing your insults for you. At least then they'll be clever."

  
"The short jokes are gold, and you know it."

  
There goes Thresh Prince of Bel-Air. You should watch that show again. Maybe with Karkat sometime.

  
"Hey, someone's pestering you."

  
"Fuck you, I know."

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: they think we did it

Karkat's face doesn't go as red as John's when he reads it, but you definitely note a rosy tint to the gray at his ears and his cheeks.

  
"Um-"

  
Karkat's intellectual statement is interrupted by his favorite show's theme song. He ignores it.

  
"Listen, there is no fucking way in any of the seven rings of shitfire that-"

  
There it goes again. Karkat ignores it, gritting his teeth.

  
"I'm not-"

  
Thresh Prince of Bel-Air plays again. Karkat looks like he wants to kill someone. Probably you.

  
"I think you should get that." You say as if you weren't the one pestering him.

  
Karkat glares at you as he takes his phone out of his pocket and opens up pesterchum.

TG: and by it i mean that they think that we did the deed  
TG: you know doing the do  
TG: the lust and thrust  
TG: aggressive cuddling struggle snuggling

"Okay, was that all? Are you done being a six year old little shit?" Karkat snaps at you.

  
He may look mad, but underneath that angry facade is an embarrassed Karkat who would rather not have this discussion. And by underneath you mean very much on the surface, as his face is just beginning to glow vermilion.

  
"Wait a minute, I got more."

TG: boppin squiddles

"You leave the squiddles out of this, you fucking sperm dumpster. That's a kid's show!"

  
That one seems to have upset him more than embarrass.

TG: sorry did you like that show  
CG: NOT A LOT. I WATCHED IT WHEN I WAS A WRIGGLER, LIKE EVERY OTHER LITTLE USELESS PAN DEAD FUCK AT THE TIME.  
CG: IT WAS ONE OF THE FEW SHOWS THAT I WATCHED WITH MY LUSUS.  
TG: shit sorry i didnt tarnish any nice nostalgia memories with undertones of implied sex right  
CG: MOTHERGRUB, DAVE, IT'S NOT EVEN AN ISSUE. I'M NOT THAT SENSITIVE ABOUT A FUCKING KID'S CARTOON. IT'S FINE, I'D JUST RATHER YOU LEAVE PROGRAMS AIMED AT SMALL CHILDREN OUT OF YOUR SEX EUPHEMISMS.  
TG: you know when you say it like that i get it  
TG: i have a couple more if thats cool though

"You can keep going, but I'm not going to be happy with you about it." Karkat sighs wearily, the red creeping steadily across his face.

  
"I figured as much."

TG: filling the cream donut  
TG: or the cherry donut in the case of you topping  
TG: the tubesnake boogie  
TG: sticking it to the man  
TG: a one liner and a spunky cumback  
TG: see what i did there this isnt a euphemism i just want to make sure you saw what i did there

Karkat rolls his eyes at you like someone who is above your immature antics, but he's blushing like a catholic schoolgirl getting her first lesson on male anatomy. "Yeah, I see what you did there."

  
"Cool, I got one more."

TG: sex

"So anyway," you stow your phone back into your pocket, "Karkat, our friends think we had intercourse."

  
Karkat nods, his whole face vibrant crimson. You want to take a picture of it while you still can. You do so discretely, and you're pretty sure from the look on her face that only Jade notices.

  
"Sorry to break the news to everybody about what should be my own personal business, but Dave and I aren't fucking."

  
"Yeah, contrary to popular belief, I did not have sexual relations with this man." You nod firmly. "But we did sleep together."

  
Just like that, the blood rushes back into John's face, and you get a punch in the arm from Karkat.

  
"Dave!" Karkat fumes, running a hand through his hair and making his gravity defying mop even messier.

  
"Karkat." You reply with your face blank and you hands glued to your sides to prevent you from trying to fix his hair. You wonder briefly about how soft it is before banishing the thought.

  
"Why the fuck would you say that?"

  
"Because it's true. We slept together. In the same bed. We had a sleepover on Saturday, it was boyfriend exclusive and also Kanaya was there, but she was in a different room."

  
Jade nods. "So you're saying you slept together, but you didn't have sex."

  
"Exactly. We literally just shared blankets and some body heat."

  
She grins as if she knows that something else happened, like you waking up cuddling and sharing more than _some_ body heat. "It sounds like you had a nice weekend."

  
You spare a glance to Karkat at your side, and your eyes meet. In that brief period of locked gazes, you know you both share the same thought on the subject.

  
After everything that happened this weekend, after all the shit that went down, it was still a pretty good weekend.

  
"Yeah," you nod, "it was."

  
You can feel his knuckles brushing up against yours. You're not confident enough to say it was on purpose.

  
There's a shrill noise that's supposed to resemble a peal of bells signaling the beginning of the school day, and there is suddenly scrambling around you as people try to clamor towards their classes.

  
Karkat taps you on the arm and gestures for you to follow him before darting off into the crowd.

  
"See you later, Jade."

  
You and John start heading towards your math class, in the direction Karkat ran off to. Karkat falls into step at your side as soon as you pass the last row of lockers, apparently he'd been waiting for the both of you and for the crowd to thin.

  
"Karkat, isn't your class in the other direction?" John asks.

  
He shrugs in reply. "I decided I was going to walk Dave to class today." Karkat shifts so he's just the slightest bit closer to you as you walk. "Like I said, I'd rather die than let you be the chivalrous one."

  
Karkat Vantas walks you to your first class, his fingers lightly grazing the back of your hand repeatedly.

  
This time you're certain he's doing it on purpose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you wanted some other weird euphemisms for the sexy times, here is a website sporting 400 of those bad boys.  
> [400 euphemisms for sex](http://thoughtcatalog.com/jim-goad/2014/12/400-euphemisms-for-sexual-intercourse/)
> 
> If that doesn't work, which it should if I did it right, then I recommend google if you're still curious about other probably stranger ways to say sexual intercourse.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave watches the news, and that's pretty much the whole chapter.

Kanaya wasn't kidding about Karkat being busy. It's Thursday, and you haven't seen or heard from him since Monday morning. Not even just a quick glance of him in the hallways.

  
He hasn't been responding to pesterlogs from anyone.

  
Anyone who's not in the Midnight Crew, at least.

  
You're sitting on the couch, phone in hand, debating over whether or not you should pester him yourself.

  
You open up pesterchum, click his handle, then exit out before you even think of anything to type. If he's really busy with the Crew, then you shouldn't bug him. Kanaya said you should wait, so you will.

  
Then again, you're technically in the Crew, so whatever they're talking about could directly effect you, right?

  
You open up pesterchum.

  
You'll just check in, see how things are going. Maybe ask what the new game plan is.

  
You click on his handle.

  
What would you even say?

  
sup karkat just wondering what youre up to hows it going with the crew now that youre kind of in charge of it since jacks in jail and the casinos a crime scene now and-

  
-yeah, you're not doing that.

  
You exit out of pesterchum again.

  
Rose sits down next to you on the couch. "Would you mind handing me the remote?"

  
"Sure, fine." You drop it into her hand and she immediately starts flipping through the channels. "What are you gonna put on?"

  
"The local news."

  
She finds the news station, there's a carapace and some human guy with hair that must have taken hours to perfect filling the screen. You caught them in the middle of a story that you don't even have the slightest interest in.

  
"Why? We never watch the news."

  
"Dad said there was a story coming up that we should watch." She replies as she turns up the volume.

  
"Did he say why?"

  
"He'll explain when he returns home."

  
The story the anchors were discussing ends, and they begin a new one. You decide to pay attention to this one, since you have nothing better to do.

  
"Early Sunday morning, local police officers seized the location of an illegal gambling ring and apprehended Jack Noir, a carapacian whom they suspect to be head of the notorious crime syndicate the Midnight Crew, operating under the assumed name of Spades Slick. The charges filed against Mr. Noir are vague and it is unclear if he will remain in police custody."

  
An unflattering photo of Slick is displayed on the right of the screen. He's snarling, and the lights make the scar on his eye appear vicious. Your stomach sinks at the sight. You really hope Karkat's not watching this.

  
"None of the arresting officers were available for interviews, but one of our field reporters was able to discuss the events that have transpired with the wife of the accused earlier today. Let's go to that footage now."

  
The footage is grainy, camera pointed shakily outside of the police station. For a few seconds, nothing happens, you just get a view of the doors. Then they open, and out steps a little white carapace woman dressed in pastels. You recognize her immediately.

  
Ms. Paint.

  
Karkat's mom.

  
A feeling of dread fills your stomach as she descends the station steps, unaware of the camera watching her. Suddenly the scene is bouncing up and down as the camera approaches her at a jog. Ms. Paint acknowledges the camera, but keeps walking. The camera stays with her.

  
"Mrs. Noir, what's it like being the wife of a suspected member of the criminal underground?" Apparently the field reporter wasn't good enough to get his own camera guy and was stuck with both jobs.

  
She glares coldly at the camera. "No comment."

  
You recall watching her practically shrink with worry when she found out something was amiss with Jack.

  
"Mrs. Noir, is your husband innocent of these crimes? Were you aware of his status before his arrest? Are you a member of the Midnight Crew?"

  
Her expression doesn't change, but for a moment her pace quickens in an attempt to leave the reporter behind.

  
That stupid song fills the spaces in your brain that aren't filled with the memory of Kanaya saying that the poor woman had been distraught after hearing about the arrest.

  
"Mrs. Noir, Mrs. Noir!" The reporter is much more persistent than first thought and catches up with Ms. Paint quickly. "You and your husband have a son, is that correct? There is no record of him visiting the station since the arrest. Why isn't your son visiting? Is he too ashamed about having a criminal in the family to come?"

  
This is the question that gets a reaction. Ms. Paint turns on her heel without warning, almost causing the camera man to stumble. She grabs the reporter, you're guessing by his shirt, and pulls him closer to her. Her facial features loom large on your television.

  
The frosty, almost blank expression she'd been wearing melts under the heat of her newfound fury. Her sneer feels all too familiar, you've seen a similar one on both Jack and Karkat before. It's never been as effective on either of them as it is on Ms. Paint. On them it's almost a default expression, on her it's fucking frightening.

  
"You leave my son out of this." It's both a command and a warning. You're not sure what she'll do if the media doesn't comply with her demand, you don't think she even knows what she'll do. You hope no one ever has to find out for themselves. She drops him, forcing the camera to pan at a strange angle and depict her standing over him. It's close enough that you can make out the pale yellow stripes on the sash around her waist and the menacing glint in her eyes. "And get that camera out of my face."

  
She makes a move for the camera, but the images blur and become abstract and bouncy again as the reporter runs away from her.

  
The camera turns back to her when the reporter deems he is a safe distance away, and you watch the hem of Ms. Paint's pink dress swish behind her in the breeze as she stomps away.

  
Yo never thought you'd be freaked out by Ms. Paint, but here you are, sitting in your living room next to your sister, freaked out by Ms. Paint.

  
The footage ends, and the two anchors return to the screen to discuss it.

  
"Hm. I never took Spades Slick as the familial type." Rose comments. It's not a conversation starter, it's just a thought she's voicing out loud. "What about you, Dave?"

  
You shrug. "I can't say I ever gave it much thought. Was that the one dad wanted us to watch?"

  
"I believe so."

  
"Shouldn't we get Roxy and Dirk in here before the story ends, then?" It's literally only you and Rose in the living room right now.

  
Rose tilts her head at you, a confused set to her mouth. "Dirk's working today, and Roxy went to the library a half an hour ago. Dave, you were here for that, are you okay?"

  
Shit, how long have you just been sitting here pressing the pesterchum icon over and over again? "Yeah, I'm fine." You nod. "Just...distracted."

  
Rose nods, but her expression clearly demands an explanation later on. "They were both going to watch the broadcast online, on their own time. The station does have a website."

  
"Okay."

  
The two of you lapse into silence and go back to watching the news. You think it's the same story still, but you can't be sure. There's a grainy still frame of Ms. Paint in the upper right corner.

  
"But you mean to tell me that her name's _not_ Mrs. Noir?" The human anchorman asks his carapacian counterpart in an attempt at a natural conversation shift.

  
The carapace shakes their head. "No, but her actual name is being withheld to protect her identity."

  
"Yeah, after you did a close up of her face." You mumble crossly. They can't just pretend to be concerned about her after pulling shit like that.

  
"That's true. If they were really concerned with protecting her identity, they would have blurred her features." Rose agrees.

  
The story ends, and Rose returns the remote to you before heading to the kitchen. You're about to change the channel when another story comes up.

  
"Tonight's top story, a group of troll anti-hemospectrum activists known as the Knights of Blood, or the KOB, are leading a peaceful protest in the district of Little Alternia. Let's go to the live report."

  
A midblood troll appears on the screen, along with a name that you assume is his but can't pronounce. Behind him is a crowd of trolls, steadily marching down the street.

  
"Behind me, as you can see, are members of the KOB performing another demonstration of protest against the supposedly unequal treatment of trolls lower on the spectrum. This is the fourth large scale demonstration they have done this month, but this one is the largest in terms of participants so far. This current protest is notable for another reason as well. Can we get a close up on the crowd of protesters?"

  
The camera zooms in on the marching trolls. You're not sure what you're supposed to be looking for, you're honestly just shocked by the sheer number of them. You assumed they were just some small organization.

  
The camera pans back to the reporter. "Tonight's protesters are all wearing black and grey to keep their place on the spectrum anonymous, an unpopular practice both in and out of the district, but more accepted outside of Little Alternia. Why? Because tonight, the KOB plan to march to the Embassy and protest against the culling of mutant bloods, who have to spend their whole lives in hiding because of the Cull-On-Sight law passed centuries ago by the Empress, Her Imperial Condescension, early in her reign."

  
"Yo, Rose." You call into the kitchen, readjusting yourself in your seat so you're facing the entrance.

"Yes, Dave?" She pokes her head out of the kitchen, cup in hand. You think she was maybe making tea.

  
"The fuck's an Embassy?"

  
"The fuck indeed." She says, rolling her eyes. "About half of our conversations wouldn't be necessary if you just paid attention during class."

  
"But then I would have to pay attention, and then where would we be?"

  
"That's a valid argument." She disappears back into the kitchen, you hear water running. "An Embassy is generally the representation of a sending country, for example, Alternia, in a receiving country, in this case, Earth. Now obviously in that scenario the concept of an Embassy extends not only to different nations, but different planets as well. There are some differences in rules and regulations in regards to interplanetary Embassies, but I'm fuzzy on the details in that regard. I can tell you this much, though. The general rule with an Alternian Embassy is that the Ambassador- the one representing the entire species for that specific colony- is the troll who is highest on the hemospectrum over the age of ten sweeps. They report directly to the Empress about any issues in their colony."

  
"Why do they have to be over ten?"

  
"A troll's blood color becomes visible in the eyes at roughly ten sweeps, so it's impossible to lie about one's position on the hemospectrum." Rose walks in, a steaming cup in her hands. "What's going on?"

  
"Peaceful protests in Little Alternia against murdering mutants." You turn it up. The troll hasn't moved at all since he started talking.

  
"-acted upon after the complete extermination of the lime bloods until the uprising of the Signless, also called the Sufferer by his followers. The Signless was an anti-hemospectrum activist back on Alternia who was one of the first to implement the use of an anonymous color scheme to protect those of a lower caste. He was later found to possess an unheard of mutation that left his blood a vibrant shade of red and was culled by the Empress herself. All accounts concerning the Signless and his attempted uprising were stricken from history until the destruction of Alternia, when a small band of followers formed on Earth and began spreading his teachings. This group of disciples inspired several branching organizations against the hemospectrum, most notably the KOB."

  
"That's a fuck ton of information to drop on a guy. What, is he getting paid by the word?" You criticize as you sink lower into the couch. The troll continues to drone on and on about something that might be interesting if it wasn't being presented like a fifth grader's power point on scalene triangles.

  
This is why you don't watch the news.

  
Rose is steeping her tea next to you. "That's how the news works, Dave."

  
"Yeah, well-" you're interrupted by the front door slamming open.

  
You turn to the noise just in time to see Roxy slide in. "Guess who's back and brought dad with her!"

  
Your father trudges in, much less energized than your sister. "Roxy, you can't just kick the door open like that, we've had this discussion."

  
Roxy rubs her arm sheepishly. "Sorry."

  
"It's fine." He says with a weary shake of his head. "Just don't do it again."

  
Roxy offers a little salute. "Sure thing. What are we watching?"

  
You and Rose scoot over to accommodate the two new arrivals. "The news."

  
"Still?" Roxy settles in beside Rose. "I thought I missed the story dad wanted us to watch."

  
"You did." Rose nods. "Dave just hasn't changed the channel."

  
"Oh. Why not?"

  
"I thought this story would be interesting, but the news made it boring as fuck, as usual." You sigh.

  
"Why? What's the story on?" Roxy asks curiously.

  
Rose answers before you can. "There's a protest going on in Little Alternia tonight about the culling of mutants."

  
"Intense."

  
"It is. I imagine Dave's only interested because he's dating a troll."

  
That's when your father joins the conversation. "Dave, you're dating a troll?"

  
Dammit, Rose. Two could play that game.

  
"Yeah, so's Rose."

  
"I already knew that, I'm meeting her next week."

  
Well, fuck.

  
"You should definitely meet him, dad!" Roxy says enthusiastically. "I met him Sunday and honestly they were fucking cute together."

  
"So it's a 'he'." Your dad says with a nod, you can almost feel it physically when he whips out his detective skills. "Rose, have you met him?"

  
"Yes, I have. I have to applaud Dave's choice in romantic partners, they do work surprisingly well together. You really should meet him."

  
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuck there is no way you can introduce Karkat to your dad. Your dad already knows that Karkat's in the Crew.

  
Your dad just arrested his dad.

  
Yeah, there's no way this is happening anytime ever.

  
"Oh, hey, look." You turn up the volume. "Something's going on on the news."

  
Distraction. Distraction is what's going on.

  
Actually something really is going on.

  
"-members of the activist group, the KOB, were arrested for obstruction of justice moments ago when four of them scaled the Embassy building and jammed the signal to the Empress's ship, scrambling messages from the Embassy for several minutes. Of the four responsible for this act, only two were caught."

  
Two mugshots blot out the reporter's face, and you freeze as you're struck with recognition.

  
Aradia and Feferi are on your screen, dressed in grey and black and smiling like they were just caught on candid camera and not for breaking the law.

  
You hate the news.

  
"Never mind, nothing's going on on the news, I lied." You turn off the tv quickly before anyone realizes you know the trolls onscreen. "Made you look."

  
"Anyway," Rose says, clearing her throat, "was there a reason you wanted us to watch the news before you came home?"

  
Your dad nods and rises to a stand. "I was really hoping your brother would be here for this."

  
"I can catch him up." You volunteer.

  
"Thank you, Dave." He's made his way to the front of the room, blocking the already off television. He clearly needs your full attention for whatever he's going to say. "I haven't been home a lot lately-"

  
"We noticed."

  
You get an elbow in the shoulder from Rose for the interruption. "Go on."

  
"I have a reason for that."

  
"I just assumed it was for work." Rose shrugs.

  
You elbow her in the shoulder.

  
"Dave, that was an actual relevant comment." She elbows you back.

  
"So the hell was mine." You return the elbow, a bit harder than necessary.

  
"Roxy, hold my tea." Rose holds her tea cup out so she can use her full force and not worry about spilling a scalding hot drink anywhere.

  
"On it." Roxy takes the cup and moves to sit on the arm of the couch, giving you and Rose plenty of room to continue your shoving match.

  
"You're going down, Lalonde!"

  
"Au contraire, Strider! This will prove to be a Lalonde victory once again, I guarantee it!"

  
"You can take your guarantee and cram it up your ass."

  
You're literally just sitting on the couch and pushing each other. Your father sighs and rubs his face with one hand.

  
"Can I finish? This is important."

  
"Yeah, sure." You stop your roughhousing, giving Rose the perfect opportunity to push you off the couch.

  
She takes it.

  
You topple off the couch and land safely to the floor, your shades askew. This has proven to be a Lalonde victory once again.

  
You settle back on the couch, Roxy sitting between you and Rose. She hands Rose her tea, and Rose sips at it with the air of a lady who did not just participate in a shoving match with her brother. "You were saying?"

  
"The reason I haven't been home very often is work related, but it's not the kind of work I usually do. How much did the news cover about the arrest?"

  
"Not a lot. Just that the boss of the Midnight Crew was arrested."

  
"Alleged boss." You add.

  
"Yes, the alleged boss of the Midnight Crew."

  
"Oh, he's definitely the boss." Your dad replies. "No, this time we caught the head of the Midnight Crew, that I know for sure."

  
"Dad, are you trying to say...you made the arrest?" Rose asks.

  
"Congratulations!" Roxy exclaims.

  
"Thank you, but it wasn't just me. It was a big effort for the entire station."

  
"Is that what's been keeping you? Working on this case?"

  
"Yes. Actually, it's been a little more complicated than that. The main reason I've been away from home for so long is..."

  
Wait a minute, is he?

  
No, no he wouldn't. There's no way that he would.

  
"I've been working undercover as a member of the Midnight Crew, Saturday is officially my last day there."

  
Well what do you know, he did.

  
You don't even have to pretend to be shocked like your sisters, you're legitimately surprised by this development. You didn't think he'd quit so soon. After a police raid like that? They would be looking for people on the inside, it would look suspicious if he quit now.

  
But a lot of other people were also quitting because of the raid and the arrest. If anything, this was perfect timing. If he stayed any longer and then quit, it would seem more suspicious than it is now. Yeah, now is a good time. It really is a now or never situation.

  
But...

  
what are you gonna do?

  
You joined the Crew to keep watch on your dad and make sure he was safe. Well, here he was, safe and sound and leaving the Crew.

  
Which begs the question: what the fuck are you gonna do?

  
Your job is done, you can quit now. You can turn around and never look back if you want.

  
But do you want that?

  
If you quit the Crew, you'll have to explain yourself. You'll have to say that the raid freaked you out, that you don't want to be arrested.

  
You'll have to tell Karkat that you'd rather quit and save yourself than help him.

  
You'll have to abandon him.

  
Even ignoring your crush on him, Karkat is still your friend. You'd like to think that you wouldn't do something like that to a friend, especially when you think they'll need you.

  
Not ignoring your crush on Karkat, if you quit now, you'll never get that chance that Kanaya was talking about.

  
If you stay, it'll be without an excuse. There's no father to potentially protect anymore, no information to uncover and consider giving to the police. No excuses. No reasons.

  
If you stay in the Crew, it'll be because you want to, and no other reason.

  
"How could you do that without telling us?" Rose's hurt tone pulls you back into the conversation.

  
"I wasn't allowed to. It could jeopardize the operation. Frankly, I'm not even supposed to be telling you at all, but I thought you deserved to know."

  
"Couldn't they have gotten somebody else to do it?" Roxy presses.

  
"No. The Midnight Crew is a carapace exclusive organization, and there aren't that many officers who fit the description who were willing to try."

  
"What was it like?" You hear yourself asking. "The Midnight Crew, what was being a member like?"

  
All three of them seem to stop and consider this question, Roxy and Rose looking expectantly up at your dad while he just stands there, silently, tapping his chin.

  
"It was..." he's choosing his words carefully, "not pleasant. Everything we did was so illegal I felt disgusting just watching it happen and knowing it would be awhile before I could do anything about it. I was given partners to work with, and I swear the kids involved couldn't have been much older than any of you. They didn't seem to care that any of what they were doing was against the law. It was terrible, one of the worst experiences of my life."

  
You nod, contemplating his response when the house phone rings.

  
"I'll get that." Your dad moves to the kitchen, where the cordless phone is kept.

  
Rose sighs at the inside of her tea cup. "I need more tea."

  
She returns to the kitchen, leaving you and Roxy on the couch.

  
"Oh thank god, I thought they would never leave!" Roxy groans in a relieved whisper.

  
"Why would you want them to leave?" You can't help but mimic her whisper.

  
"This is why." She sticks a hand down into her shoe and pulls out a folded up piece of paper, which she then drops onto your lap. "Voila."

  
You pick it up and examine it without unfolding it. "What the fuck is it?"

  
"The information Karkat wanted, that's what the fuck that is."

  
Oh, right, that thing you'd agreed to help him out with.

  
The murder thing.

  
You begin to unfold it slowly, like it'll explode if you unfold too quickly. It'll more likely rip before you reach anything resembling an explosion. "Why would you print it off instead of e-mailing it to him or something?"

  
Roxy shrugs. "I figured if the information was really that important, then sending it over something traceable like an e-mail would be a bad idea. So I printed it. I thought maybe you could give it to him tomorrow."

  
"Yeah, I could do that." You get it completely unfolded and hold the paper closer to the light so you can read it better.

  
You can't read this.

  
"This is in Alternian, isn't it?" You fold it back up.

  
"Yup."

  
"Why?"

  
"It's for Karkat, not for you."

  
That's a fair point. You stow it in your pocket and dig out your phone.

  
You open up pesterchum.

  
You click his handle.

  
You actually press send when you write something this time.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: id like to start off this pesterlog with saying that i dont expect you to respond because i know youre busy  
TG: now that thats out of the way make sure youre at school tomorrow because i have some information to pass on to you from a certain feline friendly sister of mine about a certain mr inigo montoya  
TG: okay in case that wasnt clear hey roxy got the info you wanted and i can give it to you at school tomorrow if you want  
TG: ill leave you to whatever the hell youre doing now  
TG: bye

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

You put your phone away just as your dad puts the house phone back.

  
"That was Dirk. He wants us to come pick him up now, if anyone wanted to come with."

  
"I suppose I could come." Rose says, you can hear her abandon her cup in the sink.

  
"I'll go too." Roxy bounces over to the door. You remain slumped on the couch.

  
"Dave, are you coming?"

  
"Nah, I'm good."

  
"If you don't come with, you relinquish every right to choosing a place to eat if we do a drive through."

  
"Rose, I am fully aware of the consequences, thanks."

  
"Okay, if you say so." You can hear the door begin to close behind her.

  
"Just don't get subway!" You shout last minute at the door. You hope she heard you.

  
You turn the tv back on. The news is over, and some weird sitcom has taken its place. You prefer the laugh track over the informational drone any day.

  
Your mind wanders from the contrived plot of the show to your current predicament. Should you leave the Crew, or should you stay?

  
Your reason is gone, but the thing is, you're not sure if you really want to leave. Do you really need a reason?

  
Yes, you do. Honestly, the only reason you want to stay is because you like the people in the Crew. Is that enough to keep you in, though?

  
If you don't leave now, then when will you?

  
When you get bored?

  
When the pressure becomes too much for you?

  
When you get discovered as a cop's kid?

  
No, no you can't have that happening. Your dad's done now, you can't put him at risk like that. You can't have anyone knowing that you lied to them.

  
If either side found out, there's no way it could end any way but badly.

  
You touch the folded up paper in your pocket and recall what you told Karkat at John's sleepover, before you'd even gotten into the Crew.

  
You told him you would help him find the troll responsible for the untimely death of his lusus and exact revenge.

  
You haven't done that yet. If you had any reason to stay in the Crew, fulfilling a promise made to a friend seems as good as any.

  
You'll stay in the Crew until you help Karkat finally resolve this matter with his lusus, and once that's over, you'll be free to go.

  
You made a promise, the least you could do is see it through.

  
You stroke the paper in your pocket and think about just how close you are to completing this task already.

  
Your time in the Midnight Crew is coming to a close sooner than you thought.

  
You've gotta make every fucking second count.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter made sense and wasn't boring to read.


	27. Chapter 27

It's a snowy Friday morning when you get to school with your head buzzing with anxious adrenaline and too much caffeine. Your hands are jammed into your pockets as you enter the building, fingers playing idly with the piece of paper in your pants pocket.

  
It's the same paper from yesterday, but a different pocket. The creases you folded into it to keep it discretely hidden there are probably permanent at this point. Not that it matters, it only just occurred to you that you could have achieved the same level of secrecy by putting it in a folder or something. Now you look unprofessional.

  
Speaking of unprofessional, you never bothered to pick a meeting place. You're just going to have to look for Karkat, you guess.

  
Nice job, Dave, that's the second time this week.

  
You set off on your search immediately. It really shouldn't take you that long to find him, you think. He's one wild haired, loud mouthed troll, how hard could it be?

  
Turns out, very.

  
You started by checking all the places he frequented. Or, you assumed he frequented. You don't actually know what he does in the mornings.

  
You checked in on his first hour class and found that the door wasn't even unlocked yet.

  
Obviously, there was no sign of Karkat there.

  
You popped into the library and poked around the stacks a bit, spying several students milling about picking out books.

  
None of the students were Karkat.

  
You scoured the cafeteria, there were more students here than there were in the library, as people preferred devouring food than literature so early in the morning. It was loud and crowded, and you remembered why you didn't like hanging out n the cafeteria at all.

  
Karkat clearly held the same opinion, as he wasn't there, either.

  
If you knew where his locker was, you would just go and chill there until he would inevitably show up, but you have no idea where his locker is.

  
You chill by a big window instead and watch the snow fall. You're tired from four minutes of pointless searching.

  
The easiest way to avoid all of this would have been to just pester him. You take out your phone to do so and open up pesterchum only to be interrupted by a tap on your shoulder. You turn around.

  
There he is. There he is with his unkempt hair and eyes that look like he's never heard of sleeping before.

  
He looks...not great. A little worse for ware, you think. That's to be expected, you guess, given all the steaming shit on his plate right now.

  
He waves a hand in front of your face, and you're not sure if it's supposed to be a hello or an attempt to get your attention.

  
"Hey, bulge pimple, are you done staring off into space yet? Earth to hipster douchebag, are you there or are you too busy jerking off to say good morning?"

  
Fuck, you're glad to see him.

  
"Karkat, that's the stupidest question I've ever heard. Obviously I'm not going to jerk myself off in space. There's no gravity, the jizz would get everywhere! Clean up would be literally impossible, my dick milk would just be left up there, floating between the stars and scattering my genetic juice all over the universe. No, Karkat, my semen is far too precious a commodity to be shared throughout the entirety of space. There will be no nillying my willy while in orbit."

  
Karkat wrinkles his nose in disgust, as if he wasn't the one who brought it up.

  
"Anyway," you continue, clearing your throat. "good morning."

  
You take a seat cross legged on the big window's sill and turn so you're facing Karkat, patting the spot in front of you for him to join you. He gives the spot a cursory glance before sighing and accepting your offer. There's enough room for him to sit comfortably with his legs straight out. His foot meets the length of your thigh, but doesn't touch it.

  
The paper is resting in your pocket and feels like it weighs ten pounds. "Did you watch the news yesterday?"

  
He shrugs and raises his arms above his head while arching his back, stretching. "Parts of it."

  
"So you know about what happened in Little Alternia last night?"

  
"Dave, even if I didn't watch the news last night, I would know about what happened. A lot of my friends live in Little Alternia, and it's not like any of them know how to close their squawk blaster."

  
"Speaking of friends-"

  
"Don't worry about it, Feferi and Aradia are fine." Karkat interrupts.

  
"How can you be so sure?" You inquire. "They were arrested yesterday."

  
"Yeah, and they got out an hour and a fucking half later, thanks to Feferi's fuschia power. She's the heiress to the entire Alternian empire, you know. All she had to do was splash her blood color around and pretend Aradia was one of her quadrant mates and the authorities let them both go without even so much as a god damn fine."

  
"Wow." And here you'd thought you would play nice guy and take notes for Aradia in your ancient civilizations class like she did when you got suspended. Guess that idea's out the window. "Sounds like having gills really pays the bills."

  
"I can't believe you just said that." Karkat snorts, shaking his head.

  
"Well you better start believing, because I just did."

  
You're not sure what to follow this up with, and you fall silent. Karkat turns his attention from you to the window, gaze focused on the snow drifting lazily downwards. You do the same. It's a calming sight. From the corner of your eye you can see Karkat's shoulders relax. For a moment, neither of you say anything and just enjoy the view.

  
Karkat is the first to break the silence, but he does so softly. His voice is barely above a whisper. "You said Roxy got the information?"

  
He's not looking at you, his eyes on the snow. You accompany your response with a nod, anyway, because you know he can see your reflection in the glass. "Yeah, she got through yesterday."

  
You're just as quiet as he is, it's like you're both trying to be careful with this soothing atmosphere and are afraid that raising your voices will cause it to shatter beyond repair, leaving you with the cold and the stress.

  
Either that, or you're trying to be secretive about what's going on, speaking quietly so as not to draw attention.

  
There is a good chance that it's both.

  
"That was fast as shit, you weren't kidding when you said she was good at this."

  
"I never kid about Roxy's hacker skill."

  
Karkat nods and tears his eyes away from the window and over to his shoes. "So, where is it, then?"

  
His eyes flick up to you expectantly, meeting yours behind your shades.

  
Here it is, the moment of truth. You swallow. "I got it right here."

  
You pull the folded up paper out of your pocket and begin handing it to him, but you pull back right before his fingers touch it.

  
"Dave, what the fuck? This isn't gym class, you can't play keep away right now."

  
"You're not supposed to play keep away in gym class, either." You point out. "It's not a real game. Listen...are you sure you want to do this?"

  
Karkat's eyebrows knit together in confusion. "Dave, what the hell are you talking about?"

  
"Are you completely, one hundred percent sure that you want to read what's on this paper and-"

  
Kill someone.

  
"-go ahead with the plan?"

  
Karkat takes on an unamused expression, like you just asked the stupidest question with the most obvious answer in the world. "I've been planning this out for sweeps, Dave, or course I want to do this. You don't have to if you're too much of a fucking cluckbeast to do it. You can just give me the paper and leave, I won't stop you."

  
You hand over the paper. This really isn't something you want to go along with. You don't think you're capable of killing whoever the fuck the paper tells you to. You don't think you can do this.

  
You definitely don't think Karkat can do it alone.

  
That's exactly what he'll try to do if you give up on him now.

  
You remain seated.

  
Karkat unfolds the first crease and looks at you. "You're still here."

  
He sounds surprised, but not unpleasantly so.

  
You nod. "Yeah, I think I'm gonna stick around for awhile."

  
You promised Karkat you'd help him.

  
You told yourself that you would quit the Crew as soon as you were finished with this one last job.

  
You're not ready to quit yet.

  
He unfolds the second and smooths the crease. "Listen, I know it sounded like I was snapping at you earlier, but I was serious. You really don't have to help me with this. Not if you don't want to."

  
You almost consider taking him up on that offer for a moment, this isn't something you want to do. Then you stop and think about why you're doing this. Why Karkat's doing this.

  
Whoever's name is on the paper killed Karkat's lusus in an attempt to get to Karkat.

  
Whoever's name is on the paper almost killed Terezi and left her blind because she was at the wrong place at the wrong time.

  
Whoever's name is on the paper tried to kill Karkat because his blood was the wrong color.

  
He was only six when it happened.

  
Just like that, you're confident in your resolve. "It's fine. I'm cool with seeing this out to the end. It would sort of be lame of me not to at this point. Hey, are you going to unfold that any faster? I'm dying to hear what it says and you're going extremely fucking slow. Dramatic slow motion slow. I feel like the time you actually open and read the damn thing the credits are going to roll and I'll have to wait a whole nother week before I get to know what it says. That's a terrible trick and it's not fair to your audience, Karkat. Shame on you. Shame."

  
"Alright, alright, fine!" Karkat opens up the paper, it crinkles loudly in his hands. He shoves the heavily creased paper practically in your face and waves it around. "Look, it's unfolded! See? Look at it, shit dip."

  
You snatch it away from him. "Yeah, I saw it but I can't read what the fuck it says." You shove it right up against his face. "Why don't you read it?"

  
You remove your hand, and the paper drops from his face. He looks irritated with you as he picks up the paper. You couldn't help but notice that he's not looking at it.

  
"Well, what are you waiting for? Get on with it already." You urge.

  
"I'm going to!" He snaps. "Just...give me a minute."

  
Karkat closes his eyes and holds the paper close. You watch him as he just sits there and takes deep, even breaths for a minute. There's an intensity that you can feel in the space between you that makes you want to turn back to the window again. You stay where you are with your eyes glued on Karkat. Whatever happens when he opens his eyes has the potential to alter the course of the rest of your life. Paying attention might be a good idea.

  
He opens his eyes, his shoulders relax, but in a way that you think is probably forced. He's trying to force himself into a calm and levelheaded state before reading the paper. Before reading the name of the one responsible for his lusus's death.

  
You understand why he'd be nervous.

  
You nudge his shoe with your hand. "You okay?"

  
He nods. "Yeah, I'm okay."

  
His eyes fall to the page, and he reads it. Something in his eyes shifts into shock and confusion as he reads it again, slower this time. His expression doesn't change as you watch his eyes continuously scan the page another three times before accepting what he was reading.

  
He folds the paper back up and lays it beside him before pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face in his hands.

  
"I can't believe it, I can't, I really fucking can't. How did I not see this? Are my look stalks just literally so full of shit that I couldn't fucking tell?" Karkat moans incoherently into his hands.

  
You wish you knew what was written on the paper to make him so upset. You're not really sure what to do right now.

  
You scoot a bit closer and poke a knee cautiously. "What is it? You wanna talk about it, dude?"

  
Karkat runs both of his hands through his hair and sighs loudly. "I just have a hard time accepting that, after all the time and effort I put into this, after the literal whole sweeps of my life that I'll never get back, all the obsessing and the planning and hypothetical situations that led me to it, that this is all I get for all that work."

  
He gestures towards the paper with disdain. "I can't say I'm surprised though, story of my fucking life."

  
"Hey, would you mind telling me what it said? That portion of the story didn't seem to translate to English very well."

  
Karkat blinks at you as if he doesn't understand the question. "The order...didn't come from anyone."

  
You're confused. "What do you mean? Someone must have said something, right? How the fuck did any of that shit happen if they didn't."

  
Karkat wraps his arms around his knees and looks at the floor. "I'm not...I'm not entirely sure how to explain this."

  
"Just explain everything as best you can." You poke his foot with your own in what's supposed to be a comforting, encouraging gesture. You're not sure if that got through.

  
You see his lip twitch up a bit as he returns the nudge. He got what you meant.

  
"When Alternia blew up," he begins slowly, "Her Imperial Condescension managed to get us settlements, colonies, all over the galaxy. Our civilization was miraculously saved through interplanetary relations. The real problems with this system didn't arise until everyone was settled in already on the new planets. See, it's one thing to be the supreme overlord of one giant planet, it's an entirely different thing to be the supreme overlord of a shit ton of galactic refugees. For one thing, it's a hell of a lot harder to keep track of things happening all over the universe when compared to all of the shit being concentrated in one area. Alternia was mostly left to fend for itself, we didn't really have a great system to relay things to our Empress, we'd never really had the need to. We don't exactly have an amazing system now either, you saw how easy it was for Feferi and Aradia to disrupt that signal. Yeah, they probably had Sollux working with them, but even he wouldn't be able to take down a signal that was as advanced as, say, our ships or our weaponry."

  
You're not sure where he's going with this.

  
He continues. "Now imagine that system sixteen years ago. You know how in the nineteen-eighties the internet was slow as fuck and you could access a total of three websites? It was like that, except the internet connection was crappy on Earth and almost non-existent in deep space. Everything took so much fucking longer than it needed to, the most pointless and fucking mundane filing had to be done by all sides before anything could happen, and in most cases that meant submitting the information to the Empress."

  
"Karkat, what are you saying?" You have a bad feeling about this story.

  
"Hold your fucking hoofbeasts, Dave, I'm getting there." That didn't sound reassuring to you. "This system was implemented not long before I hatched. Actually, according to that, it was the fourth file to be submitted to the Empress with the new system. The file was a record of the blood colors of the surviving grubs after exiting the caverns. Just a routine thing. All she would have to do was stamp it and then it would go into some registry or whatever the fuck and that would be that, it would never be seen again. It should have been a file that didn't matter, and it wouldn't have, except for the fact that I was on it. So the Empress signed the thing with a note that I should be culled as soon as possible." He looks at you, his grey eyes searching yours behind your shades. You're not sure what for. "Dave, do you understand?"

  
You swallow and nod your head. You feel sick. "But...why did it take so long, if that's what happened? If it was supposed to be immediate?"

  
Karkat laughs. It's a humorless, bitter sound. "That's the thing, though. Our system was so bad, it literally took three years for the Empress to receive the file and another three to send it back."

  
Karkat rests his head on one arm, the hand on the other pressing against stomach through the fabric of his shirt that's covering his scar.

  
The scar he got because space has shitty wifi.

  
You suppose it's better than the alternative. Hella fast internet and infanticide.

  
He's facing outside again staring out the window at the soft fall of snow, but seeing none of it. His focus and his thoughts are somewhere else, far away from you and the snow and the school day that's about to begin.

  
He looks tired, like he's ready to let all his systems just collapse and shut down indefinitely. You don't blame him for that.

  
"I...guess that means the plan's off, then." You can't tell if Karkat's paying attention. It feels like you're talking to yourself.

  
Karkat turns his head to face you and blinks, processing what you said as he comes back to focus on what's happening now. "No," his voice still holds that distant quality that his eyes held just a second ago. His voice is soft, and you realize that neither of you have yet to raise your voices above a whisper, "the plan's still on, I'm just skipping ahead to the second part."

  
The second part? There's a part two to this?

  
"What's the second part?" Maybe you won't have to quit so soon, after all.

  
He shakes his head. "I can't tell you that, Dave. It's just some shit I have to do on my own. By myself."

  
You're not sure if you like how purposefully cryptic that response was. You have a feeling he's only not telling you everything because he knows, he fucking knows that whatever he's planning is a bad idea and you'll try to fight him on it.

  
That thought leaves an acidic taste in the back of your throat.

  
Maybe if you try hard enough you can convince him to let you help, or at least to tell you more of his plan. He already knew you were willing to kill someone with him, how much worse could this plan be?

  
"Karkat-"

  
You're interrupted by the bell. Classes are starting in five minutes, but you couldn't care less than right now. You remain seated as Karkat stands, stretches, gathers his things, all at a sedated pace. He shoves the folded piece of paper into his backpack.

  
"Thanks." He slings his backpack onto one shoulder. "For bringing me that."

  
You nod. "No problem."

  
"And thank Roxy for me, too. When you see her."

  
You're nodding again, you can't seem to find the words you want to say. "Sure."

  
You need more time to formulate the things you want to say, and the way to phrase them so they don't come out wrong. You just need more time with him.

  
You just need more time.

  
Maybe you should walk him to class.

  
"Karkat, hey, do you want me to-"

  
"I have to go." He says before you can finish. "Bye, Dave."

  
Before you can manage a response, he disappears into the class bound crowd.

  
Karkat's already gone, and you're left standing here alone.

  
The feeling of foreboding pulsing through your blood as you walk to class makes you think today's gonna suck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies to anyone who was really interested in the potential murder portion of this fic. Sorry.  
> I really hope none of that sounded stupid, because I know next to nothing about space travel or how the internet would really work in deep space, much less how fast the connection would be.  
> That being said, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter!


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Suddenly Sadstuck*  
> I know people usually say sorry not sorry in situations like this, but in this case I am genuinely sorry.

You're sitting on your couch, bored on a Saturday night. It's just you and Jaspers, all your siblings were out on dates and your dad was stuck at work. He told you he had a lot of paperwork to do, along with some interrogation he had to handle.

  
It was probably Jack he was interrogating.

  
You decide to distract yourself with something on tv and try to stop thinking about that. Unfortunately, the tv stations seemed to think that everyone had something better to do with their night than watch tv. The only thing you could find on tonight was just reruns and programs you weren't interested in.

  
You share an exasperated look with Jaspers, who walks over to you and rubs up against you. You scratch him under the chin and sigh wearily. You're so bored. There's only one thing you can think of to do.

  
You take out your phone.

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: i hope youre having fun on your date because im bored as fuck right now  
TT: Yes, Dave, I am having fun on my date. It's actually quite the educational experience.  
TG: dont tell me youre learning a lot about troll anatomy  
TG: im guessing its a real hands on experience  
TG: really hitting the books there arent you  
TG: im sorry i mistyped i meant boobs  
TT: Might I remind you that this is in fact a study date. I really am hitting the books with Kanaya right now.  
TT: Despite my suggestions that we attempt to study kinesthetically, there has been an unfortunate lack in any sort of physical education.  
TG: it sounds like youre having just as boring a time as me that sucks for you man sorry  
TT: On the bright side, I have learned a few intereting facts on this date. Did you know that the Alternian Embassy handles all instances of culling in Little Alternia?  
TG: thats fucking lame  
TG: if i wanted to learn shit i would have gone to school today  
TT: It's Saturday, Dave.  
TG: way to make my point for me rose thank you  
TG: damn and here i was bugging you to one interrupt your date and two to bug you on your date  
TG: also i wanted to know what was up with you guys because i dont know if i mentioned this yet but im bored as fuck  
TT: If you're really that bored, couldn't you simply go on a date with your own significant other?  
TG: yeah i guess i could thats definitely a viable option  
TG: know what im gonna see if hes down and out with hanging out and getting down  
TG: ill pester you again if he doesnt respond  
TT: No need to rush.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

You're about to pester Karkat when a different plan hits you. Jake picked Dirk up from school today to go play laser tag or something. The car was here with you tonight. You could easily take it and drive to Karkat's house to ask him out in person.

  
A spontaneous gesture like that is exactly the kind of shit that would go down in those romcoms he likes so much. There's no way in hell he wouldn't love something like that.

  
He'd probably say yes right on the spot.

  
You don't know why you're still trying to convince yourself of this plan, since you're already out the door with the car keys in hand.

  
The only issue with this plan is what you're going to ask him to do with you.

  
Your first instinct is coffee, pretty much any time you've hung out outside of school or Crew meetings or group outings was when you were refueling on caffeine. Plus, the last time you went out and had coffee with Karkat was fun as fuck. You already have history with coffee dates with Karkat, which is probably why it was your first instinct.

  
The only problem is is that it's seven at night, which is a weird as shit time to go out for coffee. You don't have a valid excuse to grab coffee at this point.

  
You don't have a lot of dating experience, so you're not sure what else people do on dates. Movies, you guess. Movies seems like a good option. You already know that Karkat likes movies, and you can imagine with all the shit that's happened to him recently that he'd like to escape reality and forget for a little while.

  
What was even playing right now? You know what, it probably didn't matter. You could check out what's playing when you got the "yes".

  
What are you going to do if he hasn't eaten yet? You wonder this as you drive, you're almost to Karkat's house.

  
If he hasn't eaten yet, the both of you will gorge on snacks and junk food at the movie. Or, if you had time, you could go to a restaurant and get something more substantial. It would have to be someplace nice, but not too fancy. Somewhere you could definitely take a bro to on a casual outing while still being nice enough to take a date on in case your time with Karkat isn't clearly defined by then. Which, let's face it, it probably won't be.

  
Where would you even go with those vague parameters? Something that's inbetween a burger joint and a French bistro? Do you even have anything like that here? You've never really given much thought to the restaurants in town before. You know of a diner and several cafes, but that's about it.

  
You're still debating internally over what kind of restaurant that would be exactly when you reach your destination. You get out of the car and run up to the front door. You can feel your skin practically buzzing with nervous energy and excitement. You raise a hand to knock on the door.

  
You don't knock.

  
It's Saturday. Karkat might be busy with Crew stuff. He's been busy with Crew stuff all week. Today, the day he usually conducts a meeting, wouldn't be any different. You shouldn't bother him. You start to lower your hand.

  
Then again, you reconsider, it's only seven. Meetings for the Midnight Crew don't start until midnight. You and Karkat had both agreed that that was stupid.

  
You raise your hand again, and your knuckles almost hit the door when another thought hits you first.

  
The last time you saw Karkat was yesterday morning, when he became distant and drained and started moving on autopilot. Watching him like that was sort of chilling, especially knowing that you were the one who delivered the message that caused a reaction like that.

  
All the more reason to do this.

  
If Karkat was still acting off, then wasn't it your job as his friend to help him through this ordeal? Well, no, not technically, but you've already made up your mind about your own hypothetical question. Even if it wasn't something you had to do, you were going to do it anyway.

  
You knock and brace yourself for whatever's going to happen.

  
The door opens on Ms. Paint, standing in the doorway looking surprised.

  
"Oh, hello, Dave. What brings you over?"

  
"Hey, Ms. Paint. I, um, saw you on the news the other day. You were pretty cool."

  
"Oh, thank you! Were you here looking for Karkat?"

  
You nod. "Yeah, actually. Is he home?"

  
"I'm sorry, he's not." She says with a shake of her head. "He's spending the night at Kanaya's."

  
"Okay." You try to keep the disappointment out of your voice. "Thanks, anyway. See you around."

  
"Good-bye, Dave."

  
Ms. Paint closes the door, and you head back to the car. It seems like you were better off pestering Karkat like you'd originally planned.

  
You start the car, and just as you pull out of the driveway something Ms. Paint said strikes you as odd.

  
She said that Karkat was at Kanaya's. Which makes sense, given what's going on with him right now. Some time spent with his moirail would probably be good for him. You understand that.

  
...but Kanaya's out on a date with Rose.

  
There's no way Kanaya would ever leave Karkat alone so she could go out on a date. Fuck, there's no way _Rose_ would agree to going out on a date if she knew Kanaya was needed elsewhere.

  
No, Karkat isn't spending the night at Kanaya's. Or if he is, it isn't going to be for awhile.

  
So...where _is_ he?

  
You're starting to get worried. You can practically feel it choking out the excitement you reveled in coming here earlier.

  
Your guess is he's somewhere in Little Alternia. The only explanation you can think of for him using Kanaya as an excuse would be that he needed a ride there, since it's way too cold to walk and he can't drive yet. Wherever his real destination is, it's in Little Alternia.

  
You drive past your apartment and pick up speed. You're going to Little Alternia.

  
Whatever Karkat's doing, you have a really bad feeling about it.

  
You need to get there before he does something stupid, like whatever that second part of his plan was that he mentioned yesterday.

  
Just the thought of that makes you drive faster.

  
You know you've reached Little Alternia for sure when you can no longer read any of the street signs. It occurs to you as you slow the car down to a reasonable speed in what you think is a residential area that you have no fucking clue where Kanaya lives. Even if you knew an address, or just the street name, it wouldn't make a difference. All the signs are in Alternian.

  
You rue the day you signed up for Spanish as your foreign language credit.

  
You settle in for the very real possibility of spending the rest of the night driving around looking for someone who may or may not have done something really stupid already. You have no idea what you're going to do if-

  
when

  
-when you find him, but you can think about that after. You need to focus on the right now.

  
You drive around aimlessly with your eyes peeled for a solid fifteen minutes before it starts to snow again and the temperature drops to below zero. You turn up the heat in your car, engage the windshield wipers, and keep looking through the flurry.

  
It's another ten minutes before you spot a figure in the distance. You hope silently that it's not just a trick of the streetlight and the heavy fall of snow as you cruise closer. With every foot of distance that is closed between you, you begin to decipher a familiar silhouette.

  
That's him, that's definitely him.

  
You slow down to a crawl and roll down your window, releasing a stream of hot air into the night. He turns around at your approach and watches your car with a quizzical look that changes into annoyance when you pull up next to him.

  
"Get in, loser, we're going shopping."

  
His eyebrows are furrowed above his glare, lip curled back in a crooked toothed snarl. His arms are crossed over his chest in a combination of ire and heat conservation. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

  
His shiver is noticeable. He's not wearing a coat. "I could be asking you the same thing."

  
His eyes drift to down the street where his destination lies, invisible to the eye by perception of distance and obscuring snow. "I'm going to Kanaya's, shitlord. Could you fuck off and choke on a barkbeast's slurry somewhere else now?"

  
You remain undeterred. "You're not going to Kanaya's, Karkat. You and I both know that. She's out on a date with my sister right now."

  
Karkat turns back to you, annoyed expression replaced with a practiced surprise. "First I've heard of it. I was on my way to her hive right now."

  
It's a really good mask, you'll give him that much. If you hadn't spent so much time with him, you probably would have fell for it. Every inch of his face was correctly expressive, from the raise of his eyebrows to the curve of his mouth. It was just his eyes that gave him away. They were guarded and frozen, like a steel safe keeping a close hold on all his emotions, all his secrets, all his truths.

  
Something was up, and you weren't leaving until you figured out what.

  
"Yup." You reply with a shrug, playing along. "I have no clue when she'll be back. Probably hours from now, is my best guess. The door's probably locked, too. You're better off just going home instead of waiting for her for fuck knows how long in this bad weather. Come on, I'll give you a ride home."

  
You open the passenger side door in invitation. Karkat doesn't even look at it, he just turns away from you and keeps walking. You start following him.

  
"Come on, Karkat, just get in the car!" You shout at him.

  
"No, fuck you!"

  
He's hunched forward and shivering harder than before as the wind picks up from a whisper to a low moan.

  
"Karkat, stop being an obstinate fuckwad and get in already! You're gonna freeze to death!"

  
"I'd rather die a fucking popsicle than get into that disgusting scuttle buggy with you!"

  
"...what the fuck is a scuttle buggy?"

  
"Leave me alone!"

  
He starts walking faster, and you barely press your toe on the gas to keep up.

  
It's the lamest car chase in history.

  
"Where are you going? I told you, I know you're not going to Kanaya's!"

  
He's ignoring you, but he's not picking up speed.

  
"Come on, Karkat, just tell me!"

  
"Karkat!"

  
"Karkat Karkat Karkat Karkat!"

  
"I promise I'll leave you alone if you tell me where you're going!"

  
That stops him in his tracks. He turns back to you, arms still crossed over his chest, still shivering, still stubborn as hell. His breath plumes in front of him with every quick exhalation as his face shifts in thoughtful consideration, eyes drifting upwards, downwards, eyebrows knitting together and separating again, bottom lip being chewed. He's directly beneath a streetlamp, the snow brightly illuminated as it dances around him.

  
It's actually a really pretty scene.

  
If the moment weren't so serious, you would definitely take a picture of it. Of him. You choose instead to try to photograph it in your head and try to replicate it at some later date. Preferably you will relate the source material to a friend who can actually draw, you're not confident enough that your skills will be able to capture the moment correctly.

  
"Alright," there's a finality to the way he sighs that does nothing to calm the growing tension you're feeling. "I'll tell you if it means you'll get the fuck out of here. I'm not going to Kanaya's. I'm..." Another sigh escapes and the breath that it manifests clouds in front of him and disappears into the light. You watch it go and turn your gaze back to Karkat. He seems to be having a difficult time getting out what he's trying to say, and that only adds to your worry. "I'm going to the Embassy."

  
His eyes flick towards you, gauging a reaction. It's the first time he's looked at you, _really_ looked at you, all night.

  
You have no idea what you must look like right now. You're frozen, paralyzed in your current position physically while mentally you are a swirling vortex of fraying nerves and connecting dots.

  
Why would he need to go to the Embassy? What could possibly happen at the Embassy that Karkat felt the need to go there and lie about it so vehemently?

  
_"The KOB are marching to the Alternian Embassy to protest the culling of mutant bloods"_ the news had said.

  
Did you know that the Alternian Embassy handles all instances of culling in Little Alternia? your sister mentioned when you pestered her today.

  
But...this is Karkat you're talking about. He wouldn't....

  
_He wouldn't._

  
There is no _way_ he'd-

  
Would he?

  
You somehow manage to regain control of your mouth and your voice. "And what were you planning on doing at the Embassy?"

  
You're surprised by how quiet and calm you sound when you ask that. Karkat's reaction, however, is the polar opposite.

  
"I don't owe you a fucking _explanation_ , Dave!" He's defensive and volatile, his voice like the crack of a whip in the silence. He knows exactly what you're implying. "You said you'd leave me alone if I told you where I was going, and I did! So leave. Just fucking go. Just turn around, drive away, and don't even fucking _think_ about turning back. Go."

  
You don't move. You're finding it very difficult to do at the moment.

  
Karkat lets out a strangle cry and throws his hands up into the air. "Fine! Don't leave! Stay the fuck where you are. I don't give an oinkbeast's shit of a damn what you do at this point, Dave. I'm going."

  
With a flourish of his hand he offers you his middle finger as a final grand gesture before he storms off. You can hear the snow crunching underneath his feet, the sound growing softer with expanding distance.

  
You're left sitting in your car, window and passenger side door open wide and releasing heat into the cold darkness. The fact that you're essentially wasting fuel as you idle here couldn't matter to you less right now. What matters right now is Karkat.

  
What matters right now is you stopping him from doing what you know he's going to do.

  
What matters right now is getting your fucking legs to move.

  
Karkat Vantas will actually _die_ if you don't do something about this.

  
That's the thought that thaws you out and gets the adrenaline pumping through your system. You regain feeling in your legs. You get out of the car.

  
Karkat's already all the way down the street. He's just this little dark blob inching forward in the chill. You're not exactly sure where the Embassy is in relation to where you stand, but you know that every step he takes is another step closer to it. You have to stop him.

  
You have to stop him _now_.

  
You run.

  
Your feet and your heart are both pounding, and somewhere along the way your shades were bounced so hard they slipped off your nose and hang crookedly on your face. The snow is stinging your one exposed eye.

  
"Karkat!" You yell when you get closer and startle him enough that he jumps. Karkat turns around at the sound and moves out of your way, you let the momentum slow you without forcing a stop. You turn around so you're facing him, blocking his path.

  
"Karkat, listen to me." You fix your shades and, uncertain of what to do with your hands, clap them onto his shoulders. "I know...I know that things have been really shitty for you recently, with Jack getting arrested and the Crew falling apart and not being able to avenge your lusus and all, but I promise, I _promise_ that things will get better eventually. Just...give it some time, okay? Believe me when I say that this...what you're doing right now...isn't the answer. It's not the answer to anything. If you end things how they are now, you'll never have the chance to see them get better."

  
Karkat rolls his eyes at you, seemingly unaffected by your pleas. "Really, Dave? Things will get better? Which things? Which of my mistakes are going away with the bandaid of time? The Crew will be fine, I know that much. It's just rooting out the weak ones. This isn't the first time shit like this has happened. What hasn't happened before is Jack being arrested. Even if he gets out-because even though I was fucking confident on him being released within the week, I'm becoming less and less certain of that with every day that passes, Dave-it won't erase the fact that _I_ was the reason he got arrested in the first place. I held him up. I was a stubborn ass and I didn't want to leave without Kanaya, and he got arrested looking for her. As for avenging my lusus? I just wanted to put the blame on someone else so I could delude myself into believing I was a victim for awhile. I knew the truth. I knew the truth the whole time. That entire thing was my fault. My lusus's death, Terezi's blindness, all me. All because of my mutant blood. So tell me, Dave, explain to me, how the fuck are things supposed to get better?"

  
You don't have a rebuttal. You're completely floored. You, Dave Strider, have been rendered speechless.

  
You're sifting through the information in your head for something, anything, to convince him that he's wrong. That things will get better. That staying alive is the best option. The only option.

  
"Y-your plan." You reply weakly. Your voice is shaking, but the tremble isn't from the cold. "What about the second part of your plan?"

  
There's that surprise face again, only this time it's genuine. You can see the dumbfounded glint in the grey. This expression confuses and concerns you deeply.

  
Then he laughs. He fucking _laughs_ , and the sound is bitter and anguished and heartbreaking.

  
It's when he's laughing that it hits you, but you don't want to believe it.

  
It's when he's laughing while he cries that you finally do.

  
"Dave," he chokes between sobs, "this _is_ the second part."

  
Karkat's breaking down in front of you, tears glistening red as they stream down his face, and you are at a loss. This is so much more than what you expected to happen tonight. You left your apartment because you wanted to surprise Karkat and maybe help him forget about issues he was currently dealing with for awhile. Now here you are, an hour later, surprised by Karkat and trying to help him forget about the deep seated issues he's dealing with. Not a lot has changed from your original plan, but the night has taken enough of a deviated detour that you no longer have any clue how to operate. You don't know what to do, you've never been in this kind of situation before. You don't know how to convey your thoughts and emotions in a way that will make him understand just how much he means to you. You don't know what to do.

You have no idea what you're doing until your lips collide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _At least they kissed_


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Long chapter ahead. This actually took me forever to write. Unfortunately, I'm still not sure if it turned out as well as I'd hoped. I might have to go back and do some editing later. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter :)

Dave Strider is kissing you in the snow, and the first thought that pops into your head is that everyone must assume you're fucking dense when it comes to matters of the bloodpusher.

  
_He's moving his mouth so slowly, but he's pressing his lips against your own and nudging your mouth open in a way that's so tenderly agonizing that your fucking knees are weak._

  
Of course you knew Dave liked you, of course you did. How could you not? It was as obvious as those shitty shades he wears everywhere. This also wasn't the first time you'd been aware of someone having a crush on you. So you did what you did every other time this happened. You waited it out. Eventually he'd get over you, he'd realize you were too annoying or too loud or too stubborn or too something else. You've done this before, you know what to expect.

  
What you didn't expect was that you'd start feeling the same.

  
_Holy shit, his mouth is warm. Warm like sunlight on an autumn afternoon. You never thought you'd have to describe what someone's mouth feels like. It's just so warm and nice and...fuck, you can't describe anything better than that, but you know it's better than that. You know it's better than that. It's not indescribable, your pan is just melting so quickly that you can't find the words._

  
You didn't do anything about it when you realized you reciprocated. Dave liked you, yes, but that didn't automatically mean he would go out with you. You didn't think you could handle a rejection on top of everything else that was happening to you. Then that fucking file came and you learned exactly what had happened all those sweeps ago. The one thing that had been keeping you going for so long suddenly disappeared. Vanished. Gone.

  
_He tastes sweet. You weren't expecting that. His mouth is sweet and warm and wonderful. There's heat coursing through your body, and electricity in the small spaces separating the two of you. Your certain he can hear how loud and fast your bloodpusher is pumping. You don't care, you just want to stay here, exchanging breath and body heat with Dave forever. You don't think you could leave even if you wanted to. All your bones are water. You feel so weak, pressed up against him like this, hands clutching at his shirt in an effort to both draw him closer and keep you upright. You feel so weak. So weak._

  
You're so fucking weak. All you ever do is hurt everyone you love. Just look at what happened to your lusus. Look what happened to Terezi. Jack, too.

  
Someday you're going to hurt your mom. You're going to hurt Kanaya.

  
You're going to hurt Dave.

  
This isn't speculation on your part, you know this as fact. There were things on that file that you hadn't told Dave.

  
That file said that they knew. They knew you were still alive, somewhere out there. They fucking knew you escaped, harmed but alive. You can't believe you hadn't thought about it before but of course they would know. Adoption papers would have had to go through both sides. It didn't matter that you'd been filed under "Anonymous" on your hemotyping form, your name was still on it. The only reason you hadn't been culled yet was because you weren't technically an Alternian citizen any more. But you were still a troll, and as soon as you turn ten you can expect nothing less than a Cull on Sight order from the Empress.

  
_There's an unpleasant saltiness that reminds you of blood and the ocean. You realize that it's you, you're still crying. Dave's hands are on your face and he's brushing the tears away with his thumbs, but you can still taste the residual salt._

  
Soon, you won't be able to hide anywhere. You'll be as visible as when you were a wriggler, and you won't be able to do anything about it. You won't want to. The people you love, though? The people who love you back? You know they'll try to protect you, defend you from the inevitable. You can't let them do that. No one will care how many you have on your side, who are willing to stand by you and keep you safe. Your friends might die trying to keep you alive. You're not worth that much effort.

  
You're a mutant. You're not worth anything.

  
The only reason you were still alive in the first place was to avenge your lusus. He died protecting you, and you were so grateful to him for everything he did for you. He hadn't deserved to die, the least you could do for him was cull the asshole bastard responsible.

  
Apparently you couldn't even do that much.

  
On Thursday you'd decided it was about time you just did what you'd always intended to do. Of course, originally you'd just planned on disappearing somewhere else and getting it over with as quickly as possible. If you did that, though, there was a chance the Empire might not realize it was you since obituaries outside of Little Alternian press didn't give a shit about blood color. No, you had to make sure they knew it was you. They would know that you weren't a coward, that you weren't afraid to die.

  
_How long have you been shaking?_

  
You're going to the Embassy, and you're going to stand there in front of the first important person you see, and you'll show them your scars. You'll show them the disfiguring vibrancy of your scar tissue, and then they'll cull you.

  
That'll be then end of it. Just as planned.

  
You aren't going to deviate from the plan.

  
Dave Strider is kissing you in the snow, and the last thing you think is that he has really shitty timing.

  
_Dave's still kissing you, and it's still slow and sweet and tender and just...comforting. You never thought of a kiss like that before. You want to stay here forever. You really do._

  
You know you can't.

  
You're glad that your first kiss is the last thing you'll experience before you die.

  
_You open your mouth wider to let him in, and he's quick to respond. The sensation of his tongue, so warm and foreign and alive, sends shivers down your spine. You don't want to stop._

  
You know you have to stop.

  
You bite down on Dave's mouth and push him away from you. You taste blood that isn't yours as you stand over him, shocked with his lips torn up by your teeth and his ass in the snow. You wipe his blood off your face and the remaining tears staining your cheeks.

  
"What part of this situation made you think that was a good idea?" You yell. Or you try to, but your voice is shaky and thick from the tears and it breaks halfway through. You sound more pathetic than pissed.

  
Dave doesn't seem to notice, too busy touching the fresh wounds you'd inflicted on his mouth. You sort of feel bad about it, but not enough to do anything.

  
You walk past him and away, wishing you had enough energy to actually run. Honestly, you're surprised you're still walking, your knees still haven't fully recovered from the intensity of that kiss yet.

  
If Dave had picked literally any other time, you would have melted straight into him and never so much as entertained the thought of leaving. You know that, and you're embarrassed to admit that you think Dave knows that, too.

  
You manage to get yourself to walk a bit faster. You haven't heard any noises behind you, no crunching of snow, no heaving breath, nothing. You think Dave might be done following you now. He's not going to stop you. He's letting you go.

  
He's done trying to save you.

  
Good.

  
You continue forward.

  
You cry out in surprise as something cold smashes against your neck and explodes upon impact, sending frozen shrapnel into your hair and down your shirt.

  
You turn around, rubbing your poor, freezing neck, to see Dave still sitting in the snow and armed with snow balls.

  
What the fuck.

  
"Don't you dare take another step, or I'll be forced to throw another one." He calls out to you threateningly.

  
"How the fuck is that supposed to stop me?"

  
He flings another one your direction, and it splatters across your face before you can so much as dodge.

  
"Like that."

  
Okay, fuck no. Two could play that game. You scoop up a pile of snow, form it into something resembling a ball, and toss it at him.

  
You miss by three feet.

  
"Get closer so I can hit you properly, you fucking nookstain." You shout at him.

  
"Nah, I'm good over here. Why don't you come this way? I'll give you half of my artillery and we could really go at it, if you know what I mean. Come on, what do you say?"

  
You know what he's trying to do. You shake your head. "Dave, I'm not doing that. Just...just go home, okay? Bye."

  
You turn back around and started walking. You're immediately pelted from behind by snowballs. "Karkat, you can't do this!" Dave's yelling behind you.

  
"Karkat, stop!"

  
You keep going. You have no idea how much further the Embassy is from here. You hope not far. "Karkat!" He's still yelling, but he's closer now, you can tell. "This isn't going to make anything better! You know that, right? This is just going to make things worse for everyone else."

  
His voice is lowering, he's gaining on you. The snowballs have stopped.

  
He grabs your hand, and you try to pull away. His grip is tight.

  
"Karkat, you're just hurting everyone by doing this."

  
That's what gets you. You struggle harder against him. "No, I'm not! That's what I'm preventing, you precum soaked trash! Let me go!"

  
Unexpectedly, he does. You fall hard, directly into a snow bank. Dave gets down onto his knees in front of you, but says nothing.

  
"E-everyone will be fine." You argue weakly. You feel like you're close to tears again. You're so weak.

  
Dave shakes his head and stretches a hand out to you, stroking your arm. "No they won't, Karkat. They won't be fine. Not if you do this."

  
_That's a lie. They'd be better off without you, and you know it. They might not agree at first, but they'll understand later. They'll be glad you did this. Everything will be better for them if you do. They'll be safe. That's what matters._

  
You know it's a lie, but you nod anyway. You're too tired to argue.

  
"Karkat," he continues, his voice is soft and soothing. It's barely above a whisper. "you're not fine."

  
_No, that's a lie. That's a lie, too. You're completely fucking fine, you're nothing but fine. You know exactly what you're doing, this is all your decision, you've planned this out for sweeps. You're fine. You're fine you're fine you're fine you're fine you're fine-_

  
"I'm scared." You say, shaking your head. You feel so weak. So small and tired and pathetic. You shouldn't exist. "I'm so scared, Dave. I-"

  
You don't even finish whatever it was you were going to say. For the second time tonight, you break down in front of Dave. You're shaking so hard from the cold and the tears and the fear and you don't know what to do anymore, you've lost control. You're sitting here in the snow in front of Dave, unable to form coherent sentences and wiping at your face with your hands while you cry like a fucking pupa which is definitely how you feel right now.

  
Dave's looking at you with this strange expression on his face that's hard to distinguish for sure between the blur from your tears and the cover of his shades. Before you can pin down for sure what that face is and what it means, he's wrapping his arms around your trembling body and pulls you in closer to him.

  
"Shh," He's rubbing circles into your back with one hand. "It's okay now. You're safe."

  
You're taking in lungfuls of air in an effort to steady your bloodpusher into an even rhythm, but you can't seem to calm yourself down no matter how hard you try.

  
"I-I don't want to die."

  
He gathers you up so you're no longer sitting in the snow and embraces you so tightly that space no longer exists between the both of you. "I know, Karkat. No one does."

  
The way Dave is holding you so closely, caressing you and letting you cry into his shirt like this, is the palest thing you've ever experienced in your life. This only proves your theory that you are a pale slut.

  
"Does anyone else know you're here?" He finally asks, pulling you gently away from him so he can look at you.

  
You shake your head.

  
"Okay. How about I take you home?" He starts to get up before you can answer, but you don't budge and pull him back down to you.

  
"I can't go home." You're wiping the last of your tears off your face, finally managing to stop. "If I go home now, my mom will know something happened."

  
Dave's shoulders sag when you say that. "Were you not planning on telling your mom?"

  
"Of course I wasn't! I didn't plan on telling anyone."

  
"I...really don't think that's a good idea. This definitely seems like the type of shit you should talk out with someone." Dave continues before you can say anything. "We can discuss that later. Right now let's focus on getting you someplace warm, you must be freezing since you don't have a fucking coat on for some reason."

  
You decide not to go into detail about how you thought it would be suspicious to take a coat with you when your mom was going to drop you off literally three steps from Kanaya's hive only to recall halfway there that that is definitely a thing you would do and it was actually more suspicious that you didn't bring one, you fucking moron. At that point it was too late to turn back and get one, so you decided to freeze on your way to the Embassy instead.

  
Instead of saying any of that, you just nod and let Dave help you up.

  
"The car's this way." He has a hand pressed into the small of your back as he guides you towards it. You think he might be worried about you running away. You don't have any energy to do that even if you wanted to.

  
He left the car idling, window rolled down and both doors thrown open in his haste to catch you. He leads you over to the passenger's seat and closes the door once you're inside the car. He gets in, closes the door and rolls the window up, and turns up the heat for you.

  
"There should be tissues in the glove compartment." He says without explanation.

  
This prompts you to take a look of yourself in the rearview mirror.

  
"Holy shit, I look disgusting."

  
"No, you look like someone who just cried for twenty minutes."

  
"That was twenty minutes?"

  
"About, yeah." Dave nods. "You should probably blow your nose, dude. You've got a wicked amount leaking out right now."

  
You cover your nose with the sleeve of your sweater while you rummage around the glove compartment. "I didn't-"

  
"Get any on me? Nope. My clothes are snot free, thanks for asking."

  
You find one of those travel packs of tissues and take out a handful, replacing your sleeve with the tissues.

  
"If you want, you could spend the night at my place. You know, since you don't want to go home."

  
He waits for your response as you think it over. After a moment of deliberation, meaning after a moment spent trying to figure out what you were going to do with all these nasty tissues once you were done leaking snot everywhere and finally deciding that you would just hold on to them until you found a proper waste receptacle, you nod.

  
Dave peals out of his makeshift parking spot and heads out of Little Alternia. You don't look back the whole drive.

  
\---

You manage to get Karkat to come home with you, and you sincerely hope that all of your siblings are still out on dates and your dad is still at work, because you really don't want to explain why the both of you look the way you do.

  
You get to your building, and you lead him with your hand on his back to the elevator, and then down the hall to your apartment. You know you don't have to, but you feel better just touching him, letting him know nonverbally that you're here for him.

  
The first thing you do when you get inside is tell him to go take a shower. You were expecting maybe a bit of an argument, or at least a question as to why, but you received none. He just nods and heads for the bathroom.

  
The second thing you do is pester your sister because you don't know what to do and you're freaking out.

  
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TG: hey sorry to bother you on your date again but i have a very important question that cant wait  
TT: Well, if it's really that important I suppose I could spare a moment. What's troubling you, Dave?  
TG: how long do you usually keep someone on suicide watch for  
TT: That's a darker topic than I was anticipating. Here I thought this was a set up to see if I've gotten any further with Kanaya, which I haven't.  
TG: please rose this is extremely important im asking for a friend  
TG: shit i mean hypothetically  
TG: theoretically  
TG: this in no way involves a friend any resemblance to peoples living or dead or possibly trying to die is entirely coincidental and not on purpose stop reading into things and answer the question  
TT: I believe the general consensus is somewhere between 24 and 72 hours of constant watch. However, if the person in question actually attempted to kill themselves, I think the time is either extended or they are confined to a ward until the doctors in charge of the patient say that it is okay for them to leave.  
TT: So tell me, Dave, did our hypothetical "not friend" theoretically attempt to take their life?  
TG: rose this isnt exactly something im comfortable talking cryptically about over pesterchum even in hypothetical theory which you and i both know it isnt  
TT: Of course, I'm sorry. I am actually concerned about our friend and their well-being, whomever they may be.  
TT: If they really did try something like that then I suggest you take them to a hospital right away. For their own sake.  
TG: okay i mean ill think about it but it probably wont happen it was a struggle just getting them over here  
TT: Over where? Dave, where are you right now?  
TG: at home  
TG: i think im gonna have them spend the night here i mean im here i think they should be okay ill watch over them  
TT: I'm not sure if that's the best decision, but I suppose I'll trust you on this one. I take it I'll be seeing our friend when I come home?  
TG: yeah well see you when you come back just do me a favor dont tell them i told you anything i dont want them to think they cant trust me after all the shit that went down  
TT: Yes, I understand. I won't tell them you said anything.  
TG: thanks rose ill see you soon or whenever you get home

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

Okay, so somewhere between 24 and 72 hours. You don't think you'll be able to keep an eye on him the whole time, probably just tonight for certain. As for tomorrow, maybe you can schedule that movie date you were planning for tonight originally. You don't know. You'd figure it out later. You should probably focus on right now.

  
Right now, Karkat's in your shower. You knock on the bathroom door.

  
"Karkat, I'm gonna leave you some pajamas, okay?"

  
His voice comes out loud and muffled through the door. "Okay."

  
"You mind if I take your clothes? To throw in the wash?"

  
"Sure."

  
You walk into the bathroom, eyes averted for privacy's sake even though you wouldn't be able to see anything through the shower curtain anyway. You trade his wet clothes for some of your old ones.

  
"I left them by the sink."

  
"Kay."

  
You throw his clothes in the wash and toss a blanket into the dryer so it'll be done around the time he's out of the shower, you think. You head to the kitchen and start working on heating some apple cider.

  
You check your messages while you wait. Your dad called, apparently Jack's not talking so he's going to get a motel room and meet up with his informant to see if he can learn any new information that way. He's not sure when he'll be back, but probably not tonight.

  
Well, that's one issue you won't have to worry about.

  
You'd timed everything pretty well, if you do say so yourself. The cider's done just as Karkat steps out of the bathroom.

  
He shuffles into the kitchen, where you're currently pouring hot cider into cups. You hand him one of the cups. He looks at it, swirling the steaming contents around slowly and giving it a quizzical look.

  
"What the fuck is this?" He asks, holding it up to his nose and sniffing.

  
"It's cider. If you try telling me you've never had cider before, I will call you out on your bullshit."

  
"There's shit floating around in it."

  
"Not shit. Spices. Drink it, you'll like it."

  
He raises an eyebrow at you and doesn't move to drink it. "What makes you say that?"

  
"I've been told I make a mean cup of cider." You reply with a shrug. "It's gonna get cold if you keep talking. Just drink it."

  
He rolls his eyes but finally gives in and does what you ask. It's a small, cautious sip, but enough for him to determine if he likes it or not.

  
"This is good. Don't let your ego get too bloated," he warns before you can say anything, "I said it was good, that's barely a compliment. It's average, as far as apple ciders go. I give it a B. No, B-, your presentation is sloppy."

  
"Thanks, Gordon Ramsay." You reply sarcastically. "I really appreciate it."

  
"Hey, if I were Gordon Ramsay, I would have chewed your ass out about this."

  
"See, now that's the kind of thing I didn't think he'd be interested in chewing on. But hey, that's just me. I'm not going to kink shame him. Guy knows what he wants to put into his mouth, and I'll be honest with you, this is some grade A sweet back meat right here."

  
He snorts, and you are so proud of yourself for making him laugh that you can't stop yourself from grinning. You hide it behind your own cup and take a moment just to look at him. The shirt you lent him is loose and baggy on him, but definitely functional as pajamas. His hair looks like it's going to dry into a fluffy mess and you can already tell you'll have to fight the urge to confirm that fact.

  
The lighting in here is definitely better than the lighting at school, or the lighting outside from the streetlamp, so you can clearly see how dark the bags are under his eyes.

  
He looks tired.

  
No, tired's not a strong enough word for how he looks right now. He looks...exhausted. He looks like he hasn't slept for so long that he's forgotten what a good night's sleep actually feels like.

  
You wonder when the last time he slept was.

  
The dryer beeps. "I gotta get that. You go sit down, okay?"

  
You point to the couch and run off to the dryer. He's sitting cross legged on the middle cushion when you come back with the blanket.

  
"Hey, sit up for a sec."

  
He offers you a suspicious look. "Why?"

  
"Just...do it, okay? Trust me."

  
"You saying that makes me not want to trust you." Karkat replies as he leans forward.

  
You wrap him up in the blanket while it's still warm from the dryer, and you can feel him practically melt when it touches his skin.

  
"Oh my _god_ ," he breathes as he sinks into the couch.

  
"I actually prefer Dave, but whatever." You take a seat next to him on the couch.

  
Karkat looks so warm and relaxed, wrapped up in that blanket and drinking hot cider. He yawns and rubs at his eyes with one hand. You wonder if he'll be comfortable enough to fall asleep here eventually.

  
"Did you maybe want to watch something?" You suggest. "There's nothing on tv tonight, but Rose and Roxy have a couple romcoms in their room, I think."

  
"Dave," he scoffs, "I do have more interests than just romantic comedies, you know."

  
"Really? Like what?"

  
He's quiet for a beat. "Just get the movies from your sister's room."

  
"Yeah, sure." You get up and head to your sister's room, returning quickly with a couple movies.

  
"I have returned, and I come bearing romcoms." You dump them on the couch for his perusal. "So what do you want to watch?"

  
He looks through your loot carefully before handing one back to you. "This one."

  
"10 Things I Hate About You?"

  
"Yeah. I was a little disappointed that there wasn't any real blackrom in it the first time I watched it, but it sort of grew on me my third or fourth time through."

  
"The third or fourth time through." You repeat.

  
"What? Fuck you, I wanted to make sure I liked it!"

  
"And that took three or four views?"

  
He crosses his arms and glares at you. "Are you going to put it in or not?"

  
"Well yeah, that's the plan, but I thought we'd watch a movie first." You say nonchalantly as you pop the dvd in.

  
You take your seat back next to Karkat and start the movie. You've watched it before, but you've never really seen it. Now that you're in a close enough range to Karkat that you think you could pull off the yawn and stretch move and get away with it, you're somewhat interested.

  
The credits touting the names of the lead actors begins, and your interest is caught by one name in particular.

  
"Heath Ledger's in this movie?" You say incredulously as you throw your arm over the back of the couch and, uncoincidentally, Karkat's shoulders. "Karkat, what the fuck is the Joker doing in a teen romantic comedy?"

  
Karkat rolls his eyes. "He's played more than one role, Dave. One movie doesn't make a fucking acting career."

  
You couldn't help but notice that Karkat's not moving out of your reach at all. He's not even reacting to your arm.

  
"No, I know that. You know what does? Two roles. Wasn't he in Brokeback Mountain?"

  
"I don't know, I haven't seen that movie." Karkat answers with a shrug.

  
"That's probably for the best. You're too young for that movie."

  
"Too young?" Karkat bristles. "What, so you think I'm some fucking grub-fisted piss baby who can't handle visual stimuli or I'll end up shitting myself and crying for my lusus, is that it?"

  
He'd pulled away from at some point during this rant and was now sneering at you, teeth bared and daring you to argue with him. The blanket you got him is lying in a heap where he was sitting.

  
"Karkat, that's not what I mean and you know it." You say with a sigh. "You're too young for that movie, I'm too young for that movie, hell, even _Rose_ is too young for that movie. All of our friends are way too fucking young to be watching Brokeback Mountain right now. Maybe, when we all turn eighteen, we can all get together and watch it sometime. Probably not, though, because I feel like that would be fucking weird."

  
The fight leaves his body as quickly as it entered, his shoulders slumping. "Do you really think..."

  
He hesitates before he can finish.

  
"What?" You ask. You need to know what he's thinking.

  
"Do...you really think we'll still all be friends? When we're eighteen?" He finally asks you, there's a tentative, doubtful look on his face that hurts your chest just the slightest bit.

  
You smile as reassuringly as you can. "Of course we will. We're all going to be friends for a long, long time, I can promise you that much. Now how about you come back over here and watch the movie? They're introducing more characters and I have no fucking clue what's going on."

  
Karkat slumps back on the couch beside you and leans in closer to you when you get the blanket around him again.

  
Ten minutes into the movie and a short synopsis of the characters and the film's basic plot finds you sitting in the same position, only with both your and Karkat's cups of cider drained and on the floor and Karkat leaning his head on your arm. You can feel the warmth radiating off his tired body. It's really nice. He feels really nice. You almost can't believe he was outside freezing in the snow only an hour ago on his way to-  
You don't finish the thought and tighten your grip around his shoulders instead just to verify that yes, he's here. He's here with you where you'll look after him, where you'll keep him safe.

  
He yawns again, interrupting your train of thought. He leans more heavily into you, like the weight of sitting upright is getting to be too much to bear.

  
"Karkat, do you want to lie down?" You ask him quietly. He nods in reply.

  
You retract your arm from around him and let him sink into the couch so you're left sitting next to his feet. You feel sort of awkward about the new seating arrangement, even though you suggested it. The part of your body Karkat was leaning on feels cold.

  
You note that there is enough cushion left behind him for you to comfortably lay down behind him. You proceed to do the only thing that feels natural to do at this point and position yourself so you're lying down, face pretty much in his hair.

  
Your theory was correct, his hair is in fact fluffy and surprisingly soft. You just want to bury your face in it. This urge is one you actually resist.

  
"Dave?"

  
"Yeah, sorry, is this alright? I could totally lay on the other side of the couch or something if you want."

  
He shakes his head, his hair tickling your face. "No, it's fine."

  
"Awesome. Do you mind if I...?" You place a hand cautiously near his abdomen.

  
He thinks about it, and you take the time to remove your hand from its spot there and just hover until you get the go ahead.

  
"Whatever, sure, I guess." He says as he tries to burrow himself deeper into his blanket.

  
That was all the confirmation you needed, and you're quick to wrap your arms around him and hug him close to you.

  
It's like holding a big burrito full of troll.

  
It's fucking great.

  
Another ten minutes pass by, and shit's finally starting to get real in the movie. The only opinion you've formed so far about it is that it's very Nineties.

  
"Hey, Karkat." You mumble. Your mouth is very close to the pointed tip of his ear.

  
"What?" He asks.

  
Fuck, you don't know if you want to keep going. You're both so comfortable right now, you're going to ruin it if you continue. But you have to. You press on.

  
"You know we're...going to have to talk about what happened eventually, right? We can't just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen."

  
You can feel him growing tense and you instantly relax your hold on him. You don't want him to be anxious or nervous or scared at all, especially with you.

  
"No, hey, just listen to me for a minute, okay?" You request, lowering your voice even further. You stroke his side as you continue to talk. "You...really freaked me out tonight. Fuck, that's not a strong enough word. Honestly, Karkat, you scared me. For a minute there I thought...I thought..."

  
"You thought what?" He urges you to continue. His voice is barely a breath.

  
"I thought I was going to lose you. I thought you were going to leave, that you would be gone. But, to be perfectly frank, that's not the part that scared me the most. What scared me was that I didn't see this coming. I thought I knew you so well, I thought I understood what you were going through. I really thought that I got you. This...this put things into perspective for me. This really proved just how little I know about you, because when I really think about all that I know for sure about you, I realize it's shit."

  
"Dave, what the hell are you even saying?"

  
"I'm saying..." you groan, why were you so needlessly wordy when you didn't have to be? Why couldn't you just get this off your chest? "I'm saying that I want to know more about you. I feel like I don't know enough."

  
"But we always talk about me," he sighs, "why don't we talk about you instead? I know fuckall about you."

  
"Karkat, don't try to change the subject, you know plenty about me!" You rebuke. "We have to talk about this, it's important."

  
"So's this!" He argues. "Dave, all I know about you is that you have a brother and two sisters and you like apple juice. That's really all I know for sure."

  
"Well good, because that's all there is to know. I'm a quadruplet with a passion for apple juice and other related products. Okay, your turn."

  
"No." He curls up into the couch and pulls away from you. It's slight, but you can definitely feel the absence of warmth created by it. "Not until you tell me more about you."

  
You can already feel yourself giving in, honestly, there's really no point not to. "Alright, well why don't we play twenty questions? That way we'll both get what we want."

  
"Are you kidding? That'll take all fucking night and we'll learn absolutely nothing about each other. That's a shit idea."

  
"No, I don't mean actual twenty questions." You clarify. "I mean I'll ask a question and then you'll ask a question, and we have to answer whatever the other one asks no matter what. Deal?"

  
He relaxes, and you can feel the space fill with his body heat once again. "Okay, deal. Only if you go first."

  
You're actually surprised he agreed so easily. "Okay, sure, I can do that. Just let me think of a question."

  
"No, I mean I want you to answer a question first."

  
"Oh, sure. I can do that too, I guess." You say with a shrug. "What do you want to know?"

  
There's a moment of quiet as you give him time to think of a question. You're not really following a lot of the stuff happening on screen, the one cute girl and that boy from Third Rock From the Sun who you thought was the protagonist but isn't are rifling through her sister's stuff.

  
"What's the deal with your shades?" He finally asks just as the two get into a discussion about the significance of owning black panties. "And don't even try to pretend it's because of your eye color, because getting you to take that piece of shit masquerading as eyewear off was easy as fuck."

  
Damn, he's got you there. Most people who asked bought that excuse right away. It wasn't that the actual reason was a secret or anything, it was just a really long, really personal explanation that you know wouldn't really be appreciated. There never seemed to be a good time for these things.

  
Right now, though, lying on this couch in the dark with Karkat, seems like the perfect time. He wants you to be honest with him. He wants to hear this story. He wants to know something deep and personal about you, to understand you better.

  
You clear your throat to begin, this story is the least you could offer in exchange for the information you both know you want. "I guess I...started wearing them because of my dad. My biological dad, not my current carapace one. I don't remember a lot about my parents, and what I do remember, what they looked like, what their voices sounded like, could easily just be shit I adopted as memory from scouring the internet for photos and interviews of them. There's a lot more information out about my mom, whole tons of photos, full panel discussions with her on her opinions about the Empress, shit like that. One time Rose found a whole stack of her books at this little occult bookshop a few towns over. My dad, though? There's some footage from a film he was shooting before he died-sorry, I know everyone always says he "disappeared", but I'm certain the fucker's dead-and a couple of photos taken from while he was shooting the film. Dirk and I both noticed that he was wearing sunglasses in every single photo taken. I guess you could say that we both started wearing shades everywhere so we could feel like we were closer to him somehow, you know?"

  
You hold your breath for a response. You don't know why, but you're anxious about his reaction. "Oh, wow." He eventually says, his voice soft and sympathetic. "I had no idea."

  
Your arms are still encircling him, and his hands find yours laced against his stomach. He grabs hold of your hands and offers you a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry."

  
You squeeze back. "Don't be. You didn't do anything."

  
You're both quiet as you lay there, holding him and holding hands. You can almost pretend there's no stress at all in the atmosphere if you just focus on the way he's running his thumb over the back of your hand.

  
Almost.

  
"You know," you continue in an attempt to delay the inevitable, "now that I think about it, all the surviving photos of him were from his last film. Which he shot in the summer. In Texas. Exclusively in the afternoon."

  
A sharp intake of breath alerts you to Karkat reaching the same conclusion.

  
"What if...." you can't believe you've never thought about this before, "what if he was only wearing them because Texas was really bright in the summer."

  
Karkat encloses both of your hands within his own and squeezes them again, it's a bit tighter than before, but the sentiment's the same. "I'm sure he was a total idiot and wore them all the time like you do."

  
"Do you really think that?"

  
His nod has his hair making ticklish contact with your face again. "Yeah, I do."

  
You hate that you have to break the nice atmosphere, but it's your turn now. You aren't sure if you're ready to ask this, if he's ready to answer. You swallow hard. "It's my turn."

  
"No, it's not." Karkat replies bluntly.

  
"The fuck do you mean it's not? You just went, so it's my turn."

  
"You just asked a question, it's my turn again."

  
"No, I didn't."

  
"Yes you did."

  
"Fine, what the hell did I ask, then?"

  
"You asked me if I really thought that, and I said yes. So it's my turn again, numbnuts."

  
"...that doesn't count."

  
"Like hell it doesn't count!"

  
"It doesn't. Questions of clarification to another person's question don't count. House rules."

  
"Are there any other rules I should know about?" He grumbles.

  
"None that I can think of." You say with a shrug.

  
Karkat releases your hands so he can cross his arms, and you return yours to their previous position above the waistband of his pajamas.

  
"Fine." He gives in with a groan. "You can have your fucking turn, but we should say when it's our turn from now on so shit like this doesn't happen again."

  
You don't mention that you did just that and let it slide. "Okay, sure. It's my turn, I'm going to ask something."

  
"Go ahead." His hands are back, not squeezing, only laying on top of yours. "I'm ready."

  
"Karkat," you clear your throat uncertainly, "how...how long was this...how long have you been thinking about doing this?"

  
You hear him swallow, feel him grasp your hands again, nails digging into the skin. You don’t mind, you know he’s not doing it on purpose. “Awhile. A few sweeps, at least.”

  
He falls silent again, as if debating over whether to give you the actual number or not. You know he knows exactly how long he’s been thinking about this. You know he knows specifics.

  
“Three sweeps.” He blurts upon reaching a decision.

  
“Six years? You’ve been thinking about this for six years?”

  
“It’ll be three exactly on my next wriggling day.” Karkat adds quietly, as if your heart didn’t already hurt enough.

  
“...you’ve been thinking about killing yourself since you turned ten?” Ouch.

  
“Yeah, around then.” You don’t think he’s going to say any more on the subject. He answered your question. You’re going to have to wait until your next turn before learning anything more. You tighten your hold on him. “My turn?”

  
“Yeah, it’s your turn.”

  
“Give me a minute to think of a question.”

  
“Sure thing.”

  
There’s a party going on in the movie. You’re not sure where Heath Ledger went, but that rich guy the main chick hates is talking to her. It’s a brief scene, then she starts drinking. Well, she did a shot. That counts.

  
“Shit, I can’t think of anything.”

  
“Take your time.”

  
Now she’s dancing on a table. She’s fucking hammered. That's when Heath Ledger comes back.

  
"Are...are you cold, Dave?"

  
"Wow, I gave you all that extra time to think of a question, and that's the best you come up with?" You say as you shake your head in disappointment. "Sort of, I guess. Why?"

  
"I was just thinking that you're pretty close to me, and I thought it might be because you're cold." He reasons. "And then I thought that...if you were...we could maybe share the snuggle plane?"

  
"Karkat, are you asking me to share the blanket with you?"

  
"Yeah, that's what I'm asking. Do you want to or not?"

  
"Hell yeah, I want to. Get over here with that."

  
There's some shuffling around as Karkat takes off the blanket and hands it over to you. You wrap it around yourself so your back is covered and motion for Karkat to come back to you. He does so without hesitation. With Karkat snug against you, you manage to wrap the two of you up in a warm cocoon.

  
You are now a part of the burrito.

  
Turns out spooning is even better than you'd hoped. It's fucking amazing. You're so warm, and in your current position you can even feel Karkat's heart beating, slow and steady and rhythmic. You want to stay like this with Karkat in the warmth and quiet forever.

  
But you know you can't, and you fucking hate that you're the one who has to shatter the sweetness of the moment again.

  
It's your turn. You still have questions.

  
"Hey," you interrupt his quest to get as comfortable as possible between the blanket and the added layer that is you, "it's my turn again."

  
He goes still. You feel his heart beat a bit faster and try to remedy that as best you can by lightly stroking his back. "What did you want to know?"

  
He sounds so tentative, so careful. You don't want him to think he has to be careful about what to tell you. You want him to tell you everything, but more importantly, you want him to tell you willingly.

  
"Have you ever talked to anyone about this?"

  
"I...don't think I have." He doesn't sound certain about that answer, which only makes you more interested in the rest of his answer.

  
"What do you mean you don't think you have?" You're tracing nonsense patterns into his back.

  
"That's another question. You only get one question."

  
"Clarifying questions don't count. House rules. We've been over this, now spill your shit."

  
Karkat takes a deep breath and fold the edges of the blanket tighter against himself as he begins. "It was about three months into my moirallegiance with Gamzee. I went to his hive to spend the night. We did the usual stuff, watched movies, played some games, shot the shit, you know the deal. About halfway through the night, though, out comes Gamzee with a plate full of a steaming pile of sopor, asking if I wanted to try any. He said that I would like it, that it would be fun, that the mirthful mother fucking messiahs would see to it that I enjoyed my ride through the dark carnival."

  
"That sounds sketchy as fuck." You comment.

  
"I know, even past me thought so, and he's a total dumbass." Karkat agrees, fidgeting with the blanket between his fingers. "But past me still remains to be a blithering string of idiot drool, because past me decided that if my moirail said it was okay, then it probably was. I figured that my moirail, that Gamzee, would have my best interest in mind. So, like a complete vomit encrusted piece of primate diarrhea, I decided to trust him."

  
"Correct me if I'm wrong," you say as you move your hands back to his. If you hold them, maybe he'll be able to bring himself to ease, "but isn't sopor a major brain rotting drug for you guys?"

  
"Yes, in large quantities it definitely fucking ravages your pan faster than watching Sponge Bob while shooting up with a needle full of highly concentrated pan eating STDs. In smaller doses, it's not so bad. You feel numb, but...not terrible. Tingly, mostly. It's not a bad experience."

  
"I'm going to guess you didn't have a good experience."

  
"And your guess would be correct. I didn't really want to do it, but Gamzee was just so fucking insistent, and he was my moirail, I didn't want to look like I didn't trust him. So I did it. I ate this huge fucking piece of his weird ass sopor pie and instantly regretted it."

  
"What happened?" You give his hands a light squeeze.

  
"That's the thing," he sighs, "I'm not sure. I have a vague recollection about telling him all about my plan, but I don't know if I actually did it or just thought about doing it, or if I was even coherent enough to understand if I did. All I remember of that night is buried under a haze of sopor and an ocean of faygo. The only thing I'm certain of is that when I woke up I was alone and cold and fucking nauseous. We never talked about what happened that night, which means either nothing happened or he wasn't listening to me when I told him."

  
There you go, unearthing unpleasant memories again. Your face ends up pressed into his hair as you move your hands away from his and return to stroking his side.

  
"I don't think we've ever even had a real feelings jam." He adds, almost to himself.

  
"But hey, you have Kanaya now. I bet you guys jam all the time."

  
"Yeah, we do." You can hear the faint smile in his voice.

  
His hair is soft and smells like him and your shampoo. The scent of his skin tells a similar story, warm, earthy, natural tones tinged with citrus. All you really want to do is breathe him in all night.

  
"And you've never told Kanaya anything about this?"

  
"No." He shakes his head and holy fuck, you just want to bury your face in his hair. "Shit, I'm a terrible moirail, aren't I? This is the kind of shit you're supposed to tell your fucking moirail."

  
"You're not terrible," you disagree, "you're just not used to talking these issues out. Which, I'm just gonna say, is incredibly unhealthy. You really need to talk to someone about this shit. If not Kanaya or me, then a professional."

  
"What, you mean like a therapist?" He wrinkles his nose distastefully at the thought.

  
"Yeah. We all saw a therapist when we were younger after what happened to our biological parents. I think it really helped. I don't know what Roxy and Dirk think, but I know Rose agrees. That's why she wants to be a therapist. That and she can read people easier."

  
"I didn't know you had a therapist, Dave."

  
"Well, I don't anymore. I used to, which is why I can make the recommendation."

  
"I'll...think about it." He says noncommittally. "Is it my turn now?"

  
"Yes, but I had another question I wanted to ask you, if you don't mind." You can't believe you're going to ask this. Are you really going to ask this? "This one will count as a whole nother question, so you'd get two questions in a row."

  
"Two in a row, huh." He mulls it over in his head before offering you a shrug. "Okay."

  
"Can..." Holy shit, you're really doing this, you're really asking this. "Can I kiss you again?"

  
You feel more than see him blush, the reaction almost immediate. His ear is pressed against your cheek and feels like it's on fire.

  
"Sure." He says with well faked disinterest. "If you want to, I'm not going to stop you."

  
You can literally feel him bracing for it, tensing up slightly under your fingers. You get to work immediately.

  
You kiss both of his horns, then the burning tip of his ear. You can feel him just melting in your hands and on your mouth. He buries his visibly reddening face in the blanket as you trail kisses along his jawline and down his neck.

  
"Wh-when you said you wanted to kiss me, I thought you meant my mouth." He stammers.

  
You plant a kiss right on the dip of his shoulder, and he shivers. "I couldn't reach it at this angle."

  
"I could....move if you want. If that's something you wanted to do."

  
"Oh believe me, I will. But not right now. You're comfortable like this, right? Besides, if you turned around, you couldn't see the movie." You move back up and kiss his forehead.

  
He makes this embarrassingly cute trilling noise that you think may have been involuntary, based on how much hotter his skin gets immediately after. Karkat tries to bury his glowing face to hide just how much this is affecting him. You can't help the stupid grin spreading over your own face as you nuzzle his neck. You can't believe how fucking adorable he is right now.

  
Karkat’s head pops out from the blanket and turns to look at you, a wry grin on his face. “Did you just call me adorable?”

  
Shit, did you say that out loud?

  
“You already asked two questions, I don’t have to answer that.”

  
“What? No, I didn’t!”

  
“Yes, you did.”  
“Really, Dave? Clearly you need to go back to kindergarten, because you don’t fucking know how to count. I asked zero questions.”

  
“You asked why I wasn’t kissing you on the mouth, and then you asked if I wanted you to move so I could do that. That makes two questions. My math is good on this. Trust me, I know basic addition”

  
“Th-those weren’t questions, they were statements.”

  
“Statements that I had to answer, which is pretty much the same as a question. I had to answer both, so that counts as two questions. Sorry, dude.”

  
You’re not sorry.

  
“Clarifying questions don’t count!” He rebukes. “House rule, you said so!”

  
He’s got you there. You made that up, but he’s definitely got you there. Looks like you have to answer the question.

  
“Okay, fine. Ask away.”

  
“First question: did you or did you not just call me adorable?”

  
“I...may have.”

  
“Dave, you have to answer honestly!” He pokes you in the chest. “Them’s the rules, asshole.”

  
“Alright, alright, quit poking me, you fuck.” You swat his hand away. “I give, I admit it. I think you’re adorable. Happy now?”

  
He gives you a firm nod. “Only because your face is so red.”

  
“Yeah, well, so’s yours.”

  
It grows a deeper shade of red when you point it out. “I know.”

  
You take the opportunity to kiss him on the nose.

  
He scrunches up his face when you pull away and glares at you. “Seriously? I go to all the trouble of fucking facing you and you kiss my nose? Your aim sucks, the target’s down here.”

  
He taps his bottom lip with his finger and looks at you expectantly.

  
“No, I hit my target straight on, it was right….here.” You poke his nose. “Boop.”

  
He covers his nose with both hands, offended by your poke. “Holy fuck, how? How can you be this cute and this obnoxious at the same time? How are you doing that? Stop it.”

  
“That’s an excellent question, Karkat. It’s also your last question. Unfortunately, I don’t have a real answer for you. The magnetism of the Strider charm is one of life’s great mysteries. The seventh wonder of the world. Sorry I don’t have a real answer for you, there, bro. Anyway, that marks the end of your turn and the beginning of mine.”

  
“What? No, it doesn’t.” Karkat takes his hands off his nose and scowls at you, and you poke him in the nose again.

  
“Yes, it does. That was two questions. You asked if I called you adorable, that’s one, and then you asked how I could be this cute and obnoxious at the same time, that’s two. Maybe you need to go back to kindergarten and learn how to count correctly.”

  
You witness the realization bloom in the grey of his eyes. “Fuck me, I had an actual question I wanted to ask!”

  
“Well, it looks like you’ll have to wait until next turn, loser.”

  
He huffs at you and turns back around so he’s facing the movie again. You focus back in on the movie as you resume kissing him pretty much everywhere that’s not his mouth.

  
“...is Heath Ledger singing?”

  
“Yes, yes he is.” Karkat answers. “This is actually one of my favorite parts. Up until this point, it was heavily implied that he felt something towards Kat, but that could have been all conjecture. This scene, though, when he’s singing to her like that, that’s when you know that his feelings for her are real."

  
"Is it?"

  
"Of course it is," he whispers quietly, suppressing a yawn, "you wouldn't serenade someone you didn't want to be with."

  
"That's true." You nod. "So...you find that kind of thing romantic?"

  
"Yes, when it's performed with actual instruments." He taunts.

  
"Hey, the kazoo is a real and beautiful instrument!"

  
"Yeah, sure it is." You can't see it, but you have a feeling he's rolling his eyes.

  
You bury your face in his hair like you've wanted to for the past twenty minutes. “...I can rap.”

  
“No you can’t.”

  
“Yeah I can. I could do it right now, if you want. Here, listen.”

  
“Dave," Karkat stops you, "I won’t hesitate to remove your shameglobes with a plastic spork and shove them down your throat if you attempt to drop anything even resembling a beat.”

  
"Okay, fine. Your loss." You breathe in his scent sparingly.

  
"It's my turn again." Karkat says. "I want to hear that story about you and the crows."

  
"That's not a question."

  
"Why the fuck aren't you telling me that story about you and the crows right now?"

  
"Good question." You laugh. "I have to start off my answer with a question of my own, though. Are you really sure you want to waste your turn on this stupid story?"

  
"Yes." His tone is definitive. He's not changing his mind on this.

  
"Okay," you sigh, "but you asked for it. So, when I was about ten, I got really interested in crows. I'm not sure why, I just thought they were cool. Hell, I still think they're cool. You ever watched a crow, Karkat? They do some weird shit. I once saw one steal a dollar from a lady's purse and put it in a vending machine for a bag of chips. Do you want to go crow watching with me sometime? There's usually a lot of them in the spring and summer. We could go then, have a picnic or whatever. It'll be fun. That's not the point, though. The point was, I was really interested in crows at that time. Still am, but not as intensely. Anyways, I was just chilling at the park, eating a family sized bag of doritos and doing some bird watching-"

  
"I'm sorry, but the fact that you're a bird watcher is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard and also I'm not sorry at all, I lied."

  
"You know what, fuck you, bird watching is awesome. Mostly if it's crows, or other corvids. I don't have to explain my hobbies to you, Mr. I-Only-Read-Trashy-Romance-Novels." You counter before continuing. "So there I was in the park, and there was this one crow that I think was a juvenile because it was sort of smallish, that I kept making eye contact with. After a couple stare offs I realized that it wasn't eye balling me, but my doritos. I mean, let's face it, who could blame the little guy, they were the nacho cheese flavored. I decided to give the crow a break and threw it a chip. I kept doing that every time it made eye contact with me, and after awhile it started hopping over to me to see if I would feed it at a closer range. That's when I got this really fucking stupid idea. I started trailing chips behind me so the bird would follow, and it came with me all the way out of the park and down the street. It probably would have followed me further, but that was when I ran out of doritos. I had no idea what to fucking do, so I did the first thing I could think of. I tried to catch it with my sweatshirt."

  
"Didn't that guy try to do that in Pokemon?"

  
"Karkat, you already asked your question, you don't get another one."

  
"Now that I think about it, he did. He fucking did. You stole your crow plan from the pilot episode of Pokemon, you uncreative corvid thief."

  
"I wish I was a corvid thief. No, see what happened was I tried to catch the bird in my sweatshirt, but instead I missed the bird and sprawled out face first on the sidewalk instead. While I was getting up, I saw the bird ransacking my sweatshirt pocket and come out with something shiny before flying away. Fucking feathery asshole stole my apartment key."

  
You're practically fuming by the end of the story. You're still mad at that one particular bird. Karkat, on the other hand, starts laughing at you.

  
"That's...that's so dumb! Dave, how the fuck did you think that was going to work?" His laugh is nice. Healthy, happy, a little louder than appropriate. It's a sound that is just so full of life that it makes your heart swell. You'd missed this sound.

  
“Yeah, to this day my dad doesn’t trust me with keys.”

  
You'd missed this.

  
Karkat's laughter eventually subsides into silence, and he yawns again. That's the fourth time he's yawned since the movie started. The second time in the span of ten minutes. He wriggles against you to find the most comfortable position.

  
"Do you want to go to bed?" You ask him, rubbing his arm.

  
Karkat nods wearily and starts to get up off the couch. You let him keep the blanket as he rises to a stand. "Hey, my turn." Karkat says, voice heavy with the promise of sleep. "Where's your room?"

  
"This way," you point out, taking his hand in yours, "come on."

  
You lead him the couple of feet to your room and to the bed, which he's quick to crawl into. You follow suit. You're both lying so close that your faces are pretty much pressed together.

  
"Do you mind if I kiss you again?" You whisper softly, your hands are snaking around his waist and pulling him forward. "On the mouth this time?"

  
He laughs, and you can taste his breath, hot and sweet against your face. "Go for it."

  
You press your lips against his cautiously, you didn't want to admit it, but your mouth still hurt from where he'd bit you earlier. It's slow and sweet, like drowning in rising waves of molasses. You can feel his hands in your hair, urging you closer, his body pressed as close as possible with the hindrance of clothes.

  
You want to remove that hindrance.

  
Your hands move to under his shirt to explore the uncharted territory that is his exposed back. You feel Karkat's breath hitch, his face heat up.

  
It occurs to you that maybe you shouldn't go much farther than this without express permission. You hate yourself for having to remove your mouth from his, and even more so when he tries to prolong the contact by leaning forward into you and following your mouth for a moment.

  
You're about to ask about his touching policy when he beats you to the punch.

  
"Dave?"

  
"Karkat."

  
"Are...Are we dating now? Is that something you'd be interested in doing?" He asks, leaning away from you to search your face for an answer.

  
He's not going to find much that way, mostly just surprise that he even had to ask. Then again, you suppose there was no harm in that.

  
"Yes, holy shit, I would love doing that with you!"

  
His grin is enough to send your heart into overdrive, and you kiss him again. Your mouth moves in tandem with his, your breath synchronizing until you're only exhaling when he inhales, eliminating the need to come up for air as you find a rhythm that works best for the both of you. You're not thinking about it, mostly. Everything right now is just passion and electricity and heat that you've never experienced prior to today. You can feel Karkat catching fire beneath his skin, and your blood is simmering close to the surface. You feel like your heart could burst in the best way possible right now. At some point, though, you know you're going to have to stop. Not right now. Not any time soon.

  
Eventually, regretfully, you do pause. You're both breathing hard, practically panting, holding on to each other for support. Karkat's pressed right into your neck as he breathes, taking in the scent of your skin in deep gasps. You return to your previous venture of exploring his back with your hands. "Karkat." It's your turn again.

  
"Yeah?" He has a loose grip on your shirt and tightens it when you begin speaking.

  
"Do you...um...do you like being in the Crew?"

  
Karkat lifts his head from your neck to give you a quizzical look. "Out of all the times to ask me that, and you choose now? Has anyone ever told you you have excellent timing, Dave? Seriously, impeccable."

  
"You're not answering the question."

  
He groans and flops back down, nose against your jugular. "I like it just fine."

  
"That's a load of bull, no you don't."

  
"Dave, are you trying to tell me my opinion? I think I would know better than you if I liked it or not."

  
"No, that's not what I'm trying to say at all!" You insist. "What I'm saying is, I think you're lying to me."

  
"Yes, accuse me of lying to you, that's the best way to start off a relationship." Karkat mumbles sarcastically. "Why do you think I'm lying to you?"

  
"Hear me out, okay? I don't think you like it because...well...you never seem happy to be there, for starters."

  
"I'm never happy to be anywhere, Dave. That's part of my charm."

  
"I respectfully disagree. We had lots of fun messing around and helping Jade out with her gardening club. Plus our date at that coffee house. Does that count as a real date now? Was that our first date?"

  
"I refuse to have my first date begin with me being serenaded with a fucking kazoo. Anyway, those things you just mentioned aren't even comparable. Those were for fun, the Midnight Crew is business."

  
"Yeah, a business all your friends are in. You'd think that would make it more fun."

  
"I like the meetings!"

  
"You had to have your moirail physically calm you down during a meeting, Karkat. I'm not sure you like the meetings."

  
"I...I like having everybody over for the meetings."

  
"Karkat, of course you do. They're all your friends. You like having your friends over. Business is just an excuse to hang out with them all at once."

  
Karkat doesn't respond, instead he nuzzles further into your neck. One of his horns is poking you in the jaw, but you let it slide and just cuddle.

  
"Karkat, listen." You say, stroking his hair with one hand, "I'm not just saying this to upset you. Really, I have a point. All this shit with the Crew isn't...it's not good for you. Everything that's been happening tonight has just been building up your stress levels without any sort of way to release them, and I think that might have been what's at least partially to blame for...for tonight. For what you tried to do."

  
He pulls away from you again and looks at you, searching your face for some clue of sarcasm or a bad joke or....something that proves that this isn't what you mean. There's so much hurt in those eyes that you feel yourself almost flinch. "Dave, you're not suggesting...?"

  
"I am." You reply firmly. "I think you should quit the Crew."

  
“Dave, that’s not...how could you say that? I-I can’t just quit the Crew.”

  
“Why not? You’re not happy there, what the hell’s so important that you feel the need to stay someplace that just stresses you out?”

  
His eyes are full to bursting with this need for you to understand why he can’t. A need for you to understand this one specific aspect of him, of his life and experience and emotions. “I owe Ms. Paint and Jack my life, Dave. Do you know how hard it is for trolls to get adopted? It’s fucking difficult, because we’re still seen as violent monsters by the majority of carapacians and humans. Which isn’t exactly...inaccurate, but it’s definitely not something that applies to all trolls.”

  
“Yeah, I mean look at you, you’re so nice, you don’t have a mean or violent bone in your body.”

  
“Dave, shut the fuck up.”

  
“See, there it is.”

  
“Dave, I….” he groans, clearly uncertain of how to continue, you wait for him to locate the words, “they raised me, you know? They took me in when they definitely didn’t have to. I just…..I-”

  
“-you want them to be proud of you.” You finish for him. You’ve been there. This is something you already understand.

  
His shoulders slump, and his grip on your shirt slackens as he leans his head on your chest. “Yeah.”

  
“Dude, they probably already are. Just sayin’.”

  
He looks back up at you. “You really think?”

  
“Definitely. You’re strong willed, opinionated, passionate, and you can throw a seriously wicked right hook. What’s not to be proud of?”

  
_“Oh my god.”_ He whispers, burying his reddening face in your shirt. “Stop complimenting me right now, you’re a fucking shitty liar.”

  
“Why should I stop when that’s really what I think?” You counter.

  
His arms are around you in a vice grip. He’s shaking again. You kiss one of his horns.

  
“H-hey, Dave?”

  
“Hey, Karkat.”

  
“You keep asking if you can kiss me.”

  
“Well, last time I didn’t ask, you bit me.”

  
“Sorry.”

  
“It’s fine.”

  
“Anyway, I was wondering…” He looks up at you again, fingers playing nervously with your shirt. “Would you mind if I kissed you?”

  
Holy shit, your face is burning. “Yes. Hell fucking yes. Please do that.”

  
Karkat cups your face in his hands and presses his face against yours, foreheads connecting. You hold your breath in preparation.

  
He comes closer at a fucking glacier pace until your lips nearly meet. Your heart is beating so hard it hurts your chest.

  
The anticipation is killing you.

  
Just when you think you’re going to get some sort of relief from this weird tension, Karkat fucking _rubs his nose against yours._

  
“Oh my fuck, did you just _eskimo kiss me?_ ” You laugh, rubbing your nose. “What kind of ridiculous shit is this?”

  
“Yeah, how does it feel having someone do that to you?” He pokes you in the chest. “Take that, you fucking asshole. And then take this.”

  
Finally, your mouths meet. It’s a moment of pure perfection as he gradually moves against you. You can feel his tongue searching for an entrance, flicking along the edge of your lip. You shiver at the sensation of a foreign entity in your mouth as it makes a lazy exploration of your palate, your gum line, your tongue.

  
This heavy concentration of affection is nearing over-stimulation as he slows down to a lethargic, almost unmoving pace.

  
“Karkat,” you laugh, “are you falling asleep?”

  
He doesn’t answer. You take it as a yes and continue in a drowsy, tender haze. Slowly, you can feel Karkat slipping away closer to slumber with every breath.

  
Karkat falls asleep on your lips, midkiss.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts off really fluff-ish and ends not so fluff-ish. Be warned.

You wake up with Karkat's arms wrapped around you and his face nuzzling your neck. You can feel how warm his breath is on your skin as he continues to snore softly, still asleep. You discover, as you slowly ease back into the realm of the waking, that your hands had snuck under the back of his shirt at some point and are currently pressed into his skin, taking in the warmth from its source. Your fingers are barely brushing the ridges of his spine, and you idly wonder if it's the same as yours. Not that you really know what your own spine looks like.

  
Honestly, you don't think you could even identify yours out of a line up. You've never been all that interested in anatomy, your own or otherwise.

  
Well, that's not exactly true now, is it? You've recently been entertaining a newfound interest in anatomy. Troll's, specifically.

  
The anatomy of one particular troll, if you wanted to be even more specific.

  
Your hand strolls listlessly along, practicing your cartography skills on the scape of his back. There's a subtle difference between where his rib cage connects and the continuation of his spine. It's only the slightest of inward curves, but your fingers take note of it as you skim the trail of his vertebrae.

  
"I don't mean to insult your skills as a masseuse or anything, but this is by far the weirdest back massage I've ever had." Karkat whispers. You can feel his smile against your throat.

  
You're startled enough that your hands jerk away from his back but remain trapped under his shirt. Karkat's shaking against you, and it takes you a second to figure out he's laughing.

  
"Sorry," there's heat crawling up your neck and into your cheeks, you weren't expecting to be caught, "I didn't mean to wake you. Was that weird?"

  
"No." He answers immediately. His fingers, also on your back but denied access to your skin by your shirt, drum a rhythmless beat as he reconsiders. "A little, but I was expecting weird from you. You're weird, Dave."

  
You tentatively replace your hands on his back and bury your face in his hair. "It's that Strider charm, dude. You can't resist."

  
"Obviously." He snorts sarcastically as he snuggles deeper against you. You can feel his heart beating almost in time with your own. "What the fuck were you even doing?"

  
"I'm...not really sure? I just felt like doing it. Sorry."

  
"Don't be." He's stroking up and down your back slowly with one hand, the other one splayed flat against your lumbar like it'll keep you in place. "It was perfectly fine, kind of unexpected to wake up to, but perfectly fine. You can keep going if you want."

  
He closes his eyes, relaxing against you in an attempt to fall back asleep. Slowly, gently, you extract your hands from under his shirt. One of them relocates to his hip as he shifts around, readjusting so he can look at your face with bewildered eyes and a quirked eyebrow.

  
"Did that sound like reverse psychology to you? Because it wasn't."

  
"No, I know." You regret removing your hands a little, they're growing colder already. "You still look pretty beat, though. I don't want to keep you up with excessive touching."

  
He rolls his eyes. "That's stupid. I'm already awake, and you have my permission to continue exploring your weird back fetish. You may as well do it."

  
God, you totally want to. You hold back, though. You've had a sinking suspicion for awhile now that Karkat doesn't get enough sleep.

  
You don't think he's slept at all this week.

  
Your suspicions were all but confirmed when he turned his face to look at you. His face read confused but the rest of him practically screamed exhaustion. Even now he's struggling to stay awake just to talk to you.

  
Watching him fight against his own heavying eyelids is actually sort of cute.

  
"Even if I did fall back asleep, I doubt you'd wake me up just by touching me." He argues.

  
"Yeah, you're probably right." You nod as you move your hands from their respective positions and towards his back again.

  
Karkat smirks like he just won something, but the smirk quickly reverts back to his previous perplexed expression as you bypass his back in favor of an extra blanket hanging off the edge of the bed. You pull it tight around him as his face performs another quick transformation from confusion to an understanding pout.

  
"I'd rather not risk it, though." You plant a kiss on his forehead. "You go back to sleep. I'm gonna go make breakfast. I'll wake you up when it's ready, okay?"

  
He looks ready to argue with you, but is interrupted by his own yawn before he can stifle it. "Alright." He reluctantly agrees.

  
You start to climb out of bed, but before you can successfully untangle your legs from his he pulls you back over to him.

  
"Wait, I had one last thing I wanted to say!" He insists.

  
"Okay." You settle back on the bed. "What is it, Karkat?"

  
He sits up and closes the distance between the both of you, and you search his face for any sign of a problem. You find none.

  
Karkat kisses you softly on the lips, cupping your face in his hands. It happens so unexpectedly and so quickly that you don't even have time to react, just experience.

  
He pulls away, but his hands remain on your face. His smile is the most serene you've ever seen on his face. "Good morning."

  
Your mouth is still tingling from the light as air burst of affection. You can't help but return the smile as you lay your hands on top of his. "Good morning."

  
You hold both of his hands in your lap and stare down at them to distract yourself from how embarrassingly bright your face must be. You try not to look at Karkat's face either, because seeing his face tinged red will only make yours worse. You keep your eyes averted from his for as long as possible, your face refusing to cool down.

  
You're sitting for either a millennium or a minute before Karkat squeezes your hands to get your attention.

  
"...weren't you going to go make breakfast?" He finally asks, catching your eye.

  
"Right, y-yeah I am. I'll go do that."

  
You scramble off the bed and out of the door, spurred on by the sound of Karkat laughing quietly behind you as you go.

  
You're not much of a cook, but you can make coffee and you know at least seven different ways to cook eggs. You get a full carton of eggs out of the fridge and get the coffee percolating while you debate over how to make them. You're not above showing off what little skill you have to impress your boyfriend.

  
You pause on that thought while a big dumb grin spreads across your face.

  
Your boyfriend.

  
You have a boyfriend.

  
How lucky are _you?_

  
You should probably stop standing around grinning into space like an idiot and actually do what you came in here to do. You're actually pretty hungry, now that you think about it.

  
You crack an egg into a pan and start frying it.

  
You finish off making your own eggs and are right in the middle of deciding if you should make some for the rest of your family and how you should make them when Karkat walks in, dragging his feet.

  
"Hey," your hand is hovering right above the open carton of eggs, "I thought you went back to bed."

  
"Couldn't get to sleep." He shrugs, peering over at your empty skillet curiously. "What are you making?"

  
"Eggs." You gesture towards the open carton.

  
Karkat rubs his arm self consciously. "Can I watch?"

  
"Yeah, sure, I guess." You shrug. "It's gonna be pretty fucking boring to watch, though."

  
"Can't be any more boring than staring at your ceiling and doing nothing."

  
He's got you there. "Do whatever the fuck you want, man. I'm just not sure why you would be interested in this."

  
He crosses the room and stands next to you as you pluck an egg out of the container. "Jack doesn't like an audience, so I've never really watched anyone cook before."

  
The egg sizzles on impact with the pan. "I never really thought of Jack as the cooking type."

  
"He wasn't, until he met Ms. Paint."

  
"So you're saying he only learned how to cook to impress a girl?" You laugh, even though you're guilty of trying pretty much the same thing on Karkat.

  
"I don't know why that's funny, I mean it worked, didn't it?" Karkat crosses his arms over his chest, and there's a look in his eyes that tells you he knows you're guilty of attempting to impress with cooking skills, too.

  
There was something you wanted to ask him last night, but it completely slipped your mind until now. It seems like a good opportunity to do it, you think. You're not sure if you're going to have this chance again.

  
"Hey, speaking of Jack," you shift a little so you're in front of the pan and slightly closer to Karkat, "you said something about him last night that-"

  
Your mouth is covered by a warm hand before you even have the chance to ask your question. A glance to Karkat's face as you look for reasoning behind this action shows his own suspicions on the topic.

  
"Are you sure you want to talk about this here?" He whispers. "Your family's all here."

  
Well, all except for your dad.

  
"Relax, it's fine." You reply with a wave of your hand. You're talking quietly, but your voice sounds like it's booming compared to his whisper. "Those guys could sleep through a twister made of thunder and drum lines, this isn't going to wake them up. This is perfectly okay to talk about."

  
You make the okay sign with your fingers right in front of his face, and he rolls his eyes and swats your hand away playfully.

  
"I don't really believe you, but okay, fuck it. What was this question you were dying to ask about Jack?"

  
"Last night you said you thought his arrest was your fault-"

  
"That's not a question, and I know it's my fault." Karkat rebukes before you can finish, interrupting you for the second time.

  
You don't agree, but you decide to address that particular topic later. "I was just wondering if that's why you haven't visited him yet."

  
Karkat takes half a step back and narrows his eyes at you, confused and distrusting. "How the fuck do you know that? I didn't say anything about it to you."

  
Now it's your turn to be confused. "It was on the news? It was that story right before the KOB coverage. This reporter was hassling your mom and asking her a whole ton of shit. He brought you up and the fact that you weren't visiting, asking if you were too ashamed to come, and she lost it. Honestly, I thought she was gonna punch the guy."

  
The taut wariness that held him up slackened, and you watched him fold in on himself as you spoke. It occurs to you then that he may not have known any of this.

  
He runs a hand through his hair, his voice cracking with hurt. "They think I'm ashamed?"

  
You don't have much to say in response that would be very helpful. You know he isn't ashamed of his parents, but the truth doesn't really matter when the news inferred otherwise to everyone else. He slides down to the floor, and all you can do is join him.

  
"It was on the news?"

  
You nod. "Sorry, I thought you knew."

  
"Great," Karkat groans, his head in his hands, "now everybody and their fucking lusus knows what a shitty, ungrateful brat I am."

  
He looks so guilty and you're not sure what to do about it. You put a hand on his shoulder in what you hope is perceived as a comforting gesture.

  
"Hey, you're not a shitty ungrateful brat, and you're also not ashamed of your family. You fucking love them. You know that, I know that, anybody who knows you knows that. I know you feel terrible about the-" you almost say the arrest, but what Karkat said earlier makes you a bit paranoid about the possibility of one of your siblings waking up and hearing you say that, "-about what happened, but that wasn't your fault."

  
Karkat opens his mouth to argue with you, but you cover his mouth with your hand. "You can try to argue your point all you want, but I'm not changing my opinion on this. The arrest wasn't your fault. Nobody blames you for what happened. I doubt even Jack blames you. I do think you should see him, though. At least once. Only if you want to, though, I'm not going to force you to do something you don't want to do."

  
You peel your hand away from his mouth to find him chewing his lower lip in a frown. "I want to. I just...haven't found the time to do that yet. I've been busy."

  
You know it's true that he's been busy, and you can accept that reasoning. However, you can also recognize the difference between an explanation and an excuse.

  
"Besides," he continues, "what if you're wrong? What if he does blame me? What if he doesn't want to see me?"

  
His eyes are glued to his feet, not wanting to look at you. Even with his eyes turned away from you, the heavy burden of doubt weighing on them is clear.

  
"Karkat," both your hands are planted squarely on his shoulders, this is something you need to get through to him, "I meant every word I said. I don't think Jack blames you. Even if he does blame you, you'll never know for sure if you don't see him. Whether he wants to see your or not shouldn't matter right now. What matters is that you want to see him. You should go and talk to him. Soon. Before he..."

  
You trail off, unable to finish the sentence. Karkat finally lifts his eyes to meet yours.

  
"You don't think he's getting out, do you?" Karkat asks quietly.

  
You say nothing. Nothing you could say would sound right in these circumstances.

  
"You think he's going to prison."

  
What is there that you can say? Jack's guilty, and they have a pretty good case against him even without him talking, according to your dad. You don't think he'll be getting out. That's not exactly something you want to say to Karkat, though, especially right now. He's already drowning in his own remorse over what happened, you don't want to add more to it by telling him you think Jack's going to have to do time for awhile. You don't want to lie to Karkat, either. If you tell him you think Jack will be out soon and that everything will be back to normal, you won't be able to look him in the eye anymore. Karkat trusts you, if you tell him everything will be okay you're sure he'll believe you. You don't want to foster a false sense of hope for him only to have it torn down later. Telling him everything would be fine would just hurt him in the long run.

  
No, lying to him isn't an option.

  
"Dave."

  
You're thrown out of introspection and back onto the kitchen floor by the sound of your name called so softly and the feeling of his hands on your arms.

  
"You don't have to answer. I don't think he's getting out, either."

  
The look in his eyes almost hurts more than the way he says it, his gaze perfused with defeat and his words with penitence.

  
His grip tightens unconsciously, fingers squeezing the crook of your elbow. You return the gesture, your hands still on his shoulders. It's the sort of awkward half embrace that only occurs when two people are thinking of doing the same thing with neither wanting to make the first move.

  
"Are you okay?" That's really all you can think of to ask at this point.

  
It's weird watching him debate over how to respond even though you know he's not okay. He knows you know that, too, but there's a part of him that's still willing to lie and say that he's okay either out of habit or because he doesn't want you to worry about him. There's no way you're not going to worry about him, though, not after last night. He knows that, too. You want to stop him and do what you should have done in the first place, whatever that may be. Was this what you looked like when you were weighing your own options?

  
You can tell the exact moment when he reaches a conclusion, his shoulders relaxing. You hadn't even noticed they were tense. He opens his mouth to say something, and you lean forward so you can hear him better.

  
He reconsiders and closes his mouth again, but it really doesn't make much of a difference in the end. Words would have had as much impact as the shake of his head.

  
His own actions spur a surprising, but you suppose foreshadowed, reaction. Karkat pulls you closer to him and you follow, not sure what to do with your arms. You leave them where they are for lack of a less awkward position. Karkat's, on the other hand, seek a new position and end up squeezing you so tightly that you can practically feel your lungs compress against your ribs. His face meets your shoulder and his hair once again makes acquaintance with your nose.

  
You sincerely hope you don't end up fucking sneezing or having to rub your nose from how much it's tickling your face. That would probably ruin the moment. Luckily, scrunching your nose up seems to do the trick.

  
Your arms are still around his shoulders in an awkward position, so you focus your energy on fixing that. One of your hands makes its way to his hair, messy and knotted from sleep, and you run your fingers through to untangle. You're not sure what to do with your other hand, so it just drums absently against his spine.

  
He smothers a laugh against your shoulder and burrows his nose into your collar bone. "Weirdo."

  
"Strider charm. You love it."

  
Slowly, he starts to peel himself away from you until he's arm's length away once again. The look on his face is enough to keep you from displaying your dissatisfaction with this turn of events. He's smiling. It's not a big grin, you can't see any of his teeth except for the ones that are always peeking out from below his upper lip, but it's definitely not a frown, so there's that. You feel slightly better. Your hands fall from their respective position and fall into the space between you both. Karkat retracts his own from you and takes your hands in his.

  
"Come with me."

  
"Come with you?" You repeat for clarification. There's no way he means what you think he means, you must have misunderstood something at some point.

  
Karkat nods. "I want to see him, I really fucking do, but I'm not sure if I'll be too much of a wriggler to go through with it by myself. I could really use someone there for support and to kick my sorry ass in the right direction."

  
You have to physically restrain yourself from saying yes immediately and really think about what he's asking.

  
Karkat wants you to come with him to visit Jack. He wants you to come with for emotional support, which you are more than willing to give.

  
If this were any other request you would oblige in a heartbeat, no question.

  
There's something holding you back with this one, though. Something blatantly obvious that you can't explain to Karkat right now, but you know you'll have to someday.

  
Karkat wants you to come with him to visit Jack in jail. There will be guards and officers there. There will be people who know your dad there.

  
There will be people who know _you_ there.

  
You can't go with him no matter how much you want to, there's too much at risk right now. If you go, Karkat might find out about your dad being a cop. Even worse, he might find out that your dad led the investigation that got Jack arrested.

  
You can't imagine a worse way for him to find out.

  
No, you're not going to be able to go with him. That much is clear. The only question now is how do you tell him?

  
Karkat's looking so expectantly at you like he can tell there's nothing you'd want more than to say yes. You open your mouth to respond and notice for the first time that your fingers are interlocked with his.  
"Karkat, I-"

  
You wonder if he'll stop smiling when you say no. You wonder if he'll ask you why or maybe he'll stay quiet and overthink it. Maybe he'll think he's overstepping some boundary. Maybe he'll take a step back and worry himself so badly about asking you something as serious as that so soon that he'll throw himself into an inconsolable funk.

  
You wonder if he'll ever ask you for help ever again.

  
"I'd love to."

  
He smiles, and you're done for. Your heart is skipping beats and speeding up so fast that your blood can't seem to catch up with it. It doesn't matter, since it's all flowing to your face anyway. There's a sizzling, burnt smell stinging your nostrils.

  
You had more you needed to say, but you can't seem to get your lump of a tongue to move.

  
No, you have to continue. You said you didn't want to foster a false sense of hope, and fuck if you were going to let yourself prove your own hypocrisy so soon after making the statement.

  
You loosen your tongue and continue. "I'd love to but-"

  
Wait a minute.

  
Burnt smell?

  
"Shit, my eggs!"

  
You stand up in a hurry and drag Karkat with you, your fingers still entangled together. The momentum makes him knock against your shoulder as you try to salvage your poor eggs. But alas, they are beyond saving.

  
"Fuck me." You mutter to yourself as you pick up the pan and its lightly smoking contents. You've gotta scrape this monstrosity off before making another attempt. You should have just enough eggs left to make two for everybody at home right now, and still have two left over if your math is right.

  
Your halfway to the garbage when you're pulled back unexpectedly and stopped in your tracks. During the entire egg fiasco, you'd managed to still hold on to Karkat's hand. Or maybe he held on to you. Either way, it's keeping you from throwing out the shit on your pan.

  
You're about to tell Karkat to let go of your hand (you may not be sure who initiated, but you certainly know who's prolonging it) when he starts laughing.

He's hiding his face behind one hand in an attempt to keep his voice down, but enough sound escapes for you to tell that it's a good natured sound, completely affectionate. There's not a single scornful tone hinted at between his fingers.

  
"What? What's so funny?"

  
He shakes his head and dismisses you with a wave of his free hand, removing it from his face and exposing the grin beneath. Your heart misses a beat again. "Nothing, it's just...aren't eggs fucking easy to make?"

  
"Well, yeah, that would be why I'm making them." You reply with a shrug.

  
"And you burned the ever living shit out of them."

  
"You distracted me! You're distracting, Karkat!" You counter defensively.

  
"That would be the Vantas charm. Don't even try to resist, you gangly ass cannon."

  
"Believe me, I understand when resistance is futile. What do you think I was making these eggs for?"

  
"To test the smoke detectors?" He suggests.

  
"Hey, fuck you." You take your hand back from him and scrape the yolky waste into the trash. "I was making those for you, you know. Trying to impress you with my manly culinary skill-"

  
"With burnt eggs?"

  
"Yeah, well, at least I can cook!" You scoff, rolling your eyes. "I don't think you could do much better."

  
"Really?" Karkat smirks. "Is that a challenge?"

  
You return the look and hold out the pan to him. "Only if you accept it as one."

  
Karkat accepts your pan and puts it back on the stove before grabbing two eggs, one in each hand. "Watch and learn, you gastronomic ignoramus."

  
You stand back and do some watching and learning as he manages to crack open both eggs with just his claws and dumps the liquidy contents onto the pan. You admit, that did look pretty smooth. If you were into cooking you'd probably be sprung by how seamless that was.

  
If you were into cooking, this next part would make you go back to flaccid just as quickly.

  
Karkat stands in front of the pan, at a loss for what to do next.

  
"Um..." He says, looking around. "Is something supposed to happen? Dave?"

  
He turns to you for advice, eyes full of questions.

  
You shrug. "As a gastronomic ignoramus, I have no idea what the fuck is going on."

  
His face contorts into mild annoyance, brow furrowed, mouth in a determined line. "Fine, I'll figure it out myself."

  
He huffs and turns back around, grabbing your spatula in case he's able to cook it just by the fierce heat of his stare alone.

  
"...it would help if you turned the stove on."

  
His face reddens in embarrassment. "Oh."

  
"Do you want me to turn it on for you?"

  
"No, that's okay, I got it."

  
You come closer. "Dude, it's totally fine, no big deal."

  
"Dave, I said-"

  
"Relax, I got it." One of your hands rests on his hip while the other one snakes to the dial and turns it the appropriate amount. "There, was that so hard?"

  
Your other hand slides back over and rests on the perpendicular hip.

  
"Dave, what the hell are you doing?" Karkat asks as you lean your head against his shoulder.

  
"I was just thinking, what if we did that thing from Ghost? You know, when he was teaching her how to make a vase or whatever on the rotating thing. We could do that, but with food. We could be Food Ghost."

  
"That is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard anyone say, and I've listened to Gamzee blather on about the mystical messiahs in the form of a rap song for over twenty minutes once." Karkat pries one of your hands off and guides it over to the spatula in his other hand. You end up holding his wrist. "Let's do it."

  
You get into a more comfortable position behind Karkat, leaning the majority of your bodyweight against him and causing him to lose balance momentarily.

  
Playing Food Ghost is a lot less sensual and more boring than you thought. Yes, you're pressed against Karkat and that's totally awesome because he's warm as fuck and his skin's soft and he looks about as comfortable as he feels with his sleep tousled hair and wearing your slightly too big pajamas. No matter how comfortable leaning against Karkat is, though, it doesn't change the fact that you're literally just watching eggs cook over his shoulder. Plus, if you stay in your current position, your back's gonna hurt.

  
"This is fucking boring." Karkat groans, taking your other hand in his. "And you're really heavy. How the fuck are you so heavy? Am I going to be crushed under the weight of your stupidity, you spindly piece of dick filth?"

  
"Maybe." You shrug. "That depends on how much gravity increases on me and how bored I get. It's coming pretty close to that. What kind of eggs are we making, anyway?"

  
"Sunny."

  
"Just like your disposition."

  
Karkat lets go of your hand and shifts the spatula to his own now free non-dominant one as the other reaches for the eggs. You're still holding on to his wrist on that one, so your arm follows his. His hand returns brandishing an egg, which he gently presses close to cracking against your forehead.

  
"One more word about my acerbic personality and I will break this egg on your face."

  
Your free arm wraps around his waist and pulls him closer to you. "Normally I'd tell you to bite me, but I think we accomplished enough of that last night."

  
Karkat smiles again, and you can feel his teeth nipping tenderly at your jawline.

  
"Guys, could you stop?" Dirk requests as he walks in to the kitchen, pointy shades in his hair as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. "It's too early to kink shame."

  
He trudges over to the kitchen table and pulls out a chair, sitting down heavily. He gives you and Karkat a once over before putting his shades on. You can't imagine how weird this scene must look to him, with your one arm holding this boy he's never met tight against you and your the hand on your other arm grasping Karkat by the wrist and making it look like you were forcing him to break an egg on your head.

  
Yeah, it's definitely a weird scene.

  
"What the hell are you two doing, anyway?"

  
"Food Ghost." You reply for lack of a better explanation. You take control of the arm you're holding and shake the egg around so Dirk can see it. "Boo."

  
"...I feel like I must be missing something vitally important here."

  
"The sad part is, you're not." Karkat says, swatting at your hand with the spatula. "Dave, let go, I can't breathe."

  
"Sorry." You release your hold on him, both around his waist and wrist, and he stumbles a bit from the sudden removal of your weight.

  
"I didn't mean you had to let go completely!" He complains, replacing the egg back in the carton and switching the spatula back to his other hand.

  
"You weren't very specific." You say with a shrug. "I'm not sure if I'm comfortable doing that anymore, anyway, now that we have an audience."

  
You gesture towards Dirk, who waves. "Hey."

  
Karkat waves back with his free hand. "Hi."

  
"I'm Dirk, Dave's bro. And you are?"

  
"Karkat." He looks down at his feet before continuing in a much quieter tone. "I'm Dave's boyfriend."

  
His face is practically glowing red by the time he finishes his introduction, and you have a feeling yours is doing the same thing by the sudden spike in temperature in the vicinity of your face.

  
Karkat just introduced himself as your boyfriend.

  
This time it's not just him playing along with your lame excuse to get your siblings off your trail. He means it.

  
Karkat Vantas is really your boyfriend.

  
Holy shit.

  
"So you're the boyfriend I've heard so much about." Dirk says with a nod, offering Karkat his hand.

  
"And you're the brother I've heard so little about." Karkat says as he takes the extended hand and shakes it, blood refusing to flow out of his face.

  
"That hurts." Dirk replies as he breaks away. "So what were you doing, really?"

  
"Dave was teaching me how to cook." Karkat holds up the spatula.

  
"Speaking of, I think these are done if you wanted to get them on a plate or something." You interrupt. "The plates are over here."

  
Karkat nods and trudges over to the cupboard you point out while you take a seat next to Dirk at the table.

  
Dirk leans in closer so Karkat can't hear him. "Glad you finally introduced us."

  
"Sorry." You whisper back. "You weren't ever around when we were doing the whole introduction shit."

  
"I guess I've been busy lately with Jake and work and shit. This late intro is on both of us." He concedes. You're both watching Karkat as he stands on his toes and stretches his fingers towards the stack of plates.

"He seems alright, and I'm willing to admit that he's cute. Good choice."

  
"Thanks." You grin appreciatively. "You've got impeccable taste, too, bro. Jake's ass? Slamming."

  
Dirk snorts, but nods in agreement. "I gotta agree with you there, he's killer in booty shorts."

  
Karkat's back is still turned to you as he scrapes the eggs off the pan.

  
"Fuck," you sigh, "we have amazing taste, don't we?"

  
"Impeccable."

  
"Incredible."

  
"Remarkable."

  
"Indescribable."

  
"No, it's definitely describable," your brother disagrees, "it's fucking awesome, is what it is."

  
"Hell yeah, it is."

  
You bump fists and feel like a fucking champion.

  
"If you two are done whispering over there like you're trying to keep your voices down while getting your bulge deep throated in the middle of the public library, I had a question." Karkat butts in.

  
"Yeah, sure, what's up?" He's facing you now, plate of eggs held in one hand.

  
He points to the now full coffee pot with his fork. "Is this for anyone?"

  
"Yeah, it's a communal pot. Go ahead, dude."

  
Dirk stands up and stretches. "I could go for a cup myself. Dave, you want one?"

  
You think it over and shrug. "Yeah, sure."

  
"Okay, cool." He nods before turning his attention to Karkat. "I'll show you where the cups are."

  
Dirk leads him to a different cupboard, and you rise to a stand and go back to the pan.

  
"Hey, Dirk, did you want any eggs?"

  
"If you're making them, sure." Dirk replies with disinterest before addressing Karkat again. "Do you care which cup you get?"

  
"Whichever one's the biggest."

  
"They're all about the same size."

  
"Then I don't fucking care, just give me a cup."

  
You're cracking eggs into the pan at the same time you hear the clink of ceramic as Dirk retrieves three of the many coffee mugs your family owns. There's a loud clearing of the throat as Dirk closes the cupboard door.

  
You turn your head to see both Rose and Roxy standing in the kitchen entry way.

  
"I was going to request you take out two more cups, Dirk." Rose says. "Roxy and I would much appreciate the caffeine boost to help us reach our full waking potential."

  
"Hey," Roxy yawns, "what's crackin'?"

  
"More eggs into this pan, I guess." You crack all of the other eggs into the pan before anyone can dissuade you. "I hope everyone likes fried eggs, because that's what I'm making and we don't have any more."

  
"What do you mean, we don't have any more?" Roxy asks, eyebrows scrunching questioningly. "That was an entirely new carton, what the fuck?"

  
"Well, Roxy, keep in mind that we do have a guest." Rose points out, gesturing towards Karkat.

“Holy shit, I’m up to my ass in surprise!” Roxy gasps, bouncing in excitement. She’s radiating energy, apparently that aspect of John managed to rub off on her. Either that or she’s running on excess sugar. Both are plausible. “I feel like I just unwrapped a present on Christmas and got a box full of unexpected!”

  
“I don’t understand.” Karkat stage whispers to you. Both his hands are wrapped around the mug. “Is that a good thing?”

  
“Yeah, dude. She’s glad to see you, I think.”

  
“I didn’t know you were gonna be here!” She continues, grinning. “What gives?”

  
You and Karkat exchange a look. "I slept over. I didn't have shit to do, so I thought I'd bug Dave."

  
Rose smirks as Dirk hands her a full cup of coffee. "Is that why 10 Things I Hate About You is on?"

  
Karkat tenses, ready to defend his choice in cinema. "Yes."

  
"Good choice." Rose nods her approval while Roxy offers a thumbs up.

  
"Thanks." Karkat grins, all reservations toward your sisters destroyed.

  
"Hey, when do you think those eggs will be ready?" Dirk asks as he sits back down at the table, exiting your field of vision.

  
"In a couple minutes, jegus, I just put them on they still need to cook."

  
"Do you want any help with that?" Karkat asks, staring down at the full pan of eggs.

  
"Nah, it's fine. You should eat yours before they get cold and gross." You reply, dismissing his offer to help with a wave of your eggy spatula. "Remember, I still have to impress you with my cooking skills."

  
You flip one of the eggs and wiggle your eyebrows at Karkat. "So, are your knees weak yet?"

  
"Close to it." He laughs. "I'm practically fucking swooning over here, Dave."

  
"I'm willing to give you mouth to mouth if you pass out."

  
You can't believe you just said that. Then again, you've said worse before, and you've definitely _thought_ worse before. Before though there was never any indication that you would go through with what you said you would do. Now there's nothing stopping you.

  
Based on how bright Karkat's face gets when you say that, you know he's fully aware of this, too.

  
"That's funny." He nods, and you're treated to a flash of fang when he smiles.

  
Karkat moves, and for a moment you think he's going to go take a seat at the table with your siblings until one of his hands finds your hair and edges you closer to him until you can feel his breath hot against your ear. "I'm willing to give you mouth to mouth any time you want."

  
Holy shit.

  
He nibbles your earlobe before pulling away from you. His face is as red as yours must be right now.

  
_Holy shit._

  
He looks pretty embarrassed about doing that, and his face deepens to crimson when the three at the table wolf whistle. You can't help but laugh at him as he turns to sit down, greeted by applause and pats on the back. Christ, even his neck is red.

  
You turn your attention back to the eggs, catching bits and pieces of conversation as you cook.

  
"Oh, you work with Equius?"

  
"Yeah. You know him?"

  
"He's a friend of mine. No, actually, friend's a strong word."

  
"Strong's kind of his thing, dude."

  
"You've got a point there."

  
It's during this conversation that Rose gets up under the guise of getting a refill to come talk to you. "Dave," Rose mutters under her breath as she picks up the coffeepot inconspicuously.

  
"Rose," you greet just as inconspicuously, flipping an egg that may or may not have been the same one you flipped earlier.

  
"My basic skill of deductive reasoning tell me that Karkat was the friend whose safety you were worried about last night."

  
You give the smallest of nods, a slight twitch of the head. "Yeah. I was scared shitless about him last night, but he seems fine now, doesn't he?"

  
You throw a glance his direction. He's chatting happily with Dirk and Roxy about some topic you're not picking up on and gesturing with his fork.

  
"I'll be honest, I'm still kind of worried. I mean, yes, he seem fine, but I thought he was fine before, you know?"

  
Rose pours her coffee and nods, draining the pot. "I understand. It was unexpected. When I walked in I had to hide my shock at seeing him here. Which is why I feel the need to ask...Dave, what happened last night? Why was he trying to-" She doesn't finish the question, instead directing her gaze to her coffee.

  
You're flooded with memories of last night. Karkat crying in the snow. The taste of your own blood in your mouth. How defeated and hopeless and scared he looked as he walked away from you. Your heart pounding in overdrive with nerves and anxiety and adrenaline as you gave chase and eventually held him and convinced him to come home with you. The questions. The warmth. The answers. The comfort and sleepiness and kissing.

  
"I can't tell you. Sorry." You shrug and go back to the eggs. "It's not my story to tell."

  
"Dave..." Rose pleads.

  
You shake your head. "I can't. Go back and sit down. These should be done soon, I think."

  
She nods and begins to walk away, but you grab her wrist before she can go very far.

  
"If anything...happens, I'll pester you."

  
She nods again, a reassuring smile on her face. "Okay."

  
Roe turns back around and takes her seat back in the group, and you take your position over the eggs. They're taking for fucking ever to cook. Do they always take this long to cook?

  
"I think I'm going to get another cup." You hear Dirk yawn.

  
"Same. I don't wanna get up, though. Get it for me?"

  
"Sure." There's a ceramic clink. "Karkat, you want another cup?"

  
"I want a whole nother _pot_." Karkat groans. "I have no idea how I'm even awake right now. This should be physically impossible, from a scientific standpoint. What you're witnessing right now is nothing short of a medical miracle."

  
"I told you to go back to bed if you were tired." You interject.

  
"I couldn't go the fuck back to sleep!" He insists. "I'm in that state of being awake while not wanting to be awake while simultaneously being unable to sleep anymore."

  
"So...coffee?" Dirk asks. "Yea or nay?"

  
"Yeah." You hear Karkat push his cup over to Dirk.

  
"I hate to break it to everyone this way, but the coffee pot is currently empty." Rose reveals, taking a sip from her full cup. "This was the last of it."

  
"Well, what the fuck, Rose? Why didn't you say that earlier?"

  
Dirk sits back down. "I guess we're going to have to make more."

  
"But who's going to make it?" Roxy inquires.

  
"Now we're asking the real questions." Rose comments.

  
Karkat clears his throat to get everyone's attention. "I think either Rose or Dave should do it."

  
"What the fuck? What did I do?" You demand, spinning around to face all of them.

  
Karkat shrugs. "You're already up." He turns so his back is to you, addressing your three siblings instead. "I say we put it to a vote. All in favor of Dave making more coffee say 'aye'."

  
There's a resounding "aye" from everyone at the table.

  
Karkat turns back around in his chair and smirks. "The people have spoken. It's unanimous. You're making the coffee, Dave."

  
"Fine." You groan. "You all suck."

  
You set about making another pot of coffee while they talk about more important things.

  
"Who do you think would win in a fight, me or Dirk?" Roxy wonders out loud.

  
"That is an excellent question, which of you _would_ win in a fight?" Rose ponders.

  
"The most accurate way to figure this out would be for you to fight." Karkat suggests.

  
"Hey, no. I like Roxy too much to punch her."

  
"And what if I mess up Dirk's pretty face?"

  
"I wasn't saying have a full fucking no holds barred fist fight!" He explains. "I meant you could arm wrestle or some shit."

  
"Arm wrestle?" Dirk repeats, thinking the idea over.

  
"That's not a bad idea!" Roxy exclaims.

  
"I don't know." Dirk replies uncertainly. "We should probably consider our other options first."

  
Five minutes later they're both in one of the most intense arm wrestling matches you've ever witnessed.

  
You haven't witnessed a lot of arm wrestling matches.

  
"Hey, so breakfast is done, if anyone's interested. Eggs, coffee, shit I've been slaving away over."

  
"Thank you, Dave. We'll all partake in your cooking and marvel at your skill once this match is over." Rose, the referee, replies with a wave of her hand.

  
Karkat leaves his front row seat to refill his coffee cup.

  
"Hey, you mind topping off my cup while you're over here?" You ask, holding your cup out to him.

  
He shrugs and puts his own cup on the counter. "Sure."

  
Your cup goes next to his as he fills them almost to the brim. You take yours back and smile graciously at him.

  
"Did you see all the food I made? Are you impressed with my culinary prowess?"

  
Karkat snorts and rolls his eyes. "Oh yes, Dave. This pan of fried eggs here is so fucking amazing that I think I'm in danger of cumming in your pajamas right this very minute."

  
"That's all I wanted."

  
You both drink your coffee and watch your siblings in an arm wrestling stalemate.

  
Roxy's eyes, squinting with concentration, shoot up for a moment to look at the both of you. There's a glint in her eyes that you've learned to take as a warning recently.

  
"Hey...Karkat..." she struggles to speak from the effort, "did Dave tell you...anything...about that cup?"

  
Karkat shakes his head. "No, but I'm guessing it's another embarrassing story."

  
He turns the cup over so he can see whatever was on the cup that made it so recognizable. His eyebrows scrunch up, confused at what he's looking at.

  
"I wouldn't go as far as to say it's an embarrassing Dave story." Rose argues. "It's definitely a story centering around Dave, but it's not exactly embarrassing."

  
"Aren't those...synonymous?" Dirk strains.

  
"You getting....tired....Di-Stri?" Roxy taunts.

  
"Never."

  
They both tighten their grips, and the arm wrestling intensifies.

  
"Do you want to tell the story or should I?" Rose asks. "Do you think you'll even be able to tell it while attempting to maintain this level of focus?"

  
"I can...do it. Both. I can do...both." Roxy insists, gritting her teeth.

  
Karkat's face hasn't changed at all.

  
"It was...Father's Day about...six years ago." Roxy begins. "Dirk...Rose...and I pooled all our money...together...to buy a present...Dave said he...had his own..... surprise planned, so he wasn't in.....volved at all. So we bought...this one cup that.....said #1 Dad.... on it."

  
You suddenly feel very queasy.

  
"We showed it to.....Dave......before wrapping it...and asked him....where his present was..."

  
Your heart is sinking like a stone into the roiling waves of your stomach.

  
"He took out this....marker...and crossed off 'dad'...and wrote 'cop' in....stead. Then he said..."surprise, motherfucker".....and left the room. We couldn't....get the marker off...so we had...to give it to him....like that."

  
"And our father loved it, being the work oriented man he is." Rose rolls her eyes.

  
"Where...is he...anyway?" Dirk asks.

  
"Work." Roxy responds in a half grunt.

  
"You'd think after such a big bust he could afford some vacation days." Rose says, crossing her arms.

  
"Yeah..." Roxy nods, "what's he.....gotta do? Catch......the whole....Midnight Crew?"

  
"He's already got their boss, what more could they want!" Rose continues contentiously.

  
The cup slips from Karkat's fingers and shatters to the floor, breaking into a mess of ceramic and coffee. All eyes are on him now, but he doesn't seem to notice. He's too busy looking at you.

  
His face is a storm of confusion and hurt and shock, his eyes are searching your own face for something, some facial tic- an upwards turn of the lip, a twitch in your cheek, something, anything- to prove that this is all some elaborate, cruel joke on him.

  
"Dave?" Oh god, there is so much pain in his voice that it feels like you just got stabbed in the heart.

  
You don't know what to say. "Karkat, I-"

  
You don't get the time to finish. He recoils when you speak, shaking his head slowly. You reach out a hand to touch him, but your hand never reaches far enough to close the distance. He runs from you.  
He only stops to grab his shoes before the door slams, and you're left standing in the kitchen like an idiot.

  
An idiot with an audience.

  
"Dave?" Roxy says, confused.

  
They're both still in arm wrestling stance, hands clasped tight and elbows on the table, but the game was officially paused the moment Karkat dropped the cup.

  
"What are you doing?" Dirk demands. "Go after him!"

  
"Do you really think I should?"

  
"Yes!" Rose yells. "You definitely should!"

  
"Go go go!"

  
You run out of your apartment with your shoes in hand to the sound of your family cheering you on. Karkat took the elevator, so you have to take the stairs if you want to catch him.

  
You run down all of them as fast as you can without hurting yourself.

  
By the time you burst forth from the doors, he's already over half a block away.

  
"Karkat!" You shout. "Karkat, wait!"

  
He doesn't turn around, but he does stop walking. "Leave me alone, Dave."

  
"No, Karkat, listen, I can explain-"

  
"Explain what?" He snaps, turning to face you. "Explain to me that your dad's a fucking cop? That your dad is the reason mine is in jail right now? That you were using me, and my family, and my friends to gather information for the police or some shit? Dave, when the hell were you going to explain this to me? How were you going to explain this to me?"

  
You open your mouth to say that you were going to tell him when the time was right. You're going to say that you didn't want to compromise your dad's position in the investigation. You want to tell him that you didn't use him, you didn't use anyone. You're not even working with the police.

  
You open your mouth to say all this, but you can't seem to get the sound to come out.

  
"No, you don't get to talk, Dave." Karkat shakes his head furiously. "I'm going to fucking vent, and you're going to stand there and fucking listen. I don't think I can handle any more of your lies right now."

  
This is the part where your voice returns. "I didn't lie to you. I may not have told you what my dad did for a living, but I didn't lie. I would never lie to you."

  
"You would never lie to me?" Karkat repeats. His voice is growing louder, he's practically yelling. "Lies of omission _count_ , Dave. They count."

  
You don't really have a counter argument. Karkat sees this, and he deflates. He's not looking at you. He probably can't bring himself to.

  
"Did any of this...mean _anything_ to you? Were you ever going to help me avenge my lusus, or were you just saying that so I would trust you? Did you even want to be friends with me? Did you even...did you even want to be _with_ me?"

  
His eyes find yours, pleading for answers. Pleading for you to say something that will make this better. Make it so this never happened.

  
You told him you would never lie to him, so you won't. "Not at first. At first I couldn't even tell if I liked you at all, I just wanted to make sure I had an in with the Crew."

  
He flinches when you say that and wraps his arms around himself.

  
"But," you continue, "as I got to know you, as I spent more time with you, I realized I...I really like you, Karkat. On every level of like that I can think of. Everything that's happened since, fuck, I don't know...an exact moment is hard to pin down. Everything since helping Jade out with the garden club has been because I like you and I want to spend more time with you. Everything since then has been pure Dave, no ulterior motive whatsoever."

  
You take a moment to breathe. Karkat doesn't look like he believes you at all. You're not sure what to do to convince him.

  
"When we first met," you continue, "my only concern was making sure my dad was safe. I wasn't expecting... _this_. I'm sorry, Karkat, I am so, so sorry."

  
Karkat laughs, but it's not the sweet, affectionate sound you've been hearing all morning. This is bitter and bleeds like poison on your tongue. "You really think apologies are going to cut it, Dave?"

  
He's rubbing his eyes, catching tears before they have the chance to fall. Before you have the chance to see them. You can't help but think about how small he looks, standing in front of you right now in the early morning light, breath fogging up in his face and wearing your pajamas. You want to put your arms around him and take him back inside.

  
You want to go back in time and hide that particular offending mug so that none of this ever happened.

  
You want to go back in time to before Karkat looked at you with so much pain in his expression. Before he thought you betrayed him.

  
"I'm glad your dad is safe, Dave." Karkat says, his voice is choked by suppressed sobs and the sting of a heart newly aching. "I am so fucking happy that you were able to keep your dad safe from the big bad members of the big scary gang. Really, I'm glad your dad's okay, because mine's not. Mine's in jail now because of your dad, because of you. He's probably going to prison. I might not...I might not ever see him again."

  
A couple tears manage to escape his notice, and he rubs roughly at them with the sleeve of your shirt. He doesn't want you to see him cry over this. Over you and what you've done.

  
He's not going to accept comfort from you, that much you're certain about.

  
You're itching to hold him, kiss him, to whisper comforting things in his ear as you dry his tears with your own hand.

  
You want to pick him up, carry him back to your bed, and take a nice long nap with him snug in your arms.

  
You can't do that, you can't do any of that. All you can do is stand here and watch him fall apart.

  
"Dave?" He's looking at you, the tears are gone, but the pain's still there, along with something you can't quite place. "Do me a favor, okay?"

  
You nod. "Anything. What is it?"

  
His face takes on a dark outrage, the kind that causes your heart to thump painfully with every beat. Your breath is caught in your throat.

  
"Never talk to me or my family ever again!"

  
Before you have the chance to say or do anything in response, he retreats. This time, you don't chase after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eggs, burned  
> cups, broken  
> secrets, revealed


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays, everybody! :)  
> I wanted to get this chapter out earlier so it wasn't quite as close to an actual holiday as it is, but I had a really bad cold that made me literally unable to see what I was writing half the time because my eyes were watering so much.  
> Anyway, I hope you like this chapter!

Everyone's staring at you. Everyone's staring at you like you're a fucking sideshow freak and you hate it. You hug your knees to your chest and try not to think about how accurate that description is.

  
You shiver even though it's warm inside the cafe. You've been shivering for awhile now. You ran from Dave in such a rush that you hadn't even thought about a coat. You didn't even have time to change out of his pajamas.

  
There's melting snow chilling you legs through the thin fabric of Dave's too-long pants and you're suddenly and violently self conscious about how you must look to all these people, all these fucking strangers and their fucking eyes that won't blink or look away from you or leave you alone at all. You try to shrink down into your chair so there's less of you to look at. You try to appear as small as you feel.

  
This morning you woke up in Dave's arms, breathing in the heady scent of his skin and listening to the lulling thrum of his blood pusher. This morning you woke up and the world was warm and soft and wonderful because Dave was there with you and his mouth was just as warm and soft as you'd remembered and he was even more wonderful and weird and nervous than you remembered and his presence just made the fuzzy feeling in your stomach spread out all the way down to your toes and all the way up to your pan and you were just so glad that that moment was happening and you never wanted it to end because you just felt so warm and so...so...

  
So...safe.

  
happy.

  
Part of you wishes that you could still be back in that moment, right up to the point where you were standing in the kitchen getting your second cup of coffee and the thought of spending all of a lazy Sunday with Dave and maybe his family too making you smile as you'd wondered, actually almost fucking wondered out loud, what you could have possibly done to deserve this.

  
Then you'd found out about Dave, about his father, about everything, and the question remained with only a shift in connotation.

  
What could you have possibly done to deserve this?

  
You want to be alone right now. You want to go back outside and bury yourself in a snow bank until you freeze yourself.

  
How could you have been so naive, so stupid, so blind for so long? How could you have trusted him so easily? You've told him things you hadn't told anyone. You've told him things you haven't even told Kanaya.  
The worst of it is you weren't even able to piece anything together by yourself, you had to find out from a fucking cup.

  
#1 Cop.

  
A god damn Father's Day present.

  
Just how stupid could you get?

  
You want to go home, barricade yourself in your room, and crush a pillow to your face until you asphyxiate.

  
Dave's been lying to you from the very beginning, and you repaid that with telling him everything he'd ever need to know and more. Dave had been so nice to you, weird and a bit aggravating, but nice. You'd seen no problem telling him your whole life story, about your lusus and your blood and your plan. You told him all about the Dreamer, about the security, and about the sopor supply and where it was stored. One night he'd worked with Jack and learned how the monitors functioned, he learned that you kept track of each other through pesterchum and that your guard was pretty much down because you didn't know just how fucking close you were to being caught by the authorities. The next night he was there he wanted to work with you behind the bar, and the raid had happened and no one was prepared and you were tossed into the escape tunnel like the sack of shit you were and that was the last time, the very last time you saw Jack. That night you'd held hands with Dave because it was dark and you led him down the tunnel under the impression that he was just as scared and anxious as you were, but now you think that slight tremor to his fingers may have been something closer to excitement because he'd succeeded. They ransacked your casino and took Jack into police custody.

  
It hadn't been a secret that you'd blamed yourself for what happened. Your mom knows, Kanaya knows, and you're pretty sure every other member of the Crew knows and blames you, too. Dave knew how you felt, and he tried to comfort you, but he didn't tell you the truth.

  
He didn't tell you that everything really was your fault.

  
You're the one who let Dave into the Crew.

  
You're the one who made sure he stayed close to you, close to Jack, while he was working so you could teach him the basics.

  
You're the one who trusted him.

  
You're the one who was fooled.

  
Everyone is still staring at you like they can see right through your borrowed pajamas and your skin all the way down to the sickening hue of your blood sloshing around your body in the disgusting canal of your veins.

  
In your whole life you've never felt this disgusting.

  
This revolting.

  
This stupid.

  
You won't cry over this. You refuse to cry over this. You've cried too much this weekend already. Is that really something you want to do in front of so many strangers?

  
Despite your won arguments, the saltwater persists. You can't help it. You've never felt so...

  
so...

  
defiled.

  
so used.

  
betrayed.

  
You wipe at your eyes quickly before they start to fall.

  
What could you have possibly done to deserve this?

  
You want to go to the Embassy.

  
You're about to get up to leave when a plate is placed in front of you.

  
"I didn't order-"

  
"I know," your waitress interrupts. You force yourself to look up to find Jane Crocker holding a tray of cakes and steaming mugs. She offers you a smile and a cup of coffee, "it's on the house. You really look like you could use it."

  
You accept the coffee and try to return the smile, but it comes off forced and weak. "Thanks."

  
"Don't mention it. I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to get back to work."

  
She waves good bye to you and walks off, and you watch her setting plates in front of customers and distracting them long enough so that they're no longer looking at you.

  
You still want to be alone, but it's the sudden onset and persuasiveness of thoughts like that that convince you it's a terrible idea. Who knows if you would have gone through with it in the end, but you're certain you would have at least tried if no one stopped you.

  
Jane Crocker doesn't know it, but she just saved your life with a piece of cake.

  
Maybe, you consider as you breathe in the aromatic pungency of the cafe's brimstone flavored house blend, maybe you should talk to someone.

  
But who, you ponder as you swirl a spoon around the edge of the cup and cause a miniature whirlpool in your coffee. Who the hell could you talk to about this?

  
Who the fuck could you really trust?

  
The answer came as quickly as the question formed and seemed as obvious as the puddle forming under your shoes.

  
Kanaya.

  
Kanaya, obviously.

  
Kanaya Maryam, your best friend who's been with you through thick and thin and everything in between. Kanaya Maryam, who's always armed with a well thought out word of advice and a shoosh pap if things got too complicated or stressful for you and you needed to be placated. Kanaya Maryam, the best moirail a troll could ask for, who's always up for a feelings jam and is always willing to support you in your endeavors and is genuinely concerned about your well being.

  
Even if you couldn't trust anyone else, you're certain you could always trust Kanaya.

  
You have to suppress a shudder when you finally choke down some of the nasty decaying ass-flavored propane this place markets as an actual beverage and take out your palmhhusk.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CG: KANAYA, ARE YOU AWAKE?  
GA: Yes Im Usually Awake Around Now And Pleasantly Surprised Youre Certainly Up Earlier Than Usual  
GA: Unless Of Course You Havent Slept In Which Case Im Going To Tell You To Go To Bed Moirails Orders  
CG: NO, IT'S FINE. I'M STILL SORT OF TIRED, BUT I DID SLEEP LAST NIGHT. I'M WORKING ON MY SECOND CUP OF COFFEE RIGHT NOW.  
GA: Well Thats Good Then Is There Anything In Particular You Wanted To Talk About Or Did You Just Have The Urge To Pester Me  
CG: IT WAS SORT OF A COMBINATION OF BOTH. NOW THAT I'M ACTUALLY PESTERING YOU THOUGH, I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE THE FUCKING GLOBES TO SAY WHAT I BOTHERED PESTERING YOU ABOUT LIKE THIS.  
GA: You Dont Think You Can Talk About It At All Or You Dont Think Youll Be Able To Talk About It Over Pesterchum  
GA: Keep In Mind That Whichever Is The Answer Really Doesnt Matter In The Long Run Because I Plan On Going To Your Hive And Dragging The Information Out Of You  
CG: OVER PESTERCHUM. I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT, BUT IT'S A LOT HARDER TO TYPE OUT AND SEE IT THAN TO JUST VOMIT ALL MY ISSUES ONTO YOUR LAP.  
GA: That Is Disgusting Imagery But I Appreciate Your Honesty Are You Saying You Need A Feelings Jam Karkat  
CG: THAT REALLY DEPENDS. ARE YOU OKAY WITH COMING ALL THE WAY OVER HERE JUST TO HAVE A FEELINGS JAM WITH ME?  
GA: Its Sad That You Feel Like You Have To Ask That Of Course Im Okay With Going All The Way To Your Hive For A Feelings Jam  
GA: Karkat I Would Be Willing To Drive All The Way To Your Hive If You Needed To Talk Even If I Wasnt Your Moirail

You have to put your palmhusk down for a second just to let yourself really appreciate your relationship with Kanaya.

GA: Karkat Are You Still There Your Silence Is A Little Worrying  
CG: YEAH, I'M STILL HERE. SORRY. IT'S JUST...  
GA: Just What  
CG: HAVE I MENTIONED LATELY HOW MUCH OF A GREAT MOIRAIL YOU ARE?  
GA: Earlier This Week As Well As Several Times Since We Became Official Yes  
GA: To Which I Will Continue To Respond With This  
GA: Youre Not Too Bad Yourself  
GA: Wink  
GA: Im Sorry We Are Usually In Person When We Talk About This That Gesture Is Far Less Effective Typed Out  
CG: NO, I'D SAY THAT WAS STILL PRETTY EFFECTIVE.  
GA: Oh Good  
GA: I Should Be On My Way Shortly  
CG: OKAY, BUT BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I'M NOT AT HOME.  
GA: Thats Also Out Of The Ordinary For You  
CG: BELIEVE ME, IF I KNEW HOW THINGS WERE GOING TO TURN OUT I WOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME.  
GA: Karkat Are You Okay  
CG: YES.  
CG: NO.  
GA: I Understand Everything Now  
CG: I MEAN, YES, PHYSICALLY I'M FINE. IF WE'RE TALKING EMOTIONALLY, THOUGH...  
GA: Karkat I Almost Exclusively Mean Emotional Pain Should I Rephrase My Inquiry So Thats Clearer  
GA: Karkat Are You Okay Emotionally  
CG: NO, EVERYTHING'S A TOTAL SHITSTORM AND I'M REALLY UPSET BUT I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT OVER PESTERCHUM BECAUSE THEN I'LL ACTUALLY HAVE A VISUAL REPRESENTATION OF HOW MUCH OF A PAN DEAD WASTE OF SLURRY I AM AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN REALLY HANDLE THAT ON TOP OF ALL THE OTHER HOOFBEAST SHIT I'M CURRENTLY DROWNING UNDER.  
CG: I THINK THIS MAY HAVE BEEN A BAD IDEA. I DON'T WANT TO DRAG YOU INTO THIS, KANAYA. FORGET ABOUT IT AND JUST STAY HOME.  
GA: Karkat You Know I Cant Do That I Need To Know What Happened Where Are You  
GA: If You Dont Answer Me Ill Just Ask Ms. Paint  
CG: DON'T DO THAT, SHE THINKS I'M WITH YOU.  
GA: Why Would She Think That  
CG: IT'S A LONG STORY THAT I CAN'T TALK ABOUT OVER PESTERCHUM.  
GA: Then Ill Come And Hear It From You  
GA: Karkat You Understand That As Your Moirail Its My Job To Get You Through All This Proverbial Shit I Cant Exactly Be A Great Moirail If I Leave You To Your Own Ill Equipped Devices  
GA: Im Heading Out To My Car Right Now And Im Going To Find You Whether You Tell Me Where You Are Or Not  
GA: Then Were Going To Have A Feelings Jam Like You Requested At The Beginning Of This Pesterlog And I Will Pap You Immediately Because It Really Sounds Like You Need It  
GA: I Will Also Slap You If You Continue To Make Me Worry About Your Safety Because You Wont Tell Me Where You Are  
CG: WELL I'D RATHER NOT BE SLAPPED AND IF YOU'RE GOING TO DISREGARD LITERALLY EVERYTHING I'VE FUCKING SAID THEN I GUESS I COULD JUST TELL YOU WHERE I AM.  
GA: That Is An Excellent Decision  
CG: DO YOU KNOW THE COFFEEHOUSE NEAREST MY HIVE? THE PURPLE ONE THAT BURNS YOUR GANDERBULBS JUST TO LOOK IN THE NEAR DIRECTION OF?  
GA: Yes The Little Dersite Place I Know Of It Stay There  
CG: I WASN'T PLANNING ON FUCKING OFF ANYWHERE.  
GA: All The Same Promise Me Youll Stay There  
CG: OKAY, I'LL STAY WHERE I AM. PROMISE.  
CG: KANAYA?  
GA: Still Here  
CG: THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME AND MY SHIT. I KNOW I'M NOT THE EASIEST TO DEAL WITH. EVER.  
CG: YOU'RE THE BEST MOIRAIL A TROLL COULD ASK FOR.  
GA: Youre Not Too Bad Yourself  
GA: <>  
CG: <>  
GA: Really Its No Problem What Else Are Moirails For  
GA: Ill See You Soon  
CG: SEE YOU.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

You put your palmhusk back down on the table, and you can't help but smile. You feel better already after talking to Kanaya. You can't even imagine how much better you'll feel when you actually spill your guts to her.

  
The relief you feel right now is short lived, outweighed by the sensation of eyes at your back, burning the skin on your neck.

  
You feel like you're on display.

  
You feel like a stupid, disgusting freak.

  
The bell above the door chimes, and you turn with your eyes immediately seeking out Kanaya. Unsurprisingly, she's not here yet. She only just left.

  
You curl as far into yourself as you possibly can and start on the cake Jane so graciously gave you while you still have something resembling an appetite. It doesn't take you very long to finish, Jane's an even more excellent baker than you remember and you don't think you'd be capable of stopping even if you wanted to.

  
Once again, the bell chimes, and you look again while trying to suppress your hopes for finding Kanaya standing there. Of course she isn't. She still has a bit of a drive, since she lives all the way on the other side of town.

  
You understand that, and you also understand how time, speed limit, and current road conditions work, but you still find yourself growing antsy and uncertain with every passing minute that she's not present.  
You wish you had some money on you so you could have paid for that cake, or even a dollar or two for a tip. You don't even have any pockets to search for loose change, damn these pajamas.

  
You resolve to leave her an IOU for anything she might need to call in a favor for. From what you've learned from mob movies, that's about the highest honor you can bestow on someone aside from actually paying for shit.

  
The bell chimes again, apparently these are prime hours for the place. You turn your head again to check and feel compelled to blink a couple times just to make sure that it's really her standing there. Kanaya is standing in the doorway, letting the cold outside air sweep through the warm cafe. You can see her eyes darting around, searching for you in the surprisingly dense crowd.

  
You can't believe you ever doubted her.

  
You stand up and almost trip, but manage to catch yourself before anyone notices.

  
"Kanaya!" You call, waving a hand to try to gain her attention.

  
Her wandering eyes finally meet yours and she smiles. You smile back because you're glad to see her, you're always glad to see her. When you consider the sheer amount of shit you have to tell her, your smile falters.

  
So much has happened since you last saw her, there's so much that you have to talk about. So much to explain.

  
It hits you then that you're going to have to tell her everything.

  
About the plan. About part two. About your trip to Little Alternia last night.

  
Everything.

  
You pull out a chair for her across from you and sit back down.

  
Kanaya approaches quickly, wanting to get over to you as fast as possible but also not wanting to draw an unnecessary amount of attention to herself.

  
The worry and concern in her eyes is not conveyed in the curve of her lips, you find as she pauses in front of you.

  
You sit up straighter and lock eyes with her at a closer range. You wonder if your face betrayed your fight against tears earlier. Can she tell just how close you'd been to crying? "What?"

  
"Karkat," she sighs, shaking her head, "I know I said you should experiment with your wardrobe, but this is a bit extreme. You look like you raided the free bin blindfolded at a tacky garage sale."

  
You have to smile at that. Critiquing your clothing choices is definitely a normal Kanaya thing to do. You're so glad she chose to start this off like it's a regular get together and not because you'd freaked out on pesterchum. "That was oddly specific."

  
"That color combination is oddly offensive." She says, removing her coat and pointing to your clothes as she sits down.

  
You've never been so happy to have your fashion sense insulted.

  
You can still feel the heat of at least a dozen stares at your exposed neck, this time directed at the presence of your moirail. They're probably wondering why she's here with the living epitome of barkbeast vomit.  
Kanaya doesn't seem to notice the staring, or maybe she just doesn't care. You can't really tell. Her eyes are on nothing but you. She's waiting for you.

  
You're the one who pestered her.

  
You're the one who made her drive all the way to a second-rate cafe in New Can Town.

  
You're the one who wanted to talk.

  
So, what the fuck are you waiting for? Talk.

  
You open your mouth, but you just can't seem to get the words to come out.

  
"How was your date with Rose?" You end up saying instead.

  
Kanaya offers you a dubious look and a frank response. She knows that's not what you want to talk about. You're stalling. "It was good."

  
Any other time and she would have described every aspect of the date to you. You could have killed several hours like that.

  
Why are you stalling?

  
Kanaya is sitting patiently, head propped up with one hand. You turn your attention to your coffee cup and move your spoon around in it. You're stirring nothing, but at least your hands are doing something.

  
You want to talk, you really do.

  
You're just not sure where to begin.

  
Everyone's staring at you, and you hate it.

  
Everyone's staring at Kanaya because she's with you, and you hate that even more.

  
Kanaya must be sensing your discomfort, because she stretches her hand out to you, her fingers lightly brushing the back of your hand. You stop stirring and raise your eyes to hers.

  
"Did you want to leave?" She asks you quietly. "If you're not comfortable talking here, we could go somewhere else."

  
You nod. "That'd be good, thanks."

  
You stand and wait for Kanaya as she shrugs into her coat, one of those long ones that reaches almost to the backs of her knees, and buttons it with a deft hand.

  
"Are you ready?" You ask, stacking your dirty dishes on top of each other and folding up a hastily scrawled IOU you'd written on a napkin so no one except Jane would see it when she cleared the table.

  
"Yes." She nods, pulling on a pair of gloves.

  
You head for the door with Kanaya not far behind you.

  
"Karkat, " she inquires behind you as your hand meets the glass of the door. It's cold to the touch. You can't imagine how much worse it must be outside. "where's your coat?"

  
"...I don't have it."

  
You spare a glance at her, suddenly sheepish about your lack of proper winter wear. The frown you receive doesn't help.

  
"Why don't you have it with you?" She moves next to you so she's facing you, making you look her in the eye. You're both blocking the door at this point.

  
"That's a long story."

  
"Is it?" The way she says it makes it sound like she doesn't believe you, but she's willing to entertain your excuses.

  
"It's part of a long story." You amend.

  
"Karkat," Kanaya sighs, shaking her head, "the weather is far too terrible for you to just be leaving your coat at home on a whim. You could catch a cold or get pneumonia or frostbite. It's too dangerous for you to be going out without one at this temperature. You need to learn to take better care of yourself."

  
It feels like you're being scolded by your mom.

  
"It wasn't on a whim!" You disagree. "And it's not like I was planning on being out for a long time, anyway."

  
"What were you doing out without a coat in the first place?" She asks as she begins to unbutton her own.

  
"I can't talk about it yet." You say with a shake of your head. "Sorry."

  
"It's fine, that's why we're leaving, isn't it?" She removes her coat and drapes it across your shoulders.

  
"Kanaya, what are you doing?" You try to swat her hand away as she buttons her coat onto you. "This is yours, I'm not wearing it."

  
You undo three of the buttons, but she's quick to redo them. "Yes you are. You'll freeze without one."

  
"What about you? If you make me wear your coat, won't you freeze?"

  
"I'm wearing layers. I am far more prepared to defend myself against the weather than you in your pajamas." She points out. "If it makes you feel any better, I'll keep my gloves on."

  
It actually does make you feel better.

  
"I could have buttoned it myself." You grumble as she pushes the door open. You're hit with a blast of cold air, but it's not as bad as it was before.

  
"Of course you could have, but I knew you wouldn't until you absolutely had to." She extends her hand out to you. "Shall we?"

  
You take her hand and let her lead you outside.

  
The bell on the door chimes your exit, and you feel an instant relief to be out of that space with its bad coffee and claustrophobic stares.

  
"There's a park near here, isn't there? My guess is that it's probably empty, save for a few barkbeast walkers. We could talk there if you want."

  
You nod. "It should be that way. It's in walking distance from here."

  
"Lead the way."

  
You start walking in the general direction of the park, still holding on to Kanaya's hand.

  
Should you let go?

  
No, she's the one who offered her hand first. Besides, there's nothing wrong with holding hands with your moirail.

  
You probably don't have to be gripping her hand so tightly, though. It's not like she's going anywhere.

  
You start to loosen your grip, but a dark thought crosses your mind and you hold on to her as tight as you can.

  
What if she does? What if everything you tell her is too overwhelming, too much to handle all at once?

  
What if you're too much of a disaster, and she doesn't want to deal with you anymore?

  
What if she leaves you?

  
Your hands are shaking. You try to convince yourself that Kanaya wouldn't do that. She's been with you for fucking ever. You know Kanaya, that's not something she would ever do to you.

  
You thought you knew Dave, too, though. You thought you could trust Dave. Now look where all of that knowledge and trust has gotten you.

  
You're so broken about it that you don't know if you can trust your own judgement anymore.

  
You're so fucking messed up that you don't even know if you can trust Kanaya.

  
Your hands just won't stop shaking.

  
"Karkat?" She stops walking, and you turn to look at her. Her face is full of concern as she looks down at her hand, still locked in your shaky vice grip. She raises her eyes to yours and the sheer amount of unadulterated worry directed at you makes you flinch with guilt. "Are you alright?"

  
How could you ever doubt Kanaya?

  
Even for a second, how could you?

  
You avert your eyes. All of this is really getting to you.

  
It's the stress and anxiety and betrayal all roiling in the pit of your stomach and making you nauseously paranoid.

  
Kanaya hasn't done anything to deserve your distrust. She's your best friend, your moirail, and your literal partner in crime.

  
If you just talk to her, this might start to fade. Kanaya can help you. You know that.

  
So why can't you seem to talk?

  
"Karkat?" Kanaya's unoccupied hand finds your cheek, papping it lightly. You have yet to answer her, and you can hear the tinge of disquiet in her voice at your silence.

  
You shake your head and she lets go of your hand. You try to take her hand back while simultaneously steadying the shake, but you accomplish neither task.

  
You make a strangled, frustrated noise as you grab for her hand that makes Kanaya chuckle softly. She paps your cheek a few more times, her pacing more persistent. Her other hand, the one you've been trying to catch, is in your hair.

  
"K-Kanaya, I-" you haven't even said anything yet, and your voice is already breaking with the weight of your emotions.

  
"Shoosh." Kanaya soothes. You can feel yourself melting into putty in her hands. The hand playing with your hair slowly moves down your neck and to your back. She pushes you closer to her, and you don't fight it. You press your forehead against her shoulder and lean against her as dead weight.

  
You crush yourself against her, clinging to her as if your life depends on it.

  
You can't help but think about the way she's holding you, stroking your back and hushing you without noting the similarities from last night.

  
When Dave stopped you. When Dave held you so close for the first time on a sidewalk in Little Alternia. You'd been so scared.

  
Dave had let you cry on his shirt and told you that everything would be okay, that you were safe.

  
Was that all a lie?

  
When you were lying on Dave's couch and he said you'd scared him because he thought he was going to lose you, was that the truth, or was he manipulating you?

  
You feel so naive for falling for it.

  
You feel so disgusting and stupid, for opening up so easily after every soft touch, every tender kiss he offered, every comforting word whispered in the dark.

  
Kanaya presses you tighter to herself in an embrace that someone would need the jaws of life to break. The tremble that had been confined to your hands just a moment ago had spread across your body, and Kanaya is doing the best she can to stop it. The important part, you think, is that she managed to pull you out of your own head before you started crying again.

  
You're not going to cry about this.

  
You refuse to cry about this.

  
"Karkat," Kanaya whispers as the shaking begins to subside, "we don't have to do this. You don't have to tell me if it's too much for you to talk about right now. You should talk when you're ready. I'm perfectly fine with just comforting you, if that's what you need. We could go, if you want. I could take you home or we could go back to my hive and you could sleep over."

  
It's a tempting offer. Going to Kanaya's. Watching movies and talking shit about each other's taste in film. Falling asleep with your head on her lap.

  
It's a really tempting offer.

  
But you can't.

  
"No," you say from your spot on her shoulder, "I have to talk about this. It's...it's really fucking important that I get it off my chest. I want to talk, I promise I do, I wouldn't drag you all the way out here for fucking nothing. I just need a minute. Just-"

  
You cut yourself off before you can finish, but Kanaya catches your hesitation. "Just what, Karkat?"

  
"Just promise me you won't leave."

  
She doesn't even pause to think about it. "I promise."

  
You relax your hold on her and nuzzle your face into the nape of her neck. The fabric of her sweater is irritating your face, but not enough that it bothers you too much. The hand that was resting on your cheek, ready to pap you again if the need arose is now occupied with your hair.

  
In the back of your pan, you recall that Dave had done almost the same thing earlier this morning, when you were talking about Jack-

  
you force yourself to stop thinking about Dave and focus on the here and now. On the way the sun glints off the snow. On the patch of black ice down the street that you're probably going to slip on on your way to the park. Most importantly, you focus on Kanaya.

  
You focus on nothing but Kanaya until the only thoughts left in your head are about her.

  
You can't believe how great she is sometimes.

  
She's been so patient and understanding this whole time, even though you've been nothing but difficult. You're not sure if you'd be capable of the same in her position.

  
She's willing to just stand here on a public sidewalk and hold you until you feel better if you've changed your mind about talking about it.

  
She even lent you her fucking coat because it's cold out and you didn't bring one.

  
What the fuck did you do to deserve such an amazing moirail?

  
"Hey, Kanaya?"

  
"Yes?"

  
You hide your reddening face in her sweater. "Pale for you."

  
"Mothergrub." Kanaya breathes. Her face must be burning as embarrassingly bright as yours, because she's burying her own face in your hair, her nose pressed against your scalp. "I'm pale for you, too, Karkat."

  
You hug her tighter, trying to convey your feelings with an affectionate squeeze. Even if it doesn't get through to her, it's definitely a marked improvement from the way you were needily clinging to her earlier.  
You're not sure how long the both of you stay like that, hiding your vibrant faces and holding each other. Long enough that you wonder how you're going to break away from her, but not long enough that you actually want to yet.

  
Something in your pocket buzzes.

  
No, not your pocket. The pocket of Kanaya's coat.

  
Kanaya's palmhusk is buzzing in the pocket of her coat, which you are currently wearing.

  
"Your palmhusk's buzzing." You tell her as you pull one of your arms away to dig around in her coat pocket.

  
"Oh, is it?" Her arms fall away from you, out of your hair and off your back as she straightens up. There's still the faintest green tint to her face.

  
"Yeah. Did you want to answer it?" You find it and hold it out to her.

  
Kanaya knits her eyebrows together, uncertain if she should accept it or not. "Are you sure?"

  
"It's okay, go ahead."

  
She nods and takes it from you. From the look on her face, you gather the message she received wasn't a good one. She's biting her bottom lip, pointed fang digging in to the soft tissue and probably messing up her lipstick. You fumble around in her pocket, fingers closing around what you think is a tube of lipstick in case she wants to fix it later.

  
Kanaya removes one of her gloves and taps out a quick reply before turning her palmhusk off and handing it back to you.

  
You exchange it for the lipstick and receive a perplexed expression in reply.

  
"It's smudged." You explain. "I thought you might want to fix it."

  
She nods as the confusion drains from her face, momentarily distracted by whatever the message was. You hope it wasn't anything too serious.

  
Kanaya turns around and examines her reflection in the nearest storefront and wrinkles her nose at it. "You're right. Thank you, Karkat."

  
She performs a quick touch up and hands the tube back to you. You stow it in her coat pocket.

  
"Karkat," she says, rubbing green lipstick off of a fang, "why didn't you tell me you were at Dave's?"

  
Your bloodpusher skips a beat. "I...h-how did you-"

  
"That was Rose." She says, facing you. "She asked if I knew where you were. She said you spent the night, but then ran away without an explanation, and that worried her because of...some things that Dave told her. She also requested that I try to make contact with you and that you shouldn't be alone right now in case-"

  
Kanaya stops, swallows. You have a feeling you know what she was going to say, and you can understand why she wouldn't want to.

  
"-in case you try to hurt yourself."

  
Kanaya's eyes meet yours, and there's a pleading disbelief in them that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. She doesn't want to believe it's true, but it is. The fact that Kanaya had to find out what you almost did like this makes you feel sick.

  
You can't look at her anymore.

  
"Karkat, what happened yesterday?"

  
It's almost a demand.

  
You can't answer it yet, the street might be empty, but it's still too public.

  
You're less than a block away from the park.

  
"Come on." You gesture for her to follow you as you run across the street.

  
"Karkat, wait!" Kanaya chases after you, but you don't stop. You agreed to telling her at the park, and honestly telling her while sitting on a bench in a secluded area of a pretty much forgotten recreational area seems a lot more private and better for this kind of conversation than standing in the middle of a soon to be bustling business district.

  
You slip on the black patch of ice just like you predicted you would, and you swear you would have caught yourself if you hadn't ended up stepping on the bottom of your pajama pants like a graceless fuck nugget. You end up faceplanting in the middle of the street.

  
Kanaya catches up to you just as your brushing snow off of her coat. "Are you okay? That was quite the fall."

  
"I'm so glad no one saw that." You admit. "That was fucking stupid."

  
"It really was." Kanaya agrees, offering you her arm. "I was going to tell you to tread carefully, but by then you were already in the midst of falling."

  
Kanaya links her arm with yours and starts walking you over to the park. You feel like a wiggler who's too young to cross the street by himself.

  
Kanaya doesn't let go of your arm once you're in the park, either. Instead the two of you are strolling along a tree lined path in search of a place to sit and talk. It would be nice if the subject matter wasn't so grim.  
Eventually, the two of you find a bench. You have to clear the snow off it with your hands before sitting down.

  
Kanaya's sitting patiently with her hands folded in her lap, waiting for you to speak. She's been waiting all day for you to begin.

  
You have to do this.

  
You take a deep breath.

  
You want to do this.

  
Your hands are balled into fists to keep them steady.

  
Are you ready to do this?

  
You exhale.

  
"Well?" Kanaya prompts.

  
"Yesterday-" you begin, but stop almost immediately as the word leaves you.

  
Are you really ready for this?

  
Kanaya is waiting for you to continue speaking.

  
"Yesterday I tried to go to the Embassy." You finally blurt out all at once.

  
Kanaya blinks, trying to get the shock out of her eyes as she processes what you just told her. "Wh-why would you...?"

  
"To turn myself in. Like I'd always planned."

  
You launch into your story, beginning with your initial plan to avenge your lusus and ending with what happened last night when you tried to go through with it and everything inbetween.

  
"Karkat." Kanaya says when you finally finish. The monotonous tone of her voice makes you shrink back a bit.

  
"Y-yeah?"

  
"I'm honestly not sure if I want to slap you for thinking something this stupid for this long or if I want to drag you into a pile and cuddle and tell you how much I pity you and that everything will be fine until those statements become platitudes and they lose all meaning forever." She says, her voice flat. She looks down at her interlaced hands. "Both are very strong urges."

  
"I'm sorry. I-I should have told you sooner. Or someone, at least. I don't know why I didn't."

  
"Probably because you knew they would stop you. That's why you spent the night with Dave, isn't it? Because he stopped you and he wanted to make sure you didn't try again?"

  
You nod. That's not the whole story, and you now believe Dave had different interests in mind when he asked you to come home with him, but you'd genuinely thought he was worried about you at the time.

  
"And that's why you requested me to come? In case the urge struck you and you were unable to stop yourself?"

  
You nod again and stare at your lap, ashamed of your own weakness.

  
"That's good. I'm glad you pestered me for help, really, I am. Asking for help takes so much more strength than people realize. Karkat, I'm so proud of you!"

  
You tilt your head, not certain you understand. "You're proud of me?"

  
She takes your hand in hers and smiles. "Of course I am."

  
Having Kanaya sitting here and telling you she's proud of you fills you with this great warm, fuzzy feeling that you can't help but smile back. You inch closer to her and lean your head against her shoulder.

  
"My only question," she says as she lets go of your hand and puts her arm around your shoulders, "is why you left Dave's in such a rush in the first place."

  
You tense and wrap both your arms around her. You've been dreading this.

  
"What I told you just now about last night, about my plan and the Embassy and Dave, that's just the first half of the story. The second half-"

  
You swallow, hide your face against her skin. "The second half was unexpected."

  
You start off slow, by telling her all the good, great, and amazing things that happened last night. You tell her every little fucking detail. It's probably way more than she needs to hear, but you describe every kiss, every touch, and every emotion you felt with Dave last night from leaving his bathroom to falling asleep with your mouth on his.

  
"It sounds like you had a really nice night with Dave." Kanaya says quietly, twirling a lock of your hair between her fingers.

  
You nod. "I hadn't felt so-"

  
safe?

  
happy?

  
_loved?_

  
"-good in a long time. Which makes what happened today even worse."

  
"Why? What happened today?"

  
You skip over a lot of what happened this morning, only pausing to recount the parts that were important, like the fact that you'd met Dave's brother while letting Dave pretty much control you like a puppet because he wanted to play out that one scene from Ghost, but with a frying pan and eggs instead of a ceramics wheel. You also mention the part where Dave asked you about Jack, and that you'd asked him to come with you when you finally visit him.

  
That part makes your mouth taste vile.

  
You mention the coffee, and you mention Roxy and the fact that she was arm wrestling Dirk when it happened.

  
Then you mention the cup.

  
That fucking cup.

  
If it weren't for that stupid fucking cheesy cup, you would still be in the dark about everything.

  
"Karkat, I don't understand. What could have possibly been so offensive on this cup that you had to leave so quickly?"

  
"Nothing, there was nothing wrong with the cup." You mumble agitatedly, rubbing some of her sweater between your fingers. "It was a Father's day present. It...it said number one cop on it, Kanaya. His dad's a cop, and Dave joined the Crew to help take us down with the police. He didn't have any interest in the Crew or helping me or-"

  
being with me you almost say.

  
"-being honest about anything. He knew the raid was going to happen, I'm sure of it! He would have been perfectly fine with either of us getting arrested, Kanaya. It wouldn't have made a fucking difference to him. The only reason he's still here, still in the Crew, still pretending to be our friend is so he can manipulate us and get more information from us! There's not a doubt in my pan that he's already told the police all about our sopor operation and the extortion and the protection rackets. He's probably already told them all about...me. About my blood. Everything."

  
"Karkat," Kanaya says your name so sadly that it makes you almost want to cry.

  
"And that's not even the worst of it." Your voice is thick. "The worst of it is that I didn't know. K-Kanaya, I had no idea about it, I feel so stupid. I should have known. I should have...I should have...checked him out first, make sure he was a good option. I shouldn't have let him join as easily as I did. I put everyone in danger, Kanaya. I was stupid and careless and naive and I thought...I thought..."

  
You thought Dave cared about you.

  
You even thought he might have loved you.

  
You're sobbing into Kanaya's sweater. She's stroking your hair and hushing you softly.

  
You told yourself you weren't going to cry over this.

  
You lied.

  
"Everything's my fault." You mumble, uncertain if she can hear you or if you're even making sense anymore. "The Dreamer's destroyed, my dad's in jail, and it won't be long before the police catch what's left of us. I-I wonder what I'll fuck up next."

  
You try to laugh, but it comes out choked and broken. Kanaya squeezes you tight against her before removing your arms from around her and making you sit upright on the bench. Her hands are cupping your face.

  
"Karkat," she says softly, holding your head still so you're looking her in the eye, "I just want to start this off by saying that no matter what you decide, I'll support you. I don't want you to think there's a right or wrong answer, or that I'll leave you if I don't like what you choose to do. Just know that even if I don't agree with you, I will always, always be here for you."

  
"Thanks, Kanaya." You sniffle, touched. What did you ever do to deserve such a great moirail?

  
"Don't mention it." She smiles. "Now I need you to do something for me."

  
"What?" You ask, you'd be willing to do just about whatever she said right now.

  
She removes her hands from your face. "I want you to close your eyes for a minute. Can you do that for me?"

  
You nod and cover your eyes with your hands.

  
"Now I want you to think about Dave. I want you to think about Dave and all of your good memories of him. I want you to remember how you felt about him before today. I want you to think about how he made you feel before you were hurt by him."

  
You peek at her from between your fingers. "I don't know if I can."

  
"Just try."

  
You try. You concentrate all of your energy on this one task.

  
You think about Dave Strider, minus the deceit.

  
Weird, idiotic, wears-sunglasses-indoors Dave.

  
You remember helping Jade out with the gardening club, how he'd sat so close to you because he was cold and he kept making jokes about you and Kanaya and your new moirallegiance. You threw dirt at him more than once, and the three of you had had to stay late cleaning up after.

  
You remember how he kept you waiting at the cafe the day of the raid (the same one you'd waited for Kanaya in) and how he'd come in playing a kazoo and making a total ass of himself because he was late. You remember being so glad to see him. You remember laughing. Smiling.

  
You remember him reintroducing you to Terezi, how you'd been so sure she'd hate you. How Terezi had been just as relieved and happy to meet you again as you were to meet her. You remember that Dave waited in the hall for you, and that you'd hugged him and cried and thanked him for doing this for you.

  
You remember last night, being held and exchanging secrets and kisses on his couch in the middle of the night. Being wrapped up in his arms and warm with layers of blankets and affection and sleep.

  
"Karkat," Kanaya begins carefully, "none of this is your fault, and I don't think it's Dave's fault, either. I really don't think that Dave would ever...hurt you. Not intentionally. Not like this. If I even had a shadow of a doubt that he was capable of this, I would have never let him come anywhere near the Crew or you, as opposed to flirting shamelessly with his sister like I did."

  
She laughs a bit at that before continuing. "I don't think Dave was working with the police. I think he was being honest with you when he said he was just making sure his dad was safe. I don't think he actually had an ulterior motive. And I don't think he knew about the raid, either. Think about it, why would he have gone to the Dreamer with us if he knew that would happen? It wouldn't have been too suspicious if he'd stayed home, and he seemed just as surprised and anxious as the rest of us after it happened."

  
"Kanaya?"

  
"I'm almost done, I promise. I just have one more thing to say, and then you can open your eyes."

  
You hear her clear her throat.

  
"Awhile ago, Dave asked me if we could talk. He wanted to talk to me about you, Karkat. He wanted advice. He told me..."

  
She takes a deep breath.

  
"He told me that he likes you."

  
Your hands slip off your face before Kanaya gives you the go ahead.

  
Dave likes you.

  
Dave's dad is a cop.

  
Dave likes you.

  
Dave's dad arrested your dad.

  
Dave likes you.

  
Dave lied to you.

  
You have no idea what to do with this information. You just sit there stiffly on the bench, blinking stupidly.

  
"You don't have to think about this right now." Kanaya says. "It would probably be best if you leave the information alone for a little while before considering your options. I just thought it would be better if you knew."

  
You nod. "Yeah. Thanks."

  
"Are you okay?"

  
"I...don't know." You admit honestly. "I think I just need some time to process everything."

  
"Okay." Kanaya nods. "Did you still want to visit Jack? Because I'm willing to come with you if you want."

  
"That would be good, thanks."

  
"We're going to have to stop by your hive first." Kanaya says, glancing at your clothes.

  
You shake your head. "No, I don't want my mom seeing me like this. She'll just be worried."

  
"Hm." Kanaya thinks, "I suppose we could always go to my hive, but that really depends."

  
"On what?" You ask.

  
She smiles. "If you're okay with opening your Twelfth Perigee present early."

  
You smile back at her, and she takes your hand without waiting for a response. You let her lead you out of the park.

  
"You could stay over if you want."

  
"But we have school tomorrow, my mom's not going to be okay with that."

  
"Karkat, it's a three day weekend, we don't have school tomorrow."

  
"Oh."

  
You're almost back to her car now.

  
"My recuperacoon's open if you want to take a nap first."

  
"Thanks. I think I should be okay, though."

  
"Okay."

  
She opens the passenger door for you and ushers you inside.

  
"Buckle up."

  
You do it, and Kanaya starts driving back to her hive in Little Alternia.

  
As you sit there in the passenger seat of Kanaya's car, your eyes closed and your head leaning against the cold glass of the window, you have the feeling you might be okay after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never actually written a lot about moirallegiance before, but I think it turned out okay.  
> I'm sorry if anyone was disappointed that this wasn't the Dave portion of what happened after. That's next, I promise.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place at the same time as chapter 31, just so everyone's aware.

"Dave!" You turn at the sound of your name being shouted from above by your sister. "What are you doing? Go after him!"

  
Rose doesn't seem very happy about what you just did.

  
Or didn't do, if you wanted to be accurate.

  
You turn back to the sidewalk, to the spot Karkat was standing a moment ago, yelling at you and trying not to cry. He's gone now, he must have turned a corner or something on the way to wherever he's going.

It's just you now in the quiet early morning and the stupid fucking freezing snow.

  
There's a lot of shit you didn't do.

  
You didn't tell him about your dad.

  
You didn't go after him.

  
You didn't hold or touch or talk to him enough.

  
You didn't kiss him as much as you should have, as much as you wanted to.

  
You didn't spend enough time warm and snuggling in bed, wrapped up in blankets and each other.

  
You didn't remember that fucking cup.

  
You look back up at Rose and shake your head. You're not happy about this either, but there's nothing you could do that'll make it better right now.

  
She's glaring at you, pointing down the street in the direction Karkat went, her mouth a thin, angry line.

  
"Dave!" She yells again. You don't answer her.

  
There's a lot of shit that you didn't do that, in retrospect, you should have done, but even you can tell that if you go after him it's going to become something that you did that you shouldn't have. You put your head down and trudge back inside.

  
You take the stairs slowly all the way up to your apartment. You really don't want to face Rose right now. You don't want to face Dirk or Roxy either, but not as much as you don't want to face an indignant Rose.

  
When you open the door, you find all three of them standing by the window. They're facing you, all with varying degrees of expressed confusion. It occurs to you then that they were probably all watching what happened from the window.

  
Watching Karkat flinch away from you as you talked.

  
Watching you keep your distance as he yelled.

  
Watching him, small, sad, and helpless, trying to keep himself together.

  
Watching you keep your distance from him, even as he ran away from you.

  
You can't imagine how bad that must have looked, with or without sound.

  
The way that they're looking at you, watching you now, it's clear that they can't imagine how bad you must feel, whether they could hear you or not.

  
You step away from the door and head towards the kitchen to clean up the coffee and shards of ceramic from the cup that slipped through Karkat's fingers just a moment before. Rose watches you, arms crossed over her chest and glaring. You focus on picking up the pieces carefully with your fingers.

  
"Dave." Rose repeats testily. "I'm waiting."

  
"That's awesome, I heard patience is a virtue. Why don't you tell me when it pays off."

  
"You said you would tell me what was going on if something happened. Clearly something happened, and since you're not going after Karkat then it's time to talk. So, talk. What exactly happened?"

  
"I'm sort of curious to know myself." Dirk hands you a towel. "The hell was up with that?"

  
"Yeah, everything seemed fine!" Roxy adds. "You guys were being all cute and shit and then that cup smashed and he zoomed the fuck out of here like no one's business. What's the deal here?"

  
"The _deal_ here," you reply as you toss the pieces into the trash and take the towel from Dirk, "is that I managed to fuck things up with Karkat."

  
That's an understatement if you've ever heard one.

  
"Obviously." Rose says, rolling her eyes. "But how, is the real question. Or, to be less vague, how could you let him leave like that after what you told me? After what he tried to do? How, Dave, how?"

  
"Wait, hold up," Roxy holds up a hand, stopping you before you can answer, "what did Karkat try to do?"

  
The question's addressed to Rose, Roxy must have realized there's no way in hell you'd answer right now. Or possibly ever, given the subject.

  
Rose gives you a look, offering you a chance to explain before she launches into it herself. You stay quiet.

  
"Last night, Dave pestered me about what he was supposed to do with someone who..."

  
Rose pauses, chewing on her bottom lip as if she's reconsidering what she's going to say, or at least how to phrase it.

  
"Who what?" Dirk asks.

  
"Yeah, don't leave us hanging!" Roxy coerces with interest.

  
"...with someone who attempts suicide."

  
Dirk and Roxy grow silent, looking at you with wide eyed shock.

  
"I can tell you this much," Rose continues, "I definitely didn't say he should let someone who's emotionally vulnerable _run away while visibly distraught."_

  
Rose's voice began to rise the more irate she became, her hands balled into tight fists. She looks like she's trying very hard not to punch you.

  
"Dave?"

  
"He didn't...?" Dirk doesn't finish the question, but you all understand the weight of his meaning.

  
"No," you sigh, wiping up now cold coffee from the floor, "he didn't. At least, I don't think he did."

  
"That's good." Roxy nods. "That's good, right? That he's not hurting himself?"

  
She's looking around from you to Rose to Dirk for someone to agree, to validate her thoughts on the subject.

  
No one says anything.

  
Roxy closes her mouth, shoulders slumping.

  
"Dave," Dirk asks quietly, "why aren't you going after him?"

  
You stand up, coffee stained towel in hand. "Honestly, my going after him wouldn't have been any better. If anything, it would have only made things worse. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Not after this."

  
"Not after what, Dave?" Rose coaxes.

  
You shake your head and push past the three of them so you can throw the towel in the wash. Rose follows behind you insistently.

  
"Dave," her voice softens, but you can still hear the hushed vexation in her tone, "if you're not going after him, then you need to explain to us why."

  
You open up the washing machine only to find a lump of damp clothes already inside.

  
Right.

  
Last night you'd exchanged Karkat's snow drenched clothes for a pair of pajamas. You'd thrown his wet clothes in the wash.

  
You forgot all about that during the course of events.

  
Shit.

  
What the hell are you going to do with these?

  
Tossing them in the dryer seems like the best idea right now.

  
"Dave, please! This is important. I-I need to know. I need to understand what happened last night. What happened this morning. Why did Karkat run away? Why didn't you go after him? How exactly did he try to-"

  
"The Embassy." You interject. Rose sounds strange talking like this, practically pleading with you. You can't stand it. "He was going to the Embassy."

  
You turn away from the laundry and catch your sister with a perplexed look on her face. "Why would he go there? Did he have some business with the government he needed to attend to?"

  
"It's a long story. A really long story. I'm talking Iliad length. If this story were put to paperback it would have to be a two volume set because they just don't make spines that fucking thick, Rose. It's physically impossible."

  
"That's alright." Rose says with a shrug as the two of you head back to the kitchen. "I'm a quick reader, and we have nothing but time."

  
Rose takes a seat at the kitchen table, and you lean against the counter by the mostly full coffeepot. Your own cup of coffee is cooling by your elbow. You don't want it anymore.

  
Roxy and Dirk are both staring at you, still in the same position you'd left them in.

  
"If you guys wanted to take a seat," you gesture towards the kitchen table, "I was about to lay down some serious explanation up in here. Come on, pop a squat and be prepared to have your mind fucking blown from the mad truth bombs I'm about to get droppin'."

  
Dirk and Roxy look at each other, shrug, and walk into the kitchen, hand in hand.

  
"How long have you guys been holding hands?"

  
"Since we reached a stalemate on the arm wrestling match." Roxy answers. "You know, around the time you ran outside and we wanted to see what was up."

  
"So you've just been holding hands this whole time?" How had you not noticed this?

  
"We're very serious about this match." Dirk admits bluntly. You can see him squeezing Roxy's hand pretty tight.

  
You nod. "I admire your dedication."

  
"Thanks. We planned on getting right back into it as soon as you got back with Karkat, but..."

  
"It just feels awkward now. I think I'm willing to call a tie until further notice. You want to call a tie?"

  
Dirk looks at Roxy, who briefly considers the proposal before giving a firm nod of agreement. They let go of each other and take a seat just like you'd asked. You can't help but notice that they're at separate sides of the table, just like how they were seated when their arm wrestling match was the most dramatic thing to take place this morning.

  
"Go ahead, Dave," Rose says, leaning forward with rapt attention, "what were you saying?"

  
"What I was saying," you're drumming your fingers against the edge of the counter as you speak, "was that Karkat was on his way to the Embassy when I stopped him. He was going there because..." you swallow.

  
This is all information that was entrusted to you by Karkat. Secrets he'd shared with you personally. Because he trusted you.

  
"Because...that's what he'd planned to do. I think he thought it was...the best option. For what he was trying to accomplish, anyway."

  
"I'm not sure I understand." Rose's eyebrows are scrunched together in confusion, "Why would he plan to go to the Embassy, Dave? Why would the Alternian Embassy play any role at all in this unless he committed some cullable offense?"

  
"That's the thing," you consider your words carefully. How exactly do you explain this? "he...did. It wasn't anything he actually did himself, though, it was entirely out of his control."

  
"I don't get it," Roxy shakes her head, "he did something that his government wants to kill him for, but he also didn't do anything?"

  
"Yeah. Karkat...his blood...it's not on the hemospectrum."

  
You can see the weight of what you're saying hit Rose first, her eyes glimmering with disbelief and comprehension.

  
"He's a mutant."

  
"I-" Rose says, falters, stares at her tight fists on the table. Her nails are practically biting into her wrists.

  
Karkat's claws had pricked your skin last night as he held on to you and told you how long he'd been planning it out for. He'd held on hard enough to leave small marks on your hands.

  
You rub these and try not to think about how much faith he'd had in you.

  
What he looked like when that faith in you was gone.

  
"I thought...I thought he was wearing the anonymous colors because he was a lower spectrum rustblood. I thought he just didn't want to deal with the social hierarchy until he absolutely had to."

  
"Believe me, I wish that's what was going on here." Your words taste bitter on your tongue. "If Karkat was just some rustblood on the low end of the spectrum, none of this would have happened."

  
You're surprised to find that your words ring true.

  
If Karkat's blood had just been a shade darker, maroon instead of scarlet, then things would have been different.

  
He'd be on the spectrum, right next to Aradia. He'd be low, but he'd be on it. That was the important part.

  
If Karkat was a rustblood, then the culling order would have never been sent.

  
His lusus would have never been killed.

  
Terezi would have never been blinded.

  
Karkat would have never been adopted by Jack and Ms. Paint. He would have never joined the Midnight Crew, and consequently, he would have never met you.

  
Not like that, at least.

  
If Karkat had a place on the hemospectrum, then none of those bad things would have happened.

  
"But...why? Why now?" Dirk speaks up, breaking the silence you hadn't realized had fallen over you. "What happened that made him try to do it now?"

  
"His plan didn't...follow through like he thought it would, so he skipped ahead." You try to shrug nonchalantly, but your voice is too thin for the gesture to pass off as casual. "This was the second part."

  
You lapse into silence again.

  
Rose's hands unclench, and she crosses her arms over her chest. She's staring down at the table. "While I'm glad to hear that things didn't go according to plan for him, I'm still at a loss about what the initial plan was, and what could have possibly transpired this morning to keep you from going after him."

  
"I'm....getting there." You reply, moving away from the counter. The way you're leaning against it is beginning to make you uncomfortable.

  
This topic alone is uncomfortable enough.

  
"So, um.....Karkat's adopted-"

  
"Yes, I remember." Rose nods. "If I recall correctly, his mother's a nurse and his father- I'm sorry, legal guardian- works for the department of none of your business."

  
"Yeah," you continue, "what happened was his lusus, he....was killed by the culling drones. He was trying to protect Karkat, and he died. Karkat managed to escape, and he was taken in by Ms. Paint and..."

  
You swallow thickly. You can't believe you're going to tell them.

  
About what you've been doing.

  
About the Midnight Crew.

  
About Karkat.

  
"Dave, unless his legal guardian's name is really that important, I suggest you just skip it."

  
You're finally going to tell your family everything.

  
You're a lot less relieved than you thought you'd be.

  
"...and Jack Noir."

  
You're not looking at any of them. The air's so thick with tension that you're practically drowning in it.

  
"You were right to call those truth bombs." Roxy groans. "The weight of what you're dropping has me in an emotional daze. I mean, I'm.....I'm not sure how to react to any of this anymore."

  
"Jack Noir? The leader of the Midnight Crew? The man dad was commended for arresting? _That_ Jack Noir?"

  
You nod. There's a cold, acidic feeling spreading in the pit of your stomach and climbing up your throat. "That's the one."

  
"Dave," the tone of Dirk's voice demands your attention, "I think I speak for all of us when I ask you what the fuck were you thinking?"

  
"Dirk is right, that is a very accurate description of what was just on the tip of my tongue. Dave, what the fuck were you thinking? How long did you know that Karkat's father was a gang leader?" Rose's voice and questions also demand attention, but hers are more vexed and vehement.

  
You lick your lip and feel last night's wounds. Karkat bit you on the mouth last night. Honestly, you'd almost forgotten all about it until now. You'd been so distracted, first by how perfectly amazing and wonderful your morning was, and then by just how quickly that all turned to shit and hit the fan.

  
Earlier, it seemed like you could relive every warm, carefree moment with him just by meeting your lips with his.

  
Now all you have to remember him and last night by were some scabs forming on your lips and pin pricks on your hands.

  
"I knew the whole time." You admit. "I knew that Karkat was connected with the Midnight Crew. I also knew that dad was going undercover in the Crew. That's...why I became friends with him in the first place."

  
You take a seat at the table and swallow back the sharp, vile taste in your mouth. "I met Karkat at the police station. I was waiting for dad to get off a long shift, and he was posting bail for some Crew members-"

  
You sit there at your kitchen table, surrounded by your perturbed and absorbed family as you describe every detail of your journey down this fucked up rabbit hole.

  
You tell them all about the first time Karkat pestered you all the way to falling asleep with him wrapped in your arms last night.

  
You tell them everything can remember, save for some details that felt too personal to disclose.

  
"-that's when I realized he couldn't have been at Kanaya's, because Kanaya was out on a date with Rose. So I kicked my ass into high gear and went to Little Alternia to figure out what was going on. Once I...learned the truth about what he planned to do, I convinced him to come home with me instead. He spent the night and we talked and it was...you know, nice."

  
You shrug again and collapse into silence.

  
That's what it feels like, collapsing. You're completely drained both physically and emotionally.

  
Now would be a good time for that coffee.

  
It takes pretty much all your effort to twist around in your chair and look at your cup on the counter.

  
It's full to almost overflowing and cold by now.

  
Your cup says something generic about needing coffee to function in the morning. It was mildly humorous in the store, you guess.

  
Why couldn't Karkat have gotten _that_ cup?

  
Why did you have to go and deface that stupid #1 Dad cup all those years ago?

  
That cup had just slipped so easily out of his fingers and shattered on the ground. He was so shocked he didn't even seem to register it.

  
He'd stood there, feet soaking in coffee and four pairs of eyes turned on him, and he didn't even acknowledge it. That's how shocked he was.

  
You suddenly don't want your coffee anymore.

  
There's a soft scraping sound behind you, and you turn back around just in time to see Rose stand up and march towards her room. She comes out a few seconds later with her phone, typing furiously.

  
Shit, she's not...?

  
She wouldn't...?

  
Then again, what if she would?

  
What if she's pestering your dad?

  
What if she's doing that before going to the police with your story?

  
You don't think that's something she would do, but if there's anything you've learned from this is that you can't always trust what you think you know about people.

  
"Rose, stop." You rise to a stand, holding your hands out. "You shouldn't do this."

  
Rose tilts her head, eyes leaving her screen as she stops typing. "Why not, Dave? Do you really think Karkat's safe out there by himself right now? Is that something you honestly think?"

  
Your arms fall limply to your sides. "So you're not...going to the police with this? You're...not upset? About this?"

  
"Upset?" She scoffs. "Of course I'm upset! With you, mostly, and this situation you put yourself in. Dave, I'm not sure why you felt the need to lie and keep this a secret from us, we've always been supportive of each other. We could have helped you out with this.....whatever it was that you were doing. I don't know why you would think we wouldn't, but it happened and now I just have to live with being mad at you, I suppose. To answer your real question, am I upset with Karkat? Not really, no. Karkat didn't lie to me, and from what you said, it doesn't sound like he's done anything too terrible. He served drinks to some people at a casino. Some of those drinks contained sopor, yes, but adolescent trolls have been known to do that and much worse at high school parties. Did you want me to be upset about his so called 'plan'? A vaguely thought out idea conjured up by a guilt ridden kid who wanted closure over the death of a loved one? Might I remind you we had a very similar plan when we were younger. I'm not going to be upset with Karkat because he had a revenge fantasy, Dave. I'll admit, I'm not exactly happy to hear that he's a member of the Midnight Crew, and I'm even less happy to hear that he was raised by Jack Noir, but that's no more his fault than being raised by a cop is our fault. I'm not blaming Karkat for his upbringing."

  
She pushes past you and sits back down, still typing. Whatever message she's composing, it's a long one.

  
"So...what are you doing, then?" You ask as you awkwardly take back your seat.

  
"I'm pestering Kanaya. Karkat's out there, and I can't imagine how he must be feeling, especially considering how emotionally vulnerable he is right now. I don't think it's in his best interest to be by himself, and since he's clearly not going to accept help from any of us," she shoots you a glare, "I thought Kanaya would be the best option, being his moirail and all."

  
Kanaya.

  
Kanaya, right. Fuck.

  
You told Rose all about her involvement like it was nothing. Like it didn't matter.

  
You just told your sister that her sweet, loving girlfriend is a member of the Midnight Crew.

  
You nod. The acidic feeling in your stomach freezing into ice and leaving you feeling cold and strangely numb. "That sounds like a smart idea."

  
"It is." She presses a button and lays her phone down on the table. "Now we just have to wait for a response."

  
Rose folds her hands on the table and stares at her phone.

  
To your right, Roxy clears her throat. You turn your attention to her, because she's way less boring than staring at a table quietly for an unknown period of time.

  
Her knees are drawn up to her chest, bringing her cat slippers to the edge of the seat.

  
"So...that hacking job I did for you, that was about the revenge plan?"

  
You nod, wishing you'd left out that part. "Yeah, that's what it was for."

  
"And the information I found is what led to him.....skipping ahead?" She inquires tentatively.

  
You don't say anything. You don't like where this is going.

  
"And what happened this morning." She continues. "What I told him. That's why he ran out of here, right? Because he didn't know. So, technically, if he.....does anything, it's my fault, isn't it?"

  
You were right, you definitely didn't like where that was going.

  
"Roxy, no, of course it isn't." You insist, shaking your head. You place a hand on top of one of hers. "You didn't know."

  
"Yes, if this is anyone's fault, it's Dave's." Rose agrees. "That doesn't matter, though. Kanaya just replied. She's with Karkat right now, he should be fine."

  
"Jesus H.P. fucking Christ," Roxy sighs, her entire body relaxing in relief, "thank god."

  
You remove your hand from hers as she slowly stands, rubbing at her eyes with one hand. "I-I think I'm gonna go back to bed. This was all way too much for me, way too early. First things first, though, I'm gonna find Jaspers."

  
"Wait a sec, Rox," Dirk stands up, "I'll come with you."

  
Dirk and Roxy exit the kitchen, hand in hand again. You have a feeling it's not for the sake of picking up on their arm wrestling match.

  
That just leaves you alone with Rose.

  
You should apologize to her about ruining her relationship while you still can.

  
"Rose," you begin, already feeling like your apology is inadequate, "I'm sorry you had to find out about Kanaya like that. Are you okay?"

  
You'd reach out and touch her, but you don't think she'd accept it from you right now.

  
"I'm fine." She nods, looking at her hands. "Well, no, I'm not fine. I'm more...surprised, I think is the right word for how I feel right now."

  
"Surprised?" You repeat, confused.

  
"Yeah." There's a smile on her face, it's slight, but it's definitely there. "I was surprised by the fact that this new information changes nothing about how I felt- how I still feel- about Kanaya. Even knowing that Kanaya is in an organized crime syndicate like the Midnight Crew, I still.....I still love her, Dave."

  
She looks up at you, and there is this strange look of relief in her eyes that gets you. Like she wasn't certain just how deep her feelings ran until this moment. She's happy to know for sure, she's just sad it had to be like this.

  
"Of course, I don't expect you to fully understand what I mean, Dave, since you fell for Karkat after you already knew." She continues, her trademark smirk returning. There's a face you never thought you'd miss. "No, there's no question about how you feel about him, it's been clear since you started spending time together. Your feelings have been written all over your face for ages now. Honestly, based on the way that Karkat's looked at you before, I think he fell for you just as hard."

  
She stands up and starts to walk away, and you think that might be the end of the conversation before she continues, her back to you.

  
"The thing is, Dave, I'm really not sure if that's the case anymore. I'd love to tell you that you still have a chance with him, but I don't know if he'll be able to forgive you for this. I still love Kanaya, and I'm fairly certain that Kanaya is still going to love me after she finds out about dad, but neither of us entered into this relationship with the intent to deceive the other. You, on the other hand, you did this on purpose. I'm not saying you meant to hurt Karkat like this, I don't think there's anyone who knows you who would think you would. The sad fact is, though, you did. You did, and one of the consequences of that might be that he just...won't take you back."

  
"Thanks, Rose. That's exactly the pep talk I needed to hear right now." You say sarcastically. Your voice is shaky and your heart's not in it, which makes it less effective.

  
"I think it actually is." Rose looks at you over her shoulder, knowing smirk back in full force. "This is all just things I think you should keep in mind before you try to win him back."

  
You're not given time to retort before Rose leaves you to join in the search for the cat.

  
You dump your cup of coffee into the sink and then dump the rest of the pot since no one's drinking it. As you watch it splash down the drain, you wonder what exactly you can do to make things okay with Karkat again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Rose was the driving force in this chapter, so I hope she turned out okay or at least that some of her arguments made sense?
> 
> P.S. next chapter will be a Karkat chapter again, and then after that we'll be back on Dave unless the plan suddenly changes.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In order to make this chapter work out correctly, I had to change some things about how visiting actually works. It's mostly just the part about minors. I didn't realize you had to be accompanied by an adult if you're a minor, although I guess in retrospect that makes sense...  
> A lot of this chapter is Jack and Karkat talking, but I think this is the most they've ever conversed in this fic, so it was kinda hard to write.

No surprise to anyone at all, Kanaya made you a sweater for 12th Perigee. What did come as a lucky surprise was that she'd also bought you pants, which you'd definitely needed.

  
The clothes came with very detailed instructions about wear, like you could wear the pants with anything you wanted, but you weren't allowed to wear the sweater with a different pair of pants. Also, the note continued, you needed to get new shoes. Your current shoes might make you about an inch taller, but they were ugly as hell and weren't fooling anyone. You should just own being short and get some nice flats or something.

  
It was all very specific.

  
"Kanaya," you'd laughed, handing the note back to her as you descended the stairs in her hive and met her back at the door, "what the fuck is with this? You're willing to get me an entire outfit, but you draw the line at shoes?"

  
"No," she'd answered, looking sheepishly down at her own shoes, "Ms. Paint wouldn't tell me your shoe size. Your mother drew the line at shoes."

  
She looked you up and down then, nodding in self satisfaction. "You look good."

  
"You did a good job," you'd acknowledged, "was there anything you still wanted to do, or should we go now?"

  
"No, we can go now." She'd opened the door and let you out first. "If you're really sure you want to do this."

  
"Oh, I'm sure."

 

You weren't sure.

  
You'd thought you were certain about your decision right up until the moment you actually saw the local jail looming ahead. You try to physically swallow your rising nerves only to have them come back up in a dry heave.

  
You try to disguise it with a discretionary cough and sneak a glance at Kanaya. You don't think she noticed, too distracted by her search for a parking spot. You can already feel the guilt manifesting in the pit of your stomach at the thought of admitting to Kanaya that you really weren't sure after all. You sort of just wanted to go back to her hive, watch a movie, eat a pint of ice cream, and cuddle.

  
You haven't figured out exactly how to tell her that this trip was a waste of gas when she finally parks the car.

  
She unbuckles her seatbelt, waiting for you to do the same before opening the car door. You do nothing.

  
"Karkat?"

  
Your dad's in there.

  
You swallow thickly. Fuck, why are you so nervous about this?

  
"Karkat, are you alright?" Kanaya touches your shoulder, and you slump low in your seat, the belt digging into your cheek awkwardly.

  
"I think I'm going to take that nap now." You mumble as you recline the seat back.

  
You turn your head so you're not looking at Kanaya, but you can still see her out of the corner of your eye. You squeeze them shut and pretend to sleep.

  
"Karkat," she chides softly, poking you in the shoulder, "come on, you're not sleeping. Let's go."

  
You hunker down into your seat and keep your eyes closed tight, more out of sheer stubbornness than an interest in a believable performance.

  
"Karkat, you said you wanted to see Jack. We're here now, let's go inside. Don't you want to see him still?"

  
You do. You really, really do.

  
You're also really freaked out about it.

  
What if he doesn't want to see you?

  
What if he blames you?

  
What if-

  
What if he hates you?

  
You're almost certain he does. There's no way he doesn't after what you did. You know this. You just don't know if you can handle hearing that on top of everything else right now.

  
The seat's pretty much completely horizontal at this point, and you lay there curled up in a ball on your side.

  
You want to see him.

  
There's just no way he'll want to see you.

  
You shouldn't have come here after all.

  
Kanaya shifts closer, and the buckle on your seatbelt is unfastened.

  
"If you're going to pretend to sleep, can you please at least lay in a position comfortable enough for sleeping in? You're practically tangled up in this seatbelt."

  
You don't respond at all, knowing you're acting extremely wrigglerish and that it's unfair to Kanaya. You threw such a fuss about coming over here, though. Kanaya asked you several times if you were okay, if you were sure. You said you were, over and over again, you said you were. You'd really, honestly, truly thought that you were okay with this, that you were totally ready for anything.

  
Now you're sitting here in Kanaya's car, being a total wishy-washy shit flavored douche bagel about it.

  
"I know it's been an....intense few days for you so far, and I know you're more than a little anxious to see Jack after such a long time apart. It's fine if you need to take a moment to prepare yourself, I'm even okay with you keeping up this ridiculous sleeping facade if that's what you want to do. Take as much time as you need, I've got all night."

  
Kanaya's hand finds your back, and you can feel the pressure of her weight as she leans against you momentarily. You crack open one eye curiously and watch her open the glove compartment. There's a lot of junk in there, but unlike the glove compartment in your car (filled with extra knives, tapes, and some loose change) this one has actual useful shit in it that aren't weapons.

  
She reaches into the glove compartment and pulls out a book. The thing's on the bigger side of average, and based on the cover art you're guessing it's a rainbow drinker book (no surprise there) set in a very distant time period.

  
Kanaya sits back and opens it up to the first page. She really does have all night.

  
You're laying here and watching her read for a few minutes, all the while turning over your current predicament in your head.

  
Jack has every right to be pissed at you. If anyone else had gotten arrested, yourself for example, then everything would be fine. With you out of the picture, the Crew would be functioning just fine. Pretty much the same, actually. They would just need to find a new venue for the casino and get in touch with some of your contacts on the troll side of operations. Nothing too difficult.

  
With Jack gone, though, everything is shit. A lot of operations, big, important operations that you know pretty much nothing about, had fallen flat. Members were leaving faster than you could yell at them not to fuck off. Plus, the police are on your ass.

  
The police are on your ass, much closer than you thought.

  
On top of the entire behemoth leaving of a situation is the fight over who's the new king of shit mountain.

  
Or, in laymen's terms, who the fuck's the new head of the Midnight Crew.

  
Okay, it was mostly just you and Droog fighting over the rancid fart nugget that the Midnight Crew's becoming. That sort of surprised you, because he seems mildly disinterested in the position. He seems mildly disinterested about everything, really.

  
As Jack's heir, the position of head fell on to you. You're more than mildly disinterested, though. It's one thing to lead an adolescent division of a gang, becoming the leader of an entire illegal organization is a different game altogether. You have no idea what you're doing, and you'll gladly pass off the leader ball to anyone who knows more about how to run things better than you currently do. It's not like you ever wanted this position in the first place. Fuck, you don't even like-

  
You don't even-

  
Shit. What kind of epiphany is this?

  
What sort of fucked up revelations pick the _literally most inconvenient time_ to come to light?

  
You don't-

  
You don't even like the Midnight Crew.

  
But, so what? What the fuck does that change? It's not like you can just leave.

  
_Can_ you just leave?

  
You'd honestly never thought about it before. Is leaving an option?

  
It doesn't matter. Even if you do want to leave the Crew, even if you can leave the Crew, you can't do that right now. You have a job to do. You have unfinished business to take care of. You did so much damage, and now you have to fix it.

  
You have a casino to avenge. That didn't stop being a thing.

  
No, you won't leave the Crew, you'll stick around long enough to fix your mistakes even if it takes you twenty sweeps. As soon as that's over with, though, you're done. You're quitting.

  
You just have to break it to Jack.

  
Which means you'll have to _talk_ to Jack.

  
It's a good thing you're already here, then.

  
You sit up and continue to watch Kanaya as she checks the page number and closes her book.

  
"Are you ready to go in, then?" She asks patiently. She's completely willing to give you even more time if you need it.

  
Fuck, she's fantastic.

  
"No," you shake your head, "but I'm gonna do it, anyway."

  
Kanaya smiles. "I suppose that's better than nothing. Let's go."

  
You both get out of the car and step into the biting afternoon chill. The sun is high in the sky, but it's not emitting any warmth. All it's doing is stinging your eyes and making you squint as the rays refract off the snow.

  
A breeze hits you and you shiver at the contact. You'd returned Kanaya's coat earlier, assuming you wouldn't be outside long enough to warrant keeping it.

  
Kanaya hands you a glove. She doesn't offer it, she just gives it to you. Declining apparently isn't an option. You start putting it on.

  
"No," she says, making you pause abruptly with the glove half on, "your other hand."

  
"Why the hell does that matter?"

  
"Just do it, please."

  
"Fine." You shrug, putting the glove on your other hand. You wave the newly gloved hand around, showing her you did what she asked. "Happy now?"

  
Kanaya's still gloved hand meets your bare one, holding it and protecting it from the cold. "Yes."

  
"What about your other hand?" You indicate her own bare fingers.

  
"This one?" She asks, wiggling her fingers.

  
"Yeah, that one."

  
"I had an idea that I thought just might work." Kanaya says seriously. "Observe."

  
She shoves her hand into her coat pocket. "Well what do you know, it does work."

  
You smile and shake your head at her. "You're so weird, Kanaya."

  
"I think you and Rose are the only people who know that."

  
"Well, I'm honored."

  
"As you should be." She nods. "Weren't we going somewhere?"

  
"You know, now that you mention it, I think we were."

  
The both of you trudge across the parking lot carefully to avoid slipping on patches of ice and to keep in step withh one another. It was a longer tread than you thought it would be, or maybe it wasn't, and time was just moving slower for you right now because despite the fact that you wanted to do this, that you really, really, _really_ wanted to do this, most of you was still uncertain.

  
Then again, you did park pretty far away. Time is moving at a relatively normal speed, and you're walking slow. That's probably it.

  
You both get inside the station, it's dull looking and beige. You'd expected as much. Kanaya drops your hand as you cross further away from the door and into the station. You're already beginning to miss the contact.

  
You find an officer and ask about Jack, knowing for a fact that it's the beginning of visiting hours thanks to the schedule your mom has attached to the nutrition hull at your hive. The officer asks for your name, which you offer without hesitation. The officer tells you to wait where you were for a minute. You assume they're doing a background check or something, which makes you anxious even though you've never been arrested yourself. You return Kanaya's glove while you have nothing better to do than stand around and be nervous.

  
The officer eventually returns and tells you to follow. After a reassuring nod from Kanaya, you leave here there and do just that.

  
The room you're taken to is one you recognize from countless movies and television programs that were out to accomplish the same thing you were out to accomplish today. It looks like it's filled with two rows of cubicles, the wall dividing one row from the other replaced with a sheet of glass. There's a phone connected to the wall of each cubicle. You're directed to take a seat and wait while the officer fades into the background.

  
After less than a minute of you sitting here and wondering if it's too late for you to run because you're not sure if you can deal with it after all, Jack is escorted out.

  
It's when you finally lay your bulbs on him that you know for sure you've made the right decision. Your bloodpusher is thumping so hard in your chest that it hurts.

  
God, you'd missed him so much.

  
Jack sits down in front of you, and your vision is filled with his familiar glower and unfamiliar prison orange. It's a strange mix of comforting and distressing.

  
You pick up the phone and motion for Jack to do the same, even though you have no idea what you're going to say or what you're going to hear on the other end.

  
Your tongue feels thick and clumsy in your mouth as you try to figure out what to say, at least to start this visit off.

  
What the fuck are you supposed to say? You've never had much of an issue talking before, but now? Now you're lost.

  
"Did you come here to talk or to fucking stare, asshole?" He sneers at you. It's just like normal. "Well?"

  
You don't even think about it before you respond. "That jumpsuit makes you look like a pumpkin."

  
That was definitely what you wanted to start this off with.

  
Jack squints at you. "Have you been hanging out with Kanaya?"

  
"Yeah, she came with me. Why?"

  
"You only have opinions about clothes and shit after hanging out with her."

  
Huh. If that were true, you'd never noticed. "Did you want to talk to her? I could get her if you want."

  
Jack shakes his head. "Fuck no, talking to one kid is enough for me."

  
"Okay."

  
You don't want to dive headfirst immediately into the heavy shit, like your apology and your newfound plans for leaving the Crew and Jack's subsequent beratement towards you. Now that you're here and doing it, you want to prolong it as long as possible. You're not sure what else to talk about, though.

  
"Are you...okay? Here?" You ask softly into the phone, painfully aware of the police officers present.

  
"I'm fine. I'm bored as shit all the time, but I'm fine. I get three square meals and a cell all to myself. This place is a fucking luxury spa treatment compared to the hell I was expecting." He scoffs. "What about you? You okay, kid?"

  
Why does everyone keep asking you that?

  
"I'm okay." You answer, bewildered. "Why wouldn't I be okay? I'm not the one in here."

  
"Your mom's pretty damn worried about you. Now that I've actually gotten a good look at you, I understand why. You look like shit."

  
You sort of feel like shit. "You and mom were talking about me?"

  
"She comes by almost every day, we ran out of shit to talk about pretty quick. Naturally, we started talking about you."

  
"Naturally," you roll your eyes, "so what did you talk about specifically?"

  
"She said you haven't been eating or sleeping right since this shit all went down and you took over."

  
So she noticed? You'd tried so hard not to be super fucking obvious about how you felt because you didn't want her to worry. Apparently all of your attempted concealment had been worthless. If anything, you made her worry more than she needed to.

  
Well, now you definitely feel like shit.

  
"Are you sure you're alright?"

  
You nod. "I'm fine. Completely fine. I'm just-"

  
"Just? Come on, kid, spit it out. What the fuck's your problem?"

  
He sounds hostile, but you know he's just concerned. Not about you, obviously, about what you've been doing to your mom. "I'm sorry."

  
"You're sorry? What the hell do you have to be sorry about?"

  
"This." You gesture around. "If it weren't for me, you would have been able to leave faster, and maybe...maybe you wouldn't have been caught. Maybe you wouldn't be in here. I-I'm sorry, this really shouldn't have happened. I'm so, so sorry."

  
You're staring at your lap by the end of your rush job of an apology. You don't think you could stand to look him in the eye right now.

  
Everything is quiet for a minute, and you wonder if you should leave before he doesn't accept your apology and tells you to fuck off. Yeah, leaving feels like a good idea at this point. You should go. "Kid," Jack grumbles, "don't be a fucking idiot. The raid happened suddenly and the cops were closer than any of us thought they were to catching any of us. This wasn't anyone's fault. Honestly, I'm just glad you got out of there safe."

  
Your gaze snaps back up to his, it's the most earnest you've ever seen him look. Your blood pusher's constricting in your chest. It stings.

  
"Um...."

  
How the hell are you supposed to respond to that?

  
"Thanks."

  
You don't know what else to say. Jack doesn't say anything, either, he's at as much of a loss as you are.

  
"Do you-" you clear your throat, wishing this had a better answer than what you're guessing you're going to get, "do you know how long you'll....be in here for?"

  
"Roughly." He nods. "The sentence they stuck me with right now has me in here for about..." he takes a moment to recall, you're guessing he's been talked to about this so many times regarding deals and threats and shit that he doesn't fully remember the exact number anymore , "ten years, minimum. It could be longer if they manage to find anything else to charge me with."

  
Ten years?

  
Ten years?

  
Ten fucking _years?_

  
"You'll be in here for ten years?" You repeat, incredulous.

  
That's such a long time. That's about...that's about as long as you've known him.

  
A lot can happen in ten years.

  
You feel dizzy.

  
"But what about-" you hear yourself thinking out loud before you can stop yourself, "what about my wriggling day? I'm turning eight this year."

  
It's a stupid thing to worry about, you know it is, and you feel stupid and immature just bringing it up. The thought of spending your wriggling day, your next _five_ wriggling days, without him pains you with a downheartedness so intense that it almost physically hurts.

  
You're going to be an adult by the time he gets out.

  
"Or my graduation?" You continue on unabated. "You're not going to see me graduate?"

  
"With your grades, I'm not sure if that'll be much of a fucking issue." Jack comments snidely.

  
"Fuck you, my grades are fine!" You snap back at him.

  
"I wouldn't call a C- in science fine." He retorts.

  
"A C- is a perfectly respectable grade!" You argue. "You know I've never been good at science. Plus, physics is really fucking hard!"

  
"Or maybe you just can't understand it because you have complete shit for brains."

  
You understand what he's doing. Jack's trying to get an emotional rise out of you to distract you from the time thing. You were thinking about it too much and getting yourself upset. You really appreciate him helping you redirect your emotional outburst into angry yelling like this.

  
"Well, since you obviously understand physics so perfectly, why don't you tutor me, then? Let's take this outside and you can help me calculate the average velocity of my fist connecting with your messed up face." You're standing by the end of it, bristling with anger and challenge.

  
"As much as I'd love to teach you a lesson," he snarls, "I can't do a fucking thing with this glass in the way."

  
You were so caught up in the moment that you'd almost forgot about the glass.

  
You bang your fist against the glass. "Right."

  
"Don't beat on the glass." Says the officer in your corner. You'd almost forgotten about them, too.

  
You nod apologetically as you sit down. "Okay."

  
Forcing yourself to calm down only leads you back to thinking about all the things that could happen while Jack's incarcerated that he won't be a part of. That argument wasn't enough to close the floodgates.  
You'll be about thirteen sweeps when he finally gets out. You'd have already moved out, started a career, maybe even started a family.

  
"You might not be there when I get married." This realization hits you harder than the other two. You hadn't thought much about your future wedding, partially because you'd never thought you'd be around long enough to have a wedding in the first place. When you did imagine it, the details never stayed the same, but your family was always there.

  
They were always there, every time.

  
Now that wasn't much of an option.

  
"Why the fuck are you thinking about that?" Jack squints at you suspiciously. "Did someone propose to you? I've told you a thousand times-"

  
"I'm not allowed to get married until all the cells in my puckered asshole of a pan are done developing and I can fully understand the consequences of my shitty decisions, I know. I didn't mean I was getting married right fucking now, you idiot."

  
Jack looks at you, still unconvinced. "You didn't say if anyone proposed. Kid, did someone propose to you?"

  
"No, no one fucking proposed to me! I'm seven and a half sweeps old, in what situation would that happen?"

  
He looks you up and down carefully. "Are you pregnant?"

  
"Holy shit, there are so many things wrong with that question that I don't know where to begin." You groan as you run your hand through your hair. "Okay, first of all, trolls aren't even physically capable of incubating in our own bodies, that's why we have that Mother Grub you've heard so much about. Secondly, even if we fucking _could_ do that, _I'm male._ I don't know if you ever took a fucking course on basic sex ed, but that means that even if that were a thing my species was capable of doing, I still wouldn't be capable of doing it because _I still wouldn't have a fucking womb._ "

  
"You're an alien, I don't know how your species works!"

  
"It's been ten years! You never bothered doing any research?"

  
"I didn't think I would have to until you got your dumb ass pregnant."

  
"For the love of fuck, I'm not pregnant!" You're practically yelling again at this point, aggravated beyond belief at this situation.

  
Behind you you can hear snickering. The fucking cops are actually laughing at you. You can feel the blood rushing to your face as you bite your tongue to keep from yelling at them. You don't want to get yourself into any trouble right now.

  
"What about..." you lower your voice so they can't hear you over their own laughter, "what about the Crew? What are we supposed to do now? We're lost without you, dad."

  
Oh...

  
Shit.

  
Before you could do anything about it, your tongue slipped. You can only hope he didn't catch it.

  
He almost looks smug. "When did you start calling me dad?"

  
Fuck.

  
You can feel your face heating up again as you go back to staring at your lap. Your free hand is fussing with the hem of your sweater. "I-I guess around the time you were gone and I...I realized how much I missed you?"

  
You phrase it as if it's a question like you need his approval for your reasoning. In a way, you feel like you do. A long time ago, Jack told you you didn't have to call him dad if you didn't want to, you never once bothered to find out if he actually wanted you to call him that.

  
If he told you not to call him that again, you probably wouldn't blame him.

  
"The Crew should be fine." Jack answers your earlier question while evading the one you just silently posed with a level of tact you didn't know he possessed. "Droog's got a good head on his shoulders, he knows what he's doing. He's wanted my job for awhile now, actually. Thinks he's more capable or some shit. I guess now we'll find out for sure if he's really hot shit or if he's just full of it. Since you bring it up, I had something else I wanted to talk to you about. I've been thinking about it since the raid." Jack takes a deep breath and stares directly into your eye so you can tell just how serious he is about what he's going to say. "I want you to quit the Crew."

  
You misheard, you must have misheard. "What?"

  
"I want you to quit the Midnight Crew."

  
You think your bloodpusher just stopped working.

  
"So you do blame me for what happened." That made sense. Him not blaming you sounded too good to be true.

  
"That again? No, I don't. Kid, that is seriously one of the stupidest things you've ever said."

  
"Really? Then what the fuck's your reasoning? What brought this on all of a sudden?" You demand. "Why do you want me to quit?"

  
"Listen," he sighs, "I'm going to be completely honest with you, I never wanted you in the Crew in the first place."

  
That's....not what you'd expected.

  
You're more hurt by that one comment than you'd like to admit.

  
"Hey, come on, don't look at me like that! You were literally fucking twelve when you joined, of course I didn't want you in there. I figured you'd only last about a week and you'd be with me the whole time, so I said it was fine. A week turned into two, and then a month, and then three, and before I knew it you'd already been in for over a year. The worst part of it was that you actually seemed good at it. You brought in people with skillsets we would need and expanded our demographic to include trolls from all over the hemospectrum. You were a natural leader. You had good ideas. You were responsible, and you took pride in what you did, I could tell. All of that made me forget how young you are, and how dangerous this job really is. Then all of this shit happened and my eyes were opened. Eye, if we're being literal. I haven't been able to use the one eye since the Crew and I got into a mob fight with the Felt right before I met your mother."

  
He shakes his head. "That's not important, you already know that. Anyway, while I was getting arrested, I thought a lot about how worried I was about you getting caught and how relieved I felt when I found out you were okay. I don't know what I would have done if you had gotten caught, I'd probably try to break you out or something. I don't ever want to be in the position where I have to think about that ever again. Your safety's more important than anything you could bring to the Crew. That's why I want you to quit, son."

  
You take a minute to process all of this information, and there are only two parts that stick out to you.

  
He never wanted you to be in the Midnight Crew in the first place.

  
You'd thought that's what he wanted. You joined the Crew to show him that you would do anything he needed you to do. You wanted to show him how much you appreciated being taken in, and since Jack wasn't much of an affectionate guy, you figured the best way to show it was through taking interest in his work.

  
More importantly-

  
"You just called me 'son'." You say, feeling stupid about that being the first part of that long and weirdly heartfelt explanation that you address. "You've never called me that before."

  
You didn't know you wanted that until he said it. Now that he has you feel lighter, like some invisible thing that was dragging you down was destroyed and you're finally free of it for the first time in years. "I figured if you're going to be calling me dad from now on, I better get used to referring to you as my son." He shrugs.

  
"That makes sense."

  
There's an incredibly vibrant warmth spreading throughout your body like your bloodstream. It's a sweet relief you hadn't expected when you came.

  
You feel so accepted.

  
"I was actually already thinking about quitting." You admit. "But I'm not sure what I would do with myself after that."

  
"You're a kid, you don't have to do anything. You can just have free time." Jack replies. "Maybe get your physics up to a passing grade."

  
"C- is passing!"

  
"You could do better." He continues before you can respond. "If you really want something to do, you could join a club or something. Wasn't there an activist group you were interested in awhile back?"

  
Right, you'd fought pretty hard to get the KOB under the Midnight Crew's protection at one point when they were a small time organization performing small scale peaceful protests. They'd grown a lot since then.

  
"I'll think about it."

  
"Well, whatever the fuck you decide to do, make sure you like it. You're a good, smart kid, I'd hate to see you waste your life making yourself miserable."

  
You nod. "That's good advice. Hey, dad?"

  
The word feels awkward and foreign on your tongue now that you're saying it deliberately. You guess you'll get used to it the more you say it.

  
You wonder how weird this next sentence is going to feel.

  
"Yeah, son?"

  
"I..." Here you go, taking the plunge. "I love you."

  
You don't look away this time. No, this time you want to see his reaction.

  
His face goes completely blank for a second before he glances around at the officers in the room who you, again, pretty much completely forgot about. They don't seem to be paying attention to your conversation. At the very least, they're pretending they're not.

  
"I love you, too."

  
Fuck, and you thought being called son was good. You're in such a state of excited contentment that you're practically overflowing with it.

  
Part of you wants to snuggle in a blanket that's just as warm and fuzzy as you feel inside and sit around and think about this for the rest of forever. A different part of you wants to run around and go tell Kanaya what just happened and then never sit still for the rest of your life.

  
A third part of you, the more dominant part, wishes you'd waited until after you'd said good bye for all the emotional crap.

  
You're pretty sure Jack feels the same.

  
Jack clears his throat. "This conversation doesn't leave this room, okay?"

  
"Oh, definitely, it's staying right here." You agree immediately. A lot of this was too awkward and emotional for you to even want to talk about. "I mean, I might tell Kanaya, though."

  
"Yeah, I expected as much. Sure, tell Kanaya."

  
"Speaking of which," you stand up, "I should probably go. I've kept her waiting long enough."

  
Jack nods. "Be good. Don't do anything I would do. Understood?"

  
"Understood."

  
"I'll see you again soon?"

  
"Yeah." You reply. There's no way you're not coming back. "Soon."

  
You put the phone down and wave good bye to him as you leave. There's a lot of shit that's going to happen in the next ten years or so, so you're going to have to come by and visit pretty often to make sure Jack doesn't miss anything.

  
Before any of that happens, you have one thing to do.

  
You have to quit the Midnight Crew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter took me an eternity to write, so I really hope it didn't feel like an eternity to read.  
> There were also parts that were really fun to write, and those parts I hope were still fun to read.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave tries to be romantic and ends up having an unexpected chat with Ms. Paint instead.  
> That's the whole chapter.

This stopped being a good idea the moment you climbed onto the roof of your car.

  
If you were being completely honest with yourself, this wasn't a good idea at all to begin with. It was literally the third or fourth idea you'd had, it was bound to be shitty. That was the thing with brainstorming, you had to wade through a literal shitstorm for a nugget of gold.

  
You weren't the waiting kind of guy, though, and this definitely didn't feel like a waiting kind of situation. So when this idea, still shitty, but a well formed, solid kind of shitty, splattered smack into your lap, you grabbed that turd and ran with it.

  
At that moment, it didn't even matter that you didn't have all of the details worked out yet. What mattered was that you had a plan.

  
Do you own a boom box? No.

  
Do you own any CDs with romantic songs on them? No.

  
Were you doing this anyway? Yes.

  
Honestly, you've never even seen Say Anything. You just know that one iconic scene. You're betting Karkat's seen it, though, probably at least a dozen times. He's such a dork.

  
That means he's either going to hate it, or he's going to love it.

  
Okay, there's no question about it, he's going to fucking hate it because it's literally been a day and you're going to show up at his house with a big boom box blasting love songs at his fucking window in the middle of the day. It's probably going to look like you were trying to be ironic or something as opposed to the thoughtful gesture you meant it to be.

  
Alright, let's be honest, thoughtless gesture. It's still a heartfelt attempt, though, and no one can take that away from you.

  
You'd sifted through junk at your local pawnshop for a good twenty minutes before leaving disappointed and boom box-less. You're not gonna let something like that stop you from going ahead with your plan, though.

  
Fuck no, Dave Strider's not gonna give up so easily. No, he's gonna nut the fuck up and improvise the shit out of this already poorly constructed plan.

  
You picked a song you'd vaguely recognized out of Google's endless repertoire before cruising over to Karkat's.

  
So far, this still seemed like a good idea. It continued to feel like a good idea until you realized you actually had no idea how that scene from the movie played out.

  
You know the guy held a boom box over his head, but that's about it. Did he throw rocks at the window to get the girl's attention, or did he just start playing music as loud as he could? Did he ask her to take him back when he was done? Was there a whole romantic speech he didn't know about that was going to ruin this for him?

  
Maybe you should have watched that part of the movie before you tried to imitate it.

  
You weren't really thinking about this until you were climbing onto the roof of your car, your phone and plug-in mini speaker keeping your hands full and making things way more difficult than they had to be.  
You manage to stand and keep your balance somehow, even though the roof is slightly icier than expected.

  
This brings you back to your present regret. This is not a good idea, it's the opposite of a good idea. This plan is pure shit.

  
Of course, you already knew that, and that hadn't stopped you. Why should it now, when you're already here?

  
You swallow back all the doubt you have about this plan (because really, what can you do at this point?) and press play.

  
You feel more embarrassed every minute that goes by in the blare of this love song without even so much as a stirring inside the house. Eventually, your five minutes are finally up, and everything is as quiet as a winter Monday should be. You're standing on the roof of your car still, hot faced and uncertain of what to do next. You'd expected something to happen.

  
You thought Karkat might poke his head out of a window and tell you to fuck off.

  
You thought he might burst out the front door, throwing things and screaming at you to just leave him alone and never come back, to say that he hated you.

  
You thought you might even receive a quick message from him over pesterchum asking you to go away because he couldn't stand to look at you.

  
You anticipated every single reaction you could think of.

  
What you didn't anticipate was nothing. You weren't prepared for nothing.

  
What the fuck are you supposed to do now?

  
Should you try again? Start another song? That could take awhile, you don’t know any off the top of your head.

  
Depending on how long finding another one takes you, the time for this may have passed. Types of gestures like this only worked on a combination of surprise and spontaneity. By the time you find another, even semi-fitting song, you’ll be lucky if you come off as just awkward.

  
Maybe you should just leave. Karkat clearly wants nothing to do with you. He didn’t even come out to see what the noise was, or to make fun of you for being an idiot.

  
Yeah, leaving seems like it’s definitely the best idea right now.

  
You’re about to do just that when one of the windows is thrown open above you. You look up, hope tentatively renewed at the thought of seeing Karkat again, leaning out the window and glaring down at where you’re standing.

  
That small tendril of hope flickers out once you realize it’s not Karkat standing there. It’s Ms. Paint.

  
“Karkat’s not home!” She shouts down to you.

  
“Is he ever home?” You shout back, agitated. All of this work, and you didn’t even have Karkat’s rage filling your ears to show for it.

  
“He’s at Kanaya’s.”

  
Your head is floating in a strange wave of deja vu. You’re racking your brain for any information about what your sister is doing today. Was she on a date with Kanaya right now?

  
No, you think with relief, no she’s not.

  
“Don’t worry, I confirmed with Kanaya this time.” Ms. Paint continues. “He’s definitely with her.”

  
She must have noticed the panicked look on your face when she’d said that.

  
But, it occurs to you, the only way she could know how to interpret that look would be if she knew about what happened the other day.

  
“Okay, thanks.” You yell to her. “That would have been nice to know about five minutes ago.”

  
“I would have told you, but I didn’t want to interrupt you.” She shrugs. “I also wanted to see how long you were willing to keep this up for.”

  
You don’t bother to tell her that you’d planned on staying longer, you just didn’t know any other love songs. That’s not anything she needs to know.

  
“Well, thanks again.” You say instead as you hop off the car. “Would you mind telling Karkat I was here? Or actually,” you reconsider, “don’t tell him. This was fucking awful.”

  
“It wasn’t that bad,” Ms. Paint disagrees, “it was very sweet."

  
"I don't know, I kind of fucked up the whole reference I was trying to do."

  
"Well, either way, I’m sure Karkat would have loved it. If not for the accuracy, then at least for the attempt.”

  
“Yeah,” you nod, “me too. On second thought, you should tell him I stopped by. And make sure you describe what I was doing as “moving” and “sweet” while you’re at it.”

  
“Okay, I'll think about it. Dave?”

  
“Yeah?” You put your phone in your pocket and turn back to Ms. Paint. You’re ready to just go home already and think of another, better plan.

  
“Why don’t you come inside? It looks awfully cold out there, I could put on a pot of coffee, or maybe tea if you prefer.”

  
Now that she mentions it, your hands are stinging with cold. “Coffee sounds great, thanks.”

  
You leave your car and trudge over to the house while Ms. Paint slams the window closed. You find that the front door is locked, and that it doesn’t just magically open whenever you jiggle the knob. You have to wait for Ms. Paint to open the door for you and then usher you inside. The house is a lot warmer than it is outside, which is something you really appreciate right now.

  
You take a seat at the kitchen table and watch Ms. Paint scoop grounds into a filter.

  
“Thanks.” Your voice sounds a bit different now that you’re not yelling back and forth anymore. A bit scratchy and much quieter.

  
"It's no trouble." She says, joining you at the table as the coffeemaker percolates to life. "Actually, I should be thanking you."

  
"Thanking me?" You look at her, perplexed. "For what?"

  
"You know for what." She answers quietly. The way she's looking at you concludes what you already believed. She knows. You don't know exactly how much she knows, though.

  
What are you supposed to say? "Oh, um, it was...it was nothing."

  
"It wasn't nothing, and you know it." Ms. Paint disagrees.

  
"Okay yeah, you're right. It wasn't nothing. It was just...something I felt like I needed to do."

  
"Well, thank you. For doing what you needed to do. I don't know how to repay you for that."

  
"You don't have to." You shake your head. "It's fine."

  
"Let me at least get your coffee for you."

  
"Sure, if you want to." You shrug.

  
Ms. Paint rises to a stand, and it's then you notice that she's wearing scrubs. They're a bit disheveled. You can't tell if she just got back from a shift at the hospital or if she slept in them.

  
"Cream? Sugar? Or do you take it black?"

  
"Regular should be good."

  
She returns with two steaming mugs and sits back down next to you, sliding your cup over. You nod your thanks and take a drink.

  
You try your best not to gag.

  
It tastes like burning discharge. The acridity sears in the back of your throat. Honestly, it's just god awful.

  
It's not like you can say anything about it, though. That would be so fucking rude of you, especially after the awkward amount of appreciation she just gave you.

  
Ms. Paint takes a sip of her own coffee and shudders. "Karkat was right, this tastes terrible."

  
"You gave me shitty coffee on purpose?" You feel so hurt. Mostly you're just confused. "Why?"

  
She takes another sip. "You did more than save my son's life, Dave. A lot of what you did wasn't very good."

  
Your heart sinks. "Listen, I can explain. I didn't mean-"

  
She raises a hand. "It's okay. Kanaya vouched for you. She said you were pretty much harmless. That doesn't make me any happier about what you did."

  
You nod. "I don't really expect you to. So you don't blame me for...what happened? With the raid and all?"

  
"No. I don't think you were involved in that at all. You seemed just as surprised about what happened as Karkat and Kanaya were." She takes another sip and sticks her tongue out at it. "I don't think you knew anything about the raid. Your only connection at all with what happened is that your dad's a cop. You weren't working with the police, you were just looking out for your dad, right?"

  
"Right. Listen, about that, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to go on as long as it did, and I definitely, definitely didn't mean to hurt anyone. I know it doesn't sound true now, but I did plan on coming clean eventually. I wanted to tell him, it was just never the right time. I know that an apology isn't enough to fix anything, but that's all I have right now. Well, that and whatever the fuck that was I was trying to do outside earlier."

  
"You're right." She agrees. "An apology won't be enough. As for whatever you were trying to do outside, at least you're trying the best that you can to make it up to Karkat. That is what you're trying to do, right, Dave?"

  
It's really weird talking about this with his mom, especially since she's being so candid about it. "Yeah, that's essentially what I'm trying to do. I just...want to make things up to him, you know?"

  
You take another gulp so you don't have to awkwardly look at her while your face burns a shade darker.

  
"You could always try a different approach." She suggests. "You could maybe give him something of sentimental value? Something personal. That might work better than what you tried earlier, I think."

  
You nod. "Thanks, Ms. Paint. I have to ask, though, I thought you were mad at me?"

  
"Oh, I am. I'm more mad about what you didn't do than anything you did. Now I don't know for sure if you really were ever going to tell him, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt based on judgement of character."

  
"But we've only met once or twice before this?"

  
"You're right. A lot of what I'm basing this on is from my discussions with Karkat. He seemed to really trust you before all of this happened. As for why I'm offering you advice, well, far be it from me to keep you from giving a proper apology."

  
You push your coffee away from you as you rise to a stand. "In that case, I should probably be heading out. I have some more planning to do if I'm going to do this right."

  
"I'm glad to hear that, Dave." She smiles sweetly. "But before you go, I just have one thing I want you to do."

  
You have nothing but bad vibes about this, but you stand patiently and wait for her request, anyway.

  
She puts the cup of coffee back in your hands. "Drink all of this, okay?"

  
Just inhaling the scent of it makes your skin crawl. "Ms. Paint, I think I misjudged you."

  
"How so?" She asks, still smiling.

  
"I thought you were such a nice lady before," you say between choked gulps of terrible lukewarm coffee, "now I see you have a mean streak."

  
"I wouldn't be able to handle being a gangster's wife without one." She laughs with a shrug, apparently not the least bit offended.

  
"I'm sorry about what happened to Jack." You try not to gag while you hand the cup back to her. "Do you have any idea how long he's in for?"

  
"The current verdict is ten years, I think." She replies quietly, disposing the dishes into the sink.

  
Shit. "That's a long time."

  
"It is." She agrees. "Right now, it seems like a long time, but anybody who has kids could tell you that ten years can pass faster than you'd expect. So yes, it seems like awhile, but I'm sure it'll feel like no time at all."

  
She really does sound sure. There's not a doubt in her mind that that'll be the case. It's sort of uplifting to hear.

  
"I really hope that's true." You reply sympathetically. "Like I said before, though, I should probably be going."

  
"Alright." She acknowledges as you walk towards the door. You can hear her beginning to run water in the kitchen where you can't see her. "Drive safe."

  
"Thanks, I will." You call as you open the door. You're temporarily frozen by a blast of cold air.

  
"Oh, Dave," Ms. Paint runs out of the kitchen and into the foyer, where you're still standing with the door open. "I had one more thing I wanted to say to you, since you're still here."

  
You turn back around and give her your full attention.

  
"As a nurse," she begins, "I know a lot about what kind of injuries cause the most pain. I just thought I would let you know that if you ever hurt my son again, even just a little, I won't hesitate to put what I know to practice."

  
You feel cold for more reasons than just the chilling breeze at your back. Honestly, Ms. Paint kind of scares you.

  
You could stand here all day and try to explain to her that there's no way you would ever do that, tell her how much you already regret what happened and how it hurt you to see Karkat like that and know you were the cause.

  
You have a feeling she already knows that.

  
Instead of saying any of those things, you just nod and say "Got it."

  
"Good." She comes to the door just as you exit and leaves it open, watching you trudge out to your car. "I'll see you around, Dave."

  
The way she says it sounds more like a promise than a good bye. "Yeah. See you."

  
You get in the car and drive off, your head already beginning to swarm with ideas. This time you're going to do it better. This time you're going to do what you should have done in the first place and sift carefully through all of this shit like a prospector looking for a good idea. This time you're going to iron out all the details before attempting to execute.

  
This time you won't fuck it up.

 

By Wednesday morning you have all of the pieces of this new plan polished and ready to go. It may not be the golden egg of an idea that you were hoping for, but it's not complete shit, either. It's a little nerve wracking, because there's a ton of shit that could probably go wrong it you don't do this correctly, not to mention the fact that he just might not like the damn thing.

  
God, how much would that suck?

  
You try not to dwell on that thought too much, which is easier said than done when you have to explain to all of your friends why you're asking them for help with this new plan. It doesn't help that you haven't seen Karkat at all this week. Apparently he'd managed to catch a pretty nasty cold from running around outside without a coat on all fucking weekend.

  
You have the whole thing finished by Thursday night, which leaves you nothing to do for Friday except figure out what the fuck you're going to do with it now that you're done.

  
It's not like you can just hand it to him. For one thing, he hasn't been at school at all. For another thing, Karkat's definitely not going to want to see you.

  
You get to school on Friday with the thing in your backpack, wondering how exactly you're going to deliver it to him. It's too big to slip into his locker, and you don't know his combination, so that's out. You could maybe give it to Kanaya? She'd definitely see him before you did.

  
Of course, you couldn't guarantee that she would give it to him. She may have told Ms. Paint that you weren't working with the police, but that didn't mean she would be willing to do you any favors.

  
Plus, if you were being honest, you kind of wanted to be there when he got it.

  
So...what are you going to do?

  
Your phone buzzes just as this thought occurs to you.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
CG: DAVE?

Holy shit, it's Karkat. What a weird coincidence. What's Karkat doing pestering you?

CG: WE NEED TO TALK.  
CG: ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING TONIGHT?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter turned out more boring than expected...I just sort of wanted to write more stuff with Ms. Paint in it.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everybody!!  
> I'm really sorry for how long this chapter took, so I hope the length makes up for at least a little of the wait...  
> Also, I have good news! Remember when I said that one time that things were going to get worse before they get better?  
> Turns out, things turned out a lot less darker than I thought they were going to, so that's good.  
> With that being said, I now return you to your regularly scheduled davekat.

You'd agreed to meet Karkat at a restaurant for dinner without much fuss on your part.

Now that you're here, though, you wish you'd put up some sort of resistance. Not against meeting up, because you really do want to see him and talk to him again.

  
No, you're hella excited about that prospect. Granted, you're also nervous as fuck about whatever it is Karkat wants to talk about because there is a good chance that it might not be anything pleasant.

  
No, as much as that's freaking you out, what you're really concerned about is the venue. You sort of wish you'd offered up a restaurant that you were familiar with, or at least done some research on the place beforehand because holy fuck, this place is fancier than Queen Elizabeth's gold and lace covered tits.

  
This place is fancy as shit, and you're standing outside in jeans and a t-shirt.  
Correction, jeans, t-shirt, and a blazer you'd borrowed from Dirk because you'd wanted to look good in case this is a date.

  
Instead of feeling like you look fucking fantastic, you sort of feel inadequate. You're definitely underdressed.

  
Plus, your hands are full.

  
Fuck.

  
You're going to have to go into this fancy restaurant in jeans and a too big blazer, your nerves wracked and your arms loaded down with a shit ton of stuff.

  
You square your shoulders and hope it's a push door.

  
You press your weight into the door, and in you go.

  
It's only once you're inside that you remember that 1) this place takes reservations, that's how fancy this bitch is, and 2) you're about a half hour early.

  
The fucking staff is dressed better than you, you note as you approach the hostess behind the podium. She straightens up and eyes your clothes with a cool eye. It's the kind of scathing look you'd expect from Kanaya.

  
"Hey." You greet, completely unphased by her gaze. You readjust the pile in your arms.

  
"Do you have a reservation?" She asks.

  
"Um...yeah." You nod, even though you're not actually certain you do have a reservation, much less what name it's under. "Vantas. Karkat Vantas."

  
She looks down at her book. "This reservation is for a half hour from now."

  
"Yup."

  
"You're early."

  
"That's what it looks like."

  
"I can direct you to your seat," she sighs, "or the bar is open, if you want to wait there."

  
You spare a glance over to the bar, and instantly your mind goes back to the Dreamer. That's not exactly something you want to be reminding him about.

  
Well, looks like the bar's out.

  
"The table should be fine."

  
"Alright. Right this way, sir." She grabs a menu and leads you through a maze of mostly empty tables until you reach a wrap around booth in the back corner. "Here you are. Your server will be with you shortly."

  
You plop down heavily into the booth. You're sort of surprised, this didn't seem like the booth kind of place. Then again, have you ever been to a restaurant without a booth before?

  
You honestly don't know.

  
You drop your stuff onto the table and open up the menu.

  
Shit, this is all so expensive. You'd planned on surprising Karkat by maybe paying for everything, or at least the majority of the bill. Based on this price range, though, it looks like you have no choice but to go Dutch.

  
You spend the next ten minutes searching the menu for something you can afford and people watching. You have a pretty good view of the entire restaurant from this angle. Mostly you find yourself looking at the door in anticipation.

  
You're sitting there, staring at the door and waiting, wondering if this was really as good an idea as you'd originally thought when you see him. Across the room you finally, finally see him.

  
He looks amazing.

  
Karkat's wearing that sweater your sister made him, the gray one with the low neckline and the little crab on it. He's also tried to do something with his hair.He’s having the same discussion with the hostess as you did, and for him she performs the same bored routine, asking for his reservation and leading him to the back.

  
Karkat’s looking around as he follows. You don’t think he’s seen you yet. You fiddle with the collar of your borrowed blazer and continue to feel underdressed. Should you take off your shades?

  
Would it be weird of you to take them off now? You were wearing them when you came in, and you’ve been wearing them for the past ten minutes like usual. You thought nothing of it at the time, but now that Karkat’s here and he’s following the fucking dress code you’re beginning to think that you should.

  
Or you could just be yourself and leave them on. There’s nothing wrong with that. What would it really help, anyway?

  
You’re still internally debating about whether or not to take them off when you accidentally lock eyes with Karkat and come to an easy conclusion.

  
You’ll take them off if he asks you to, but not a moment before.

  
“Here’s your table, Mr. Vantas, just like you requested.” She hands him a menu, and he accepts it without looking at her. He’s still looking at you. He looks surprised, but otherwise his expression is pretty much blank. You don’t know if that’s a good thing. “Your server will be with you shortly.”

  
Karkat nods, but doesn’t break eye contact. “Thanks.”

  
He hands her some money and she leaves, looking much happier than before. Karkat continues to stand, looking at you like he didn’t expect to see you here.

  
“You’re here early.” He comments, sounding just as surprised as he looks.

  
“Yeah,” you nod as you clear some space on the table, transferring some of the stuff you’d brought onto the seat next to you, “so are you. Were you gonna sit down or-”

  
“The fuck are those?” He asks, pointing at what you’d left on the table.

  
“Oh, these?” You pick up the bouquet and stand up, since there’s no way to really hand them over nicely sitting down. “These are for you.”

  
You don’t think you’ve been so nervous about anything in your entire life. You try hard not to shake.

  
You hold the flowers out to him, but he doesn’t take them. He just stares at them, his arms crossed and his eyebrows furrowed. “You bought me roses?”

  
“Yeah. Well, no,” you correct yourself quickly, “I didn’t buy them, I got them from Jade. See, your mom said I should get you something with sentimental value-oh yeah, by the way, I went over to your house a couple days ago, but you weren’t home, so I talked to your mom instead. Where the fuck were you? Whatever, not the point. Anyway, I wasn’t sure what to get you. At first I thought I’d get you another copy of that book I wrecked, you know, the one I drew all the dicks in? But then I remembered that I gave you money for that already. So then I thought I might give you my kazoo, but you hate kazoos and you wouldn’t use it, so that would be a fucking waste of a kazoo and I can’t do that to him, man, shit’s practically family.”

  
Karkat interrupts your ramble. “So you got me roses?”

  
“No, I’m getting there, hold up.” You continue. “After all of that, I thought, hey, that time we hung out with the garden club and helped them move shit was kinda fun, except for the part where we had to clean up because you and Kanaya kept throwing dirt at me. I’m still taking care of the lime tree at my place, so I thought maybe I’d give you that.”

  
“...you were going to give me a lime tree?”

  
“Fuck yeah, I was. I pestered Jade to see if she was cool with that, but then she got pissed at me and came to my apartment. She threw this bouquet at me, punched me in the arm, and then grabbed the lime tree and stomped off. So anyway, that’s why you have roses and not a lime tree. Sorry, bro.”

  
Karkat laughs, it’s a weird mix of friendly and derisive. “I didn’t ask. Thanks, though.”

  
He holds out his hands to take them, but you hold them closer to you to stop him.

  
“Wait a sec, I had this whole thing planned for when I was gonna give you these.”

  
“Alright.” He sighs, dropping his hands to humor you. “Go ahead.”

  
“Hey,” you clear your throat. Your mouth feels so dry, “my name’s Dave. I like crows, apple juice, rap music, and my favorite color’s red. My dad’s a cop. Nice to meet you.”

  
You hold out the flowers and hold your breath, waiting for his reply.

  
Karkat’s looking at the flowers that you’re brandishing at him. You hope he doesn’t notice the sweat on your hands.

  
His eyes meet yours again, and he smiles. It’s the bare minimum of a smile, just a little upturn of his lip, but it’s enough to let you breathe again. He takes the flowers from your clammy palms, and you wipe your hands discreetly on your jeans.

  
“I’m Karkat. I like romcoms, coffee, and Will Smith’s entire body of work. I don’t listen to classical music too much, so I have no strong opinions about slam poetry, much less your human equivalent. Red is my least favorite color. My dad runs the Midnight Crew. It’s nice to meet you, Dave.”

  
You shake hands with him, both of you grinning. You out of relief, and Karkat probably because of how ridiculous you’re being right now.

  
“Now that introductions are out of the way,” he says, breaking the contact, “mind if I sit down?”

  
“Nah, I mean we probably should. You didn’t reserve the best seat in the house just to fucking stand around.”

  
“Damn right I didn’t.”

  
Karkat sits down across from you and goes back to looking at the roses you’d brought. You’re really glad Jade came over and threw those at you now, there’s no way he would have been as charmed with a lime tree regardless of how many memories it held. It just wasn’t the kind of thing you brought on a date to a fancy restaurant.

  
You should probably thank Jade later.

  
“Did Jade say why they were arranged like this?” He asks, staring down at them curiously. “With this ring of white ones around it?”

  
“She shouted something at me about symbolism and apologies. I don’t know if I heard her right, though, because it was in the middle of her calling me an inconsiderate lime stealing fuckheaded tree thief. It was probably something like that, I’d guess. I don’t know. I don’t speak flower.”

  
“No one speaks flower, Dave.”

  
“Yeah, they do. They have a whole fucking language, dude. It’s real hard to learn, but it’s possible. I’m pretty sure Jade’s fluent in it.”

  
"I'm pretty sure that's a load of shit," Karkat retorts, rolling his eyes, "but aside from that, thanks for these. They're nice even if I can't understand what they're supposed to be saying. Or maybe I should be thanking Jade?"

  
You shake your head. "No, don't thank Jade. Thank me, and I'll thank Jade for you later."

  
"How do I know you'll really do that? How do I know that you'll say thank you the next time you see Jade? How do I know you won't just thank Jade for giving you the flowers in the first place and then not tell her that I liked them or that I was grateful that it wasn't a fucking tree?"

  
"Relax, I got this. See?" You type something on your phone and then shove it close to Karkat's face.

  
He reads it. "This just says 'Thank Jade Harley'."

  
"Yeah, but it's in my notes section, so I'm not gonna forget about it." You reply, as if that's an actual thing you've ever done before.

  
The expression on his face tells you that he's not buying it, but that he's also not willing to have an argument about it to call you out on your bullshit. "Could you add 'for Karkat' on there?"

  
"Dude, I already have the note, I'll remember."

  
"Yeah, you might remember to thank her," he explains slowly, "but you might not remember to thank her for me. That's the important part. I don't want to leave you in charge of this if you're just gonna forget and make me look like a rude asshole. I can do that all by myself."

  
"Okay, okay, I'll add it on." You type some more. "There."

  
You give your phone back to Karkat. "That good?"

  
Karkat looks at your phone and then back up at you, glaring. "Thank Jade Harley for Angry Crab."

  
You nod. "I think that describes you perfectly. I did think about adding 'cute', but I thought that might be pushing it right now."

  
The scowl slips from his face. "Oh." He slides your phone back to you, meeting your gaze with wide eyes. "You can add that if you want, I don't mind. Otherwise this is fine, I guess."

  
"Okay, cool." You quickly tap the word 'cute' out onto the note and bite the inside of your cheek to keep from smiling about it.

  
It's just a word, it literally means nothing.

Calm down, Strider.

  
That reaction, though, that definitely meant something. That wasn't the kind of face you make when someone you hate tells you you're cute.

  
Maybe there's hope for you yet.

  
"So-"

  
"-uh"

  
You both try to break the awkward silence forming between you at the same time, only to falter simultaneously when you realize the other is speaking. You close your mouth and let Karkat go ahead, since he's the one who wanted to meet up and talk in the first place. You don't want to listen to what he has to say right now, though. To be more specific, you don't want him to say his piece and then fuck off immediately. If the choice were up to you, you'd rather have him stay for as long as possible.

  
It's really not your decision, though, it's Karkat's. You don't want to make him stay if he doesn't want to be here with you.

  
You wait patiently for Karkat to speak, but he doesn't. His mouth is clamped shut, he's holding his tongue and waiting for you to continue wherever you were going with that.

You're honestly not entirely sure where you were going or what you'd planned to say, you just knew you wanted to prolong his presence here by killing time with nonsense ramblings. The way he's staring at you makes you think he might want the same thing. It's like he's urging you to speak with nothing but his eyes.

  
You're about to agree to the coercion when a server arrives to take your drink orders.

  
"Hey, you got apple juice here?"

  
"Dave, don't be ridiculous," Karkat scoffs, rolling his eyes, "this place is fucking fancy, for shit's sake, they have cloth napkins! Why the ever loving hell would they have apple juice here?"

  
"I don't know what the quality of the napkins has to do with what beverages they serve, but there's nothing inherently un-fancy about apple juice. If they were really that concerned about it they could just pour it into a chilled wine glass or some shit like that." You retort before turning your attention back to the server. "Would you be able to do that, actually? Both to appease my friend here and because that would be fucking bomb, please?"

  
"We do serve apple juice here, if that's what you're asking." Your server nods slowly. "However, I'm not certain if I can get it in wine glasses for you, as we need those for, well, wine. I'll see what I can do. Is that all, then?"

  
"Yeah," you answer before Karkat has a chance to reply, "two cups of aj in chilled wine glasses, my good man."

  
"Alright, I'll be back with those momentarily."  
The server leaves, and it's just you, Karkat, and the heavy undertones of awkward once again.

  
"I could've ordered my own drink." He grumbles behind a menu.

  
"Well yeah, duh, of course you could have. I wouldn't have stopped you. You could've said something before the guy left, obviously. We both know you had nothing to change your order to, though."

  
"What, you don't think I could find anything better than your precious apple pulp in here?" He asks, turning a page on the menu.

  
"Maybe," you shrug, "that is, if this wasn't your first time looking at the menu since you got here."

  
His face reddens at the realization that this is true. It's been ore than five minutes and he's only just looked at the menu, distracted by the flowers and, hopefully, you.

  
It's such a subtle shift in the tint of his skin that you don't think you would have noticed if you hadn't been spending so much time with him. Karkat knows this, too, you think. His eyes meet yours for a brief second before he hides his still darkening face behind his menu.

  
The server comes back then, drinks in hand.  
“I’ll give you two a few more minutes with the menus.” He says, eyes sliding over to Karkat.

Karkat puts the menu down self consciously.  
“That’d be good, thanks.”

He leaves, and you turn your attention to the drinks in front of you.

  
“Dude, holy shit, look at this!” You pick your glass up by the stem and swish the juice around. “He did it, he made it happen!”

  
You slide the other glass closer to him, but he seems pretty disinterested.

  
You swirl the juice around close to your face and give it an exaggerated sniff like you’ve seen people on tv do with wine. You hold the glass up with your pinky extended out all fancylike and sip your juice. You then proceed to swish it around a couple times in your mouth before swallowing.

  
“So grown up.”

  
“So gross ,” Karkat grimaces, “don’t use juice as fucking mouthwash, Dave. I’m surprised your calcium nubs haven’t fallen out of your soft, rotting gums yet given the amount of sugary swill you drench them in.”

  
“Yeah, well, your mouth isn’t much to brag about, either. Have you ever smelled your breath? It stinks like you’ve been brushing with fucking manure for the past ten years. You know, I have my suspicions that you run your brush under a literal asshole before grinding it against your nasty teeth.”

  
You take a longer sip and gargle your juice without breaking eye contact just to spite him. Karkat wrinkles his nose at you in disgust.

  
"Okay, that's it." Karkat leans forward over the table and takes the glass from your hand. "I'm confiscating this."

  
"Karkat, you can't just confiscate another man's juice for no reason. It's so fucking rude."

  
"Really, you want me to give you a reason?" He says, crossing his arms over his chest. "Fine, I'll give you a reason. I took your juice because fuck you."

  
"Valid point. Can't argue with that logic." You nod. "You and I both know that I'm gonna get that juice back sooner or later, so why don't you just cut out the middle man and give it back to me?"

  
"Do we both know that, Dave? Do we really?" Karkat counters, picking up your glass by the stem. He swirls it around like you did before tipping it back and draining it.

  
"You bastard."

  
Karkat slides the empty glass back over to you. "And just what the fuck are you going to do about it?"

  
You glance momentarily at Karkat's own untouched glass sitting at his elbow. Before you can make your move, Karkat's already one step ahead of you.

  
He takes down his entire wine glass of juice before you even have a chance to make a move. For a moment he smirks at you like he just beat you at something. This only lasts a brief second before he flinches, scrunching his eyebrows together into a clearly pained face.

  
“Ow, fuck!” His seethes, holding his head between his hands.

  
“Holy shit, did you seriously just give yourself a brain freeze?” You’re trying hard not to laugh.

  
“Maybe.” There’s a brief pause, you assume another icy pang just struck his forehead. “Yes.”

  
“You know, I heard pressing your thumb on the roof of your mouth is supposed to help.”  
“I’m not putting my thumb in my mouth,” he snaps at you, “do I look like a grub to you?”

  
You open your mouth to respond, but he holds up a hand to silence you. “Don’t you dare answer that.”

  
“Okay, got it. Are you okay, though? That kind of looks like it sucks.”

  
He nods. “It does suck, it sucks major icicle bulge, but I’m fine. I think I’m gonna lay down, though.”

  
Karkat slumps down into his seat and exits your line of sight as he curls up on his side of the booth. “This is so stupid.” He groans into the seat.

  
“Hey, you’re the one who chugged two glasses of ice cold aj.”

  
“That was stupid, too.”

  
“Yeah, it kind of was.” You take both of the glasses and slide them over to the middle of the table.

  
“Speaking of stupid stuff, why the hell did you bring a plastic bag in here?” He hits the bag in question, causing it to crinkle loudly.

  
“Oh, right, that’s for you. You left your clothes at my house when you left.”

  
“Right.” You both lapse into silence, and it’s more than a little awkward. Honestly, this entire situation feels a little awkward. You have no idea what you’re doing, or what Karkat wants to eventually talk to you about, and you’re both just trying to prolong that talk for as long as possible. You have a feeling it may end up being unpleasant. “Did you want your pajamas back?”

  
“Nah,” you shake your head, “you can keep them.”

  
“Okay.”

  
All is quiet again. You drum your fingers absently against one of the glasses and try to think about something to talk about. Really anything would be good, except for whatever Karkat wanted to talk about. There’s not a doubt in your mind that that discussion won’t end well.

  
You suppose you could maybe...give him that thing you brought?

  
No, it’s too soon for that. The timing’s wrong. When the moment is right, you’ll know. You’re sure of it.

  
That still leaves you sitting here racking your brain for something to talk about.

  
“So,” you begin, continuing to tap the glass and smudge it with your fingerprints, “you weren’t at school at all this week. Honestly, I kinda thought you were avoiding me for awhile until Rose said she’d heard you were sick.”

  
“Yeah.” He sits up, rubbing his head and trying in vain to fix his partially messed up hair. “Even if I wasn’t sick this week, I probably would have avoided you, though.”

  
Harsh. Understandable, but harsh. Your heart sinks just a little.

  
“Since I was sick at home with nothing better to do than bum around and try not to drown in a lake of my own fucking snot, I had a lot of time to think.”

  
“About?” You ask, like you didn’t know he spent the last fucking week thinking about you and what you’ve done.

  
You wouldn't be surprised if he hated you after spending a week stewing in your lies and deceptions.

  
What strikes you weird is that this whole thing...it doesn't feel like hate at all. Hell, you'd even say it's fucking nice if you weren't so nervous about what's coming.

  
"The usual. You know, the Crew, Kanaya, my dad, the shit load of homework I'll have to catch up on." He shrugs, playing with the wrap around the flowers. "I did spare about a microsecond of thought on you, too."

  
He looks up at you then, eyes roaming over you, your freckles, your face, your shades, as if he's looking at you for the first time. Like he's looking and considering what his thoughts really are on you.

  
In a way, isn't this his first time looking, really looking at you with all the facts laid out?

  
In his eyes, you're no longer Dave Strider-Friend, New Guy.

  
Now you're Dave Strider-Cop's Kid.

  
The fact that this might-fuck, who are you kidding, it does-change how he sees you,what he thinks and feels about you, how he'll look at you from now on, is a weird, almost surreal concept to you. Of course, there's no way you would understand this sort of thing, you've had the facts all along.  
Karkat Vantas-Midnight Crew Member and Karkat Vantas-Friend, Love Interest have always been the same person in your mind.

You knew all about him and what the dangers of getting too close would entail, given both of your backgrounds, but you did it anyway. You fell, fully aware of what you were doing.

  
Karkat, on the other hand, he didn't know. All he'd really known about you was that you had three siblings and that you were interested in the Crew, and then you were interested in him. It wasn't until after finally giving in and spending the night with you, a whole night of confessions and secrets and warmth that he learned the truth about you. About your dad.

  
The worst part was, it wasn't even from you.

  
You feel awful just thinking about it.

  
"Dave, I-"

  
"Refill?"

  
Your server has excellent timing.

  
The interruption leaves Karkat speechless midsentence while you nod to the server and hand over your glasses.

  
"I'll be back momentarily to take your orders, if you're ready."

  
"Cool, thanks."

  
The server leaves, and Karkat deflates in his seat, apparently losing all his nerve due to interruption. He's staring down at the table with his arms crossed, looking annoyed and slightly disappointed in himself for not having the guts to finish what he was saying.

  
This is going to end the moment Karkat opens his mouth to speak again, you know this. By then, any chance at apologizing, at making amends, at anything, will be gone.

  
This is the moment you were waiting for.

Now is the time.

  
"Karkat, listen," you say as you root around by the plastic bag in an attempt to find the thing without breaking eye contact, "before you say anything, I have something I wanted to give you."

  
He lifts his head and squints at you, suspicious of what you could possibly be offering. "What is it?"

  
Your hand meets a paper covered corner, and you pick it up and lay it on the table between you. You can't help holding your breath as Karkat stares at it.

  
A full minute passes. Karkat has yet to move.

  
"You don't have to take it if you don't want to." You mumble, disappointed. Maybe you should have had Kanya give it to him after all.  
Karkat shakes his head.

"No, I want it. I'm just surprised. I didn't know you knew any toddlers, Dave."

  
"I...don't. What the fuck are you talking about?"

  
"Oh, so you're saying you wrapped this?" He says innocently, pointing at the shitty wrapping job.

  
"Hey, fuck you, I don't wrap a lot of shit."

  
"It shows." He nods, giving you a snide smile.

  
Okay, it's closer to a smirk. You're counting it, though.

  
"You know what, that's it. I'm confiscating this, you don't get it anymore." You pick up the package and make a show of exaggeratedly putting it away.

  
“Hey, that’s not fair! Give.” He holds out his hands in an expectant ‘gimme’ gesture, waiting patiently for you to hand it over.

  
“Nope. If you can confiscate my juice, then I can confiscate your present.” You hold the little box over your head so it’s far out of his reach. “What are you going to do about it?”

  
“This.” Karkat leans across the table and stretches as far as he can to get the package out of your hands, but only ends up swatting the air near your face.

  
“Gonna have to try harder than that, shortstack.” You smirk.

  
“Fuck you, Dave.”

  
“See, that’s the kind of hard work I mean.”

  
He readjusts so he has one knee on the table and reaches out with one hand, the other one being used to maintain balance. You can feel his fingers brushing your wrist.

  
That’s when the guy comes back with your drinks.

  
“Are you ready to order?” He asks politely as both you and Karkat freeze in your respectively awkward positions.

  
“I don’t know,” you answer casually, “I think I still need a minute to decide. What about you?”

  
Karkat tenses, his face brightening red as attention is shifted off of you and onto him. “Yeah, another minute would be good.”

  
“Alright, then.” Your server nods. “I hate to ask this, but would you mind moving? I don’t have enough room to put these drinks down.”

  
“Right.” Karkat nods, slowly lowering himself so he’s back in his seat.

  
The server puts the drinks on the table, nods appreciatively, and tells you to call him over whenever you’re ready. You both nod and sit in embarrassed silence as he walks away.

  
Karkat, face slowly draining of excess blood, slides his glass of apple juice over to you. “There. You get both. We’re even now.”

  
“That wasn’t really what I had in mind, but you know what, I’ll take it.” You shrug, sliding the box over to him.

  
Karkat picks it up, but doesn’t open it yet. He tilts his head curiously. “What did you have in mind?”

  
“I don’t know. An apology for calling my wrapping job shitty, I guess.”

  
Karkat examines the patchworked, overly taped paper and looks back at you. “But it is shitty.”

  
“Yeah, but you didn’t need to point it out.”

  
“It’s not like it even matters. I’m just gonna tear it off, anyway.” Karkat points out, ripping a slit in the paper with one claw. “If you care that much about it, then I guess I could lie to you and say you did okay. I mean, you covered the thing, and that’s what’s important, right?”

  
“Right.” You sip your juice and resist the urge to gargle it again out of spite. Apple juice shouldn’t be used for evil.

  
Karkat’s slowly unwrapping the paper like the process of opening a present takes delicate, skilled work. You’d probably think it was funny to watch if you weren’t on the edge of your seat with anticipation.

  
You have no clue if he’s going to like it or if it was even a good idea to begin with, but you sunk a lot of time and effort into this thing this week and even if he doesn’t like it, you’re proud of your work.

  
God, you hope he likes it.

  
All of the paper is removed, and he turns the object around in his hands. His face is an amalgamation of surprise and confusion.

You're biting your lip pretty hard as you try to read more from that expression. Does he like it? Is he happy with it?

  
Does he hate it?

  
You honestly can't tell.

  
This silence is killing you.

  
"You...got me a cassette player?" He's looking to you for answers, completely perplexed by what a gift like this could possibly mean.

"Yeah," you nod enthusiastically, you're really excited to talk about this, "I found it on the pawn shop on Monday when I was looking for a boom box. I got it real cheap, too. You know some of those are going for hundreds of dollars online? Can you believe that? Fucking hundreds for old school shitty tech like that. Anyway, I was really glad I got it, because it tied in pretty much perfectly with what I wanted to give you."

  
Karkat frowns and looks back down at the cassette player. You're disheartened by the realization that all you did was make him more confused.

  
"You should open it." You suggest. "There's a button right there."

  
He nods and presses the button you indicate. The player pops open, revealing your actual present. Karkat lifts it carefully out of the cassette player and stares at it in wonder.

  
"You made me a mix tape." He whispers, stupefied, turning the tape around over and over again in his hands. "Dave, that's...that's so old school. Shit, burning a cd these days is pretty old school. This is fucking retro."

  
"That's what I thought. So um...do you like it?" You ask, sipping nervously at your juice.

  
"I...um...yeah." He puts the tape down on the table and continues to stare at it in disbelief. "What's on it?"

  
You're relieved he's at least showing interest in it. "You're just going to have to listen to it and find out."

  
"Okay," he sighs, replacing the tape in the player, "I can wait."

  
Oh, right. "I meant right now. You know, if you want to. You definitely don't have to, but I would prefer if you do."

  
You hand him the headphones you’d brought with just in case an event like this occurred, and he willingly accepts them.

  
He pauses before plugging it in. “Are you sure you’re okay with me doing this right now?”

  
“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I wasn’t.” You say with a casual shrug.

  
You feel anything but casual about this. You spent hours this week making this mixtape and anxiously going over every possible reaction in your head. You’ve been psyching yourself up to see the real thing, and now you’re almost too overwrought to watch.

  
“Okay.” He says, plugging them in and putting them on. “If this is just a tape of you rapping about my ass or something, I’m not gonna be happy about it.”

  
“Oh, believe me, it’s not.” You shake your head. “I did briefly consider doing that, though, but then I thought that was in poor taste. That’s more of a Valentine’s day thing than an apology gift.”

  
“Of course you considered it.” Karkat rolls his eyes.

  
“When it comes to you, babe, I always consider your ass.”

  
“I’m going to press play now, stop talking to me.”

  
You nod and give him a thumbs up, sitting back nonchalantly in your seat. You’re glad you left your shades on now, because you’d hate for him to know just how intensely you’re watching him as he readjusts the headphones on his ears and presses play.  
At first there’s not much of a reaction, which you’d expected but still find nerve wracking. What if he just sits there the entire time, nodding along, listening but not comprehending.

  
You’re not even sure you can comprehend how much that would fucking suck.

  
You suppose as you sit there, watching him, swirling your almost empty wine glass in one hand in an attempt to subtly burn off nervous energy, that the real recognizable part of the songs would have been the lyrics...

  
That’s when you see it cross his face. There’s a shift in the expression. Like he recognizes the melody, but he’s having a hard time placing it. You can’t help but lean closer to really make sure you capture the look in his eyes when it hits him, assuming it hits him.

Your heart is pounding with anticipation.

  
There’s a hitch in his breath the moment the realization dawns on him, and you have the pleasure of watching his eyes brighten with wonder when it all clicks into place. He’s smiling, it’s small and he’s fighting it, but it’s definitely present as he rests his head on his hand and watches the little wheels of tape turn in the tape player. There’s so much going on with his face right now, he’s practically a kaleidoscope of elation and amazement.

  
This is so much better than anything you could have imagined.

  
The first song winds to an end, you can tell because there’s no way Karkat would press pause in the middle. He removes the headphones and drapes them around his neck, clearly planning on continuing soon.

  
"I'm sorry they're all instrumentals," you blurt before he even opens his mouth, "apparently none of our friends can sing. I thought about rapping the lyrics, but you threatened to cut off my balls last time I offerred. So really all I could do was pass out the sheet music, get everyone to record their parts and send them to me, then mix it onto that cassette and hope it turned out. Now I know what you're thinking, wouldn't it have been a fuckton simpler just to get Rose, John, and Jade together to play the songs instead of having them each record individually? Hell fucking yes, but I got a six pack of cassettes that I had to use and how the hell else am I going to showcase my talents if I don't do some mixing, since that's the nearest thing I have to musical prowess?"

  
By the end of your rambling your words are coming faster than your brain can keep up, and you feel like you're barely breathing.

  
"Dave," Karkat replies softly, it's probably the calmest you've ever heard him speak. It's actually kind of soothing, "everthing's fine. Shit, it's better than fine, this is amazing! All the work this must have taken, plus having to convince our friends to help you with this...I can't imagine how much time and effort you put into making this thing. I can't believe you would do this for me. Thank you."

  
His smile is so warm that your heart melts inside your chest.

  
Karkat replaces the headphones and presses play again, and you watch him while trying weakly to fight off a dumb smile of your own.

  
He wasn't wrong about it being difficult to get your friends to agree to this. They were mostly on board when you'd asked, but they required favors from you in return. Rose wasn't that hard to persuade, since she was all for you trying to make things up to Karkat and possibly getting back together. Jade was also pretty agreeable after you told her you'd join the garden club like she wanted. John was harder to convince, for some reason he was weirdly against playing "Unchained Melody" without incurring a large favor in the form of taking over your pick on movie night for the next three months.

  
This took so much time and effort and so many added viewings of Nicolas Cage movies in the future that you'd been left completely exhausted and drained this week with just your nerves feeling overwrought and fully functional. Sitting here with Karkat now, though, watching him relax and close his eyes and drift away into familiar melody lines played by even more familiar strings, you can't help but think that it was worth it.

  
It was all worth it just to see him smile.

  
You've been sitting here watching him for two whole songs (you know for sure because you can hear him mumbling the titles of the movies the songs are from under his breath) when the server comes back to take your orders. You pick the cheapest thing you can find, and Karkat just points at something on the menu and hands it over.

  
"Maybe I should listen to the rest later..."

Karkat sighs, pressing pause again and starting to remove the headphones.

  
"What? No! You gotta listen to the rest now!" You insist. There's four songs on the tape, and all of them are good, but it's the last one that's the most important. "I mean, you don't have to, but there's only one song left and I...I think you should finish it."

  
Karkat gives you a weird look, but does what you ask and puts the headphones back on.

  
You watch his eyes grow wide with recognition. "Isn't this...?"

  
"That one from 10 Things I Hate About You? Yeah. Just wait a sec, though, there's more when it gets about a minute in."

  
Karkat nods, concentrating intently on the song and whatever surprise was going to occur in less than thirty seconds.

  
"Dave, what?" He covers his mouth with his hand, shoulders shaking from restrained laughter. "What the fuck?"

  
"You said this was your favorite part of the movie and that you thought being serenaded was romantic, so I thought, you know...you might like this." You shrug. "I know you said you don't think of the kazoo as a real instrument, but it's the only one I really know how to play. Sorry if that wrecks the song for you or something."

  
Karkat waves away your apology, still laughing as he takes off the headphones.

"No, no don't apologize for that. This is so completely you. I don't think there's anything you could have done to make this any better. It's perfect, I love it."

  
He hands you back your headphones, grinning appreciatively. "Thanks."

  
That's all you have in the form of distraction and topic avoidance. You're really not looking forward to this discussion at all, but you literally have nothing left to give. It's time to suck it up and listen to whatever Karkat wanted to talk to you about. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

  
"Right." Karkat nods, staring down at his hands on the table. "I was just wondering-"

  
He pauses, chewing on his bottom lip. You're sitting on pins and needles over here, just waiting for him to continue. Shit, you're antsy.

  
"Are you gonna make me break up with Kanaya?"

  
Wait.

  
What?

  
That wasn't where you thought this was going. At all.

  
"I'm sorry, what?"

  
"Well, she's my moirail and you don't do quadrants, so I just thought that if we were going to...you know, date that that's still probably the deal with you." He explains. "We never did get around to discussing that. So, are you going to make me break up with Kanaya or not?"

  
"Karkat, that's ridiculous." You shake your head. "I know I said I don't do quadrants, and it's true, I don't, but I would never make you break up with Kanaya. I like Kanaya a lot, she's cool, and you guys are cool together. Plus, when I said that, I wasn't really sure what the fuck a moirail was? Now that I know it's mostly a lot of emotional support and shit like that there's no way I would want to take something like that from either of you."

  
"Wow," he says, incredulous, "you're really okay with this? With me having a moirail?"

  
"Fuck yeah, I am, of course I am. I'm completely, one hundred percent cool with you getting whatever emotional support you need. Just maybe don't keep me out of the loop about how you're feeling about shit."

You shrug nonchalantly like you didn't just reveal something personal. "You could think of me as a second moirail if you want."

  
"Oh, so you're cool with me having quadrants, but only if you also get to be in those quadrants?" He laughs, inching closer, "What if I get a kismesis? Do you want me to hate date you, too?"

  
"I think I can handle whatever you're dishing out in the hatemance department." You nod, leaning in closer to him. "But I don't think you'll be finding anyone to spade it up with anytime soon. I doubt you'll find anyone who, to quote a certain lesbian troll, 'rubs you the wrong way' like I do."

  
"Believe me, there's nothing special about my disdain for you," Karkat replies. He's only inches away from you now, both of you approaching the middle of the booth. You're so glad it's a wrap around, "it's the same amount of loathing I show all of my friends."

  
"A certain incident in the hallway begs to differ." You're whispering, taunting him. You're so close that you can feel his breath ghost past your face.

  
"Fuck you, that was a one time thing."

  
"A pretty intense one time thing." You smirk.

"Honestly, I wasn't sure if you were trying to make out with me or tear my mouth off. Then again, you did end up doing both."

  
There's a devious spark in the gray of his eyes as he leans forward, his body practically pressed against yours, a thin layer of oxygen and carbon dioxide being the only barrier between. "Did you want me to do that again?"

  
Oh god, you hope he can't hear the way your heart is thumping in your chest. It's too late to pray that he hasn't noticed your face, beet red and starting to perspire.

  
"Do what?" You ask, feigning ignorance and just hoping your blood stays concentrated in your face as opposed to even less ideal areas of your anatomy. "Fight me?"

  
He's not fooled for even a second. "Maybe after."

  
His hands are playing with the lapels of your blazer, and he's using them to pull you closer. The barrier is gone, and all you can feel is the pressure and the heat of his body. Your senses are overflowing with him, the smell of his hair and the feel of his hands, soft and trailing electricity where skin met skin.

  
He's so close you can practically taste him.

  
"Just kiss him already!"

  
You're interrupted right before your mouths meet by an irate shout all the way across the restaurant. Just like that, all the sexual tension is gone and replaced with good old fashioned embarrassment as the two of you jump apart.

  
"Shit." Karkat groans as he slumps against you, hiding his cherry red face in his hands.

  
Everybody's looking at you. You have no idea if they've been watching the both of you the whole time or if the shouting is what drew their attention, but either way they're looking. There's a pretty evenly split mix of curious starers and disgusted onlookers.

  
You want to crawl under the table and hide there, but that would just draw all the attention to Karkat. Maybe you can convince him to come down with you.

  
"Dave, I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry." He mumbles into your shirt, burying his burning face in the fabric.

  
"Hey, it's fine. Shit like this happens. We can just pick up where we left off later."

  
"No, it's not that," Karkat pulls away from you, shaking his head before gesturing across the restaurant with an embarrassed and weary sigh, "I know them."

  
You follow where his hand is gesturing and notice a table with three snappily dressed carapacians crowded around it. It takes you a moment to register who the trio are.

  
"Karkat, what the fuck is the rest of the Midnight Crew doing here?"

  
"I knew there was a reason this restaurant came to me first!" He moans. "I completely forgot they were doing this today! What the fuck is wrong with me?"

  
The one in the middle raises a glass, smirking, and Karkat gets even redder. He drains his glass and stands up, flanked by the other two as he approaches. They all stop at your table, and you can feel Karkat steaming next to you as he tries to level a glare at them through his embarrassment.

  
"Droog." Karkat greets in a clipped tone. "Nice to see you. Having a good time?"

  
"Not as good a time as you were having," the middle one, you assume Droog, says as he looks you up and down, "wait until the old boss hears about this."

  
"Why would he even care," mumbles the big one crossly, you recognize his voice as the shouter, "he didn't even kiss him."

  
"Aren't you the boss now, Droog?" Pipes up the little one. You have a vague recollection of meeting him at the police station once before. Deuce, you think his name was.

  
"Yeah," Droog nods, "all thanks to this kid. Thanks for giving up when things got tough."

  
"Don't mention it." Karkat spits back, "I'm looking forward to never having to see you again."

  
"Likewise." He gives you another once over and a weird sneer that you're really not fond of as he readjusts his tie. "We're heading out now for celebratory drinks. We'll leave you to whatever the fuck you were doing."

  
"I wasn't doing anything!" Karkat snaps at the three of them as they walk away.

  
"That's not what your old man's going to hear." Droog calls without turning around.  
Karkat's next to you, looking at a loss for what to say or do so he gets the last word.

He turns to you for help.

  
"You know what," you whisper, grabbing his hand, "fuck that. If Jack's gonna hear that we were making out, we're gonna fucking make out."

  
"Wait, Dave-"

  
"Hey!" You shout at the trio, dragging Karkat out of the booth. "I'll give you something worth talking about!"

  
The three of them turn around and watch as you grab Karkat by the waist, dip him, and proceed to kiss him on the lips. At least, that's what you'd intended. He turns away and blocks your mouth with his hand, causing you to mack on his hand instead.

You pull away and look down at his still glowing face, confused. He looks back at you apologetically, but doesn't offer explanation.

  
"If you're done, we're going to leave now." Droog says bluntly, gesturing for the other two to follow.

  
The big one shakes his head disappointedly at you as he leaves.

  
You pull Karkat out of position so he's standing upright again. "Dude, what the hell? I thought you were okay with that."

  
"I was." He admits. "Then I reconsidered. Dave, I literally just got done being sick. I'm not contagious anymore, but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to stick my tongue in other people's mouths for at least another twenty-four hours."

  
"Oh, I get it. You just didn't want to get me sick. That's totally fine, I just wish you'd told me earlier."

  
"There wasn't really an earlier," Karkat says as he climbs into the booth, "sorry."

  
Your food comes, and it looks fucking fantastic. You hope it tastes as good as it looks.

  
"So," you say, digging in, "what did that guy mean when he said you gave up on things or whatever?"

  
Karkat looks up at you, fork halfway to his mouth. "That's one of the things I wanted to talk about." He says, putting his fork down. "I quit the Midnight Crew."

  
"Holy fuck," you almost drop your own fork, "you did?"

  
"I did." He confirms, picking his fork back up. "I did it on Tuesday."

  
"Why? I mean, I'm glad you did it, I'm happy for you and all, but why? You seemed so against it before."

  
"Like I was saying earlier," he explains, "I thought a lot about you and what you said, really what everybody's been saying to me for awhile. You were right, Dave, I don't like the Crew. I don't know how I ever fooled myself into believing I did for so long."

  
"So what convinced you? What made you do it?" You ask as you take a bite of your food. Spoiler alert, it does taste as good as it looks.

  
"The day I...found out, I stayed with Kanaya, and she told me to think about you and try to remember all the good stuff we've done together. So I did, and the more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that some things just didn't sit well in my complete betrayal theory. If you were really working for the police, why would you come home with me after the raid? Why would you stay with me? If we weren't really friends and I was just a way in to the Crew for you, what reasoning would you have for bringing me back together with Terezi? If you were only interested in taking the Crew down, why would you tell me to quit? That one in particular struck me. All those other things you could have done just to gain my trust, but that....that one didn't make sense. The more I turned it over in my pan, the more I began to entertain the thought that maybe you weren't working with the police at all. Maybe you had nothing to do with the raid. Maybe...maybe you really did just care about me."

  
The way he's looking at you, you can tell he's spent hours thinking about this. He wants you to know that he didn't come to this conclusion easily. After the way you hurt him, you're surprised he was even able to think about you like that at all.

  
"Even though that's what I think," he continues, "I don't think I can forgive you for what you did. No, I can't do that, I don't know if I'll ever be able to, but I can give you a second chance. I've told you things that I've never told anyone before. Shit, I've told you things that I never even considered telling Kanaya before. For some reason, I didn't really think about it with you. I trusted you. For some fucked up reason, after everything that happened, I still trust you. I think that maybe if we start over, if we're completely honest about everything, no secrets, all our cards on the table, I think...I think we could make this work."

  
He's smiling, but it's timid, careful, almost shy. You never thought you would use that word to describe any part of Karkat, but here you are, using it. Here you are, sitting in front of an insecure, self conscious Karkat while you process this new information and try to formulate a reply.

  
"But...what about our dads?" You ask. You know that's not what he wanted to hear from you, but you can't answer yet. You're still processing. This wasn't what you'd expected at all.

  
"You didn't plan on going into police work, did you?" Karkat counters. You shake your head no. "Good. I wasn't that interested in going into the organized crime business, myself. Since neither of us plans on following in our father's footsteps, I think we should be okay for now. We can cross that bridge when we get to it."

  
"Yeah," you nod, "I guess we can."

  
"Since you brought up fathers," Karkat says conversationally between bites, "I had a couple requests I wanted to make."

  
"Shoot."

  
"I want to meet your dad."

  
"What? Why?" You ask incredulously, twirling pasta onto your fork.

  
"I want to meet the man Dave Strider was willing to risk his life for." He replies. "Besides, I'll have to meet him eventually, right?"

  
"Right." You agree. "What about the other thing?"

  
"Other thing?"  
"Yeah. You said you had a couple requests, but you only made one. What's the other one?"

  
"I've um...I've been thinking about joining the KOB."

  
"That troll group? That's cool."

  
"Yeah, it is." He nods. "It's not just that, though. See, I want to join, but not as an anonymous troll. I think- I think I want to join as a mutant."

  
"Seriously? Holy shit, Karkat, that's great! Do you want me to come with you? I'll do it if you think you'll need me."

  
"That's actually what I was going to ask you." Karkat admits, shoulders sagging with relief. "You'd really do that?"

  
You don't even have to think about it. "Definitely."

  
You finish eating and pay your separate parts of the bill. You're rummaging around in your pockets for extra money to leave as a tip while Karkat gathers up all of his stuff.

  
"Do you want me to drive you home?" You ask, pulling out a couple wadded up dollars and dropping them on the bill. "I can tell you from experience that walking around with that load is a bitch."

  
"You know what," Karkat says, looking down at his now full arms, "normally I would tell you to go fuck yourself, but this time I'll take you up on it."

  
"Alright, cool." You nod. "Let's go."

  
You open both the restaurant and the car door for him.

  
And people say chivalry is dead.

  
Neither you or Karkat have much to say on the drive to his house. Luckily, it's not a long one. You're about to tell him good night until he turns in his seat and interrupts you.

  
"It's tomorrow." He says without any explanation.

  
You're not a mind reader, you need clarification. "What's tomorrow?"

  
"The next meeting. For the KOB. It's tomorrow. I want to go. Is that too short notice for you?" His concern about your schedule seems genuine. He really doesn't want to do this alone.

  
"No," you shake your head in an attempt to relieve his concerns, "tomorrow should be fine. Maybe you can come by early for dinner and you can meet my dad. We could kill two birds with one stone."

  
"Yeah," Karkat nods, smiling, "I'd like that. I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Dave."

  
Karkat opens the door and starts to get out.  
"Karkat, wait!" You call out before he closes the door. "One more thing."

  
He pops his head back into the car. "What is it?"

  
"This." You lean over and kiss him. It's quick and it's chaste, but it's perfect nonetheless.

  
Karkat's touching his mouth tentatively with one hand. "Dave, you could get sick."

  
You give him a big, stupid grin. "Worth it."

  
Karkat snorts and rolls his eyes, but you can tell how flushed his face is. "Whatever. I'll see you tomorrow."

  
"Yeah," you nod, "tomorrow."

  
You watch him as he walks away from you and towards his house. At the door he gives you one final wave good bye before he disappears inside.

  
You spend the whole drive home with thoughts of Karkat and that song from 10 Things I Hate About You stuck in your head, and you can't help but smile.

  
You can't wait for tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that chapter was a little worth the wait or at the very least was nice to read.  
> Along with the good news I also have some bad news. Well, not really news, more like just a warning of what's soon to come, I guess.  
> We're winding close to the end of this fic right now. I'm talking there's maybe 2-3 more chapters at max. I just thought I would let you guys know.  
> Thanks for reading this chapter, I hope you liked it.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took so long...it was just a really difficult chapter to write because (spoiler alert) it's the second to last chapter and I wanted to make sure I got everything how I wanted it to be at this point and in a way that makes sense. I'm not sure if I managed to accomplish all that, but hey, I tried...
> 
> Also, separately, I'm sorry about AR and I wish I'd managed to include him more in this fic besides right now. You'll understand why when you read the chapter.

The buzz you'd had from last night's events has dulled at the edges after your third retelling. Granted, that was mostly your own impatience, since Rose was on a date of her own and Dirk had fucked off somewhere by the time you got back. You were riding so much excess excitement when you came back that you couldn't handle waiting for everyone to be present when you spilled your guts. Luckily enough for you, Roxy was still chilling at home when you returned and was just as excited to hear about your date as you were to divulge the information.

  
After that you'd gathered up your guts and replaced the entrails in their respective cavities, and you spent the next several hours getting your ass handed to you by your sister at Mario Party whicheverthehell. It was two a.m. by the time you decided you'd had enough of that, and when you went to your room to go to bed and reminisce about what happened with Karkat-

  
(a second chance! You got a second chance! Holy shit you can't believe it!)

  
-you discovered that Dirk had returned and was also interested to know how everything went. Naturally, out came your emotional innards again as you told your brother everything that transpired between your arrival at the restaurant and your return home.

  
This morning you'd discussed everything with Rose over cups of coffee in hushed, animated tones. When she was finished with her cup and her mental dissection, she confessed that she'd already heard about last night's events. To be more specific, she'd had the tale of your date recounted to her by Kanaya from Karkat's perspective. You were itching to know what he said, but games of telephone you'd played as a kid told you that hearing what Karkat said from your sister who heard it from her girlfriend might not be as wise a decision as asking Karkat yourself.

  
"I'm really glad you and Karkat have worked things out," Rose said as she refilled her coffee cup. You braced yourself for the rest of the statement. Dirk and Roxy had asked the same thing, you knew exactly where this was going, "but Dave, how do you plan on telling dad that you invited a mobster over for dinner?"

  
"Good question," you nodded, just as you had the other two times, "I have no idea."

  
Which brings you to right now. You're sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels without really watching, searching your brain for the best way to tell your dad about Karkat.

  
Because really, how do you tell your dad that you're dating a mobster? More importantly, you're dating the son of the mob boss your father arrested.

  
Yeah...that's going to be a tough conversation. You slump deep into the couch and groan. You hate tough conversations.

  
What are you going to do?

  
The easiest solution would be to do nothing. Pester Karkat and tell him that today's not actually a good time to meet your dad, take him to the KOB meeting, swing by a burger joint after and just hang. It'll be real casual, chill, simple. Honestly, it sounds like a pretty awesome lowkey kind of date.

  
As nice as that all sounds, you know you can't do that. That's not fair to Karkat or your dad. You'd promised Karkat you wouldn't lie anymore, and you'd meant it. You're going to be honest from now on. Not just to Karkat, to everyone.

  
Okay, so the not telling your dad was out of the question. That left you with two options. You could either tell your dad about Karkat right now, or you could do it later.

  
You're leaning heavily towards the later option, because even though a lot of people think that it's better just to get whatever you're stressed about over with as soon as possible, you are of the opposite persuasion and would rather put off difficult situations like this for as long as possible.

  
If you even were to tell him right now, though, how would you go about doing that?

  
"Hey, dad, remember how you said you wanted to meet my boyfriend? Well, I invited him over for dinner tonight. He should be by around six or seven, I think? Funny story, I think you might've already met him. He's in the Midnight Crew."

  
Yeah, that would go well.

  
You could always be really vague and just ask if you could invite your boyfriend over. Maybe your relationship will be easier to explain when Karkat's already over. You could break it to him gently. Who knows, the subject might even come up casually over dinner.

  
"Karkat, you seem like a nice enough boy. Are you in any clubs? Extra curriculars?"

  
"No, I didn't really have time for any of that. I was too busy helping run a major criminal organization."

  
What a smooth transition from pleasant conversation to horribly painful and tense topic. Ten out of ten, never allowed to speak to Karkat again.

  
Actually, now that you think about it...wasn't your dad the one who told you Karkat was involved with the Midnight Crew in the first place?

  
Yeah, yeah he was.

  
Knowing your dad, he would probably answer the door, recognize Karkat, and promptly slam the door in his face. You wouldn't even get to awkward dinner conversation.

  
Fuck.

  
What else can you really do, though? No matter how you spin it, trying to explain this to your dad just doesn't end well. It'll be even worse if your dad figures out who Karkat is before you even try.

  
Still, you're definitely not telling your dad earlier than you have to.

  
Maybe you could try explaining everything when Karkat gets here? You could answer the door, usher Karkat inside before your dad even has the chance to see him, and then give your dad all the details you'd neglected to mention before.

  
The most important piece of course being that Karkat was in the Midnight Crew. Was. He quit.

  
You have a feeling that's going to matter less to your dad than you hope it does, but shit, there's nothing wrong with trying, right?

  
Right.

  
Your dad walks in and takes a seat on the couch, leaving a cushion of space between the two of you. "What are we watching?"

  
"Hell if I know," you shrug, handing him the remote, "you pick something."

  
He accepts the remote from you and immediately flips it to a crime drama. You're not even surprised. He's always watching Criminal Minds or NCIS or some shit like that. Honestly, you don't see the appeal. They all just sort of blend together after awhile.

  
This episode of whatever the fuck is about human trafficking, you think. You can't really tell for sure yet. Whatever it's about, it seems like a pretty dark subject, definitely not the kind of thing you'd watch to unwind over the weekend.

  
You're just glad that it's not an episode involving mob violence. That would be terrible timing, considering you want to convince your dad that your ex-mob member boyfriend is totally harmless.

  
Not only would that be terrible, but it would be, dare you say...ironic.

  
You would hate it if the gods of irony sucker punched you in the gut with a cheap shot like that.

  
"So, um..." You begin, tearing his attention away from the tv, "remember when you said you wanted to meet my boyfriend?"

  
His full attention is on you, now, show completely forgotten. "Yes, I do remember that."

  
"Well, I've given it some thought and decided, what the fuck, why not?" You offer a casual shrug and hope he responds with an actual reason why not. You really don't think this is a good idea.

  
"Why not what?" He asks.

  
"Why not let you guys meet."

  
"Dave, what are you saying, exactly?"

  
Fuck, how much clarification does one guy need before he can deny you? "I invited him over for dinner tonight. That cool?"

  
"That's fine." Your dad nods as he stands up and trudges towards the kitchen. "Is he allergic to anything?"

  
You turn on the couch so your facing the wall that separates the living room from the kitchen. There's a lot of clammering going on as your dad opens up all the cupboards and rifles through them. "I don't think so. Why?"

  
"I was planning on cooking tonight, but we don't have anything."

  
"That's not true." You disagree. "We have doritos."

  
"We're not having doritos for dinner again." He exits the kitchen and grabs his coat off of a chair. "It looks like I'm going to have to go to the store and pick up some things. Is spaghetti okay?"

  
"Sure." You shrug. "It's no dorito dinner, but I think I can live with that."

  
"Alright. I'll be back soon, then. What time did you say he was coming over?"

  
"Probably six or seven. I'm going to pester him when dinner's close to ready."

  
"Tell me when you do, okay?"

  
"Okay."

  
The door slams shut, and you slump back onto the couch.

  
The people on the generic procedural drama are now taking in members of an organized crime group as suspect in the human trafficking case. The descriptions they're giving are of violent, bloodthirsty monsters.  
Worse yet, it looks like the guy their investigating is played by a troll.

  
Fuck the ironic gods. You're going to make this work.

  
Somehow, someway, you're going to make sure everything tonight turns out okay.

  
Your cop father and your ex-mafioso boyfriend are going to have dinner together, and everything will be just fine and fucking dandy.

  
Tonight's going to be yet another long night. You're exhausted just thinking about it.

  
You pestered Karkat over twenty minutes ago, and you're starting to get a little nervous about it. He could be here literally any minute. Shit has the potential to go down before pasta meets plate. You've been running your hands through your hair and pacing your room nonstop since you pressed send.

  
"Hey, I know I'm not usually the one to tell people to calm down, but maybe you should try calming down?" Dirk's been sitting on his bed and watching you walk the room aimlessly for the past five minutes. "Do you want me to get you a paper bag or something?"

  
"Nah," you decline without pausing, "I'm good. I mean, I'm kinda freaking out, but I don't think I'm gonna lose my lunch over this."

  
"I meant to breathe into."

  
"Oh." You come to a standstill while you consider. "I don't know. Maybe? Just to be on the safe side."

  
"I'll go get you one." Dirk nods and steps off his bed. "If you do end up feeling like you're gonna blow chunks, we do have a working shitter."

  
"Right." You resume your on-edge shambling.

  
Three trips around the room later, Dirk returns with a crumpled paper bag.

  
"Here." He hands it to you, and you accept it graciously and try to smooth it out. "Don't freak out, but while I was out there there was a knock at the door."

  
You freeze, bag half smoothed in your hands. "And did anyone...answer it?"

  
He shakes his head. "I checked the peephole and saw that it was Karkat. I figured you should be the one to answer it."

  
"Thanks."

  
You stay where you are.

  
"You should probably do that." Dirk suggests.

  
"Right, yeah." You try to clear your head of all its storm cloud thoughts by shaking them away. "Duh. I'll do that."

  
You recrumple the paper bag in one hand and slide over to the front door. You fling the door open, not bothering with the peephole since you already know he's out there.

  
You find Karkat sitting on the hallway floor, scribbling on the wall with a blue piece of chalk. This confuses you until you see Terezi next to him, carefully marking up the wall with streaks of what's left of her favorite red chalk.

  
Karkat's too focused on the blue mess he's making on the wall to notice you in the doorway. Terezi, on the other hand, is never too busy for a new smell. She turns to face you, grinning around a piece of green chalk. She chomps down on it and lets the half not in her mouth roll onto the floor next to the rest of her half eaten supply.

  
"Cool kid! What's that weird smell around you?" She sniffs the air carefully and raises her eyebrows in surprise. "Are you wearing perfume?"

  
"It's called cologne when it's for guys." You reply. "But to answer your question, yes, I am. I borrowed some of Rose's just for the occasion."

  
Your attention is drawn back to Karkat, who's slowly rising to a stand. You catch his eyes momentarily, and he waves awkwardly back at you. His hand is covered in blue dust.

  
"Look at you, wearing a coat like a fucking normal person." You say. "I didn't even know you had one of those."

  
He tugs self consciously at his sleeve. "My mom wouldn't let me leave the house without it."

  
"Smart woman." You say, moving out of the doorway. "So were you gonna come in?"

  
"Yeah." He nods emphatically. "Just give me a second."

  
Karkat turns back to Terezi, who's returned to coloring. "You'll pester me whenever you want to hang out or talk or something, right?"

  
"Of course I will." Terezi replies.

  
"And we're still on for next week?"

  
"Yes. Fuck, how many times are you going to ask me that, Karkat?"

  
"Sorry." Karkat says, looking down at his shoes.

  
"It's fine, I'm just saying my plans haven't changed in the thirty seconds since you asked me last." She explains. "I'll make sure I pester you if they do, okay?"

  
"Okay."

  
"Don't you have a date to get to?" Terezi asks, wagging her eyebrows suggestively at him.

  
"Yeah." His gaze meets yours, and you watch his face dye itself a faint pink. "I do."

  
She punches his knee lightly. "Smell ya later, Karkles."

  
He returns the gesture with a soft tap of his foot to her own knee. "Later."

  
Terezi goes back to her new graffiti as Karkat crosses the hall over to your open door.

  
"I could take your coat." You offer.

  
"Okay." He says, shedding the extra layer as he removes his shoes. He tosses the coat at you, looking grateful to be set free from the extra weight. "So...where's your dad?"

  
"Damn, Vantas, you don't waste any time, do you?" You put the coat in the hall closet and make sure he sees in case he feels the urge to make a quick retreat again. You don't think it'll happen, but it's good to be precautious. "He's in the kitchen. Dinner's almost ready."

  
He nods, leaning heavily against the wall. He's looking in the direction of the kitchen. "How much does he know about me?"

  
"As my boyfriend? Nothing." You join him against the wall. You can't see anything in the kitchen from here. "As a member of the Crew? A lot."

  
"Fuck." Karkat groans.

  
"I was thinking the same thing."

  
"I knew that was probably the case, but there was some dumbshit part of me that was really hoping against that." He turns so he's facing you, his eyes full of concern. "How are we going to explain this? I know I said I wanted to meet him, and I do, I really do, that hasn't changed. But I don't want to do it right now if it's going to cause a strain in your relationship with him."

  
He drops his eyes to the floor and crosses his arms over his chest, frowning just at the thought of causing an issue between you and your family.

  
"Hey, it's fine." You say, stroking his hair in an attempt to dispel the worry radiating off him. "Yeah, there's no way my dad's going to be happy about this, I don't have any doubts about that. We're probably going to argue, and there's a good chance he'll yell. Fuck, he might even stop talking to me for a couple days, who knows? My point is, no matter what angle the shit hits the fan tonight, it's not going to wreck my relationship with my dad. He'll be mad for awhile, sure, but it won't change anything."

  
Karkat still looks unconvinced, but leans into your touch anyway. "I hope you're right about that."

  
You really hope you are, too. "I know I am."

  
You both lapse into a tense silence, probably both thinking about the same thing. About your dad, who's only a room away, and about what's going to happen when he and Karkat finally meet.

  
At this point, all you're really doing is standing in the hall and running your hand awkwardly through Karkat's hair. You should probably stop, but at this point it feels like just pulling away suddenly will make the situation more uncomfortable. Instead, you take your hand and start to muss up his hair.

  
"Dave, what the hell? Quit it!" He starts batting your hand away, but your hand stays put, persistently tousling his already unruly hair. "Dave, seriously, as the mother grub as my witness I'll chew off this stupid flab bag you call a hand and shove it so far up your own waste chute that the shit you'll be spitting stops being metaphorical."

  
"Wait, I'm almost done." You give his head one final rub. "Okay, finished."

  
He slaps your hand indignantly as you pull it away and smooths his frazzled hair with the other. Honestly, it doesn't look like you did much damage.

  
"What the actual fuck, Dave?" Karkat asks, back to his usual irate tone.

  
"Your hair looked like it wanted to be messed with." You shrug. "It was literally asking for it. It was all like 'Oh, Mr. Strider, touch me! Touch me _please_ I need to feel your hands on me. Please, please, _please._ ' I was just doing what your hair wanted me to do, man. Now that I did, I totally get why it wanted me to do that. _That_ is what satisfied, stimulated hair follicles look like."

  
He levels an unamused glare back at you. "What kind of nonsense are you spouting out of your shit hole?"

  
"What I was _trying_ to say," you continue, "is that you look fucking fantastic."

  
The agitation drains from his face and is succeeded by embarrassment at being complimented. He runs a hand through his hair. "Oh."

  
"You know, only because my magic fingers were fondling your rat's nest so much."

  
The agitation returns, this time accompanied by a slight glower. "I'm going to use your bathroom to see if I can fix any of this damage you wreaked on my hair, you fucking trichophiliatic nitwit."

"Okay." You reply as you move out of his way. "You might want to wash your hands while you're in there, you still have chalk all over them."

  
"I do?" He questions, stopping to examine his hands. "Shit, I do."

  
"Yeah, I know. You go deal with that. I'm gonna tell my dad you're here, if that's cool with you."

  
He swallows nervously and gives you a firm nod. "If you think it's the right time."

  
You honestly don't think there's such a thing as the right time in situations like this. The way Karkat's looking at you tells you that he feels the same.

  
"I don't know if it is," you admit, "but there's no harm in getting it done as soon as possible, right?"

  
You may be okay with stewing in your own nerves for as long as physically possible, but you'll be damned if you're going to watch Karkat struggle under the burden of his own worry. You want to relieve his shoulders of that weight as soon as you can.

  
He smiles in uneasy relief back at you. "Right."

  
You separate from Karkat and head towards the kitchen. Your dad is stirring a pot of steaming tomato sauce.

  
"I'm almost done." He says when you enter his field of vision. "I just need to heat up the sauce and rinse the noodles. Do you think he'll be here soon?"

  
You really are getting it done as soon as possible. "He's already here, actually."

  
"Well, where is he, then?" Your dad asks. "Bring him in here, I want to meet him!"

  
"He's in the bathroom right now. He'll come in as soon as he's done in there."

  
"Okay." He nods, turning off the stove and shuffling over to the sink. "Make sure he does. I want to talk with him before dinner starts."

  
"We actually wanted to talk to you, too."

  
He turns on the faucet to rinse the noodles in the strainer, picking it up and tossing it lightly so the water hits the most noodles. "What about?"

  
You open your mouth to speak, but are at a loss. How the fuck can you phrase this so it doesn't sound so bad? "The thing is," you begin, choosing your words carefully, "you've actually met him before."

  
"It's Equius, isn't it?" Your dad interrupts. "I can't believe you're dating Equius, Dave. Of course, I'm not one to judge people's taste in partners, but I don't see it. You two have nothing in common and he smells like warm milk all the time. You could do better."

  
"Thanks, but I'm not dating Equius." That would be an entirely different kind of disaster. You don't even want to imagine what that would be like.

  
"I can't think of any other male trolls around your age that I would know." He says with a shrug, pouring the noodles out of the strainer and into a big serving bowl. He only breaks that thing out for guests. "Outside from arrests, of course. Did you know that trolls have one of the highest rates for juvenile crime?"

  
"Yeah, I did know that." You nod. "That's...what I was getting at. How you might know him."

  
Your dad stops cold in his tracks. "Dave," he says slowly, there's something akin to anger you can hear him trying to suppress, "are you telling me you're dating someone with a criminal record."

  
Your heart almost stops when he looks at you. This is going just as smoothly as you thought it would.

  
"No." You shake your head. How do you explain this? "N-not exactly."

  
All of his anger is gone as quickly as it came. "Then what's the problem?"

  
You open your mouth and have no way to explain to him what the problem is.

  
"Dave?" Karkat walks slowly into the kitchen and stands next to you, looking just as nervous and disheveled as before. His hand brushes against yours, and he smiles reassuringly at you. "It's okay, I got this."

  
He faces your dad, and you interlock your fingers with his and squeeze his hand encouragingly. "I'm-"

  
"I know who you are." Your dad interrupts harshly. "Dave, a word?"

  
"Dad, listen-"

  
"Now."

  
He grabs you by the arm and drags you towards the living room, tearing your hand out of Karkat's in the process. Your dad hauls you into the living room so Karkat's out of your sight. Your sisters, on the other hand, are more than present.

  
"Rose, Roxy, get out of here." Your dad snaps, keeping his gaze locked on you.

  
"Why?" Roxy asks.

  
"Alright," Rose pokes her in the shoulder and nods towards the kitchen, "we'll go."

  
"Don't you dare go to the kitchen!" He yells at them as they go.

  
"We won't." Rose yells back.

  
They're totally going to the kitchen.

  
Your dad lets go of your arm once they're out of the room. "Dad, I know what this looks like, okay? I promise, it's not as bad as you're thinking. I can explain-"

  
"So you know? You know exactly who that is in the kitchen? You know you invited the heir to a criminal empire over for dinner?"

  
"Well, yes-"

  
He's not letting you get a word in edgewise. "You do know that I arrested his father, right? That he could plausibly have a grudge against me for that?"

  
"Are you trying to say that you think he's...using me? To get to you?" You ask. You know that it does make sense from the standpoint of a police officer, but you can't help feeling defensive that he would even suggest that kind of thing of Karkat. "He wouldn't do that. Karkat's not a bad guy."

  
"How do you know that for sure?" Your dad counters. "How good of a guy could he really be if he's in the Midnight Crew?"

  
"That's what I've been trying to tell you! He's not even in the Midnight Crew any more! He quit."

  
"And you don't think he's lying to you about that? You trust him?"

  
"Yes! As ridiculous as you might think it sounds, I do! I do trust him, and I know for a fact that Karkat wouldn't lie to me. Especially about something as big as that."

  
"Well, why wouldn't he? Where's your proof that he wouldn't do something like that, Dave? That he wouldn't lie to you or use you? Where is this proof that Karkat Vantas, supposed ex-member of the Midnight Crew and boss's son, isn't a 'bad guy'? Prove it to me, and maybe I'll consider not throwing him back out into the hall."

  
You open your mouth to offer your immediate flood of examples when you're struck by an oddness that makes you close it again. You have plenty of examples to prove that Karkat's a good person, but you have no idea how to phrase them in a way that makes sense. Saying that you know Karkat's not a bad guy because a bad guy wouldn't smile the way he does sometimes or because of how deeply he cares about other people doesn't seem like enough to cut it right now.

  
You don't think a bad guy would do a lot of the shit that Karkat's done. A bad guy wouldn't melt at the thought of being romanced like the lead in a romantic comedy. A bad guy wouldn't ask you to stay with him.

A bad guy wouldn't put his life on the line because he didn't want people getting hurt for his sake.

  
A bad guy wouldn't hurt as much as Karkat had the morning he found out.

  
A bad guy wouldn't have given you a second chance.

  
A lot of Karkat's goodness is hard for you to put into words that your father will understand. It's hard to describe, but not to see. If your dad were to just spend some time with Karkat, if he just talked to him, you're sure it'll all be clear.

  
You're about to tell him as much when your dad starts talking again. You were quiet too long. You lost your chance.

  
"See? You can't even come up with one counterpoint. He's just manipulating you for his own reasons. If not to go after me, then maybe to get into your pants or something."

  
Okay, this is getting ridiculous. "So now he's using me for my body? Just why the fuck would he do that?"

  
"A bad guy is a bad guy, Dave." He replies, shaking his head. "No one knows why they do any of the things they do."

  
"Why do you keep saying he's a bad guy, even though I've already told you he isn't?" You ask. "Why do you keep insisting that he's using me? Lying to me? Manipulating me? What, do you think I'd be too stupid to figure it out on my own if it were happening?"

  
"Of course I don't think you're stupid!" He's quick to say. "I just can't understand why you would willingly get into a relationship with each other without an ulterior motive. It doesn't seem right."

  
"You're right." Now seems like as good a time as any to admit to everything. "There was an ulterior motive. There was lying and deception and all that other horrible shit you were talking about."

  
Your dad opens his mouth to reply, probably as an I-told-you-so, but you continue before he can interrupt you. "But it wasn't Karkat. It was me. I...I lied to him. I lied to him a lot. I used him so I could..." You can't believe you're about to tell him. You feel weirdly vertiginous. "so I could get in the Midnight Crew. I overheard your assignment at the station and decided to infiltrate the Crew myself. To keep an eye on you. Make sure you were safe. I know that was reckless and irresponsible and whatever, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. I joined the Midnight Crew in an effort to protect you, and in the process I got closer to Karkat. I lied to him, and I used him, but Karkat never did anything like that to me. He's a good guy, I can swear that to you. I can also swear that this is the last time I'll ever try doing anything like that again."

  
By the end of your speech you have to take a moment to catch your breath. Your dad is staring at you, trying to process all the information you just dropped at his feet.

  
"I can't believe you would do that." Your dad shakes his head slowly in disbelief.

  
"You better believe it, because I did it."

  
"I'm not going to address the fact that you joined a major crime syndicate, because I don't even know where to begin with that." Chides your dad in quiet disappointment. "My question for you right now is, if you were so horrible to him, then why is he here?"

  
That's a good question, but it's a question you're not sure you can answer. There's a lot of personal shit that went into Karkat's decision to stay with you, and it's not your place to expose the things he revealed to you in private yesterday. Luckily, you don't have to.

  
Your dad's eyes flicker away from you and towards the kitchen, and your own follow to see what's up. You see Karkat standing there, and it's only when you see him and the look on his face that a realization strikes you.

  
Karkat couldn't see you from the kitchen, but he could still hear everything you'd said. During the course of your fight with your dad you'd forgotten you were only separated by a wall. He heard every bad thing your dad said about him, you're certain of that just by looking at him. You just hope nothing he said sticks.

  
Karkat enters the living room slowly, his head down low as he approaches you. When he finally reaches your side, he takes your hand in his again and squeezes tight. You return the squeeze. His palm is slightly sweaty.

  
He lifts his eyes from the floor and redirects them towards your dad. "Dave saved my life." He says softly, in contrast to the loud yelling that had taken place only a moment before. "Giving him a second chance was the least I could do."

  
His eyes are on you, now, and you meet them head on. He gives you this small, earnest smile that you can't help but smile back to.

  
"So, um, would you maybe consider...." You swallow, keeping your eyes on Karkat as you address your dad. "giving Karkat a second chance?"

  
Your dad sighs and rubs his temple in that way he does. "Dave, you know I hate to be that parent, but this is an entirely different situation from any that your siblings have put me through, so in this case I'm fine with it."

  
You're both staring at your dad now, waiting for him to continue and silently urging him not to because you know where this is going. Next to you, you can feel Karkat holding his breath. You squeeze his hand again.

  
Your heart is beating so hard it hurts.

  
"Dave, I don't think you should be seeing this boy anymore."

  
You saw it coming, but the impact was still enough to knock the wind out of you like a well lobbed dodgeball to the chest. Your head is practically spinning as you feel the ground beneath you crumble into nothing.

  
Your dad wants you to break up with Karkat.

  
The vertigo is back.

  
"But-" He continues.

  
but?

  
"It's not my decision to make. You're old enough now that your decisions and your mistakes are your own. Just because I think you should end this doesn't mean I'm going to force you to do it."

  
Holy shit. Holy shit! He's not going to make you break up! You can finally breathe again. You turn to Karkat, and he looks just as relieved as you are.

  
"But know this," your dad cuts your celebration short, "if he does anything even resembling a felony, I won't hesitate to make an arrest."

  
He's glaring at Karkat, and you can feel him stiffen at the gaze.

  
"Alright." You nod gravely, you'd expected as much from your dad. "Can we eat now? I'm starving."

  
Neither Karkat nor your dad make a move for the kitchen. You remain standing in the living room, awkward and quiet.

  
Karkat's the first to break the silence. "Actually, we should be going. If we want to make it on time, we should leave soon, we don't have time to sit down and eat right now. I misjudged how long this was going to be."

  
"Well, if you boys really have to leave," your dad says, sounding relieved about your imminent departure, "you could at least take some with you to go."

  
"Okay." You agree. "I'll do that, since I know where everything is. You go get your coat."

  
Karkat nods, and you break apart again to do your own separate things. You meet up at the door, Karkat carrying your coat and you a tupperware full of spaghetti. You yell goodbye to your family while doing a quick trade off with Karkat so you can get your coat on and exit your apartment in favor of the hall elevator.

  
Once your coat's on, you take the container back and press the down button on the elevator. Karkat slumps heavily against you, wrapping his arms tightly around you and burying his face in your chest.

  
"Karkat?" He's shaking.

  
"That was terrifying." He shudders and crushes his face against your coat.

  
“Yeah, it was.” You agree, laying the tupperware on the floor so your hands are free. “Are you okay?”

  
He nods, but the way his hands are clutching the back of your coat says otherwise. “I just need a minute to decompress.”

  
“Alright.” You have one hand around his waist and the other in his hair, pressing him even closer against you and trying your best to reduce the tremble. “Hey, I got a paper bag in my pocket if you need to breathe or something.”

  
Karkat lifts his head so you can see the bemusement on his face. “Why the fuck do you have a paper bag in your pocket?”

  
“Dirk gave it to me.” You shrug like this is a normal occurrence. “You want it or not?”

  
“No,” he says without thinking about it. He pauses, reconsidering. “maybe. Give it.”

  
He readjusts so his arms are free and he’s leaning sideways against you. You leave one arm around his waist as you pull out the crumpled bag with the other.

  
You hand the extremely wrinkled bag over to him. He tries to smooth it out, but the task proves impossible at this point.

  
Karkat's nail accidentally pokes through the thin paper. "I can't use this."

  
He groans, plunking his head against your chest. You tighten your grip around him. "Are you sure you're okay?"

  
"I'm fine." Karkat pockets the paper bag and wraps one of his arms around your own waist. He nuzzles your neck. “Thanks.”

  
You kiss the top of his head. “No problem.”

  
You reach the lobby and head out the door, Karkat turning around momentarily to grab the container of spaghetti you’d left on the elevator.

  
You both climb into your car, tupperware tossed in the backseat, and cruise your way down to Little Alternia. After reaching New Can Town’s limits, Karkat starts giving you extremely basic directions that even an Alternian illiterate idiot like you could understand.

  
You pull up to what you guess is the troll version of a rec center. “You sure this is the place?”

  
“Yeah, why?”

  
“All the lights are off.” You point out.

  
“I don’t understand why I have to keep telling you that trolls are nocturnal.” Karkat replies, shaking his head as he exits the vehicle. You shrug to himself and follow him out.

  
Inside, the place is hot with the amount of bodies packed into such a small space and dimly lit, because, as Karkat pointed out, being a troll means more than having gray skin and a propensity for violent outbursts.

  
There's a lot more trolls here than you thought there would be, which is kind of stupid, since you did watch that entire news segment where they pretty much flooded the entire fucking street during their march. Based on how close Karkat is sticking to you, he wasn't expecting such a big crowd either. You hold his hand as the two of you wade your way into the crowd.

  
You have no idea who or what you're looking for, but Karkat seems to have a pretty good idea as he scans the room. He eventually spots what he's searching for and drags you off towards it. You reach a nice looking troll sitting at a little fold out table, clipboard and tray of snacks laid out in front of her.

  
"Hello," she says when she sees the both of you, "are you new?"

  
Karkat nods quickly, he seems nervous again. You rub circles into his hand with your thumb.

  
"I'd like a membership," he says quietly. You can hear him trying to control his voice so it stays steady, "please."

  
"Sure thing!" The lady slides the clipboard over to him along with a pencil. "All you have to do is sign here. Any additional information you may want to add is optional. Age, gender, blood color, we don't discriminate. In fact, most of our members choose not to wear articles of clothing with their signs on them while attending these kinds of functions."

  
She points out the crowd you'd just fought your way out of, and you notice for the first time that they're dressed pretty similarly to Karkat. Granted, some are more vibrantly colored, but that doesn't change the fact that they aren't wearing regular troll clothes.

  
Karkat leans over the table and starts signing the form, and you notice that he pauses over the box labeled blood color.

  
The lady pats Karkat's hand gently. "You don't have to label it if you don't want to."

  
"But what if-" he swallows. This must be difficult for him. "what if I want to?"

  
"Then you can go ahead." She gives his hand one final pat and retracts.

  
Karkat nods, but continues not to write anything down on the little box. You're about to tell him that it's fine if he can't do it right now, that he should wait until he's ready because this isn't the kind of shit you should rush when he jabs his right index finger into a slightly sharp metal part of the clipboard.

  
He flinches and lets out a soft hiss at the pain as he removes his finger. There's blood welling up on the tip.

  
"Karkat, what the hell? Are you okay?" You have no idea what's going on or why he would do something like that and it's honestly kind of freaking you out.

  
"I'm okay." He says between clenched teeth. "This is how trolls label their blood color on forms. You can write whatever you want in the box, but blood never lies."

  
He presses his bleeding finger onto the paper, stamping it red with his fingerprint.

  
"That sounds unsanitary." You comment as he slides the form across the table to the lady.

  
"Yeah, well, my entire civilization is older than your whole planet, and that system's been in place since your grandparents were living in trees. So fuck you."

  
"Also unsanitary."

  
Karkat looks about ready to punch you.

  
"Mother grub." The lady whispers, staring incredulously down at the bloodstain on the form. "I can't believe this. So you're-"

  
Karkat nods, and the word leaves his mouth like a sour taste. "Mutant."

  
The lady stands up, chair making a shrill screeching noise against the linoleum floor. "Excuse me."

  
She scurries away, taking the whole clipboard with her.

  
You scoot an inch or two closer to Karkat as you wait for the lady to come back. "That was really brave of you. Coming out as a mutant. I know that must have been hard."

  
"Do you really think it was brave?" He asks. He still looks nervous and now, a little scared.

  
"Yeah." You try to be as reassuring as you can. "I'm proud of you."

  
He smiles, but it's shaky. He's still freaked out about all of this.

  
The lady comes back with a gaggle of other trolls, ones you assume to be very important in the KOB. They crowd around Karkat and all talk at once, patting him on the back and shaking his head and just babbling incessantly.

  
"I hope this isn't too forward of me, but would you possibly consider giving a speech about your life and experiences as a candy red?"

  
"Actually," Karkat admits, "I planned on doing something like that tonight. I just need to get everyone's attention first. Can I stand on the table?"

  
There's nods all around. "Go for it."

  
Karkat crawls on top of the little fold out table so he's standing above everyone. "Excuse me!" He calls into the crowd.

  
They all continue to talk.

  
"Hey!" He shouts.

  
Still no reaction.

  
"Everybody shut the fuck up!" He yells.

  
This seems to get their attention. Everyone is looking at him now. Karkat clears his throat. "Thank you. I had some shit I wanted to say. My name is Karkat Vantas, and I...my blood is..."

  
He was off to a good start, but now he's starting to fumble. He glances at you out of the corner of his eye, clearly panicked. You give him what you hope is an encouraging nod.

  
It must be, because the next second Karkat takes a deep breath and continues. "I'm a mutant. I'm a mutant, and when I was three sweeps old, the Empire sent culling drones after me."

  
Karkat then does something you thought he'd never do in a crowded room full of trolls.

  
He takes off his shirt.

  
Karkat takes off his shirt and exposes the secrets he's been hiding about himself his entire life.

  
The scar on his chest makes a jagged cut from shoulder to belly in an angry, vibrant red slash. This is your first time seeing the whole thing, and it fills you with a boiling rage that someone would ever cause that kind of harm to him. That someone would want to cause that harm, that someone might want him dead, fills you with a deeper kind of fury that you can't even properly express.

  
"Obviously," he continues, "I survived. My lusus wasn't so lucky."

  
There's a moment of silence all across the room as the weight of that statement hits them.

  
Karkat launches headfirst into his story, telling them everything that he told you. He tells them all about Terezi and his plan for revenge. All the trouble he went to to figure out who sentenced his lusus to a premature fate. How he'd been stuck in the same place forever.

  
"Then I met Dave."

  
A smile creeps on to his face as he says your name, and your face heats up at the sight.

  
He tells everyone all about you. How you reintroduced him to Terezi, who was blind because she happened to be in his hive. How you finally got him out of that rut, only to push him into a different predicament.  
Then he told them about part two.

  
He tells them all about it, and how you stopped him.

  
"I've had a lot of time to reexamine my life recently," he says, "and I've only recently come to the conclusion that I've been treating myself like shit about everything that happened my whole life, and I didn't even do anything to provoke it. I used to think the only way this all could have been avoided was if I'd just been culled in the caverns as a grub, but I was wrong. There's another way this could have all been prevented. If the stigma was lifted off of mutants, if I wasn't on the cull list- fuck, maybe if we didn't even have a cull list- then none of this would have happened. If there's one thing I learned hanging out with a bunch of frail skinned ape descendants, it's that you can't cull someone just because they look differently from you. If a new species like them can figure that out so easily, then why can't we?"

  
Karkat gets down from the table, apparently finished. For awhile no one says anything, struck completely speechless by Karkat. You make a move to congratulate him as he puts his shirt back on, but your motion causes a spark of action to ignite in the crowd, and suddenly Karkat is engulfed in the swarm.

  
Karkat gets passed around from mob to mob like a bong at a stoner's party, and you watch his progress around the room from the little sign up table he'd performed his speech at. He seems to be having a good time, you think. He doesn't look as nervous anymore, at least.

  
You don't know how long you stay there, a couple hours, at least. The meeting's winding down to a close by the time Karkat finds his way back to you.

  
"Are you ready to go?" He asks, clearly exhausted from being the center of attention all night.

  
You nod. "Let's hit it."

  
The night air feel amazing against your hot skin, and you slow your pace to a snail's crawl so you can enjoy it better.

  
"So," you ask, "do you feel better now that you don't have to hide who you are anymore?"

  
"Yeah." Karkat smiles, and it's the freest, brightest, most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life. It's the kind of smile you could fall in love with all over again.

  
Wait. Love?

  
Love.

  
Holy shit, you're in love with Karkat.

  
Holy shit.

  
"Guess what I did while you were busy with your adoring public." You say, brandishing a completely filled out form, sans bloodletting square. "You are now looking at an official knight, complete with shining armor."

  
"More like shining eyewear." Karkat says, rolling his eyes. "You do realize you were supposed to leave the form here, right?"

  
"I know. I filled out like five of these." You shrug. "You were busy for awhile."

  
"Sorry," Karkat replies, not sounding sorry at all, "Dave, do you know what this means, though? You're going to be the first human member of the KOB! That's huge!"

  
"You just became their first mutant member," you point out, "I'm pretty sure that's more huge. Speaking of huge, I'm starving. I could probably eat a whole ox provided it were cooked to perfection and served with barbeque sauce."

  
"Now that you mention it, I'm kind of hungry, too. What do you want to do?"

  
"Well, my plan was we hit up a convenience store, buy some band aids for your finger, and go eat that spaghetti my dad made us while looking up at the stars and pretending we know dick about astronomy."

  
Karkat nods. "Sounds like a plan. Do you want to come to my hive and watch a movie after? You can spend the night since it's getting so late."

  
"Karkat," you say, "I would love nothing more than to spend as much of my time with you as possible tonight."

  
"Alright," he grins, grabbing your hand, "then let's go! The night's still young and the stars aren't going to be out forever!"

  
As you and Karkat race to your car, hand in hand, you can't help but let your mind wander over to your most recent revelation.

  
You love Karkat. You love Karkat, but you're not going to tell him so yet. It seems way too early for you to say that, even if it is true.

  
Besides, you have a feeling you two are going to be together for a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I hope you all enjoyed that chapter!  
> I'm hoping to get the final chapter up before Valentine's Day, but based on my current rate of getting chapters out, plus the fact that I'm sure it's going to be pretty long, it might not be out until after that.  
> Just a head's up, the final chapter is actually going to be an epilogue, and it'll be from Karkat's perspective, since that's how we started this whole mess.  
> If I don't get the chapter up before it happens, Happy Valentine's Day, and thank you so, so much for reading this!!  
> <3


	37. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! <3  
> This is the last chapter. I'll just let you all know beforehand that this chapter takes place five years in the future, so I'm sorry to anyone who wanted a continuation of where things left off.  
> I hope you all like this. I've never been very good at endings.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and last month you turned ten sweeps old.  Your eyes started filling in about a week before that so now all that's left is a fading ring of grey encircling the red.  You'd freaked out at first, but after spending a few days with your vision obscured behind Dave's shades you'd realized just how stupid you were being.

  
Everybody and their lusus knows you're a mutant, this was just visible proof of that fact.

  
You'd returned the shades.  Dave seemed really glad to get them back.

  
"Well, yeah."  He'd said with a shrug, sliding them back into place.  "Honestly, this whole situation sucks major ass.  It's like...I know nothing terrible's happened since we joined the KOB and you came out as a mutant, but I know that you still don't always feel completely safe and I don't know what to do about that.  I don't know how to help."

  
You'd hugged him tight, feeling the steady pump of his bloodpusher in his chest.  "This is enough."  You'd said, feeling safer than ever before as he returned your embrace.  "You being here is enough."

  
"Thanks."  He'd replied, resting his chin on your head.  He didn't sound convinced.

  
"It's probably a good thing I returned those to you today, anyway."  You'd said.  "They would have made me the universe's biggest fucking hypocrite if I went to give my speech tomorrow on lowblood pride and I couldn't even be brave enough to expose my ugly gander bulbs to anyone."

  
"Okay, first of all, shut the fuck up, your bulbs are gorgeous.  I could stare at them forever if I didn't have this useless need to blink all the time.  Second, you're plenty brave.  I don't know why I have to keep trying to convince you of that, but it's true. You're leading a fight against a social hierarchy that's older than this entire motherfucking solar system and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure you're winning.  I don't think anyone would think any less of you or your accomplishments just because you needed some time to adjust to your blood color being literally written on your face."

  
You'd smiled at that.  "Thanks, Dave."

  
"You bring up a good point about it being good you returned them, though."  He'd admitted, his face in your hair.  "I don't think Rose and Kanaya would be cool with both their best men wearing sunglasses."

  
He turned out to be right about that.  As a matter of fact, they almost weren't cool with Dave wearing his shades, either.  Eventually, everything was sorted out when Dave finally gave in and wore his shades on his head.

  
The ceremony occurred earlier in the day near the beach on an island you'd all had to fly in to.  The sun was high in the sky, but the salt-tinged breeze from the sea kept the weather nice as you'd all stood and listened with rapt attention as Rose and Kanaya exchanged their vows.

  
It was the most beautiful thing in the world.

  
At the reception, you and Dave were supposed to give your best man speeches.  That should have been fine, since you've been doing a fuck ton of public speaking the last few years and Dave's been known to not shut up.  You both spent days writing the best, most perfect speeches you could and practicing them to each other over and over again so even the delivery was flawless.

  
You cried halfway through your speech.

  
You were such an emotional wreck about it that you couldn't even form an intelligible sentence, you'd had to have Dave finish your speech for you.  It was really fucking embarrassing, but Kanaya said she thought it was sweet that you were that happy for her and Rose.

  
But really, how could you not be?  Two of your best friends just got married!  Your moirail and your boyfriend's sister!  Your moirail and- assuming everything goes according to plan- your future sister-in-law.

  
You're not sure everything's going according to plan.

  
You and Dave are strolling along the beach, shoes tossed off somewhere near the grassy shore.  You're walking arm in arm with him, the breeze ruffling your hair and the sound of the crashing waves loud in your ears.  It's so soothing you feel like you could just lay down in the warm sand and take a nice, long nap.

  
"Hey,"  Dave says, it's the first thing he's said in awhile, "the sun's going down."

  
Dave points towards the water, where the sun is lowering and dying both the sky and the water a warm orange.  "You're right."  Your hand slips into your pocket and closes around the thing inside. You're more than a little nervous. "It is."

  
"You know what we could do when it goes all the way down?"  He asks, grinning mischievously and giving you a sideways glance.

  
"I don't know."  You reply, leaning your head on his shoulder and returning the glance with interest.  "What?"

  
"We could go skinny dipping!"  Dave says excitedly.

  
"What?"  You laugh.  "Why the hell would we do that?"

  
"Think about it!"  He continues animatedly, tugging you towards the water.  "Today's been so awesome!  I mean, look where we are!  Some fucking beautiful island in the middle of Davey Jones unbelievably salty ass crack.  Do you know the likelihood of us being anywhere near someplace this gorgeous again?  Not anytime soon, what with both of us only working part time and having to pay rent and my tuition and shit.  It could be forever before we have another opportunity like this!"

  
"I don't know..."  You say doubtfully.  The water is splashing over your feet and making you shiver.  It's pleasantly cold, and you do wonder if it would feel just as good on the rest of your skin, but you can't risk losing the thing in your pocket.

  
"Come on, it'll be fun!  My sister and your moirail just got married!  This is a day for celebration!  I say we should strip out of these suits, jump our naked asses into the ocean, and end this kickass day with a bang.  What do you think?"

  
You're having a really difficult time refusing.  His argument and his grin are both pretty persuasive.  Still, you have to resist.  "That's tempting."

  
"Damn right, it is."  Dave throws off his suit jacket and tosses it aside.

  
"Dave, wait, stop."  You grab his hand with one of yours to stop him from unbuttoning his shirt, the other hand is an awkward fist as you slide it out of your pocket.  "I said it was tempting.  That doesn't mean I'm going to nude up on a public beach and fuck you in the ocean."

  
Dave lowers his hands from his shirt, and you leave yours on his chest.  " _Why not?_ "  He whines.

  
"This is a public beach,"  you argue, "anybody could come by and see us. Fuck, our friends are all here.  They could come by and see us."

  
"What's so wrong with that?  They know we're together, they'll get over it."

  
"Have you met our friends?  They'd probably steal our clothes as a prank for their fucking trickster's gambit or whatever."

  
"That's...a good point."  He admits, sighing.  "I guess we don't have to skinny dip right now.  We could probably wait until everybody's out for the night and then sneak out of our room and do it.  That cool?"

  
Dave takes your hands in his and holds them between the both of you.  You can't help but relax at the contact.  "Yeah, that's cool.  So what do you want to do now?"

  
"I guess we could toss our jackets on the ground and make out on top of them for awhile."

  
"Sure," you shrug, smiling, "we could do that."

  
You start to unbutton your own jacket when you feel something slip out of your grasp.

  
"Shit!"

  
There it goes, tumbling down to the sand.

  
Before you can so much as react, Dave's already diving down on both knees to catch it before it hits the ground.

  
"Damn,"  he grins up at you, readjusting so only one of his knees is buried in the damp sand, "did you see how quick I fucking flashnatched that bitch?  I think I just set a new personal record."

  
You just nod.  Your mouth is too dry for speech right now.

  
"Anyway,"  Dave says, holding it out for you to take, "you probably shouldn't drop-"

  
He's holding it out to you, and it hits the fading sunlight and glitters in his hand.  You watch the casual smile drift from his face and transform into something unreadable.

  
He knows now.  He hasn't processed it yet, but he knows.

  
Well, you guess it's now or never.  You take a deep breath.

  
"Karkat, what's-"

  
"Dave, will you marry me?"

  
Dave's face is still terrifyingly expressionless.  You honestly can't tell what he's thinking or what the hell happened to all the oxygen on the island.  Breathing is too hard right now for there not to be an oxygen shortage.

  
Dave proves you wrong about the oxygen shortage by giving your question a beautifully eloquent reply.

  
"Um-"

  
It slips from his fingers.

  
There it goes again, tumbling down to the sand.

  
You scramble down to catch it in a moment of panic driven haste, but alas, you've never been very good at the whole flashsnatch thing.  It bounces off of your palm and plops onto the ground.  You scoop it back up and brush the sand off of it.

  
You're eye to eye with Dave now, both of you kneeling on the damp sand while the sun sets to your right and burns the sky and reflects off the water in deep reds and pinks.  It's exactly how you always pictured it would be when you finally did it.  Now that you've done it, though, you don't really notice or care about what color the sky is or what position the sun is in.  No, what you care about is Dave.

  
You care about the way the encroaching darkness is making his hair look almost incandescent in the lack of light.

  
You care about the way the sunset matches the red of his eyes almost perfectly.

  
You care about the way his face is _still fucking blank as a brick._

  
The fact that you can't read him right now is eating you up inside.

  
You take a deep breath.  You can't believe you're about to do this again.

  
"Dave?"  You take his hand in yours, you can't seem to speak above a soft whisper as you place the ring in his palm and close his hand around it.  "Marry me?"

  
You manage to gather enough courage to look him in the eyes.

  
He doesn't look any different.

  
You continue to hold his hand as you wait for a reaction, any reaction.  The only sound is the crashing of distant waves.

  
Dave opens his mouth, and you can't help but hold your breath in anticipation.

  
"Could you...give me a minute?"

  
You nod and drop your hands to your sides.

  
Maybe this was a mistake.

  
You continue to hold your breath.

  
What if Dave doesn't want to get married?  You've talked about it, sure, but it was always in terms of hypotheticals.  What if you just ruined your relationship by proposing too early?  What if you ruined your relationship by proposing at all?

  
What if Dave thinks you're going too fast?  What if he really evaluates his relationship with you and decides you're more trouble than you're worth?

  
He could definitely do better than a part time bartender who gives speeches about political reform on his days off.

  
You feel light headed.

  
"Holy shit.  Karkat?  Karkat, _breathe._ "  Dave sounds really worried as he claps his hands onto your shoulders.  "I'm not saying no."

  
There goes everything that was left in your lungs.  "What?"

  
"I'm not saying no."  He repeats more firmly this time.  "I just wanted a minute to take everything in, absorb all this, you know?  I mean,  it's not every day your boyfriend proposes to you on the beach.  At fucking sunset.  Shit, you couldn't have picked a more romantic cliche if you tried.  Point is, my answer is yes.  Hell fucking yes.  Obviously yes."

  
You still feel kind of light headed, but you can officially breathe again.

  
Dave said yes.

  
Dave said yes!

  
Dave pulls you forward and kisses you softly, his hands are tangled in your hair.  You respond in turn by pressing against him.  Your hands are curled into fists around the open part of his shirt.

  
He pulls away before anything can start to heat up too quickly.  You protest by tightening your grip on his shirt and glaring at him.  Dave laughs and presses his forehead against yours, his mouth just inches away but refusing to close the distance.

  
"Sorry."  He whispers.  His breath is warm on your face.  "You were having such a hard time breathing, I thought you might need mouth to mouth."

  
"I wouldn't have needed mouth to mouth if someone would have just answered my fucking question like a normal person."  You rebuke, slapping his cheek lightly.

  
"No,"  he disagrees, catching your hand and keeping it on his cheek, "I think you still would have needed it.  Maybe not right now, but at some point.  You would have been craving my breath in your lungs like a heroin addict craves their next hit off of that sweet, sweet crack pipe."

  
"Crack and heroin are two different drugs, Dave."

  
"What?  No, they're not."

  
"Yes, they are.  And I'm not addicted to you."  You use your free hand to drag him closer to you, his lips are just barely touching yours.  "I can stop any time I want to."

  
You can feel his grin on your mouth more than you see it.  “That’s what they all say.”

  
You’re not sure which of you finally gives in and surges forward first, but you do know which of you is applying the most passion and pressure as your lips meet.

  
Dave’s kissing you with such a ferocious intensity that you almost feel like you’re being engulfed in ardor.  Both of your hands are on Dave's face, cupping his cheeks and keeping him close as you mirror his motions and enthusiasm.  Dave's heart is beating loud against your chest as you continue, your pace quickening with every intake of breath.

  
You notice then that you are just exchanging oxygen, and you're only craving more of him with each heady inhalation.  You can feel your body physically demanding more contact with Dave.  More of his touch sending sparks through your blood like fireworks in July.  More of the soft pressure of his mouth coaxing you into a euphoric state of calm.  Dave emanates a kind of warm, beautiful feeling you don't think you'll ever get used to.

  
You just...

  
You need him.

  
You need more.

  
You open your mouth tentatively and dart your tongue lazily over his lower lip.  There's a hitch in his breathing as your tongue sneaks further inside.  He's beginning to slow down to a sweet, leisurely pace as you explore the already familiar terrain of his mouth.

  
You bite his lip, and that's when Dave loses it.

  
He pushes forward, but the momentum from the sudden addition of his weight fully against you causes you both to tilt backwards.  Your mouth is still connected with Dave's when your head slams the sand, causing his teeth to break painfully through your lip.  You land with your back in the sand with Dave on top of you.

  
He rolls off you and props himself up on his elbows, staring down at you with concern.  "Are you okay?  That was totally an accident, I'm sorry.  You alright?"

  
"I'm fine."  You nod, licking the blood off your lip.  It stings, but not enough to draw attention to it.

  
"Are you sure?"  He asks again doubtfully as he stands up, brushing the sand off of himself.

  
"Yeah, I'm sure." You reply as he helps you back up to your feet.  The dampness of the ground effectively put out any fires of passion you'd been burning.  "I think I'm done with the sloppy makeouts for now, though.  That shit's dangerous."

  
"I'd argue something like 'practice makes perfect' or 'there's no danger because Daves never bite twice in the same location' or some shit like that,"  he says as he leads you away from the water's edge, "but I feel like it's way too early for us to be having our first fight as an engaged couple."

  
Engaged couple.

  
_Engaged couple._

  
That's you.  That's you and Dave.  You're engaged now.

  
Holy shit.

  
"Karkat?"  Dave calls you out of your reverie.  You hadn't even noticed you'd stopped moving, he's a full arm's length away now.  He looks worried.

  
"We're engaged."  Saying it out loud seems to make it so much more real.  This isn't just you dreaming about the future anymore.  This isn't best case scenario speculation.  This is real.  This is happening.  "We're actually engaged.  I...I can't believe it."

  
You're choking up.

  
" _Babe_ ," Dave sighs, holding his arms out to you, "come here."

  
You do as he says, and you're immediately enveloped in his warm embrace.  He has one hand playing with your hair while the other one strokes your back.  You blink fresh tears out of your eyes and beg yourself not to cry again today.  You'd already cried during the wedding.  That was embarrassing enough.

  
You manage to confine yourself to a sniffle.  "I'm so happy."

  
"I know," he gives you a quick squeeze, "me too."

  
You nuzzle into the open part of his shirt, your face against his chest.  "I love you."

  
"I love you more."

  
"That's not a thing, Dave, we've been over this.  I'll fight you on that."

  
"Well, good luck mister, because I love you..."  he lets go of you and takes a couple steps back so you can see him fully before throwing his arms wide, "this much."

  
"Oh, wow."  You laugh.  "You love me your entire arm span?  That's so much!"

  
"I know."  He agrees with a smug nod, arms still spread out wide.

  
"It's not enough, though."  You say, shaking your head.  "Not if you want to beat me.  You see, Dave, the thing is, you might love me the span of your arms, but my love for you runs as deep as the ocean."

  
"Shit."  Dave says, dropping his arms.  "That was a good one."

  
"Thanks.  Your turn."

  
"I love you like..."  he looks around for something that can rival the ocean, finally he looks up and points at the sky, "space!"

  
You hadn't even noticed it had gotten so dark.  "You love me like space?"

  
He nods.  "Infinitely expanding."

  
Well, you can't top infinite expansion.  You look up at the sky and are transfixed by the stars.  You knew there would be more visible here than at home, but you didn't expect so many.

  
"Are you ready to admit defeat?"

  
"Yeah.  Hey, do you want to look at the stars?"

  
"Sure, why not?"  He shrugs.

  
Dave comes over and unbuttons your already half undone jacket, tossing it onto the ground in a heap.

  
"Dave, what the hell?  I was wearing that."

  
"We said we were going to make out on top of our jackets, remember?"  He says as he searches out his own discarded jacket in the dark.  "Since we already did the make out part, I figured we could just lay on them and stare at the sky instead."

  
"That's not a bad idea.  Do you want me to help you find yours?"

  
"Nah, it's fine, I got it.  You just hang tight."

  
It takes him another two minutes to find it.  You wonder how much time you're going to spend looking for your shoes when you're ready to leave.

  
The jackets are spread on the ground, and you both snuggle close together on top of them.  Dave takes his hand in yours, and you can feel something unfamiliar on his finger.

  
He's wearing your ring.

  
Fuck, you're so happy right now.

  
You don't know how long you and Dave are out here, staring up at the stars and at each other.  What you do know is that you've spent several hours examining pinpricks of light in the dark sky and that it's starting to get cold out.

  
"Hey, Dave?"  You whisper.

  
"Yeah?"

  
"Are you ready to go back?"

  
"If you are."

  
You nod, and you both gather up your things and venture back to the hotel.  You make it into the lobby and have to blink away the bright lights before Dave draws attention to both of your shabby appearances.

  
"It looks like we just had beach sex."  He says as he rebuttons his shirt.  "Which is too bad, because we didn't."

  
"I know, I was there, proposing to you."  You say with a roll of your eyes, brushing sand out of your hair.

  
"Which reminds me, we still need to celebrate.  Come on!"  He grabs your hand and drags you to a less brightly lit portion of the hotel.

  
"Hey, barkeep,"  he says as he approaches the bar, still dragging you behind him, "is it still open bar for the Lalonde-Maryam wedding?"

  
The bartender nods.

  
"Awesome.  We need a bottle of champagne over here stat."  You both take a seat at the bar.

  
The place looks pretty dead, almost every seat is open.

  
"What time is it?"  You ask the bartender when he delivers the champagne along with two glasses.

  
"About 4:15."  He pops the cork.

  
"Shit, we were out there longer than I thought."  You say as you take your now full glass.

  
"Time flies when you're having fun, I guess."  Dave shrugs, picking up his own glass.  "Should we toast?"

  
You tilt your head.  "To what?"

  
"To us.  To love and the future and shit like that.  Man, I don't know.  You give speeches a lot, why don't you give the toast?"

  
"I cried during my best man speech, Dave.  I don't think me delivering a toast for our engagement is a good idea."

  
He nods solemnly.  "Fair point.  I guess we could toast to..." he groans, "fuck if I know."

  
"Just say whatever comes to mind first and we can toast to that."  You advise.

  
"Okay, I got it."  Dave swivels on the stool so he's facing you.  "Thank you.  Thank you for giving me that second chance five years ago, and thank you for wanting to spend the rest of your time with me.  These past five years with you have been...fucking amazing, and I can't even imagine how great the future's gonna be for us.  I love you."

  
Shit, that was beautiful.  There you go again. "I love you, too."

  
"Cheers?"

  
"Cheers."

  
You clink glasses and drink.

  
"So,"  Dave swirls the remains of his champagne in the glass, and you can see him admiring his new ring as he does it, "should we talk about the wedding?"

  
"Sure, if you want to.  I already have the guest list all figured out."

  
"Really?"

  
"Yeah, just give me a sec to write it down."

  
"You have it all memorized?"  Dave's eyes widen incredulously.

  
"Pretty much.  I just need a pen."

  
Dave finds one at the end of the bar and hands it to you, and you grab a cocktail napkin and start scribbling.  You have to tell Dave to back the fuck off once or twice when he tries to read over your shoulder.

  
"Okay,"  you conclude after a solid three minutes, "done!"

  
You slide the napkin over to Dave. He picks it up carefully and reads it.

  
"Karkat,"  he says slowly, "this is a picture of Hella Jeff and Geromy making out."

  
You nod.  "You're damn right it is."

  
"I don't understand.  Is this your way of telling me you want to elope?  Or are you saying you've finally come around to my costume idea for next Halloween?"

  
"Neither.  I couldn't think of anyone to invite who wasn't already involved with the wedding."

  
"Really?  No one?"

  
"No one.  Not a single fucking person."  You reply, pouring yourself another glass of champagne.  "Rose and Kanaya are will be our maids of honor, obviously.  Jade and Terezi would be there, too.  I didn't want to leave out your brother, so I thought he could be your best man.  Unless you want John instead, we can trade.  I've already talked to Roxy about this and she said that she's down wth being ring bearer-"

  
"Whoa, whoa, wait.  When did you talk to Roxy about this?"

  
"Half a perigee ago."  You admit sheepishly.

  
"So you've been planning this for over a year?"

  
"Yeah..."

  
"Okay, continue."

  
"So, Roxy's down with being ring bearer, and I've also already discussed some things with Jane about the cake.  Good news, she's willing to do it."

  
"Wow, that pretty much covers everybody we know."  Dave says, sounding vaguely impressed.  "Except Mr. Egbert.  What about him?  And what about all our pals at the KOB?"

  
"Who do you think is going to be helping Jane with the cake?  As for the KOB, I love them, but I want to keep it small.  Just close friends and family."

  
Just...close friends and family.  There's something about the family aspect that you have to tell him.

  
"You also forgot Jake."

  
"I didn't forget Jake, he's gonna be Dirk's plus one!"  You rebuke.  "So like I was saying, about the friends and family-"

  
"Sorry to tell you this, but it's closing time." The bartender interrupts you.

  
"Can we take the bottle with us?"  Dave asks.  "We already paid for it."

  
"No, we didn't."

  
"Yeah, but we could."

  
"Go ahead, take it.  Just get out of here."  He waves the both of you away.

  
"Okay, we're going."  Dave gets up off his stool and starts to take the bottle and his glass towards the door.

  
"Leave the flukes!"  He calls out to Dave.  "You can take the bottle, but leave those here.  I gotta clean those."

  
"Yeah, sure, okay."  Dave shuffles back in and puts the bottle back on the counter.  He drains his glass.  "Karkat, you better chug that.  This guy told us to beat it."

  
"Yeah, yeah.  I'm on it."  You grumble.  You'd just filled your glass.

  
You drink too fast and have trouble standing.  Dave grabs the bottle by the neck and you by the elbow, leading you out of the bar and to the elevator.  He presses up.

  
The elevator opens, and the both of you enter.  You're alone, which makes sense because it's five in the morning and anyone with a pan is asleep.

  
"So,"  Dave says, clearing his throat, "how's your lip?"

  
"It's okay."  You shrug.  "It's a little tender, but that's to be expected.  I'm open to making out again, if that's what you're asking."

  
"Funny that you mention it, because that's exactly what I was asking."  He says, putting the bottle down carefully on the floor.

  
Dave dips you and starts kissing you along your neck.  You have your hands in his hair again, messing it up as you drag your fingers carefully through it.  He reaches your jaw and skips right over your mouth and kisses your nose.  You can't help it when you start laughing.

  
You love him.  You love him so much.

  
"I can't wait til we're married,"  he whispers, his breath is sweet from all the champagne, "I'm gonna pick you up and carry you across the threshold of our apartment and I'm just gonna...do shit to you like hardcore makeout on our couch and make you breakfast in bed and...fucking...I don't know, but point is it's gonna be awesome."

  
“What makes you think you’re going to be the one doing the carrying?  I’m the one who proposed to you.”

  
“Yeah, but I can actually lift you.”

  
“What, you think I can’t lift you?  You think I’m not strong enough?”

  
“That’s what I said, yeah.”

  
“Fuck that slanderous hoofbeast shit, let me back up and I’ll show you how a real man carries someone bridal style.”

  
“That a threat?”

  
“It’ll stop being a threat when you let me the fuck back up.”

  
“Sure thing, man.  I’d love to see you try.”  He pulls you back up to your feet and presses you into the wall, your back against a railing.  He blocks you on both sides with his arms.  “Especially at this angle.”

  
You’re about to protest when the door dings open again, which is strange because you’re nowhere near your floor.  You and Dave both turn to see who’s going to be interrupting this awkwardly positioned part of your night.

  
In walks Jade Harley, a smile on her face and a plastic bucket swinging in hand.

  
“Hey, guys!”  She greets as she presses the button for her floor and stands next to Dave.  “Am I interrupting something?”

  
“You kind of were, yeah.”  Dave says, shrugging.  He has to look over his shoulder to address her.  “It’s no biggie.”

  
“Do you need this?”  She asks, holding out the bucket.  “I can empty it out if you need to use it.  Just give it back after you wash it.”

  
Your face is flushing before you even register the heat.   You slowly shake your head no.  The only way you could be more mortified is if your mom was here.

  
“It’s fine, we’ve got our own.  Thanks, though.”  Dave says it as casually as if she’d asked if he wanted to use her phone.  “What the fuck are you doing with a bucket, anyway?  I don’t recall hearing about you getting nasty with any of our troll friends.”

  
“Oh, I’m not.”  She admits.  “It’s not for me.”

  
“So you’re just playing errand girl?  Someone sent you to the front desk for an extra mouthwash and a bucket?”

  
“Nope.  This thing right here is for John and Terezi.”

  
Oh.  Things were starting to take on some semblance of sense now.  You finally manage to speak.  “Did Terezi not bring one with her?”

  
Jade shakes her head. “No, she did.”  

  
“Okay, I’m lost.”  Dave says.  “So you brought a bucket that isn’t for you, and it’s definitely not Terezi’s because she has shown me her bucket collection and that wasn’t one of the colors-”

  
“She showed you her bucket collection?”

  
“It’s not important.  Anyway, if you aren’t bringing it to aid John in his Fifty Shades of Grey style hatemance sex then what the hell are you bringing it for?”

  
She grins deviously.  “To interrupt his Fifty Shades of Grey style hatemance sex.”

  
And now you’re also lost.  “But...aren’t you their auspistice?”

  
“Yes, yes I am.”  She confirms before launching into an explanation.  “See, what happened was, after you left, Terezi challenged John to a drinking contest.  He accepted the challenge, and they got so stinking fucking drunk off of their asses that they got kicked out of the bar.  After that, Roxy, Nepeta, and I all followed them to make sure they didn’t hurt themselves or each other too badly.  They ended up being totally fine and went back to her room, since she, as previously stated, had a bucket handy.  As their auspistice, I’m glad I didn’t have to go and separate the two of them by force, but as their friend and sister, I’m also kind of pissed that I had to waste my night following them.  I kind of wanted to get drunk, too!  Nepeta challenged me to drunk wrestling!  But I didn’t get to do that because we were too busy following her girlfriend and my brother around!”

  
“Where the fuck were we for that?”  Dave whines.  “I wanted to see some drunk kismesis!”

  
“That still doesn’t explain the bucket.”  You point out.

  
“Well, like I said, I was pissed.  So I decided to practice my trickster’s gambit.  I got this bucket from the front desk, filled it with glitter and confetti, and right now I’m going to Terezi’s room to wake both of their drunk asses up and I’m going to throw it on them as a token for wasting my night.” She ends with a shrug.

  
“Wow,”  you comment, “you’re a terrible auspistice.”

  
“For you guys, maybe.  For John and Terezi?  I’m the best.  They’ll never get that wasted in front of me again, I can tell you that much.”

  
The elevator door dings open again, and Jade’s about to disembark when she looks both you and Dave up and down.  “Are you sure you don’t want this?”

  
Dave nods.  “We’re sure.  Hey, if you want, we have half a bottle of champagne left. You can take it.”

  
“Really?”

  
“Yeah.”

  
She grabs the bottle off the floor and exits the elevator.  “Thanks!”

  
The door dings closed again, and then she’s gone.  Dave turns his attention back to you.  “So, where were we?”

  
You’re no longer in the mood to mess around trying to lift Dave anymore right now.  Instead, you stare at your feet and lean against the railing.

  
“There’s...something I wanted to talk to you about.”  You say quietly.  “About the whole friends and family only thing.”

  
“Sure, what is it?”  Dave’s arms drop from their blocking position, allowing you more space in case you need it.

  
“I...I want my dad there.”  You admit, fidgeting nervously.  You’d really love to have him there if you can, but you could understand if Dave said no.

  
“Doesn’t your dad have five years left on his sentence?”

  
You nod and wait for the refusal.

  
“Okay.”  He replies, surprising you.  You look up at him, the confusion clear on your face.  “I don’t see a problem with it.  Karkat, I know how much you love your parents. I can’t imagine marrying you without your family there almost as much as I can’t imagine it without mine.”

  
“So...you’re okay with it, then?”  You ask.  “You’re okay with waiting five years?”

  
“Karkat, whether we get married in five years or five decades makes no difference to me, as long as I get to spend every moment leading up to it with you.”  He kisses you softly, and you’re gone.

  
All the strength leaves your body at once.  You wrap your arms around his neck and hitch your legs up around his hips.  “You win.  You can carry me across the threshold.”

  
He gets his arms around you, helping you keep from slipping off him as the elevator finally dings your arrival. He laughs as he leaves the elevator, having to step awkwardly with the way you’re wrapped  around him like a koala. “This wasn’t really what I had in mind when I said I wanted to carry you.”

  
Dave reaches the door and struggles with the key card, but eventually he manages to get it to work without making you move.  He gets inside and stops at the foot of the bed, at which point you detach yourself from him and plop down onto the plush surface.

  
“So,”  Dave says as he joins you on the bed, “what do you want to do now?”

  
“Sleep.”  You groan.  You’re exhausted.  “Maybe eat something.  I’m starving.”

  
“That makes sense.”  He nods.  “Neither of us has eaten anything since the wedding, and that was awhile ago.  I’m kind of hungry, too.”

  
“Do they have room service here?”  You ask hopefully.

  
“Karkat, they have room service everywhere.”

  
“I know, but can we get some?”

  
Dave thinks about it, chewing on his bottom lip before shrugging.  “Sure.  I’ll take care of it.  Why don’t you take a shower?  You still have sand in your hair.”

  
He brushes some out of your hair to illustrate his point.

  
“Okay,”  you sigh, standing up and stretching on your way to the bathroom, “but you better get something good.”

  
“No worries, I’m on it.”  He’s already got the phone and the menu in his hands by the time you close the door.

  
You’d planned on showering quickly, but the water felt so good against your skin that you couldn’t make yourself get out.  All of today’s excitement had really taken a toll on you and  wore you out.  You were only able to force yourself out when the water turned cold.

  
You get out and towel dry your hair, only bothering to put your boxers back on when you leave the bathroom.  You’re followed out by a trail of steam.

  
“Don’t bother showering for awhile,” you warn, “I used all the hot water.”

  
“That’s fine.”  Dave shrugs.  He’s sitting on the edge of the bed where you left him, but he’s also stripped down to his boxers and a t-shirt.  “The food got here while you were in there, and you’re not gonna believe what I found while channel surfing.”

  
You spare a look at the tv as you plop down onto the bed, and what you see makes you do a double take.  

  
“Holy shit, is this The Princess Bride?”

  
“Yeah!”  Dave nods enthusiastically.  “You only missed the first few minutes!  Buttercup hasn’t even been kidnapped yet!”

  
“Seriously?”  Talk about lucky timing.  You snuggle up closer to Dave, and he hands you your plate.  “You ordered burgers?”

  
“Yeah.  Why, did you want something else?”

  
“No,”  you shake your head, “this is perfect.”

  
“I also ordered another bottle of champagne.”  He picks the bottle up and shows it to you.  “And this one came with cups!”

  
You both sit around eating and drinking champagne while watching one of your favorite movies.  This is almost exactly what you imagine a perfect day would be like.  You feel so comfortable, snug against Dave like this.  You’re so warm and full and sleepy that you can barely keep your eyes open.  The movie’s not even over yet.  You wonder if you’ll finish it.

  
Dave’s stroking your hair.  “Maybe we should go to bed.  You seem pretty tired.”

  
“But the movie.”  You complain around a yawn.

  
“We can watch it when we get home.  That cool with you?”

  
You nod.  “That’s cool.”

  
You lie down, and Dave joins you. He has one leg thrown over you, and his hands around your stomach.  You can feel the ring on his finger against your skin.

  
“Hey, Karkat.”  He whispers into your hair.  You can feel his breath breeze past one of your horns.

  
“Yeah?”  You whisper back.

  
“Good night, my fiance.”  He’s smiling, laughing breathily into your hair.  “I love you.”

  
You’re slipping into sleep already, unsure if your words aren’t mumbled into incoherency.  “I love you.  Good night.”

  
You’re facing the window, the early morning light slicing through the blinds and warming your cheek.

  
You think you finally understand what Kanaya meant when she told you the sun was beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, that's the end.  
> I'd like to thank everyone who read this monster of a fanfic from start to finish. Writing this thing has been a journey for me, and I'm certain reading it has been...hopefully interesting. Hopefully you all liked it. I just want you all to know that I think you're all awesome, amazing people, and I can't thank any of you enough for all of the good things that I've been told throughout my work on this fic.  
> Thank you so, so, so, so, SO much for everything.  
> Thank you for reading this, and thank you for just being you.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to stay as in character as possible, so I'm hoping that turned out? I don't know, I've never written fan fiction before.  
> Well, whatever. Thanks for reading up to this point.


End file.
